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So like, you guys? You know when networks bow to their pussy-assed Standards and Practices Departments, and they don't air an episode because it contains material that's too "dark" for fear of ruining someone's precious holiday season, even though, like, no one's making them watch the show, and also, who cares if Sadie Kumquat has a bad dream or two in December anyway, right? Well, that's what happened last week, and I would have been really pissed, except I was going to Atlanta and wouldn't have been able to do the recap anyway. Boys in Atlanta are really cute and charming, but the way. Oh, right, the episode. Well, we make up for the recent lack of Weevil and Logan, as Weevil starts off by playing Hold 'Em with Logan, Duncan, and a couple new 09er guys, one of whom is some sort of movie star. Five minutes in, four of the five guys have stripped to their boxers, which isn't exactly going to quell the speculation of what Weevil and Logan have been up to recently. Weevil wins some money but doesn't get paid, causing him to retaliate by stealing a bunch of the 09er guys' stuff, including Duncan's laptop. When Veronica learns that said computer contained a journal of Duncan's intimate thoughts dating back three years, she'd shell out the five grand herself to get it back, but she settles for detective work, which includes a lot of alone time with Logan, as well as arranging another game herself. She solves the mystery all Christie-style, and then sits down for a rousing game of poker. Needless to say, she kicks ass. The kids end up at the Echolls' Christmas party, where Duncan and Logan make up after breaking up. Veronica confronts Jake Kane about the photos, but it looks like Mommie Sneerest was behind them. Un! Comfortable! Also, someone's been sending Haaron threatening notes, and much like on Nip/Tuck, it's a Carver, who sticks it to Haaron but good. Consider this your gift from Rob Thomas, because this is the best episode so far. Now I have to go check on the forums, because speculating on what could have been worse than (attempted?) murder in the episode that was pulled? Yeah, I bet they're doing that. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open on a shot of Backup 2.0. Cute! Man, sometimes I really want a dog. Perhaps I'll give Demian a call and ask him to tell me the story of his Thanksgiving again. Although honestly, with the amount of money those tacky queens undoubtedly spent on whatever tired-ass labels they're currently sporting, you'd think they'd take the time to train their pets not to jump all over their clothing and crap all over their shoes. Sometimes I wonder if there's more to being gay than just, you know, sleeping with men. But then I realize I'm being narrow-minded -- it's not a gay thing, it's a general people thing. And people are generally idiots. Ah, there goes that goodwill right out of me. And just in time for Christmas! Speaking of which, Veronica and Keith are trimming their tree. Veronica notes that, as an only child, she knows that all the "scary handmade ornaments" are hers. I don't know about that, Veronica. My impression of Lianne is that she's always been a little off. Perhaps she found time to concoct a couple of said scary ornaments in between popping out all the illegitimate children the forum posters seem to think she's had. Keith tells Veronica to put more Padres ornaments on the tree, prompting Veronica to note that some people think Christmas is about the birth of Christ. I'll spare you a lengthy diatribe about how warped many people's religious beliefs are in this country. Of course, it's because I still have a splitting headache from last night's festivities, and the eye-rolling inextricably linked to said diatribe would be too painful to bear. Veronica asks what Keith wants for Christmas. Keith: "Your love and respect." Aw. ["My dad always says 'peace on earth.' I would like to oblige, but it makes him really hard to shop for." -- Wing Chun] Keith tells Veronica to save her money, and they go back to watching The Year Without A Santa Claus, which is up to the "Heat Miser" song...
...and in a nice segue, we cut to Duncan singing the same song, apparently drunk on Jack Daniel's. He's singing at what looks to be the pool house at Logan's. There's a poker game going on; participating are Duncan, Logan, two guys we've never seen, and...Weevil. Well. I certainly didn't think Weevil and Logan were going to make their romance public quite that quickly. Logan's sucking on a stogie, and Weevil notes, "You look pretty comfortable with that thing in your mouth." I suppose I should be offended at the anti-gay sentiment, but it's kind of difficult to be, given that Logan could out-fey every single backup dancer Madonna has ever employed. Logan comes back with a dumb comment about Weevil's being Cuban, which Logan totally knows Weevil's not. This and later comments by Logan sparked a debate on the forums as to whether Logan is racist. Frankly, I think calling him a racist is waaaaay overstating the case. While his snide remarks are annoying and hopelessly immature, he's trying to get Weevil's goat (and not trying all that hard, I might add), and while I certainly would concede that he's a classist (or a rich snob, if you prefer), I think it's a big jump to conclude that he thinks that non-white people are born inferior. It'd be just as big a jump to conclude from Weevil's remark that he actually thinks Logan enjoys sucking cock. Whether he has other evidence to support that opinion is another matter.
