Previously, Peter died and Nancy found herself captivated by his ex-wife, Valerie. Also, Dean got himself a motorcycle, which is such a random thing from a whole season ago that you know it's going to mean something totally fucked up here, much like Andy's missing toes/foot-fucking from last week.
We pick up right where we left off, with Nancy's tit in a vise (literally -- though I'm tempted to use that as a saying much more often now) and Valerie asking her why the fuck she's been stalking her. Of all the uncomfortable conversations anyone's had while in the midst of a mammogram, this would probably rank in the top ten. So Val keeps demanding answers, and Nancy keeps whimpering, then looks concerned at her boob scans, but Val won't give her answers about that. Nancy offers to explain everything over coffee; she'll buy. It's worth noting that Nancy looks more helpless and pathetic right now than she ever did with U-Turn or Guillermo or any among of the parade of scary drug dealers who made her tapdance for them. Val finally realizes that she's not going to get rid of crazy stalker Nancy if she doesn't agree to this coffee date, so she says they can meet in an hour. Then she leaves the room, Nancy still tethered to the x-ray machine. It's something of a Desperate Housewives joke, the lady stuck in a mammogram machine with no place to go, but Mary-Louise Parker and Brooke Smith just aren't as haggy as the Wisteria Laners, so it's better.
While Nancy's looking pretty ridiculous in her current predicament, she's got nothing on Dean, who's sporting a mighty unconvincing handlebar mustache and happily cruising down some hillside highway or another on his bad-ass mid-life-crisis-cycle. He stops at a red light and finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a biker gang, the leader of whom nods at Dean approvingly, which is apparently an invitation to ride with them. Now, knowing this show, I was fully expecting this to end up with Dean being lured off for gay biker gang sex, thus blowing the lid off the roving gay biker orgy scene in southern California. But nope -- it's not sex but violence that fells Dean, as the bikers end up driving him off the road, and he disappears down a cliff. Things not looking so good for Dean.
Val meets up with Nancy, who tries to bond with her over iced coffees and their fatherless boys. Val's like, "I'm not here to chat like we're friends. I want to know if I should be getting a restraining order." Nancy does herself no favors by talking like a crazy person, but she at least recognizes that she's doing so. She finally gives up, saying it was nice meeting Val, "even though you are kind of a bitch," and she leaves her with the sketch she drew. Of Val's face. Val, rather than thanking God that this crazy face-sketching lady seems to be out of her life, suddenly seems intrigued. Oh, she and Nancy are perfect for each other!
That night, at the Botwins', Nancy, Andy, and Sanjay are talking business, specifically how they're going to move the giant order of weed they picked up last week, while Shane sits at the table getting evermore psychologically damaged. Sanjay (in a pink strappy tank -- hee), confirms that his territory is "colleges, junior colleges, trade schools, and gay bars and dance clubs, 'cause I'm a faggot." He says he can call himself a faggot, because he's gay and it's empowering. Nancy says the rule is they sell only to their old customers at first, expanding only to those who get vouched for. Of course, here's Silas and Tara to fuck that all up. Sanjay greets Silas by telling him he's gay (remember when Sanjay was Silas's tutor? That seems like it happened on a different show altogether), and Tara says he can get help for that. "Oh, I know," says Sanjay. "This guy Stewart has been really helping me." Ha! Nancy nudges Silas to get rid of the eighty-pound bag of narc he's currently not having sex with before they talk any more business. Of course, Silas has already told Tara about everything, because what's almost getting busted with a metric ton of weed in your trunk to make you even a little bit more cautious? He tries to sell Nancy on the idea of he and Tara tapping the Christian market in Majestic. Tara bullshits about how "they say" that when John the Baptist anointed Jesus Christ, it was with cannabis oil (Sanjay: "Whoa, that's hot.") and that God wants her to sell pot, so she can afford that BMW that He also wants her to have. "The good Christian people of Majestic like to get baked," Silas smirks, seemingly reveling in the hypocrisy, though so completely oblivious of the, I'll say it again, eighty-pound bag of hypocrisy to his right. Shane's all, "That explains so much," about the Majestic Christians being potheads, even though it doesn't explain anything at all. Nancy hates this idea, but the cat's already out of the bag, so she lets Tara in. She gives her Silas's cell phone, though, because Silas is being demoted for not exercising discretion. Awesome. If there were a spinoff to this show called "Taking Silas Down A Peg," I would watch it every week.
