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Oh, is it my turn yet? Because the previouslies lasted approximately as long as the Cretaceous Period. Okay. Keith goes to Lamb and tells him about the explosives, and Lamb treats Keith with the usual level of respect. Lamb does, however, search the hangar, and upon finding the explosives, issues a warrant for Cook's arrest. The situation is compounded when Cook gets shot by Miss Dumas's dad. Meanwhile, Veronica takes a moment to give Logan shit for what he's doing with Hannah, but Logan doesn't have much time for her, as Haaron appears on a television exposé to point the finger at Duncan for Lilly's murder. This story smears the entire Echolls family, conveniently turning the town against Logan even more than supposedly happened over the summer. Cliff, who's still defending Logan, pops up to tell him that the DA has strangely offered a big plea bargain, but it would still mean jail time, so Logan turns it down. Veronica, too, is busy, as Wallace's girlfriend Jane's sister is supposed to be getting married to some rich dude, but she pulls a Runaway Bride, or so it seems, so Jane asks Veronica for help. Also, Kendall and Beaver are making money and evil together, but Kendall strikes out on her own to solicit money from Haaron using Monty Python references and a very disturbing version of phone sex. Logan ups the evil ante by faking an email from Hannah's mom to her dad. Evil meets evil when Kendall tries to sell Logan real estate, but when Hannah's dad comes over to talk terms with Logan, Kendall takes a hair sample from Logan's shower. One can only guess that it's not her own. Griffith tells Logan he'll make his testimony go away if Logan ceases and desists with Hannah. Veronica's investigation takes her to Vinnie Vanlowe -- who, it turns out, was hired by the bridegroom to...get the engagement ring back? Okay. In the end, Logan asks Veronica for help. Can smooches be far behind? Actually, they probably can. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Like sands through the hourglass, so go the days of these previouslies. Seriously, I started cracking up about halfway through, because come on. On the plus side for me as a recapper, the action only starts almost three minutes in, according to my DVR. But seriously, I mean, do they think they've got anyone watching who doesn't know who Lilly Kane is? Even Guy Pearce's character in Memento is like, "Dude, I get it." So, moving on.
Keith is asking Veronica whether she definitely saw explosives in the hangar. Veronica says yes, no doubt running through a mental list of fortysomething baseball stars that might make a good replacement man-crush for her dad. Unfortunately, the list of those who could hold a candle to Cook in the looks department is rather short. She adds that they were marked "C4," and hesitantly offers that it's possible Cook has a legitimate use for them. Keith: "Trout fishing?" God, I just saw the South Park episode where Stan's uncle takes the boys camping and uses grenades to blast the fish. I wonder if this is the show's way of telling us that Scuzzle-butt blew up the bus. Keith asks whether anyone else knows about this, and Veronica tells him Jackie was there but didn't see anything. That time. Veronica asks Keith what he's going to do, and the answer is get dressed...
...and we cut to Lamb asking Keith to repeat himself. Keith tells Lamb about the explosives, and Lamb is all skeptical, even though this validates his earlier arrest of Cook. On a completely unrelated note, do you guys think that Lamb might enjoy being contrary with Keith?
A graphic for The Tinseltown Diaries accosts us as a somber male voice informs us that they'll be chronicling "the rise and fall of one of Hollywood's brightest stars." I have to admit that I braced myself here, because I expected to see some serious couch abuse, and that's a sensitive subject for me. But no, the subject is actually Haaron. He apparently was both a choir boy and a Cub Scout, and I was hoping to get an inkling into what his aggressive heterosexuality might be overcompensating for, but no such luck. They call him a "megastar" as they show a still shot from Clash Of The Titans, which hee, and then a montage ensues of tabloid headings, mug shots, and bad Photoshop. There follows a clip from a prison interview in which Haaron swears that he didn't kill Lilly, and then we pan out from the TV to see Dick and Logan watching the show in Logan's suite. Logan asks Dick to switch the channel. I suppose after watching every graphic moment of your dad nailing your girlfriend, this could be a bit of an, um, anticlimax. Dick displays his usual level of sensitivity in refusing to comply with Logan's request, and the narrator goes on to say that the other members of the Echolls family have sordid lives and are an "endless source of tabloid fodder." Dick cuts in to note how lean Haaron looks: "Probably all those tossed salads, huh?" Yeah, I hear they've even won trophies. We hear about Haaron's infidelity, Lynn's suicide, Trina's "terminal illness," and Logan's bum fights. And now I find myself wishing the previouslies had been even longer. I mean, don't I do enough hyperlink research as it is? Anyway, Dick laughs at the spectacle of it all, but Logan looks upset as the camera closes in and the narrator goes on about how Logan, like his dad, is awaiting trial.
