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Hi, you guys, Meg Manning here. So, I know you guys like her, but Veronica Mars is like, such a bitch! First, she acts all too good to help a basketball player who claims that he falsely tested positive for drugs, when all she's doing is slinging coffee and biscotti to the locals, and...what? Oh, fine, I'll tell you who was at the door. It was Logan, but even his biggest fan didn't have time to squee, since he was covered in blood. Turns out he booted Weevil in the face, knocking him out, and the bikers beat Logan up. When he came to, he was on the ground with a knife in his hand to Felix's bloody corpse. He barely had time to get his story out before Deputy Leo came to arrest him. Leo was just jealous, I bet. Logan got off the charge of killing Felix due to lack of evidence. But his release led to a rift between Veronica and Weevil (go, Biker Boy!), as well as some festering violence between 09ers and bikers. However, Logan was still pals with Dick and Beaver (who are in the opening credits, now), and even Veronica was getting along with the Casablancas boys, at least temporarily. Although she may not be too psyched if Logan keeps ogling their stepmother, Charisma Carpenter. How do you like them apples, Veronica? Also, the Kane parents are up in Napa being boozehounds, although I'm not sure how they're testifying at their trial, and Aaron Echolls is in jail. Tension between the neo-Jets and the neo-Sharks escalates, culminating in Veronica dumping Logan. She's doing you a favor, honey! Oh, speaking of breaking up, did I tell you Duncan totally dumped me on the last day of school right after he learned Veronica wasn't his sister? Tacky, right? According to Veronica, he made a play for her and succeeded, but I know she batted her eyes at him as she poured his coffee and slipped him some free Danish. Cooze! (I just learned that word. I still cringe a little when I say it.) So in the present, Wallace gets busted for drugs too, as do various other athletes, including me. Since precious Wallace is in trouble, Veronica comes back into the detective fray. Of course, she tried to talk to me, but I was all "Step! Off!" I've never said that to anyone. It felt good. So it turns out that the beneficiaries of all these benchings are the children of officers of some corporation called "Boatloads of Fun," so now I'm back on the cheer squad, but I bet Veronica's dad (who's totally writing a book about the Lilly Kane case, btw) was the one who figured that out. I don't hate him for fathering a harlot. She probably gets it from her mom, lol! Some new girl named Jackie Cook, whose dad was a Hall of Fame baseball player, is in the opening credits too. (They were going to put me in, but my agent totally said to hold out for more money. Cross your fingers!) So I get stuck going on a school trip to a baseball field to meet Cook and mayoral candidate Steve Guttenberg, like I even care about baseball if I'm not cheering, and of course the Couple That Must Not Be Named is along for the ride. (Good one, huh? Being snarky is fun.) So then the Casablancas boys get hold of a limo and save the CTMNBN from the school bus, and they offer me a ride too but I'm all "As. If." But then the bitch has the nerve to get on the bus and try to talk to me again! But she gets distracted sort of making up with Weevil at a gas station and I tell the bus driver to leave. Ha! So now we're just heading home and...hey, aren't we going kind of fast toward that cliff? The one without the guardrail? Oh, crap! I'm totally firing my agent. I wonder if Brad Bufanda and Amanda Seyfried want to have drinks sometime? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Yay for the new season! Welcome, or welcome back, depending on whether you were around last year. Let's get to it.
A longer-haired Veronica leads three teenaged girls to a table at a café as VMVO tells us, "Normal. That's the watchword." That certainly works well with the primary definition of "watchword," since very few people on this show are familiar with it. She goes on to say that she's ready for the new school year, which starts the day, since she has a best friend and a boyfriend, and Lilly's killer is behind bars, so everything is just peachy keen. (She actually says "hunky-dory," but no one's going to foist any nineteenth-century adjectives on me when I'm perfectly capable of coming up with them myself.) Veronica tells the girls that a waitress will be right with them. At first, I couldn't believe that Veronica got a job up front with no experience, but she waits tables later in the episode, so maybe the waitstaff switches off covering the door. VMVO says that she's got a normal job, but she just wishes fewer of her classmates showed up to her place of employment. Whether she still hates their guts generally or has merely learned that they're terrible tippers is unclear, but either way...
...that's her cue to greet a "Kelvin Moore," who tells her that he needs her help: he got kicked out of "athletics" for his entire senior year for failing the mandatory drug test, despite having been clean for almost the past ten months. If that failure gets you out of Gym, I wouldn't ask too many questions, kid. Since Kelvin flunked the drug test the year before, Veronica makes him give her his hands and swear that he's clean, which he does, and then asks if she thinks he was lying. Veronica says she doesn't know: "I just wanted to see if you'd do it." Buffy goes on to say that she doesn't do that kind of work anymore and...oh, whoops. I confused this with another season premiere. (Which was my first recap! Aw, nostalgia!) Veronica says that Kelvin should perhaps contact Encyclopedia Brown. I don't know if that's such a good idea since, given what we soon learn about Kelvin's tolerance for nerds, he'd probably just end up kicking that skinny know-it-all's ass. Kelvin bites out that it's true what "they" say -- that Veronica landed a rich boyfriend, and she's an 09er now: "Last year was just some big old act for you." With all due respect, I didn't write twenty-two recaps last year for some "act," so can it, Drug Boy. Veronica, for her part, looks bummed that Kelvin's pegged her innermost thoughts so well. It was easy, Veronica -- he just listened to "VMVOs on Tape" on the car ride over. He goes on to say that you have to "pick sides in this town these days," because if you're going to beat people over the head with a theme, it's best to start early and pace yourself so that your arm doesn't get tired. Kelvin leaves with a sarcastic "Sleep well," but VMVO isn't fazed: Kelvin is a bully, so she'll sleep just fine.
