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You know how I'm always wishing the show would slow down and let moments breathe? Well, "Into the Wild" sure slows down, but it's so exposition heavy that any breathing we get is of the gasping variety. Let's break this down.
Mystic Falls. Tyler goes to Gilbert Gables to taunt the currently mystically imprisoned Klaus, who responds exactly as you would expect. When Caroline arrives, she tries to persuade Tyler to ignore Klaus and help her tidy up the joint. She starts by using one of the Gilberts' tablecloths to cover Kol's festering corpse. Okay, he was burnt to a crisp so there's no festering. I'm just in the mood to say festering corpse. Even though the corpse isn't festering, I think Care Bear owes the Gilberts a new tablecloth.
Watching his crush and his former slave cover up the festering corpse of his dead brother is too much for the emotional Klaus, who breaks down in tears. Tyler can't wait 'til the rest of the Fellowship returns with the cure so they can dose Klaus. Klaus tries to convince Tyler that if he (Klaus) is made mortal, Tyler will revert to a plain old werewolf and will once again have to transition at every full moon. Tyler thinks Klaus is wrong or lying or both, and suggests that once Klaus has been de-vamped, his bloodline hold over them will be broken, which will allow Tyler to kill Klaus in any number of creative and painful ways.
At some point, Klaus suggests that since he killed Carol and the Fellowship killed Kol, they should just call it even, but that's a no go. Eventually, Klaus stabs Caroline with a nearby thingie (maybe a lamp stand, I disremember), uses it to pull her into his mystical prison. He then bites her. Since he is part werewolf, Klaus's bite is fatal to our fair Vampire Barbie and his blood is the only cure. He orders Tyler to beg for it. Tyler does make a plea for Caroline's life and even promises his fealty, but he's not a convincing beggar. Eventually Caroline tells Tyler to take her home, because she can't even look at Klaus's stupid face anymore. Tyler complies.
With werewolf venom coursing through her veins, Caroline's suffering intensifies. Now I know we have been told that Klaus's blood is the only antidote, but I'm always frustrated that no one has ever tried Tyler's blood (or another werewolf's blood, but Tyler is the obvious candidate) to see if it too would serve. Sure, he's not an Original, but it's worth a shot. Anyhow, Tyler doesn't try. Instead, he asks Caroline to trust him and then returns her to Gilbert Gables.
Laying Caroline at Klaus's feet, Tyler says if Klaus refuses to cure her, then Klaus can watch her die. With that, Tyler leaves. Eventually, Klaus's crush gets the best of him and he cures Caroline, even though that means Tyler "wins." I never doubted for a second that it would play out any other way, so this is a little boring. I'm not sure if saving Caroline is supposed to make Klaus a more palatable suitor for her, but it does no such thing in my eyes. He's the one who bit her!
One Year Ago. Craphole Island, Down East. We watch as Shane runs through the woods and comes to a cliff. He's either being chased or simply followed by a First Nations-looking person, who has a white stripe painted across his nose and white paint (or gloves) on his hands. What is up with that?
What is up with this location shoot, too? I can't prove my disbelief is correct, but for 300 years, my family has bounced between Boston and the Maritimes, so I'm having trouble imagining an island off the Nova Scotia with landscape like that. Okay? The seaside "cliffs" in Nova Scotia are generally made of red clay, because they're just banks, not cliffs. I suppose the 200 miles distance lends plausible landscape deniability, but Show, you are set in Virginia and generally shoot in Georgia. Just make this some imaginary island near to your actual shooting location. It will go much better for my head.
Anyhow, Shane finds the opening to a cave in this cliff and enters it. Inside, he finds cave paintings which are some weird mash-up of Runes and graffiti. This leads him to a deep well. Shane peers into it and we flash forward to...
Today. Craphole Island, Down East. Off by himself, Shane whispers, "Congratulations, we made it." Meanwhile, the gang is unloading their gear from two inflatable motor boats. I know the The Vampire Diaries is still back in 2010 or so, but they did just have a Christmas episode three episodes back. The way time runs on this show, that means that within the story no more than a week or two would have passed. My point is, these characters should be way more bundled up -- at least the human ones. I've got to let this location/season stuff go, don't I? Fine, just don't blame me later when you spy the tree that still has its red leaves.
After the title card, Damon is sharpening a knife when Shane approaches so he asks the shady professor, "Couldn't they have hidden this cure in Hawaii?" I only mention that for the Lost fans, who will never not see Boone when they're looking at Ian Somerhalder on a beach. Elena and Rebekah are at each other's throats. In fact, Elena tries to stake Rebekah with the Perma-Son of White Oak stake, but Rebekah easily fends her off. What makes no sense is that she doesn't confiscate the stake. Soon, Damon and Elena are alone talking about the cure. When Elena asks Damon if he's interested in taking it, he says he doesn't want to speculate.