We pan back out to see that Hannah and her mom are also watching the program. Hannah's mom is all, "That's who you're dating?" Jeez, Ms. Griffith, take it easy on the overparenting. Hannah doesn't reply as the interviewer asks Haaron about the sex tapes, the existence of which Haaron denies. He advances the theory that Duncan is the killer, and if they were going to show so many previouslies that even veteran viewers of The X-Files are all, "You might want to chill with that," they might have included the clip of a catatonic Duncan holding a bloody Lilly in his hands. Or, better yet, the part where Haaron basically confessed to Veronica that he killed Lilly, so that people on the boards wouldn't be so confused. (I mean, it's in character and makes dramatic sense for Haaron to try to obfuscate here, but HE DID IT. Watch the scene in "Leave It To Beaver" again.)
Now we're in Java The Hut, where Veronica's listlessly watching the show while holding several cups of coffee on a tray. Jane comes up and politely informs Veronica that she's holding Jane's table's drinks. Veronica: "And you want me to bring them to you versus watching them get cold from across the room." That was amazing, Veronica but how come you could never do that with Duncan? Anyway, Jane and Veronica stop to watch Jane's sister, "Heidi," hamming it up while singing "I Want You To Want Me." Considering that her sartorial choices make her look like a cross between Stevie Nicks and Sporty Spice, I think the desire expressed in the song is likely to go unfulfilled. Heidi is out with Jane and a bunch of friends for her bachelorette party, since she's getting married, to a "Paul Mann," who according to one of the friends belongs to some of the oldest money in Neptune. Veronica: "You mean like from the '80s?" Oh, Veronica, your snark is misplaced. Considering the disaster unfolding on stage, it's the '70s you should be knocking.
Anyway, Heidi thankfully finishes up and joins her friends, and one of them makes a comment about her engagement ring, which Donald Trump would probably have rejected as both too pricey and too tacky. It's like she put a quarter of a million dollars into one of those machines at the bowling alley, and this is what the claw grabbed for her. Veronica notes one of the friends Irishing up her coffee as Heidi explains that Java The Hut is the first stop in a night of "no-holds-barred bacchanalia." will be a quick trip to H&R Block to pick up stressed-out accountants in need of some quick release. Jane hands Veronica a paper with "Bachelorette Scavenger Hunt" instructions on it, as we learn that Heidi has talked a man out of his underwear. One hopes that he will have less regret tomorrow about that decision than Molly Ringwald did. Veronica: "All righty then! If you wind up getting to #8, be sure and bring mouthwash." Bad luck -- I used an entire bottle up just thinking about the "tossed salad" comment.
Hangar. Keith anxiously waits until Lamb comes out from searching with a bomb-squad member in tow, who's carrying a barrel of something. Lamb: "Oh, you looky-loos, with your police-band radios and free time." Geez, Lamb, you make me...I mean, "it" sound so cheap. Keith asks whether it was, in fact, C4 in the container. Lamb says that Keith will have to wait for the press conference just like everyone else. (Sometime later, Keith is going to wonder how he got a certain Bob Marley song stuck in his head.) When Lamb's gone, Keith notices a truck with the sign "Magic Touch Custom Auto Detailing" on the door. The driver's destination seems to be the hangar, but he's turned away by a deputy.
Neptune High. Veronica's walking down the hall when Jane catches her and tells her that Heidi's missing. I'm left to wonder why no one seems to think this is good news as we go to opening credits.
