Scenes from Last Week's Episode: Dawnie slaps Ty. Jesse dumps some guy. Sam twangs away. Russell announces he's gay. Dawnie slaps Ty again.
In The Apartment Formerly Known As Another Apartment Altogether, Dawnie answers the phone. It's Ty Swindell calling from a pay phone. Since last week, he seems to have gotten himself some Frost 'n' Tip highlights. "How brave of you to call," Dawnie hisses. "Still mad, huh?" Ty asks. "'Mad' doesn't have enough syllables," says Dawnie, though of course she could get Sam to drawl it out to two or three more vowel sounds. Ty and Dawnie have a tense little conversation in which Ty tries to apologize "for everything," except his new Mr. Clairol look. Dawnie tells him she doesn't think they should be talking right now, and Ty is like, "Whatever." "So why did you call?" asks Dawnie, thinking that Ty was calling just for her on her Very Own Personal Snotline. Au contraire, Ty is calling for Russ. Dawnie realizes for a second that not everything is about her, but it quickly passes, and she deliberately drops the phone on the desk and screams "RUSS!" Then she picks it up again and says, sarcastically, "Dropped the phone!" Which isn't, like, a fragile piece of equipment or anything. That Russell probably PAID FOR or anything. "Look, if me calling was a bad idea, just let me know," says Ty. "No, not at all!" says Dawnie, who repeatedly bangs the receiver against the desk like it was an old shoe and screams for Russ some more while Ty winces.
Opening credits. Then a commercial for Luvs, as if we need any more self-absorbency in this time slot.
Dawnie's at the bar called "Callbacks" (slogan: "Where The Decor Is Fancy But The Bartender's Vandy"). She tells Vandy she's researching people's pockets and purses for her anthropology thesis project. Oh, come on, Dawnie; not even the stupidest tourist would fall for that line, so you'll just have to find some other way to rob them on the subway. But no, it turns out she is completely serious about this pocket thing being "research." She says, "In keeping with my second coming-of-age theory, I believe that people's possessions can reveal their identities." Wow. Maybe it's due to a certain pocket and purse phenomenon known as -- what's the scientific term for it? Oh, yeah -- the DRIVER'S LICENSE?
Vandy doesn't want to empty his pockets. "Come on!" begs Dawnie. "I have to meet with my professor in two days to make sure I'm on the right track!" I'm not sure if the track even matters, sweetie, because you're The Little Engine That Just Shouldn't. But Vandy hauls out his wallet, which contains a Lotto ticket, a picture of Sam, and an old Bazooka comic that he says he kept for the fortune. "Why is it that dreamers always have such a hold on the past?" asks Dawnie, like it's really important or something. Vandy gets annoyed and asks if she goes through Russell's wallet, too. "I'm not speaking to Russell," she says, and goes on to say that she's written him off as a traitor because he's friends with Ty. Vandy says Ty's his friend too, and Dawnie bitches, "Don't you play the guy card. It's sickening and adolescent. He needs to be accountable for his actions!" She goes on, "There will be no sympathy for Tyler Swindell. I get the sympathy here! Just when did he become the victim?" Yeah, was it after Slap Number One or Slap Number Two? Vandy changes the subject and asks about what his pocket stuff reveals about himself. "That you've always resisted a structured life," says Dawnie, "and that you're a carefree artsy type whose future is trapped by his past." Oh, that's good to know, because we hadn't been able to tell from his scuzzy dark clothes, or his guitar playing, or his scenes with Sam, or his leather 'n' bead necklace, or his character description on the ABC site, or his hair, that he was a "carefree artsy type." Thanks for pulling that out of your butt for us, Dawnie. Then she adds, "Oh, and you're a disloyal swine to friends who have stuck by you through thick and thin." Yeah, yeah. Be sure to write that down in your big fat research notebook that you totally don't even carry around.
Cut to the D-Yay's Office. Vince asks Sam if she's spoken with someone named Rigby yet about some kind of important DA business. "Yes, I did," says Sam. "But that whole office is slower'n molasses." She says someone at this other office was uncooperative and "got snippy with me." Vince says he probably didn't take her seriously -- "with that accent, who would?" "What does my accent have to do with anything?" she asks, like a big dope. Vince says it makes a big difference: "You work for the District Attorney of New York City. Not Alabama." "North Carolina," Sam corrects him, though "Hazzard County" is way closer to the truth, since her accent comes straight from the Boss Hogg Memorial Archive Of TV Stereotypes. Vince complains about her "isms" -- "snippy," "molasses," et cetera -- and gets especially worked up at how she says "tinkle" when she has to go to the bathroom. "What would you prefer I say?" says Sam, snippily. "That you have to pee!" Vince yells. Okay, is it the policy of the District Attorney of New York City to give that much information? Just wondering. Vince pretty much orders Sam to "lose the accent and everything that comes with it." Sam slinks out of the office. Then a banjo twangs, just like on Dukes of Hazzard.