There's a scene of Bonnie feeling up and photographing Jeremy's tattoo and oh my word, I just realized I'd forgotten this is just the recaplet. Let's concise this up, okay? There is someone -- or some someones -- following the gang. When Jeremy is almost shot with an arrow, his assailant is axed by a player to be named later. When the gang stops for the night at some cabin, Jeremy inexplicably parks himself in a tent. In the North Atlantic. In January. I'll let this go. He is then kidnapped.
Bonnie remains at camp to do a location spell. Shane remains behind to keep Bonnie under control. Damon remains behind to keep an eye on (and torture) Shane. Bonnie's location spell turns into a forest fire. Well, it turns into a trail of fire that should turn into a forest fire, but doesn't. Nobody notices her leaving, because she is still just everyone's tool.
Somewhere in there, we learn that when Shane first visited this island, he dripped his blood into the well, which is a magical well. This gave him a vision of his late wife, Caitlyn. Caitlyn was a powerful, but undisciplined witch. When the Shanes' son Sam (Sam Shane, really?) was killed in a car accident, Caitlyn tried to resurrect him through Expression magic, and ended up dying. In Shane's vision, Caitlyn told him all about Silas, how to resurrect him and that Silas could bring back her and Sam. We also learn there are three sacrifices required to power the Silas resurrection. So far, we've had the Council and the Hybrids. What will be the third? Including Shane and Bonnie, only seven people made the trip from Mystic Falls. Will this sacrifice need twelve victims, as well? Hmm.
Stefan, Rebekah, and Elena do a crappy job of tracking Jeremy. Intent on annoying me, they use none of their super senses or abilities. After bickering with and then having her life saved by Rebekah, Elena leaves the budding lovebirds to search alone and returns to camp. She and Damon have a falling out when he admits he's afraid he'll lose her if she takes the cure and she invites him to be human with her, but he says being human sucks. Eventually, Damon takes off. In the woods, he's confronted by someone who soon snaps our Evil Pixie Monster's neck, but only after Damon realizes his assailant is, like Jeremy, a member of the Brotherhood of the Five.
Bonnie meets up with Jeremy, who is in chains and being led around by the First Nations-looking man, who happens to be Shane's spare witch. Shane meets up with them, too. Isolating Bonnie and the Germ from the pack seems to have all been a part of Shane's plan. Meanwhile, Rebekah and Stefan return to camp. They find Elena there alone and realize that Silas's tombstone is gone. When Rebekah suspects Elena of taking it, Elena swears she didn't. She then hands Rebekah the Perma-Son of White Oak stake, as a peace offering and show of good faith.
I know this recaplet is long, rambling, and doesn't really go anywhere, so that makes it just like the episode, really. I will return with the full recap, in which I hope to make sense of this all, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where we're touching Jeremy's tattoo, but only to photograph it.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!This is an odd little episode, so I'm skipping the Previouslies and getting right to it so that I don't distract myself. You ready? Okay. We open...
One Year Ago. Professor Atticus "Shady" Shane runs through the woods of what we'll later learn is a super-secret island, 200 miles off the coast of Nova Scotia. Think of it as Craphole, Down East. In the recaplet, I already remarked on the terrain and weather, so I'm going to try to avoid doing so here unless it frustrates me beyond all belief (which is not inconceivable).
A man is scrambling some ways behind Shane. This man has a white stripe painted across his nose and his hands have been dipped in white. (Or he's wearing gloves, but I think it's paint) He has long dark hair and in this funky lighting the man's skin looks darker than your average Caucasian, so I think he's supposed to be a First Nations person (in Canada, that term is preferred over Native American). I'm deciding he is, unless we learn otherwise. I want to give him a name. I don't want it to be racially icky, but I can't just keep calling him the apparently First Nations man who is some ways behind Shane, so I hereby declare him The White Hand. Please feel free to add an of Saruman if it pleases. I'll just be referring to him as WH.
It's unclear if WH is chasing Shane or merely following him. Caveat lector: despite the exposition overdose, there's a lot that is unclear in this episode. What do you think of Flashback Shane's hair? I've read comments from people who prefer it, but to me, it looks like he took the trouble to get a blow out before taking a motorized inflatable boat to an imaginary, desolate, geographically and climatically improbable island. Considering how crazy Shane is, I find that quite believable and certainly easier to swallow than things to come.
