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A far stronger effort tonight than we've seen so far this season. Feeling the advent of college-application time, Veronica joins the Future Business Leaders of America, visited by one Big Dick Casablancas. The club affords Beaver the chance to talk to Veronica about how Charisma is using his dad, and he pays her a grand to catch Charisma violating her prenup. Before Veronica can get to that, though, she gets hauled in to the sheriff's station, where she learns about the dead guy with her name on his palm. Turns out he was a biker, an ex-con, and a former stuntman. Veronica visits the bike shop where the dude worked, and discovers that he was tight with Haaron. Not only is this creepy, but it might be signaling Harry Hamlin's return, which would be, and apologies in advance, killer. But first, the smaller stuff. Keith tells Alicia (yay!) about the whole running-for-sheriff thing, and offers to take her away to Chicago for a book-signing. Veronica wonders if Keith is going to pop the question, which she is sincerely and happily in favor of, but he denies it. In Chicago, Alicia asks if Keith really wants to go back to being sheriff, and the answer is a definite yes. But it turns out Alicia has a secret that may get her in trouble with the law, and we're not just talking about Keith. Whatever the secret is, someone involved with it is in Neptune by the episode's end. Meanwhile, Duncan and Logan have it out, albeit briefly, and the confrontation is suitably bitter, even though it has nothing to do with Veronica. It's also well-acted on both sides, which is highly encouraging. Meanwhile, Veronica tries to make nice with Jackie for Wallace's sake, but she's more jealous of Wallace's new interest than even she realizes. Jackie's calmed down considerably, and seems really to be into Wallace. The threat is obvious, so Veronica is only too happy to see Jackie come into the Hut with another guy. But Jackie is playing it sweet and nice at school, so Veronica's in the unenviable bearer-of-bad-news position here. Lucky for her she has too much going on right now to deal with it. And that gets us to the main plots. Per Beaver's instructions, Veronica discovers that Charisma was poor white trash before marrying Big Dick. She follows the ex-Laker girl around for an afternoon, and catches her on film going into a cheap motel with some guy from the gym. She also catches Charisma in some tacky-assed clothes, but that's probably required by the prenup. The pictures aren't explicit enough for Beaver, though, so Veronica puts a camera in Charisma's iPod. Charisma is delightfully bitchy while completely not being Cordelia, by the way. Veronica discovers that Charisma isn't banging the gym guy -- she's helping Big Dick commit massive real-estate fraud. She is, however, still sleeping with Logan. Veronica confronts Logan about the affair, deducing that he's trying to get a jealous Big Dick to get rid of him. Big Dick, however, has the SEC on his tail, and he flees town in a helicopter, so Logan will have to find someone else to put him out of his stinking-rich misery. And finally, while at the Echolls house, Veronica comes to the disturbing conclusion that she was the target of the school-bus "accident." As if she didn't have enough survivor's guilt as it is. The show is back, you guys, and none too soon. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Aaaaah. Muuuuuch better.
Neptune High. Veronica walks through the busy hallway as VMVO tells us that college-application time is coming up, and her guidance counselor strongly suggested that she engage in "a little résumé-packing." I guess that can't hurt, although I think Veronica's got a leg up on the rest of her class in the application department. Because if the events of last year made a season of awesome television, I can only imagine she'd be able to distill them into one kick-ass essay. Veronica enters a classroom as VMVO goes on to say that, as of now, she's "a Future Business Leader of America." A jaunty bald middle-aged man introduces the lecturer, who just happens to be "the CEO of Casablancas Enterprises, Mr. H. Richard Casablancas." Given later revelations in the episode, I wonder if the "H" stands for "Huckster." The class applauds. Attendees include Dick, Beaver, Duncan, and Logan. Veronica is the only female, and there are no non-Caucasians, which I'm taking as a deliberate demonstration of who the "Haves" in Neptune are. But given how important entrepreneurial ingenuity can be to a businessperson, I find it hard to believe Mac isn't around. Maybe Big Dick thinks blue hair just doesn't fit into the American corporate image. If you look closely, Beaver does not clap for his dad, which is a nice touch. Dick stops Veronica to ask if she shouldn't be in with the "Future Bootlickers of America." They both give that joke what they each perceive as its due in laughter. You'll be surprised to hear that the two results are a little different. It's interesting, though, that Dick is nastier to Veronica when she doesn't have an 09er boyfriend right by her side. Veronica sits down to Duncan as NVMVO says she chose this big swinging dick seminar because of her "billionaire boyfriend, Duncan Kane." That's Veronica Mars who said that, in case anyone still doesn't know the characters yet. Veronica Mars stage-whispers a question to Duncan Kane about whom they're exploiting now. Duncan Kane: "The workers." Veronica Mars kisses Duncan Kane and gives a Mr. Montgomery Burns "Eeeexcellent." Hee. to them, Logan Echolls drops his burrito, saying now he's lost his appetite. Surprisingly, I don't share that sentiment, as that exchange between Duncan Kane and Veronica Mars was kind of cute. That burrito did look pretty gross, though.
