Apparently this episode's cover of "Little Boxes" is by Engelbert Humperdinck. Huh. We pick back up where we left off -- Nancy spitting out what's left of the bile in her mouth. Peter appears to hand her a tissue, and she wipes off some of the sweat on her brow. Peter asks to talk to her.
In his truck, Peter explains that there are only about four hundred DEA agents in the world, and that they are charged with investigating all narcotics offenders, so Nancy's kind of not really on his radar. As she keeps babbling that she's been "so stupid," he suggests that they get a bottle of wine and figure out their situation. Sure -- what could be more enticing to a girl who hasn't had dinner and just threw up?
But in the wine bar, Nancy's recovered her colour and turned on the flirt, leaning over the table with a little smile as she asks how she can know Peter's not setting her up. He tells her to trust him, and she points out that as a DEA agent and a drug dealer, they are natural enemies. There's some flirty arguing over who was the victim in that fable about the scorpion (Nancy: it wasn't a turtle), and then Nancy asks how long Peter's known what she's really about. He says he investigated her right after they slept together, and that it wasn't hard: "It is my job." Nancy asks if he's wearing a wire, and he obligingly tilts his chin up so that she can pat him down -- not that she'd know what it felt like if he were wearing a wire, and after a long moment of tipsy pawing, she murmurs, "I love your chest." She pulls her hand back, says she's freaking out, takes off her blouse (it's okay, she has a tank top on), and comments that she loves the wine they're drinking. Peter says Nancy's adorable when she's "looped," and she denies that she is, saying that the wine flushes her, and that all girls look better with blush -- at least, that's what her sister told her. "Jill?" asks Peter. Oh, Nancy. Run away! But she doesn't: instead, she asks what would happen if she gave up her "career" -- then would he let her go? "I don't want to let you go," says Peter, which, if you've seen the whole season, resonates a lot more with you now than it did when he first said it. She asks if he couldn't just pretend he doesn't know what she does, and he says he could. Nancy replies that he couldn't, and then asks how she is to know that this isn't just an act he puts on to rook dealers. "Take them to dinner and profess my love?" deadpans Peter. "It's how I took down the Santiago brothers." Hee. Nancy coyly says that she'll never trust Peter. "Never say never," he advises. He explains that he's had more time to mull this whole thing over than she has, and now, he's "a man with a plan," and they're "gonna make this work." Nancy no longer looks so mellow and relaxed.
Celia wakes Isabelle up at 6 AM for Boot Camp, since she assumes Isabelle doesn't want to be the fattest girl at fat camp. Oh hell no.
So Boot Camp, in the park, doesn't actually look all that Boot-y, given that it's being conducted by a super-cheery bantamweight instructor dude, Ricardo, with an unshakeable grin. Celia drops Isabelle off and trudges back to the car.
Some time later, Ricardo just abandons the class, I guess, and comes out to the parking lot, where Celia's sitting in her car, reading a magazine and smoking. Ricardo leans in the open window to ask if she wants to join them. She seems appalled by his effrontery, but calmly informs him that she has a tape that she does at home. I feel her -- exercising in the sun is for chumps. Ricardo says that there are no looky-loos at Boot Camp -- "just do-y-dos" -- but she says she only paid for Isabelle. Ricardo tries a different tack, saying that he's seen Celia's campaign posters. She preens at being recognized, but it doesn't last, as he nags, "To be winner, you must be thinner!" Celia finally just tells Ricardo that she doesn't have time for this, and returns to her magazine.
But, of course, it doesn't last, and in the cut, Celia is on the grass to Isabelle, struggling to stand on one leg. She cusses Ricardo out under her breath, and then falls on her face...
...and moments later the rest of the campers are clustered around her. Celia tries to excuse her wussiness by saying that she had chemo, but two women behind her did too. She tries, as her excuses, radiation and low blood sugar, but both her classmates have had the former, and are diabetic to boot. "Oh, fuck you both," says Celia finally, and one of her kindred spirits gently tells Isabelle not to worry: "Your mom's going to be just fine." Isabelle: "Please. That bitch will outlive us all." Isabelle calls the class back to order, leaving Celia wussing out on the ground.
Plane. Nancy tries to sleep and drink, looking rough.