Anyway. Everyone seems to be drinking, but only Duncan is acting ass-wasted, even touching Weevil's head, which seems like a good way to lose a hand. Weevil and Logan go in for $500 on a hand, and Duncan drunks something to one of the other guys, "Sean," about drinking "ghetto brew" out of wide-mouthed bottles. As the hand progresses, we learn that the other guy, "Connor," is apparently a movie star. I guess he's supposed to be a little older, and that Logan knows him through his dad. I'd speculate that this guy is a great ass-kisser to be palling around with the teenaged son of a hotshot movie executive. I would speculate that, but I'd better not, because, as you'll see, this episode is already bursting with so much homoeroticism that Smallville's producers are taking notes and shaking their heads in wonder. Anyway, Logan goes all in on the turn, and Weevil calls. Neither of them has a pair, but Logan's got an ace-jack, while Weevil's stuck with an ace-deuce. Logan's also working a straight. I feel fairly secure in guessing that it's not going to be forthcoming. Someone on the forums pointed out that the poker had to be pretty shitty for Logan and Weevil to be the last two guys in, considering that Logan went all in with only an ace and a possible straight, and Weevil called. I don't think that's necessarily true, though, but it really depends on how these two had played through the evening and how the betting had gone on that particular hand. Anyway, Logan crows for a while about his prohibitively favorable odds while explaining a bit of the game to the two people in the audience who have never watched Celebrity Poker Showdown. Bored with his boyfriend's antics, Weevil tells him to turn the last card. Logan says okay, but "the river is gonna get you," which he sings to the tune of "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You," which is a lot cleverer than his Cuban comment, I will readily admit. Anyway, the river is a deuce. Weevil does not break into "Conga," but you know he wants to. After the guffawing dies down, Weevil asks to cash out for his five grand, so I guess they were playing tournament-style with a set buy-in, which makes sense from the standpoint of Weevil's being able to afford the game. Logan asks Sean for the money box, but said box is empty. Awkward. Everyone looks bewildered, except Weevil, who is angry at what looks like a fast one being pulled on him. After some back and forth about things going in and falling out that's probably best unrecapped, Weevil asks, "Do I have to turn each of you upside down and shake you?" Druncan gives a look like, "I'll go first." And can you blame him?
Cut to two guys' asses clad in matching reindeer boxers. HA! The asses belong to Druncan and Logan. Hee hee. And proving that this show rarely misses a trick, bamp chicka wow wow music kicks up in the background. Holding your head to prevent it from pounding as you giggle like an idiot isn't the most dignified pose, I'll have you know. Sean asks, "Did you guys call each other?" Which...is a fair question, I'd say. Weevil steals a Faberge egg so unsurreptitously that I'm surprised he didn't grab a pair and juggle them on the way out. Going to Easter at the Echolls house must have been a profitable exercise for the neighborhood children. And yes, you'd think no one would be so hopelessly tacky as to show off a Faberge egg in a pool house, but then again, we haven't gotten to the Christmas party yet. Weevil tells the four guys, who are all in their underwear, that they picked the wrong dude to rip off, and that he'll get his money one way or the other. Given that they're already stripped down, might I suggest you take it out in trade? By the way, nice bod, Dohring. And in other news, if Duncan's hung like it looks like in this particular shot, it's no wonder Veronica was devastated when he dumped her. Sean: "This is the worst game of strip poker. Ever." I rarely presume to speak for all the forum posters, but I feel good about it in this case: Beg. To. Differ. Credits. Now that's a teaser.
Man, Lisa Rinna only gets a regular "guest star" mention? You'd think her lips alone would rate a "Special Appearance By" credit. I'm not really sure I'd want to see their IMDb entry, though, if you take my meaning.
Veronica and Wallace pedeconference about a Padres fantasy camp. Veronica thinks it would be the perfect Christmas present for Keith, but Wallace notes that it costs three grand. Well, Veronica, you could look into sending him to a more affordable option. Toronto's cold this time of year, though. Veronica good-naturedly complains a bit about being poor, and this is much more in line with how I view her general attitude than that whole artificial "Money, money, got to have it" characterization from "Drinking The Kool-Aid." Her reverie is interrupted by Duncan, who storms up to Weevil and demands his laptop, eventually grabbing him. I'm not an expert on 09er etiquette, but I imagine that trying to rough up your best friend's boyfriend is a no-no. Anyway, Weevil's goons pull Duncan off. Duncan snarls that he didn't take Weevil's money, but Weevil points out that someone did. In an awfully-dubbed line, Duncan reiterates that it wasn't him. I'll admit that the amount I'm bugged by that is disproportionate, but if you don't have usable footage of a particular moment, consider whether the line could be scrapped entirely rather than getting Teddy Dunn in on his day off to deliver a bad line reading, okay? I say that with love. Anyway, Weevil tells his goons to let Duncan go, and the Diesels make themselves scarce.
Veronica approaches a frustrated Duncan and gets the backstory. The part where the four young boys were closing their eyes while the words "Think unsexy thoughts" ran repeatedly through their brains is omitted. Veronica dismissively says something about lying down with dogs and getting fleas, and when Duncan tells her he didn't invite Weevil, she snits that that's not who she was talking about. I was surprised at first that she would be so snotty to Duncan, although possibly there's an explanation in that episode that got pulled for the holidays. Then it occurred to me that she might be referring to Logan. And then I was surprised that Veronica would think that Logan would have an insect problem, but I suddenly remembered Paris Hilton. Ironic that that was the end result of so much thinking. Duncan tells Veronica that she might want to care, since he's kept a journal on his laptop for three years, and at one time, she was "kind of a feature." Veronica: "A feature with a cleverly disguised pseudonym?" Hee. Duncan informs her that he was "prolific," and walks off. Veronica's face indicates that her time with Duncan was prolific in a slightly different sense of the word. VMVO tells us that she's got to get that computer back. Seriously. That thing would be hotter than Molly Ringwald's undies in Sixteen Candles.
