So Jesse's talking to Dawnie and Sam on the phone. "You are not going to believe this," she says, and off we go to the Land Of Voice-Over Flashback. "We meet for morning coffee," says Jesse, while Flashback-Cam shows Jesse and some guy meeting for coffee, "and I am looking HOT in my new eggshell Donna Karan sweater." Flashback-Cam shows her looking not all that HOT, maybe because the effect of the sweater is overshadowed by yet another cantilevered up-do, which I shall call "Fantasia With Descending Eels." Anyway, Jesse describes the guy she's with: "Coffee Boy is dressed entirely in black, as usual every bit the handsome brooding romantic genius," which, as we see, pretty much translates into "guy with blank expression." We learn that Jesse has met this guy six times for coffee and he hasn't made a move -- she insists that "he's shy." The way the Flashback-Cam circles around and around the table, you'd think it was strapped to a buzzard with a taste for only the most pretentious carrion. We see Jesse is peeking demurely at Coffee Boy through the many dozen "face-framing tendrils" that have sprung forth from her 'do. Her voice-over continues, "Today, he finally made a move of some kind," and we see that he reaches across the table to caress her face, though she says she's not sure he wasn't brushing off some muffin crumbs, and I'm not sure he wasn't saving her from swallowing a big hank of her own hair. Anyway. Jesse keeps saying to Sam and Dawnie that she's sick of making the first move: "From now on I will be demure and soft and coy and subtle," and from Flashback-Cam we see that this entails her reaching over and caressing Coffee Boy's thigh, and I guess she means "subtle" as in using one finger to stroke his thigh instead of her WHOLE HAND. Coffee Boy is so startled that he dumps his coffee all over Jesse's DKNY-clad chest. Ouch! That's gotta hurt, Donna.
Flashback over. Back in the present, Jesse is screaming on her cell phone in the bathroom stall, with the big coffee stain still on her front. She should be calling her dry cleaner, but she's still talking to Dawnie and Sam. "I have NO idea how to be SUBTLE!" she wails. Yeah, Jesse, well, it helps to start with not screaming. ["And to think these words were put into her mouth by Kevin Williamson . . . " -- Sars] She goes into this long rant about how she is going crazy, is addicted to double cappuccinos, has second-degree breast burns, "and still I have no idea how [Coffee Boy] feels!" Well, sensitive in the thigh area, obviously. "What the hell do I do?" she asks her friends. "Switch to decaf," says Dawnie. "Yeah, definitely decaf," says Sam. They snicker and hang up. Jesse emits furious, strangled screeches of rage. And my mouth is open, but no sound, no sound comes out at all.
Jesse's at work, doin' some promotin'. She meets with a client, an older guy, who tells her, "The way I see it, yours is an entire generation that's lost its way." It hasn't lost its way nearly as profoundly as Jesse's topknot, but whatever. Client Guy goes on to say that "whenever a generation loses its way, there's money to be made helping them find it again." Ha, ha! I get it! Can I see some more commercials? Client Guy says he believes that with Jesse's help, "High Hopes Courting Encounters can be the answer." Jesse says that "dating services are currently about as hip as fluorescent pink rhinestone-encrusted 1980s-style ripped Flashdance sweatshirts." As opposed to, say, eggshell Donna Karan sweaters with big old coffee stains on them. Nevertheless, Client Guy is all into the concept for his High Hopes company, saying the service can teach people how to date again. "You are the demographic that we are after," he says to Jesse. "Disconnected. Lonely. Neurotic. Unattached. Approaching thirty. Feeling hopeless." Jesse's like, "Shut up." Client Guy says that they can make High Hopes hip again, with some hype.
