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So like, you guys? You know how people were really worried about there being lots of corruption and fraud in this election? Well, they were totally right! No, not about that election with those two guys. I'm talking about the student-body election in Neptune, where Duncan, despite not even entering the race himself, wins, beating out the popular ex-cheerleader social-reformer candidate. Veronica smells a rat, and exposes an irregularity that forces a runoff between Duncan and the favorite, Wanda. But Wanda isn't squeaky clean, and when Duncan wins the runoff, it seems like justice has been served. In other news, we meet Logan's parents. Lisa Rinna barely gets any screen time as his mom, although she does get a drink. But when Logan gets involved in organizing some skid row boxing, Harry Hamlin as his dad tells him what's what in no uncertain terms. We also learn that forty lashes are worth half a million dollars. And, after a disappointing absence last week, Lilly Kane is back, and deader than ever. She dreamtalks Veronica into action, and at the end, Veronica does the same for Keith, who had given up the murder investigation. It just keeps getting twistier, folks. Now I've got to pay attention to that other thing. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Man, this isn't going to be easy. It's like trying to do a stand-up routine at a funeral. Of someone you actually liked. Jon Stewart, would you write this recap for me? Better yet, would you marry me? Of course, that's completely forbidden in eleven shiny new states now, so how do you feel about Canada? Pretty good, huh? Me too.
Fade up on a palatial estate. Logan, in bathrobe over pajamas, rides down his driveway on a scooter to retrieve the paper. Between the scooter and the outfit, you're not exactly projecting the manliest image there, son. The backdrop of palm trees and terra cotta as far as the eye can see isn't helping, either. A crowd comes spilling out of an RV that's parked across from the gates at the end of the driveway. Logan aggressively tells the trailer-park crowd -- who seem harmless enough, if camera-happy -- to get away from the property. Dude, considering that the house isn't even within walking distance of the gate, I don't know why you care. From the town over, a robe-and-nightie-clad Lisa Rinna calls to Logan to get back in the house. I was pretty excited about this cast, because seeing Lisa Rinna on Melrose Place taught me one of life's very important lessons: from watching her throw over Rob Estes for Jack Wagner, I was able to conclude that collagen injections cause blindness. If it weren't for her, I might have had to wait all the way until "Barbara Hershey" to find that out. Before Logan can get back on his scooter, however, a luxury car pulls up, and out pops Harry Hamlin, Logan's father Aaron Echolls, and Lisa Rinna's real-life husband. He also slept with Michael Ontkean in one of the earlier gay movies that I remember, the horribly cheesily-titled Making Love. That's not really a propos of anything, but I figured I'd talk about it while it's still legal to do so. Actually, there is a point to bringing that up -- it reminds me of how atrocious Harry Hamlin's hair used to be. In fact, this role is the first one I've seen in which he doesn't appear to be wearing a very thick toupee. Some things really do age well. Haaron's all autographs and smiles for the cameras, and even brings Logan over for an impromptu photo op. He tells Logan that these folks pay for the lifestyle to which the Echolls family has become accustomed. And it looks like that doesn't leave them much money to spend on fashion, either.
Establishing shot of the school. Inside, Duncan finds his dad and thanks him for bringing his soccer equipment: "I polled the rest of the soccer team. None of them want [sic] to see my junk." I'd bet one out of ten of them was lying. And will be for at least the four years. Jake notices that school elections are taking place this week, and advises Duncan to run, since it would look good on his college application. Man, the way Jake keeps pushing Duncan about college, you'd think Jake couldn't afford to buy a new building for a university. Or, you know, all the universities. Duncan good-naturedly tells Jake that all student government does is "sell candy and argue about prom decorations." In my school, I don't think they didn't even did that. Selling candy was the domain of the football team, and...well, I didn't care about prom, since it wasn't something boys went to with other boys. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. Pardon my French. And fuck this fucking administration. Pardon it again. Jake tells Duncan that that'll change with "the reign of Kane." Kind of adorably, Jake knows that's a cheesy line. That doesn't stop Duncan from making fun of him, though. Good for him.