Some woman calls Veronica over to the TV and tells her that Keith is on. We see Keith being interviewed by Julie Chen in split-screen. Now, I'm sure you're all aware that Ms. Chen is married to Leslie Moonves, President and CEO of CBS and thus overseer of UPN, so you don't need me to make any comments about people involved with this show knowing what side their split-screen is buttered on. Or something. Julie Chen notes that, after Lilly was murdered, the press made Keith out to be a "Barney Fife character." I certainly hope Keith never follows in Don Knotts's footsteps, if only for sartorial reasons. Julie Chen asks Keith whether he's feeling redemption. Keith says he's really only feeling relief, as his image fills the screen and a caption comes up telling us that he's co-author of the book Big Murder, Small Town. Keith confesses that he did have days and weeks of doubting himself. That's the nature of Nielsen ratings. VMVO sighs about the book, saying that Keith didn't want to do it, but what with the medical bills for Keith's convalescence and Lianne's stealing enough money to keep her in booze for at least a year, he had no choice when the crime reporter from the San Diego Tribune secured a book advance for Keith's story. I assume that's Keith's co-author there, then. Veronica's friend or co-worker or whatever says that Keith is hot. I wonder what her handle is. Keith goes on to say that he knew the Kanes were lying about the circumstances of the night of the murder. Julie Chen asks about the night Haaron was captured, and notes that Keith was nearly burned to death saving Veronica. VMVO urges Keith to lay it all out -- saving Veronica, getting rushed to the hospital: "Daughter's night? Just beginning." Hey, don't make this about you!
Too late. Knock knock knock. 3:07 AM. Veronica wakes up. "I was hoping it would be you." Well, me too, considering it still could be Jake Gyllenhaal, for all I know. We see a silhouette of a guy standing with his back to Veronica. Her smile fades as she realizes, "Logan?" There are two possible interpretations to this little moment. One is that she mistook Logan for Duncan, which isn't that much of a stretch. The other is that she saw or sensed that something wasn't right, which, given that a bloody and battered Logan can hardly stand before falling into her arms, also has something to it. I like the ambiguity, but if I had to pick an explanation, I'd go with the former. It's true that Veronica had business to discuss with both of them, but she had reason to think that Duncan would come see her, but would be delayed with his parents' arrest and all. She didn't know anything about Logan's whereabouts. Plus, I know I don't open the door for anyone with a serene smile when the first thing I have to tell him or her is "Your dad was boffing your girlfriend, killed her, and then almost killed me." I rarely open the door with a serene smile at all, but definitely not in that situation.
Cut to Veronica sponging the blood off Logan's face as he lies across her lap on the couch. Logan tells her that Weevil and the PCHers got him alone on the bridge. Then we're in a flashback-within-a-flashback of the scene we saw in the season finale. In voice-over, Veronica asks what Logan was doing there, and Logan -- without saying it in so many words -- says that he was going to follow his mother's example. Well, at least the water would have been nice and clean. I can't imagine it takes collagen that long to wash out to sea. Weevil strides over to Logan, and it's worth noting that he's got his hands in his jacket pockets and has actually turned to look at a loudly honking vehicle, and therefore is completely unthreatening at this particular moment, when Logan takes the opportunity to boot him across the face and knock him out. Felix says that Logan doesn't know what he just did, and he and a couple other PCHers haul Logan down and toss him on the ground. The gang then reenacts the "beatdown" they gave Chardo, and I'm wondering if Logan was in a traffic accident on his way to Veronica's, because he sure didn't sustain those injuries from the PCHers zealously taking out their frustrations on the asphalt. Back in her apartment, Veronica tells Logan he's lucky to be alive. He shushes her, since he's still not done with his flashback...
...wherein some dude is waking Logan's bloody ass up. The guy tells him that he's called an ambulance, so Logan should just lie there, and also, it would be nice if he dropped the knife in his hand. Logan looks down at the nasty-looking job in his hand, and then up at Felix's corpse. Oh, Veronica. You're going to date a boy like that?
Back in the living room, Logan says he didn't stab Felix, and Veronica sincerely says that she believes him. Logan says that he threw the knife in the water, got in his car, and drove. I have to note that this all seems highly suspect. The guy who found Logan casually told him that he called an ambulance while Felix's corpse is all, "I'm right here, dude"? I mean, wouldn't this guy have called the police as well, and maybe attempted to disarm Logan himself? Something's not right here. And with that, I'm going to put on my Captain Obvious hat. It's got a propeller and everything! Veronica winces, knowing that Logan's deserting the scene didn't do him any favors, and then starts to broach the subject of Haaron, but Logan says he already knows: apparently the video star is killing on the radio. Logan cries in Veronica's arms until there's a knock at the door. It would be hilarious if it were Duncan, and she opened the door and was all, "I was hoping it would be you...ten minutes ago!" But it's actually Deputy Leo, who says he's looking for Logan: he saw Logan's SUV. Veronica sighs in resignation and opens the door, but Leo takes a moment to stroke one side of Veronica's face. I hope he's just taking a look at a bruise she got from Haaron or something, because if he's trying to win her back, given that he hasn't locked up the current boyfriend yet, I'm thinking it might be a little too soon. Leo reads Logan his rights as Veronica defeatedly slumps against the door. Nice work by Max Greenfield there.
Back in the coffee house, VMVO gives the rather obvious view that a lot happened to her over the summer, and then Veronica turns off the TV. Her friend complains that she was watching it. Now, I'm no editor, but given that this episode is stuffed fuller than a FEMA suggestion box, I'm thinking that scene could possibly have been cut.
School. VMVO tells us that senior year is a fresh start, and that she should try not to screw it up. Wallace falls into step to her, and she bellows, "Seniors rule!" and body-checks him. Hee. Percy Daggs, for his part, does a good job of pretending that he just got hit by something that weighs more than any product made by Nerf. Wallace complains that Veronica didn't call him back the night before. Veronica: "Don't go getting all girl on me!" Wallace informs her that he failed his drug test, just as Kelvin and five other athletes did, while "Jimmy Day," the starting quarterback, passed even though he regularly partakes of certain herbal remedies. He's probably a little young to cry glaucoma. Veronica tells us that, in Neptune, nothing happens accidentally, just to give the themes of normality and class warfare a break in the rotation. Wallace tells Veronica that one 09er did fail the drug test -- Meg. Veronica's shocked, and starts to stride away purposefully as Wallace asks if she'll help. She's all, duh, and gives the obligatory Pacino "Just when I think I'm out..." Godfather III quote. That's how I feel running through my DVR series record list every at the beginning of every season, honey. Credits.
They've updated all the cast shots, and added Ryan Hansen and Kyle Gallner (Dick and Beaver) to the main cast, along with some girl named Tessa Thompson. Well, a lot seems to be going on this season. I'd sleep with one eye open, New Girl.