Veronica enters a darkened classroom wherein Weevil and the boys are playing some dice game. Veronica "hey"s Weevil, and he calls her out that whenever she needs a favor, she tries to act all casual, but tilts her head to the side. In a poker-themed episode, Weevil's noticing Veronica's "tell" away from a game setting is deliciously clever. Props, show. I bestow absolution for thy bad dubbing. Veronica asks Weevil to give Duncan his computer back and let her handle tracking down the money. Weevil gets a little testy at the notion that he would need her, but allows that if he gets his money, no one else will lose any stuff. Veronica asks why Weevil was even there. Weevil sort of duhs that the opportunity to take five grand from rich kids who don't know a spade from a club was something that kind of piqued his interest.
We drop into the first of many flashbacks this episode, as Logan's on his knees in front of Weevil. They're in front of Logan's locker, but that's a minor detail. I'd say "insert your own joke here," but I've been reading the forums, and y'all already did. Logan: "If you're asking me to the prom again, the answer is still no." You know, I've read that these two are close friends in real life, and obviously, they both hit a killer roll of the charisma die. The upshot is that no matter what invective these two may say to each other, it comes out sounding like "My loins will explode if I don't take you in my arms RIGHT NOW." Frankly, it's getting a little distracting, and the fact that the writers' internet handles all seem to be something along the lines of "LexnClark4EVA!" isn't helping. Anyway. Weevil wants to play in the poker game. It's a thousand dollar buy-in for a five grand pot, as we already know. Logan lets Weevil in. You could argue that he did so because he needed a fifth to fill out the pot, but I think, all kidding aside, that these two grudgingly respect and even secretly like each other after the events of "The Girl Door." Logan did give up a pair of really fugly boots for Weevil, after all.
After some snark ("Kiss me, Tattoo Boy" is what I heard), we go back to the present, where Weevil opines that Logan thought he was just "some dumb Mexican" and therefore an easy mark. Since Logan has played cards with Weevil before, I highly doubt that's true. Veronica asks whether Weevil thinks Logan did it, and Weevil doesn't exactly say yes, but while he's sure that no one left the room with the money, Logan could have hidden it.
Flash back to the game, where we get some exposition to the effect that Sean is a pretentious loser who has a chauffeur and flaunts his wealth, and that Connor has to go to the bathroom a lot. Sean notices "hot chick, poolside, bikini!" Everyone runs to the glass doors except Logan, because he has no desire to ogle his mother. Yes, it's Lynn Echolls in a bikini, who preens a bit to boost her MILF rating before diving into the water. The four boys at the door leer appreciatively. Druncan presses his nose against the glass so that he looks like a pig. Beyond what the gratuitous staring at his best friend's mom made him seem, that is. Weevil casts a glance at a dejected-looking Logan, and his face falls. He'd tell you that he was wondering if Logan was up to something, but I think he's just concerned about his boyfriend's feelings. Back in the present, Weevil tells Veronica that he's sure the money was in the house somewhere: "I would have torn the place apart if I didn't think he'd call the cops." You'll notice he didn't call the cops when asked to strip in front of four other guys. Just saying.
A pair of legs walks into Mars Investigations, film-noir style. They're attached to Lynn, who tells Keith she doesn't have an appointment, but that she hoped he'd be free. Unlike his attitude toward the Kanes in the flashback scene in "The Wrath Of Con," Keith looks genuinely pleased to see her. I think we're meant to take from his attitude that Lynn is a decent person. Of course, I don't know what Keith would think if he knew she sipped a highball while her husband took a belt to her son, but given how his daughter is treated by said son, he might not mind so much. Lynn is wearing conservative dress and Jackie O sunglasses, and seems nervous. Keith invites her to sit, and she tells him that she's freaked out. I'm freaked out too, but then again, I've never seen someone who had two upper lips before. (And don't bring up "Barbara Hershey" -- I'm trying to forget about that little part of my life.) Anyway, Lynn tells Keith that Haaron gets a lot of fan mail, and that some of it is fairly obsessive. I can't relate to that at all. Unless you count email, in which case I totally, totally can. One letter in particular is worrying Lynn, and considering that she found it on their breakfast table, I see her point. It reads, "Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her." Well, this will be an easy mystery to solve. After all, how many people can there be who write treemail for Survivor? Keith asks whether Lynn has any more threatening letters, and Lynn says that she does, at home, while expositing that Haaron doesn't take the threats seriously. Keith offers to come by that afternoon, and Lynn is grateful. She gets up to go, but turns back to note that it's been a long time. Keith rather glumly notes that their kids don't hang out any more. Lynn tells him that Logan's had a tough time since Lilly's death, and Keith counters that Veronica has too. Lynn nods. The subtext here, I think, is that Logan and Veronica were not just group buddies but close friends, which makes their dynamic far more interesting. Also, Lisa Rinna did a nice job with that scene. Especially for someone with three lips.
Veronica finds Duncan at school and tells him that she might be able to get his laptop back; she also good-naturedly ribs him for not writing his journal down like a normal person. She asks Duncan whether he was surprised to find Weevil at the game, and he confirms that he was...
