The Two Mrs. Scottsons

S03E08

Previously: Hey, remember how Nancy got involved with Peter the DEA Agent, and Peter had a son, Tim? And also remember how Andy got his toes bitten off by a dog so now his foot is all deformed? And also remember how Celia had cancer and "the puppies [were] comin' off"? All three of those things are mentioned in the previouslies, and will thus be appearing in this episode, which I guess makes this Continuity Week here at Showtime.

So last week, Agent Wonder Bread's dead body surfaced in a ditch, and now Peter's ex-partner Agent Fundas is answering questions from his superior. Fundas keeps belching, because remember how that's his one character trait? Anyway, the Captain is a grumpy sort of person, though on this particular occasion he's got a reason. He produces a pair of dossiers from Internal Affairs on both Fundas and Peter which say that they were running a dirty, dirty operation. Angry Captain's solution is that Fundas will be taking an early retirement, Peter will be buried as a hero, and this whole thing will be swept under the rug. Which is pretty great news for Nancy!

Speaking of our favorite overwhelmed mother/dealer, Nancy observes Peter's funeral from a distance, making particular note of Peter's son, Tim, and his ex-wife, played by Brooke Smith who is just all over my TV this week. That's a good thing. Brooke's chewing gum all blasé while Peter's coffin is being lowered into the ground, so now I like the character almost as much as I like the actress. Nancy takes a call from Sullivan while she's there -- he's utterly clueless about what's going on in Nancy's life, he just wants to talk dirty to her. She's less than interested, though, and tells him straight up that he won't be getting any more until she's feeling "desperate" again. Desperate for what, she doesn't say, which is too bad because it seemed last week that she was only desperate to crawl on top of the grossest human being possible. Nancy resumes staring at Brooke and Tim, as Tim angrily tears up the American flag that those cops spent all that time folding. Nancy's clearly excited to find that someone's life may have been more severely fucked up by knowing Peter Scottson than hers.

By Joe R

Conrad's fancy new weed emporium. Heylia's managing the front desk. Nancy stops by and gets the warm reception you might expect. She tells Heylia that she got them all out from under Marvin's thumb, and that while she may have some trouble moving her shit on the streets (she doesn't specifically mention Guillermo's threat from last week, but Heylia's a smart lady, so I'll assume she knows why), but she's still got Nancy, and Nancy's got the brand spankin' new territory of Majestic opening up soon. Okay, maybe I'm weird, but Nancy telling Heylia "you've still got me" was totally heartwarming! So nice to see these two on the same playground again. Nancy wants to make a buy, but Heylia is delighted to inform her that they're a wholesale operation now, selling to the big customers like the pot clubs. So unless Nancy comes back with five figures, Heylia just can't help her. See, they love each other!

Nancy comes home to find Doug filling in for Andy with the house-husband duties (he's cooking...hot dogs) while Andy's on-set with the pornographers. He says the envelope of cash on the counter is from "the tall one...'Leif Garrity'? Little goonish?" (Nancy: "Silas?") who then left with "the blonde, tiny tits, big cross." And then "the other one -- big vocab, creepy eyes" is out back with "what's her name...Celia's dyke." HA! To all of it. God love ya, Doug. Speaking of Shane and Isabelle, they return from the yard and tell Nancy about how they've "bonded over sin" and their in-school suspension ("reflection") for not loving Jesus. Nancy asks how they'll be reflecting, and Shane says with a Wii tournament. Sounds perfectly appropriate to me. Also: yay! Shane and Isabelle haven't allowed Christian temptresses to impede their world-beating alliance!

By Joe R

Nancy opens her first paycheck and is depressed to find that Silas selling weed is making more money than she is. She's what...surprised by this? She sarcastically asks Doug if he's got a spare ten grand he can lend her, but Doug seriously asks how quickly she could turn it over if he did. She says a month, and then Doug talks through whatever "dummy corporation" logistics it would take to set it up, so Nancy tells him to do it. And to make it 50 grand. Nancy then asks Shane for his karate class contact sheet, upon which is listed not only Peter Scottson's name, but also one "Valerie Scottson." Something tells me it's stalkin' time!

Porno set. Andy's being a looky-loo and lavishly complimenting the director on his contributions to pornography as an art form. Andy talking about porn is like a cinephile talking about Malick. It's annoying but dorkily admirable. Andy starts to say that he's always dreamt about being in porn, but the director's all, "Yeah, yeah, all caterers do." He says you have to have something special to be in porn, like a wang the size of a Buick or something. What does Andy have that's so special. Cut to a cute girl with a clap-board announcing "Foot Fuckers, scene one!" Seems Andy's mauled foot has been left in the perfect shape for use as a nontraditional phallus. We get a truly hilarious montage of different "Foot Fucker" scenarios, including Andy as UPS delivery guy with sore feet, a room service waiter with sore feet, and a Mexican gardener with sore feet. By the end, his toe is cramping, but he living his dream, the little pervert.

Celia's in her brand new house, her hair in rollers, as she peruses her divorce papers (and draws smiley faces to her signatures) and slowly empties a bottle of Stoli. She's on the phone with Sullivan, who wants to know is she liked the dress he sent her. She's all, "Well it's a size 2 and I have actual flesh on my bones so it obviously didn't fit." She finds his presumption "flattering but annoying," though she's probably feel differently if she knew as we do that this is the same red dress he bought to give to Nancy, but she refused. While he sweet-talks poor Celia, he writes "I love your ass" on a notepad and holds it up for an irritated Nancy to see. Yeah, Nancy, I think he's a big turd, too. You can tell by how I didn't let him eat me out last week. Anyway, Celia invites Sullivan over to help her celebrate her newly ended marriage, because bad idea relationships aren't the sole province of Nancy Botwin.

By Joe R

Silas, with Tara, stops by Heylia's to make the buy for Nancy, passing himself off as "Judah" and Tara as "Sunshine." Heylia's all, "Whatever, take your fountain, too." It seems the cover business here is selling these decorative fountains shaped like houses. ...I don't know. Heylia exposits for us that Nancy's paying with a check made out by the "City of Agrestic" (thanks, Doug!) and that if it bounces, Nancy's ass will once again be grass.

Sullivan and Celia are busy doing it, but Celia's still clearly self-conscious. She tells him about her cancer, about her reconstructive surgery, and her "spare parts." He says he doesn't care, but she's still embarrassed. Sullivan tries to make her feel better by admitting he hasn't been able to get a hard-on without "magical boner pills" in two years. "We're used," he says. "Doesn't mean we can't be sexy." Hey, even a broken clock, et cetera. He pulls open her robe and starts kissing her breasts. "If I still had feeling in my nipple, I bet that would feel amazing," she says.

Then? The near-unthinkable happens. Sullivan's dubiously sincere words to Celia about how the first time he saw her he wanted to know her are layed over scenes of Nancy parked again outside of Val's work, which we now see is a women's health clinic. "I just want to know you; I don't know why," says Sullivan as he inadvertently narrates Nancy's inner monologue. Nancy heads inside the clinic, and we see she's taking up the ruse of getting a breast examination in order to finally meet Val. Val is super nice and helpful as Nancy whips out her boobie and places it in the vice-thingie apparatus that they use for mammograms. Once she's all set, Val asks if she's "locked in" (she is) before saying that she knows exactly who Nancy is. "So, Nancy Botwin," Val says, "why are you here? And what do you want? And why the fuck are you stalking me?" She only thinks you're awesome, Val! We all do!