Jesse's office. She's meeting with a talent agent to discuss his client. "I think she's doing too many covers," she says. "I mean, she's on the verge of overexposure." Who's the client, Rebecca Gayheart? Jesse says she can help "strategize." Which, if she were speaking normal English and if the client WERE Rebecca Gayheart, would mean "make the little hussy wear a shirt once in a while." But I digress. This guy seems to be confused about the nature of his job, because in his generic black suit, he's dressed more like a federal agent. His name is Ben. He flirts with Jesse and somehow he blurts out, "Are you Jewish?" He says that he is, and that he's traditionally attracted to Jewish women. He blathers on about Jesse being "strong and articulate" until she asks him to dinner. "I was right, you are Jewish" he says. She asks if it's "a requirement." "Only with my mother," he says. Jesse thinks about this for a moment and says that of course she's Jewish! We can see where this is going, right? Agent Ben and Jesse make plans for dinner that night, until he remembers that Yom Kippur is starting and that he'll be fasting. Jesse gets all flustered and can't quite pronounce "Yom Kippur." Agent Ben proposes that they fast together. Oy!
Ty is at work and answers the phone on his way out to the pool. It's Russ, who says, playfully, "Is this Ty Swindell, scuba instructor extraordinaire?" Ty laughs, and . . . okay, people! There will be no snickering about "it's fun to stay at the YMCA," do you hear me? Don't make me say it again! So Russell and Ty are on the phone and Vandy's on, too, meaning they're having a three-way (yeah, okay, but we are NOT going there) conversation. Anyway, they agree to meet up, but then Ty says he'll pass. "Come on man, it's Game Night!" says Russell, referring to what seems to be a tradition from college. The guys insist that since they have to put up with Game Night, Dawnie will have to put up with Ty. "It'll be a disaster," says Ty. But the others promise that Dawnie will be fine. They all hang up.
You might want to cover your ears and sing loudly to yourself while you read the following sentence: "Dawnie and the girls have a three-way of their own." Anyway, Dawnie is upset about the way Russell and Vandy are letting Ty back into the Wasteland Gang. She insists that Jesse and Sam help her intervene. Jesse says Dawnie should get over it. Dawnie says she needs time. Sam just sounds like a moron because she's trying to lose her accent right that very minute, and she has to say each word three times, and it's not even funny. Dawnie bitches some more. Jesse says, "I met a guy!" "We're talking about me," snarls Dawnie. At this point, I think Sam can use whatever accent she damn well pleases, as long as she uses it to say, "Shut up, Dawnie." Instead, she says that they'll all support Dawnie and declare Ty off-limits as a friend. They agree to meet for Game Night at Jesse's. Then they all hang up.
Then Jesse calls Sam back and tells her that she invited Ty. Sam tells her to try to call and cancel. "Can't the guy be our friend?" complains Jesse. "Not if you want to live," says Sam. I'm getting really tired of always hearing how Dawnie will kill them, like she's holding the total Cheek Slap Of Coercion over them all.
There's a commercial for "Fa," which is "a refreshing European bodywash." And, if you're Sam, it's also the word for "fire."
Okay, this is not a retraction, but I guess this loft we saw in the very beginning of the last episode was maybe actually Jesse's loft, because here it is again. My bad -- how silly of me to think that the place where one is shown eating breakfast is actually the place where one LIVES, and also, what made me assume that more than one person lived in an apartment that's about the size of a Barnes & Noble? But while this loft is the same loft from last episode, it's now in a totally different building.
Anyway, at Jesse's Loft Where Everyone Else Just Acts Like They Live There, Dawnie is going through Jesse's purse while Russell looks on. Russell's like, "Jesse let you do this?" And I'm like, Dawnie's thesis advisor lets her do this? Dawnie takes out a wallet, a pack of cigarettes, then a couple of flavored condoms. "Now what does that mean?" asks Russell. Uh, that Jesse's not quite fasting tonight, perhaps? Ew. Dawnie just rattles off tiresome theories about instant gratification and Jesse's need to be superficial, blah blah. Russell jokes about her assignment and Dawnie says, "You're lucky I'm even talking to you!" "This is going to get old," says Russell. ("It already has." -- Sars) Dawnie takes something out of Jesse's purse and throws it at him. "You can count on it," she says, as the Tampon Of Terror hits Russell in the face.