School. Wallace is telling Veronica about the procedure for the drug test. Considering that he doesn't get more specific about a certain part of it than that he "[went] into the stall and [did his] business," I'm wondering exactly what it was they tested. But I guess it's safe to assume that it's urine, or Wallace would be babbling about the magazines he got to look at as part of the deal. His point, anyway, is that no one could have switched the samples. Veronica asks Wallace when he's working "office aid" this year, but Wallace tells her he's not. Veronica: "Yeah, that doesn't work for me." Yes, there have been some subtle indications of that, such as ALL YOUR INTERACTIONS LAST SEASON. Wallace blames his mother -- she wants him to get a better education -- but produces a copy of the master key and a number of administrative passwords. Veronica says she's going to try to find a connection among the people that failed the test, and asks Wallace whether he has any enemies. Wallace volunteers the Klan, which Veronica rejects. Wallace: "I guess that leaves everybody that hates you." Veronica gives him a sardonic look. Wallace then asks where "your boyfriend" is, and is told that he's taking the first couple of days off school to visit his dad. Ooh, party foul, here. If you're going to misdirect, you have to do it seamlessly, and I can't imagine that Veronica wouldn't say Duncan [SPOILER!] was visiting his parents, unless Jake got sick of Celeste's crap and got Wiedman to shut her up in his own special way. Which...would be pretty cool, actually. In addition, Wallace asks why "he" would want to visit his dad, and Veronica agrees that it's crazy, and again...not so much, considering it's Duncan. This is a little cheap, I'm sorry to say. VMVO says that she'd like to continue to have a secret relationship, but that it's going to be to impossible...
...and we're in a coffee-shop flashback. Veronica's co-worker points out Duncan and tells her he asked to sit in her section. Veronica goes over to him, and they smilingly greet each other. Veronica notes she hasn't seen him, and he says that with the 'rents on trial and all, it's been hectic. Also, with all the new people in the main cast, there's no way they're shelling out for Kyle Secor and Lisa Thornhill, and Secor's on Commander In Chief this season anyway. At least, that's what I take Duncan's statement that his parents "moved up to the Napa house for the duration" to mean. I don't know how they're going to testify from the Napa house, but the man who put streaming video on the map can probably figure out a way. Duncan says that he doesn't want to transfer for his senior year, and tells her that he's got the Presidential Suite at the Neptune Grand. He says this with an adorably dorky eyebrow-raise. Veronica's co-worker butts in to tell Veronica that her boyfriend's there. She turns to see Logan (who hangs back for a second), and then turns back to Duncan who, in a less affable manner, asks for a latte with his awkward. Veronica kisses a severely bruised Logan, which means that the timeline is fucked, because if Logan's still so beat up, it has to be pretty soon after the bridge incident, yet Veronica acted like she hadn't seen Duncan in weeks.
Back in the present, VMVO tells us that Logan and Duncan don't speak anymore: "I guess that's what happens when your best friend starts dating your ex." Good point. Also, from a scientific standpoint, it's nice that they redid the experiment with the participants reversed. You have to make sure there isn't any bias. VMVO goes on to say that she's supposed to be looking into the drug-test thing. She goes over to Kelvin's table and says that she's had a change of heart. Kelvin's wise to the Wallace factor, but no one really cares, so Veronica asks who would want to set him up, noting that he picks on "the weak and helpless." Kelvin says that there was one kid who swore he'd ruin Kelvin's life, but "he doesn't have the cojones." The mention of cojones brings back happier times, when the show was young, and Weevil and Logan were just discovering how much they identified with the male characters in Y Tu Mama Tambien. Anyway, they call the kid in question "Butters," which is awesome. Butters was showing off on the pegboard before gym, so Kelvin pantsed him. So that's how he knew he didn't have the cojones. I just hope he didn't find Mr. Hankey.
Veronica interviews an Asian girl, who says that her parents are getting sued by "Boatloads of Fun Corp," and mentions that "Steve Wacker's parents" are part of it. Her dad leased a house to a group of families that call themselves by that moniker, and the roof leaked in one room, and now they're demanding all their money back. Perhaps they need a new name because, as Veronica notes, they don't sound like much fun at all, and what's more, if they like boats so much, you'd think they could deal with a little water. Also, it's a pretty distant leap for this girl to think that she might have failed a drug test because of a leaky roof in a house her father rented out, so the resolution comes off as a little ham-fisted.
Veronica then interviews a kid who says that he beat out "Jennings Crawford" for #1 singles slot last year. Jennings's parents freaked, and tried to have the coach fired. They even brought in Ilie Nastase to testify that Jennings was a better tennis player than the kid. Nastase also testified that the kid was completely gay, but that testimony was ruled inadmissible, if true. The kid leaves, and VMVO tells us that there used to be one 09er girl who was her friend. Well, sure, but she got bashed in the head with an ashtray and...oh. Veronica's talking about Meg. VMVO goes on to say that when Duncan dumped Meg, she blamed it on Veronica, and things have been chilly, at best, ever since. Veronica accosts Meg and tries to make small talk about senior year, which probably isn't the way to go. When that fails, she asks if Meg can think of anyone who would want to set her up. Meg: "Well, there is this one person. I used to think she was a friend, but yeah, now that I think about it? She'd have no reservations, and she definitely has the talent to pull it off. Let me know if you have any luck tracking her down, okay?" Looks like bitterness does wonders for your sarcasm skills. I never would have guessed.
Inside, Veronica sets off a metal detector, a new addition to the school because of the tensions, which didn't happen accidentally even though normal is the watchword. VMVO tells us to guess who the lightning rod is...
...and then we're in flashback as Logan is escorted out of the courthouse by his ostensible lawyer amid a loud crowd of demonstrators. VMVO says that the motorist who was there when Logan woke up left the scene before the police arrived, and the knife used to stab Felix was never found. Logan's attorneys took apart the PCHers' testimony, noting that they were there to kill Logan, and that, if Logan did, in fact, stab Felix, it was in self-defense. Logan gets into a car inside which Veronica is waiting. He looks pretty shaken up as VMVO tells us that the DA decided he didn't have enough evidence to convict Logan, so he dropped the case, and the town went crazy about "another rich kid getting off scot-free."