DA's office. Time again for another minute and a half of gritty, hard-hitting legal drama from Vince 'n' Sam. I mean, did someone in a focus group say, "You know, I really like Law and Order, except it's too long, and there's always, like, a plot"? Vince gets on Sam's case about a quote she gave to a reporter investigating alleged misuse of funds, although Sam says she gave the party line about all expenditures being on the record, and -- oh God, I'm not going to go into this. Sam's just in big trouble, okay? And Vince dumps some big honking boxes of receipts on her desk and she has to work late going through them. And if this isn't enough for you, then I suggest you make little Sam and Vince finger puppets and hold them up in front of the TV during a rerun of Murder One.
we see Ty, temping as a switchboard operator for "Donald, Meier, Franklin and Brown." A woman in a short-skirted Ally McSkank business suit walks up and bends waaay over Ty to put a folder on the desk. "Hey, Mrs. Frinkle," says Ty. "'Ms.,'" she corrects him, "and today's your last day temping, Ty, so call me Felicia." Felicia Frinkle. Okay, is this a porno? Like, where else are you going to have a lecherous female lawyer character named Felicia freaking Frinkle sitting on a desk? But I guess it's a real office, and Ty is really just temping, because Felicia Frinkle sort of awkwardly asks him out to dinner, since it's his last day "and it's not, technically, sexual harassment." Ty says, "I'd love to," and yep, it's a real office, because otherwise the sleazy "waukachicka-waukachicka-waukachicka" music would have begun playing by now.
In a restaurant somewhere, the waiter spills iced tea on Russell and apologizes. "You seem a little nervous," says Russell. The waiter, whose name is Justin, says he has an audition -- he's an actor, though he's just starting out. "I'm sure it's only a matter of time," says Russell. "You've got the looks." "Thanks," says Justin, "that means a lot, coming from you." He confesses that he's a fan of Russell's soap acting and tells him, "You're not a bad-looking guy yourself." Russell looks at Justin and tries to figure out what that means, but unfortunately for Russell, his operating system runs only Microsoft Gaydar 2.0, which means there's not much that he's able to detect. At best, he can figure out that "sometimes, waiters are gay."
Whatever moment they have is interrupted when Corey Hart comes in and plunks himself down at Russell's table. Oh, wait, it's Ty. Nice sunglasses, Ty. Justin says to Russell, "Let me know when you're ready," which Might Be Meaningful, and gives him a look that Might Be Meaningful, and walks off. Russell acts completely amazed. "That guy was totally flirting with me," he says. ABC executives hold up a huge banner that reads, "GOT THAT? FLIRTING! JUST LIKE REAL GAY PEOPLE!" "Why don't you ask him out?" asks Ty. "Not possible," says Russell. "What, gay guys don't date?" says Ty. ABC executives hold up another banner: "HA, HA! WE KNEW YOU'D ASK THAT QUESTION! WELL, UM, IN FACT . . . "No, I don't date," Russell says. "Do you know how much I'd like to go out on a real date with a normal man?" But he says that he's scared of being outed, his career being ruined, fear of commitment, blah blah. Ty is like, "That's stupid." Justin comes back and asks if they're ready to order. "I think Russell's pretty sure what he'd like," says Ty. Heh. Russell kicks him under the table, fudges a bit, and asks Justin for some crushed red pepper. "Do you want some actual food first?" asks Justin. Russell is chagrined. Justin better hurry up with that pepper, because this is going to be one bland storyline.
Sam in the DA's office, working her little butt off. If this were Dukes of Hazzard, then right now Waylon Jennings as the Balladeer would get to say, "Looks like ol' Sam got herself knee-high in a pig-swamp o' trouble."
At Callbacks (slogan: "Where Everybody Knows Your Name: 'Loser'") Vandy walks in to begin work, wearing black flares, black jacket, and sideburns a-go-go. He's trying out his new "Vandy Of The Verve" look. He notices a girl sitting at the bar reading a crumpled-up piece of paper and asks her, "What are you doing?" The girl is pretty snotty: "Is that a trick question? I'm reading sheet music." He snatches it away from her, saying, "That's private!" It must be his bittersweet symphony! "Well then!" the girl snaps. "I found it in the trash, so that makes it public." Vandy says, "We don't let customers rifle through the trash," and it looks like Snot Girl got her jacket that way too. "It's a good thing I work here," she says. Vandy looks confused, and the woman introduces herself: "I'm Jewels, the new singer-slash-waitress." "They hired a singer?" says Vandy, amazed. "Slash, waitress" says Jewels. I know, I know -- the official credits have this character's name spelled as "Jules," but the captioning spelled it "Jewels." And if the folks who type the captions feel that she represents a certain name brand of folksy, guitar-playing, airbrushed-fresh-faced, childlike, pseudo-urchin hippydippiness in the plural form, then I'm inclined to agree. So Jewels figures out that the song was Vandy's and that it got rejected by a record company. "They say here that it's flat and uninspired," she says, reading their comments. "It's not that bad. It's just . . . well, it's happy." Vandy gives her the old stink-eye while she continues, "It's that Partridge Family fluffy love-song stuff -- it's lame. And it's weak." And you used to be on Kate and Allie, Jewels, so shut up.