Neptune High. Apparently, Jane has waited until she and Veronica have gotten their lunch and settled at an outdoor table to tell Veronica the details of Heidi's disappearance. That seems to conflict with her breathless attitude in the hallway, but it could be that Veronica values cafeteria fries more than she does Heidi's life, and after that first scene, I can't say as I blame her. Anyway, Heidi got dropped off at 2 in the morning -- which, I'd point out, is about when Bacchus starts his day -- and she missed her final dress fitting at 10. Upshot: Heidi's not at her place, no one's seen her, and her cell phone goes straight to voicemail. Jane adds that her mom checked the hospitals, to no avail, and then Wallace arrives to tell us basically that Heidi is a big bimbo, a comment by which Jane looks mildly offended but doesn't exactly deny. Jane says that she doesn't want Heidi to ruin her life, and that they have to find Heidi before her fiancé and his family find out she's gone, and plus, the wedding is in three days.
Sheriff's office. Lamb is giving a live press conference, saying that a warrant has been issued for Cook's arrest on eight counts of murder in the first degree. I guess that means that he's being charged with Meg's death, though it seems like you could argue that count should only be attempted murder. I mean, if she died from injuries sustained in the crash, that would be one thing, but considering the way in which her death was presented, it seems like my old friend Contrivance should at least bear some of the blame here. Lamb goes on to say that the explosives found in the hangar Cook was renting match the type used in the bus crash, and self-congratulatorily tells the reporters Cook won't get away. You'd think he'd want to apologize to poor Jessie for all the financial and emotional hell his "investigative" "work" caused her and her family, but I have a feeling Lamb has to have an awfully selective memory to have any professional pride at all.
Keith's cell phone rings, which is a welcome distraction from all the credit Lamb isn't giving him, and Veronica asks him to run Heidi's phone records, credit cards, and the like before expressing sympathy about Cook. They hang up, and Veronica looks across the courtyard to see Logan and Hannah being all couply. Veronica's face is all, "NOT," and who can blame her? I mean, these two are so obviously doomed that the forum posters haven't even bothered to give them a portmanteau name. Logan asks whether he should come over after school. Hannah: "The words out of your mouth are 'come over,' but all I hear you saying is 'Let's have sex.'" I wonder how she got hold of Weevil's Logan-to-English dictionary. Logan banters with her...
...and then we're at Logan's locker, which he closes to reveal Veronica to us. "Toying with a sweet little girl's heart just to screw with her dad?" asks Veronica. "You've really plumbed new depths, Logan." Well, not quite -- I mean, he hasn't, um, "come over" quite yet. Logan calls Veronica out for being jealous, which from her reaction might be a tiny bit true, although presumably the jealousy is related to all the making out and not to Hannah's being used as a naïve pawn in a sick, twisted game. Of course, with Logan, those two are kind of like horse and carriage.
Java The Hut. Veronica is interviewing Heidi's friends. She learns that Heidi had an ex-boyfriend's name tattooed on her ass after they'd been going out for a week, and had it removed after two. You certainly don't expect the end of so short a relationship to be quite that painful. Another friend says that Paul thinks he's marrying "the last nice girl," so apparently all his money hasn't been used to buy IQ points, experience with women, or really, a clue of any kind. Other points: one of the friends lost her cell phone; they went to a male strip club called "Packaged Meat," like, way to be redundant; and there was a guy stalking Heidi at the "Happy Horseshoe" whom she had the bouncers kick out. None of them saw him, though, and the camera that they were all using throughout the evening is in Heidi's possession. VMVO: "Thank you, ladies, for all your help." The VMVO is out of practice, and it shows.
Jane answers her bell to find Veronica. Turns out they're at Heidi's, which looks like a tornado hit it, if you'll allow me to turn into my mother for a second. Veronica thinks Heidi's place having been ransacked isn't a good thing, but Jane blithely tells her that it always looks like that, and sarcastically notes how easy it will be to find the camera. Veronica notes two wineglasses out, one of which has a large piece missing from it, and asks Jane whether she's sure Heidi wasn't expecting company. The answer is yes -- Jane knows that Heidi probably just forgot that she'd dispensed a glass already when she poured the second one -- and besides, her sister double-fisting or breaking a glass doesn't exactly warrant a banner headline. Jane also notices that Heidi left her cell-phone charger, but when Veronica asks whether she can tell if Heidi packed a bag, Jane is all, "I'm not Miss Marple, and it wouldn't even help if I were, so are we done here? Good." Subtext can be fun!