Shane says some lady named "Valerie" is at the door, which certainly has Nancy interested. Cut to Val at the door, who apologizes for "acting like an asshole" earlier. Now that they're both stalkers, the vibe is a lot more cordial between them. Back in Val's car, Tim's being obnoxious with the horn (he's on his way to therapy, thank God), so she can't stay, but she brought Nancy a gift: an effervescent bath ball. "My advice is to let it bubble between your legs," Val says. Okay, this is both the most inappropriate beginning to a friendship ever yet also completely up Nancy's alley. Val's gotta go, but she remembers to tell Nancy that her boobs are "fine and benign" before she does. "Aren't you glad I'm not a proctologist?" she smirks. "Well," Nancy says, "you have short fingernails but a lot of anger, so..." Hee. Before Val can go smack her kid and take him to his shrink, Nancy invites her to dinner tomorrow. Love this pairing.
And now a pairing I don't so much love: Sullivan and Celia. She's standing by her man, assuring him the referendum's going to go their way, when Isabelle calls. We only hear Celia's end of the conversation, but it's clear that Isabelle hasn't heard from her dad and is worried. She's right to be, of course, considering Dean's lying at the bottom of a hill, alive but immobile. Celia's sure he's fine, as "God protects the stupid." She'd better hope so, given the sleazeball on whose lap she's sitting.
The central air's busted at Nancy's house, which is a problem, no doubt, but considering I've been in the sweltering pocket of heat that is Brooklyn, NY for a month and a half now with nothing but fans and a tray of ice cubes for comfort, my heart isn't exactly breaking for her. Shane's looking up something or other on the computer, but Nancy blows him off, as usual, because Nancy's got Silas to deal with. As usual. She's furious that he would let Tara in on the business. Silas assures her that Tara is "totally, totally trustworthy." Oh my God. Nancy somehow doesn't trust his judgment, especially considering (though she doesn't mention this) that his judgment is in his pants. Silas counters that Nancy married a DEA agent, and Nancy's like, "Yeah, so don't be that kind of stupid." She says she's planning on taking him to the grow house tomorrow. Silas doesn't know whether that's a reward or a punishment. Depends on if Heylia's there, is my guess.
Out in the woods, a dog comes upon Dean's still-conscious and still-immobile body. And...pees on his face. Man, what did Dean ever do to deserve that?
Elsewhere, Celia's reading the paper; the headline reads "Majestic Swallows Agrestic," so I guess the referendum passed? Sullivan gives her a necklace to thank her for her help. They start making out, and her phone rings. She doesn't want to answer it, but Sullivan picks it up and sees it's from "Belly." Okay, I know that nickname arises from Celia being mean to Isabelle in the first episode, but I think it's totally sweet that Celia has her in her phone as "Belly." Gives me hope for those two. So Celia answers the phone and has to tell Isabelle to stop crying about three times before she can understand what she's saying. Once she does, all she can do is sigh, "Son of a bitch."
Cut to the hospital, where Dean's in one of those neck brace things that makes it looks like you're in a magic trick and your head's in a box. He's also bandaged up on his arms and legs and he can't speak. Isabelle is a crying mess, and Celia tells her to "drop the Steel Magnolias bit." And then out pops Shane to grab Celia by her arms and tell Isabelle to knock her lights out. No, that didn't happen. Though that is the 100th time I've referenced that scene in that movie on this site, which I think makes me eligible for a prize. Or castration. Celia's like, "He's still breathing, isn't he?" Isabelle inquires as to why her mother's such a cunt. Rather than place the blame for that on the two other people in the room, Celia just tells her not to use foul language, lest people think she wasn't raised right. The doctor comes in and explains that Dean's going to live, thanks in part to the many animals who peed on him, inadvertently disinfecting his wounds. He will have to undergo several more surgeries and extensive rehab, but Celia's not at all down for that commitment. Isabelle points out that Dean has no one else, but Celia's still not budging and suggests that the state-funded institutions could help. Speaking of getting peed on by animals...
Doug gets prevented for accessing the Majestic golf club, despite his membership, because Sullivan's vengeful like that. Doug says he's not budging, no matter how many cars pile up behind him, so we cut to Doug's van getting towed, with Doug inside it. He pledges that "this," whatever it is, is not over.
