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Look, there is no way to give this episode a proper, chronological recaplet, without writing out the better part of a recap, so you're getting it in chunks. I hope it's okay enough for you.
After sidelining Elena, because she looks too much like Amara, Silas takes Damon and Jeremy on a road trip. They're off to New Jersey to find the Other Side Spell Creation anchor. The boys trek all the way to a Jersey storage facility. Ghost O' Bonnie pops in and tries to give Jeremy a pep talk, but she's not the one with faith. He is. When Jeremy learns Q wants Damon to kill Silas before Bonnie has been brought back, he objects. He reminds Damon he promised Elena she'd see Bonnie again. Damon knows that, but if it means Elena's life (even a life without Bonnie) he has to do what he can do to save his best girl. Bonnie consoles Jeremy. She can't, for a moment, think of letting Elena die so she can come back. She tells the Germ to help Damon kill Silas. Damon runs into a Traveler or two. They cast some spell that seems to neutralize his daywalker ring. Damon grabs the heart of one of them, grabs his dagger and throws it into the chest of the other. Two down.... When Elena arrives home, Damon and Jeremy are waiting in the parlor. Damon wonders how it all sussed out. Elena gives him a summary answer which isn't worth transcribing here. The threesome drinks to victory on a day otherwise marred by failure. Damon recounts their litany of woes. Silas is MIA. Amara has been cured. The fate of the Other Side rests on the fate of the living breathing thing they need to protect: Amara. Damon shows Elena that he has Amara bound and gagged in the back of an SUV.
Meanwhile, Miss Katherine, who has found a ginormous grey streak in her hair, decamps to Whitmore, and pretends to be Elena (and hastens to color her hair, tout suite). Caroline outs her within a hot minute, but then our two sassy vixens decide to work together to get to the bottom of Dr. Maxfield's "science." They experiment on Maxfield for a while, mostly by draining the vervain tainted blood out of his body. Off a tip from him, Katherine, in full Elena get-up, arrives at Whitmore Hall for a secret society meeting. The security guard who covered up Megan's death answers the door. The human Katherine saunters in, and eats every drop of food she can shove in her maw. Aaron is there giving her the hairy eyeball. He wonders why Maxfield told him to stay away from her. Since she's not Elena, but Katherine, our Miss Kiki takes a moment to catch on. Once she does, she pumps Aaron for information on the secret society. Then she coughs out a tooth. Kiki is aging exponentially. She runs off stage, so we no longer have to watch it.
Back in the lab, Caroline has to deal with Maxfield. Once enough of his blood has been drained, she compels him to tell her about the secret society. It is called Augustine. Most recruits are legacies, but some, like Maxfield, were chosen for their extraordinary ability. He covered up Megan's death not because it was a vampire death, but because it was death by the Augustine vampire. When the security guard arrives at the lab, Caroline has already compelled Maxfield to cover for her and has Stealth Salvatored away. The guard reports that Elena Gilbert (Katherine) strolled right through the front door of Whitmore Hall. Score 1 for team ambiguous. Later, Katherine enters Mad Max's lab. He still thinks she is Elena. She returns something to him, and he's grateful for it. The problem is that I can't tell what it is -- maybe a USB stick. Talk turns to Jesse, i.e. Maxfield's subject, and how his blood is abnormal. Katherine asks if his subject is the Augustine Vampire. Max tells her to go. Kiki is not inclined. She 'fesses up that she's Katherine and Elena is her doppelgänger. She then hands him her lost tooth and says, "I think I'm dying. I need you to save my life."
After being taunted by Q-Tessa, Elena finds the witch and Stefan holed up in a cabin. Because Silas enchanted the joint, anyone who enters is stuck there until sundown. Q uses Stefan's phone to call Damon (while he's in Jersey). She tells him to kill Silas by sundown, or Elena is a goner. Damon says Silas is enough of a control freak that he wants to do himself in. Q reminds Damon that she doesn't want Silas to find the anchor and wipe out the upper-case Other Side, before he does the deed. She reports that she lured Elena to the cabin, and tries to work Damon's jealousy of Stefan. Then she miscalculates. Q strikes Elena with a mystical migraine. Even though he's an amnesiac, Stefan grows protective. Damon, hearing his best girls anguish over the phone, tells Q he can't kill Silas yet. Q explains that they're trapped in the cabin 'til sundown. If Damon doesn't kill Silas by then, Q will kill Elena. "With a face like Amara's, it might be cathartic."