Some guy in a suit gets off an elevator and says hello to Kendall's rack, and she and Beaver get on. Inside, Kendall asks "Boss" how they're doing, and Beaver tells her he's got six more properties added to the Phoenix Land Trust portfolio. He's gotten some tremendous deals, but they're out of capital, so they need to find new revenue streams. Kendall pointedly says that all of the investors believe that Big Dick is pulling the strings, and given that she's probably right, I can't believe the government isn't watching this company like hawks. Also, since Kendall's fronting the company, I wonder exactly how she dealt with those investors. She probably walked into the pitch meeting and tossed her bra at them, which would have been both a clever play on words and clearly her most efficacious strategy. Kendall wants to buy the Kane house (which is going up for sale), despite Beaver's opinion that all the deals are in South Neptune, the place where even pizza boys fear to tread. On the plus side, I could see that real estate in South Neptune could really take off once the writers decide that class warfare is no longer the story they want to tell. Beaver and Kendall snark about bimbosity and breast size, and then Kendall ups her cradle-robbing vibe to a new level as she flirtatiously asks Beaver whether he's ever considered that her "delightful packaging" is "a means to outwitting [her] adversary." Well, I hadn't, but I have to admit that it sounds more plausible now that I know that she knows what "adversary" means. Beaver, though, is ahead of the curve as usual: "Consider it? I'm bankin' on it." Kendall balks for a second, but then asks whether he's considered that he's her adversary, and adds that her name's on everything. Beaver smiles with an "It's cute that you think brain function and breast size are at all related" expression, and agrees.
Cliff! At the Neptune Grand, he's telling Logan that his trial date is set -- sixty days hence. Logan casually wonders what he should wear. Cliff adds, however, that the DA is offering a one-time plea bargain to involuntary manslaughter, which would bring Logan's maximum sentence down from eleven years to four: "With good behavior, if you could muster some, you'd be out in half that." So, four years, then. Logan's unimpressed, and he and Cliff bicker about Griffith and the Tinseltown diaries. "Jurors love convicting smug rich boys," says Cliff. "It's a fact." Well, it's true that in "One Angry Veronica," they did eventually vote to convict the rich boys, but I wouldn't say people were loving what was going on in the jury room. And I'm talking about the jurors, but if you've seen the episode, you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise. Cliff adds that he's asked around: "No one likes you." It must be hard to get by in today's world without the internet. Logan makes the point that even if he had stabbed Felix, it would have been self-defense, since he was first jumped by the PCHers. Cliff agrees that that's the indicated defense, but that it may not be enough to counter Griffith's testimony. Logan flatly tells Cliff there'll be no deal, and Cliff snarks, "Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirt." Hee. I'd like to know why the DA is making this offer if he feels his witness testimony is so strong, though. If I knew his handle, it might make more sense.
Some café. Veronica exposits to Wallace some stuff she would have told him already about how Heidi's cards were maxed out, so she hit three different ATMs in an hour and made the maximum withdrawal at each. Oy, so Heidi's financially irresponsible too. Lovely. I mean, maybe her fiancé could be snowed about her relative purity, but you'd think someone so rich would at least have ordered a credit check. Wallace wonders if someone could have forced Heidi to withdraw the money, but Veronica says that they shouldn't freak out yet. When they come across Heidi's car seemingly abandoned in the parking lot, however, they decide that it might indeed be time to freak shit.
Back from break, Veronica frustratedly hangs up her phone and tells Wallace that the sheriff's department won't do anything until the forty-eight-hour waiting period is up. (There's apparently no such waiting period in California, I should add, but I can believe the idiot deputy that answered the phone wouldn't care.) Veronica gets some better news, though, when she uses a crowbar to open the front door and finds the disposable camera. She did this in plain sight of anyone in the parking lot, of course, so it's nice that the incompetence and laziness of local law can work in her favor as well as against it.