Big Dick looks around the room and gives a quick smile and eyebrow-raise to Dick. Dick waves enthusiastically, but when Beaver tries to do the same, Big Dick doesn't acknowledge him. First lesson to the Future Business Leaders of America: Learn to fake the clapping. Big Dick addresses the class about investing, saying that he prefers real estate to other possibilities because "when I put my money into something, I like to see what I'm getting." Hey, did you guys know that Enron's corporate slogan was "Ask Why"? I don't know what made that pop into my head just now. Big Dick shows an electronic slide detailing Casablancas Enterprises REITs (Real Estate Investment Trusts), which basically allow an investor to pool his capital with that of other shareholders to own pieces of different real estate holdings. Veronica listens to this as she flips through a catalogue showing one of the company's holdings: the "Sandpiper," a beachfront luxury hotel and resort. Big Dick pulls up another slide that shows that his company's earnings have been way ahead of their share price, which...no. Share price is always much higher than earnings per share. That's called a multiple. Even with the highest-quality, most conservative, lowest-growth stocks (sometimes referred to as "value" stocks), the multiple might be five, ten, even twenty times earnings, depending on the historical circumstances. For stock in high-risk industries like biotech, the multiple might be in the hundreds. For example, in the late '90s, many internet stocks were driven up to incredible multiples, because people thought they were the wave of the future. But when the market caught on that earnings were never going to match those expectations, internet stocks crashed. Not that I know anyone who was personally affected by this phenomenon or anything. The point is, the graph is ridiculous. Big Dick asks how the graph looks, and even someone as dim as Little Dick knows that this projection is enough to keep him in new surfboards and trophy wives for the rest of his life. VMVO, however, says it looks like the rich get richer, while everyone else hopes for scholarships. And here I was hoping the fortune cookie Duncan gave her said, "You will not have to pay a dime for college." She did look awfully happy!
Outside, Beaver catches Veronica. She starts to call him "Beaver," but amends it to "Cassidy." I will not be doing the same. Beaver tells her it's cool that she joined FBLA, and then nervously asks if he can talk to her about his dad. Veronica wonders what earthly concerns Big Swinging Dick could have, but Beaver tells her that all Charisma does is spend their money, and what's more, he thinks Charisma is, to paraphrase a condom wrapper, "Living Large," which violates the prenup she signed. Veronica thinks the condom wrapper is hardly proof, so Beaver offers her $500 to get some, in the form of photographic evidence. Veronica asks for an even thousand, and Beaver agrees. Aw, don't gouge The Beav, Veronica. He's already spending all his pocket money on eyeliner. Seriously, as the posters noted, why are they using so much on poor Kyle this season? Unless they're transitioning him into dressing Goth, which I would totally be in favor of, if only to see what few neurons Little Dick has fuse at the sight. Anyway, Beaver gives Veronica a copy of Charisma's schedule, wishes her luck, and takes off. VMVO says she might just be a Future Business Leader of America yet.
Cut to VMVO telling us Charisma's schedule -- "Ten o'clock. Brunch with the girls." Heh -- I'd like to see Charisma in a Sex And The City-type brunch. "Well, I'm nailing the seventeen-year-old murder-accused son of the multi-millionaire acting sensation who slept with and then killed the son's girlfriend. Pass the soy milk?" Noon, pilates; 3 PM, shiatsu massage, organic enzyme facial, "and, I'm willing to wager, a sunshine colonic." I have to say that last sounds like a contradiction in terms, but when all you're really talking about is shoving a hose up your ass, it makes you appreciate the value of a good euphemism. VMVO wonders if she should consider a career as a Neptune trophy wife. Well, considering that the combined net worth of your last two boyfriends is enough to buy you better surveillance equipment than that of the CIA, I'm surprised it hasn't crossed your mind already. By the way, Veronica's walking by a school bus here, and the maker's name is "Thomas." Heh. I wonder if we can look forward to it flattening a murderer later on in the season. Veronica comes across Moustache Cop in the parking lot, who says that Lamb wants to ask her some questions. Veronica: "My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him." Thanks for the reminder that Christmas will be here before we know it. Moustache Cop opens the passenger door, and Veronica holds up her wrists: "Deputy Sachs, take me away!" Watch out for the forum posters in front of you, hon. ["...Really? That guy?" -- Wing Chun]
Side view of Lamb and Veronica staring across a table at each other. Lamb is sipping something from a silver cup, and given how tensed up he seems to be already, I hope "decaf" is a word he's familiar with. After a lengthy silence, Lamb guesses that Veronica knows why she's there. Veronica sits forward and mock-confesses, and then says she has no idea why she's there as Lamb's cheek muscles go so rigid it looks like he's got lockjaw. Which would be a real shame, regardless of what Veronica might tell you. Veronica goes on to say that she's curious about what her dad said about Lamb hauling her in, but Lamb informs her that no notice was required: "You're eighteen now. Kiddo. You're an adult." Veronica: "Well, that makes one of us." Original? No. Obligatory and entertaining? Hell yes. Veronica asks if Lamb's going to tell her why she's there: "Or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly constipated David Caruso?" Well, in my opinion, Lamb will never have the requisite smugness or the horrible hair to reasonably resemble Caruso. However, since I take that line as more of a slam on Caruso than on Lamb, HA!
Lamb slides a folder across the table to Veronica and asks what she can tell him about her relationship with the man documented therein. It's the dead dude from last episode, of course, who's named "David 'Curly' Moran." Veronica, not recognizing him from his mug shot, says that one summer, "he was a roadie for Whitesnake; [she] was singing backup for Boyz II Men. He said it would never work." Well, I'd have to agree. Can you imagine the song "Here I Go Again On Bended Knee"? Lamb cuts her off and says he's glad that she finds the situation amusing. I don't really think he's glad, since I've seen less stern expressions on a mother's face after her teenaged son came home three hours past curfew. (Not me -- a friend of mine. Whom I'm surprised isn't still grounded.) He bitingly asks her if she definitely hasn't seen the guy before. Veronica looks at the picture, which is of the guy in a Hawaiian shirt standing in front of his motorcycle. VMVO: "Somewhere, those million chimps with their million typewriters must have finally written King Lear, because Sheriff Lamb is actually right about something." Well, Lamb's detective work isn't quite the miracle it seems to be, Veronica, because the chimps also wrote your name on the dead guy's palm. Veronica flashes back to her helping the guy light the votive candle.