Dawnie answers the Virgin Vault door and lets in Jesse, who's all worked up about something. "Tell me everything you know about dating," she asks Dawnie. "Personally speaking or anthropologically speaking?" says Dawnie, marking the first time in history she has actually made that distinction. "Because personally speaking, I don't know anything," she says, and anthropologically speaking, "there's actually a subsection of my thesis on dating in the millennium!" Let me guess -- it's called Ty Sucks. While she folds some laundry, Dawnie proceeds to rattle off a history of dating, starting in the 1950s with the malt shop; then came the sexual revolution, feminism, and post-feminism, and for once Dawnie actually sounds like she sort of knows what she's talking about, although she gestures emphatically with a bra from the laundry pile in case anyone gets too bored or takes her too seriously. She says the rules and definitions of dating were thrown out the window, what's left are "entanglements," usually vague and mysterious -- like Jesse and Coffee Boy. Dawnie's conclusion: "We're all completely confused." "That's why I've signed you up for High Hopes," says Jesse, lurching scarily towards Dawnie and holding up an application form. "By Friday, a computer will have found you your perfect match." "Ew!" Dawnie says. "I do not need a service to set me up with a date!" She wrinkles her nose and it's then that I realize that she looks like a young Sally Struthers. "Ew," indeed! Jesse begs her to do High Hopes "for research" for her client. Dawnie still says no, but then the phone rings for Ty (who is living there now, by the way). Ty takes the call, and it's Felicia Frinkle. EW! "Yeah, I'm really looking forward to Friday," says Ty. Dawnie pouts and furiously begins filling out the application form.
Back at the headquarters of Sell My Soul Promotions, Jesse meets with her client and they look over some High Hopes applications. She reads one out loud: "I want someone hot! I want someone who looks like Rebecca Romijn." This is actually kind of a pointless scene, but I just thought it was funny that one of the few words that Closed Captioning managed to spell right, for God's sake, was the name "Rebecca Romijn." ["Well, it's actually 'Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, but we'll give it to them. Heh." -- Sars] Client Guy wheedles Jesse into signing up for a High Hopes courting encounter for herself. I do have to say that "courting encounter" sounds kind of intriguing, like it's something that Amish swingers do.
Callbacks, before it opens for the night. Vandy at the piandy. He plays his song and sings, "When the full moon rises, I'm lost, I cannot see." Okay, Vandy, if you want to know what's wrong with this song, let's start with the fact that the full moon is kind of one of those times when you CAN see. Jewels walks in and breaks his concentration. "This crazy man on the subway spit [sic] on me!" she bitches. Well, try not dressing like Patches The Alterna-Clown, Jewels. People, she is wearing a chamois vest, over a shrug, over a camisole, on top of a suede patchwork skirt. She sees Vandy working on the song. "Need any help yet?" she asks Vandy. "No," he says. She says the song "needs pain and misery and I can help you with that." What, you're going to lend the song one of your outfits? Vandy insists the song is fine. "And yet somehow it just keeps coming out like Partridge," she says. Okay, Jewels? You're the one who keeps skipping around in those fussy perk-adelic ensembles, not Vandy. Everyone knows you'd be the one who'd climb aboard that painted bus in about two seconds. Finally, Vandy gets annoyed enough to get up from the piano and go to work. Jewels goes right over to the piano bench and starts laying her scuzzy hands all over the sheet music.