...as we flash back again. Duncan arrives, full bottle of JD in hand, and puzzledly greets Weevil with a "You're not Chester." So it seems Logan didn't need Weevil to round out the game, since they had a regular fifth. Logan stage-whispers to Duncan that he's not going to let Weevil leave with their money, so I guess he's the shark of the group, which is consistent with the progression of the game. Logan wraps a rubber band around the money and tosses it in the box.
Back in the present, Veronica asks Duncan if he thinks Logan invited Weevil there to steal his money. Duncan has issue with that particular way of putting it, but there's clearly something about the situation that's bothering him. He doesn't share it with Veronica, but that might be because he knows she'd be crushed to learn that Weevil is sleeping with Logan.
Outside, Logan is grandstanding for the 09ers at Weevil's expense. Sean is there. Duncan looks most displeased, and when Logan sits down to him, Duncan gives him a look that could cut glass, and storms off. Logan follows him, challenging to tell him what's on his mind. Duncan asks if Logan took the money. Logan doesn't answer, which I think is genuine shock that his best friend would accuse him of such a thing, but Duncan misinterprets his silence as confirmation and stalks off again. Logan points out that Duncan was, as the British say, pissed, but Duncan doesn't acknowledge that, and accuses Logan of "going over to the dark side, bit by bit." Or tattoo by tattoo, depending on how you want to look at it. Duncan finishes by saying that Logan has turned into a "full-fledged jackass," and that he's over it. Logan calls after him, "What, are we breaking up now? You want your best friend charm back?" When Duncan's gone, though, he looks upset, and I don't blame him. Picking out your own underwear in the morning can be such a chore.
Chez Echolls. Lynn is directing her legion staff on how to do the decorations, which are appropriately gaudy -- lots of overdone ornaments and a tacky white tree that's tall enough to give the poor maid who has to decorate the top of it vertigo. Keith informs Lynn that the person who sent the pumpkin "poem" sent six letters. Lynn: "Is that bad?" It depends on how you feel about dead husbands, dear. Given your arc on Melrose Place, I could understand if you were in favor. Keith recommends that Lynn cancel the party, which is now the night, but she says she's hired plenty of security. Her attitude is a little inconsistent with how concerned she was in Keith's office, I feel obliged to point out. Haaron arrives home, and warmly greets Keith, wondering if Lynn bothered him about the letter. And I know it's Southern California, but the vibe passing between Haaron and Lynn at the moment is such that you could build a snowman in the Echollses' great hall and it wouldn't melt. I wonder what that's all about. Haaron tells Keith that the letter is no big deal and perfectly normal as he opens a pair of doors. Behind it, on a table, sits a pumpkin in which an image of Haaron's face is carved, with a knife plunged in it. Keith: "Normal?" No, Keith. That's what they call a Cleansing Burst of Pumpkinicity.
Mars Investigations. Keith is on the phone with some business to find out if they do pumpkin carving. He gets off the phone with "I already have a gingerbread house, but thank you." Heh. Although if there's anyone on this show who should be living in a gingerbread house, it's Mommie Sneerest. Veronica appears, and Keith asks her to run by the Echolls house to give Lynn some papers to sign. Veronica agrees, perhaps hoping that she'll catch Logan in a compromising position. Careful, Veronica. I wouldn't want you to walk in on Logan licking Weevil's "Lilly" tattoo. We'd have to skip traditional therapy and go straight to the electric shocks, you know?
Chez Faberge. Veronica finds Logan in the pool house playing some shoot-'em-up computer game. She observes that the place looks like a tornado hit it. I'd make a Wizard of Oz joke, but I have a feeling Logan's going to take care of that for me. And while we're on the subject, it occurs to me that if Veronica wants Logan to treat her better, all she has to do is change her name to "Dorothy." Veronica makes a standard comment about testosterone, and now that he knows she's there, Logan replies: "This is why I suggested attack dogs. But no, my mother wanted an alpaca." Looking at her taste in décor, I can't say that I'm surprised.
Veronica asks about the poker game, and Logan gets irritated and makes snide remarks about her sleuthing. Hey, I think that's the first time I used a form of "sleuth" in one of these recaps! One would think I didn't once own the entire Hardy Boys collection! And by all means, keep thinking that! Veronica, looking like this is exactly what she expected, starts to go, but Logan calls her back, and suggests that she talk to Connor. Veronica clarifies, "Connor Larkin?" Her tone suggests that in some long-dead language, "Larkin" means "guy who just thinking about makes me want to do yoga to limber up for an all-night bone-fest." That language was apparently too sexy to endure. Picking up on her tone, Logan says, "He's a mortal, believe me. They just draw his abs on." Hee. Logan exposits that Connor is currently doing a movie for Haaron, and then indicates that Connor might have stolen the money even though he's loaded. He gives said indication with a subtle gesture that is widely known by the very technical name of "sniffy sniffy." He adds that Connor has something against Logan, and Dohring's delivery is genius there. It's like he honestly can't understand why this rich movie star might hate him. He's so...bewildered. Hee.