Elena sits alone and stews in her bitterness, while Q plays up to simple Stefan. Elena questions how Q got there from the other side. Q deflects. Elena has her suspicions, though. Think it through, Elena, Q totally stole Bonnie's life as her own. The closer Stefan gets to Q, the more Elena can't stand it. When Q calls Damon to remind him he must off her lover, Stefan vamp whispers to Elena's vamp hearing to let her know he'll save her. Stefan attacks Q. He and Elena escape. It turns out Q never killed Amara. Amara is the anchor to the spell. Oh well, I still think my daughter's dagger deduction was genius. Whatever. Q never killed Amara. Silas drags one of the fallen Travelers to her, slices open his vein and feeds her his blood. Amara slowly shakes off her desiccation. While the lovers embrace, she cuts him with a shard of glass and drinks his blood. Later, alone in the alley, a bloody faced Amara is freaking out to the extent that I can't cover it in a recaplet. Eventually, she finds Damon. When Stefan finds his way to wherever home currently is, he finds Q waiting for him. She asks if he knows how much it sucks to watch history repeat itself. He tells her he can heal her. Q wants the reminder of what he really is. She then afflicts him with the memory of killing his father and forcing vampirism upon Damon. She drives home his ripperdom and the memory of meeting Elena. She evokes the torture he felt when Silas trapped him underwater in a safe, for the entire summer. Neither of the people who loved him rescued him. "I did. Always remember that." Title card.
I'll be back soon with the full recap. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're coloring our hair and pretending we're young.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Season five of The Vampire Diaries is kicking my ass. The good thing is, compared to season 4 (and probably season 3, although they run together in my head) it is also kicking ass, where watchability is concerned. Just don't make me think about the mythology, because it hurts me. I'm procrastinating, aren't I? Okay, enough of that. Let's rip off the bandage. I'll try not to pick at the scab. Are you ready? Okay!
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries there were smoochies galore, mostly between Stefan and Elena, but then between Elena and Damon. Silas started looking just like Stefan. Nobody wants to go to the party only to be dressed in the same thing someone else is wearing, so he locked Stefan in a safe and tossed him into the quarry, where he drowned and revived all summer long. Qetsiyah (whom I've been calling Q, so of course the show has started calling her Tessa) arrives in town and rescues Stefan, but then wipes out his memories, in order to suppress Silas's telepathy and mind controlling powers (which I'm going to shorthand as telepathy). Dr. Maxfield tells Elena people on campus are watching her and her friends, so she'd best drop out and go home. Damon hatches the cockamamie plan of working with Silas to get the immortality cure, so that when he offs himself, they can trade Silas's life for Bonnie's, and get her back on This Side, ignoring my screams that it's Qetsiyah's life they have to exchange for Bonnie. Q-Tessa tells Stefan that while Silas was her true love, his true love was Amara, who, of course, is played by Nina Dobrev. Even though this is Television Without..., I pity the starving performers who are waiting tables, while Ms. Dobrev and Paul Wesley are hogging all the jobs. Nadia, the would-be Traveler who is actually a vampire as well as Katherine's daughter, tells her mama that Silas needs every last drop of her blood to cure himself. Damon is more than willing to feed Kiki to Silas and does just that, despite her pleas for her life. She seems to die, but then revives, only to see Damon and Elena standing over her. Katherine looks up at them and asks, "Am I in Hell?" -- which will never not be funny.
Now, on The Vampire Diaries, Kiki is at a diner and eating approximately the whole menu. The waitress wonders how a tiny little thing can eat so much, and I just sort of want to slap the writers, because they know this show is aimed at teenage girls, who already have enough food and body issues. Well, I guess it's better than watching her starve herself, so I'll shut up. The waitress congratulates Katherine on her bold hair choice. Kiki has no clue what that means, until she checks her reflection in a napkin holder, and sees the huge grey streak on the righthand side of her head. I've got one starting in the front of my head -- like I'm Bonnie Raitt, which would be fine if I had her talent. Title card.
At Mossy Manse, Damon and Elena are snuggling in front of the fire. Elena wants everything to stay just like this, so Damon reminds her that something is going to walk through the door and shatter their peace within seconds. By the time he counts down from ten (with Elena objecting, all the way), Silas bursts through the door, like he's Lenny and Squiggy, and I've just used two dated references in as many paragraphs. I told you this season is kicking my ass.
