Driver Ed

Before I start, I'd like to mention that, last season, I came up with the acronym "NVMVO" (the "N" standing for "Network") to describe some of the voice-overs that UPN caringly insists on putting in to help along the short-bus viewers of this show. Of course, up until now, I've had to speculate about which voice-overs actually do come from the network. But this week, I've brokered a one-time-only deal by which I've procured a copy of the network notes, so we can all see for ourselves how much UPN wants to nurture its audience. The bad news is that in return, they're giving me notes on my recap. But really, how intrusive can they be? Network Note: Not very. We only tell you the things that we think are absolutely necessary. Oh, you were being rhetorical. Well, carry on, then.

Lots of previouslies, including the whole Felix murder, which seems tangential at best to the action this week. NN: Murder is sexy. Show that "previously" every week. Also, look up "tangential."

We open at the Hut, on a close-up of Veronica examining all the baked goods inside the glass counter. She takes out a pie filled with some sort of fruit as VMVO asks, "If a school bus traveling forty miles per hour drives off a cliff and plunges ninety feet into the jagged coastline..." Cool, a math problem! I was good at these in high school! She finishes, "...how many seconds do the six high-school students, their teacher, and [the] bus driver have to contemplate the fact that they're about to die?" Well, geez. I don't remember word problems being quite such a buzzkill. Veronica hands a piece of the pie off to another employee as VMVO tells us that one person survived. Duncan appears, wearing an argyle collared shirt, which...no. Veronica asks him how Meg is, and Duncan tells her that Meg's unconscious but "hanging in there." Veronica tells her co-worker (not the Perky Girl from last week) that she's going to take her break now, and leads Duncan behind an unmanned counter as he tells her she has to stop torturing herself. Yes, because if the Lilly murder investigation taught us anything, it's that Veronica is quick to let things go. Also, Duncan has been so cavalier about Meg in general that I'm not sure I believe he would even have gone to the hospital. Veronica says that her degree of guilt is appropriate, since Meg would have been in the limo if not for her. Also, apparently Meg is on artificial respiration, so she won't be on the sidelines yelling for any fall-season sports teams to get their heads out of their asses. Just to address the Meg thing now, many people on the boards felt it was cheap that the one person we know and care about on the bus survived the crash. I can understand that viewpoint, but on the flipside, you could say that having the person Veronica knows and feels responsible for be in a coma indefinitely is crueler. It's not like Meg opened an umbrella and Mary Poppinsed her way to safety. Although I can see that mental image. But it's not as easy as burying Meg, grieving, and moving on. She's going to linger, which will be a constant source of hurt. Of course, it seems likely enough that Meg will wake up with some information about the crash at some point later in the season, which, assuming Veronica gets to talk to her, could set up some very emotionally resonant scenes. But there's no guarantee Meg will live even though she didn't die in the crash, and honestly, I think she probably will die, so maybe they're holding back that payoff for later in the season. I think I'm fine with this plotline, as long as they don't go the amnesia route. Jessica's theMelrose Placerecapper around here. NN: When Meg wakes up for February sweeps, have her rip her hair off.

Veronica drives into the Neptune High parking lot as VMVO tells us that reporters have laid siege to the school, looking to talk to any kids who can give them stories about the deceased. Inside, Veronica enters the girls' bathroom, goes over to the sink, and in the mirror sees a blonde girl with a tough expression on her face. The girl asks if Veronica knows who she is, and Veronica says she does. The girl then inquires as to whether Veronica knew who she was last week, and the answer is no. Two out of three? No, the girl is all, "Your dad drives one bus over a cliff and your days of being under the radar are over." Well, everyone's got to get fifteen minutes somehow. Veronica, in an uncharacteristically wary and unfriendly manner, asks the girl if she wants something, and the girl responds that she needs proof that her dad didn't commit suicide, since their insurance company won't make good on his policy. Veronica starts to point out the difficulties inherent in such an investigation, and declines to help. Given that she was a twist of fate away from dying in the crash herself, I'm thinking Veronica's refusal has more to do with the desire to avoid the painful emotions the investigation would stir up rather than the silly "normal life" idea that took her out of the detective game for all of five minutes. Hoping, anyway.