Back in the present, Lamb deduces from her facial expression that Veronica has, in fact, seen the guy before. He presses his moment of triumph and asks if she's missing an earring, as he holds up an ugly piece of bling in an evidence bag. It's a square silver job with some diamonds set in, and Veronica sarcastically says she's not a diamonds kind of girl. Lamb says it was found outside the "Road Hog," a biker bar up the PCH, which is the last place "Curly" was seen. As many posters pointed out, the earring looks suspiciously like the one Weevil was wearing on his right earlobe, in his one (sigh) scene of any import so far this season. We don't know, though, if he was wearing only one earring as a style choice and lost it later, or if he was wearing one because he'd already lost the companion. Getting back to the scene, Veronica still doesn't understand what all this has to do with her, but Lamb shows her a different photograph of her name on the guy's palm, and informs her that the guy was beaten to death. Well, I don't know what he expected, wearing a Hawaiian shirt into a biker bar. Lamb stands up and leans forward to loom over Veronica: "Amusing, huh?" God, it's almost like he cares! Of course, as many forum posters pointed out, the name could have been written by the guy's killer, so it's not particularly meaningful without any other evidence. But with that excellent scene, we're in the credits.
Mmm, steak. Keith is slicing some up as Alicia (yay!) is learning that The Woodman was serious about wanting Keith to run for sheriff. Keith says that he's a good candidate, since he's been sheriff before, and what's more, he's "a local celebrity, with a book currently hovering at #97 on The New York Times bestseller list." Given the success of the book, I wonder if Keith turning around and running for sheriff means he's a believer in quitting while he's ahead. We certainly know from last season that he's not into quitting while he's behind. But since he didn't actually write the book, maybe he's taking the job in the hopes that he'll find some new material for a second effort. Keith and Alicia sip some red wine, and he tells her that he has a book signing in Chicago that weekend, and invites her along for a romantic getaway. I hope he's not going to drag her to the actual signing. I don't think Alicia needs to be there when a bunch of women ask Keith to autograph their handcuffs. Keith says he's being put up at a swanky hotel called the Rossmore, which has a jazz nightclub on the top. Alicia subtly goes a little quiet here, which is nice work from Erica Gimpel, and Keith says he thought she liked jazz: "Is it Kenny G? He ruined it for you?" Well, if you're looking for an excuse, Alicia, that's as plausible a one as any. But Alicia recovers to accept, and kisses Keith. Veronica chooses that moment to arrive home, and expresses the expected level of disgust at the parent mackage. Although given all the PDA she's been engaging in with Duncan, she might want to hold her tongue. So to speak. Keith invites Veronica to have dinner, but Veronica breezily says she ate something already. He then asks Veronica how she is, and Veronica, a little too sunnily, tells him she's fine. VMVO says she's not going to tell Keith, because she likes being able to leave the house "without an armed escort." I think Veronica's refusal to have dinner is due to her anxiety about the dead guy and nothing more, although that's open to interpretation. As she leaves the room, she announces that it's okay to make out now. You might want to check the volume on their lip-mics before you give that blessing, hon.
Veronica researches Charisma on her computer. VMVO tells us she's "Kendall Lacey Casablancas, née Lacey Shiflet." She dropped out of Arizona State, did background dancing in some music videos, and then was a Laker girl, making no money and having a string of "baller boyfriends." Wow, Veronica, when you use that sardonic tone of voice, you can make almost anything sound cheap. Anyway, Big Dick rescued Charisma from all this and swept her away to "bimbo paradise." But wasn't she already living in L.A.? Veronica turns her attention to Curly, who used to be a stuntman until he "crashed his career" in the '80s: "Just remember, kids, crystal meth and precision driving don't mix." Oh, so that's what that officer was saying when he pulled me over. He was really difficult to understand. Anyway, Curly went on to serve three years at San Quentin for assault, and then, until his untimely demise, worked at Neptune's "Symbolic Motor Car Company." That doesn't sound like the most inspiring name for an auto shop. Although given today's prices, if they can fix motors to run on symbolic gas, I could really see them catching on. What's it going to take for people to buy hybrids? Back in the fake world, VMVO -- which was not strictly necessary through the whole part about Curly since all the information was visible on Veronica's computer screen -- crosses squarely into "N" territory as it rambles on asking questions about Curly anyone with a cerebrum couldn't help having wondered about already. I hope it's worth paying Kristen Bell overtime pay for all her ADR work just to catch the people driving well below the minimum speed up. VMVO then wonders, "Did I get really drunk at a biker bar?" Probably. I mean, you left Backup somewhere, right?
Keith enters (without knocking, like HELLO), and Veronica quickly shuts her laptop. Keith asks her what's she's hiding, and Veronica says she'll show him, but that he has to answer some questions first. Oh, Veronica. I know you had fun with Truth or Dare, but it's really not a game to play with your dad. Veronica, in a dishy voice, asks if Keith is taking Alicia to Chicago to propose to her now that the divorce from Lianne is going through. Keith starts to ask if he can't "just take his special lady friend on a romantic..." Veronica: "No." Hee. Although she's enjoying giving her dad a little shit, she seems to me to be fine with this, but again, it's open to interpretation. Keith says that as soon as he and Alicia know what the step is, he'll tell her. Veronica accepts that, and says she has something to admit. She opens her laptop, and on the desktop is a bunch of drawn unicorns. Keith stares blankly. Veronica, over-earnestly: "What, Dad? Girls are crazy about unicorns!" Keith's face: "Yeah, except for the 'about unicorns' part."
Charisma gets out of her black convertible as VMVO talks about all the expensive things Charisma owns. As long as she's got carte blanche, Charisma might want to hire a fashion consultant, because that bright yellow skirt and multiple-animal-print brown-and-white top (a) look horrible with her skin, (b) look horrible together, and (c) look horrible in a "too trashy even for a jungle-based society" way. VMVO goes on to say that Charisma is easy to follow, although I don't quite know how Charisma's expensive tastes got Veronica access to the busy gym they're now in. "I Turn My Camera On" is playing, which works well for this scene. Charisma sits down with her gym bag and purse at a table, and someone brings her a muffin as Veronica takes up a position at what she hopes is a safe distance. I'd advise her to back up quite a bit more, since she's sporting a camera with a lens on it big enough to take pictures of Uranus. (Come on, it's been so long.) Veronica snaps some photos of Charisma chomping away, although even Veronica realizes that eating carbs probably isn't a major violation of the prenup. Veronica gets encouraged, however, when some gym-bag-toting guy shows up and joins Charisma. Veronica snaps some more pictures...