Jesse and Sam are in the kitchen discussing Agent Ben. It seems to be Experimental Hair Night. Tonight, Sam is wearing The Bashful Ponytail With Curly Side-Impact Panels, while Jesse has chosen Up-'do Variation #43: The Three-Pronged Griselda. Sam says, "So you told this guy you're Jewish?" At first I misheard her and thought she'd said, "So you told this guy you'd douche?" Heh. Anyway. Jesse comes up with this stuff about how she's 12.5 percent Jewish on her mom's side. Sam says, "You are a liar!" Jesse admits that it "just came out"; Agent Ben was so cute, she got flustered. Sam gives some speech about false pretenses and advises Jesse to just be herself, because the theme for the night is shaping up to be "Just Be Yourself." "So, this Yom Kippur thing!" says Jesse. "Any ritual I need to know about?" Sam shakes her head. "Jesus died on the cross, that's all I know," she says. Hey, so where can I get one of those crosses for myself?
The buzzer rings. Just as Jesse says she left Ty a message and hopes he got it, in walks Guess Who. While he high-fives Russell and Vandy, Dawnie stiffens on the couch, then gets up to face them with a slowly dawning (get it?) expression of disgust on her face. "Now be nice," says Russell. "Sure," says Dawnie. "I'll just be in the kitchen, sharpening knives." What a badass! Then she goes off in another room and jumps down Jesse's throat and wails about how insensitive everyone is.
Somewhere off in another part of the loft, Vandy offers to help Sam lose her accent. "I've had years of voice and diction," he says, "and I could teach you a few tricks." "Thanks, Vandy," says Sam, "but no one sings in the DA's office." Not since Cop Rock, at least. Sam says, "I'll manage," using her handy-dandy "Act Like I Have Tourette's And Nobody Will Notice The Accent" method. "Just trying to help," says Vandy. "And I'm saying, 'thank you,'" says Sam, as she goes off to tinkle.
In yet another part of the loft (which, by the way, is as dark as a German submarine), Russell and Ty talk some more about how Russell is gay. This is in case anyone's forgotten that Russell is gay. The conversation goes something like this: "I'm gay," says Russell. "Wow, I never suspected that you were gay," says Ty. "I first found out I was gay in college," says Russell. "So why didn't you tell me you were gay?" says Ty. "I don't know," says Russell. "But one thing I do know is that I'm gay. I'm gay, Ty." I think Russell might be gay or something.
The buzzer rings again, and Russell goes to answer it. It's Agent Ben, who, wearing a black jacket, black trousers, and a black shirt open halfway down the chest, is apparently observing Yom Kippur by dressing like David Copperfield. "Where's Jesse?" he asks. She's still off listening to Dawnie whine. "Why isn't anybody on my side?" Dawnie snivels, while Jesse stands around wondering how much Yom Kippur fasting it would take for her to just pass out. But she manages to convince Dawnie to stay for Game Night in spite of Ty.
A moment later, all the Wastelanders (and Agent Ben) are gathered in the living room, while Dawnie stands up and announces, "For tonight's game night, we're going to get a little personal." Uh-oh. "As part of my very, very important -- and extremely due -- Human Behavior thesis chapter, tonight's game will be an exercise in self-discovery." Since this is Dawnie, nobody even thinks for a moment that "self-discovery" might mean "getting naked." Instead, the game is some lame "Charades" variation of her pocket project. "One's pocket items can be a window into one's soul," says Dawnie. The window must be soundproof, because my soul is screaming, "Shut up, Dawnie!" to no avail whatsoever.