With a flick of the wrists, like he's Rumpelstiltskin (finally, something current), Silas throws open the drapes of Mossy Manse and greets his "frenemies." I can't decide if I like that these ancient people (Silas and Q) are so modern or not. I get it. Due to their powers or whatever, they've been able to watch the world change, but they've been sidelined by mystical captivity and death. While I don't want to watch a whole season of them aping Phil Hartman's Keyrock, the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, it's disconcerting that they speak English so well, and are so... American. Ah, yet another archaic reference. Dear Lord, please let this recap land in the hands of an editor who is at least 30. Anyhow, in only a few hours Silas will bound for death. I'd cheer, but I am still enjoying Paul Wesley's enjoyment of this role. Silas blahs about now that he's a witch again the sun feels warmer, but do we care? As for Silas -- he's just ready to die.
We wake somewhere else. I think it's the cabin of that guy who was killed, when Q first rescued Stefan. How you'd make it through these episodes without my razor sharp commentary (not to mention relevant pop culture references), I do not know. Q-Tessa wakes Stefan. She wonders if it is the mystical amnesia or just the tequila which has left him so confused. Stefan allows that it could be both. Q says they bonded over their misery. "There were body shots. The misery lifted." Q is all happy because she saw a text message from the Fellowship that Silas took the cure and is now a witch, and therefore mortal. Now she can kill him. "Get up, gorgeous. Your doppelgänger dies today." I have to say, I like how the show is servicing Stefan, this season. After watching more than a season of him pining after Elena, while she dithered between him and Damon, it's good to see Stefan not currently caring, and hanging with someone who's calling him gorgeous. Granted, she's batshit insane but still, it's nice.
Mossy Manse. Silas takes the Exposition Fairy's (EF) wand and blahs about a lot of back story you already know, so I am not going to try your patience. Damon tells him to stuff it. Elena just needs one good day. She specifies that she needs Silas to bring back Bonnie, upon his death. Silas: "Did you want me to pinkie swear?" Probably. Silas just wants to destroy the Other Side so he doesn't get stuck there. "Before I do that, I'll bring Bonnie back." And being the amazing all powerful blah blee bloo, he says, "I can totally do both things. I just have to find the anchor first, and destroy it." Elena says, "The anchor?" And we cut to the...
Cabin. Q has EF's wand now and explains that Silas needs the anchor she used to bind the Other Side Creation Spell, so that he can use said anchor to wipe out said Other Side. Oh my word, all this repetitive exposition is nearly making me miss Shane. Q tells Stefan that if Silas manages to do that, he "...can die and find peace. I would rather his lying, cheating ass not have that." Stefan understands. I understand. The audience understands. Hell, it's been so often said, I think my dog is starting to get it. We cut to...
Mystic Falls. Damon learns the anchor is hidden in New Jersey. No. You're right. I have no jokes better than that. Good thing Sars no longer works here, or I'd get a size 9 in the pants, for that crack. Silas is about to exposit some more, when the Germ arrives with his crossbow trained on the fiend. Thank you, Jeremy. Silas says, "Hello, Hunter. Banner day for you, huh? Didn't you and the Bennett witch used to [sex sounds]?" Elena shuts that shit right down and starts to reason with her little brother cousin. Damon backs her up. "Put the damned crossbow down, Pocahontas." Jeremy stops painting with all the colors of the wind long enough to note he is disinclined to believe Silas is going to help them out of the goodness of his heart. (I'm not apologizing for that reference -- Disney films are timeless.)
Show, what does it say about your approach to characterization, when the 17-year-old mortal is the grownup in the room? Just ponder that, for a moment. In answer to Jeremy's earlier question, Silas says, "Well, I hope not. I mean I am kind of a monster." Silas says he's feeling ganged up on, so he shoots flames from his fingertips. I think he learned that from Regina. (Yay, another current reference. All right, it's from the same show, but at least that show is still on the air.) In response to Silas's threat that he might do something crazy, the Fellowship settles down. They don't even chortle when Silas (who's voguing about how he constantly reinvents himself) says, "I'm like a supernatural Madonna, don't you think?" Touched for the very first time. Okay, that's another dated reference, but you started it, Show.
Back at the cabin, the real, albeit amnesiac Stefan is still trying to figure out Q's deal. The Exposition Fairy wants to take her big bow, but she's somewhat constrained, because Q isn't ready to answer Stefan's questions. She does share that the Travelers don't want Silas at rest with Amara any more than Q does, but she won't say why. The Travelers have been in possession of the anchor the past 2,000 years, but they constantly move it, to keep it secure. Whatever the anchor is, Q says Silas won't be able to destroy it, so can we all stop pretending, right now, that the anchor is anything but Amara. I know. I know. I liked my kid's theory that the dagger Matt is babysitting was the anchor, but I should have seen this coming.