Yeshiva. Andy participates in a beginner Hebrew language lab. He glances up to see Yael watching him through the glass in the window and goofs around a little for her.
After class, Andy catches up with Yael in the hall, telling her he wants to ask her a few questions for a story he's doing for the school paper. "We don't have a school paper," she tells him. Andy agrees that it's more of a prototype, and proceeds to ask after her marital status. Yael says that she's been single since she lost her lover. He was her commanding officer in the Israeli army, until a Hamas suicide bomber blew him up in a pizza parlour. Since then, she's been concentrating on her studies. Andy agrees that grief can do strange things to you, and pimps out Judah's death for sympathy. Yael says that "Judah" is a beautiful name: "It means 'the praised one.'" Andy asks what the significance is behind her name, and, taking evident pleasure in the gory tale, she says that it's from Judges: the Biblical Yael invites the leader of the enemy army into her tent, gets him to pass out by giving him milk, and then, when he's asleep, hammers a tent stake through his tongue. She concludes shyly: "I guess my parents expected great things from me." Andy suggests that he take her out for dinner to thank her for admitting him to school -- no milk, just wine. Yael says that she doesn't date students. "Just commanding officers?" needles Andy. Yael sasses that she was following orders, and eventually agrees to a dinner date. Andy is so in over his head.
Nancy pulls into her driveway, takes a few seconds to pull herself together, and heads inside, where family dinner is going on without her. Shane and Silas shoot her dirty looks. "Rough day at the office, dear?" asks Andy sarcastically. Nancy vaguely says that she had some things she had to take care of. As she bustles around the kitchen, Shane asks what she does now that she no longer has the bakery to go to, and Nancy says that she's looking for a new small business to invest in. Silas gives her shit for blowing off family dinner, but Nancy ignores him, instead complaining about the ominous creaking sounds, and how fixing the plumbing is going to cost her a fortune. She sits down at the table in her "fear & loathing" t-shirt, washing down some aspirin with her beer, and asks how everyone's day was. They all say "okay," except Andy, who says the word in Hebrew. Silas asks "Nancy" how her day was, and she distractedly says that hers was okay too.
Night. Silas sits on a lawn across the street from Megan's and waits for her to come out. When she does, he hoarsely says, "I fucking miss you." She says she misses him too, but would like it if he were to stop being an asshole. Silas says that if they only have a few more months together, he wants to make them count, so that they both remember this era for the rest of their lives. How could they make this time memorable. Oh! Scrapbooking project?
Or, fucking like they just invented it. Yeah, that works too. Cut to a montage of attractive teenaged sex. Not complaining? Me. We see that they're being safe, as Silas opens a succession of condoms. There is also a succession of positions, and then the happy couple head for the enormous, apparently room-sized shower (though its prodigious size doesn't matter when the water comes on with another ominous moan). Oh, luxury multi-head shower: one day you will be mine!
Elsewhere in the house of love, a plumber is summarizing his work on a clipboard as he tells Nancy that someone's been flushing tube socks down the toilet. Nancy has no concept of how such a thing could occur, but the plumber matter-of-factly asks whether she has a pre-adolescent son and, learning that she does, theorizes that he's been flushing his "jerk socks." Worst Caribbean dish ever, by the way. Nancy doesn't know what that means, so a passing Lupita explains that Shane makes the "man salsa" in his socks and then flushes them. Nancy muses that they never had that problem with Silas, and Lupita informs her that Silas used t-shirts, and hid them in the bottom of the laundry. God, why would you jerk off in a shirt when you had a shower that big? The plumber tells Nancy, "You or your husband should talk to him," because otherwise the guy will just have to come back in a couple of days to snake the pipes again. Once he's gone, Nancy sighs, "Me or my husband." Lupita agrees that it would have been more convenient if Shane had discovered masturbation before Judah's untimely death. Heh. Nancy gets a text from Peter: "what have we done?" She chuckles to herself.
