Someone named Aidan Hawken brings us "Little Boxes" this week, and then we're in a hallway at Nancy's. Silas has barricaded himself in his room, and refuses to come out, no matter how much Nancy begs him to come out and ignore her. She gets a phone call from Conrad, who tells her they have "trouble in Little Armenia." Nancy asks if he can't say "good morning" when he calls, but Conrad isn't so sure it is a good morning, and tells her about the DEA raids. He asks who's on shift. Nancy says that Sanjay is. Conrad asks whether she's heard from him; she hasn't. Conrad asks her to meet him at the grow house.
And then both Nancy and Conrad are cautiously letting themselves in the back door, unsure what they're going to find. Or, I guess, Nancy's pretending she doesn't know. It would be hard to tell what exactly happened if you hadn't...you know, watched it, like we did; the place does look like it's been ransacked, possibly by heedless cops. Conrad finds the toilet with plants sticking out and guesses that Sanjay got busted. Nancy is horrified at the idea and pulls out her phone to call him. Soon, they can hear Sanjay's phone ringing, and Nancy pulls open the closet door to find Sanjay. His first reaction to the light is to beg whoever's there not to shoot. Seeing Nancy and Conrad, he asks them to wait, since he has a call. He picks up, pretending to be totally relaxed and normal (hee, like me answering the phone before noon on a weekend), and Conrad takes Nancy's phone hand to bellow into it, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!" Sanjay explains what happened, and how they tried to flush the plants. Conrad angrily asks whether Sanjay thinks a houseful of weed is the same as a dime bag at church camp. Sanjay: "I'm Hindu." Ha! Nancy asks who else was there with Sanjay when it all went down, and he says Andy was. They ask where he is, and Sanjay says that Andy just said "Out of my way, brownie," and took off, mother plant in hand. Conrad tears off to look for Andy. Nancy dismisses Sanjay.
Nancy finds Andy in another closet, the mother plant in his lap. He guesses that there's no raid after all, and explains that they can't see out, but they knew there were cop cars and helicopters and whatnot, so they panicked. Inspecting the mother, Conrad asks why it smells funny. "'Cause I saved it," says Andy. Sounding like he might start crying, he tries to collect himself, saying he thought he was going to prison: "Look at this face. I'd get passed around prison like a loose joint." Conrad asks why the plant smells like pee: "Did you piss on my plant?" Andy says he didn't piss on it: "I watered it. With my urine." Conrad is not pleased. Andy says that he saved the mother's life: he provided moisture, and wrapped the roots in his good hoodie. Andy says that urine has nitrogen in it, which is good for plants. Conrad says it isn't when it's concentrated, like in pee, but Andy claims that he drank seven bottles of water to dilute it. Nancy uses a pair of tongs to pull Andy's sodden hoodie out of the pot, asking Conrad whether he hurt the plant with his pee. As Conrad checks out the plant, Andy preens that it looks good: "There's a little bit of me in it." Nancy complains that he never knows when to shut up. Conrad is cautiously optimistic, but tells Andy he'd better hope the clones are okay. Andy says that at least they're still in business: "We could all be in the hoosegow right now." "No, we couldn't, we were fine 'til you trashed the place," says Nancy sharply. Conrad gives her a long look, waiting for her to reveal more, and Nancy, realizing what she's just hinted at, vaguely says she's going to go see if any of the clones in the bathroom can be salvaged. Conrad is suspicious!