Keith goes to see the guy from Magic Touch who was trying to get into Cook's hangar. Keith explains who he is, and the guy -- who's not a bad-looking specimen himself -- says that Cook has him detail all Cook's cars once a month. There are eight of them now, down from forty, and I wonder if the Maserati and the Porsche eye each other nervously, wondering who's going time Cook loses big at the tables. I guess it goes without saying that the Bronco rests easy. Keith establishes that the guy goes into the explosives cabinet during every visit, and when he was there a month ago, the explosives weren't there. Moreover, the guy would have found them on this visit, so Keith is thinking that the explosives were there as a setup job to frame Cook, and that Veronica simply happened across them early. At least, that's what I'm guessing from the goofy "I KNEW my man would never do something like that!" grin on Keith's face.
Jane examines the photos as Veronica gives her the results of Keith's searches: Heidi got two short calls just before three the morning she disappeared, and the ATM transactions happened roughly half an hour later. The bad news is that the phone number from which the calls originated is no longer in service, and according to Keith's "friend" at the phone company, it never was. Jane finally finds the guy she's looking for (or at least some of him, since his head's cut off, but she recognizes his bright orange shirt). Veronica: "Is that a bowling shirt?" I guess with Rob Thomas's...er, "Veronica's" obsession withThe Big Lebowski, this was bound to happen. Not that I don't love bowling, because I do. I'm just not that much of a Dude about it.
Okay, brace yourselves. Kendall is visiting Haaron in prison, and they're talking on the phone while staring at each other through the glass. Kendall says she's there to tempt Haaron, and Haaron leers, "Mission accomplished." If the writers are trying to tell us that only people with a wanton disregard for life use that two-word expression, it's just another reason why I love them. Haaron asks for clarification of the nature of the temptation. Kendall promises "huge tracts of land," and her esteem is steadily growing in my eyes if she can use a Monty Python reference to describe her enormous assets both so wittily and so succinctly. After some more flirting and double entendres that make me glad I can't see below Haaron's beltline at the moment, Kendall offers him the chance to be richer. I'd think Haaron's assets are frozen, but I'd be willing to believe he could gain access to quite a bit of dough one way or the other. Anyway, he cottons on that Kendall needs money, and agrees to help, but does his best Hannibal Lecter as he breathes, "Quid pro quo." Given the lack of subtlety in Haaron's flirting, I think he's a lot closer to Miggs at the moment. I certainly don't doubt that they both have a keenly honed ability to smell certain things in common. Kendall, for her part, displays her prime real estate as much as possible, but because it's network TV, Haaron needs a bit more, and asks if she knows Logan. Kendall's delivery of "We've...met," is both shameless and hilarious, and Haaron tells her perhaps she could find a reason to stop by his hotel room. Kendall is all okay, sure, I guess, and Haaron laughs lasciviously. Aw, father and son are going to revisit their favorite activity -- sharing a woman. Meeeeemories!
In a convenience store, Logan gets disapproving looks from a couple of Latino kids.
Cut to outside, where the kids ride by on their bikes, and one of them hocks a loogie right in Logan's face. He looks bummed, although I think it's less that he's developing a sense of right and wrong and more that he thinks poverty is transmissible through bodily fluids.
Logan's now on a couch with Hannah. She notices his sulky mood, and when she calls him on it, he says he's fine. She tells him he's lying, and gives him a titty twister as punishment. Poor, naïve girl, thinking he's not enjoying that. They giggle-wrestle until Hannah's mom comes in and asks to see Hannah in the kitchen for a moment. One guesses that she hasn't changed her mind about Logan, given that she looks ready to spit at Logan as well. Only the projectile will be not so much "saliva" as "nails." Hannah introduces Logan, who asks to use Ms. Griffith's computer, saying he wants to check some fantasy scores, but presumably actually to look for advice on the question of what to do if your girlfriend's mother's hatred for you is so strong that she's singeing your eyebrows from a distance of ten feet.
But no, Logan's faking an email from Hannah's mom to her dad, saying she found some condoms in Hannah's room, and that they need to talk. Score another one for Logan, so to speak.