Back at Mossy Manse, Silas gives marching orders to Jeremy, Damon and Elena, but Elena's marching orders are to keep her Amara-imitating ass at home. He in no way needs to see a doppelgänger of his first love out on the field. Elena protests. We ignore her. Silas doesn't, though. He mojos an arrow into Elena's calf. Damon rushes to her side. Silas threatens that the one will strike her heart, then hurries Damon along. He only has until sundown to before Q is free to stop him. Silas, that's not the Fellowship's fault. You need to talk to the writers about their predilection to set everything hours away from each other. It's becoming as habitual as Events O' the Week, and the trademark throttle. I mean, the anchor couldn't be in West Virginia, or Maryland, or North Carolina? It has to be all the way up in New Jersey? At this point, I think they're just trolling me with these locations. Oh look, a reference from this show -- this season of this show. Maybe I'm getting my groove back. Perhaps I've spoken too soon. Damn it.
Cabin. Stefan is grateful for his amnesia because he can't remember how he ended up in the middle of this. Good instincts, Stefan. I keep trying to forget too, but Q and Silas won't let me. To prove my point Q starts up with some more exposition. I'll spare you. I mean, what the hell is going on with this dialogue? It's all repetitive. It's all filler. A little explanation is useful for new viewers, but this is episode six of season 5. Raise your hand if this episode is the first you've watched. Yes, you, in the back. Shut it off, and go watch season 1. It's way better, anyhow. I realize some reminders are also useful for the forgetful (which I'm trying to be), the confused (I refuse to think hard enough about it for that to vex me), or those who still don't have a DVR. But most of Q's dialogue has been worthless. Is the show so concerned about its spaghetti mythology that it feels obliged to hammer us over the head with it? Guess what, Show. Most of us stopped caring about the time you set Vikings in Virginia. And the rest of us gave up, once you put horses in North America, a thousand years ago. We're just here for the pretty. Anyhow, while Q is bragging about considering all the possibilities, she gets to the door but can't exit, because Silas has cast a no-exit spell that will keep her and the other inhabitants inside until sundown. It only takes a moment for Q to realize Silas has magically trapped them in the cabin, "Because I taught him the spell."
At Whitmore College, Katherine and her now empty box of hair color exit the bathroom. Caroline enters, blabbing about the Tyler breakup and leaving school. Katherine tries to cover, but it only takes seconds for Caroline to realize this isn't Elena. Katherine whines about being friendless and broke, then mocks Caroline for being ready to give up so soon. Eventually, the two agree to interrogate the bad Dr. Maxfield. Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, at...
Mossy Manse. Elena calls Stefan. Since he's in the shower, Q is more than happy to answer. The witch manipulates Elena to get her to come to Stefan, by implying they've had sex. Elena hangs up, but still she takes the bait.
Elena calls Damon to report that Stefan is with Q-Tessa. Silas decides to shit stir, and makes Damon confess that he broke Stefan's neck, "a couple of times," in order to allow Silas to tap into his telepathic powers. Elena is disgusted. Silas is amused. Poor Damon is just trying to tread water. He tells Elena to leave Stefan be. "He's already mad enough." Elena says, "It sounds like he's more mad at you. Maybe he and I can find some common ground." Then Silas tells a stupid knock knock joke about killing Mayor Interim Dad. Jeremy declares him a "dick." I blame the writers for that line, Jeremy. Can't you just imagine them, late at night in the war room, punch drunk and cracking themselves up. Look on the bright side, kid. At least it wasn't yet another reiteration of Silas and Q's history.
Back at Whitmore College, Dr. Maxfield is still acting like this subject could ever possibly be, "Subject 62,547." Right? He dictates into his recorder about how the blood film analysis shows the expected phenomenal cellular growth rate. Max lays his recorder down on the desk and looks around. It's gone when he looks back. Caroline appears out of nowhere. As the bad doctor is asking her what she's doing there, Katherine sneaks up behind him and injects him with something -- right in the neck. Ouch. We cut to the...
Cabin. Q invites Elena in. Stefan walks into the main room and tells Elena she shouldn't have walked through the door, but fails to mention the No Exit Spell, and Elena's too jealous to wonder at his wording. She apologizes about Damon snapping his neck, but Stefan's pretty sure Elena would have let it happen even if she was there, because she seems to do everything Damon wants her to. That's not actually true, Stefan. Elena does what she wants, at least now that we're rid of that regrettable sire bond.
Elena understands why Stefan is mad at her and Damon, but asks how sleeping with Tessa is going to solve anything. Wow, you're not even trying to hide your jealousy, girl. Stefan wonders who said he was sleeping with Tessa. Q admits to embellishing for effect. Elena says now that she knows Stefan isn't laboring under some "fatal attraction spell," she'll leave. The thing is, since the cabin is enchanted until sundown, she can't. Both Q and Stefan let her smash into the invisible barrier a couple of times, before Stefan adds, "Yeah, you really shouldn't have come inside."