On the set of Isabelle's first Huskeroos shoot, we pan past a girl on a trampoline (much bigger than Isabelle, by the way -- her lower half is all squat and bulbous like Charla from The Amazing Race, weird) to a makeup table, where Isabelle's just had her hair flat-ironed by John Paul DeJoria. She and Dean are both delighted, but then Celia comes over -- saying she's there because Isabel's the only one generating income in the family at the moment, so she's protecting their cash cow -- and starts shitting all over it. She bitches to the hairdresser that because Isabelle has a disproportionately small head, she needs her big hair to keep from looking like a pinhead. John Paul DeJoria's like, "I don't need this," and Dean sarcastically asks Celia whether she wants to take a run at the makeup , just to make sure Isabellegets fired. Celia says that the makeup is terrible too, crabbing that they gave Isabel "blowjob lips." The director, having been summoned by John Paul DeJoria, comes over to ask what's going on. Celia tells him about Isabelle's bad hairdo: "Why is it that all you gay men hate women sooooo much?" "Because we have mothers like you," says the director, awesomely. Celia chuckles dryly. The director sends John Paul DeJoria back to fix Isabelle's hair, and calls for Security to escort Celia off the set. "Control freak," she grits. "Horror show," he shoots back. As Celia disgustedly makes to leave, Dean smirks, and Isabelle crows, "I love show business."
Nancy's hallway. She's found a little karaoke machine and an assortment of toy musical instruments (and a metal saucepan she's using as a drum) and is attempting to annoy Silas out of his room, like how the U.S. agents took down Noriega with disco music. Shane and Andy both descend on Nancy, begging her to stop, but Nancy says that she can't; it's her invasion of Panama. Andy recaps the Noriega story for Shane, and then says he's tired again, getting down on the floor and laying his head in Nancy's lap. Shane asks whether Noriega had noise-cancelling headphones, because Silas does, and Shane doesn't, and now he's "going mental." Nancy sends Shane to school. He tells her he'll be late; he joined the debate team. She picks up her microphone again and, quietly, implores Silas to come out. She asks Andy what she can do to help him. "Buy him a car," suggests Andy. "I want a car," says Silas, finally showing his face. Nancy says no, and Silas goes back into his room.
But, of course, Nancy is the kind of parent who makes her kids love her by buying them things (that is: the best kind), so the scene finds her and Silas at a used-car lot. Now that he's out of his room, he's decided to punish his mother for her interest by asking her uncomfortable questions, like how business is going. Nancy says she's not going to talk to him about that. He tells her not to treat him like a kid, and so Nancy finally says that business is fine. He asks whether she's only dealing weed, or if she's also selling coke or meth, and after a moment, she thoughtfully says it's just weed. He asks why, and she says that while coke and meth are dangerous, smoking weed is essentially a victimless crime -- though she doesn't want Silas to smoke it, because "pot makes you stupid." At this juncture, a chipper salesman rolls up and says it looks like they're ready to buy. Nancy says that she needs a car for her son. The salesman guesses that it's a special occasion, and Silas announces, "My girlfriend just had an abortion." Salesman: "I've got just the car." Ha! Now that's a good salesman: prepared for any eventuality. I kind of want a web-only spinoff of this guy, dealing with only the most difficult customers, coming in and telling him, like, they just found out they have lupus, or they're about to be shipped to Iraq, or their mother was abducted this morning. "For real? Have you seen the '04 Touareg?"
Anyway, apparently when your girlfriend's just had an abortion, what you need is a convertible. Silas loves it, and as he climbs into the driver's seat, the salesman points out that it's a two-seater: "No back seat, no trouble." Ha! Like Silas ever had to resort to a car. The salesman excuses himself, and Nancy leans in and says that the convertible is unsafe. Silas needles that, if Nancy has such concerns for his safety, she should have chosen a different line of work, but she tells him to pick out a four-door and be glad he's not on roller skates. He whines, but she says that if he doesn't cram it, she's going to take her "dirty drug money" and spent it on "giant diamond earrings and a gold tooth," and that he can buy a sports car when he's forty-seven and bald. I really hate to think of that happening to this dreamy kid, but I guess it's likely that he'll end up looking like Dean eventually.
