Blast From The Past

Wallace enters the Fennel home, apparently right after the point at which we left off last time. He's looking kind of upset, as will happen when you discover that you need a new transmission, and also that your dad is someone totally different than you thought. Alicia serves dinner as she says she was just about to come out to get Wallace, and I'm sure she'll be regretting that she didn't make something microwavable. Wallace drops the Nathan Woods bomb, and asks who was the man they buried in Cleveland (that's two questions answered, right there). Alicia tells him that was his dad, but Wallace isn't trying to hear that. He sits down on the couch for comfort, which is something I can get behind. Alicia approaches him deliberately and tells him that she and Woods got married when she was twenty-one, and that it's true that he was a narcotics detective, but that he went deep undercover on a big case, and started using drugs and stashing heroin and guns in their house. Well, Alicia, some women find that attractive. But maybe it's just when Kiefer does it. Alicia sits down and puts her arm around Wallace, and tells him that his real father is Hank Fennel. She goes to get Wallace's birth certificate from the cabinet in which Keith poked around last episode, but it isn't there. Alicia grits that she knows where it is; giving her a lightning rod for her anger here doesn't seem like the best idea for Keith's health. Not to mention the chances of his balls being any color but blue for quite some time to come. Alicia emotionally tells Wallace that Hank signed his name on Wallace's birth certificate the day he asked Alicia to marry him, which I guess means he formally adopted Wallace: "And that is who your father was. That's who he still is." Um, I hate to interrupt a nice moment here, but.... Anyway, Alicia hugs Wallace, but he still looks upset. Great work by both players here.

Homeroom. Veronica comes in and takes her seat to Wallace, who looks like Neptune just dropped its basketball program. Veronica sees his expression and asks if he's "got a sweet love hangover and you don't need no cure?" I think my guess was a little closer in tone. The homeroom teacher, who's the same guy from "M.A.D.," announces that Homecoming is upon them, and Veronica sighs, "Much like the plague." By the way, if you'd like to know three things about the actor who plays the homeroom teacher, according to his IMDbprofile, he is lactose-intolerant, went to Yale, and was on the U.S. World Team for fencing. That makes me want to see an episode wherein the teacher exchanges pithy witticisms with the evil CEO of the American Dairy Association during a duel. The teacher explains that each homeroom class will nominate one boy and one girl, and the top five vote-getters of each sex will comprise the "Royalty Court," from which the Homecoming King and Queen will be chosen. It would be cool if they gave everyone else different degrees of peerage. I'm not really sure what the actual duties of the Viscount of Homecoming would be, but given that the King and Queen are likely going to be 09ers, they'll be in a position to give out some pretty sweet royal grants. Veronica, noticing that Wallace is still down in the dumps, nominates him for Homecoming King. Aw.

In another homeroom class, Corny -- sitting behind Logan, who is in turn behind Jackie -- nominates Veronica, causing that 09er bizzotch Ashley to say that her ass would make a better Homecoming Queen. You'd think her parents' infidelity and divorce would have made her wit a little sharper. Corny stoner-dorks that Veronica is "smokin' hot," and Mandy pipes up, "Remember when she helped me find my dog?" I do, in fact, but that could have something to do with the fact that I wrote approximately ten thousand words about it. Mandy goes on to remind us that Veronica found Polly the Parrot as well, and from her tone and demeanor, I think the perception of Veronica as "smokin' hot" has officially crossed gender lines. A snarky comment from Logan does nothing to derail the Mandy Loves Veronica Train, as she tells Jackie that if Jackie ever needs any help, she should ask Veronica. Jackie laughs, all, "I'll keep that in mind," proving that, given later events, sarcasm is the mother of invention. Is there anything it can't do?

Outside, Wallace is sulking at a table when Jackie appears with another girl and fairly good-naturedly bitches about all the things you can't do at the Homecoming Dance. Her rather pretty friend says that the afterparty is really the point, and Jackie gushes that she's actually looking forward to the whole affair, but when she tries to get Wallace's attention, he bails to talk to Veronica. Jackie's friend babbles on about clothes, which is really all you can do when your friend is giving her boyfriend the Manson Lamps. We cut away before we get to see if gabbing about fashion can outlast seething hatred. And I was kind of curious, myself.