Damon, Jeremy and Silas arrive at the New Jersey storage facility. Silas needles Damon by asking how he can handle Elena sitting at home worrying about "her doppelgänger soulmate." Being a master baiter, himself, Damon says, "It's called being secure. I'm assuming you know a little bit about that, by the way you wear your hair." Ha. He then adds, "Please don't tell me you believe in this doppelgänger prophecy crap." Silas asks what he means by crap. "Do you not notice the universe trying to mirror my love for Amara by bringing our doppelgängers together?" Damon says, "You do realize that by destroying the Other Side, that you are personally moving heaven and earth to be together. That's not fate, you idiot. It's you being a crazy person." Well played, Damon. Inside the warehouse, Damon and Jeremy are annoyed to learn that while Silas could pinpoint the anchor's location, he still has no idea what they're looking for. Silas says, "It binds the spell to a supernatural hell dimension. It's not going to look like a fricking Ikea sink." We cut to the ...
Whitmore College Lab. Maxfield still thinks Katherine is Elena, so she and Caroline keep up the ruse as they figure out how much of Maxfield's blood to drain in order to get the vervain out of his system, so that Caroline can compel him to forget she and Elena are vampires. Katherine does the honors, as it's not her, "first rodeo." Maxfield's expressions in this episode are priceless. He's far more alarmed that these two might make a mistake while draining his blood, than he is by the fact that they're both (as far as he knows) vampires. Katherine casually holds a scalpel to his throat and demands to know who else knows about them. Maxfield summons some bravado and says if they were willing to kill him, they wouldn't have gone to all this trouble, then adds, "They're onto you." Caroline asks if "they" are the Secret Society. Maxfield confirms this when he explains the Society is meeting today at Whitmore House, to suss out future candidates. They were going to invite Elena, until they started suspecting she was a vampire. Katherine says, "So all I have to do is convince them that Elena Gilbert isn't a vampire. Done." Maxfield says they'll never let her in, and a vampire can't cross the threshold. Caroline and the now human Katherine share a coy grin. We cut to the...
Warehouse. Bonnie appears to Jeremy. She is concerned about this whole spell, and reminds him that she died while bringing him back from the dead, so she's not going to count on this cockamamie plan playing out. Jeremy tells her to have some faith. "If you believe that it can work, and I believe it can work, then it will work." Okay, why is he talking like they're Snow White and Prince Charming? This kid grew up in Mystic Falls. Everyone he's ever loved is dead (and undead if you count his sister cousin). He should have less faith than -- I don't even know what -- a sneaker. He makes Bonnie say it will work, then thanks her. Bonnie tells him she'd die a hundred times over, just to have him standing there alive. He caresses her cheek and tells her that before the day is over, they'll both know what that feels like. When he walks off in search of the anchor, Bonnie looks like she knows this cockamamie plan will fail. I wonder if she still gets prophetic visions, on the other side.
Damon asks Silas why the Travelers are even interested in the anchor. Silas explains they hate him for creating the immortality spell, and they know the anchor is all that's standing between him and his soulmate. Damon winces at that, while Silas adds, "And every love story needs that one thing that keeps getting in the way -- kinda like you, Damon." Damon says while Silas might be all powerful, Damon will happily kill him if he keeps that up. Silas says Damon won't do it before he brings back Bonnie.
Q-Tessa calls Damon and tells him that since she's momentarily occupied, she needs him to kill Silas for her. Damon would love nothing better, but tells Tessa that the control freak wants to kill himself. Tessa wants it done now. When Damon is less than willing, Tess reveals that she used Elena's jealousy (of Stefan) to lure her to the cabin. She puts the whammy on Elena, who screams in pain. Stefan goes to Elena's aid and yells at Tessa to stop it. Damon can hear Elena's cries, so he tries to reason with Tessa that he needs Silas to do something, before he can kill him. Q doubts that something is more important to Damon than Elena herself, and explains how Elena is trapped in Q's cabin thanks to Silas's spell. Now, that's all true, and it's half Silas's fault that Elena is there. He made Damon confess about breaking Stefan's neck, I think in hopes that Elena would go find Q and Stefan. Since Silas wants Damon's help opposing Q, why would he ever send Q such powerful leverage? Whatever. Q says that Damon has until sundown to kill Silas, or she will kill Elena. "With a face like Amara's, it might be cathartic. Bye now!" Crowbar in hand, Damon starts smashing open crates while we go to commercial. I originally worded that "smashing into crates" and now, even though it didn't happen, I have this image of a nearly robotic Damon bumping into one crate, bouncing off of it, and bumping into another, and it's making me silly.