Chez Mars. Veronica has snapshots up on a whiteboard, and under the photos she's busy writing the framed kids' names and sports. ["And misspells 'volleyball,' which bugged me for the entire hour." -- Wing Chun] Wallace is freaking that the failed drug test goes on his permanent record. There's no point in worrying too much about that, Wallace. Why fret about how it might affect your future when, if your mom finds out about it, you won't live to see another sunrise? Veronica mentions the pantsing incident, and Wallace volunteers that he was there for that. He says that Butters was livid, and said he would get even. Veronica quickly realizes that everyone who failed the test was there to see Butters in all his pantsless "glory."
Cut to the living room, as Veronica says she'll talk to Butters the day. Keith comes home, and Veronica tells him she knows "a twenty-four-year-old floozy who thinks [he's] hot." I'd be a little put off about Veronica describing her friendly co-worker in such a manner, but making Veronica think about her dad in that way certainly buys her an insult or two. Wallace is all, "Ah-HEM," but Keith says that he and Alicia have an understanding: "I behave myself, and she doesn't leave me." I wonder if she drafted that one after Keith dumped her for the alcoholic thief. Keith hams it up that he worships the ground Alicia walks on, and Wallace, anxious to hold on to his lunch, leaves. Keith and Veronica banter about Veronica's first day of school, and Keith asks if she had any premarital sex. Veronica: "Yes. But don't worry, Dad. I swear you're gonna like these guys." Hee. They hug, and then Keith asks where the heck his turkey pot pie is. Veronica looks like she thinks that's a dorky reference. Don't knock The Breakfast Club, Veronica. Or I might have to tell you, as they do in the TBS dubbed version on numerous occasions, to go flip yourself.
School. Veronica goes up to a kid and asks, "Butters?" The kid bites out, "'Butters' is the name of the weak loser suck-up on South Park. 'Butters' implies soft, fat..." "...but oh-so-delicious," Veronica finishes. Hee. I'd just add that if this kid was trying to show off on the pegboard, he wasn't likely to need any help embarrassing himself. ["Also, Butters rules. He can tapdance!" -- Wing Chun] Veronica brings up the pantsing incident to Butters, whose real name is Vincent. Don't get used to seeing it in print. Butters doesn't admit to framing the kids, but isn't exactly displeased at their misfortune. Veronica cautions Butters that if she tells Kelvin he's responsible for his plight, Kelvin will take his head off. Butters looks down the hall and says he doesn't think that will happen. He then greets his dad, who just happens to be VP Clemmons. Well, okay, but apparently he didn't do all that much about the pantsing incident, so wipe the smug look off your face, Butters. You're still not even as cool as Kenny, and he can't talk and dies in every episode.
School, at night. Veronica and Wallace sneak in and open Clemmons's office with the purloined key. On Clemmons's desk, we see a shot of Butters, who can't even smile for a photo. Then again, I don't think I've seen Clemmons smile yet in the run of the series, so maybe we're supposed to take the view that school administrators have humorless households. My world, she is rocked. Veronica busies herself in finding the right passkey among the many she brought to unlock the permanent-record filing cabinet, but realizes that Clemmons's key, which he's uber-conveniently left in his desk drawer, will do even better. Wallace grumbles about what they're doing and where their ethical line is, and I'd suggest that if these questions are important to you, Wallace, you might have asked them BEFORE YOU GAVE VERONICA THE KEY AND PASSWORDS. I mean, if you're worried you're already on a slippery slope, you want to avoid spilling Crisco. As Veronica examines Wallace's file, she muses that what happened is probably that Clemmons was forwarded the test results, but that Butters altered those of the kids who failed before his dad examined them. Not to question your legendary detective skills, Veronica, but I would think Clemmons would have looked at them right away: it's probably the most exciting thing that happens to him all year. Not to mention it's fodder for his principals-only chat room (www.largeandincharge.com ["I cannot tell you how shocked I am to learn that URL isn't currently in use." -- Wing Chun]).
Anyway, Veronica quickly ditches her theory after analyzing the lab reports and determining from various factors that they couldn't have been tampered with. Wallace thinks that means he's screwed, but Veronica speculates that the results might have been accurate, and Wallace he might simply have ingested an illegal substance without knowing it. It hurts me to harp on the shoddy detective work here, but it is part of my job, so I have to point out that this theory, as well as the original theory that Butters changed the test results of the kids who failed, completely ignores the 09er stoner whose results came back negative. It's a relatively subtle point, but given that Veronica wastes several minutes of this jam-packed episode on an investigation she should have known to skip, it's an error that really should have been avoided. Anyway, Veronica asks whether Wallace ate any suspicious brownies, and he brightens as he says that, on the day of the "Back To School Athletics Banquet," there were spirit boxes in their lockers, containing not brownies but cookies. Veronica asks if he ate any. Wallace: "I ate six." Heh. No wonder Veronica made him snickerdoodles. She knew they wouldn't go to waste. Veronica says she's going to stop at the drugstore, and Wallace tells her he'll follow her, since she doesn't want to go out alone. VMVO tells us that that's probably true, since after the DA dropped the charges against Logan, Neptune became a different place.
Flashback. Logan and Veronica make out in his car, parked near Veronica's apartment. Veronica jokes that Keith probably has the sights of a rifle trained on Logan. Logan tells Veronica that she's lucky she's not out there with some "pretty-boy jerk." Well, I rarely see a post that doesn't call Logan at least one of those words, but I think most people will at least agree that he's not a boy. And he certainly won't be after Charisma Carpenter gets through with him. Veronica jokes that he is pretty, but he says what he means is that he's in love with her. Veronica smiles, pleased, and makes a joke about second base, but doesn't voice the reciprocal sentiment. Which is just as well for a number of reasons, not the least of which are the many shocking things that have been done by Echolls family members in the name of love. No wonder playing "That's Amore" around them is like waving a flag at a bull. Anyway, Logan and Veronica assume a more comfortable and less vertical position to continue their spit-swapping, but they hear the sound of a motorcycle, and then one of the windows of Logan's car explodes in a shower of glass. I still think that was Keith. As a former cop, he certainly knows how to fire a warning shot. Logan and Veronica pop up and look after the cycle, shaken up. Perhaps driving a yellow Humvee isn't the best way to maintain a low profile in a town that hates you, Logan. Come to think of it, they'd probably hate you just for the Humvee alone, so it's just a bad idea on all counts.