Outside, Veronica tells Wallace that Keith wants to take her to the San Diego Zoo that weekend. Wallace thinks that sounds fun. After your experience in the pilot, Wallace, I'd think you'd have some empathy for animals who can't do anything but get gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. Oh well. I never thought your learning curve was very steep anyway. Veronica complains that Keith has been going a little nuts with the father-daughter days. I guess he's trying to get it while the getting's good, until the Icetwin comes on the scene. Ew. I'm not helping here, am I? Wallace mock-sadly tells Veronica that he'd love to go to the zoo with his dad, but that he can't, because his dad's dead. I hope this happened a long time ago, because otherwise his geniality seems a bit misplaced. Veronica apologizes, and then they notice as a girl makes a big show about getting a food delivery. Honey, you might want to play it a little cooler, considering how you just discovered Hot Topic and all. Some girl, who looks like Marcia Brady with pancake makeup and a cheerleader's uniform, and is also carrying two pizzas, snots up to Not! Topic and tells her she's "not allowed delivery." Not! Topic tells Makeup, Makeup, Makeup! that she's not allowed to breathe her air: "Go, shoo, return to Xanadu!" Not exactly Jane tackling a wedding-dress-clad Sydney into the Melrose Place pool, is it? Then again, what is? (It's nice to have an excuse to make Melrose references. Lucky Jessica.)
Makeup, Makeup, Makeup! goes and tattles to Miss Dent that "Wanda" just had food delivered, which is a problem because she doesn't have any "Pirate Points." At Miss Dent's bafflement, M,M,M! explains that Pirate Points are earned by being a "contributing member of the school," in other words, through activities such as Student Council, sports... Miss Dent raises an eyebrow and asks, "Cheerleading?" M,M,M!: "Is a sport." Miss Dent has clearly never seen Bring It On. And, as such, is dead to me. M,M,M! goes and tattles to Vice-Principal Clemens, and they go confront Wanda, who's sitting with Felix. Clemens tells her that he'll have to confiscate the food. Wanda reacts by going over to M,M,M!, hopping up on her table, and planting each of her boots square in a pizza. M,M,M! freaks. I don't know what she's so upset about. I'm sure her index finger could use the break, if you take my meaning. Clemens summons Wanda to his office. We flash over to Wallace, who's impressed. Veronica tells Wallace Wanda's name, and says they used to be in pep squad together. Which makes me wonder, since they're both now outcasts with that group, why they're not already friends. Then again, Wanda's got something Veronica lacks. It's what our country's fearless leader might term "poserosity."
Chez Mars. Keith arrives home to find Veronica making sundaes. Man, everyone I know could use one of those right now. Maybe with butterscotch. Eh, screw the butter. Keith collapses into a chair. Veronica asks him if he had a rough day, and Keith lapses into a Philip Marlowe impression. I could live with it in small doses. Veronica plays along, and then tells him they're having dessert for dinner. Yay. The sugar buzz is killed, however, when it comes over the TV that Abel Koontz, the dude convicted of killing Lilly, fired his public defender that day. We see old footage of Koontz being arrested, and of Officer Fuckface holding up evidence presumably found on Koontz's boat, including a pair of what look like ballet slippers, with a froufrou ribbon on each of them, and a heart with some writing inside drawn on the left one. The announcer tells us that Koontz is scheduled to die by lethal injection as early as the year, barring appeals. Keith flips off the TV. Veronica asks why Koontz fired his lawyer. Keith: "'Cause he's ready to die." Veronica asks what Keith is going to do about it. Keith points out that no one in Neptune cares what he believes: "This town's gonna have to find another conspiracy nut." Keith, I believe you already know Veronica. But not as well as some people think, I hope.
In Veronica's room, which is now GREEN! Instead of RED!, Lilly appears to her and says, like in horror movies, she's doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served. Veronica: "Really?" Lilly: "Yeah, that, and, as kind of a side project, I dispense fashion advice." Hee. Veronica asks if Koontz killed her. Lilly says she can't say, and Veronica wonders why he'd have wanted to kill her. Lilly: "Honestly! I was awesome, right?" Hee, again. And yes, it seems in fact you were. Veronica tearily says she misses Lilly. Lilly beams....
And the GREEN! of Lilly is replaced by the normal RED! as Veronica wakes up. Hmm. I wonder what color the room is when she dreams about Weevil.
School. Some girl is babbling school news on the local network. Miss Dent comes over to Veronica and asks if she'd be interested in covering the election. Veronica cracks a joke, but agrees. On the TV, the girl announces that Wanda is running for student body president. Wanda tells the school that student government doesn't do jack, but she's promising real change as The Electric Guitar Of Credibility strums jauntily in the background. Wanda pledged to abolish Pirate Points. Everyone cheers, and I'm not surprised. Who would support a system that sounds like a promotional campaign for Long John Silver's? Wanda signs off with a salute and a "God Bless America" that are supposed to be ironic, but she's too much of a poser to pull it off. Nevertheless, just about everyone cheers, including Veronica and Duncan. The one dissenter is Logan, who's worried about his precious point system. I can't imagine that Logan has participated in many school activities, but perhaps "King of the Assholes" is a vaunted school position. In fact, thinking back on my high-school experience, I'd be surprised if it weren't. Logan thinks Duncan should run. Duncan, not so much.