Shane makes it out of the forest and to the foot of a cliff, where he finds the opening to a cave. Inside, there's writing on the wall that -- ugh, can I just interrupt to say how much I hate the me who wrote the recaplet? This episode was hard to sum up, so when I began the recaplet, I started out by including as much detail as I might in a recap. Now I'm in a bind. I don't want to leave things out in case you didn't read the recaplet, but I don't want to repeat myself for those of you who did. Bear with me, because after Damon's "Hawaii" question it will be a lot fresher in here. Anyhow, there is writing on the cave walls. Some of it is modern. I can make out John Moredock and HELP ME, as well as Carter and then something that I believe is Runic for Kilroy was here. Shane rubs his hands on the etchings, then proceeds to the edge of a seemingly bottomless hole in the ground, which is clearly symbolic of this season's mythology mess. As Shady Shane shines his light down into it, we flash forward to the...
Present Day. Craphole Island, Down East. Shane whispers to no one in particular, except possibly the voices he undoubtedly hears in his now curly-topped head, "Congratulations, we made it." This earworms me with Barry Manilow's "Looks Like We Made It," so Shane can die bloody or in a fire or in a bloody fire any moment now, please. He turns to watch as the gang unloads their gear from the boats. Title card.
Damon, who is squatting on the beach and sharpening a knife, sees Shane and asks why the cure couldn't have been stashed in Hawaii. Yeah, I mentioned that in the recaplet, but I covered Lost, y'all. I think I'm contractually obligated to acknowledge those sorts of references. Shane exposits that they're 200 miles off the Nova Scotia mainland. I don't usually hear mainland used to describe Nova Scotia. It's not at all wrong, but Nova Scotia is a peninsula. Give it a little more climate change and it will be an island. I'm picking to pick, aren't I? That's annoying. I'm sorry. I'll stop now.
Damon exposits about Silas, then Shane offers him some sunscreen. Damon: "Is that supposed to be a joke?" Shane stares blankly, then says, "Right." This "joke" is so awkward, I spent about ten minutes pondering their brief exchange. Putting vampirism aside, I don't care what dermatologists say: You don't need sunscreen in Nova Scotia in January, especially if you're going to be spending most of your time in the woods. You're more in danger of developing a Vitamin D deficiency than a sunburn. But mostly -- look, if you're going to make the vampire/sunscreen joke, be a little creative, Shane. We're supposed to buy that Stefan is eternally 17 and Damon is somewhere in the neighborhood of being eternally 21. Both men are fine with a capital FOINE, but neither looks that young, so hang a lantern on that, Professor. Give Damon the business about how excessive use of the daywalker ring seems to be exposing him to photo-aging or something. Yeah, I know vampires insta-heal, but if Ric's ring could save him from mundane deaths just because they were brought about by supernatural beings, then I'm ready, willing and able to fanwank about the faces of our beautiful Brothers Salvatore. Just work with me, Shane. He doesn't listen.
Meanwhile, Stefan, who probably fancies himself the Jack Shephard of this piece, is tying a knot and giving Rebekah a hard time about not helping, so I immediately think of them as Shannon and Boone, which is confusing, because Damon is Boone. It's like how Jared Padalecki plays Sam (brother of Dean) on Supernatural, but he played Dean on Gilmore Girls. Okay, I've lost all but three of you, now, but you three know exactly what I mean, yes? Thank goodness. Anyhow Stefan isn't actually looking for help with knot-tying. What he wants is for Rebekah to avoid getting under Elena's skin, but it's too late. When Rebekah lists Elena's sins, Elena stops in her tracks and says, "You know I can hear you, right?" Rebekah: "You now I don't care, right?" With that, Elena Stealth Salvatores up in Rebekah's grill and tries to stake her with the Perma-Son of White Oak stake. Of course she fails and Rebekah knocks her down, but doesn't confiscate the stake. This makes not one bit of narrative sense. Contrivance Fairy: "Patience, Grasshopper. Later, you will come to understand why I enchanted Rebekah such that she doesn't take the only weapon capable of killing her and her ilk." After twittering about how Stefan likes her (Becky) again, Rebekah wiggles off. Stefan offers Elena a hand in getting up, but she's feeling petulant, so she ignores it. Stefan walks away, which is something he should do more often.
Damon teases Elena about abandoning her Team Building skills, then reminds her that Stefan only brought Becky to make Elena think he's moved on and to make Damon think he's not getting under his skin. The closed captioning disagrees with me and the Somerhalder mumbles, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Elena tries on a new outlook for size and realizes that if they just get the cure, Rebekah will be a human and much less of a threat. Damon: "Human Rebekah. Can't imagine her without fangs." This provides Elena the opportunity to ask Damon what he'll do with the cure once they've found it. Will he take it? Despite her hopeful look, all Damon says is, "I don't want to speculate." I love how all these characters assume there will be enough of the cure for anyone who wants it. I desperately hope they're wrong.