...and continues to do so outside, as Charisma and the dude get into what's presumably his car. Cut to a cheap motel, as we get a Season-2-credits shot of Veronica photographing Charisma and the dude entering one of the second-floor rooms. VMVO says she hopes Charisma likes cheap hotels, because that's all she'll be able to afford after Veronica busts her. Charisma goes to pull the curtains, and in a nice effect, the still of her goes black and white and becomes a photograph...
...which Veronica slides into an envelope as Wallace comes up and asks her what she's looking at. If she pulls out a photograph of a unicorn, I'll be really impressed. Veronica: "Just...tawdriness." Heh. She chuckles at the fact that Alicia packed Wallace a pudding cup in his lunch. I'd take that over your fruit salad in a heartbeat, Veronica, I'll admit. Wallace calls over Jackie, whom VMVO describes as the "hot, bitchy transfer from New York." Wallace asks if they've met, and Veronica nods and says she didn't realize he and Jackie were lunch buddies. Wallace: "I'm going for lunch buddies with privileges." Ah, I see -- you're trying to find a more exotic use for that pudding. Well, okay, but I wouldn't tell your mom about that. Sensing Veronica's distaste, Wallace says he likes Jackie: "Retract claws." Sorry, Wallace, but you keep the claws out for too long, they don't go back in. And let me tell you, it makes typing a bitch.
Jackie sits down, and Wallace announces that she and Veronica have met. Veronica smiles: "Yes, actually..." -- Tessa Thompson makes an understated face of confusion here, and I thought I should mention it, since it's already better work than she did in all of the last episode -- "...she requested I step outside my job description at Java the Hut the other day." Ha! "Java the Hut" is awesome. Jackie easily apologizes, saying she forgot to leave the New York attitude in New York. Veronica isn't mollified, but Jackie and Wallace ignore her in favor of Jackie bitching about having to read Pride and Prejudice: "Six hundred pages of pasty white chicks catfighting over some stick-up-his-butt dude's prospects." Wallace offers her the CliffsNotes, but based on that description, I think she's already read them. Actually, I love that book, but I can't hear it mentioned now without thinking of this parodic dream sequence in Bedrooms and Hallways. If you haven't seen it, you should, because it's hilarious. And if that doesn't convince you, James Purefoy and Kevin McKidd (Mark Antony and Lucius Vorenus on Rome) have an affair, and in the dream sequence, Purefoy is Darcy. And this seems like a good time for a little break, as everyone reading has surfed over to Amazon's movie section. Okay. Jackie complains that even one page of this "pre-Victorian crap" puts her to sleep, and I hope her acting continues to improve, because sentiments like that are doing her no favors on the boards. VMVO: "All right, brother. Prepare to be helped out." Hmm, "brother" -- is Veronica implying that she thinks Keith's marriage to Alicia is a foregone conclusion? That's sweet! Just, um, don't watch the dailies from Chicago. Veronica breathes deeply and says that she and Duncan were going to rent the BBC series: "We can fast-forward through the corsets and the bitching." Well, it hardly seems worthwhile for Wallace and Jackie to come over for ten minutes. Veronica adds that Colin Firth is in it, and Wallace playfully repeats that. Jackie accepts the invitation, but she does so to Wallace instead of to Veronica, which is completely infuriating, yet will make Veronica look like a bitch if she points it out. I'm starting to buy Jackie's claim of experience a little bit more. Wallace, though, adorably winks at Veronica. Aw.
Hut. Veronica attends to some customers, and then goes over to Beaver and hands him the pictures. Beaver notes that Charisma is cold: she's cheating on Big Dick on one of his own properties. Well, I don't know that that's any worse than doing it in his living room. At least she's not using their communal shower to clean up. Beaver, however, pronounces the pictures to be insufficient, although he does bring Veronica's attention to the fact that Charisma swapped gym bags with Gym Guy, or as Beaver call him, "some cheeseball." If this is foreshadowing that Beaver is going to start helping Veronica with some of her cases, I'm all for that. Veronica says she'll get Beaver the money shot. Not literally, I hope. She hits him up for a hundred bucks for expenses, and gives him an iPod Shuffle and tells him to load Charisma's music onto it.
Later -- presumably after Beaver's carried out her request -- Veronica takes a screwdriver to the Shuffle. Careful, Veronica. You don't want to have to make a service call to Apple. Even an 09er would flinch at that expense.
Veronica enters an auto shop, presumably the one Curly worked at. Hot sports cars are all over the place, and VMVO notes that Curly couldn't have been interested in her for her car. Heh. A guy asks her if she's there for service, but she puts on a sad voice and says she's Curly's niece, and that she called earlier. She gives her real name and asks if Curly ever mentioned her, but the answer is no. The guy does, however, hand over a box full of Curly's personal possessions. Inside, Veronica she finds some framed autographed photographs -- Curly with a woman who may have some claim to fame even though Veronica calls her a "bimbo"; Curly with a sports star; and Curly with a movie star. I'll tell you that all the pictures were taken in front of sports cars. I'll also tell you that the aforementioned movie star is Haaron Echolls. I figured I should give you all the information and let you sort out what's important. In that vein, I'll tell you that they've tried to make Haaron look more '80s by giving him Limahl's hair and soaking it with a hose. (I guess if it made me think of that reference, it sort of worked.) The message on the photo reads, "All these years still on 'The Long Haul.' Always your pal, Aaron Echolls." Veronica breathes us into a commercial break.