Katherine arrives at Whitmore House, or Whitmore Hall, or whatever it's called. The Security Guard, Diane Freeman, who was on the scene when Megan died, recognizes her as "Miss Gilbert," so Katherine wonders how they know each other. Diane reminds her. She's seems shocked that Elena is there, but Katherine plays it coy, and smiles brightly as she crosses the threshold. She sets off in search of food, while Diane stands at the door, clearly boggled.
Katherine is pigging out when Aaron (Dr. Maxfield's ward) sidles up to her -- amazed at her appetite and atrocious manners. Katherine asks if he's the sandwich police. Aaron says he's just wondering why Wes (Maxfield) told him to stay away from her. Katherine asks, "Do I know you?" Aaron is much more forthcoming with his name this week, and "reminds" her they met yesterday. "You changed your hair. It's..." Katherine covers for "Elena's" memory lapse and wastes no time asking Aaron if he's there for the secret society. When he says he has no idea what she's talking about, Katherine says he's either clueless or good at keeping secrets. Then she coughs out a tooth! That's not a euphemism. And because TVD is bound and determined to gross me out whenever possible, Katherine doesn't even cough it into a napkin. I'm a little annoyed by this scene. I get it, Katherine's appetite is voracious. I like that bit of characterization, but she was stuffing her face in a way that -- well, in a way that she's just too vain to do. And now she's spitting a tooth out into her bare hand, rather than a napkin. That's not Kiki. Even though she turns from Aaron, he can see the tooth too. When he asks about it, Katherine is too upset to answer and rushes out.
Back at the cabin, Tessa and Stefan sit on the couch, and leaf through a book, while Elena sits a ways off, on the floor. As Tessa marvels at modern foodstuffs like pineapple pizza, she notices Elena's pout and says, "Why so sad? Gluten-free?" Ha. Elena ignores the mockery and asks Tessa how she came back to This Side from the Other. Q says that while Bonnie was preoccupied with bringing back Jeremy, she just waltzed on over. Come on, Elena. I've been saying it for weeks. Performing that spell didn't kill Bonnie. It just opened a door for Q to trade Bonnie's life for her own. You're almost there, girl. You can do it. She's too sad about Bonnie to get all the way there just yet. Instead, she quietly chides Q for screwing up their plans to bring back Bonnie. "You told my boyfriend, who has never put anyone's life before mine -- including his own -- to kill Silas before he could [bring back Bonnie]. So no, I'm not sad about the pizza." Stefan is moved by Elena's story, so he tries to distract Q from any more taunting, by getting her focus back on food. He offers to cook for her. Q proposes "Roasted duck." Stefan asks if she has a duck. Q smiles. "No, but maybe I could lure one inside. I got Elena in. How much smarter could a duck be?" Hee. Elena looks away and tries to ignore them both. We cut to the...
Warehouse. Outside, Damon tells Jeremy that the cockamamie plan is off, because he can't risk Elena's life. I know Jeremy has a thing for Bonnie, but he seems a little too willing to risk the life of his sister cousin. After Damon heads back inside, Bonnie appears to Jeremy and tells him it's okay. He approaches her and it seems the few steps give him time to understand what Damon just told him, because he apologetically tells Bonnie, "She's my sister." Bonnie smiles through her tears. "Jeremy Gilbert. Do you not know me at all? Is there a part of you that thinks for one minute that I'd let one of my friends die, just so I could come back to life. I'm dead, Jer. As much as I want to come back, maybe I'm just supposed to accept that." Jeremy says they were so close to succeeding. Bonnie says, "I know we were. Now go help him kill Silas." Shouldn't Bonnie go inside too, to help keep a lookout? The Contrivance Fairy cocks and eyebrow, places a finger to her lips and shushes me.
Inside, Damon is approached by two Travelers who chant until they disable his daylight ring. Damon's flesh sizzles as we cut to commercial. After the break, he grabs the heart of one Traveler and tells them he was going to help them kill Silas. The Traveler who doesn't have Damon's hand inside his chest says, "That's the problem. We don't want him dead, yet." Damon grabs the knife of the first Traveler and throws it into the heart of the second, who collapses to the floor. Damon takes his hand out of the first Traveler who then does likewise. I don't think Damon actually removes the guy's heart, because when this show does something like that, they like us to see it all in gory detail. We cut back to the...