Veronica knocks on her bathroom door and asks Wallace if he's done with his, as he called it, "business." Wallace tells her that she's not helping his, uh, performance anxiety. Well, if Keith and the absent Alicia keep making time, sharing a bathroom with Veronica might be something you'll have to get used to. On the plus side, you'll be able to inhale the snickerdoodles right off the baking sheet. Veronica reads off the drugs the test detects right as Keith walks into the room with a "What's up, honey?" Heh. Veronica blabs that Wallace's snake is having some problems with drainage. Keith: "Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?" (It's possible that's a shout-out to the clip art we used as the icon for the section.) Veronica asks Keith to give Wallace some pointers. Keith sighs and walks over to the bathroom door and suggests that Wallace turn the water on, which he already has. Keith: "Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work." Hee hee hee. Wallace screams in agony, and Veronica ejects Keith from the room, but not before he can do a little demonstration. Better pack those academic and extracurricular calendars, kids, because if your parents tie the knot, this is going to be what every dinner is like.
Sometime later, Veronica pronounces Wallace's urine clean, which tosses the Butters theory right out. Thanks for catching up, hon. Wallace sighs that it's going to be a grim year for Neptune athletics, since everyone on the whiteboard is a star player. If you do say so yourself, Wallace. You'd think someone who swaggers around the locker room wouldn't be quite so shy about taking a piss. Veronica asks Wallace for the names of the kids who will benefit from the unfair suspensions, and writes them on the whiteboard. One of them is Shelly Pomroy, who's apparently the Tino of this show, and another is the aforementioned Steve Wacker. Veronica calls Keith in, tells him about Wallace's plight, and asks if he can find out the names of the shareholders of Boatloads of Fun Corp. Keith sits at her computer and spits out six surnames, five of which match exactly to the five beneficiaries of the failures. There's some initial confusion about the sixth name, but Veronica realizes that it's the druggie 09er who passed. Oh, yeah, I forgot about him. Commercials.
I have to note that it's a little pat that every single member of the board had a child on an athletics team at Neptune. Unless that's why they formed the company, in which case they really need a new hobby. What do they think golf clubs and Junior League are for?
Journalism room. Veronica tells Wallace that the BoFC parents must have bought off someone at the testing facility. She says she's going to send an email to each of the partners, of the "I Know What You Did This Summer" ilk. It will appear to be from the lab tech who signed off on the results, requesting a new financial arrangement. Wallace points out that they don't know that was the guy who changed the results, but Veronica thinks that's irrelevant: it will still scare the partners. I'm not sure she should count on shaking up a group of scruple-less people with a weapon that could be defeated by a good spam filter. An attractive young woman ["Naima!" -- Wing Chun] interrupts to ask Veronica for her permission slip, which Veronica duly forks over. The woman leaves, and Wallace identifies her as the new journalism teacher. Veronica: "She seems all right." I look forward to having numerous opportunities to judge that for myself. Veronica goes on to say that the teacher is taking anyone from newspaper, yearbook, and broadcast news to the baseball field where the "San Diego Sharks" play the day. Wallace expresses surprise that Veronica's going, not because she doesn't like baseball, but because she doesn't like people. Veronica says she's just a normal girl going on a normal field trip. Wallace: "Normal is the watchword." I hit the eight-second button several times in succession to make sure that sinks in.
Hallway. Veronica passes Weevil and three PCHers we've never seen before, all of whom stare at her. Weevil's got a tattoo on his right arm that I've never noticed before, reading "The Good Must Suffer." Quite a bad-ass sentiment for a tat that looks like it was done by a professional calligrapher. The camera pans back around to show Veronica pass them with a hard look on her face as VMVO tells us that, these days in Neptune, you're forced to choose sides. Can I take the side with the less repetitious themes? Thanks.
Flashback. Veronica holds Logan's arm outside school as VMVO tells us that Logan had to take summer school because he missed all his finals due to the "Like father, like son" Echolls arrests. She'd come down to school to have lunch with him. Logan tells her that Trina is negotiating to sell her version of the Haaron story, only she wants to play herself, while the producers are insisting on Tara Reid. Heh. For you newcomers, that's a little in-joke that's explained here. Veronica says that Trina wasn't even there, but Logan answers that no one cares, and then asks whether she thinks the producers could get Tom Welling to play him. A quick look at The Futon Critic's ratings for the Smallville premiere...surprisingly suggests no. Well, thanks for ruining a perfectly good joke, loyal slaves to the HoYay. Dick Casablancas calls Logan's name. Getting out of his car, he adds, "And Logan's special lady friend who I approve of wholeheartedly and without reservation." Hee. While his character may have been a one-note douchebag last season, I never had a problem with Ryan Hansen's acting, and I think Kyle Gallner has been really good so far, so I'm excited about the Casablancas boys being added to the main cast. It doesn't mean it's not weird that Veronica seems to have no residual anger at Dick from the body shots incident. But she did destroy his surfboard, his most treasured possession, and what's more, he was awake to see it. Beaver appears, and Veronica greets him as "Cassidy." Aw. Dick and Beaver load several containers of gas into Logan's car. Veronica asks what the gas is for, and Logan hesitates for the briefest of seconds before he says they're going to burn "Pan Sucks" into the grass at the Pan High football field. Dick too-eagerly pipes up his agreement, but Veronica knows that to find the truth, one must, to paraphrase the old saying, cherchez la beaver. What? Anyway, Beaver hangs his head guiltily.
Back in the present, VMVO tells us that, the day, the community pool at the city park caught on fire, and it had to be closed for the rest of the summer. ["How do you burn a pool? Was it full of grappa? I don't care, really -- I'm taking that as a Clone High reference, though it would have been cooler if they'd flipped the bitch." -- Wing Chun] VMVO says that all the 09ers have pools in their back yards. That, and no one but an 09er could afford to waste that much gas. If only they hadn't burned it, they would have been doing the less fortunate a favor.