Veronica and Duncan, holding hands, enter FBLA as VMVO tells us she's the "key witness" in Haaron's murder trial. Man, they could have done a whole season just on coverage of that. It can't just have been me who spent countless hours in the '90s watching Court TV's coverage of the Menendez brothers' murder trial. (Of course, that could be because I once met Lyle Menendez. Brrrr.) Duncan notices Veronica's somewhat glazed expression and asks what's on her mind. Veronica: "Just...fine European automobiles." Heh. Logan, with showy exasperation, moves over to allow Duncan and Veronica to sit together, although he might just have wanted to avoid the schmoopy-eyed crossfire. The bald man from the first scene is apparently going to be the regular teacher, and he enthusiastically greets the class by saying that they're worth a million dollars. Logan: "What? You mean I've lost money? Heads will roll." Heh. The teacher tells them that some of them have played his stock market game before: they each will control a virtual portfolio, which they can manage however they want -- he looks at Dick -- "as long as it's legal." Dick protests that dog racing is legal, but the teacher counters that it's hardly lucrative. Well, if you hire the winners out for stud, you could probably make some money, but somehow I don't see Dick going to a lot of trouble to see that anyone besides him gets laid. The teacher goes on to say that whoever has the portfolio with the highest value at the end of the year will win a plaque "and all attendant bragging rights." The class gives a mixture of laughter and "whoop-te-do" noises, so the teacher adds that there will be a cash prize for the student who can beat the "SNP" average. Duncan understandably thinks he's referring to Standard and Poor's, but he actually is referring to his own average, since his name is Samuel Nelson Pope. Beaver asks what he invested in, and he says that he's more conservative than his students, since he uses his model for his own 401K. Logan asks how much real money he made, and the answer is enough to retire in nine months. From the chart, which says that the percentage of the value of Pope's portfolio of Casablancas stock in 2003-4 was 10%, but the year it was up to 45%, Little Dick concludes that his dad's company grew 35% in a year. For those of you satisfied to take Little Dick's word for it, skip the paragraph.
The intent with this chart was obviously to show that Big Dick's company is doing well. Which is fine, but here's the thing, and I'm going to plug in some real numbers to make this explanation less abstract: say Pope's portfolio was worth $100,000 at the beginning of the first year, just to use a nice round number. That would mean that his Casablancas stock was worth $10,000 (10% of the total value, according to the chart). Say also that the total value of his portfolio grew 50% over that year (an astronomical rate of return for an equity portfolio even in a bull market, but he would have to do around that well at a minimum for his retirement plans to be significantly affected). So at the beginning of the year, his portfolio would have been worth $150,000. Now, for his Casablancas stock to encompass 45% of the total value of the portfolio, it would have to have been worth $67,500, which would mean the value of the stock increased 575% in a single year. For a reasonably-well-established company -- as I assume Casablancas is, given Big Dick's already immense implied wealth -- that rate of growth is completely preposterous. So Pope must have taken a lot of money out of T-Bills and blue-chips and other more secure investments on the chart to buy more of the Casablancas stock, which is the exact opposite of conservative investing and not what someone close to retirement should do at all. Of course, if he's an officer of the company, he might have had some stock options that matured in that year, but regardless, he should have managed his portfolio (i.e. sold off a lot of stock) to keep a reasonable amount of diversification, which would have locked in a lot of the profit that he's going to lose due to events late in the episode. He must really not have wanted to pay some snot-nosed rich kid a cash prize.
Anyway, Pope shows the class a picture of the sailboat he's going to cruise off on once he retires, which Duncan identifies as a "Swan 40." Pope says the restoration's been tricky, and that the hull had to be resealed twice. Logan: "Didn't plug her right the first time, huh?" He turns to stare at Veronica, although the shot's blocked so we don't see her reaction. Some people on the boards thought he was referring to the roofie sex, but that seems exceedingly unlikely to me. This comment seems like a natural addendum to his remark in the last episode about the cuddling being the best part. Anyway, regardless of how he meant it, Duncan cottons on that it's derogatory, and tackles Logan. Nice! I wasn't expecting that. The fight continues into the hallway, where they slam up against some lockers, and then fall to the floor. Well, no one said rich boys fighting is worth Pay-Per-View.
In her office, the school nurse wraps up Duncan's right hand, having already ministered to his left. She opines that the girl they're fighting over won't be very impressed by this. I am not at all sure that I agree. Logan's sitting in the feyest pose we've seen from him in a while. Maybe Duncan knocked the gay back into him. The nurse informs Duncan that the principal is waiting for him, and then, saying she'll be back for Logan, takes off. I would think she should maybe stick around to make sure the TWO BOYS WHO JUST WERE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS DON'T START AGAIN. I mean, her little speech wasn't that inspiring. Duncan starts to go, but Logan says he thinks Veronica would in fact have been impressed, so he disagrees with "Nurse Ratched." Boy, if he can compare that officious woman to the absolutely wonderful Louise Fletcher, Duncan must have hit him even harder than I thought. Duncan notes that Logan's exposing his soft underbelly. Logan: "My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night." Yeah, but your hip flexors probably give out after about an hour. Duncan starts to say that Logan lost Veronica, and that Duncan didn't steal her, but Logan bites out that this has nothing to do with Veronica -- it has to do with the fact that Duncan was nowhere to be found when Logan needed him: "It is a war out there, and you're on the sidelines. Do you remember when you used to have my back?" Duncan sarcastically recalls that he was dealing with something, too: "Your dad murdered my sister." Logan takes a moment to recover as the nurse reappears. Duncan once again starts to leave, but Logan offers, "I hate him too, you know." Duncan, looking not at all pleased, pauses for a moment, possibly wanting to say something else, but then bails. Logan starts to tear up a little, and the nurse, having started to put antiseptic on his knuckle, asks if that stings. See, Logan? Nurse Ratched would have dumped the bottle on your hand with a serene smile.
I just want to note how on that scene was. It brings a complexity to the triangle that we haven't seen so far, since this is really the first interaction Duncan and Logan have had since Logan and Veronica hooked up. Also, each of them knows the other one has a point here, although Duncan in particular is loath to admit it. It seems in character to me that Logan is the one who broke first and approached Duncan. And as an encouraging side note, Teddy Dunn was really good in that scene. More Duncan and Logan scenes, please, as long as they don't kill each other.
