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The Woodman holds an essay contest on freedom, and the prize is an internship with him, and well as the privilege of blowing some shit up. Logan takes Hannah out in the middle of the parking lot and shoots her, but feels bad about it and comes clean, and the question of whether they had sex before doesn't seem particularly relevant, because they totally go for it. Until, that is, Griffith busts in and drags Hannah out of there, and before you know it, she's been shipped off to boarding school in Vermont, so I guess she's kind of the Mary from 7th Heaven of this show. Veronica's unpsyched about Hearst College, but she and Wallace (who gets an athletic scholarship there, natch) go for an informational weekend, and Veronica gets a tour from Michael Cera, and before you can even digest how awesome that is, Icetwin shows up, which Veronica's even more unpsyched about, but I can be psyched enough for both of us. Anyway, Icetwin claims to have cleaned up his act, but Veronica in turn claims not to care. She hits a party Alia Shawkat happens to be attending, and I think Alia runs off with Icetwin, but my mind is totally blown at this point, so forgive any mistakes from here on out. Unfortunately, the scene isn't so much of a fun, sexy time as I would have thought, as the day, Alia has been roofied, raped, and had her head shaved, and is accusing Icetwin of the crime, since he's the last thing she remembers. Icetwin begs Veronica for help, and Veronica -- whether because of or in spite of her own identification issues -- agrees. After happily taking down a frat full of future That Guys, Veronica succeeds in exonerating Icetwin, but not in catching the rapist. And speaking of sexual misconduct, Keith finds Cliff handcuffed to a bed, and it looks like he shaves his chest, for those of you who have moved your crushes to the physical. The woman made off with his briefcase, which unfortunately contained files on Logan's case. In investigating the security tapes, we find that Lamb is hooking up with Madison, and with the handcuffs already in play this episode, I won't blame you if your mind has gone to very disturbing places. Keith and Cliff use the information to lean on Lamb, who tells them that the briefcase woman is an escort he's busted, but that lead doesn't seem to go anywhere. What does go somewhere is that Veronica, in inquiring about the explosives that are going to be used to blow up the old baseball stadium, comes across her old friend Danny Boyd, so she's thinking the Fitzpatricks are involved in both the season mysteries, like, about time, girlie. Also, TWoP gets another shout-out. Whee! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
If they were going to put Icetwin in the thankfully-normal-length-this-week previouslies, why didn't they put him in last week's promo? Sometimes I think television departments are like a whole bunch of appendages without a brain to guide them. (No reflection on Dawn Ostroff, who I think is a lovely, lovely woman, and about whom I hope never to have to say anything negative, HINT HINT.) Also, like anyone who went to Austin, I've known about the Michael Cera/Alia Shawkat casting for quite some time, but the fact that this episode is finally here -- I can hardly contain myself. However, Rob explained that those two agreed to appear on the show only if their roles were nothing like those they play on Arrested Development, so I guess the only thing I can do is refrain from making any references to that show in this recap. Now let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.
In English, the nasal female teacher whom we haven't seen in quite some time snarks on Dick, who -- shockingly -- apparently doesn't do so hot in the class. If only playing with yourself were a scholarly pursuit. The teacher hands out a description of an essay contest sponsored by The Woodman. Apparently, the kids have to write about freedom, and the winner gets a week's internship as The Woodman's apprentice. And the fact that winning a contest by writing about freedom earns you a week of indentured servitude is just the sort of creepy cluelessness that I'd expect from The Woodman. On the plus side, the winner will get to stand by Woody as he blows up Old Shark Stadium, and the fact that Veronica didn't immediately make the connection between explosives and The Woodman is just...easy enough to believe this season, unfortunately. Dick: "Nuke the stadium? Damn! Now I totally wish I could write good." That's totally Dick, even if it is a little cornball.
Outside, Veronica sighs that Logan should be able to write quite an essay on freedom, since his case has been dismissed. Also dismissed was the big "I think I've done something horrible" cliffhanger from last episode, which...what? Veronica asks whether Hannah understood why Logan wouldn't be seeing her anymore, so I guess the bargain with Dad was the "horrible thing" he was referring to, but why unload to Veronica? I suppose she was the only one who knew the game Logan was playing, but it still seems like an odd choice for him to come in and interrupt her shift right at the end of an episode, making it seem like a real cliffhanger...oh. I just caught myself up. Anyway, Logan hasn't so much told Hannah that her services, such as they are, will no longer be required, and at Veronica's exasperation, he leaves in a huff.
Wallace shows up, and since he and Logan were both in the same shot, I suppose you could count this as their long-awaited scene together. I was kind of hoping for more, like Wallace puffing up his chest in Logan's face and being all, "If you ever hurt her again, I'll...oh, wait, she broke your heart, right? Sorry, man. Want a snickerdoodle?" Wallace does mention Logan, saying he can't believe Logan got off the hook, and then they discuss their visit to Hearst College, about which Wallace is psyched and Veronica is not. Wallace exposits that the average Hearst SAT score is a 1280, and Veronica points out that Wallace only got an 1140. But Veronica, he plays sports, like basketball and sidekick. Wallace says it's down to him and one other guy for an athletic scholarship, and encourages Veronica to come with him for the visit. Veronica tells him that if Hearst were in, say, Maine instead of Neptune, she'd be excited. Jeez, Veronica, that seems a little insensitive, both to Wallace's feelings and to what I can only imagine are your dad's. Not to mention that I think a third season of Wallace and Keith sipping coffee at your kitchen counter and pointedly trying not to talk about how much they miss you wouldn't exactly be a ratings juggernaut. I'd still watch it, though.