Lab. Caroline's in deep thought as Maxfield's blood drains out of his body. He brings her back to this galaxy, a little appalled she could space out and nearly let him bleed to death. Caroline says she just broke up with her boyfriend for good. Her heart is broken and she was taking a moment. The moment is over now, so Caroline compels Maxfield to answer her truthfully. She asks what the secret society is. Maxfield says, "It's called Augustine." He says most recruits are legacies, "But some of us are chosen for our extraordinary talents." Do you think he's really compelled? He's a little too animated (and a little too vain), right? I mean, he says his extraordinary talent is, "Being brilliant." Caroline asks why Maxfield covered up Megan's death. He says he covered it because she wasn't killed by just any vampire. "It was the Augustine Vampire." Caroline asks who that is, but by then, Diane Freeman is knocking on the door, so she doesn't get her answer. She frees Maxfield (he's been tied up this whole time) and quickly compels him to forget she and Elena are vampires. "You're lightheaded because you gave blood this morning. Forget everything that happened here." And then she's gone.
Diane enters the lab, tells Maxfield it's five o'clock and that he missed the Whitmore party. I guess he was compelled, because Maxfield is truly confused that the day got away from him. He's surprised when Diane reports that Elena strolled right into the party, so she's clearly not a vampire. "What made you so convinced she was?" Maxfield looks around as he tries to get his bearings. His behavior isn't lost on Diane, but she seems to accept, for the moment at least, his answer that he has no idea. We cut to the...
Cabin. Stefan has been cooking. He asks Q to taste his sauce. Don't be naughty. She says it's good. Elena has had enough of this flirtation. "Okay, I get it. You hate me. You may not have any memories Stefan, but I do. This person -- she's not the type of person you would like." Tessa says that isn't very nice, considering she's letting her live until sundown. She looks out the window then adds, "Oh, almost sundown," then walks across the room and calls Damon. As Q is dialing the phone, Stefan whispers low enough only for Elena's vamp hearing to pick up. He tells her he won't let Q kill her.
Meanwhile, Damon finally answers the phone and complains to Tessa about why Silas is not yet dead. "I was just ambushed by some of your inbred cousins. Any idea why Travelers who hate Silas would want to stop me from killing him?" Tessa says they probably want his blood. I don't have to recap her explanation about how his blood's now the cure, right? Damon wonders why they'd want the cure. Tessa tells him to think about it. "The Travelers aren't fans of immortality and I had to bind the Other Side to something -- something that could last forever. Something Silas couldn't destroy. [...] Two-thousand years old, immortal, indestructible. You're a quick boy, Damon, figure it out."
As Tessa ends the call, the sun sets, so Stefan knifes her in the gut, tosses her into the wall and orders Elena to run. She does, and he Stealth Salvatores right after to her. Back at the warehouse, Damon has figured out what the anchor is. As he explains to Jeremy that it's Amara, Silas is in another part of the warehouse, and has finally come upon the right crate. He opens it up to find a desiccated Amara. He drags one of the fallen Travelers to her, slices his wrist and pulls it up to Amara's mouth. Maybe she's not desiccated. She looks like she's covered in clay. Whatever. The more blood she gets, the more normal her flesh appears." Silas says, "Amara, it's me." Amara's eyes spring open.
Silas drags Amara outside. She's delirious, and tells him to go away and leave her alone, but finally he reaches her. She can't believe it's possible that he's there. He tells her, "I thought you were dead. Tessa said she killed you." Would Silas really think of her as Tessa rather than Qetsiyah, and how the hell would Amara know who he's talking about? She was in deep storage when Q changed her name. I mean, if she didn't even know Silas was alive and free, this makes no sense. Whatever. Amara does know who Silas means, tells him Q never killed her, and reminds him there was only one cure, and Q wanted it for Silas. He admits he took it. "I'm sorry. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be at peace with you." Amara smiles. "The cure runs in your veins?" Look out, Silas. He can't hear me because he's too busy proclaiming he was ready to die for Amara. As they embrace, Amara reaches behind him to grab the handy shard of glass that the prop guy left just within her reach. The Contrivance Fairy takes a bow. Amara says, "I love you, Silas," but then adds, "I'm so sorry." She plunges the glass into his neck. "I have to be cured," then sucks his blood. When she releases him, we can see that Elena truly is this woman's doppelgänger, because she doesn't wipe her mouth, either. With blood dripping down her chin, she tells the visibly woozy Silas that she can't live another day. We cut to...