By way of transition, we see a shadow pull itself into a cannonball, and then Beaver hits the water, splashing Logan and a shirtless Dick. Dick warns Beaver not to make him go all Ordinary People, but Beaver points out that it's the older brother who drowned. Not only that, but he had bushy blond hair, so Dick had better watch it. Of course, Kyle Gallner in turn needs to watch that he doesn't grow up to be Timothy Hutton. Dick asks Logan if he's ever going to show up and school, but Logan boohoos that no one cares, and that he's practically an orphan. If no one cares about you, I don't know why you're going to the trouble of shaving your pits. It's not like the difference in your personal wind resistance is going to help you outrun a motorcycle gang. Suddenly the door to the house opens, and the bamp chicka wow wow starts up as Charisma Carpenter comes strolling into the pool area sporting a black bikini, a margarita, and a pink flowery window treatment. Dick ogles his stepmother (for that's who she is) inappropriately yet hilariously, and Logan puts a pillow over his shorts. It's too bad that children's book series wasn't named Where's Woodrow, because that would mean I just found him. Twice. We hear some banter regarding the fact that Beaver scored 400 points higher on his SAT than Dick did, and that Charisma doesn't cook. I'll just let those two statements settle which is the bigger surprise themselves. Charisma walks into the pool, and Beaver, noting that the capacity of Logan's and Dick's brains is even more diminished than usual, calls them "twisted." More in-jokes follow about Charisma's cheerleading days, although they say that the character (Kendall is her name) was a Laker girl, when Charisma actually cheered for the San Diego Chargers. Charisma looks great here, by the way. She's been horribly overtanned at times in her career, to the point where I worried that she would become a female Ralph Lauren. Not so here. Dick asks what Logan's doing that night, and in turn Logan gives him the Shocker hand gesture. I won't explain what it looks like or what it means, but I will say one thing: from the reaction of many people on the boards who were previously unfamiliar with this gesture, to say it's aptly named is like saying the censors sometimes miss things on this show. Dick tells Logan he can respect that, and they toast each other's, er, hand gestures. I hope their hands are clean. I don't need to know that Dick and Logan are the Shocker equivalent of blood brothers.
Restaurant. Veronica greets a couple who are there to see the lab tech. She shows them to a table at which the other members of BoFC are sitting. The recriminations start to fly. Unfortunately for the BoFC people, Veronica has left a bug on the table, and she can hear everything they say. So, too, can Clemmons, who's sitting across the restaurant with his own earpiece, apparently having been briefed by Veronica. She asks if he's heard enough, and he answers in the affirmative. This is Veronica's co-worker's cue to tell her that her boyfriend is there. Calm down, Perky. She seems a lot more excited for this one, but maybe it's because he doesn't look like he just had to fill in for one of his bum fights. Veronica smiles, walks forward, and is swept up by...Duncan. Oh, I spoiled that for you earlier. Well, then I'll just inform you that while normal may be a watchword, the fact that Veronica tongues her boyfriends in front of her customers is fast becoming common knowledge.
Veronica waits by the school bus. VMVO tells us that her love life got complicated over the summer, as Duncan appears and they smile at each other. As Duncan happily walks over to her, Logan's voice cuts in from offscreen: "Ah, young love." Veronica turns to see him leaning against the school bus. Unintimidated, Veronica and Duncan hold hands, and Duncan makes a comment about Logan's Jets rumbling with the Sharks. Logan: "Cool it, Action." That's quite a riff. Veronica tries to lead Duncan around Logan, but Logan moves to block her and says, "I'm gonna miss you." There's been widespread speculation on the boards about that comment in light of what happens, but I don't really think it signaled any nefarious intent. It did signal Logan being a dick, but that's hardly news even to the non-journalism kids. Since I've picked on a lot of stuff this episode, I should say that I like Logan's return to violent tendencies, and also that he doesn't seem to think he should bear any responsibility for the breakup. Totally in character, I think. Veronica and Duncan get on the bus, and Logan waves to her. A girl wearing a black bobbed wig that looks too fake even for Jennifer Garner passes Veronica as VMVO tells us that Logan didn't take the breakup that well. Another banner headline.
Flashback, chez Mars. Veronica holds Logan's hands as she tells him that she wanted to stick by him so that he could get past this "phase," but she can't anymore, because she's concluded that Logan and his "toadies" are the ones who set fire to the pool. She doesn't say that explicitly, but the meaning is there, as is the implication that that's not the only incident Logan has been a part of lately. Some people on the boards seem to think that Logan might have used the gas for something else, but I honestly don't think there's meant to be any question that he lit the pool fire. Logan asks if she's breaking up with him, and she confirms that, adding that someone will get killed if Logan continues with what he's been doing, but Logan tells her that someone already has. Well, considering that it was a PCHer, that's hardly a convincing argument for escalating the feud. Logan emotionally says that people think he killed Felix, and that the people Veronica calls toadies are Logan's friends, and have his back. Veronica, getting more emotional herself, says that what he's doing is not about protection but pride, and she's pretty sure that part of him is having fun with all this. Logan's aghast, because he would never promote violence against the disenfranchised without a financial stake and a beach full of cheering morons. He smashes a lamp and yells that his mom is dead, and so is his "girlfriend." Veronica wonders if this means she's going to have to go in the refrigerator again. No: as Logan says that the only person he still cares about is dumping him, Keith busts in and shoves Logan up against the wall, telling him he can't talk to Veronica that way, and that he's never coming back. The force might seem a little excessive, but maybe he really liked that lamp.
On the bus, Veronica and Duncan hold hands again. Some people on the boards were concerned at how touchy Veronica is being with Duncan, but it seems to me she's been like that with all her boyfriends, pre- and post-Lilly's death, so I don't see the inconsistency. I may see the distaste sometimes, but that's another story, Behind them, Dick calls out for "Miss Dumb-Ass." The journalism teacher cheerily corrects him that her name is actually "Dumas." Dick tells her that it stinks back there: "I think someone died." Yeah, probably. She invites him to sit closer to the front, but he declines. He then sees the girl who pushed past Veronica earlier, who looks like she's wearing a different bad wig, and ask Duncan who "the lovely young flower blossoming into womanhood" is. Duncan: "Let me guess. You want to pluck her." Veronica looks wryly amused by all this, but the group dynamic is starting to seem a little far-fetched. I mean, we have seen Dick and Duncan at the same 09er table in flashback, but I never got the idea that they were that close, and if Dick had any loyalty to Logan, you'd think he'd be a bit colder. Also, even if Veronica isn't harboring any resentment over the body shots, you'd think that if she felt strongly enough about the pool and related incidents to break up with Logan, she wouldn't be tee-heeing over Dick's dialogue, amusing though it may be. And finally, I'd like to know with which of journalism, broadcast news, or yearbook Dick's involved. Because unless he's doing a think piece on board wax, I'm not really buying it.