I have to say, however, that Veronica's expressing a desire to get out of Neptune (which restates what she said in "One Angry Veronica" about wanting to have the car packed and running at graduation) makes me realize what's been wrong with Veronica's characterization this season. It's not that she's different; that was inevitable. It's that the only things she's wanted this entire season are to be with Duncan and to get out of Neptune, and for that matter, both of those wants have seemed tepid at best. Not that there's anything wrong with any person not having strong driving desires at any moment in time, but Veronica is a character, not a person, and a lead character with no strong wants is boring television and screenwriting death. I thought that, as the season went along, Veronica would develop some new passion, but she doesn't even particularly seem to want to solve her cases. It's not that she even has to be completely aware of her wants, but they have to exist. If her real wish is to get out of Neptune, then fine, but that isn't the most riveting dramatic choice I've ever seen, nor does it bode well for Season 3. The thing that's kept the show going, in my opinion -- other than crisp dialogue and great acting (and that will always make the show enjoyable for me) -- is that Logan, while often reprehensible, has enough driving desire for just about everyone on the show. But the show ain't called Logan Echolls, so as I said a while ago: Veronica, start caring -- it almost doesn't matter about what. I mean, you wanted Lianne back, and we didn't hold that against you, did we?
Outside, Logan gets props for his release (as also happened in the classroom off the mention of the subject of freedom), and looks stoked until Hannah appears and holds up her hand for a high-five. Logan merely looks at it like Hannah's got "Did you know you can get Ebola from a handshake?" written on her palm. They fall into step together as Hannah tells Logan that she got his locker combination from the janitor and left him a surprise. Given what that surprise is, the timing might not be ideal, in a broad sense because Logan's about to fulfill his end of the bargain and dump her hard, and also in a narrower sense, since he looks like he might projectile-vomit into the county at any moment. Anyway, listening to this conversation is like watching someone walk the green mile, so let's cut to the chase: Logan says he can't see Hannah anymore. Hannah asks if this is a joke, and keeps on asking even as Logan walks away. Her self-esteem is through the roof.
And we're at Hearst: Wallace and Veronica are lounging on the grass as Michael Cera arrives, introduces himself as "Dean," and says he's going to be their tour guide. Now, I will at least honor the actors' wishes and not refer to them by their AD characters' names. However, I do have to opine that having Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat (who are currently aged seventeen and sixteen), playing college while Kristen Bell, Percy Daggs, and Aaron Ashmore (currently twenty-five, twenty-three, and twenty-six) play high school is a bit much. I mean, you can have actors play down, and you can have actors play up, but when you do both in the same scenes, it brings on this vague "don't cross the streams" feeling that's both distracting and a little unsettling. Pick a lie and stick with it, entertainment industry.
Anyway, Dean -- whose hair rather illustrates the darker side of freedom -- exposits that this will be a three-day tour, so each participant should pair up with someone he or she doesn't already know. Wallace goes to hit on some girl as Dean tells the pairs to play that game where you tell the other person three things about you -- two of which are true and one of which is a lie -- and the other person has to guess the lie. When Dean learns from an NVMVO that Veronica is unpaired, he fills in, and she tells him this: "I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die." I don't think she understands the game. Dean counters that he's from Wheaton, Illinois, his father owns a Ford dealership, and he also shot a man in Reno, but it was for "other issues." I'm really trying not to yell, "STEVE HOLT!" at the moment. Oh, whoops. Veronica calls that Dean's father doesn't sell Fords, which is correct, and tells him, regarding lying, that "it's all in the eyes." Dean says that he sees someone coming who will make a good partner for her, and lo and behold, it's Icetwin. Yay! Some people on the boards were bewildered that other people were so psyched for this character's return, especially given how his arc ended, and I can understand that. It took me some time to, um, warm to him. (I think the way he was obviously terrified of Keith did it for me. I must have liked him deep down to give him such an awesome nickname, though.) But I think he turned out to have some real chemistry with everyone in the main cast and especially with Bell, which made it all the more interesting when he turned out to be bad. Also, of course, he reminds me of a simpler time, when the show was new and the VMVOs and flashbacks were plentiful. And if you liked Icetwin from the beginning, and are looking around wondering where all these people came from? It's a fact of life -- you're always gonna get some hop-ons. Anyway, Veronica's none too psyched to see Icetwin, and they goggle at each other as we go to the opening credits.