Duncan, Veronica, Wallace, and Jackie are sitting around what looks like Duncan's suite watching the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice Veronica alluded to earlier. Veronica disapprovingly looks at Duncan's bandaged knuckles, and he tries to play the fight off as being "just what guys do sometimes." Sure. One day you're wearing matching underwear, the day you're beating each other to a bloody pulp. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Veronica thinks Colin Firth would never get into a fistfight. Hard-boiled or not, if she's a Firth fan, I find it hard to believe Veronica hasn't seen Bridget Jones's Diary. I'd bet she's even seen the sequel, although it's far less likely she'd admit it. Wallace and Duncan commiserate about how they don't get the whole Firth thing, and I'll risk a spate of angry emails by saying that I sort of agree. Jackie pipes up that she used to date this actor who did this play in London, and Colin Firth was at the afterparty. She puts on a mediocre English accent and says something about Mr. Darcy, but the gist is that she would have been right chuffed to drop her knickers and have a go with Colin. VMVO bitches about Jackie's name-dropping, jet-setting ways: "How can Jackie stand the non-stop excitement of being herself?" I'm going to take that as a rhetorical question, because I have a feeling that if I try to answer it, the stun gun is going to make its first appearance this season.
Veronica's drying her hands in the washroom as Wallace comes in and questioningly advances the opinion that Jackie's cool. Veronica: "Is there such a thing as too cool?" Well, that's a bad start. Wallace asks what she means. Veronica: "Are you sure there's not a more 'you' kind of girl at Neptune?" And the start suddenly looks a lot better by comparison. Wallace asks if Veronica thinks he's too small-time for a girl like that, and when the answer is no, he asks what Veronica meant by her comment. Veronica pauses for an NVMVO, and then says that she meant Wallace is too good for Jackie. Wow, Veronica should look into a career in sleight of hand. I didn't even see her pull that comment out of her ass. Jackie enters and smilingly asks what they're up to, and Veronica endearingly says that Wallace wanted to know what kinds of hairstyles drive girls crazy. Jackie says she's a sucker for the wild look, and kisses Wallace. Veronica stands uncomfortably until Duncan rescues her by calling for them. You should thank him for that later, Veronica. Maybe take him sailing?
Cut to the end of the evening, as Wallace and Jackie are getting ready to go. Jackie exposits that they only got through half the story, but sincerely thanks Duncan and Veronica. Wallace suggests that they get together Friday to finish, but Veronica says she has to work, and Jackie says she's busy as well, but that they'll find another might. VMVO bitches that she can hardly wait, and I'll tell you what: if all the VMVOs come in that crabby tone, you'll never see another "N" from me again. Duncan opines that Jackie is cool. Nice to see that his read of his girlfriend's mood is as accurate as ever.
Gym. Veronica and an iPod-equipped Charisma are on adjacent elliptical trainers as VMVO says that Charisma has been all over town, not standing still long enough for Veronica to make her move. Veronica gets off and attracts Charisma's attention, and we get a funny shot of Charisma looking at Veronica talk but not hearing any sound. Boy, if Shuffles can drown people out that effectively, maybe they're worth dealing with Apple after all. Veronica semi-ditzily says she's sorry to bother Charisma, but she noticed that they have the same iPod. Charisma asks what the odds are, and Veronica hilariously looks like she's trying to figure that one out. Charisma, figuring that might take a while, asks if she can help Veronica with something before her heart rate goes out of the cardio zone. Veronica starts a long-winded explanation about how her iPod isn't working right, but she's not sure what the problem is, and she natters on as Charisma makes a hilarious "hurry UP before I brain you with a dumbbell, which would be fitting on more than one level" gesture. Anyway, Veronica's airheadery will not be rushed, but she FINALLY gets to the point, which is that she'd like to borrow Charisma's iPod, and Charisma forks it over with an admonition to make it quick, since she thinks her ass needs some major work. Veronica switches out Charisma's iPod for the doctored one (with the playlist Beaver supplied that so Charisma wouldn't notice, obviously), and keeps up the ditz act for a while before handing the switched one back. She walks off, but pops back to say that Charisma's ass looks "totally awesome." From the look on Charisma's face, Veronica would have saved herself some aggro if she'd just led off with that comment.
Beach. Veronica sees Charisma meet up with the guy from the gym again, only he's in a suit this time. Veronica calls and gets Beaver's voicemail, and instructs him to steal the trick iPod back and meet Veronica at the Hut before closing. She then notices that the cheap-assed motel is called "The Sandpiper." Realizing she's heard that name before, she gets out the catalogue we saw much earlier. VMVO comments that someone, somehow, is getting screwed. Oh, Big Dick, you're in big trouble. And the real irony is that even sandpipers know not to shit where they eat.
VMVO tells us that Gym Guy went from the Sandpiper straight to the bank, with Charisma's gym bag in his hand. He then went on to the County Courthouse: "Any chance this gigolo is turning himself in to the sheriff?" Don't get the fanfic writers started, VMVO. Using the word "gigolo" about a setting at which handcuffs are plentiful is like drawing moths to a three-alarm fire. Veronica, somehow managing not to run into anyone she knows, follows Gym Guy into the office of the "County Assessor," who's named "Jack Montana." She enters and starts to give the older female assistant therein a line about how the guy seeing the assessor dinged her car, but upon learning that the assessor is alone, realizes that that's whom Charisma's been meeting with. Even though they haven't been sleeping together, I wonder if she asked him to give her an assessment of her ass. After all, he probably had it at the ready.