Logan gets out of his Humvee and knocks on the door of an 09er house that's not his. Charisma answers the door in a red satin robe, and Logan asks if Dick and Beaver can come out and play. Charisma invites him in, and drops her robe to reveal nothing but skin underneath. Wow. That never happened to Eddie Haskell.
Steve Guttenberg is telling his audience that he's no purist. I certainly never would have guessed that from Police Academy 4 or Three Men And A Little Lady. Steve is in a Sharks jersey, and he's telling the Neptune kids how much he loves the long ball and how he's spent all his money on hitters. Since the Yankees won the division title yesterday, I won't make a comment. Steve says that he knows some of them from Little League. Also, he's running for mayor of Neptune, and he thought it was important that his daughter "Gia," she of the bad wig, attend public school in Neptune. Are we to believe that there's a private-school alternative in Neptune and all these bazillionaire parents send their kids to public school amid all this festering class tension that's now necessitating metal detectors? We are? Okay, just asking. Anyway, Gia waves to the kids as Dick ogles her. Beaver, however, looks bored by her chirpy voice and stupid hair. I think I love this kid. Steve says that Gia's favorite class at her old school was journalism, so Steve hosted this little outing so that Gia could make some new friends. Dick smarms, "Hello. Friend," and his leering smile is far more hilarious than I can describe in print. Gia makes a stupid speech about how she's dressed, and then Steve tells us that she's a cool kid, despite all the early evidence. Meg seems to like her, but she's been off her game lately.
Veronica holds Duncan's arm as he single-handedly attempts to close down the buffet table. He tells her that he never played Little League, and she in turn expresses her fear that he'll get love handles if he eats everything on his plate. He replies that he has an excellent metabolism. I guess his metabolism was on vacation in the strip poker scene wherein he had his arms folded over his gut. I mean, it's all relative, but there's certainly no need to eat like a linebacker here. Veronica and Duncan see an attractive black man they seem to recognize appear to Steve and start berating him, but Steve calms him down and introduces him to the group as "future Hall of Famer Terence Cook." Everyone applauds. Dick comes over to Duncan and Veronica, puts his arms around them, and tells Duncan that they're not taking the "stank-ass bus" back to Neptune, as his dad's sending a limo. "Would you and your girlfriend -- whose quick wit I find enchanting -- like to take a trip back in style?" Hee. He adds that their teacher said it was fine, and Duncan readily agrees. Veronica hesitates, but gives in. After Dick's gone, she says she feels dirty. Duncan flirts with her, badly, and then she observes Dick talking to Meg, presumably inviting her along for the limo ride as well. Meg looks over at Veronica and gives Dick the tight-lipped smile and head shake of "Not in this lifetime, Surfer Boy." Veronica tells Duncan to go without her: she's going to try one more time to talk to Meg. Duncan says she doesn't owe Meg anything. Well, she doesn't, but don't you think you might, after you pursued her and then up and dumped her out of nowhere? Oh, look who I'm talking to. Veronica tells him he's "so not a girl." In other words, what you did was not kewl. I should add that I don't know why Meg came on this trip. It's not like she could even enjoy the buffet with the taste of rising bile in her throat.
Cook appears by the happy couple, and Veronica tells him he's her dad's favorite player of all time: "He keeps your rookie card vacuum-sealed inside a safe." Cook's flattered. He might be less so if he knew that the card was surrounded by guns and murder files, but you never know. Cook shakes her hand, and Veronica dorks that her dad won't let her wash it ever again. Cook asks who her favorite player is, and Veronica hems and haws until Duncan tells her to be honest. Cook asks if it's Johnny Damon. Veronica: "He's so pretty." I hate to react adversely to other people's expressions of personal taste. Nonetheless, ew. ["Word. Caveman much?" -- Wing Chun]
On the bus, Veronica sits down to talk to Meg, who greets her with a fake smile. Veronica notes that Meg is back on the cheerleading team, and Meg makes to pay her for her services. Wow. Trying to pay a woman for something she intended to give for free is pretty bitchy. My little Saint Blonde's all grown up! Meg stomps off as VMVO tells us that Meg's acting like Veronica seduced Duncan on his and Meg's wedding day, which isn't what happened. Heh, too bad. Can't you just see a slow-motion shot of Veronica tasering bridesmaids left and right as she runs up the aisle to tell Duncan he belongs with her? Geez, you people have no inner eye.
Flashback. "Long Time Coming" by Delays plays, which is my second-favorite song on the new VM soundtrack. VMVO tells us that Duncan claimed to have visited "the Hut" (Veronica's place of employ, I guess) every day that summer before she started working there. It doesn't sound like Veronica entirely believes that, which she shouldn't, if only because of Duncan's claim that he was so busy with his parents' trial, but she says that Duncan's certainly been in every day since she started. We see a montage of Duncan sitting at various tables and exchanging smiles with Veronica, and a last shot of them sitting at the same table sharing some cake. Easy, Metabolism Boy. You never know when you may have another shirtless scene.
On the bus, VMVO tells us she heard "through the grapevine" that Duncan broke up with Meg on the last day of school, but if you want to know whether it had anything to do with Veronica telling him they weren't brother and sister, you'll have to ask him. Veronica, you're supposed to cover your eyes and ears when you say shit like that. Seriously? I can buy Meg's behavior. There were clear signs in "A Trip To The Dentist" that she was jealous of Veronica, even before the "Hulk smash car" scene. But Veronica's not asking Duncan why he broke up with Meg, when she herself was painfully burned by him? No. Not out of concern for Meg, but for her own protection, I think she would have asked questions. I don't have a problem with Veronica's breaking up with Logan the way she did, although I would have liked to see more lead-up, and I don't blame Veronica and Duncan for having unresolved feelings for each other. But the way they're Pollyanna-ing their way into this relationship is a little disturbing. VMVO says that she was with Logan when Duncan dumped Meg, and that she was "absolutely faithful," and that she and Duncan didn't get together until weeks after Keith shot-putted Logan onto the hood of his Humvee. I take the first part to mean she was faithful emotionally. The second part is more ambiguous -- I thought at first she meant that's when they started going out again, but wouldn't she say they "got back together," in that case? Maybe they went at it in the Hut's bathroom. I just hope Carrie Bishop wasn't getting a latte at the time.