Okay, I need to take a break here. Remember those commercials from the '70s with the Native American shedding a single tear at the destruction of the land? I was like that just now. Then I started thinking about the economy, and the deficit, and our foreign policy, and the rights of women and minorities, and the Supreme Court, and the single tear found a lot of company. George W. Bush, you owe me a new keyboard.
A long time ago, there used to be a theme song.
Some geek (Corny, I think) unveils a colorful "Give Me Wanda" poster. Eh. Veronica sits with Wanda and interviews her. Wanda babbles about class warfare and haves and have-nots. I'd be fine if I could not have the outfit she's wearing. Red fishnets with a twee red belt and yellow-and-black-checked skirt? Wars have been fought over less. She spews forth rhetoric about how the Pirate Points are just another way the rich kids keep them down: "It's time to take action!" Veronica's impressed. Well, we're all vulnerable some days. Like today, for instance.
Logan pulls into a gas station. Three of his idiot friends go into the mini-market as he gasses up. Some friendly dude of color starts cleaning his windshield. Logan tells him he won't pay him, but the guy points to a sign that says, "Homeless Vet: Donations Accepted." And I could make a comment, but I think I'll just settle for a nice deep sigh. At least then I'll be remembering to breathe. One of Logan's cronies -- who looks like an ugly teenaged Owen Wilson -- returns, and he and Logan eye the guy speculatively. Logan asks him if he was Army, but the answer is no, Marines. After a couple more questions, the four kids get in the SUV, and Logan tells the dude that he's putting together an amateur boxing night. He holds out a hundred-dollar bill and tells the guy he wants him to win. The dude asks Logan if he really thinks he can just up and buy him like that: "Is that how it is?" Logan tells him that's exactly how it is. The guy's tone gets threatening as he refuses, but that doesn't stop Logan from derogatorily imitating the guy squeegeeing before he drives off. Man, Logan's so smug that I'd love to see someone kick his ass. Although an ass-kicking from someone who didn't sire him might be a little more satisfying and a lot less disturbing.
Some girl is chirpily explaining why she'd be a good president. Honey, you're no Reese Witherspoon, I tell you what. Some Goth dude says that Wanda's going to win going away, and that Logan can kiss his precious Pirate Points goodbye. On cue, an ad comes up showing Duncan's name against a backdrop of the American flag. Haaron's voice intones, "Duncan Kane. A natural leader." Duncan's shocked. Hee, but to run for office, don't you have to collect petitions and hand them in yourself or something? Maybe Logan cashed in some Pirate Points for this. Haaron lists Duncan's achievements -- soccer, editor of the paper, 3.924 GPA. Dude, if all that's true, Duncan could walk into any university in the country right now. In fact, he could cause a slap fight between admissions officers from Harvard and Yale. And then he'd go to Princeton. Why are you looking at me like that? Haaron goes on to say that Duncan's a National Merit semifinalist, "and all-around righteous dude!" Hee. Haaron appears on the screen, saying that he's known Duncan for a long time, and that Duncan's the real deal. He finishes, "Duncan Kane for student-body president." He doesn't add, "I'm a stinking rich motherfucker, and I approve this message." The ad gets some decent applause from the class. Miss Dent tells them that that's the last of the five candidates, as M,M,M! enters and hands Miss Dent a list. She wishes Duncan good luck, and leaves as Veronica gives her a look baleful enough to melt the makeup right off her face. And as I said before, it's an awful lot of makeup. Miss Dent distributes the ballots right there, and writes the candidates' names on the board as she says that if there's no majority, the top two finishers will compete in a runoff. Well, that's silly. I can't think of any election where that would have changed anything. Of course, due to some recent head trauma my memory only goes back three years, but what difference is that likely to make? Duncan begs Logan not to vote for him. Logan: "Did you hear that, folks? He's humble to boot!" Hee. Veronica obliges him, and votes for Wanda. Oh, Veronica. A vote for Wanda is a vote for change. But I like the way you dress just fine now.