Ty and Russell are back at Café Le Closet. "Would you just ask the waiter out already?" Ty complains. Russell says, "It's complicated." ABC execs hold up a banner that says, "YEAH, REALLY, IT'S COMPLICATED!" Justin The Waiter comes up. "How was your audition?" asks Russell. "I got a callback!" says Justin the Waiter. "You might just be looking at Tomato Number Two on a national Ragu spot." Russell congratulates him. "I think you were my lucky charm," says Justin, who gives him A Look, Maybe. Ty is like, "So, Russell -- want to ask Justin for some more crushed red pepper?" Russell kicks Ty again, as if crushed red pepper was The Condiment That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Russell then turns to Justin and begins awkwardly extending a dinner invitation. "One actor to another -- I mean, it'll be a group thing. Ty will be there with -- Ty's friend." Ty shoots him a "what the -- ?" look.
Jesse and Dawnie are on the phone, and Dawnie's all worried that she wasn't specific enough about her High Hopes date, and Jesse says that for her own date she asked for a handsome professional workaholic with impeccable taste, a sense of humor, and "he can't own any thong underwear." That last one makes sense, because it appears she's got the thong of the last guy she dated still tangled up in her hair. Sam calls up and she gets conferenced in. You know, there hasn't been this much split-screen in a TV show since the opening sequence of The Brady Bunch. We learn that Jesse wants to make Coffee Boy, well, Jealous Coffee Boy. And Sam bitches about Vince. And Jesse thinks Sam has a crush on Vince. And so does Dawnie. And Sam is like, "I do NOT have a crush, I do not, I do not!" Then Sam gets off the phone and Vince walks by. "Working hard, Price?" he says, having pretty obviously overheard her. Twangety-twang twang!
Jesse walks into the coffee shop to meet Coffee Boy. She really lights up the room, mainly because she's displaying so very much pale cleavage that it creates a reflective surface. She sits herself and her Glo-Rack down at Coffee Boy's table, though he barely looks up from his paper. "In case you're wondering where I'm going all dressed up, the answer is -- out," says Jesse, while Coffee Boy continues to not care. But she persists: "It's Friday night, and I have plans! So I can't stay too long. Do I look all right?" and then she must have reflected enough solar bodice beams to distract him from his reading because suddenly he looks up at her all dazed. "You look gorgeous, actually," he says, and she does look pretty nice, with her hair down. DOWN. "Thank you," she says. "So -- how's the novel going?" Oh my God, Coffee Boy is writing a novel? What's it called, Bright Lights, Big Latté? Coffee Boy starts to tell her about how his publisher wants the first six chapters week, but clearly he's mesmerized, and Jesse reaches over and brushes some biscotti crumbs off Coffee Boy's face. Perhaps he hopes she'll stick around so that he can read the paper by the light of her breasts.
It's time for "Jewels: Unplugged" at Callbacks. She introduces her song: "It's by a talented songwriter, and it's filled with misery and pain, which is perfect for me," though Jewels looks like she's experienced about as much misery and pain as a Furby. She strums her guitar and sings the "Full Moon Rising" song, and I'd figured she would've upped the Pain And Misery Factor by adding lyrics like, "when the full moon rises, I'm lost, I cannot see / I put on my pleather boots and dress like a refugee." But she sings the song as originally written, and Vandy is impressed. Even though, as my friend Chels pointed out, she's playing air acoustic guitar, and the real guitar kind of gets in the way.
Ty enters the bathroom where Dawnie is finishing getting ready for her date. You'd think for something like this she'd be wearing a nice little dress from the Gap or something, but she's got a full-length strappy black formal thing on. "You look incredible," says Ty, trying to stay cool. "Thank you," says Dawnie, a bit snottily, "and you look --" she looks him up and down. He's wearing Russell's clothes, a dark V-neck sweater with one wide stripe and matchy-matchy trousers, and he looks good, but frankly he also looks like Captain Fabulous of the Rainbow Enterprise. Dawnie does us all a favor and goes off on the way he's putting mousse in his hair, but then Russell comes in and mousses, too. He and Ty start reminiscing about the last time they double-dated and took their dates to Hooters. Dawnie's like, "Hello? Ex-girlfriend in the room!" like she'd really want to go to Hooters, too. "Come on," says Ty, "that was long before I met you." Dawnie calls Ty "Mousse Man" (heh!), and Ty's like, "Well, at least I'm not totally overdressed for my date" (HEH!), and then Dawnie says, "Seeing as how WE never went on a date, how would you know?" "We did so go on dates!" says Ty. "A fraternity kegger is not a date!" says Dawnie. ["Oh, now you tell me!" says Sars.]