Anyway, this revelation sends us into flashback country. As Homer Simpson might say, it's a big country. Weevil asks Connor what Catherine Zeta-Jones is like. Dude, she's borne the spawn of Michael Douglas. I think it's safe to say you don't want to go there. Logan pipes up, "It's not like your people. They don't all know each other." Okay, that's pretty bad -- certainly the worst thing he's said. But I'd still argue that Logan's referring to class and not race. Not that that makes him Citizen of the Year or anything, but I think it's an important enough distinction to draw. Anyway, Weevil just smiles sardonically, but Connor gets up in Logan's grill for the "racist" comments he's been making. I love the stereotype of the PC actor here. Logan: "Does the soapbox come with the SAG card?" Hee. Connor pipes up that maybe it's because "Rosie Perez thought you were a girl." Apparently, Logan was in love with Rosie Perez, so Haaron got her to show up to Logan's tenth birthday party, and she showed up and was all, "Happy birthday, Lauren!" And that wouldn't make much sense, because you'd think there's no way she'd confuse him for a girl on sight, but that brings me back to the whole fey thing. And if I had to recap this show without using the words "gay" or "fey," I wouldn't be able to talk about Logan at all, so give those words their due. Connor adds that Rosie Perez got Logan a purse. Okay, hee. Sean: "Connor, you really are like the son Aaron Echolls never had." Now that's going to leave a mark. I just hope it can find some free real estate. As Connor gets paged, Weevil asks Logan if he still has the purse. Of course he does, Weevil. What did you think that was he got the condoms out of?
Back in the present, Logan says that Connor's rushing to the bathroom once he got paged was suspicious. Veronica says she'd be thrilled to question Connor, but that he must be difficult to get hold of. Logan makes a call to someone, asking whether the person can get his "friend" -- awkward glance -- a "drive-on" to see Connor. He gives the person Veronica's name, and then clarifies, "No, 'V' as in 'virgin'!" With one hand Logan giveth, and with the other he bitch-slappeth away. Veronica sarcastically notes how helpful he is, and Logan in turn tells her that her bothering Connor will please Logan. As Veronica leaves, Logan tells her, "Annoy, tiny blonde one. Annoy like the wind!" Cackle for me, Logan. Grab the purse if you think it'll help. And as for you, Veronica, I suggest a second pair of underwear for your trip to the set. You can't be too careful.
Backlot of Bad Movies. Amid the shooting of some helicopter scene, Veronica finds a shirtless Connor. It should be noted that for all the talk, this guy's abs aren't that great. And I can say that definitively, after having watched this scene approximately eighty-six times. VMVO is all, "Damn!" Hee. I like seeing Veronica all hot and bothered. Connor asks her if he's too sweaty-looking. Veronica dry-mouths that he looks fine. You could have offered to lick the sweat off, Veronica. It would have accomplished several goals at once. Veronica gets right into the poker game, and Connor says he feels bad for Weevil: "He's pretty cool. He was real, you know what I'm saying?" Veronica looks amused at the realization that a guy she finds stunningly beautiful might be a little pretentious and dumb. She'd still totally do him, though, and good for her. If he wants to talk afterward, that's where the stun gun comes in. Anyway, Veronica says she understands that no one could have left with the money, but Connor recalls that one person did leave with money...
...and, in flashback, it's the pizza guy. Druncan is on Sean's case for not chipping in for beer, and then chides Logan for only giving a couple bucks' tip on a fifty-dollar bill. Druncan and Weevil chip in to ensure that the time they order pizza, it won't have any special ingredients. Logan snarks at them, and Connor looks unamused.
Back in the present, Connor opines that there were enough breaks in the game that anyone could have gotten his hands on the money. He then excuses himself to talk to his agent, and Veronica takes the opportunity to call Wallace and get Sean's home address.
Chez Echolls. Haaron's on the tennis court with someone who's presumably an instructor. Frankly, Haaron, either you're paying this guy too much or not enough. If you're not following me, I'll be a little more direct: you suck. Keith shows up and basically speculates that the "Aaron-o-lantern" is from a spurned lover -- maybe one he saw on Halloween. And here I was thinking it was a warning for Haaron not to speculate in pumpkin futures. You have to sell them before Halloween, you know. Haaron is all, "That's nice, but I'm faithful to my wife, and I was with her at Ugly Owen Wilson's parents' party last Halloween." Keith apologizes and says he's just covering the bases. He leaves, and Haaron is all huffy. Case...closed?
Veronica knocks on the door of some house. Sean's dad answers and tells Veronica that Sean isn't permitted to receive visitors at home. He's like the bubble boy, only in that same dead language, where "bubble" means "unbelievably insufferably pretentious and annoying dipshit." It's really a shame that language died out. From off-camera, a female voice calls, "Mr. Friedrich!" and Sean's dad closes the door.
While someone puts the finishing touches on a gingerbread house (hee), Keith is questioning some woman who catered the Casablancases' party. Keith tells her he spoke to Sadie Casablancas, and he heard that the woman fired someone that night. In case you care, that scene was apparently in the script but was cut at some point, although I'm not sure whether it was ever actually shot. Caterer Woman says that servers have to stay on the first floor, but that one girl sneaked upstairs to find a bathroom, and Haaron insisted that she be fired. Keith wonders why Haaron cared about her breaking the rules in someone else's house. Caterer Woman: "Someone else's wife was on top of him." Keith asks whether Haaron was really with another woman that night. Caterer Woman: "While his wife was downstairs eating canapés." Jeez, if Lynn finds out, that'll just gut her, don't you think?