Mars Investigations. VMVO tells us that if Lilly's going to haunt her until justice has been served, she'd better get cracking. If it means no Lilly once she's solved the case, I'd be just as happy if she took her time. On her desktop computer, Veronica has folders with suspects' names on them, which contain four categories each, entitled "Information," "Alibi," "Motive," and "Evidence." The four we see at first are Koontz, Jake Kane, Celeste Kane, and Logan. I can't believe she thinks Logan's really a viable suspect, but seething hatred can occasionally affect one's judgment. Or so I've heard. Veronica drops a throwaway line that Celeste is a "renowned philanthropist," and then makes a new folder for Duncan. I'm surprised there wasn't one already, but maybe his alibi was the most airtight until the revelation about the traffic ticket came up.
Cut to Veronica opening her dad's safe. She rifles through everything that's there about Lilly's murder: "How many times do I have to look at this stuff? Until it starts making sense." Man, if I followed that dictum with the television I watch, I'd still be viewing Buffy's last two seasons. There aren't a lot of things that could make the four years seems short by comparison, but that's certainly one of them.
Night. The rich kids have formed a boxing ring by pulling a bunch of their cars as far up to each other as they'll go, with the headlights facing in to illuminate the action. Logan announces "the main event" and introduces the two Skid Row contestants as drunken rich kids exchange money. And no, I'm not talking about the band Skid Row, but if I were, I'll bet there would be a lot more people there. Who wouldn't spend a little money to see those guys get their asses kicked? Logan says he wants a clean fight, and the two guys circle each other at a distance of about twenty paces. I'm thinking they're taking the expression "clean fight" a little too seriously.
Veronica finds an envelope she's never seen before, containing pictures of Lilly's bedroom taken after she died, presumably the night she was found. It appears as though "Lilly" is short for "Lillian," for the inquiring minds among you. And judging from the forum posts, your numbers are legion. Veronica quickly discovers that the sneakers found in Koontz's boat are in a corner of the picture, lying under her desk. She barely gets a chance to process this before she hears a noise from outside. She replaces everything and locks the safe just before Keith walks into the office. He doesn't seem to notice anything, and she smiles to herself in relief.
School. Veronica muses to Wallace that it's a little sad, since the era of Pirate Points will end with Wanda's election. I'm quite certain she can come up with something even lamer. Did I mention I'm not really a fan? Clemens gets on the P.A. system and announces that the election results have been tallied, and that there will be no runoffs. A lot of people start chanting Wanda's name as the new secretary and vice-president are announced. And finally, the president...Duncan. Everyone's stunned, and Wallace points out that there's no way Duncan could have gotten half the vote. Veronica: "Now I've got a story." One that might involve talking to your ex-boyfriend. Weren't you two having sex dreams about each other a few episodes ago? That's going to be a hard interview. Yeah, I said it.
Veronica walks into a classroom and asks a "Miss Donaldson" if she got her message. Miss Donaldson, incidentally, is played by Jane Lynch, who's one of those actresses that's been in absolutely everything. If I'm not mistaken -- and Wing can tell me one way or the other -- she was the professor who defended Felicity when she was accused of plagiarism, rightly as it happened. ["I think I had stopped watching the show by then. I can say she was Pacey Witter's mom, though." -- Wing Chun] Miss Donaldson says she won't allow Veronica to inspect the ballots, and gives her an officious lecture. Veronica says that the student charter allows her to lodge a formal protest, but Miss Donaldson trumps her with another bureaucratic speech: "Once the votes have been certified, a faculty sponsor must approve any request for a recount." Veronica asks if that means she just needs another teacher to rubber-stamp her request. Miss Donaldson looks up in alarm, as she realizes she's managed to strangle herself with her own red tape...
...because here comes Sydney at Veronica's side, ready to make a dent in Miss Donaldson's plans. (Oh, I know it's a bad joke, but it's hard work writing these recaps. Hard work! ["Workin' Saturdays! Orderin' in!" -- Wing Chun]) Veronica thanks Miss Dent for her help. Miss Dent cautions her not to get too into the situation. Veronica: "Fair and balanced. That's me." Well, it's not exactly news that you're a fox. (Hard work!) By the way, there are tons of "Wanda" posters in the hall, and none that are clearly for any other candidate, which is ridiculous. Veronica presents Miss Dent to Miss Donaldson, and the two of them step aside for a confab. Miss Donaldson just can't believe that Miss Dent is letting Veronica "rope" her into this, while Miss Dent, joined by me, doesn't see what the big deal is. Miss Donaldson makes with the vague threats. Miss Dent, secure in the knowledge that no one wearing a sweater tied around her neck ever succeeded with intimidation tactics, doesn't back down. Veronica smiles.