In the library at Shane's school, the faculty head of the debate club is giving a pep talk about how they've become known as a second-rate debate school, and have lost cred since the glory days when Joel Garrity, Leon Krantzberg, and Larry Chin were debating. The camera pans across the three celebrities' photos as the teacher names them, and then to a fourth frame, in which is a sheet printed, "WILL YOU BE HERE?" Oh my God, the pressure! Anyway, Shane's not paying attention to the teacher, instead watching Gretchen as she plays with her hair, and then pulls out a pen cap to pick gunk out of her braces. Which apparently Shane finds irresistible.
Isabelle shows up at Doug's office. She wants to find a way to keep her money away from her parents. Doug asks whether Celia knows she's there, and Isabelle says no, and that she doesn't want Doug to tell her. Doug: "Oh, I don't speak to that cun--" Isabelle stares at him a moment, and since there's no real way to cover that (other than "country and western-loving lady," and Arrested Development already used that line), Doug just rephrases: "Your mother and I rarely speak." He hasn't heard that Isabelle has any money. She tells him about Huskeroos. Doug is aware of the brand, and Isabelle tells him it's going to be a lot of cheddar. He explains that he can set up a trust for her, but that she'll have to involve at least one parent. Isabelle says that's bullshit, since it's her money, but when Doug asks which parent she wants to name, he hasn't even gotten the entire sentence out before Isabelle's answered, "My dad." Doug confirms again that Celia doesn't know she's there, and Isabelle says she doesn't. Doug smiles, and offers Isabelle a Crunch bar. Girl, no! If he's going to be getting a percentage of your money for this work, hold out for something from Cadbury!
Yeshiva party. There's boisterous circle dancing, and then the song ends, and Andy staggers out to a seat in the hall. Yael follows, singing the song they were just dancing to and flirting with her skirt. As she takes her hair down, she asks whether Andy's still okay with where they've ended up. Andy sighs that he's fine just being a friend, but then Yael put a foot up on Andy's seat, between his thighs, hikes up her skirt, and pulls a flask out of her stocking. Dude. HOT. She takes a lusty swig, and Andy leans forward, imploring her that he has to fuck her. Yael laughs merrily and says that, as she already told him, Andy has none of the qualities she looks for in a male lover. She flops down in the chair to him as he tells her he can get those qualities: "I know a guy." Yael adds, though, that Andy has soft skin, and sad eyes: "Which are qualities I find attractive when I sleep with women." Andy decides that he can hang with this. Um, me too. Yael is, like, my #1 girl crush of 2006.
Heylia's. The lady of the house is all done up in a plain, body-concealing white smock dress, her hair all tied up in a white scarf, as she serves a halal dinner to Joseph and Vaneeta. Joseph says he appreciates that Heylia is sensitive to his dietary laws, and she chuckles that it's fun. As he enthuses over the lamb chops, Vaneeta says she likes pork chops. Joseph condescendingly tells her that the pig is a filthy animal, which carries parasites, and Vaneeta, unconcerned, says that those parasites taste good to her. Joseph patronizes that he's just trying to educate her, but Vaneeta's not interested, and reminds him that this isn't Muslim school. Heylia warns her to pipe down, but Joseph says he'll talk to her. He tells Vaneeta that her hostility is obvious: "What's troubling you?" Vaneeta says she's not thrilled with him coming around with this "holier-than-thou bullshit." Heylia angrily reaches for a platter, trying to signal Vaneeta to shut it, but she persists: "'We don't eat this. We don't do that. We like our women dressed like fucking beekeepers.'" Heylia slams the bowl down, with a sharp look. Joseph, though, isn't done with Vaneeta, and even as Heylia frowns at him like he's overstepping his bounds, he tells Vaneeta that with her tattoos, her braids, and her pottymouth, it's no wonder her baby "has no father." "Fuck you, you bowtie-wearing motherfucker!" is Vaneeta's succinct rejoinder. Heylia asks both of them to stop so they can have a nice meal, but Joseph says that he's lost his appetite, and leaves, telling Heylia he'll call her. Once he's gone, Heylia throws down her napkin and asks if Vaneeta has any last words. Turns out she does: "Where the hell are you? You so busy finding fucking couscous on the internet, you ain't takin' care of your game! Conrad is never here no more, and business is off, and all you can think about is some fancy-preachin', pork-fearin' fat-ass." This sinks in a moment, and then Vaneeta adds that if Heylia plans to "drop out" and become a "'lee-lee'-shriekin' Muslim ladies," Vaneeta would like to know, so that she can get a babysitter, call Keeyon, and get business back on track. She stomps out, leaving Heylia to stand there in her wrongness and be wrong.