Dean pats Icetwin on the back and heads off as Icetwin looks after him with a "PLEASE don't leave me" expression on his face. Icetwin nervously asks Veronica how she's been, and Veronica snaps, "Lie. I don't believe you're really interested. statement." Try "This is the toughest crowd I've ever worked," Icetwin. At least she can't call bullshit on that. Icetwin gamely soldiers on, and, in the context of the game, says he used to be a bad boy, but that "after a year of private school, therapy, quitting drugs, and dumping my loose-cannon ex-girlfriend, I've changed into a more-or-less good boy." Well, Icetwin, I just hope Shauna doesn't know where you are, because you don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy. Icetwin winds up by saying that he communicates telepathically with all denizens of the sea, and but Veronica is still not having it. As she starts to walk off, Icetwin tells her that he really has changed, but Veronica says she doesn't care, since he's water under the bridge. I guess he knows Logan's mom, then. Hi-yoooooooo!
Logan opens his locker to find a cake box with "Just in case" written on it. (That refers to a statement from Hannah in the earlier scene that she made it before she got the good news.) He opens the box to find a cake bearing a large icing replica of a Monopoly Community Chest "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. (Speaking of which, now that they're history, I wonder if we'll ever find out if Logan, uh, "passed Go" with Hannah.) Dick rolls up and asks if they're hanging out this weekend, or if "that chick still [has Logan's] sack locked up in her E-Z-Bake Oven." Hee. Logan says he's free but, upon learning that Dick is as well, asks what happened to Madison. Good question. Maybe she was belatedly awakened by some lesbian poetry? Also, she told Dick it was over three episodes ago, so at first I thought Logan would know this already, but then I realized that that was when he first started sucking face with Hannah while defiantly staring into her dad's eyes, so it's believable that he hasn't had much time for anything else lately. Dick tells Logan that Madison met someone more mature. Logan: "Where? LegoLand?" Hee. Dick says that maturity and "chicks" are the two most overrated things on the planet, and suggests that that weekend they "party like Ozzy." I don't think Ozzy parties too much anymore. It's not that he's mature -- it's just that Sharon's got him in the same position Dick described a few moments ago, and her E-Z-Bake Oven goes to 11.
Par-tay! Someone's having a well-attended bash. People dancing. Wallace. Alia Shawkat talking to some guy. VMVO says that Hearst has it all -- campus traditions, interesting people, and "drunken doofuses who corner you to tally your points." We see Veronica, and from the combination of "bored" and "offended" on her face, she could be watching 7th Heaven, if not for the fact that she herself doesn't appear to be trying to drink herself into a stupor. The jerky frat type gives her points for her good attributes -- she's a natural blonde, super-cute, and "sassy," the score for the last of which he says is variable depending on degree of difficulty. She asks/exposits that any guy who bags her would score 210 points, and the doofus says that that's high, and that she should be psyched. Veronica: "I am. Inside." Hee. The guy seriously asks what she thinks about their getting "busy." Well, they say that opposites attract, and in the context of the discussion of Hearst students' SAT scores earlier, I think these two mirror each other exactly on the bell curve. Veronica asks the guy for his beer, and when he smarmily obliges, she throws it in his face. Only he closes his eyes, like, an entire second before she lets it fly, so she should totally follow up by giving him two for flinching. The guy calls her a "crazy bitch," and then picks up another one and asks how she likes it, only Veronica tips it back into his face as well. Beer me twice, shame on me. The guy grabs Veronica's arm rather roughly, but Icetwin appears and tells him to back off. Icetwin makes with the big talk until the guy's fist goes flying into his face. Okay, heh. Veronica helps Icetwin to his feet, and then Shawkat appears and says that Veronica's beerfriend is a tool, and offers to get Icetwin a drink. Icetwin: "How about if I get you one?" Alia: "So, chivalry isn't dead! Just can't fight." Heh. Shawkat leads Icetwin away as he tells Veronica that there are some things he can't change. Given what's coming, though, he would have been well advised to try.
Veronica finds Wallace, who's having a blast, and tells him it's no big deal having Icetwin there. Unlike her statement earlier, she seems to mean it this time. Dean comes into the scene a half-second too late, which Veronica covers with an eyebrow-raise, and says that it's a fun party. "In high school, parties are just guys getting drunk and scamming on chicks, but here, you have intellectual conversations!" That's pretty much the exact opposite of the speech my host gave me when he took me to my first college party. Of course, he was a six-foot-six football player who could have killed Dean with even a half-hearted sneeze, so it's not surprising their outlooks were a little different. Dean asks Veronica what she and the doofus talked about. Veronica: "Jane Austen. But he dissed Pride And Prejudice, so I had to throw a beer on him." Hee. I have no direct proof of this, but I think this is a shout-out to all the posters who were incensed with Jackie for doing just what Veronica said the doofus did. Actually, it's more "poking fun at people for seizing on a relatively innocuous event to excoriate a character they were predisposed to hate." But "shout-out" sounds better and is easier to type. Veronica and Wallace tell Dean that they're going to leave and, in the process of doing so, see Icetwin and Shawkat heading off while holding each other around the waist and smooching. Veronica smiles, so I guess she's at least somewhat okay with Icetwin now, not that I blame her. On the way out, Veronica sees the doofus scoring another girl. She walks past, but then thinks better of it and stuns the guy, which might get her in trouble in the real world, but on TV kind of rocks and was totally deserved, although the bored way she did it was a little disquieting. Making it even more awesome is the fact that the other girl totally laughs, and that the guy gets his third beer all over him as he falls. That last was 90% gravity, though.