Some 09er bitch who I think was on at some point last season chooses that moment to enter and give the girl, "Jessie," shit about her dad. She then turns to Veronica and asks if she and Duncan are coming to some party of Logan's. That's weird, because I don't get the sense that our Logan has retained any semblance of his social status from last year, yet it's an uncommon enough name to make me think it's got to be Logan Echolls she's talking about. ["The other rich-asshole Logan I know lives pretty far away to be hosting a party Neptunians might attend." -- Wing Chun] The 09er girl delivers the line with a complete absence of malice, so I guess we're supposed to learn that (a) Veronica's totally accepted by the 09ers now, and (b) no one but the three people involved think Veronica dumping Logan and getting back together with Duncan is any sort of big deal. Actually, I think only two of those people even think it's a big deal, but the other one is, I hope, too busy brushing up on chemistry to have much time to think about anything else. NN: What do you mean? Duncan's a great student! Anyway, Jessie interrupts the rich kids' concerns with a right hook to the jaw of the bitch with the speaking lines, which drops her like a badly-highlighted ton of bricks. Her friends kneel by her side, and Veronica grabs Jessie and says she'll help her, but that she has to chill. So Veronica's only getting involved because she wants to avoid future scenes like this? The old Veronica would have sold tickets and popcorn, and I wouldn't have blamed her. I'd rather see that than a bum fight any day. Credits.

School. Veronica's at her locker. A bitchy 09er girl speculates about whether Meg's face will be normal when she wakes up. Veronica slams the bint's locker closed and stomps off, causing the girl to call her a bitch. Only she went to a special school for overacting where they teach you that "bitch" has four syllables. Duncan appears and asks what's wrong. When Veronica's still too steamed to answer, Duncan tells her she's been listening to "too much Radiohead," and suggests that she try Nelly. Interesting -- I would have thought he'd recommend Robots In Disguise. Veronica emotionally asks how she should be feeling -- happy, like he is? Duncan puts up his hands and backs away with an "oh, that time of the month" look on his face. Yes, the time where YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND IS NEARLY DEAD AND YOUR CURRENT ONE ALMOST DIED TOO AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO CARE AT ALL. Duncan really is acting like kind of a douchebag. Well, it's acting, at least.

Cook, hot baseball star extraordinaire, enters his daughter's bedroom with an overnight bag. Said daughter is Tessa Thompson, but her character's name is Jackie, if I haven't mentioned that before. Cook asks when Jackie is going to get up, and doesn't take kindly to the estimate of another forty minutes. If I had that sweet king-sized bed, I'd never get out of it, but Cook says that Jackie's not missing another day of school. Jackie: "Even if I have cramps?" She should talk to Duncan. We get alternately bitchy and stern dialogue that exposits that Jackie was living in New York with her mom, and the implication is that Jackie would rather make a macchiato than go back to New York and live with her mom, even if it meant picking the coffee beans and milking the cow herself. Cook gives her a set of car keys and tells her he'll be back in a couple of days, and that she should call if she needs anything. Jackie protests that the keys don't look German, but Cook says she'll take the Bronco, not the Porsche. Will her troubles never end?

Apparently yes, as Jackie pulls into the school parking lot in the Porsche. Heh. In study hall, some girl is prattling on about "Cervando," a PCH biker who died on the bus, and was also on the honor roll. Maybe Weevil found out about that and told him to commit hara-kiri. Some other dimwit asks if the PCHers didn't give him a hard time, and the first airhead says that they did at first, "but then they learned to respect it, because that was the kind of person that Cervando was." The kind that causes people to spew prattling nonsense about him after his death? I'm getting that. Wallace looks horribly bored and marginally offended by all of this, bless him. His expression changes, however, when Jackie enters the room, and I'll make your mental picture a lot clearer if I say that his facial expression looks like Pepe Le Pew's after that cat showed up with a white stripe painted on its back. The teacher tells Jackie that she has to go to the attendance office, and she badly delivers her line asking where it is. Wallace raises his hand as enthusiastically as the most nauseating teacher's pet in second grade, all "Ooh! Ooh!" What really sells this moment, however, is that the Babbling Bimbo now turns and gives him a look of disapproval. Hee.

Back to Logan and Charisma. They're making out, seemingly post-coitally, when they hear something. The front door opens in the other room, and they scatter. A rather handsome fortysomething man enters the house, Dick and Beaver trailing behind him, so this is Daddy Casablancas. He's lecturing his kids not to let the country-club valet touch the car in the future, since it always comes back with a scratch. Uh, okay. Daddy C goes in to find Charisma in a robe, doing her nails and listening to her iPod. That's some nice work. One might almost think she's done this before. The forum posters were quick to notice, also, that she might have broken out the nail polish to cover up, um, certain other smells. Gross. Beaver asks why Logan's truck is there (an Xterra, not a Humvee as I said in the first recap of this season, not that I know the difference or would ever buy either one), and Charisma, fast on her feet, says that he's there for the pool, and is upstairs waiting for the younger Casablancases. She gets into her performance by calling after them that she'd prefer their friends not showing up whenever they want. Well, sure -- you have to know a guy for a while before you ask him to earn his red wings. NN: Aw, that sounds cute. Nothing to offend the censors here!