Okay, so here's where Yael kind of loses me, but only kind of. Back at her place, she throws Andy down on the bed and rips his pants off. Andy excitedly waits for whatever's coming , particularly when Yael takes her skirt off and leans down, pulling a mysterious box out from under the bed. Andy's intrigued and titillated, until she pulls out a strap-on harness with an enormous black dildo attached to it. Andy's face falls as he asks if she thinks she can take it, but she coos, "It's not for me." Andy looks like he is still dreaming of a panic room as he notes that it's very big. Lubing it up, Yael tells him that it'll fit, and to quit being a pussy. Andy decides to make the best of it, going in for a kiss, but Yael flips him like a pancake and reminds him to breathe. Easier said than done when the head of that thing ends up banging into his diaphragm.
Shane's school. Shane is walking down the hall when he sees Gretchen at her locker. He walks toward her in slow motion, but just when he's getting up the nerve to talk to her, he sees a couple of his douchey "friends" watching them, so he freaks out and kicks Gretchen in the shin. Gretchen grabs her leg, the friends laugh, and Shane runs away to hate himself in private.
Nancy arrives at the grow house to find Conrad -- in full view of the front door, by the way -- spritzing a bunch of wee plants with a spray bottle. Nancy brightly asks after "the kids," and Conrad mumbles that they'll see how they do. Nancy, recognizing the cold shoulder when she gets it, asks what's wrong, and Conrad tells her he's been thinking about how they managed not to get taken down in the raid. Nancy quietly says that they were lucky -- her face betraying how little even she thinks this gambit will work -- and sure enough, Conrad says he doesn't believe in luck. Nancy meets Conrad's eye unflinchingly and invites him to ask him anything he wants to know. Conrad asks how their "Armenian problem" has evaporated. Nancy reminds him that she said she'd take care of it. Conrad guesses that she's "still fucking that DEA guy," and Nancy breathes that it's not like that: "He's on our side." Even as she says it, she looks like she realizes how idiotic it sounds. Conrad tells her that she lied to him when she told him Peter didn't know what she did, and Nancy babbles out a convoluted explanation of the timeline of what Peter knew and when he knew it, her point being that it wasn't a lie when she told it. Conrad asks how she can be sure they're okay, and Nancy says that she has insurance. Conrad jokes bitterly that State Farm has a get-out-of-jail-free policy, and Nancy, her voice breaking, says that she married Peter. Conrad looks like Nancy just kicked the wind out of him, and she stammeringly explains that it's a marriage of convenience, given that now Peter can't be forced to testify against her, and you know, she keeps saying that, but that doesn't preclude him from testifying against her voluntarily. Nancy adds that, what with Peter being a DEA agent married to a drug dealer and fully cognizant of her illegal activities, their marriage is a form of mutually assured destruction. Eh, I guess. Anyway, Nancy's point is that they're safe. Conrad says that she is, but that there's no ring on his finger. Nancy, hurt, says that they're partners, and Conrad asks why, then, every move she makes "digs [his] grave." Nancy, moving toward the door, says that Peter doesn't know about Conrad, but Conrad asks how long that can possibly last. He adds that Heylia was right: "You just open your big brown eyes and me? I just fall into shit!" Nancy slinks out, knowing Conrad is right. Conrad stares after her, wondering why he never thought to explain to her why having a relationship with an officer of the law was a bad idea.