Dawnie stomps off into the living room, where we can see more of her dress. It's backless, so clearly she's not wearing much under it, and she turns to the side and -- yikes! Dawnie! We said you should wear a dress FROM the Gap. From! Not WITH a gap! Under each arm! Jeez! Russell comes in and asks her what's wrong. She's flashing us some major side ventilation, that's what's wrong! But really, Dawnie's nervous that her date will be "some kind of Star Trek geek who lives with his parents and raises ferrets." She sits on the couch and pouts. I see her point, because that dress is so not ferret-proof. Russell calms her down until the doorbell rings. Meanwhile Ty comes out from the bathroom and he sits down and tries to look casual reading a newspaper. Dawnie walks to the door with dread, opens it, and it's -- ANTONIO! Well, his character is named "Jack," but yes, it's Antonio Sabato, Jr. Who somehow needs a dating service. Like the underwear ads somehow weren't a good way to meet people. Antonio hands Dawnie a bouquet the size of a sheaf of rye, and Dawnie whispers "thank God!" and hands the bouquet to Russell and waves goodbye to Ty and flashes an actually-really-hilarious oh-my-God look on her way out the door. "Wow," says Russell, after they've left. He looks over at Ty, who really is now Mousse Man.
Jesse gets out of a cab to meet her date, "Ken." He says he's wearing a thong. Everyone knows from experience that there'll be yet another Love Interest Smackdown from Jesse "The Bodice" Pressler before the end of the episode, so let's not even bother with this, okay?
Meanwhile, Russell and Ty walk into a restaurant where Justin and Felicia Frinkle are already seated. Felicia tries to kiss Ty in a little greeting but he backs off -- probably due to the fact that she now looks like the lead in an all-drag Mariah Carey revue -- and kisses her hand instead.
Meanwhile, the DA's office is dark, but Sam is still there trying to organize receipts by size and color or whatever. Vince is leaving for the night, but at the last minute he softens up and stays and orders Chinese food. Aw.
Meanwhile, Antonio opens the door for Dawnie at Chez Fancy-Ass.
Meanwhile, Wendola thinks about taking up smoking again.
Ty brags about Russell to Justin: "Russell here has been nominated for Soap Opera Digest Award." Then Russell brags about Ty to Felicia: "Ty is a -- uh -- he's, uh --" Hot, okay? Will everyone just come out and say why he's here? Instead, Russell just says Ty "was a soccer player in college." Whatever. Hot.
Meanwhile, Dawnie and Antonio raise their champagne glasses for a toast. I suppose it's "long live boxer briefs!" Clink.
Sam reaches in the bag of Chinese takeout. "They forgot the sodas," she said, "but they gave us beer instead." What? Excuse me, but I ordered that beer! To help me through this episode. She and Vince decide to drink it. No fair.
At Callbacks, Jewels and Vandy throw their heads back and laugh The Laugh Of Developing Mutual Attraction.
Also in the bag of Chinese takeout are fortune cookies. Vince's fortune says, "Romance awaits." Sam's fortune says, "Romance awaits." Wendola's fortune says, "You will get the point already."
Antonio takes Dawnie for a carriage ride in the park. "Oh, how sweet," says Dawnie. "Mmm-hmm," says Antonio, as he tucks a shawl around her, though oddly the captions translate that to "this will keep you warm."
"I think dating's about sex," says Felicia Frinkle, who lasciviously shoves an entire prawn in her mouth and leers at Ty. At this point, I just black out for a while.
When I come to, Felicia Frinkle is hanging all over Justin, calling him a "young Robert Redford," though he's clearly a "scrawny James Spader."
More Vince and Sam. They look in The Big Bottomless Bag Of Magical Chinese Takeout and find Broadway tickets, a key to a bed-and-breakfast, and a little bitty violin player in a tuxedo . . .