Whitmore. Dr. Maxfield is working in his lab, when he goes looking for his tape recorder. It's not where he remembers leaving it, but lucky for him, Katherine chooses just that time to stroll in and toss it to him. Maxfield asks "Elena" how she got it. Katherine says it's a mystery. She listened to half before she nearly blew her brains out from boredom. She does admit to being mildly interested in subject and his unusual blood. She must have already caught up with Caroline, because she asks Maxfield if that subject is the Augustine Vampire. Maxfield tells her she should go. Katherine has other ideas and makes it clear she's not above spreading rumors about the Augustine Vampire and all the vampire experiments he's been doing, and proposes a deal. She explains that she's Katherine and Elena is her doppelgänger. She takes out her tooth and tells him, "I think I'm dying and I need you to save my life." How are 500 years not enough? Actually, now that Katherine has Nadia in her life, I can better understand, so scratch that. We cut back to the...
Warehouse. Amara is wandering around outside. She still hasn't wiped her mouth. She's too busy muttering things like, "Stop talking," and "It's not up to you," but mostly "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone." This is when Damon finds her. She stops dead and asks him, "Are you real?" Damon: "Are you?" We cut to...
Mossy Manse. Stefan returns home with Elena. She tells him that even though he has no memory, he is still himself. He says it didn't seem like she deserved to be killed by Q, so he was operating on instinct. Elena says, "Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Your instincts were always to protect me." Oh my word, Elena. Look around. Everyone's instincts are always to protect you. Now, I'll give you your due. Your instincts also make you protect the people in your life, but at this point, I hope that there's something inherent about the doppelgängers that makes people who aren't Qetsiyah want to protect all of you, because you and Katherine should both be dead a hundred times over. At any rate, Elena thanks Stefan for "...just being you." He bids her goodnight and goes up stairs.
The camera pulls back to reveal that Damon and Jeremy are already sitting in the parlor. What? They were in fricking New Jersey! We don't know where Q's cabin is, but the feeling this season is that maybe it's an hour away, right? Damon and Jeremy made it back from New Jersey (and Damon didn't find Tessa until after dark). Meanwhile, Elena and Stefan, who left just after sundown, are getting home AFTER them. Sloppy business, Show. Please have more respect for us than this. Please have more respect for yourself.
Anyhow, Damon says, "Stefan Salvatore sleeps in his own bed tonight. Does that mean he's stopped hating us, or did the power of the doppelgänger universe push him into the car with you?" Elena meanders over to the couch and curls up to Damon. "Well, he saved my life, so I'll take that as not-hate." Damon says, "Victory in a day otherwise marred by failure." He raises his bottle of booze in Jeremy's general direction. Jeremy raises his glass in return. When Elena raises an eyebrow, Jeremy says, "We couldn't get Bonnie back. I get a pass." Elena's not saying anything. Bonnie appears and tells Jeremy to tell Elena it is for the best. When he refuses, both Elena and Damon wonder what the hell he's talking about. Jeremy explains Bonnie is there, so Elena promises her invisible friend that they will not stop trying. Bonnie disappears.
Damon tells Elena that Silas is "...M.I.A. and out and about, which is pretty bad. And Amara's been cured, which is even worse, because now she's easy to kill. So the fate of the Other Side, where Bonnie currently resides, rests on the fate of a living, breathing human being we now need to protect." Elena: "We need to protect?" We cut outside. Damon opens the SUV hatch to reveal a bound and gagged Amara. "Elena, meet crazy pants. Crazy Pants, meet Elena. Despite the gag, Amara screams. Perhaps she's the Original Elena Hater.
Stefan arrives in his room to find a still wounded Q waiting for him. No, I don't know how or why she's in Mossy Manse, but this is the end of the episode, so let's just go with it. When Stefan asks what she's doing there, she doesn't answer, anyhow. Instead she moans about how awful it's been watching history repeat. I imagine it's much like listening to your frigging dialogue, Q. Stefan offers to heal her, but Q wants to keep her wound as a reminder of what he truly is. "Memories are important." She says she made a mistake when she found him, by easing his pain. "You used to have a lot of pain, remember." She raises her hand and Stefan doubles over in pain. She magically restores his memories, blahing about how he killed his own father, forced Damon to be a vampire, hated himself for a century, and then fell for Elena. Stefan asks her to stop, but Q says the ending is the best part. She reminds him of the physical agony of drowning over and over again, all summer. "The only thing keeping you sane was the hope that one day, one of the two people you loved -- they'd come rescue you. But they didn't. I did. Always remember that." Witchery over, Stefan pants. Title card.
Well, that's it for me. Just tell me -- who's the Augustine Vampire? Is it Aaron, or a Player To Be Named (who may damned well be played by either Paul Wesley or Ian Somerhalder --- I don't know which is worse).
I'll be back soon with coverage of "Death and the Maiden." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're coloring our hair and pretending we're young.