Establishing shot of the Neptune Grand, so we're going somewhere other than Logan's suite. Keith is on his cell phone, apparently getting directions to the twelfth floor from the person on the other end. He says he got a key card through some smooth talking, but doesn't know why the person on the other end couldn't open the door. Keith obviously was not much of a Felicity watcher. Anyway, as anyone who saw Noel's brother find him in a similar position knows, Keith enters the room to find Cliff handcuffed to the bed, naked except for black socks and a bedsheet over his privates. The sheet does at least effectively hide his thunder. Keith's expression is pricelessly grim as Cliff tells him not to judge. Not a sentence that inspires confidence in his clients, I'd wager. Upon learning that Cliff doesn't have a key for the cuffs, Keith takes out a delicate tool and gets to work as he asks Cliff how he managed to call him. Cliff: "Acrobatically. I might have pulled a hamstring." Well, that probably would have happened even if the evening had played out exactly as he wanted. Keith looses Cliff, who takes a swig from one of the many bottles lying around, and explains that the night before was the convention of the South Coast's OB/GYN society -- "the most sued medical specialty," so Cliff makes it a point to swing by every year. It's nice when the ambulances all come to the same parking lot, right, Cliff? Anyway, he met a woman at the bar, they came upstairs to get busy, and she stole his briefcase. Good luck finding it!
Veronica screams to Keith that the phone is ringing. Only Keith has left a note that reads, "Gone on puzzling errand." Hee. The machine picks up, and Icetwin urgently pleads with her to pick up the phone, which she does. Veronica smiles as she asks how his evening was. Her face falls, and she asks, "You're where?" Is she going to need a keycard for this?
Apparently not, as Veronica enters the sheriff's station. She finds Icetwin, who tells her that Shawkat (Stacy is her character's name) got date-raped. Lamb appears to say that when you roofie a girl and shave her head "afterward," the "date" part is no longer relevant. So I guess if Veronica had only pulled a Sars on the way to the station, she might have succeeded in getting Lamb's attention. (Hee, remember how I used to call him "Officer Fuckface"? Good times.) Veronica sizes up Icetwin anew as he swears he didn't do it and begs for her help. Icetwin, you're lucky to have her as a friend.
Icetwin is asking Veronica how sick in the head she thinks he is. Veronica counters by asking why the cops think Icetwin did it, so he admits that he's the last thing Stacy remembers, people saw them go upstairs together, and there are "hair and fibers" of his on her. Apparently there's no way these tests could have been done that quickly, but we'll just C.S.I. our way over that. Anyway, when they tested Icetwin's clothes, they also found that they'd just been washed. Veronica's aghast, since she's never dated a guy who even thought about doing his own laundry. Icetwin's story, however, is that he and Stacy did fool around on a PG-13 basis, but that she retched on him, so he cleaned up, took off her shoes and tucked her in, and then washed the only change of clothes he had at the all-night laundry. Veronica: "If I decide you're guilty, I'll help hold the hammer while they nail you to the wall." Icetwin nods forlornly, and Veronica asks him if he remembers anything else about the night before. He says that there was a guy with long dark hair who gave him the stink-eye, since he'd unsuccessfully hit on Stacy earlier. He had a frat sweatshirt on, so maybe Stacy poured a beer on him, too.
Mars Investigations. Keith pops in a tape from the Grand's elevator as he explains that he got tight with the security guys when Veronica and Duncan started dating again. Heh, that explains this. It's nice to know how Keith stays a step ahead of Veronica. Not that this was as amusing as exploding ink in the strongbox, but then again, what is? Cliff starts to run through the contents of the briefcase, none of which are of much interest, unlike the woman, "Daphne," who's just appeared on the tape. Noting what she's built for, Keith grinningly asks whether Cliff really thought she was a gynecologist. Yeah, especially given the handcuffs, although I wouldn't be shocked to learn that that's the only thing out of the briefcase Cliff didn't lose. Cliff goes on that his briefcase contained receipts, keys, "I believe a copy of Elle magazine, but I forget why." Hee. And also, Logan's case files, but how could those matter? No, really, I'm asking. (Not in the "email me and tell me" way, though.) The tape now shows Cliff in the elevator with Daphne, and he covers his eyes in embarrassment as Keith, watching the sped-up tape of Cliff moonlighting as the Cleavage Inspector, intones, "My God, Cliff, you're like a wild animal. Is that what the kids call motorboatin'?" Heeee hee hee. Cliff: "I have a zest for life. So sue me." I will, but only if you promise to represent yourself. Later on, Lamb is in the elevator making out with Madison. Given Madison's comment to Dick at Winter Carnival, I guess this means that Lamb doesn't need to stuff socks down his sheriff's pants. Also, the way Lamb is all over Madison in this horny high-schooler way is just hilarious. He totally still lives with his mother. Daphne gets into the elevator with Madison and Lamb; the latter appears to know her. Veronica appears in the doorway to Keith's office, and breezes that she just needs an address and then she's back off to Hearst. I guess this means that T-Mobile stopped coughing up to product-place the Sidekick. Veronica gets the frat's address, and then comes in and manages to pick her chin up off the floor long enough to identify Madison with Lamb. And given that she's getting her spit directly into his mouth, she won't have to bother taking him to the dentist.