Oh, man. So Nancy tries to be a grownup and have a calm, reasonable, sensible discussion with Shane about whacking it. She explains about the plumbing and the socks, leaving an opening (as it were) for him to confess. Shane suggests that Lupita might have flushed socks because she's too lazy to wash them, but then Nancy looks down at Shane's naked ankle and he's busted. Nancy tries to be circumspect, asking whether Shane's noticed any changes lately in his body. Shane doesn't get her meaning at all, so Nancy's finally forced to come right out (as it were) and say she's talking about changes with his penis. Shane, alarmed, asks what's wrong with his penis, and Nancy says that nothing is: "It's perfectly natural." Shane asks what's natural. Nancy: "Stuff that comes out when you rub it." Shane says he has to go to school. Nancy happily dismisses him. Ouch.
In the kitchen, Nancy finds Andy at the fridge. Nancy: "Talk to Shane about jerking off." Andy: "I'm all over it." HA!
As sensuous Middle Eastern music plays, Nancy and Conrad get a walkthrough of a potential grow house Doug has found. Conrad explains that because it's in a gated community, there won't be cops randomly driving by. The exterior's nondescript, and they have good access to power lines. Nancy asks if they trust the landlord, and Doug says that he's far away; Mr. Ivakian is a client of Doug's who retired to Arizona. As long as they pay their rent on time and swear they're not Turkish, they're fine. Nancy doesn't get it, so Doug explains that Mr. Ivakian is Armenian, and Armenians hate Turks -- "some Armenian genocide thing or something" -- and advises never to order Turkish coffee in an Armenian restaurant. Nancy sarcastically says that she'll keep that in mind for all the "fine Armenian dining" she does, but Doug tells her not to knock it, particularly recommending the fattoush salad (word -- and Glark just made it for dinner last night! So refreshing on a hot summer evening). Conrad tells Doug he's been eating some "weird shit," and Doug says, "That's right -- I heard you guys aren't adventurous eaters." Conrad disputes this notion: "Real men eat the sushi." Nancy tries to excuse herself from the conversation while Doug and Conrad giggle. When Nancy's gone, Conrad says that he won't eat anything called "fat tush." Doug says he thinks Conrad's probably had fat tush, but Conrad calls this another stereotype. Nancy shuts them up, ordering Doug to call Mr. Ivakian and say they'll take the place. While Doug dials, Nancy tells Conrad she feels good about everything and isn't scared. Conrad warns her about the evil eye, but Nancy's undeterred: "Good good good good good." Argh, now she's making ME nervous! Doug hangs up; the place is theirs. Conrad tells Nancy and Doug that this is the time they need to be careful, since grow houses run into trouble as a result of crazy ex-girlfriends out for revenge and the like -- you know, "fucked-up personal shit." This seems to strike a chord with Nancy, but she keeps quiet. Conrad orders them not to tell anyone about the house.
Dean enters and asks what's going on; Doug distractedly says that "Conrad was just saying something." Suddenly, Dean connects the dots: "Conrad." As Nancy and Conrad stare apprehensively, Doug gives Dean the filing papers for his city council campaign. Dean hasn't taken his eyes off Conrad, though, and announces, "You're the Conrad who fucked my wife." "Terrific," says Nancy, closing her eyes. Doug tries to melt away. Conrad says he doesn't know what to say, and gets up. Nancy tries to stop him, but Conrad says that "fair's fair," and stands in front of Dean, crossing his wrists behind his back: "You get one free shot." Dean pulls back his fist, and Conrad flinches a little in preparation. But Dean says he needs time to plan. Conrad refuses: "You hit me now, or the offer's off the table." Dean says that he's never hit a guy before. Conrad says that Dean is "taking pussy to a whole new level." Dean doesn't even seem all that mad as he says, "You did bang my wife." Conrad agrees, but stipulates, "No sucker-punches to the stomach! That's how Houdini died, and I ain't going out like that." Huh. I really think I'd be more concerned about my face.
Okay, this scene is so awesome that it needs to be transcribed in full, as Andy meets with Shane.
All right, listen closely. I'm not gonna beat around the bush. [riotous laughter at his own joke] Your little body's changing. It's all good, believe me. Problem now is, every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So. First order of business: no more socks. They're expensive, gummin' up the works, plumbing-wise. You might be thinking to yourself, "But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock? Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin' the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's start with the basics. Tissues -- perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian. Can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid. Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricated splat-catchers. Specifically -- bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching. [visual aid with hand] Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also: olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline all can be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube? Is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. All right. Moving on. When you tug your thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised sceptre of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practise makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right. Class dismissed.