The song, which awesomely has been going this whole time keep playing as we flash back again. Duncan waves goodbye to Veronica and starts to leave. Veronica goes to bus his table, and finds a box with a ribbon tied around it. She opens it to find a fortune cookie. She reads it, and then runs over to Duncan, grabs him and says something, and kisses him happily. I wonder what that fortune said. "Rich boys have the best endowments"? Eh, write your own joke.
Bus. VMVO says that she's sorry Meg's hurting: "Truly sorry. But I can't say I have any regrets." Ah, the "Screw my friends, I have a boyfriend!" approach. It's a classic.
The bus pulls in to get gas, and the teacher tells them they have five minutes. Cut to Veronica coming out of the store holding a bottle of water. She hears Lilly's voice call her name, and sees a blurry image of someone in a Neptune cheerleading uniform who is clearly not Amanda Seyfried run around the corner of the store. Veronica calls Lilly's name, and hustles around the corner to find Weevil doing something to his bike. A lot of posters thought this was a big misstep, and I'm afraid I agree. Having Lilly appear to Veronica in dreams last season was one thing -- it was Lilly's season, for one, and dreams are manifestations of our own unconscious. But this is too otherworldly for this show, and what's more, it's completely unnecessary. Veronica could have seen Weevil herself without it seeming contrived. Now, it looks like Lilly's ghost directly intervened to save Veronica, and if she's going to do that, I don't know why she didn't show up in last season's second episode, all, "I'm sick of your slow-assed shit, Veronica. IT WAS [H]AARON ECHOLLS!" Anyway. Weevil and Veronica trade barbs about Homecoming Queen and guns. Back on the bus, the teacher asks if everyone's there. Meg -- who's apparently the only person on the bus with anything remotely close to 20/20 vision -- looks out the window, sees Veronica, and then tells the teacher everyone's there. I'd rant about the teacher getting her license revoked for being so lax, but that's not going to seem particularly relevant in a couple of minutes.
Weevil asks, rather hotly, if Veronica liked slumming for a year: "As soon as they'll have you back, you go running to the 09ers." It does look that way, and I'm sure Veronica would like to defend herself by telling Weevil why she broke up with Logan, but I guess she can't without heightening the PCHers' antagonism, probably leading to more violence. Instead, she tells Weevil that he doesn't know her or the 09ers. Weevil says that Logan killed Felix. Veronica points out that Logan had broken ribs and a concussion, so how could he have wrestled away one of the PCHers's knives and stabbed Felix? For that matter (and this is me asking now), whose knife was it? You'd think the PCHers involved in the attack might have asked each other who was missing a weapon. I'm thinking they know a lot more than they're telling Weevil. Weevil isn't hearing what Veronica's saying until Veronica asks if he knows about the shotgun blast that almost killed her and Logan. Weevil tries to play it off, but it's clear he didn't know. Veronica: "Are you sure you're still in charge?" It sucks to win an argument and have your thunder stolen by a little thing like the school bus leaving without you. Veronica smiles in resignation as Weevil rides off. She then pulls out her Sidekick and calls Wallace with her best sweet "Hey Wallace, whatcha doing?" Good that some things haven't changed from last season. We hear the sound of a chopper, though, and Veronica hangs up right before catching Weevil's headgear. He tells her to hop on. Aw. And he didn't even have a spare helmet this time!
And we're cruising down a cliffside road with Weevil and Veronica when we see a horrifying scene. A limo is stopped on the wrong side of the road, and we see it's the kids from the trip, including Dick, Beaver, Duncan, and Gia. Veronica alights and runs toward the smoky scene. A crying Gia tells her, "It just went straight off the cliff. It didn't even slow down. They're all dead!" Duncan rushes up, relieved that Veronica's alive, although not as relieved as, perhaps, he should have been. Maybe he's still gun-shy from his last experiment with crying. I wouldn't exactly blame him. Duncan and Veronica hold each other as VMVO tells us, "This is Neptune. Nothing happens accidentally." In a spectacular shot, the camera pans over the cliff to reveal the bus and its contents floating in numerous pieces. Don't know if those pieces apply to the people therein, which is just as well.
So, this episode. Some problems, yeah. I think the basic issue is that it was too ambitious, and ended up spreading itself too thin. I think the Mystery of the Week should have been dispensed with entirely. For one, rich parents conspiring to commit a felony to help their kids with athletics is a little beyond, even for Neptune. And really, Veronica hanging up her detective hat like she did only to pick it up in the first five minutes isn't compelling television. I mean, Veronica apparently didn't get involved in trying to clear her boyfriend of a murder charge that dragged on for six weeks only for the frankly somewhat tired desire for a normal life? And yet, she's back in the game five minutes into the season? It would have been a lot more interesting to me if Veronica had only been pulled back into the detective business by the bus crash. I think if the MotW had been cut, a lot of the stuff that felt emotionally unearned to me could have been developed a lot better. Where was the bikers' testimony about the murder? Where was the building tension between Logan and Veronica? Where was all the pain Logan was going through with his and his father's arrests and the media circuses surrounding them? We may see some or all of these things in flashback later in the season, which would be great, but I think the pause between season mysteries was ill-used here. On the other hand, I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I think this episode was a great one to hook new viewers, and if that's what was being shot at, I can totally understand. Also, contrivances for this one episode aside, I'm psyched for the mysteries and new plot developments it laid out. In other words, while we might have taken a somewhat better route to get here, I'm excited about where we're going.
time: Veronica helps the daughter of the bus driver. Lamb is back, Charisma and Logan are still sleeping together, and Kevin Smith appears. Awesome!