Frat house. Veronica enters, and is disgusted by all the filth. She also discovers that the doofus who punched Icetwin, "Andrew Barndale," is a member, as is Gordon Peters, the one who was giving Icetwin the stink-eye. They're brothers and they kind of like each other. Not like that, though. Some dude, "Chip," introduces himself; in response to Veronica's inquiry, he says that Gordon is in the hospital, since he had to have his stomach pumped: "Eighteen shots of vodka. Not a good idea. Who knew?" Heh. He tells Veronica that she can leave a message for him on the board. How about, "Dear Gordon, you owe me two hundred bucks for throwing up in my shoes." Worth a shot, so to speak.
Dean is speaking to the tour group, but Icetwin's off on his own little scarlet bench when Veronica finds him. Icetwin says that he bailed, because he was getting tired of the dirty looks. Veronica: "So you figured creepy skulking was a better use of your time?" You're losing her here, Icetwin -- think of something you have in common. Ooh, I know -- ask her how Duncan is! We see a couple of girls give Icetwin said dirty looks, and Veronica tells him that if he can't tell her anything else, he might have to get used to them. Or, worse yet,to the county jail. I just hope it has a good analrapist. Seriously, though, I know nothing's been proven against Icetwin yet, but would the school really want to take him on a tour of other potential victims? Anyway, Icetwin recalls that he left his name and number on Stacy's message board, and it's kind of sweet that he took the time to do that when he was stinking of bodily fluids that were neither the fun kind nor his own. Veronica asks if she could go check and find it there. Icetwin, in a small but hopeful voice, says she could just believe him. Veronica: "I'll check." That may seem harsh, but on the plus side, the temperature finally got down to Icetwin's level of comfort.
Neptune Grand. Logan and Dick are drinking and playing a street fighting game. Dick amusingly tells Logan, who's not completely into it, how he's going to rip out his spine, which he rather amusingly proceeds to do. Also, Dick's wearing a t-shirt that says "Screw With My Head," and it's too bad he wasn't wearing this for the tranny, since she could then claim that she was following his wishes, in more ways than one. Anyway, Dick makes a grand speech (uh, sorry) about how he and Logan are "lone wolves" and don't give a rat's ass about what other people say. Not a dead, waterlogged, duct-taped, stinking rat's ass. Dick gets Hannah's cake out of the refrigerator, cuts into it, and finds a file, which Logan somewhat wistfully explains is a joke. He and Dick toast to "not giving the ass of a rat," and Logan chugs his beer expertly. Anyone shocked that he can open his throat? Anyway, it seems like Logan appreciates the pep talk from Dick and really values his friendship, but at the same time is longing for someone a little more meaningful. I know -- I'm talking crazy here.
Dorms. VMVO says that despite her "deep reserves of ill will," it's hard to believe Icetwin would lie about the name and number. Getting to Stacy's message board, she sees Icetwin's name and number partially erased by a green "CCC." And that's why you always leave a note. Just then, a hat-wearing Stacy opens the door and asks Veronica if she needs something. Veronica says no, and turns to go, but then goes back and introduces herself, saying that she was at the party. Stacy: "That was like, the best party ever, right? How was your rape?" Veronica gapes, as of all the people she's ever met who she thought could punch her in the gut, Stacy was pretty far down the list. I have to note, though, that given that one of the most powerful anti-rape slogans is "no means no," it's a little unfortunate that the first thing you think when you look at this character is "Maeby." Stacy asks if Veronica's there to drop off some pamphlets. Veronica: "A pamphlet's not gonna cover it. It's just gonna suck. And then it'll suck less." Emotionally, Veronica turns to go, but Stacy asks if they caught Icetwin. Veronica dances around that subject, saying that they're just trying to get all the facts straight. Stacy says she knows who it was as she takes off her hat, revealing her closely-cropped head (although it looks fairly evident that Alia is wearing a headcap). She tells Veronica, "I just want some Biblical justice!" As Annyong would say, she old-school. And since the parallels between you and Veronica are being laid on a bit thick, Stacy, I'd suggest you get used to blue-filtered memories and hearing yourself in voice-over a lot. Stacy notices a box to her door and opens it, but drops it in horror when she sees that it contains hair. Veronica is all, "Oh God...that...is just...." The word Veronica is searching for is "creepy." On examination, though, Stacy says that the hair isn't hers. One of her hallmates comes out, and Veronica asks her if she saw who delivered the box. The girl declines to answer, but instead asks Stacy what Veronica's doing there: "She was there with him, Stacy. She's here trying to help him get off the hook." Veronica decides whether to focus on that irony or simply on the awkward as we go to commercial.