School. A town car with tinted windows pulls in, and Sean makes a big show of getting out and getting his books from the chauffeur. Dude, if you're so rich, what's with the fugly-assed sky-blue horizontally-striped shirt? And before you point out that he's not rich [SPOILER!], I'll retract the word "rich" and substitute the word "sighted." Veronica greets him, and Sean tells her he's short one Rolex, courtesy of "the criminal element." Dude, I'm not much for Rolexes, but it's partially because I used to know this guy who wore two Rolexes -- one on each wrist. He set one to London time and one to New York time, which to me suggested that not only was he a pretentious pompous ass, but that he couldn't remember that London is five hours ahead of New York, even though said fact seemed to be important to him. Not surprisingly, he was (and probably still is, although I hope not) one of the worst people I have ever had the misfortune to know, but that didn't stop one of my friends from dating him for EIGHT YEARS. Uch. Anyway, perhaps feeling the same way about Rolexes as I do, Veronica's not that sympathetic, pointing out that Weevil didn't start this...
...but Sean's flashback begs to differ, and the boys are stripping in front of Weevil. I'm surprised he doesn't hold up a card and give them each a rating. I di-- would. I would. In that situation. Anyway, nothing happens in that scene except that we get to see more skin, but Sean's point is that he thinks Weevil stole the money before he thought he was going to win legitimately, and adds that before Lynn caused four hard-ons and one sad little boy, Weevil was down to his last two chips. Veronica says she heard that Sean wasn't doing so hot either, but he counters that he doesn't need the money, and walks off. Veronica looks pensive.
Mars Investigations. Keith tells Haaron that he interviewed the woman who catered the Casablancases' Halloween party: "Apparently, you were caught in flagrante?" Well. I wonder how many half-brothers and sisters Logan has scattered around Neptune. Perhaps it'll turn out that Logan and Veronica are related. They've got a head start on the sibling hostility, anyway. Haaron is busted, but Keith tells him that he's just there to figure out who's stalking Haaron, not to tell Lynn the gory details. He gives Haaron the guest list from the party, and asks him to circle the names of the women whom he slept with. Haaron circles a name -- and another -- and another. Keith: "Maybe I should clarify. Who you slept with at the Halloween party." Hee. Un! Comfortable! Haaron sheepishly tells Keith that that was the night he had "the hard cider." You can practically see Keith start to open his mouth to reply, "Not the only hard thing you had!"
Luckily, however, a flashback precludes that retort. We see Haaron on a lounge under some panting woman who's dressed like Little Bo Peep. Her staff is nowhere to be seen, and you couldn't pay me enough to speculate where it might be. Haaron -- well, it's hard to make out what he's wearing, since it's not completely on, but let's just say I'm almost sure I saw leopard print. Perhaps that explains why the female member of the catering staff that catches them in the act stares goggle-eyed, no doubt thinking, "I thought you were Tarzan, not Cheetah!" Oof. Sorry, that was an awful thing to do to you. In seasonal repentance, I'd promise to listen to crappy and annoying Christmas music for an hour, if I hadn't been hearing it nonstop since THANKSGIVING. Haaron thinks Little Ho Peep isn't a stalker, since she's his agent's wife. Keith: "I'm sure she's lovely." Hee. Keith produces photos from the party, and asks Haaron to single out the images of the women he's boned. Haaron picks out a photo of Ho Peep with two other women. Keith notes that they're all invited to Lynn's Christmas party: "Maybe that's not the best idea." I don't know -- if Haaron picks one of them, he's got a two in three chance of getting some play, and only a one in three chance of getting sliced up like a sturgeon. I know a lot of guys who have bucked waaaay worse odds than that. Also, I have to note, as people did on the forums, that it's a little strange that Keith didn't originally include the girl who got canned as a suspect: since Haaron got her fired, it's within reason to think she'd want revenge. In Keith's defense, however, the poem does make it look like the stalker is a spurned lover, and we don't know that about her yet. Oh, well, I guess we do now. If you wanted to be surprised, I guess I screwed up. I won't do it again, even though I totally know who killed Lilly Kane.
Little Ho Peep is getting measured for a dress in front of a mirror as Keith talks to her. She's played by Emmanuelle Vaugier, who has been seen in a few shows we've recapped. Considering that her most sympathetic role was as a Gypsy who turned her back on her heritage onCharmed, I think a talk with her agent might be in order. Anyway, Ho Peep doesn't know anything other than that Haaron has "an ass like an eighteen-year-old wrestler." Honey, did you have to go there? My brain really can't take being completely shorted out today. Anyway, the husband enters and flaps his yap about Haaron for a while. Keith mentally affixes horns to the guy's head. Scene.
