Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang

Aaaaah. Muuuuuch better.

Neptune High. Veronica walks through the busy hallway as VMVO tells us that college-application time is coming up, and her guidance counselor strongly suggested that she engage in "a little rsum-packing." I guess that can't hurt, although I think Veronica's got a leg up on the rest of her class in the application department. Because if the events of last year made a season of awesome television, I can only imagine she'd be able to distill them into one kick-ass essay. Veronica enters a classroom as VMVO goes on to say that, as of now, she's "a Future Business Leader of America." A jaunty bald middle-aged man introduces the lecturer, who just happens to be "the CEO of Casablancas Enterprises, Mr. H. Richard Casablancas." Given later revelations in the episode, I wonder if the "H" stands for "Huckster." The class applauds. Attendees include Dick, Beaver, Duncan, and Logan. Veronica is the only female, and there are no non-Caucasians, which I'm taking as a deliberate demonstration of who the "Haves" in Neptune are. But given how important entrepreneurial ingenuity can be to a businessperson, I find it hard to believe Mac isn't around. Maybe Big Dick thinks blue hair just doesn't fit into the American corporate image. If you look closely, Beaver does not clap for his dad, which is a nice touch. Dick stops Veronica to ask if she shouldn't be in with the "Future Bootlickers of America." They both give that joke what they each perceive as its due in laughter. You'll be surprised to hear that the two results are a little different. It's interesting, though, that Dick is nastier to Veronica when she doesn't have an 09er boyfriend right by her side. Veronica sits down to Duncan as NVMVO says she chose this big swinging dick seminar because of her "billionaire boyfriend, Duncan Kane." That's Veronica Mars who said that, in case anyone still doesn't know the characters yet. Veronica Mars stage-whispers a question to Duncan Kane about whom they're exploiting now. Duncan Kane: "The workers." Veronica Mars kisses Duncan Kane and gives a Mr. Montgomery Burns "Eeeexcellent." Hee. to them, Logan Echolls drops his burrito, saying now he's lost his appetite. Surprisingly, I don't share that sentiment, as that exchange between Duncan Kane and Veronica Mars was kind of cute. That burrito did look pretty gross, though.

Big Dick looks around the room and gives a quick smile and eyebrow-raise to Dick. Dick waves enthusiastically, but when Beaver tries to do the same, Big Dick doesn't acknowledge him. First lesson to the Future Business Leaders of America: Learn to fake the clapping. Big Dick addresses the class about investing, saying that he prefers real estate to other possibilities because "when I put my money into something, I like to see what I'm getting." Hey, did you guys know that Enron's corporate slogan was "Ask Why"? I don't know what made that pop into my head just now. Big Dick shows an electronic slide detailing Casablancas Enterprises REITs (Real Estate Investment Trusts), which basically allow an investor to pool his capital with that of other shareholders to own pieces of different real estate holdings. Veronica listens to this as she flips through a catalogue showing one of the company's holdings: the "Sandpiper," a beachfront luxury hotel and resort. Big Dick pulls up another slide that shows that his company's earnings have been way ahead of their share price, which...no. Share price is always much higher than earnings per share. That's called a multiple. Even with the highest-quality, most conservative, lowest-growth stocks (sometimes referred to as "value" stocks), the multiple might be five, ten, even twenty times earnings, depending on the historical circumstances. For stock in high-risk industries like biotech, the multiple might be in the hundreds. For example, in the late '90s, many internet stocks were driven up to incredible multiples, because people thought they were the wave of the future. But when the market caught on that earnings were never going to match those expectations, internet stocks crashed. Not that I know anyone who was personally affected by this phenomenon or anything. The point is, the graph is ridiculous. Big Dick asks how the graph looks, and even someone as dim as Little Dick knows that this projection is enough to keep him in new surfboards and trophy wives for the rest of his life. VMVO, however, says it looks like the rich get richer, while everyone else hopes for scholarships. And here I was hoping the fortune cookie Duncan gave her said, "You will not have to pay a dime for college." She did look awfully happy!

Outside, Beaver catches Veronica. She starts to call him "Beaver," but amends it to "Cassidy." I will not be doing the same. Beaver tells her it's cool that she joined FBLA, and then nervously asks if he can talk to her about his dad. Veronica wonders what earthly concerns Big Swinging Dick could have, but Beaver tells her that all Charisma does is spend their money, and what's more, he thinks Charisma is, to paraphrase a condom wrapper, "Living Large," which violates the prenup she signed. Veronica thinks the condom wrapper is hardly proof, so Beaver offers her $500 to get some, in the form of photographic evidence. Veronica asks for an even thousand, and Beaver agrees. Aw, don't gouge The Beav, Veronica. He's already spending all his pocket money on eyeliner. Seriously, as the posters noted, why are they using so much on poor Kyle this season? Unless they're transitioning him into dressing Goth, which I would totally be in favor of, if only to see what few neurons Little Dick has fuse at the sight. Anyway, Beaver gives Veronica a copy of Charisma's schedule, wishes her luck, and takes off. VMVO says she might just be a Future Business Leader of America yet.