Upstairs, Logan is playing a shooting game. You'd think he would have had enough. Dick and Beaver enter, and Logan overdoes it a little as he complains that Charisma is a bitch. Daddy C enters and asks Logan how it's going. Logan smiles, "Really well, thanks for asking, Mr. C. And you?" Heh. Logan's had a rough summer, so it's nice that happy days are here again. Daddy C says that Logan's welcome there any time. Yeah, he knows. He invites Logan to come with him and "Dick Jr." to the firing range. Well, if Daddy C is Big Dick, you know what that makes his elder son. Sorry, Ryan Hansen. Logan says he'll come as long as he's not the target, and Big Dick fires a finger-gun at him. I guess he thinks Logan's "super-fine." Which would explain a lot about the goings-on in his household. Beaver says he guesses he'll just stay home and knit something, and Logan rubs his head. Aw. I love Beaver. And there's a sentiment I never thought I'd express.

Wallace, in gym clothes, finds Jackie by her car with a slip of paper in her hand, looking distraught. She shows Wallace a dent in her dad's Porsche, and says that whoever did it left a fake note. I wonder if it said, "You're SCREWED, New Girl!" Of course, that probably wouldn't be fake. In fact, the note expresses basically that sentiment, and Jackie says this is exactly what her dad is expecting. Well, not exactly -- he figured you'd bust up the Bronco. Wallace offers to help, and says he knows somebody. He gets out his very own Sidekick (aw) and says they're going to track the scumbag down.

Hee hee hee. We get a look at a shelf full of bus merchandise, which all features a picture of a school bus with wings and a halo, and a caption reading, "We'll never forget." Now this is satire. There are sweatshirts, hats -- even a shot glass! I could really use one of those. Also, "Magic Bus" is playing, and again, hee. Veronica answers her phone, and Wallace asks, "Whatcha doin'?" with a big smile and an awesome Veronica-esque head-tilt. Hee. Veronica bitterly says she's remembering why she's a misanthrope, and tells him about the souvenirs. Wallace backs off and says he'll take care of his problem himself. You should have sent an image of the head-tilt, Wallace. She wouldn't have been able to resist that. Jackie asks what's up, and Wallace fronts that everything's good, since he's on the case. Well, at least he found a subplot. It's an encouraging start.

Sheriff's office. The Woodman busts in to find Keith. He tells Keith to give him good news, and then makes a somewhat amusingly dismayed face as Lamb walks by. Heh. Keith, however, turns The Woodman down. The Woodman takes it pretty well, and shakes Keith's hand and leaves. Before Keith follows suit, however, he sees Jessie insistently pleading with Lamb to reopen her father's case, and Lamb completely blowing her off. Keith takes in the situation with a dark look on his face. That's not an expression that bodes well for his enemies.

Wallace and Jackie are waiting in the school parking lot. Jackie: "What are we doing?" Well, one of you is wrapping up a rather inauspicious debut episode full of shaky line readings and rookie overacting. But as a pair, you are, according to Wallace, "exercising patience." Across the lot, the blonde girl who was listening to that bimbo jabber about Cervando gets into her car, then gets out and reads the note stuck under the windshield wiper. Wallace waves to her and restrains Jackie from playing T-ball with the girl's head, and the girl comes over and asks if Wallace has her spark plugs. Wallace in turn asks for her insurance information; they trade up and the girl stomps off. Wallace opines that the girl won't know how to replace a spark plug, which I hope is less a sexist comment and more an indictment of this particular girl's skill set. Jackie says something about delivering her own brand of justice, only she does it with about eight different grating inflections. She's certainly got her own brand of wearing out her welcome down pat. Wallace tells her that the Spark Plug Girl isn't a student but a reporter, as we see campus security accost her and lead her away. Wallace tells Jackie that he likes his gratitude "in small doses. Spread out over time." Jackie takes the insurance info, gives Wallace a kiss, and says she may have to reevaluate her stance on nice guys. As Jackie gets into her car, Veronica appears and, none too pleased, asks Wallace who that was. When she hears Jackie's name, she responds, "Oh." Hee. But if this girl is supposed to be Veronica's bitchy rival, I think Veronica should be insulted. Then again, it's hard to act insulted when you're wearing a sweatshirt-and-cutoffs combination that brings to mind welding and Irene Cara.

Keith is grating cheese when Veronica arrives home and asks how The Woodman took the news. Keith tells her fine, because he's running. Veronica hugs him and says she feels safer already. Keith tells her she looks different. Veronica looks like she spoke too soon. VMVO says that Keith is sharp, but there's no way he can tell that she's had sex...right? She then apologizes to those of us who watched Buffy, because we've seen this scene before.

Beach. A body lies on the shore -- in fact, it's that of the Hawaiian-shirt votive-candle guy. Creepy, ethereal music plays as Lamb, examining the body, opens the guy's left hand to reveal "VERONICA MARS" written in what looks like black permanent marker. It's just too bad he didn't open the right hand to reveal "IS SMARTER THAN YOU." Nevertheless, DUN!

week: more Beaver, more Lamb, more Charisma. Also, Alicia! Yay!