"Teach him how to grow," says Nancy, to Conrad, re: Silas. And say what you will about the poor parenting decision to set your kid up with an apprenticeship at a grow house, but considering Conrad is by far the most positive male role model on the show, maybe this isn't the worst thing Nancy's done as a mother. Not even just this week. Of course, Conrad wants no part of it, not least because Silas is the "little fucker" who stole their stash and got them into all their trouble to begin with. Nancy's explicit about wanting Conrad to be a "mentor" and a "positive role model" for Silas, even though I'm pretty sure we in the audience could come to that conclusion on our own. Nancy tries to sweet-talk Conrad into it, but what eventually works is $10 an hour, which Conrad points out is on the cheap side of the current suburban babysitting market, so she tosses in a Rolex as well. "Go on," she says. "Make my boy your bitch." Conrad kind of likes the sound of that. Not in a creepy, rapey way. Just in a "Silas is gonna have to fucking work" way, which I think we can all get behind.
Dean's hospital room, where he's currently being visited by the Goofus twins, Andy and Doug. And, of course, there's a hot nurse in the room wearing, like, a mini-dress masquerading as a uniform (it's bright teal, like we're in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead all of a sudden), which essentially validates Andy's existence in the scene. If there's no avenue for him to be gross or inappropriate, what's the point? To that end, Andy and Doug's sympathy for their fallen friend gets sidetracked when they figure they can gank some of his morphine drip, because in the Degenerate Olympics, they're in a fierce battle for the gold. They do, however, promise Dean that they'll be able to help pay for his rehab with the money that will soon be flowing again from the reestablished MILF business. Is Dean even in the MILF business anymore? He'd better hope his benefits haven't expired.
Celia's explaining to Sullivan that she's going to have to sell her house in Majestic to pay for Dean's rehab. Sullivan tells her she can't sell the house, seeing as she doesn't really own the house, since he acquired it through shady means and gave it to her as a bribe. She asks if he can sell the house for her, but he doesn't seem interested in doing that. He tells Celia she'll think of something. Thanks, boyfriend!
At Nancy's house, she and Val are on the patio, drinking wine and enjoying the rolling blackouts that are currently keeping things nice and candle-lit. They're good and drunk, the kind of drunk where you find ways to laugh about thinks like overpopulation and the depletion of our natural resources. Seriously. Nancy lies down to look up at the stars and reminisce about how much easier it was to deal with her kids when they were toddlers. Val cosigns that and takes up some floor to Nancy, who semi-nonsequiters that Tim's "kind of a dickhead." Val's all, "Hey, I love my son!" until she thinks about it for three seconds. "I love my dickhead son," she Heathers, and they both giggle madly. Nancy announces that she has ice cream cake, which should seal the deal on making Val her friend. Ice cream cake would make the president of Iran my friend. Andy wanders out and tells the two drunken, braying women to keep it down. He makes the mistake of calling Val "ma'am," which in turn causes her to bare her breasts to him, in order to prove that hers are not the tits of a "ma'am." Andy agrees, and with an admirable lack of total piggishness. She takes off to get the cake and three forks.
Andy lies down to Nancy and congratulates her on finally making a friend at long last. He's less than congratulatory when he finds out her friend is Peter's ex-wife. In fact, he asks if she's "fucking insane." Hey, if stalking Brooke Smith until she agrees to drink wine and eat cake with me on my patio is insane, then measure me for my straight jacket, sir. Wait, that would be insane. But this is still the most fun Nancy's been all season, so I dearly hope it lasts longer than this one episode.
Sullivan's at some outdoor press conference thing, announcing the Majestic/Agrestic takeover or whatever. Please forgive me if I gloss over the finer politics of this show. Nancy's off to the side, looking like a biker ho (teased out hair and a black tube dress? Doesn't she have a drag race at the reservoir to attend to?) and serving the same function as one of Barker's Beauties on The Price Is Right. She's literally there to point at a banner and applaud. So Sullivan blahs his blah ("Change is good, because change is change...") until off in the near distance, a geyser of sewage erupts, farting out waste and feces and stinking grossness into the air. It's far enough away that it doesn't land on anyone, but they're all downwind of it, so that's enough. And in between Sullivan and the fountain of shit is Doug, dancing the cabbage patch of ecological terrorism. And say what you will about fucking up Sullivan's plans, but this cannot be good for the dirt shrew.