School. As Veronica watches Duncan and Sean eating pizza from across the courtyard, VMVO worries about the diary, but tells herself that maybe everything will work out, since it's Christmas. Wallace interrupts Veronica's reverie (and that's a sentence for which I'm going to have to create a macro) and says nothing of interest (and we have macro #2). Logan grabs some pizza and sits to Duncan, but Duncan looks at him like he read Duncan's secret diary. Which, if Logan's really seeing Weevil, might happen awfully soon. Sean impatiently tells Duncan and Logan to kiss and make up, but Duncan just stands there glowering as Logan throws a kiss in his direction. He's got so much love to give. Convenient, that, considering the forums. Veronica and Weevil appear, and Veronica says she has good news and bad news, both of which are that she knows who stole the money. She announces that Logan will host another game that night. Logan mentions the Christmas party, but Veronica pooh-poohs that, and says that when she tells them who did it, the rest of them will buy her into the game: "I'll just take the place of whoever stole the money." Logan's still resistant, but Veronica points out that they might actually see their stuff returned if Weevil gets his cash. Logan asks whether she even knows how to play. Veronica, after a pause: "No. But it must be really hard if all you guys play." Duncan cocks an eyebrow. Hee. I'm quite liking him this episode, not that I disliked him before. Veronica smiles and walks off into the commercial break.
Casa De Tacky Decorations And Tackier Husbands. The Echolls parents greet the Kane parents. Lynn says she hopes the Kanes aren't going to be blubbering over Lilly's death like they were last year. Jake, on the other hand, says he's got a bet with Mommie Sneerest that Haaron can't keep his pants on through the whole party. Okay, none of that happened, but don't you wish it had?
Pool house. Veronica arrives, and Logan looks up with a "Ho, ho...ho." Hee. Veronica chuckles sardonically. You know, these kids are all pretty witty, and insults don't really seem to bother them. Perhaps they should forget their differences and start a website together. Weevil asks Veronica if she wants a soda, but, grabbing Duncan's bottle of JD, she says she wants something with a little more kick, and starts chugging away. And if there was any doubt before, Veronica is definitely ready for college. Except, wait -- it's really iced tea. Veronica: "How very musical theater of you." Hee. Veronica announces that Duncan can't remember the alphabet when he drinks, much less figure out a pizza tip. That's not exactly how I remember him the night we saw him drinking, but she would know better than I. She goes on, Columbo- or Poirot-style, that Duncan faked being drunk so that the others wouldn't take him seriously. Also, Connor isn't a drug addict -- he drinks a lot of "sun tea": "It's that diuretic wrestlers down when they need to make weight, or that actors use before they're half-naked on the cover of Vanity Fair." Or before they have to strip in front of a famous director's great-grandson. Veronica turns to Logan, saying he looks like an evildoer and smells like an evildoer, and she even sniffs the air as she says it. Hee. "But surprisingly, not so much." She explains that Weevil told her he didn't get the chance to search the room thoroughly, but that when she saw it, it looked like the FBI had gone through it. Since Logan tore it up looking for the money, it follows that he didn't steal it. As pointed out on the forums, Logan could have done that to throw off Veronica, but since he didn't know she was coming by, that seems like a long shot. Logan looks slightly confused that Veronica's sticking up for him. Or maybe he just didn't understand what she was talking about.
Anyway, Veronica doesn't even bother explaining her rationale for thinking Weevil didn't do it, so it seems like she simply trusts him implicitly, which is kind of nice, I'd have to say. She cuts to the chase and says that Sean did it: he hid the money in one of the large-mouthed bottles he was drinking from, and then when it was thrown out, snatched it from the Echollses' recycling bin. Hmm. I know that maxim about eliminating the impossible and seeing what remains, but Veronica's awfully imaginative to have come up with that scenario. Logan asks why Sean would need to steal, which is a dumb way of putting it, because Connor, whom Logan suspected, hardly "needs" the money either, coke habit or no. Anyway, this is so that Veronica can tell us that she wondered why Sean's dad was at home at 3 in the afternoon in a suit instead of being at work -- unless he was at work: "I have to say, I was a bit miffed -- I was this close to being able to say, 'The butler did it.' But no, it was the butler's son." Sean snarls that that doesn't prove anything, but Veronica duhs that his saying that makes him a liar, and by the way, she ran a background check on him, and he's got a shoplifting problem. "You are really bad at it," she tells Sean. Hee. Sean looks around, and if he wasn't familiar with the expression "tough room," he is now. He starts to babble to Weevil that he has the money, but Weevil suggests that they go for a walk. Sean babbles on that there's no need for violence. Oh, Sean. If you take it like a man, at least you won't give Weevil the extra incentive of closing your incessantly babbling mouth. Veronica takes a seat and asks if she can deal first, and spreads the deck in a manner that suggests she's no stranger to Vegas. Frankly, if she wasn't a card sharp, I'd be a little disappointed.
By the way, I guess I have to point out that it's really not clear how Sean had everyone fooled into thinking he was rich. I mean, if his dad's a butler, what was up with the Rolex and the chauffeur rides? You could fanwank it, but it's a big job. Also, Duncan's "Where's Chester?" comment suggests that they had played this game regularly, and how could Sean afford that? Wankable again, but there's only so many times you can do that before you lose interest. Also, as long as I'm tying up loose ends, there's no mention of the computer or the journal. A lot of people speculated that the journal never actually existed, and I agree: that might be the case. After all, what would the last year look like? "Broke up with girlfriend for no reason, other than that she might be my sister. Took meds. Acted wooden. Took meds. Acted wooden. Took meds. Acted wooden." I see now that writing that thing on a computer would have a lot of advantages.