Cut to VMVO telling us Charisma's schedule -- "Ten o'clock. Brunch with the girls." Heh -- I'd like to see Charisma in a Sex And The City-type brunch. "Well, I'm nailing the seventeen-year-old murder-accused son of the multi-millionaire acting sensation who slept with and then killed the son's girlfriend. Pass the soy milk?" Noon, pilates; 3 PM, shiatsu massage, organic enzyme facial, "and, I'm willing to wager, a sunshine colonic." I have to say that last sounds like a contradiction in terms, but when all you're really talking about is shoving a hose up your ass, it makes you appreciate the value of a good euphemism. VMVO wonders if she should consider a career as a Neptune trophy wife. Well, considering that the combined net worth of your last two boyfriends is enough to buy you better surveillance equipment than that of the CIA, I'm surprised it hasn't crossed your mind already. By the way, Veronica's walking by a school bus here, and the maker's name is "Thomas." Heh. I wonder if we can look forward to it flattening a murderer later on in the season. Veronica comes across Moustache Cop in the parking lot, who says that Lamb wants to ask her some questions. Veronica: "My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him." Thanks for the reminder that Christmas will be here before we know it. Moustache Cop opens the passenger door, and Veronica holds up her wrists: "Deputy Sachs, take me away!" Watch out for the forum posters in front of you, hon. ["...Really? That guy?" -- Wing Chun]

The intent with this chart was obviously to show that Big Dick's company is doing well. Which is fine, but here's the thing, and I'm going to plug in some real numbers to make this explanation less abstract: say Pope's portfolio was worth $100,000 at the beginning of the first year, just to use a nice round number. That would mean that his Casablancas stock was worth $10,000 (10% of the total value, according to the chart). Say also that the total value of his portfolio grew 50% over that year (an astronomical rate of return for an equity portfolio even in a bull market, but he would have to do around that well at a minimum for his retirement plans to be significantly affected). So at the beginning of the year, his portfolio would have been worth $150,000. Now, for his Casablancas stock to encompass 45% of the total value of the portfolio, it would have to have been worth $67,500, which would mean the value of the stock increased 575% in a single year. For a reasonably-well-established company -- as I assume Casablancas is, given Big Dick's already immense implied wealth -- that rate of growth is completely preposterous. So Pope must have taken a lot of money out of T-Bills and blue-chips and other more secure investments on the chart to buy more of the Casablancas stock, which is the exact opposite of conservative investing and not what someone close to retirement should do at all. Of course, if he's an officer of the company, he might have had some stock options that matured in that year, but regardless, he should have managed his portfolio (i.e. sold off a lot of stock) to keep a reasonable amount of diversification, which would have locked in a lot of the profit that he's going to lose due to events late in the episode. He must really not have wanted to pay some snot-nosed rich kid a cash prize.

Anyway, Pope shows the class a picture of the sailboat he's going to cruise off on once he retires, which Duncan identifies as a "Swan 40." Pope says the restoration's been tricky, and that the hull had to be resealed twice. Logan: "Didn't plug her right the first time, huh?" He turns to stare at Veronica, although the shot's blocked so we don't see her reaction. Some people on the boards thought he was referring to the roofie sex, but that seems exceedingly unlikely to me. This comment seems like a natural addendum to his remark in the last episode about the cuddling being the best part. Anyway, regardless of how he meant it, Duncan cottons on that it's derogatory, and tackles Logan. Nice! I wasn't expecting that. The fight continues into the hallway, where they slam up against some lockers, and then fall to the floor. Well, no one said rich boys fighting is worth Pay-Per-View.

Veronica's drying her hands in the washroom as Wallace comes in and questioningly advances the opinion that Jackie's cool. Veronica: "Is there such a thing as too cool?" Well, that's a bad start. Wallace asks what she means. Veronica: "Are you sure there's not a more 'you' kind of girl at Neptune?" And the start suddenly looks a lot better by comparison. Wallace asks if Veronica thinks he's too small-time for a girl like that, and when the answer is no, he asks what Veronica meant by her comment. Veronica pauses for an NVMVO, and then says that she meant Wallace is too good for Jackie. Wow, Veronica should look into a career in sleight of hand. I didn't even see her pull that comment out of her ass. Jackie enters and smilingly asks what they're up to, and Veronica endearingly says that Wallace wanted to know what kinds of hairstyles drive girls crazy. Jackie says she's a sucker for the wild look, and kisses Wallace. Veronica stands uncomfortably until Duncan rescues her by calling for them. You should thank him for that later, Veronica. Maybe take him sailing?