Veronica goes to see Pope to ask him about real-estate fraud. He tells her that it's generally tough to pull off, because people rarely buy property sight unseen, and even in the case of a REIT, a local assessor makes sure that all properties are sold for fair market value. That makes no sense to me, and the forum posters are quite clear that this is not the case: the assessor appraises the market value of the property when it changes hands, but the appraisal is of little practical value, and isn't even made public for months after it's been made. Also, as was pointed out, how did Big Dick handle the assessors of his other far-flung properties, and what did he do about the one in Japan? The rest of the REIT scheme, the consensus seems to be, is credible (and this part I'm much more familiar with and agree could happen), but the assessor part looks like pure fantasy. Anyway. Pope -- without a ghost of an idea that this is more than just an intellectual exercise -- tells Veronica that if the REIT were to borrow against the wrongly-perceived value of a property, it could use the loan to buy more property, similarly inflate its value, and keep going..."like building a house of cards," Veronica finishes. Veronica advises Pope to sell his interest in the Casablancas company, and tells him all about the scam and how she's going to expose it. She urges him again to dump his stock, but he gently tells her that if he did that, he'd just be sticking someone else with the impending loss, and he can't live with that. Veronica: "Then I guess you won't be taking your early retirement." She looks a little pissed off here, but what Pope is doing is absolutely the right thing, and not just from an ethical standpoint. No one's legally allowed to trade his stock based on information that's yet to become public. That's the definition of insider trading, and if he is in fact an officer of the company, he'd be under a lot stricter scrutiny that anyone else. Of course, given the cushy minimum-security cribs insider traders usually get set up in, if he wants that early retirement, maybe that's the way to go after all. Pope looks wistfully at the picture of his sailboat. Aw.
Chicago. Hey, say hi to Demian! Jazz plays as Keith has his arm around Alicia in a semicircular booth in the aforementioned club. Alicia wonders what the kids are up to, but Keith says that as long as they're not in jail or "setting the evening on fire," he doesn't care. He adds that since he's running for sheriff, it would look bad if Veronica got arrested. That's kind of a clunky add-on. Not only is it hitting us over the head with the foreshadowing, it takes Keith's eyes off the "I'm going to be getting some as soon as they bring the damn check" prize. Alicia asks if he really wants to be sheriff again, with all the associated politics, and the answer, underneath some deflecting humor, is a definite yes. Alicia wonders how Veronica will react, but he tells her that Veronica's the one who talked him into running, which isn't exactly how I remember it. But I guess he doesn't want to give Lamb credit for anything, even if it's credit for being a gigantic asshole. Alicia's impressed, and raises her glass as she tells Keith he's got her vote. They toast to scenes that should be edited more tightly, and celebrate by clapping for an eternity before Alicia asks Keith if he wants to get out of there. Well, duh, Alicia. He's getting tired of thinking unsexy thoughts.
Cut to the two of them working their way out. Some dude at the bar calls out, "Sherri?" Alicia's face freezes, and she hustles Keith out of there as the guy looks after her and calls, "Sher?" Alicia gets Keith to the elevator as the guy appears and calls again, and this time Keith sees and hears him, but still enters the elevator with Alicia. The doors close before the guy can catch them, although time he might want to try PUSHING THE BUTTON. Inside the elevator, Keith asks Alicia if she knows the guy, but she denies it. She then asks him if he knows how to make a mini-bar martini, and he tells her he invented them. I think you probably just knew the person who invented them, but this might be an awkward time to bring up your soon-to-be-ex-wife.
Cut back to the guy, who sees the display indicating that Keith and Alicia have stopped at the third floor. Now the guy's at the front desk, asking the attendant for Keith and Alicia's names. The attendant starts to protest, but the guy flashes a badge and is all, "Just find the name." I wouldn't order room service tonight if I were you, Alicia. You might find this dude at the door ready with a can of whup-ass, and you don't want that, even if everything this weekend is comped.
Karaoke, Hut-style. Some loser named "Lars" is ineffectively warbling his way through "Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair," sung directly at his girlfriend, Jeanie. Dude, if you're going to subject the public to your nauseating stylings, at least do it in a place where they can turn to the bartender and order some shots. Lars sits down and kisses his girlfriend, and then the singer comes up, who just happens to be Courtney Taylor-Taylor of The Dandy Warhols, who just happen to sing the theme song of this show. I just happen to believe that this is not a coincidence. Courtney, after some thinly-veiled snarking on Lars, sings "Love Hurts" in a high register, moving Jeanie to tears. Hee. Lars is incredulous, but he shouldn't be, because I think her tears have less to do with the song message and more to do with the fact that she just realized what a nimrod she's with.
Courtney continues to sing as Veronica goes over to Beaver's table with her PowerBook. He admiringly says he couldn't even find the camera in the Shuffle. Aw, he likes her! Of course, if it's going to work out, he'll have to change his surname, because there's no way Veronica will take the name "Casablancas." So how convenient that Beaver's going to have good reason to ditch the name in about fifteen minutes or so. Veronica says that it may take a little while to go through the pictures, since she set the camera to take one every fifteen seconds. I find it hard to believe that there's enough memory in that little camera to store two thousand pictures. Because if there is, the makers of my digital camera should be the ones under investigation. The bunch of pictures they look at first show Gym Guy in the Sandpiper, doing the sort of business with Charisma that doesn't require shedding clothes. Beaver is confused, and Veronica is about to tell him about his dad's corporate transgressions, but Beaver points out that she has customers, so she hustles off. Veronica, if you're so concerned about making money, I'd suggest you get your grand from Beaver in cash before you take a bunch of zeroes off his net worth. VMVO talks about how guilty she feels to have to break this news to Beaver. I'd complain that I could see that emotion on Veronica's face, except I can't, because her catching sight of Jackie with a handsome, slightly older guy is causing a distinct cat-that-ate-the-canary look to cross her features. Veronica clears her throat, and Jackie's face falls a bit when she sees her. I don't know why, since Veronica SAID SHE WAS GOING TO BE WORKING, but I could buy that Jackie was too busy putting on her typical breathy my-life-is-a-debutante-ball voice at the time to take much notice of anything else. Veronica, with an edge, greets Jackie and "Random Dude," and Jackie, realizing that this isn't going anywhere good, drops the act and leads Random Dude to a table. Well, it's no catfight, but at least there's not going to be any more nonsense about not having the claws at the ready. Veronica goes back to the table to find Beaver gone. But he left behind a picture of a shirtless Logan, so you know he still cares. In the background, however, is Charisma, in the process of unbuttoning her top. Veronica looks down to find the Shuffle gone, as Courtney finishes telling us that love hurts. Again, not so much with the coincidences.
