Previously: Doug gave Nancy fifty grand out of the Agrestic bank account to finance a buy, and Nancy began putting the band back together, plus Silas and Tara, but minus Dean, who went and crippled himself by acting like a middle-aged stereotype. Nancy lucked out when dead Peter the DEA agent turned out to be dirtier than even we knew and the agency wanted to sweep it all under the rug. Then Nancy went out and stalked Peter's ex-wife into being her new best friend. It was awesome. Also, Heylia was still around, or so the legends said.
After receiving a parade of cash returns from Sanjay, Tara, and Andy, Nancy is able to present Doug with $20K towards paying back the Agrestic account so no one catches wise. Doug, however, says that since there is no Agrestic anymore, there's really no rush in paying it back. In fact, he says, it might allow them to better expand their business, and when they're all super-rich, they'll be able to pay Agrestic back and "buy corndogs for everyone in Darfur." Nancy tells him that the folks in Darfur don't have corndogs too high on their wish lists, but Doug's point remains: let him handle the money. And rather than marinate in the pants-wetting fear that that thought should bring on, Nancy instead warns Doug to watch his back, as "Sullivan's on the warpath."
Later, Nancy makes plans with Val for a ridiculously ill-conceived play date with Shane and Tim. Once she's off the phone, Andy tells her that a "Roy Till" called for her, and after playing coy for a few moments, he says that Mr. Till is at the DEA, he wants Nancy to meet with him down at his office, and he said she'd probably have been expecting this call. The blood drains from Nancy's already pale face.
Celia's house. Isabelle reads off the laundry list of warnings, instructions, side effects, and procedures Celia is going to have to follow now that Dean is her in-house patient. And, because sometimes this show is just not interested in you unless you're degrading yourself or others, Dean shits himself and tells Celia she'll have to clean him up (it at least seems that he's wearing adult diapers), lest he develop an infection he can't fight off, thus requiring more surgeries, and thus more recovery time in Celia's house that bribery bought. Man, if Celia only knew how much of a dorkus Dean looked like while he was trying to make nice with that biker gang, she'd be even more pissed. As it stands now, she's already trying to think up ways to poison Dean without getting caught.
Nancy shows up at the DEA offices asking for Captain Till; everyone starts whispering as she passes, all "That's the one!" Man, Peter must've been pretty loose with the locker room talk. Till is excessively ominous, telling Nancy he's been waiting for her to show up and telling her to sit. The setup is so heavily weighted against Nancy here that it ruins the "twist," which is that Till isn't the least bit suspicious of Nancy or her business. He's too busy trying to keep Peter's vaguely detailed scamming from coming to light. So instead of locking Nancy up and throwing away the key, like she expects, Till instead hands her a life insurance check for $119,000 and some forms to fill out so she can begin collecting his pension. No, Nancy! Tear that check up! It'll ruin your friendship with Val! Till manages to covey to Nancy the fact that her husband was involved with vaguely defined scammings, and that if she did know anything and ever came forward, it might adversely affect those pension checks. Nancy may be a bad mother, bad friend, bad dancer, and the kind of person who allows herself to be degraded by creeps, but she's not stupid. She knows a good deal when she hears one.
Grow House. Just as I predicted he would last week, Conrad is being one hell of a role model for Silas. He's teaching him a marketable skill -- not simply making him his bitch, like he said last week, but actually instructing Silas on the cultivation and care of the plants. He's not an asshole, but he also doesn't let Silas get away with slacking off or not knowing what to do. They momentarily bond over their inability at times to get a read on Nancy, and they even crack wise on each other a few times. I'm seriously so happy I could cry -- Silas finally has one good parent! Now to work on hooking Shane up with Heylia. (Holy shit, can you even imagine?)
In Nancy's car, Shane is trying to comprehend the monumental selfishness and stupidity of Nancy making plans with Dickhead Tim just so she could hang out with Val. Nancy: "I'm not proud." Shane: "You owe me." God, kid. So, so, SO much.
Cut to the mini-golf course (sweet Jesus...), as Tim rage-putts and Shane tries to laugh at him in a way that won't get him kicked in the junk. Nancy observes from a safe distance on a bench, and Val returns with Icees. Nancy reaches for hers but Val pulls back and says Nancy owes her money: $119,000 worth, actually. Val's halfway between pissed off and bewildered that Nancy could have been married to Peter and not told her. Nancy takes the highly dubious position that she was going to tell Val and going to hand her the check, because see, it's right here, in Nancy's purse. They squabble over how to actually get Val the money, since the check is made out to Nancy, but Val's mostly just pissed that she put in eleven years married to that fucker, and Nancy gets the goldmine after one drunken weekend in Vegas (at least, that's how Nancy's telling it). Val asks if Nancy was really going to give her the money anyway, and Nancy's like, "I was mighta gonna." Back on the mini-links, Shane shoots a hole in one and celebrates. "Your kid's annoying," Val truths. "Oh, glass house dwelling person," Nancy snaps back. Val's like, "Oh yeah," and agrees to put down her metaphorical "stone." They eventually make up over Icees and the good and bad ways they are and aren't getting fucked. God, these two. They should have their own show. Oh wait...