In the kitchen, Hannah asks her mom how she can disapprove of Logan; she doesn't even know him. Honey, if everyone were held to that standard, our reality forums would need a much less powerful server. Hannah's mom brings up the bum fights, and Hannah calls her judgmental, and all I can say is that if you're going to pull this "us against the world" crap, you'd better be sure that the other half of your "us" isn't completely obsessed with "me." Hannah's mom: "He's a phony. He's ugly on the inside, all he wants from you is sex, and he's gonna break your heart." Hannah, needless to say, disagrees, and while that was probably a foregone conclusion, at least Hannah's mother didn't half-ass her future reason for saying "I told you so." Logan enters, pretending not to have heard the last part of the conversation. He crows about his fantasy results -- which are more aptly named than usual, in this case -- and then offers to take out the garbage for Ms. Griffith. She reluctantly and silently hands it over, and at least Hannah doesn't make me sick by being all, "See? SEE?" at her mother. You don't want to give her an opening to bring up Logan's relationship with trash.
Bowling! Veronica asks a guy behind the desk for help, and he directs her to the lane with the shirts in question. VMVO: "The One-Eyed Ducks, perennial champs, Lane 5." After a quick survey, Veronica spots the guy who fits the body in the photograph, who's up taking his turn. He strikes, and then falls to the ground in celebration. In case you can't smell the exact cut of ham this is, it's Vinnie Vanlowe, last seen transporting Duncan and baby Lilly to an unknown destination in Mexico. Veronica watches, amused, and then Vinnie sees her and gives her a small salute. And what I learned from this scene is that when you see the guy who most immediately reminds you of the love of your life from whom fate so cruelly separated you, the resultant emotional reaction is best conveyed with a wry smile.
Vinnie gets a beer and offers Veronica one, since it's dollar draft night. Veronica: "Vinnie, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules." She asks him what he can tell her...he cuts her off, saying "Nothing," and I'm in shock that he didn't tell her to "mark it zero." They are at a league game, after all. Vinnie claims that Heidi's name doesn't ring a bell, but Veronica speculates that Vinnie was doing a "little pre-nup background check," so I hope one of Heidi's many uses of her maxed credit cards didn't come at the tattoo parlor. Er, two of those many uses, I should say. Anyway, Vinnie is totally unforthcoming, citing PI-client privilege, and calling Veronica "Curious Georgette" before going back to his game, frustrating her. He's not wrong, Veronica. He's just an asshole.
Outside her house, Hannah calls Logan on hearing what her mom said, and tells him to ignore her, since she's bitter about the divorce and thinks all men are evil. Logan tries to play the "maybe she's right" card, causing Hannah to suggest a visit to his place. Logan jokingly turns around her line about hearing "let's have sex," but Hannah doesn't blink, causing Logan to stammer, "That sounds...good." I doubt it, in more ways than one.
Lamb enters the sheriff's station to find Keith waiting for him. After a little snark, Keith tells Lamb what he learned from the detailing guy, and asks why Cook would have kept the explosives around at all, much less in a place where they were sure to be found. Lamb breezes, "Valid questions. I'll be sure and ask him once he gets out of surgery." Turns out Miss Dumas's father shot Cook when he caught him breaking into the family home in San Francisco: "Strange behavior for an innocent man, doncha think?" I'll point out that it's stranger behavior for a guilty one on the lam, but only because Keith has lost every verbal round with Lamb this episode, and I'm starting to feel sorry for him.
Mr. Pope is telling his class that the latest poll shows 57% support for Neptune's incorporation. Pope asks what the effects will be, and responses include an actual police department, private beaches, and the rich getting richer. Those answers, by the way, belong to Dick, Veronica, and Beaver, and I've mixed up the order just in case you want to match the person to the response, which is a little puzzle that's only slightly easier than a three-letter jumble. Pope dims the lights, and as he does so, Hannah walks by and blows Logan a kiss, which he catches. Veronica expresses her disgust, and I'm with her. I mean, I try to keep an open mind about these things, but I'm really feeling the HetNay on this one. Pope uses Palo Alto as an example of a town that incorporated to the detriment of its population diversity, effectively "put[ting] up a wall between the economic classes." Hate to break it to you, Sam, but you're not exactly dissuading certain members of this crowd here. Pope says that the quick result was an "ultra-rich center surrounded by the crime capital of America," and the ultimate result was that property values in the city skyrocketed while land in the outlying areas became worthless. Beaver looks up inscrutably, so whether this is all part of his plan is unclear, but if not, Kendall's going to be working overtime with the investors on damage control. Especially since her tracts of land will be the only ones still worth anything. Pope then tells the class that Beaver has extended his lead in the stock-market game they're playing, and given the ironic music that accompanies Pope's statement that Beaver has "true business acumen," I'm going to guess that (a) no, Beaver did not see coming the effect incorporation would have on his land, and furthermore, (b) his side of the room suddenly doesn't smell very good.