Veronica finds Dick at his locker and asks him where Beaver is. Dick tells her that Beaver didn't come to school and, upon further questioning, reveals that Logan didn't either. He adds, "I thought it was just a coincidence, but now that I think about it..." He puts on a mock-scared face and bites his hand. Veronica makes an exasperated face and pulls out her Sidekick to make a call, but is interrupted by Wallace, Jackie on his arm, asking if they're on for watching the second half of Pride and Prejudice the night. Jackie tries to make a joke, and Veronica asks if she isn't "busy." Nice to know that even when she's in the middle of single-handedly taking down a company and destroying a sham of a marriage, Veronica's not too busy to call this breathy bitch on her shit. Jackie smiles that she's totally free, and Wallace babbles about "Colin Fizzurth." I'm sensing that Wallace isn't going to be asked to narrate "Austen Novels On Tape" anytime soon. Veronica distractedly says that she'll be there, and once the doomed couple departs, she tries her call again. Logan's phone rings, but Charisma grabs it. That's the advantage of having pole position. She notes that the call is from "Veronica," and wonders if they should invite her to join them. Well, why not, Charisma? We already know she approves of your ass. Logan, not seeming at all bothered, tosses the phone away and pulls Charisma down. This scene's quite a bit sweatier than their last sex scene. Logan seems to perform better on the bottom.
Veronica gets Logan's voicemail, and his inspirational message of the day is: "To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the best." I wonder if he'd find Big Dick castrating him for sleeping with Charisma so appealing. Veronica heads for the exit.
Chicago Dude comes out of a diner with some coffee, goes to a pay phone, and looks up Alicia in the directory. I'm starting to doubt that this guy's really a cop, because if he were, you'd think he'd have found Alicia through more high-tech means. Also, he wouldn't have ripped out the page from the phone book -- that's vandalism. On the plus side, it'll save Horace Felcher a ton of inquiring phone calls.
Casa De Killer. Veronica rings the doorbell, but there's no answer. She checks the driveway and sees Logan's Xterra.
Cut to Veronica entering Logan's bedroom. Veronica steps into the overturned-looking room to the sound of the shower running, but the noise quickly subsides, and Logan emerges from the bathroom dressed only in a towel. Jackie heaves a sigh of relief, as the towel quickly tops her on the "Most Hated Thing About Veronica Mars" internet poll. Veronica snarks that she loves what he's done with the place, and he blithely counters that now she knows what she was missing. I'm surprised Logan is so comfortable in that towel, because it's getting a little chilly in here. Veronica asks if his girlfriend is there and, upon further questioning, bites out that she's talking about Charisma. Logan: "That one is less a girlfriend and more a playmate." Yeah, I think we can all agree on the extreme validity of that statement. Veronica -- trying hard to pretend she doesn't care and yet, due to the deep talent of Kristen Bell, subtly yet clearly failing -- asks what he would have done if she were Big Dick. I'm guessing comparing notes would be the wrong answer. Veronica says that the poor little rich boy with a death wish is so clichéd, and the only reason she's there is so that she won't have to feel responsible for exposing his dalliances with Charisma: "Don't take it the wrong way, Logan. It was a job, nothing more." Logan, starting to care, notes that she's leaving "in a burst of professionalism." Veronica admonishes him to start locking his doors, and storms out. That is, until she sees a bunch of framed posters of Haaron's movies in the hallway and is stunned to realize that one of them is for The Long Haul. A lot of posters felt that Logan would have gotten rid of these images, but I could see him enjoying having them around. He is kind of twisted, you know. VMVO realizes that this was the movie that launched Haaron's career, and that it featured a stunt in which a truck went veering over a bridge, a stunt which just happened to be supervised and performed by Curly. Logan, now wearing a shirt, appears and notes that Veronica's version of "storming out" needs a little work. Veronica finally actually leaves, as Logan stands there eatin' an apple. It manages to be interesting when he does it.
Big Dick looks at the pictures of Logan and Charisma. He asks where they came from, and Beaver agitatedly says he couldn't let Charisma do this to Big Dick, so he hired a PI. Big Dick grabs Beaver for a second, and then grabs a briefcase and start putting some files into it until someone on the intercom pipes up that "some gentlemen from the SEC" are there to see him. I suppose that means they'll be very polite and deferential as they slap on the handcuffs. Incidentally, Big Dick's reaction to the photos makes me think he didn't much care how much side action Charisma was getting. Also, it seems a little weird that he would immediately conclude that a private dick hired to take photos would figure out and expose his REIT scheme, but I suppose it's better not to take chances. Big Dick goes out to the main area and tells his employees to shred all their files, and then runs out ahead of the suits as Beaver looks on in consternation. Poor kid. And since it looks like Charisma isn't going anywhere, do you think Logan will make a good stepfather?
On the roof, Big Dick rushes into a waiting helicopter and takes off into the wild blue yonder. I'm not sure in which direction he's heading, so I'll warn Canadians and Mexicans alike: REITs are beat.
Duncan answers a knock on his door to find Veronica. He asks if she's heard about Big Dick, but she tells him that the bus crash was meant for her: "They all died because of me." Given that this is only the third episode, I don't believe that for a second. But I'll pretend not to pay attention to real-world details like that, especially given that this was a killer episode. So: DUN DUN DUN!
time: Mac is back! And so is the Mars Investigations set! Woo!