Veronica enters a wig store as VMVO tells us that if, by chance Stacy wasn't the first victim, there could be another girl at Hearst who's sporting a wig. One can only imagine the wacky hijinx involving a cancer patient that could ensue from pursuing this lead. VMVO says it's time for her to clinch that Emmy nomination, and I certainly can't begrudge the writers the meta there, because WAKE THE FUCK UP, AMERICA. Veronica approaches a clerk and starts her speech about how she's looking for a girl who would have come in in the last couple of months, and she's playing the part so hard from the first word that you can almost see the [small voice] [/small voice] tags around her speech. The saleswoman asks for more information, and when Veronica says that the girl's head would have been completely shaved, the woman steps on my joke by being all, "Oh. Chemo." Mine was better. Veronica nods in hilariously sincere agreement, and runs with it as she says that the girl gave up on treatment and ran away from home. This gets the saleswoman's attention, and she recalls a girl from a month earlier, but balks when Veronica doesn't know her name. Veronica, pulling out all the stops: "Ma'am! She's run away. She's scared and she's alone. We don't even want to know how she's making her money. She's given up on life." Hilariously overwrought music plays as Veronica continues to go for it, railing that not knowing where she is or "what name she's using" (niiiice) is torture: "She's my sister!" The woman goes cold: "I'm sorry. This girl was Hawaiian." I'd point out that Veronica could have pulled out the "She's adopted" card here, but if she had, we wouldn't have gotten the mournful plinking of a single piano key letting us know that the jig is up. Anyway, Veronica -- having told more lies in this one outing even than her weekly quota -- bails...
...to go see Dean. She asks where she could find a Hawaiian girl and, after clarifying that she doesn't have time to hop on a plane, learns that some of the Pacific Islander kids have lunch at the Student Union on weekends. Veronica thanks him and heads off down the hallway, but turns back and calls Dean to ask what the "CL" on one of the message boards means. He tells her it's a Pi Sigma score, and I just hope that girl doesn't wonder if maybe she isn't even Lisa Kudrow. Veronica reiterates the scores for being blonde and sassy. Dean: "Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know if you get points for being sassy, but yeah." Hee. Dean adds that the rumor is that the pledges have a board in their basement one which they keep a tally, and that if they don't score high enough, they're punished with a head-shaving. Veronica thanks Dean, gets out her phone (Sidekick! J'accuse!), and heads off, thinking that maybe Dean isn't really ready for college if he can't even add two and two.
Cliff and Keith are waiting in the sheriff's station when Lamb arrives. Keith calls his name, and the placating way he addresses him as "Don" should be Lamb's first clue that this is a conversation he doesn't want to have. Keith shows him the picture of the briefcase woman, and Lamb denies knowing her. The second picture, of Lamb talking to the woman, also gets Keith nowhere, and Lamb starts to walk away again. Door #3, however, has a shot of Lamb and Madison, who Keith notes "takes World History with [his] daughter." I can't believe Lamb gives that to children. Lamb, hilariously warily, looks around, and then asks if this is blackmail: "She's eighteen. It's legal." Keith notes that that would be a swell campaign slogan for the election, and Cliff produces another copy of the picture with "18 -- It's Legal! Re-elect Don Lamb." Heeeeee hee hee. I felt bad for Keith in the last episode when Lamb got the best of him, so it's nice to see him turn the tables. Plus, Lamb's kind of cute when he's cornered like this -- he's just got to be careful that he doesn't ruin his looks by chewing off his lower lip in frustration, like he seems to be on the verge of doing. He tells them that the woman is an escort, and Keith and Cliff leave, Cliff saying, "I'd vote for you." Given that he gestured to the picture, I certainly believe that. Madison's pretty, um, zesty, after all. Nonetheless, Lamb rips it up. Hee.
Frat house. The doofus from the party is showing Wallace around, saying that when he got to Hearst, he decided he wanted to be a Pi. Wallace: "Yeah, once when I was little, I wanted to be ice cream." Well, why didn't you marry the ice cream? Anyway, Wallace takes advantage of the fact that the doofus is ahead of him to surreptitiously unlock one of the windows, and Veronica quickly opens and climbs through it. Yeah, good luck getting this good a sidekick in Maine, Veronica.
Downstairs, Veronica quickly finds the board in question, which has lines for all the brothers containing pictures and scores of girls they supposedly bagged. This crowd is certainly the type to claim they fucked the business model, and she had all kinds of orgasms. VMVO says that the question is whether any of these guys scored the CCC she saw on Stacy's door. Veronica takes a bunch of pictures, and I don't want to tell her how to do her job, but if I saw that one of the pledges was nicknamed "Mr. Roofie," he might seem like a good place to start. (It's only there for a split second, but it is there, under "Freako" and to the right of "Drill Man." Veronica's understandably distracted, however, when she sees that someone with the handle "Bird Dog" has her picture up on his line. Bird Dog's made a huge mistake. Also potentially in error is an "Iceman," who has the CCC Veronica's looking for. Just then, however, some dude discovers Veronica, whines that she's in the "sanctum," and calls for the Iceman to cometh. Be careful -- I hear he just kind of sprays it everywhere. Iceman, it turns out, is Chip, the guy who talked to Veronica in the earlier scene at the frat house, and now, he gets up in her grill and shouts that the place is off-limits. He's actually completely convincingly intimidating. Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.