Cut to the end of the evening, as Wallace and Jackie are getting ready to go. Jackie exposits that they only got through half the story, but sincerely thanks Duncan and Veronica. Wallace suggests that they get together Friday to finish, but Veronica says she has to work, and Jackie says she's busy as well, but that they'll find another might. VMVO bitches that she can hardly wait, and I'll tell you what: if all the VMVOs come in that crabby tone, you'll never see another "N" from me again. Duncan opines that Jackie is cool. Nice to see that his read of his girlfriend's mood is as accurate as ever.

Gym. Veronica and an iPod-equipped Charisma are on adjacent elliptical trainers as VMVO says that Charisma has been all over town, not standing still long enough for Veronica to make her move. Veronica gets off and attracts Charisma's attention, and we get a funny shot of Charisma looking at Veronica talk but not hearing any sound. Boy, if Shuffles can drown people out that effectively, maybe they're worth dealing with Apple after all. Veronica semi-ditzily says she's sorry to bother Charisma, but she noticed that they have the same iPod. Charisma asks what the odds are, and Veronica hilariously looks like she's trying to figure that one out. Charisma, figuring that might take a while, asks if she can help Veronica with something before her heart rate goes out of the cardio zone. Veronica starts a long-winded explanation about how her iPod isn't working right, but she's not sure what the problem is, and she natters on as Charisma makes a hilarious "hurry UP before I brain you with a dumbbell, which would be fitting on more than one level" gesture. Anyway, Veronica's airheadery will not be rushed, but she FINALLY gets to the point, which is that she'd like to borrow Charisma's iPod, and Charisma forks it over with an admonition to make it quick, since she thinks her ass needs some major work. Veronica switches out Charisma's iPod for the doctored one (with the playlist Beaver supplied that so Charisma wouldn't notice, obviously), and keeps up the ditz act for a while before handing the switched one back. She walks off, but pops back to say that Charisma's ass looks "totally awesome." From the look on Charisma's face, Veronica would have saved herself some aggro if she'd just led off with that comment.

Veronica gets Logan's voicemail, and his inspirational message of the day is: "To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the best." I wonder if he'd find Big Dick castrating him for sleeping with Charisma so appealing. Veronica heads for the exit.

Chicago Dude comes out of a diner with some coffee, goes to a pay phone, and looks up Alicia in the directory. I'm starting to doubt that this guy's really a cop, because if he were, you'd think he'd have found Alicia through more high-tech means. Also, he wouldn't have ripped out the page from the phone book -- that's vandalism. On the plus side, it'll save Horace Felcher a ton of inquiring phone calls.

Casa De Killer. Veronica rings the doorbell, but there's no answer. She checks the driveway and sees Logan's Xterra.

Cut to Veronica entering Logan's bedroom. Veronica steps into the overturned-looking room to the sound of the shower running, but the noise quickly subsides, and Logan emerges from the bathroom dressed only in a towel. Jackie heaves a sigh of relief, as the towel quickly tops her on the "Most Hated Thing About Veronica Mars" internet poll. Veronica snarks that she loves what he's done with the place, and he blithely counters that now she knows what she was missing. I'm surprised Logan is so comfortable in that towel, because it's getting a little chilly in here. Veronica asks if his girlfriend is there and, upon further questioning, bites out that she's talking about Charisma. Logan: "That one is less a girlfriend and more a playmate." Yeah, I think we can all agree on the extreme validity of that statement. Veronica -- trying hard to pretend she doesn't care and yet, due to the deep talent of Kristen Bell, subtly yet clearly failing -- asks what he would have done if she were Big Dick. I'm guessing comparing notes would be the wrong answer. Veronica says that the poor little rich boy with a death wish is so clichd, and the only reason she's there is so that she won't have to feel responsible for exposing his dalliances with Charisma: "Don't take it the wrong way, Logan. It was a job, nothing more." Logan, starting to care, notes that she's leaving "in a burst of professionalism." Veronica admonishes him to start locking his doors, and storms out. That is, until she sees a bunch of framed posters of Haaron's movies in the hallway and is stunned to realize that one of them is for The Long Haul. A lot of posters felt that Logan would have gotten rid of these images, but I could see him enjoying having them around. He is kind of twisted, you know. VMVO realizes that this was the movie that launched Haaron's career, and that it featured a stunt in which a truck went veering over a bridge, a stunt which just happened to be supervised and performed by Curly. Logan, now wearing a shirt, appears and notes that Veronica's version of "storming out" needs a little work. Veronica finally actually leaves, as Logan stands there eatin' an apple. It manages to be interesting when he does it.