Justin tells Felicia Frinkle, "I'm a method actor." Felicia tells him he has beautiful eyes. Justin tells Felicia she has beautiful eyes. Waukachicka-waukachicka-waukachicka. Well, practically.
Meanwhile, Jesse and Ken's date goes badly. Big, big whatever.
Meanwhile, Russell asks to speak to Justin the Waiter in private.
Meanwhile Dawnie dances with Antonio, Antonio, Antonio!
Russell and Justin bitch at each other. Ty and Felicia bitch at each other. "You're gay? Hutch on Hampton Shores is gay?" says Justin.
Jesse and Ken sulk.
Everybody sulks. Everybody bitches. Everybody's date crashes and burns in a big huge fireball that falls off a precipice and bounces down a cliff and bursts into an even bigger fireball. Except, I guess for Vandy and Jewels, who weren't officially on a date, and Sam and Vince, who weren't either. And Dawnie and Antonio, because it's you know, Antonio.
At Lonelyhearts Loft, Jesse is packing up her files for the High Hopes account and getting ready to throw them out when there's a knock on the door. It's Coffee Boy. "So I see you got my message," says Jesse. The message must have been "please come over dressed like a Cold War spy," because Coffee Boy is wearing a black turtleneck and black trenchcoat, and he has this look like "nobody knows I have the plutonium under my coat." "Okay, I'm just going to come right out and say it," says Jesse, "because I'm sick of playing games, and I'm sick of waiting around for you to do something, and I'm sick of café latté, and I'm sick of acting demure and coy and subtle, and I guess I need to know what's going on with us? And why do we keep going to coffee? And am I insane?" "Wow, would you -- shut up?" says Coffee Boy. Wow, I psychically telegraphed a message to a Wasteland character! But then he says, "I'm here, aren't I? Does that answer your question?" Uh, Coffee Boy? She asked if she was insane. At any rate, they start kissing and get on Jesse's couch. Coffee Boy keeps his coat on. Watch out for that plutonium.
Sam and Vince finish their work. Vince apologizes for talking so much about his divorce (that must have been sometime during my blackout). "It's hard being alone," he says, and breaks down a little, which means either that Vince is showing his soft mushy side, or else that he's giving the universal signal for "please sleep with me as soon as possible." Sam decides to walk home by herself.
After Callbacks closes, Vandy thanks Jewels for making his song sound good (not like she even gave him any credit while she sang the damn thing). Vandy starts playing the piano, and Jewels starts singing, and Vandy joins in, and for God's sake they're suddenly the Captain and Tennille. They don't see Sam walk in (hello? the bar's closed!), but she knows what a duet means, and if she sticks around in the dark corner long enough she's going to have to sing "On My Own," so she gets the hell out.
Dawnie comes home from her date. Ty's on the living room couch. They ask about each other's dates, and finally Ty says he had a terrible time. Dawnie says she had a perfect date, but she has no desire to see Antonio ever again. "Why?" asks Ty. Dawnie says he did all the right things, "but the whole time I was with him, I didn't know who he was." Well, if you didn't spend so much time doing schmaltzy prom-night activities, then maybe he could have taken a moment, say, on the dance floor, to open up about his parents' divorce, and his theories on reincarnation, and his most traumatic childhood memory, and moreover I believe there were plenty of times when you could have GONE THROUGH HIS POCKETS. Anyway. "Do you really think we didn't go on a date in college?" asks Ty. "I don't know," says Dawnie, "I guess it all depends on how you look at it." Ty brings up the fact that the only thing that Russell could think of to say about Ty was that he was a soccer player in college. "I've been sitting here trying to think of one worthwhile thing I've done in my life," he says. Well, Ty, you haven't been in any disfiguring accidents, and you've found plenty of pants that enhance your butt, and you haven't been in any disfiguring accidents, and that's good enough for most of us. But Ty tells Dawnie that the only thing he could come up with as a worthwhile achievement was that he went out with Dawnie. Ty smiles bravely, Dawnie takes it as a compliment, and everyone else wonders how Ty, alas, can live with that fact.