Veronica, Wallace, and Wanda (should she be there? And should they be doing this alone? I DON'T THINK SO) are running the ballots through the ScanTron machine. They come up with the same results as the first time. Veronica notes that Wallace voted for some loser girl, prompting Wallace to wonder why she's got his student ID number memorized. Well, I can't think of a good reason, but I'd be happy to help you start eliminating choices, starting with "She likes you that way." Miss Donaldson breezes through on a zephyr of snark. Which will be the name of TWoP's official band, once we give up recapping and take the show on the road. Veronica notices that some idiot who wrote "WANDA RULEZ" on its ballot voted for Duncan. Wallace does some checking and finds that the dude in question has art first period.
Cut to Veronica snooping around the art classroom. She pulls up the chart that's covering the blackboard to find the voting list -- only the order of Wanda's and Duncan's names are reversed from how they were in Miss Dent's classroom. I know some people say all politicians are the same, but this is taking it a little far. Also, those people are morons.
Clemens's office. Veronica explains that there were two sets of ballot instructions -- classes with lots of 09er kids got the right list, while other classes, such as band, autoshop, and art -- got a fake list with Wanda's and Duncan's names reversed. Maybe it's my own experience, but I find it hard to believe that the kids would have such autonomy over their schedules for the different cliques to be in classes together. I mean, if that were true, would Veronica have so many classes with Logan? Miss Donaldson says Clemens can't really believe this. Miss Dent suggests they ask the kids from first-period art, throwing open the door to reveal the entire class waiting at the door. And not to put too fine a point on it, but it's a little ironic that an entire art class could have been so uniformly painted with the ugly brush. Clemens asks Veronica who she thinks tampered with the ballot, and Veronica points out that it shouldn't be hard to figure: just check whose code was entered into the copier that made the ballot instructions. Miss Donaldson pipes up that her student aide made them...
..who, we see in a flashback, just happens to be Makeup, Makeup, Makeup! Oh, honey, you can run, but you can't hide. Not even behind three pounds of foundation.
Cut to the hallway, where Clemens's voice announces that there will be a runoff between Duncan and Wanda. It seems like maybe they should redo the entire election from scratch, but maybe no one else got any votes to speak of. Veronica indulges in some gloating to M,M,M!, telling her that now that all her privileges from her "contributing" gigs have been revoked, she might want to go with Sloppy Joes on Fridays. Veronica smiles off, and M,M,M! is aghast that anyone would suggest that she consume more than fifty calories at one sitting.
VMVO tells us that she's been waiting for an opportunity to take a closer look at the picture she found in Keith's safe. She puts it into a scanner and blows it up on her computer screen. The left shoe has the heart that we saw earlier, meaning it's definitely the same one Officer Fuckface was holding up for the cameras. This sends Veronica into a flashback. Lilly and Logan are being lovey-dovey as Veronica draws the heart on her shoe. I think they're sneakers, actually, and that the ribbons just obscure the laces. Veronica writes "Duncan" in the heart. Lilly: "Now that's just creepy." Um, yeah. We've had quite enough incestuous innuendo already on this show. Meaning "any." Veronica picks up the phone and dials "Action News." She tells the guy who picks up that she's a journalism student, and asks for a copy of a piece on Koontz that ran a couple days earlier.
Parked at a roadside stand, Duncan and Jake are enjoying some junky Mexican-esque food. Jake says that Celeste and her personal trainer don't have to know anything about this. Heh. Jake suggests that they stop on the way home and pick up some campaign bumper stickers. Dude, how long is it before the runoff anyway? Duncan wants to know whom the "we" in the equation is, and Jake confesses that he means to appropriate his graphics team to do it. Man, I'd think any bumper sticker Jake's team would design would cause a lot of traffic accidents. Well, anything to achieve nerdvana. Duncan's not too thrilled with the idea, but Jake tells him he just wants to see Duncan involved in something. Besides the soccer team, which totally doesn't count, I suppose. Jake: "Your happiness is all I've ever wanted." Well, I'm glad he has such humble desires, instead of, for instance, the more ambitious goal of having a daughter who lived past the age of sixteen. Duncan allows himself a smile, and the two of them banter about driftwood carvings and Stanford Law. At least Duncan's laughing. Maybe he's dropping his meds down the sink again.