Chez Echolls. Jake is telling Lynn and Haaron about some winery near Ojai. Haaron catches sight of Ho Peep, but covers by saying that the Echollses and Kanes can go the year for the crush (when wineries harvest their grapes). Lynn says she's so excited. Haaron is too, for other reasons.
Mars Investigations. Keith is taking a look at the photos again. He zeroes in on a picture of one of the two other women Haaron admitted to having slept with. She's posing in a Wonder Woman-type outfit, against a backdrop of intricately-carved pumpkins. As they used to say in noir films: "That ain't good, sweetheart."
Chez Echolls. Some jerk finishes up on the piano, and Lynn tells everyone to stay put for nine o'clock: "I have a big holiday surprise for everyone!" Haaron sees another of his squeezes sucking an olive suggestively at him. Jeez, hon. At least find some mistletoe and make it look good.
Keith is urgently getting his coat on as he calls the caterer again. He learns that the girl who was fired was a carver. So that's who was cutting all those people on Nip/Tuck! Keith asks if she can tell him what the woman looks like. Well, she's wearing a Santa hat and looking pretty unpsyched about serving a tray of California rolls, if the ensuing cut is any indication.
Pool house. A sort of punky version of "The Little Drummer Boy" plays. I can honestly say that's the best Christmas music I've heard so far this season. Veronica wins a hand, and snarks that she's kind of impressed with herself. Connor: "You must be really unlucky in love." Veronica laughs. Duncan: "I'm right here." Okay, not really. Logan suggests that they take a break, and Weevil says he could eat something. So it's your turn on your knees? Incidentally, Veronica just won that hand -- everyone still seems to be in the tournament at this point. I'm guessing Keith will be going to that Padres camp, though.
At the party, Veronica and Weevil load their buffet plates. Weevil makes a big show of noting that he's at this fancy party with a hilarious "Where's Weevil?" A passing extra looks horrified to realize that the answer is, in fact, right there. Hee. It's a wonderful life, as Weevil well knows. Veronica sees Jake Kane excuse himself from his wife and the Echolls parents, and excuses herself in turn.
Elsewhere, Duncan finds Logan and apologizes in a straight-guy way. That is so say, there's a lot of manly hemming and hawing, but if you listen closely, you might actually hear the word "sorry." Logan looks touched as he admits that he's done plenty of other stuff, which isn't so much the straight-guy way, but you knew that already. The two of them then complete the traditional WASP apology, which is to turn to the open bar and proceed to get shitfaced.
Keith tries to get into the party, but the security guys deny him.
Veronica tracks down Jake Kane in the study. Keep an eye out for candlesticks and lead pipes, Veronica. People were wondering what he's doing just poking around in an empty room, which is indeed a fair question. Veronica closes the door and gets right into it, asking Jake if it's standard company security practice to tail sixteen-year-old girls and draw bullseyes on their photographs. If it is, I hope they have the good sense not to make it known at the shareholders' meeting.
Keith sidles away from the security guards.
Voice breaking, Veronica tells Jake what Widman did, and asks why he did it. Jake claims that she's not making any sense. "What Child Is This" is playing in the background, by the way. Heh. Veronica asks why he ran Lianne out of town, an accusation he denies, and when she asks why Lianne would have hidden the pictures, Jake bellows that he doesn't know. Veronica says she doesn't believe him. She lets him pass, but not before Keith sees them talking. Uh oh. Better upgrade that Christmas present ASAP.
Jake storms back into the party, Veronica slowly following. As Duncan approaches Veronica, Jake grabs his wife and asks just what the hell she did. Mommie Sneerest asks what he means, but he positively manhandles her out of the room over her protests. Oh, my. Now that is interesting. And can anyone describe the car ride home? Un! Comfortable! Haaron thinks this means it's time for a drink. Well, it is o'clock. Duncan, looking perturbed, disappears, as Veronica tries to take in what she just saw.
Lynn rings a bell to get everyone's attention. She informs everyone that if they'll follow the Santas outside, she has a special surprise for them. Speaking of which, Keith has made his way into the party. Haaron says he'll get his jacket. There are a bunch of people in old-time costume set up to carol. Lynn grabs Haaron, who's talking to a genial-looking Ho Peep. They start to head outside, but they're interrupted by the Carver, whom Haaron apparently slept with and told he loved. Well, sure, but a lot of people's affirmations are suspect when made with a carving knife at the throat. Keith sees what's going on and starts toward the scene. Haaron denies knowing the Carver, which is all the reason she needs to stab him nice and good right then and there. The ensuing slow-motion shots are interspersed with normal-time shots of the carolers, giving the whole scene a glitzy, surreal feeling that totally worked for me, although many of the forum posters don't share that opinion. Keith tackles the Carver. Haaron cringes in pain as Ho Peep looks on in horror. Logan looks distraught as his mother yells for someone to call an ambulance. The weapon -- a screwdriver, or possibly an awl -- lies on the floor. Logan calls on his cell. Haaron loses consciousness. Veronica looks distraught as well. Outside, people applaud the carolers, having no idea what just transpired mere yards away. As we pull back from the cheesy fake snow (being blown into the air by guys with blowers on platforms, heh) and unwary happy people outside, VMVO asks: "What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was, and always will be about the trappings. The lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption. No, Veronica, there is no Santa Claus." And that's the sentiment that was more appropriate for the holidays than the episode they yanked. Merry Christmas!