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That night, Nancy's playing Wii Tennis when Doug comes by all freaked out. Seems Agrestic is checking their books tomorrow -- as any sane person might expect a town about to be incorporated to do, Doug -- and he needs the highly convenient sum of $100,000. He starts to flip out about going to prison, lamenting that he's too long to fit on the beds there and there's absolutely no sushi. "Unless you count dick." HA! Hey, "eat me raw" had to originate someplace. Nancy asks the rather salient question of why it's $100,000 rather than the $50,000 they had initially "borrowed." Turns out Doug got so enamored with the profit they were sure to turn that he took out another 50K and got laser eye surgery. "It's a miracle, Nance," he enthuses. "Now I can see the small print on prescription bottles." This leads to a typically Doug-ian rant on Big Pharma, leading Nancy to ask if he's on some Big Pharma right now. She eases his mind by saying she has access to some money (oh, sweetie, no), and sends him upstairs to bathe with Val's effervescent bath bomb. Of sure, just throw everything you and Val ever shared away, Nancy.
Now alone in the kitchen with Andy, Nancy says she needs to say something out loud: "I killed Peter." Andy hilariously says they all figured she did; "We all knew that U-Turn story was bullshit. I guessed poison, was I right? Silas thought you smothered him in his sleep. Shane has some wild theory about you and a samurai." Awesome. Nancy's like, "No, I meant I metaphorically killed Peter. He died because of me." Andy tells a typically fellatio-centered story, the moral of which seems to be "You can lead a horse to water, but if he drinks it and gets a parasite and dies, that's on him." Nancy mentions the life insurance and pension that she has now promised to both Val and Doug. If she doesn't give it to Doug, he goes to jail, if she doesn't give it to Val, she goes to hell. "Jail comes before hell," Andy reasons. Nancy looks like she's not so sure.
Sullivan shows up on Celia's doorstep, ready to sex her up. Celia runs back inside to stash Dean away in the laundry room via possibly my favorite use of the camera-on-a-wheelchair shot in the history of anything. Celia looks like a deranged Annie Wilkes. Well, I mean...you know what I mean. And she'd hobble Dean in a second, too, if California hillside hadn't already done it for her. So Celia and Sully start making out in the kitchen, and when he hears Dean woofing, Celia's forced to admit he's in the laundry room. Sullivan gets weirded out and leaves, Dean's mere presence having killed yet another libido.
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Nancy shows up at Tim's soccer game (he tries to kick a ball at her head) and hands Val an envelope with $4,500 in cash. Val's like "I knew it" and accuses Nancy of scamming her. Nancy only says that an emergency came up and Val with have the rest of her money in a month. Val, her voice getting louder and shakier, says that she doesn't have the luxury of a month, what with the bills and creditors and all. Nancy, now wearing a terribly unattractive shade of petulant, asks why Val's managed her money so poorly. Val's like, "Because I work a shitty job in this shitty economy that's basically designed to fuck me in the ass? How do you not know this?" Val's now in tears, bitterly claiming that she's been "fucked." "Fucked...in the head," Nancy says (yeah, good one), and she leaves, pretending that Val's the one who's handling this poorly. She takes Tim's soccer ball as she goes. Tim whines to his mommy, but Val remains my hero: "Fuck your ball, she just took our money."
Majestic City Council. Doug's been brought before the board for an unpaid loan that was made to "Aguatecture" (Conrad and Heylia's fountain-house front). Doug tries to "repay" that loan with a post-dated personal check ("read the memo line -- it says 'for Aguatecture'). He even throws in some Jesus-freak-baiting for good measure. Councilwoman Ann (played by Sam McPherson's mom) ain't buying it, but the rest of the council members love those fountains, so once again due to the incredible doofitude of a city council, Doug Wilson skates free.
Celia's house. Isabelle feeds Dean dinner while Celia looks miserable and unshowered. And whether it's the fact that she's right back where she started, with a man who can't do anything for her and a daughter who despises her, or the sad looking chicken pot pie on her dinner plate, Celia starts crying. Sobbing. Wailing. Isabelle looks nonplussed and hands her mom a napkin.
Finally, since Nancy's feeling like a terrible, shitty, worthless person, I guess it's about time for her to slink up against Sullivan again. She drunkenly (? -- it's so hard to tell with MLP sometimes) wanders into his conference room and tells him she's quitting. He's pissed at her, but he doesn't want her to quit. She says if he were a real man, he'd nail her right on the conference table. Instead, he angrily grabs her, places a hand over her mouth, and takes her from behind. She's totally into it. On the surface. Lord knows the rivers of self-hatred going on down below. But it looks like she's going to have company in hating herself, since Celia's in the doorway -- in her hot red dress and holding a plate of delicious cupcakes, the poor sucker -- watching the whole disgusting show. And you know I love Nancy, but: git 'er, Celia!
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