Shane smiles faintly as he toddles off, but Andy stops him and tosses him a banana: "Homework." Heh. Shane grins and takes off. Left alone, Andy shakes his head wistfully.
Heylia's. As Vaneeta and Heylia natter back and forth about whether anti-bacterial soap is good for the baby (consensus: bad, though when Nancy tries to take Heylia's side, they both tell her to stay out of it). Then Heylia looks up at the closed-circuit monitor and sees an older gentleman in a bowtie coming up the walk. She twitters excitedly and hurries to hide all the weed and cash, telling Nancy, "Time to melt, Snowflake," and bum-rushing her to the back door. But it's to no avail, as she opens the door to find her caller standing there instead of in the front. Heylia identifies him as Joseph, cooing and fluttering about. Nancy introduces herself, but Joseph is like, "Okay?" He tells Heylia he brought her some bean pies. Nancy pipes up to say that she's never had one. "Lucky you," mutters Vaneeta. Heylia pays Joseph for the baked goods, and when Nancy breaks in to say that she'd like to try one, Joseph curtly tells her he's out. He heads home, Heylia coyly going with him "to take [her] exercise," and once they're gone, Nancy asks what the deal is. Vaneeta calls it "the mountain coming to Mohammed." Nancy complains that Joseph ignored her (NANCY?! The nerve!), and Vaneeta exposits that she's the White Devil, and he's Nation of Islam, so friendship between them is not in the cards. Nancy goes to leave, and Vaneeta asks her to take a bean pie with her. Nancy asks what's in them. "Ground-up white babies and nutmeg?" guesses Vaneeta. Fortunately, that's Nancy's favorite.
Silas's room. He contemplates a condom for a long moment, and then deliberately pierces it with the pointy end of a safety pin. Megan scampers back in. Let's hope she has some kind of hormonal shield on her end. Heh heh. End.
Nancy's at night. Our girl is enjoying a glass of wine when Celia staggers in, explaining that she "pulled a muscle in [her] cooze at Boot Camp." Heh. Also, ouch. Nancy asks what's up, and Celia says she's there to pull Nancy out of her depression -- you know, bakery burned down, nothing to do all day, parasitic brother-in-law, yada. Nancy cannily intuits that Celia didn't just hobble over with "an achy vagina" to ask after Nancy's well-being, and Celia gets to it, finally, begging Nancy to work on her city council campaign. Celia's underlings are morons, and she just wants Nancy to keep her company; she doesn't even care whom Nancy votes for. Nancy reluctantly accepts. Shane comes in, grabs a banana, and books. Celia asks how Nancy gets her kids to eat fruit, and Nancy says that Shane's been on a banana kick lately. Or in one. Celia grabs Nancy's glass and says she's going home to "ice [her] beaver," and tossing back a final "See you Tuesday!" Hee.
When Celia's gone, Nancy gets a phone call; it's Peter, saying he was just thinking about where they were twenty-four hours ago. There's a wispy white blur, and then we're flashing back to Nancy, blearily sitting on a plane, though in a different outfit than the one we saw her wearing in the earlier plane shot. As earlier (or later, technically), Nancy's using her bag as a pillow and drinking a cocktail. A little turbulence causes Nancy to spill her drink all over her chest, and Peter, sitting to her, dabs at her chest with a napkin, saying that they'll get her something to wear when they land.
And then they've landed, Nancy's in her "fear & loathing" shirt, and she and Peter are slowly walking toward the camera. She clarifies that they don't have to tell anyone about what they're doing, and that it's strictly business. "And this means they can't make you testify against me?" Nancy clarifies. Peter confirms that. Nancy says that she'll get to keep "the certificate," and Peter agrees that she can do whatever she wants with it. He asks if there's anything else, and Nancy snickers that she has to be home for family dinner. And then we see that they're being married by an Elvis impersonator. Because why would you pass up an opportunity for camp on Weeds? "Now do you trust me?" asks Peter. Nancy: "When you did this with the Santiago brothers, did they wear white?" Only Jorge. That Pedro is a whore.