Veronica is repeating back the news that Wallace's "bio-dad" is some sort of "Donnie Brasco renegade cop." If that's the case, Wallace, make sure you never ask him to take off his shoes. Wallace asks Veronica to keep the information to herself just as Jackie appears, her death rays giving us an answer to our question. I wonder if her friend ran out of outlet stores to talk about and finally disintegrated into a fine powder. Jackie faux-happily asks if they're planning her surprise party. Veronica greets her evenly, but Jackie storms away, and Wallace runs after her to "take care of that." I hope you "took care" not to spend that two hundred bucks in one place, Wallace.

Mars Investigations. Veronica enters to find some foul-smelling posters of Keith's, and Keith informs her that they were found in a dumpster downtown. Veronica: "At least Lamb has the sense not to use the dumpster behind the sheriff's department." Well, he probably wanted to go someplace with some cover. Being caught pissing into a dumpster would have been counterproductive for the election effort, and I'm sure Lamb is self-aware enough to know he wouldn't be able to resist. Keith crows about the twelve-point lead he has in the polls; with that kind of margin, it sounds like the result of the election is the most foregone conclusion since Dewey defeated Truman. Keith adds that he doesn't need to roll around in the mud with Lamb. And here I thought they cared about ratings. Veronica wonders if Keith needs a photographer from the Neptune Navigator who knows how to shoot his good side. Keith: "I got nothing but good sides, baby!" That's what the spoiler whores for this show say, too.

Sometime later, Veronica drops Cora back at her house with a comment that "outlet therapy is considerably better than retail therapy." I agree, even though that knowledge doesn't actually save me any money. But I take the philosophy of "spend more to save more" very seriously. Cora tells Veronica her dress is perfect. We'll judge that for ourselves, hon. Believe me. Once Cora's gone, Veronica calls Oh Boy Oh Pollo and poses as Neptune High's "Vocational Ed Coordinator" to get Cora's work schedule from the manager. Once done with that, she calls Jackie and says that Cora couldn't have stolen the card, so they're back to Square One. Nice try, Veronica, but I'm almost half done with this recap.

Neptune Grand. A staff member serves Veronica and Duncan dinner, so I guess Duncan's gotten over his aversion to room service. He thanks the staff member, "Carl," and I wonder if Carl's grunt of "Mm-hmm" is enough to earn him an SAG card. It seems like kind of a grey area. Veronica puts her arm around Duncan as she says it's weird he lives in the hotel, and she doesn't want him going all "Howard Hughes-y." Duncan jokes that his nails are trimmed, but that he has been bottling his own urine. Heh. He takes this opportunity to start nibbling on Veronica's neck, and his affection is sweet, if likely motivated by the fact that it looks like Veronica's taken to wearing an Aquabra. I don't know what position you guys favor, Duncan, but I'd pick one that doesn't put too much weight on her chest. Duncan suggests that they invite some people back to the hotel for an afterparty, and Veronica coyly asks, "After what?" Duncan duhs that it's after the dance, but eventually cottons on to her point, and says he's a dope. Arguments? He tells Veronica that she's his woman, and he wants her to accompany him, and they're both kind of sweet and adorable and, more importantly, believable as a couple in this scene. That is, until Veronica asks Duncan for some Kane Software stationery, which I can't believe he would give up when it might be used for something unethical or even illegal. He does ask what it's for, but Veronica breezes, "You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants?" She tells him to go make himself pretty. He laughs, knowing that that's not really going to take long.

Chez Mars. Veronica reads aloud to Keith from an article in the Neptune Register that says Keith and Lamb are now in a statistical dead heat. Keith fishes a metal replica of a large beetle encased in glass out of Veronica's bag. It would have been cool if her bag were booby-trapped, and Keith got his fingers caught in a mousetrap like this was Tom And Jerry. Come on, Veronica would totally do that. Veronica tries to cover by saying that the bug is for a bio project. I wonder if Keith will ever take up the strategy of not believing a word that comes out of Veronica's mouth. It's an idea that the percentages certainly seem to favor.