In the hall at school, there's a stir caused by the fact that some of Wanda's posters have been defaced by a large "NARC" written on them. Veronica goes to her locker and discovers a sticker with the words "KANE" and "PRESIDENT" on it. Boy, if that's what Jake's crack design team came up with, I can only imagine that after the streaming video breakthough, all the talent took the stock options and ran. And considering how stock options of internet companies have panned out over the last decade, I can't say as I blame them. There are also some girly drawings on the locker that I'm not sure were there before, and I wonder if Duncan put them there to remind Veronica of Lilly. (Not that Lilly's girly, but given her froufrou sneakers, maybe she wore some such stuff ironically.) Veronica goes over to Wanda, and we see that "NARC" is spray-painted on her locker; she tells Veronica that the same thing happened to her car. Veronica smiles that whoever did it chose the word "narc" because it would hit hardest with her constituency. Or, as another possibility, because she's a big fat tattletale. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Veronica invites Wanda over to her house that night to make new posters (again, how much time before the runoff?), and suggests that they listen to Avril Lavigne "just like their pep squad days." Wanda strikes a perky pose and is like, "Awesome!" Veronica laughs, and then is all, "Don't do that." Hee. Seriously.
Veronica goes to see Logan, and accuses him of being behind the narc-apade. Logan tells her to find a new bad guy: "I just don't have time to be responsible for every little thing that goes wrong in your life!" Who does? Most people I know are very busy already, and that's a job that should pay overtime. Veronica turns her attention to Duncan, asking if he handled this in his usual way: "You don't initiate trouble. You don't initiate much of anything anymore." Well, you know I love our heroine here, so I certainly don't blame her for being bitter that the last thing he initiated was the unceremonious dumping of her ass. Duncan asks for further clarification, and Veronica spits, "You stand idly by." Well, it's hard to argue with that, from what we've seen so far. Which means Veronica will be having a nice soufflé in a couple episode made of her words. Ugly Owen Wilson tells Logan to check out The Smoking Gun. He does, and I'm surprised the show got permission to use the real site. The "Featured Document" contains a picture of Logan's dad. Inside, the headline reads, "A-Lister's Link to Twisted Pastime," and there's a streaming video of Logan whooping it up while watching a skid row fight. Logan shits his pants as he mentally curses Jake Kane. For something other than killing his girlfriend, for a change.
Chez Mars. Wanda's painting her toenails as she asks what the story is with Veronica and Weevil. Veronica: "There's no story." Apparently our heroine has never heard of fanfic. Lucky girl. Wanda breezes that she thought Veronica might have shared Lilly's penchant for bad boys. She goes on to say that she heard something about Lilly and Weevil which, given the end of the fourth episode, is veeeery interesting. Veronica undefensively dismisses Wanda's theory. Wanda brings up college, and rattles off a bunch of names, ultimately saying she really wants to go to Williams. Veronica says she can't even think about college without getting a panic attack. Honey, let's get our priorities in order. First you panic about getting the full-season order, then you worry about college.
Logan enters his dark house, evidently hoping that his dad has gone to bed. Not so much. Creepily backlit from the pool, Haaron tells Logan that the phone's been ringing every five minutes -- Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, E!. Apparently, Haaron doesn't believe that no publicity is bad publicity. He advances on Logan as his tone becomes more menacing. He tosses Logan onto the couch as he says that Logan doesn't have any idea what he's cost the family. He tells Logan that the day after school, he's going to get his first lesson in public relations: "Logan, don't you ever embarrass me again." And this from the man that participated in the L.A. Law movie. And appears to be wearing a gold watch on each wrist. Oy. Logan half-glowers, half-cowers us into the last commercial break.
Veronica's handing out bumper stickers plugging Wanda. She tries to give one to Weevil, but he declines it, although he looks happy enough to see Veronica. Uh-huh. He tells Veronica that Felix got busted for having all the "Welcome to Neptune" signs in his bedroom, and that the bust happened, coincidentally enough, a week after he started hooking up with Wanda. Let's play detective for a moment: we know that Felix stole a bunch of signs. We also know that he hooked up with Wanda. We therefore have enough evidence to form a conclusion. That being that Felix is a big weenie. See, the Marses aren't the only detectives around here! Veronica looks confused.
Veronica catches Wanda in the hall and suggests that they go to a rave in the desert that weekend to celebrate, "win or lose." There's a joke about John Kerry on Ecstasy in there somewhere, but I can't make it just yet. Besides, that's kind of a scary image. Wanda wonders if they need any "provisions," and Veronica says they do, "with a capital E," but that she knows a guy. Wanda's down, and walks off. Veronica's smile fades. You're just now figuring out this chick is a loser? You're usually one step ahead!