Veronica sarcastically congratulates Iceman for his three hundred points. She then gives him props for being a rapist, but says she understands that he had to do it, or his brothers "would shave off [his] awesome Ryan Seacrest hairdo." And all this talk of Ryan Seacrest and rape makes me think of poor Will Makar. I'm not being harsh -- it's just simple math. Rape + Ryan = Will - Clothes. (Of course, in the "Stuff You Can't Make Up" department, Will's biggest talent wish in life is "pitcher." Dare to dream, kid.) Iceman growls that he didn't get those points for Stacy (Wells is her surname, if it matters), and the other dude says he nailed the Dean's wife. Iceman tells "Gordo" to zip it, and I think he should get a couple extra points just for that. Also, Gordo is the guy who was in the hospital, and Veronica notes that his head was shaved (although not as closely as Stacy's, which is kind of wussy). She doesn't seem to notice that, from his picture, it looks like they also shaved about fifty pounds off him, but she could just be focused on what's important to the case. Veronica then accuses Gordo of the rape. Gordo claims that Stacy is a tease: "She blew me off for some other dude who called her bluff. Boo hoo." Well, Veronica, I'm impressed with your self-restraint that you didn't use the stun gun here, especially since, given the situation, you no doubt have it at the ready. But even for a techie like you, there's a lot to be said for a good old-fashioned kick to the balls. Even your dad knows that. "Bird Dog," the doofus last seen showing Wallace around, appears, and Veronica announces that Iceman should get the clippers, since Bird Dog never scored her two hundred and forty points. She takes down her picture and crumples it up. Where there was a hottie, now there's...not. E. As she leaves, Bird Dog corrects her that it was two-ten. Veronica: "You undercounted the 'sassy.'" You'd think he would have corrected that mistake at the party, after wiping all the beer and drool off himself.
Veronica approaches the Pacific Islanders' table. Removing her nametag, she accosts a girl with hot pink hair and babbles a story about needing a custom wig. The girl snits that it's her real hair, but I don't know why she's so offended. I mean, it's unlikely the curtains match the carpet, and if they do, I think she's got bigger problems anyway. Veronica hems an apology and starts to haw away, but a pretty girl in what looks like a wig suggests a place to her. Veronica thanks her pointedly and walks away...
...but catches her when she's leaving. I wonder how many campus activists she had to fend off in the meantime. Veronica brings up Stacy, and the girl stops with a look on her face like she just heard that global warming sped right the fuck up to the point where Hawaii is now Atlantis.
Lecture hall. A class is letting out when Stacy rushes up to talk to the female dean ("Dean Harlowe," which heh), saying she got a message saying that the Dean had some information about Icetwin. The Dean's confused, since she's still waiting to hear from Lamb, but Veronica and the girl from the lunch table stride forward as Veronica announces that she left the message. She tells a skeptical Stacy that Icetwin didn't do it, and the Hawaiian girl, "Dawn," helps Veronica out by taking off her wig. I feel bad for her, but hasn't television had enough of fake sisters named Dawn? Anyway, Veronica stresses that Dawn's rape happened when Icetwin was safely across the country. Stacy breathes, "The same thing?" Dawn nods. However, the hair in the box was actually Gordo's, who left it as a "fuck you" to Stacy. Veronica then hands the Dean a blown-up picture of the board in the basement, adding, "I don't think you want that getting into the Hearst brochure." From the way the Dean's pursing her lips and squinting at you, Veronica, it's just as well for your scholarship chances that you took off your nametag. (I just want to say how good a job I think Alia Shawkat did with this part. Not that I didn't completely enjoy Michael Cera, because I did, and that kid's comic timing is unbelievable. But one of the things I love about Maeby is the air of untouchability she projects. I mean, what other sixteen-year-old could pull off a job as a Hollywood exec? But here, she showed what happens when her aura of invincibility is ripped from her. She's mad as hell, but she's also deeply sad in a very understated way. I could be biased, of course, because I already loved her, but it's great to see such presence from her. Anyway.)
In the courtyard, Dean bids farewell to his charges, and Wallace enthuses about Hearst. Veronica's not completely convinced, but is warming to the idea. Speaking of which, Icetwin joins them and says that the charges were dropped; he thanks Veronica, saying she's a real friend. Veronica: "How about we just call me an acquaintance with reservations?" Call it what you want, Veronica, but if you don't stay in touch I'm going to be pissed. Icetwin good-naturedly bids them farewell, clapping Wallace on the shoulder as he goes. (It's the little things, you know?) Dean comes up to tell Veronica and Wallace that the Pi Sigs got a semester of probation, which means no mixers, no parties, and no sports. Oh dear. Without those activities, the school had better start offering "Sublimating Homosexuality 101" immediately to pick up the slack. Dean adds that it was because of Veronica's picture, and Wallace points out that if she comes to Hearst year, she'll already have enemies. You just get more and more fluent in Veronica every episode, Wallace. Dean bails.