Ty offers to play first, and Dawnie ignores him and picks Sam. In about two guesses they all figure out Sam has a subway token, and Dawnie yells at Ty for just blurting out guesses. Then Vandy's up and everyone exchanges "what the hell" looks over Dawnie's cheesy over-analysis of Vandy's guitar pick as a "sacred charm," but still they don't say, "Shut up, Dawnie!" The game goes on, and Dawnie never lets Ty take a turn, and annoying-as-hell music plays on the soundtrack, and just when it all begins to look like an-almost-sort-of-fun-in-a-sad-pathetic-way party game, Dawnie begins screaming at everyone to ask "serious" questions. Then Ty guesses that Dawnie's pocket item is a mint, but she insists it's candy, and finally Ty asks Dawnie, "What does this have to do with your thesis?" while I weep with happiness and relief. Dawnie tosses her comb-able mane and says, "Well, the answer, Ty, is that my assignment has to do with personal identification, and that a mint or a candy can actually reveal a great deal about one's inner self and can actually be directly related to a much larger theme, such as . . . deception! Or betrayal! But if that's too confusing for you, you can just feel free to excuse yourself," and Ty's gets a look like "I get it already," and Russell says, "Uh, let's take a break," and the little children of every nation gather all together in a meadow somewhere, and they join hands and sing a heartfelt chorus of Shut Up, Dawnie.
Jesse savors a cigarette out on her roof. Agent Ben comes out and joins her. "I didn't know you smoked," he says, a little disapprovingly. And we didn't know that your creepy unbuttoned Siegfried-Without-Roy look was considered appropriate dress for the High Holy Days. Jesse says she doesn't usually smoke, she's just starving from all the fasting. "You know," says Agent Ben, "Yom Kippur is about abstaining from everything, not just food." They flirt about what "everything" may and may not mean. Agent Ben, for instance, seems to be abstaining from neckties, undershirts, and fashion sense in general. The flirty banter gets more intense until finally Jesse and Agent Ben are sucking face with squishy sound effects.
Ty and Dawnie argue in the bathroom. Ty insists they have to try and get along, but Dawnie says some things aren't meant to be forgiven or forgotten, "So if you're really as changed as you claim to be you will respect my wishes." "And your wishes are?" asks Ty. In her most ominous Dawnie-Of-The-Dead voice, she tells him that she wants him out of her life completely. Sadly he agrees, and he really does go, and walk out the door, and just like in that song, she says, "You're not welcome anymore!" She sobs just one little sob as the scene fades out, but do you think she'll crumble? Do you think she'll just lay down and die?
day. Jesse is at work, all excited about having had sex with Agent Ben the night before. Oh, that crazy shiksa! She calls Dawnie and Russell's answering machine and shouts, "We did it! Me and Ben. It was great!" Please shut up. Then she calls Sam at work, but according to another secretary who answers, "that chick from the South" isn't in yet. Jesse tells the secretary to take a message saying "Jesse did IT!" and wastes a bunch of New York City tax dollars in the process. Sam comes in at last, and in her effort to greet Vince with a New York accent she winds up sounding like S-Dog, The Gangsta Seckrataree: "Yo-a Vince! Howzit goin?" Vince is like, "What?"
Jesse and Russell eat salad and chat even more about the theme of tonight's episode. They figure out "everyone's afraid of the truth." And also, "everyone's living a lie." Whatever.
Sam's accent be so wack that she runs to Vandy's bar for emergency dialect coaching. It appears that all Sam needs to do is say "oh my darling Clementine" a bunch of times, but Vandy tells her she needs to do more. "You have to connect in here," he says, pointing to his heart, "and then you have to want to let it go." And that accent will just run, run to the light. But Sam doesn't want to lose who she is! Vandy assures her she won't, and I agree that there are plenty of other ways she can be annoying. Somehow in all this, they start kissing, but Sam shoves him off and before Vandy can apologize she skitters out the door in her high heels.
we see Russell on-screen in his soap opera, which they've cheesed up very nicely: his blonde co-star says, "I love the way you love me." I'd much rather watch this, but alas, we must return to Wasteland. The producer yells, "Cut!" and Russell walks off the set to where Ty has been standing and watching the monitors. Ty says he's leaving town. "Because of Dawnie?" asks Russell. "Well, that, and I've lost my job, which was my place to live... so now I have no cash and no home, and I'm a complete and total loser," says Ty. "But you're really hot!" says most of North America. He goes on to say he lost his job by lying about the fact that he never graduated from college. "So what?" says North America. "Really, we don't care. Nice ass." Russell insists that Ty stay at his place, which is also Dawnie's place. "I pay the rent, so Dawnie can kick and scream all she wants," says Russell. Um, Russell? She already does kick and scream all she wants.