In the hallway, Veronica answers her phone, and Keith tells her that Heidi's cell phone showed two calls that morning to her fiancé. Veronica speculates that Heidi might just be hiding from her family, and might answer her phone if she didn't recognize the caller ID. Keith tells her that the explanation in these cases is always cold feet, and Veronica hangs up by way of answering and tries Heidi's number. She gets a fax tone, puzzling her...
...and then Jane's answering the door for Veronica, who asks whether Heidi has a fax machine. Jane says yes, and starts looking around, even though if this is the same apartment, Jane obviously worked such a miracle on it that she should be canonized immediately after she dies. Anyway, Veronica tells Jane that Heidi's phone and fax must be on the same line, so I guess the calls Veronica mentioned much earlier were on the land line. Jane says that the line has been switched to fax since Heidi's been gone, and Veronica speculates that someone must have tried to send Heidi something while the phone was on, causing Heidi to switch over to fax mode for the second attempt. Veronica successfully retrieves a copy of the fax from the machine's memory, which is a tour schedule for a band called "XLR8." Jane says that Heidi's old boyfriend Nick is in that band, and what's more, he's the one whose name Heidi had removed from her ass. There's a note on the flyer saying, "Babe -- I need to see you." Heidi, it's okay to forgive him, but do us all a favor and think twice before turning the other cheek.
Bar. VMVO tells us that the tattoo removal was three years ago, adding, "You can laser a guy's name off your ass, but I wonder if you can ever cut him out of your heart." I would have thought so, but given that they couldn't even get that horrible voice-over out of the script, maybe excision in general is a lot tougher than I realize. Veronica shows the bouncer the flyer, and he points across the street...
...and then Veronica's knocking at the band's tour bus as VMVO says she's in some town I never heard of. Also, she doesn't seem to have her car, so maybe it's still in the shop? Some Deadhead-looking dude opens the door...
...and moments later, Veronica's in the back of the bus, where she discovers Heidi with a good-looking guy who's ostensibly Nick. Veronica asks what gives as we head into the last commercial break.
Veronica's sitting with the couple now, and Heidi makes disbelieving comments to the effect that Veronica is "twelve" and "a barista." Veronica brushes away Heidi's rudeness to lecture her about how worried her family's been, but Heidi snots some more before saying that the wedding's off: Paul ran back to his old flame. It's too bad most bands don't have a violinist, because this would be his cue. Heidi adds that she came to see Nick because his mom's in bad shape and he needed her. That's so touching. I'm sure Nick's mom is just shedding a tear of joy, in between all the tears of pain caused by the chemotherapy she's enduring alone because her idiot son is acting in his own version of Almost Famous...Not So Much. Anyway, Heidi called Paul to tell him where she was, but he didn't call back, and then she got a text message from her friend Kim saying that she saw Paul leaving his ex's place at dawn. Veronica asks Nick how he sent the fax from an unlisted phone number, and Nick confesses that he didn't so much do that. What's more, Kim is the one who lost her phone, so she didn't send the text message. Veronica says that Vinnie was behind the fake messages, and Heidi asks why...