Celia finds Dean polishing a new motorcycle in the atrium. He tells her he bought it with his money: his new job is managing Isabelle. Celia's not happy. But Celia doesn't have much recourse.
Nancy's At Nite. Nancy's passed out on her arms at the counter in the kitchen when Silas comes home, weirdly subdued. Nancy gives him shit for coming in at 4:30, but she's too tired to really put a lot of Irish in it. Silas, zombielike, tells Nancy he's okay with that she does. Nancy stares at Silas and, I think, probably curses her aching neck and wonders why she didn't just sleep on the couch that was right behind her the whole time.
In his office, Doug delightedly takes in a YouTube video of animal-control officers shooting tranqs at a bear in a tree, who then falls out, right onto a trampoline, bouncing off. Heh. Celia walks in, and as Doug cues up the video again, Celia interrupts the fun by sliding an 8 x 10 in front of the screen, depicting Doug enjoying his bong; he had sent it to Dean as a joke. Doug says that it is pretty funny, but Celia doesn't think he'll find it so amusing when she bulk-mails it to every voter in Agrestic. Doug doesn't seem to take the threat very seriously, so he's unconcerned when Celia says that her terms are that he make her a signatory on Isabelle's account. Doug says he won't go against Isabelle's wishes. It doesn't seem to have occurred to Celia that this would be Isabelle's idea, but Doug sets her straight, adding with a chuckle, "She hates you! Too bad she can't vote." Celia, bemused, tries to say that she and Isabel have had their problems, Doug corrects her: "She hates you. Just like I hate you!" He tells her to mail it to whomever she wants, and dismisses her with a wave. However, when she leans over to get her photo, she catches Doug checking out her ass. Intriguing, no?
Peter arrives at "Thursday's," and declines a table, saying that he's waiting for someone. He sits in the lobby...right to Conrad. The two men sort of nod obliviously at each other, and then when Nancy walks in, both chivalrously leap up, notice one another, and awkwardness ensues. Nancy heads straight for the hostess, and asks for a table for three.
Inside, Nancy apologizes for the ruse that got both her fellows there. Peter and Conrad stare at each other suspiciously, and finally Peter asks who "this person" is. Nancy, putting her hand on Conrad's, says that he's her business partner, but he quickly denies it, saying that he's just another out-of-work black man. Nancy very seriously tells him that it's okay. Peter asks why they're all there. Nancy explains that Conrad wasn't happy with their arrangement, and she thought that if they all could meet, they could clear the air, so she tells Conrad to ask Peter anything he wants to know. Peter did not co-sign that offer, but Conrad leaps in anything, confirming that Peter is "the husband," and Peter that Conrad is the "partner." Conrad, narrowing his eyes, asks why Peter would risk his career by marrying Nancy and turning a blind eye to all her pot-ing. Peter says that he does it for Nancy, and takes his turn to ask a question: how did Conrad's partnership with Nancy start? "My kid bit her kid at a karate tournament," deadpans Conrad. Peter dryly says that's funny. Conrad asks whether any of Peter's colleagues know about Conrad, and Peter dismissively says they probably don't: "You're small-time." Nancy says that she thought they all needed to meet if this was going to work out, and Conrad bitterly asks how in the world this could possibly work out. Peter decrees that they not expand beyond the grow house, and to take their harvest directly to the medical marijuana clubs. Conrad asks if Peter doesn't want "a piece" of said harvest, and Peter says, "I don't want any money. I just want Nancy." The prize herself looks shiftily toward Conrad, testing to see how this is going to go over. Conrad asks if he's just supposed to trust Peter, and Peter ingenuously says he doesn't have to: "Trust your partner! Who happens to be my partner. So by the transitive property of partner trust, we can trust each other." He raises his eyebrows. Nancy decides to end the episode by fooling herself, putting a hand on each dude's and saying that they're all going to be fine. I guess that the birthday singalong at the table is what's distracting Nancy from all the dick-measuring going on under the table.