As the camera approaches Jesse's building, we hear few final orgasmic yelps, presumably from Jesse, and indeed we see that she and Agent Ben have been partaking in some hot 'n' heavy Day of Atonement activity. "All this fasting brings out the animal in me," says Agent Ben. And from the thickness of his body hair, it appears the animal walked over and died on his chest. Jesse starts asking about the Jewish thing: "Would you ever consider dating a non-Jewish girl?" Agent Ben says he has actually "been on a big Gentile kick" and explains that he's twice divorced from nice Jewish girls, blah blah, but with Jewish Jesse the sexual attraction was so strong he figured it was all right, since "it's just a sex thing," and he blathers on about her being one of those "strong, controlling, I-don't-need-a-man types," and sets himself up for a big Gentile kick in the nads. "You wouldn't consider a relationship with me because I'm Jewish?" screams Jesse. "How anti-Semitic of you!" This sounds a little to me like a slightly anti-Semitic usage of the term "anti-Semitic," but then again, I'm not Jewish, nor do I play someone who's not Jewish playing someone who is, supposedly, Jewish on TV. Anyway, I think we can skim from here. Jesse is forced to kick yet another boyfriend's ass. As Agent Ben gets chased out the door, he yells, "I'm twice married to Jewish women, and you are definitely Jewish!" Ha ha. Like we needed to get whomped on the head one more time by the Irony Skillet. Jesse slams the door.
Russell comes home to the Virgin Vault. He and Dawnie discuss Ty some more. "So why don't you hate me?" he asks, since he was Ty's roommate and he knew about Ty's cheating ways, and she knew he knew. But Dawnie is like, "I didn't know." But Russell says that "we all knew," and furthermore insists that Dawnie knew and he knows she knows it. Dawnie wheels away from Russell and does The Dramatic Turning-Towards-The-Camera of Sudden Epiphany.
DA's office. Sam rattles off a status report in Standard American English. Vince acts like he doesn't even notice. Sam is pissed. Oh, we totally saw that coming.
Back at the Lonelyhearts Loft, Jesse lets in Russell. "I came as soon as I got your message," says Russell, who seems to have forsaken a life of his own to become Everyone's Swell Gay Friend. "Why do I attract rotten men?" complains Jesse. Well, maybe it has something to do with that pact you made with Satan to afford this seven-hundred-thousand-square-foot apartment all by yourself in New York City? Maybe you should see if there's a "rotten men only" clause in the fine print. Then she complains that the "geriatric phase" of her life is starting. Hey, Jesse? Do you have plans to fall and break your hip in the shower anytime soon? No? Then shut up. Russell, ever the swell gay friend, offers to make cookies.
Sam marches into "Callbacks" and says to Vandy: "It's time that you let me go. In here," gesturing to her heart. She says the "friend thing isn't working," blah blah, he needs to really try. "Okay, Sam," says Vandy, "but you have to let me let go. Who followed who to college? And who followed who to New York? And who keeps showing up in whose bar? Just who needs to let go of who, Sam?" And who can make the sun shine? The Vandyman can, the Vandyman can! Go, Vandy! Sam gets the point. She says that she's had to let go of so many things, "but it's really hard to let go of some of the good parts." And Vandy, she says, is the very best part. Aw. They agree to try being friends for the seventy-ninth time since the series began.
Dawnie comes home to see Ty setting up camp on the living room couch. Someone tell me again why he has to stay here at Pottery Barn, when over at Jesse's place there are at least three spare rooms the size of airplane hangars? Dawnie's changed her tune and she begins to apologize for whatever-the-hell-happened six years ago. She says she knew about all the cheating, because she knew Ty, but she didn't say anything, because she didn't want to lose him as a friend -- "I took what I could," she says, and for that she was just as dishonest as he was. I'd just like to say that I was almost kind of moved by this scene, mostly due to Brad Rowe's acting. "So what do we do now?" asks Ty. "Well, I don't know about you," says Dawnie, "but this is all going into my thesis." Yeah, Dawnie, as soon as you figure out how to cite that big, fat, non-existent book called All About Me in your footnotes. "You know," says Ty, "you never asked me what was in my pockets." "Let's see," says Dawnie. Ty stands and turns his lint-free pockets inside-out. "Empty -- now what does that mean?" I don't know, Ty. What about the back pockets? Maybe you should turn around. Oh, wait, you don't have back pockets? Well, could you just turn around anyway, Ty? Thanks.
Dawnie tells Ty, "There's a part of you that's empty and needs to be filled -- maybe you need a friend." She offers a friendly handshake. Although Dawnie is way, way too big to fit in Ty's pocket, she'll have to do, at least until he finds a nice hamster, or maybe a ferret. They hug. Fade out.