Frat house. Stacy is waiting in the main room when Gordo appears, saying he heard she wanted to see him. Stacy takes out his hair in a plastic bag and tosses it into the ceiling fan, spraying it all over. Kind of goofy, but whatever therapy works for you.
Neptune High. Hannah and the track team march through the parking lot, and Hannah sees Logan waiting for her. He blurts out the deal he made with her dad, and Hannah says she figured as much, but asks if that was Logan's plan all along. He admits it -- thank GOD, because I didn't want that debate to rage on forever -- and Hannah neutrally asks if he wants forgiveness. Logan takes a deep breath and says he does. Hannah's face softens, and Logan, realizing what that means, takes her head in his hands. Careful with that, Logan -- you already broke something of hers. I could analyze why Logan's so keen for Hannah to forgive him, but when Jason Dohring's already done it for me, why bother?
Chez Mars. Veronica arrives home, and explains that she's early because she ditched the goodbye hugging. Keith: "You? 'Miss Hug'?" No need for sarcasm, Keith. She simply doesn't understand why people squeeze her with their bodies. Keith starts to suggest that Veronica take a nap when there's a knock at the door, which is too bad, because I would have loved to see Keith in "Get Veronica Out Of Here By Any Means Necessary" mode a little longer. Veronica opens the door, and it's Daphne, asking for Keith. Veronica: "Dad. Your hooker's here." Don't call his escort a hooker, Veronica. Keith says as much, and suggests that she go to her room and "blog, or whatever you kids do." Keith, I'm not sure you want Veronica blogging about this. Lamb really might win the election as a result. Anyway, Keith has no sooner taken the escort's hooker chic fur coat before Cliff pops out from the other room. Daphne knows she's busted, so she admits that a guy offered her triple her normal rate to pick up Cliff and swipe his briefcase. I wonder if she got some candy out of the deal as well. She doesn't know the guy's name, but she gave him the briefcase in the garage and left. They let Daphne go, but Cliff calls that he thought what they had was real. Daphne: "Just the welts, honey." Cliff's face falls, probably because he knows he should have just ripped off his shirt and been all, "Take a good look, because it's the last time you're gonna see these!" Maybe he just didn't want to make the forum posters cry.
Tegan and Sara's "I Know I Know I Know" kicks up as Hannah and Logan get busy in his suite. It's pretty hot -- certainly more so than his coldly clinical sessions with Kendall. Anyway, interspersed with their fooling around are shots of a headless man approaching their door (and they make a big point of showing that the penthouse is on the twelfth floor, which conflicts with any reasonable guess of Cliff's financial means). Said man takes a keycard out of his pocket, and the door opens as Hannah's hymen breathes a sigh of relief. Not so the rest of her, as some hotel guy has let her dad in. He orders Hannah to get dressed, not that she isn't automatically doing so, because the only thing unsexier than being caught in flagrante by your parents is the reverse. Griffith says that Logan's lucky he doesn't kill him. Funny, isn't it -- it occurs to me that Griffith had no guarantee that Logan wouldn't do exactly this once Griffith dropped the charges. He was simply counting on Logan to be a douchebag, and it's kind of unlucky for him that he missed such a solid bet. Logan emotionally tells Griffith not to talk to Hannah that way, and then adds the groanworthy line, "There's nothing you can do that will stop me from seeing her." The only positive is that events will soon cause him to think twice before ever saying that sentence again. Anyway, Griffith hauls Hannah out of there.
Keith is giving Veronica the soft sell on staying in Neptune, but Veronica isn't having it. Looking to change the subject, she glances at the Freedom Essay assignment and asks what Keith knows about plastic explosives. Keith says that if you're licensed, legitimate uses include construction, mining, and demolition. Veronica looks at him pointedly and repeats, "Demolition," and if she didn't know that you use explosives to blow things up, maybe Hearst is out of her league anyway.
Neptune High. Wallace grinningly tells Veronica that he got the scholarship.
Elsewhere, Logan asks one of Hannah's friends where she is, and she tells him that Griffith shipped her off to boarding school in Vermont. Logan looks distraught, but hey, it's better than a suicidal blood clot.
Construction site. A hard-hat-sporting Veronica is interviewing the foreman. Presumably she told him she was there for the Navigator. He mentions C4, and Veronica plays dumb, so he shows her what it looks like, and VMVO tells us it's exactly the same stuff she saw in the airplane hangar. The foreman yells at a "Danny," and when we see who he's talking to...well, I'll leave it to the VMVO: "Is it just a coincidence that Danny Boyd works here?" Well, I will point out that I called him being in construction. VMVO goes on: "Or do I now have to add the Fitzpatricks to the list of people who could have framed Terrence Cook? Or even crashed the bus?" I'm not sure you want an answer, but it's YES, and I'm even less sure you want some editorializing, but ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Veronica and Boyd lock eyes, so you can bet that something is on.