Chez Fennel. Alicia, dressed in a robe and pajamas, enters the kitchen to find Wallace standing there with the letters. When she learns what they are, she tries to grab them away from him, and they end up on the floor. She yells that she told him to stay away from Woods, but Wallace, just as heatedly, counters that she claimed she gave Woods a choice, and she lied. Wallace storms out past Chaos, who's got his feet up on the ottoman and a shit-eating grin on his face.

School. Wallace is spilling his guts to Veronica, wondering how his dad could have stayed with the Chicago PD for all these years if he's so nuts. Because we've never, ever seen a whack-job cop before. Not even in movies! Veronica makes the incredibly valid point that a cop should have had an easier time tracking Wallace down, and I'll add that the fact that Alicia didn't change Wallace's given name should have helped as well. Veronica: "Your mom was right, Wallace. He had his chance, and he passed it up. Take it from someone who knows: the one who sticks with you is the one who cares." It may sound a little harsh, Wallace, but if I were discussing a subject that cost me fifty grand, I might not soften my words either.

Lamb opens a box to find Veronica's bug and a note on the Kane Software stationery wishing the "Exterminator" good luck with the election. Lamb looks pleased, and I can certainly buy that he'd think Jake Kane still resents Keith, even though I doubt that's actually the case. Moustache Cop (oh, fine, I'll call him Deputy Sacks) enters, and Lamb shows him the gift and reads him the note, saying that Jake is now in Aspen. I didn't think Jake would be allowed to leave the state while his trial is going on. But at least there's no occupational reason for Lamb to care about that, right? Sacks says something about two guys from Cliffside in the interrogation room: "You're not going to believe the story they're trying to sell." I wonder if they said they're interested in applying to be part-time receptionists. He certainly has reason to be wary of that one. Lamb puts the bug down on his desk.

Veronica's driving down the street in search of Consolidated Elemental Industries, which VMVO tells us is the first place Jackie's card was used. She pulls in to park, and across the street, we see a sign for a "Chicken Kitchen." I can't read the name above that, though, so I'm not sure if I should be looking out for Cora.

Cut to the inside of the psychic's store, which is at the address for Consolidated listed on the statement. Inside, Veronica finds a load of vanilla-scented candles, the manufacturer of which corresponds with the vendor on the statement. She bails into a commercial.

Veronica's bedroom. Jackie is petting Backup. I'm surprised he's so docile, but given their flirtation scene earlier, maybe she smells like Logan. Veronica wonders how the psychic could have gotten Jackie's card, prompting Jackie to confess that she goes to "Madame Sophie" to try to connect with the dead grandmother she mentioned earlier. Jackie says it's her "secret shame," and asks Veronica if she has one. Veronica confesses that she used an infomercial-sold cream called "Mammomax." You probably don't need me to tell you what the makers claim it does, but given Veronica's statement that she used it when she was a freshman, I'd say it does in fact work. It just takes about three years and kicks in very suddenly. Jackie stands up and says she knows how to get even: she's going on the psychic's public-access show, which she claims everyone at Neptune watches. Given that Logan and Duncan watch it later, it must air on Thursday night. As if Joey didn't have enough problems already.

Cut to Jackie's house, where she's got the TiVo cued up. The psychic calls a blonde girl up to the stage and says that someone from the Great Beyond is trying to contact her. Blonde Girl starts to cry as she says she thinks it's her friend Rhonda, who was on the bus. So she's really calling from the Sweet Hereafter. Also, now we know five of the eight (seven dead plus Meg) people on the bus -- Rhonda, Meg, Naima, Cervando, and Driver Ed. I wonder if the other three will, um, surface. They're interrupted by the appearance of Cook, who remembers that Veronica promised not to wash her hand after he shook it. Veronica: "I haven't. People are starting to complain." Jackie asks what Lamb wanted, and Cook tells her he wanted him to emcee the department's charity ball. Jackie asks her dad if he's kidding. Cook: "I wish I was." That moment is nicely understated enough that I can even forgive the failure to use the subjunctive. Cook leaves as VMVO tells us that she and Jackie came up with a plan to get even with Madame Sophie...