In Miss Dent's class, it's time to vote -- again. VMVO wonders whom she should vote for, calling Wanda "potentially duplicitous." And not to mention a bad fashion influence. Veronica flashes back to herself and Duncan holding hands at a lunch table. Some dorky kid sits down to Duncan. Lilly and Logan are across the table, and the four of them make small talk until Ugly Owen Wilson appears and moves the dorky kid's tray to another table. Duncan sticks up for the kid, impressing Veronica. I like the fact that Logan wasn't a dick to the kid -- I think he probably would have been if Duncan and Lilly weren't around, but I'm betting that the two of them together were enough to rein him in. Back in the present, Veronica considers her decision.
Haaron's gassing up at the same service station at which Logan was such a jackhole to that veteran earlier. Haaron wraps up a brief phone call that is nevertheless long enough to convey that he doesn't give a rat's ass about the homeless, which will speak somewhat to Logan's actions later. Haaron tells Logan that the cameras will get a few shots of Logan volunteering at the soup kitchen, and then Haaron will join Logan for an interview with the television crews. Logan asks what he should tell them. Haaron asks what he thinks: "That you're sorry, that you're boneheaded, and that you screwed up! I'll take care of the rest." Not to give anything away, but that's what you think. Haaron gets another call. It's about a script that he thinks sucks, but he signs on anyway. He hammily tells Logan, "How do you argue with eight figures? You can't! It can't be done!" Wow, and it will really increase your taxable income, too. I'll bet you could use a good writeoff. The windshield washer from earlier saunters up to Logan, calling him "Don King" (hee), and asking if he found someone "willing to make a bitch outta hisself for cash." "Someone" gets back in the car and asks Logan if he's ready. Haaron drives as Logan stares at his bitch of a dad.
Cut to the homeless shelter, where Logan is jauntily serving food. A reporter tells Haaron she's ready, so he grabs Logan. As flashes go off, Haaron tells the crowd that his father wasn't educmacated, but he told him, "A good heart is worth all the heads in the world out together." He fails to add, "I killed him for the insurance money. Heart, schmeart." He tells everyone that Logan wasn't using his head, but that he has a great heart. Logan looks all happy and misty. Perhaps Haaron should consider casting him in his film. Logan stammers an apology, which is just hilarious if you know what's coming. They embrace, and Logan tells his dad he loves him, as a reporter nods tearily at the promotion this saccharine moment is sure to bring her. Logan goes on to say that his dad didn't want to make a big deal, but he's so proud that he "can't keep it a secret." Perhaps again thinking of Making Love, Haaron wonders where this is going. Logan: "Dad told me on the way over that he's donating half a million dollars to the Neptune Food Bank." The crowd goes wild as Logan applauds. "Way to go, Dad!" Hee. Haaron has to stop himself from biting through his lower lip...
...and we cut to Logan sliding open a pair of glass doors to a closet full of hanging belts. I can report from reading the forums that I am not nearly the only person who knew exactly where this was going. In fairness to my parents, though, I should add that it wasn't from personal experience. Logan makes his selection, and expertly twists the belt. He goes into his dad's office and hands him the weapon. Haaron's office is full of fake-movie prints that he starred in. As his dad closes the door, Logan, with his back to us, starts to take off his shirt. As we hear the crack of leather against skin, we pan over to Lynn (that's Lisa Rinna) who's listening to the abuse while sipping out of a large highball. Her expression is ambiguous, depending on what time you think she started drinking.
Veronica's doing something detective-y when some guy appears and tells her that Clemens wants to inspect her locker. VMVO: "You'd think I'd quit being surprised at finding a knife in my back." She goes to her locker, where Clemens and the sheriff's department officer from the pilot are waiting, although the latter is sans dog. Veronica testily opens her locker, and the dude doesn't find anything. Veronica: "There's a couple of suckers" -- they look up at her -- "in the bag, if you want one." Hee. There we are, back to being one step ahead. Clemens looks annoyed, but he's interrupted by Miss Donaldson's voice, who announces that the winner of the runoff is...Duncan! Guess the "narc" thing worked. Veronica considers the result, and then goes over to Wanda. Holding some campaign stuff, she tells Wanda that they're not going to that rave after all: "But I do have a pretty good idea of where you can stick these." Hee. Wanda tells her that she got busted for possession a year earlier, and that this was the only way they'd keep it off her record. I don't understand that, really. Busting Felix was one thing, but does she have a quota or something? Because otherwise, I don't see why she'd sell out Veronica. Veronica starts to walk away, but Wanda calls after her that if she'd won, they could have changed the way things work in Neptune High. Veronica walks back and smiles. "You know what? No hard feelings. I didn't vote for you!" Bye, Wanda. Hope there's a Hot Topic in Williamstown.