...and we're outside on the grounds of a lovely estate, where several people are wondering what would happen if they gave a wedding and the bride didn't come. But that's not to be, as Heidi comes rushing up with Veronica holding her train. The minister or justice or whatever looks psyched, but the groom-not-to-be looks like he just swallowed a lemon. A bug-filled, rotting lemon. A snooty rich couple that must be Paul's parents look at each other with consternation, and then Paul asks where Heidi's been. Heidi breezes that they have a lifetime for stories, but Paul isn't having it: "If I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have got a nipple pierced." Well, I appreciate the reference, but I think he's talking about this Tawny Kitaen, when these days I think all we're likely to see is this Tawny Kitaen. In other words, just as well you saved the nipple, dude. Paul snots he doesn't want someone who's "sexed up every wannabe rock star in Southern California." Heidi fakes being wounded as she asks how he can say that to her: "Like I would ever sex up a drummer." Okay, Heidi just went up a little in my book, if only because of this. (And this, for that matter.) Veronica laughs, remembering poor sweet loser Deputy Leo, and eventually Paul starts to say that he wants to break it off, but his dad cries, "No!" Heidi explains to everyone watching that everything that happened was an elaborate ruse designed to get her to break off the engagement so that she would be forced to give the ring back, as is done in polite society. Like that applies to anyone here except Jane and (sometimes) Veronica. Heidi adds that if Paul had just straight-up broken things off, she would have returned the ring, but now she's keeping it as payment for the two years she wasted "trying to convince [Paul] [she] was worthy." Heidi grandly tells everyone to enjoy the reception, and then leads Jane away while loudly and tackily wondering if pawn shops are open on Saturdays. She leaves behind an embarrassed, rich, WASP-y family, so it's just the luckiest thing that a reception with five thousand bottles of booze is a hop, skip, and a jump away.
Neptune Grand. Kendall has just wound up a pitch to Logan about her company. Logan: "I'm confused. You're talking, and your clothes are on." Haven't been able to say this much lately, but: with you there, sport. Logan's not interested, anyway, so Kendall admits defeat, but asks to use the bathroom. There's a knock at the door as Kendall makes herself scarce, and Logan answers the door to find Dr. Griffith, who tells him that he's won.
Kendall sneaks into Duncan's room -- which apparently hasn't been cleared of his stuff -- and heads for his shower. She kneels down to the drain, takes out a pair of tweezers, and removes some hair. You all probably don't need me to tell you that she could just as easily be grabbing her own hair as Duncan's, which would be fucking hilarious. Also, I'd complain about the lack of cleaning by the hotel staff, but this isn't the first time the Grand's guest services have disappeared in service of a contrived plot point.
Back in the suite, Kendall strides out, notes Griffith, and bids Logan farewell by kissing her finger and touching his lips. Logan's aware enough to use this moment to his advantage with Griffith, which I have to admit is awesome, if twisted and evil. Kendall leaves, and Logan and Griffith bicker with each other a bit, although it's notable that Logan calls Griffith a cokehead and Griffith doesn't deny it. It doesn't mean Logan didn't plant the drugs Hannah found, but it does mean that the part about Griffith using coke is true. Griffith, barely managing to contain his rage, says that his testimony will go away if Logan stays away from Hannah. Logan, possibly finally realizing just how deep a game it is that he's playing, nods almost imperceptibly, and Griffith storms out.
Java The Hut. Veronica comes across Vinnie, who tells her that she cost him a five-grand bonus. Veronica asks if he was going to buy a new jacket, which is hilarious, given that he's wearing the Members Only atrocity. Vinnie: "And give up the cheap women? Not likely." Veronica asks for Kim's cell phone back, explaining that she called Vinnie and left a threatening message. I don't know what threat would be most effective with Vinnie, but I'd bet anything having to do with talking to his ex-girlfriends would be right up there. Veronica does tell him that he's a halfway-decent PI before going over to Wallace (he was in this episode?) and Jane's table and handing Jane the phone. Jane informs Veronica that Heidi went back on tour with Nick, and Wallace asks her how it feels to play Cupid. Veronica says it's uncomfortable, which I can imagine, since Jeremy Piven leaves some awfully big shoes to fill. Jane makes a comment about true love, and Veronica says that if it comes looking for her, she'll be over by the espresso machine. She doesn't get that far, however, as Logan enters and says he knows she's busy, but "I think I've done something horrible." Kristen Bell shows her acting chops by getting Veronica to look genuinely surprised and concerned as we fade out.