...and the VMVO continues in Veronica's bedroom, as she tells us that she's going to take Jackie's place on the show and expose Madame Sophie as a fraud. Veronica sits at her computer and listens to the recordings from the bug. She comes across the meeting Cook referenced earlier...

...and we're in flashback, as Lamb is suggesting that Cook purchase some $10 tickets for his department's annual fundraiser. Cook is annoyed that Lamb called him in just for that, but says he'll buy two, and gets up to go. Lamb counters that he thought Cook might be interested in more like a thousand, as well as emceeing the bachelor auction. Cook looks bewildered, and says that's a lot of money. Well, if you want to provide an alternative to shelling out your own money, you might consider putting yourself on the block. And be sure to post the date of the auction in the forums. Lamb pointedly says that the ten grand isn't nearly three million bucks: "That's the kind of money that certain people take very, very seriously. Gambling debt like that and they might send some guys down to your nice, new, cliffside house to remind you payment's due." I wonder if they'll meet up with the goons Veronica's going to send to Jackie's house after this episode is over. "After you!" "No no no, after you!" Cook says he never bet on baseball, but Lamb grins that he's got a guy in a holding cell who says Cook "did favors" for people who bet extensively on baseball. I take this to mean Cook intentionally affected the outcome of games he was involved in. Because if he was helping out The Woodman, I don't want to consider that it might have been another kind of favor. Lamb stands up: "We both have something in common. We'd both like to see you make it into the Hall of Fame." Heh. We jump out of flashback, and Veronica sighs, "Say it ain't so, Terrence." Heh, awesome timing that the White Sox just won the World Series. I wonder how much UPN paid to make that happen?

We're in the same spot, where the psychic tells everyone that Lilly has something else to say -- about infomercials. "You...don't need the...Mammomax? Veronica." Yes, I believe I addressed that earlier. Veronica's expression turns sardonic as she realizes that the psychic and Jackie set her up. Veronica, here's the moment where you bust out the blender. Just to clarify a plot point, I'm guessing that Jackie gave the psychic the five hundred bucks' worth of candles as payment for her complicity in the scheme. If not, Wallace is going to be choking on vanilla for a long time to come.

Veronica is making a CD recording of the blackmailing conversation when the phone rings. She answers, "Chesty LaRue." Heh. It's Duncan, and she finds out that Corny is DJing between the band's sets at the dance the night. Wow, so she's going to bring Cook down just to get back at Jackie? I mean, the circumstances are slightly mitigating in that she'd also be bringing down Lamb, but...well, if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, it looks like Veronica's gunning for the Autobahn version. She labels the CD "Homecoming Request," and then someone knocks on her door. It's Wallace, who asks if she's okay. Veronica bites out that she's fine compared to how Jackie's going to be. Wallace asks what she means, since Jackie was worried for her. Ooh, that was a misstep, Jackie. Setting Veronica up is one thing, but not admitting it to Wallace makes it look like you think it's a huge deal. Veronica half-yells that Jackie was the only one who knew about the boob cream, and it's time for Wallace to pick a side. Wallace half-yells in turn that he's sure Jackie didn't do what Veronica thinks she did, but even if he's wrong, he wants her to let it go. Veronica says she can't do that. Wallace: "Well, why does it have to be about you all the time? Jackie's right about one thing: it's your world; I just live in it." So Wallace decided to pick the "I Have A Spine" side. I commend him on his choice. Wallace reiterates that whatever Veronica's planning, she shouldn't do it, and adds that in case she hasn't been paying attention, Wallace just learned that his whole life has been a lie. He tells her that she hasn't given him any time or sympathy, and leaves. Veronica looks chastened. I still love Veronica, but even those we love can frustrate us sometimes, so you'll allow me this comment to her: looks gooooooooood on you, hon.