Miss Donaldson presents Duncan to a small group of students. He quickly announces that Pirate Points will be available to the tired, poor, and huddled. Well, he's talking about the people in band and on the newspaper, but that's what he meant. He wraps up his "Some are NOT more equal than others" speech: "What kind of candy should we sell this year?" Everyone laughs, and we see that Jake is in the doorway, looking on proudly. Now he would never whip his son. Or his d...arn it, there I go again.
Veronica goes to open her dad's safe again, but she can't. VMVO: "Dad changed the combination. He knows." Well, not to denigrate your detective skills, but duh.
Veronica arrives home, and Keith, in what's looking to be his usual position slumped on the couch, tells her that there's a package for her. He notes that it's from Action News, and Veronica not-quite-convincingly lies that it's for a journalism project. She haltingly starts to walk into her room, and Keith's eyes follow her slightly wistfully. But she steels herself and turns around. She tells Keith that she was lying, that he knew it, and that she doesn't want their relationship to be like "our own game of Spy Vs. Spy." Glad I got to that reference before she did. Have I mentioned what hard work this job is? Veronica tells Keith she knows he's still investigating Lilly's murder, but he corrects her that he was, but isn't anymore. He used to think that if he solved the case, all their problems would be solved -- his reputation would be restored, Lianne would come back, Veronica's social problems would be fixed -- but now he just wants to enjoy his time with Veronica. She tells him that the package she got contains the footage of Koontz's arrest, and pulls out the enlarged copy of the sneaker photo. Keith looks dubious, but snaps to attention when Veronica pauses the tape: "What are those shoes doing in Abel Koontz's possession?" Veronica, earnestly and urgently: "Good question."
Man, they are pacing this arc perfectly so far. I like the fact that some of the cloak-and-dagger stuff between Keith and Veronica is over -- it's clearly going to take both of them combined to solve this case. At the same time, there's a lot she still doesn't know, and I think every episode is going to reveal another tantalizing piece of the puzzle. But please don't talk about cancellation. I certainly couldn't take it this week, you know? Speaking of which, no scenes from week ran in my market because of the election coverage, but some people got them, and a new episode is listed in my DVR for week. See you then!
Miss Donaldson presents Duncan to a small group of students. He quickly announces that Pirate Points will be available to the tired, poor, and huddled. Well, he's talking about the people in band and on the newspaper, but that's what he meant. He wraps up his "Some are NOT more equal than others" speech: "What kind of candy should we sell this year?" Everyone laughs, and we see that Jake is in the doorway, looking on proudly. Now he would never whip his son. Or his d...arn it, there I go again.
Veronica goes to open her dad's safe again, but she can't. VMVO: "Dad changed the combination. He knows." Well, not to denigrate your detective skills, but duh.
Veronica arrives home, and Keith, in what's looking to be his usual position slumped on the couch, tells her that there's a package for her. He notes that it's from Action News, and Veronica not-quite-convincingly lies that it's for a journalism project. She haltingly starts to walk into her room, and Keith's eyes follow her slightly wistfully. But she steels herself and turns around. She tells Keith that she was lying, that he knew it, and that she doesn't want their relationship to be like "our own game of Spy Vs. Spy." Glad I got to that reference before she did. Have I mentioned what hard work this job is? Veronica tells Keith she knows he's still investigating Lilly's murder, but he corrects her that he was, but isn't anymore. He used to think that if he solved the case, all their problems would be solved -- his reputation would be restored, Lianne would come back, Veronica's social problems would be fixed -- but now he just wants to enjoy his time with Veronica. She tells him that the package she got contains the footage of Koontz's arrest, and pulls out the enlarged copy of the sneaker photo. Keith looks dubious, but snaps to attention when Veronica pauses the tape: "What are those shoes doing in Abel Koontz's possession?" Veronica, earnestly and urgently: "Good question."
Man, they are pacing this arc perfectly so far. I like the fact that some of the cloak-and-dagger stuff between Keith and Veronica is over -- it's clearly going to take both of them combined to solve this case. At the same time, there's a lot she still doesn't know, and I think every episode is going to reveal another tantalizing piece of the puzzle. But please don't talk about cancellation. I certainly couldn't take it this week, you know? Speaking of which, no scenes from week ran in my market because of the election coverage, but some people got them, and a new episode is listed in my DVR for week. See you then!