Jackie's phone rings, and she looks thrilled that it's Wallace. Given the upcoming revelation that this is now the day of the dance, I'm thinking Wallace hasn't talked to her since he left Veronica's house, and Jackie's clued in that he's pissed. Wallace asks whether Jackie set Veronica up, and she now admits it, but says it was supposed to be a punking. Heh -- for those of you who don't know, Kristen Bell was (or will be, depending on when I get this recap in) on the season premiere of Punk'd, so this is a little in-joke. Jackie goes all breathy (which: shut up) and says she just wanted to take Veronica down a peg for tattling on her for hanging out with "Random Dude" and being Wallace's confidante and "supposably being this legendary badass." Oh, honey, and you did such a nice job with the setup. But while you might have outdone Ashton Kutcher with your prank, even though he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he would never say "supposably." Wallace snaps that Jackie has no idea what Veronica's been through, and Jackie urgently says that the psychic came up with the Lilly stuff on her own. I might even believe Jackie here, but if she's telling the truth, the question becomes whether Jackie told the psychic Veronica's name. If yes, there's no issue -- the psychic could easily have figured out or known who Veronica was on her own. If Jackie didn't tell her is where things could get a little interesting, but that's neither here nor there at the moment. Jackie asks if she can make her actions up to Wallace at the dance, but Wallace says he's only going because of the election -- he's not going with Jackie. I guess the potential Homecoming Queens are all pretty hot, then. But I guess we knew that already from Veronica's failure to make the cut. Jackie grabs a prescription bottle out of her nightstand.

Chez Mars. Veronica comes out to the kitchen in a black dress with a black shawl around her shoulders. She looks okay, but what happened to strapless red satin? Keith tells Veronica she looks beautiful, and Veronica responds by playing the voicemail from the bus. You know, when a guy tells a woman she looks beautiful, he doesn't expect the response to remind him of death. It would have been a lot more appropriate if he had told her she looked fat. Once the call goes bad, Keith closes his eyes in agony and looks like he's going to be sick. Veronica starts to babble that this will prove that Driver Ed had nothing to do with the crash, but Keith cuts her off and says he's not willing to leverage the deaths of seven people just to win an election. Yeah, it's not really worth the bother. In this country, someone else will be sure to take care of that. Veronica points out that a lot of people in Neptune now think the crash is Keith's fault, but Keith says that if there was, in fact, an explosion (and they point out that the second noise is the bus hitting the guardrail), someone murdered those kids and Driver Ed, and "the guilty party" is still at large: "That evidence can't go public if we want this investigation to stay ahead of it." Veronica thinks the only way the killer will get caught is if Keith wins the election, since Lamb won't do anything about it.

A knock at the door interrupts the rising tension, and Keith answers it to find a sharp-looking Duncan, whom he says is a "gentleman caller. You got the emphasis on the 'gentleman' part, right?" Duncan's nervous acknowledgement is hilarious, and brings to mind Icetwin's similar Homecoming-related anxiety. It almost doesn't seem worth the stress to take Veronica, but maybe she gives really good afterparty. Keith asks Veronica to tell Wallace he's pulling for him, and Duncan good-naturedly notes that he's not feeling the Mars family love. Veronica: "Oh, come on. It's like rootin' for the Yankees." Not exactly -- Duncan at least won something only a year ago. Keith asks Veronica if she wants the CD, but after a long moment, she tells him no. Wow, good for her, turning over a new leaf! And with only a few minutes left in the episode, what could possibly go wrong with that?

The Faders are playing "No Sleep Tonight" at the dance. That certainly seems appropriate. People are...in a conga line? Okay. ["Proving that not everything is automatically bad-ass just because it was on a Clone High." -- Wing Chun] Jackie walks unsteadily and looks around vacantly; either she helped herself to whatever was in that bottle, or she's given Celestia another home now that Anne Heche appears to have settled down these days. Veronica and Duncan dance adorably.