We cut to Bonnie feeling up Jeremy. Oh, she's using the cover of photographing his now visible tattoo. I'm going to ignore Jeremy's rock hard nipples and just point out that the tattoo is a pretty shitty map, isn't it? Bonnie explains the symbols to Jeremy and reiterates the Silas and Q story. When Silas decided to share his Immortality Potion with another woman, Q killed that woman and Silas was doomed to live forever without his true love. Q would have liked to kill him too, but since she couldn't, she trapped him in a cave and buried him alive.
Jeremy asks if the tattoo indicates the hunter's role in all of this. Shane, who has been listening, comes over and lays out some more exposition. Q created an immortality cure and buried it with Silas. Her hope was that he'd take it, then die and join her on the other side, but Silas wouldn't give her the satisfaction, which seems ridiculous of him. I mean, he lost his love -- wouldn't he want to join her on the other side? Maybe witches and mortals can't mingle on the other side. The witches are awfully busy, what with tormenting people like Grams and Esther Mikaelson for all eternity. Centuries later, Q's descendants created the hunters, i.e. the Brotherhood of the Five, to find, cure and kill Silas. Shane says he'll explain more on the hike. God save me.
Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus is just pouting and mourning Kol, in his mystical prison. Tyler comes over to taunt him. He can't wait 'til the Fellowship returns with the cure, so he can shove it down Klaus's throat and then kill him. Klaus says, "I'm an Original. What makes you think my entire vampire bloodline won't be cured along with me, i.e. you." Tyler thinks the cure will break the blood connection and so whatever happens to Klaus will only happen to Klaus. Tyler can't wait to kill him, he's just deciding on the method. Klaus decides to rub some salt in the wound. "I recommend drowning. There's nothing quite like the feeling of someone fighting for something as basic as human breath. And let me tell you, your mother was a fighter." Mean.
Back on Craphole East, Shane says his Satellite phone has lost its signal. This seems like an obvious lie to me. When Elena says she's creeped out, Rebekah tells her to leave, since she's useless, anyhow. "Jeremy has the spell on his body." Oh, so now it's a spell, not a map to the Bore? Whatever, Show. Rebekah continues: "Bonnie's the witch that unseals the cure. Shane is the human compass. You and I have the tombstone, which does -- God knows what -- and Elena has no point." Leading the pack, Damon turns around and says, "What about me?" Rebekah hollers back to him, "You have a nice behind." That works for Damon. Even Stefan has to grin.
There's a time cut and it's night now. Thank you for sparing me their whole hike. Shane is wearing a headlamp. No, I'm not making that up. I'm already too overwhelmed by all the exposition to do that. Here's some more: centuries after Q died, some miners were excavating a well on the island. They went mad and bled themselves dry. Legend has it that with a drop of blood, they could see their lost loved ones. Word traveled and explorers sought out the well to see if it was true. Oh man, this is so bad it's killing me. I've got to skip and sum. The well is magic, okay. Shane's wife and son died within months of each other, so he tried out the well for himself. We flash back to...
One Year Ago. Craphole. Shane's first island expedition. He cuts his hand and lets the blood drip into the well. Although he can hear Caitlyn's voice whispering his name, he can't see her, so he rappels down into the well. Whispers grow louder. The ropes fail Shane and he drops to the bottom. As he lies there in pain, Caitlyn (Camille Guaty) appears and calls him "Atty." I try to ignore that, because this guy should just not be named Atticus, okay? We flash forward to...
Craphole East, Tonight. Shane tells the fellowship that his blood let him see Caitlyn once again. Riffing off one of Shane's earlier, mundane possibilities for the visions, Damon says, "Got it. Don't eat the poisonous flowers." As the gang continues to hike, Shane stops them and sets off a booby trap, that must have been laid by Rousseau. Don't worry, Sawyer. Nobody gets caught in a net.
As soon as Shane tells everyone to stick together, Elena and Jeremy fall behind. It's like the show is trying to make us hate them. Since Jeremy is out of water, Elena offers him hers. When he rolls his eyes at the idea of a magical well, Elena says she kind of gets it. They've all lost people they'd love to see, again. As she starts walking, Jeremy stops to take a drink. Hearing a bow being drawn, he turns toward the sound. We see a man who could be WH except his hands don't seem dipped in white. He takes aim at Jeremy. Elena zoops over to her brother and knocks him to the ground. The man aims again, but before he can fire, he's attacked from behind. Elena and Jeremy run to him. He's on the ground with an axe in his back. Elena: "What the hell just happened?" Jeremy: "Somebody just saved my life." Germ, you've erased my Barry Manilow earworm and replaced it with Elton John. Thank you, Sugar Bear. Commercial.
Sidebar: So you all just saw that, right? I mean, a week or two ago, Stefan was revving up his motorcycle outside Mossy Manse so that Klaus -- who was down in the dungeon -- wouldn't overhear what Elena was saying... over the phone. And yet, this group, which includes four vampires -- one of them an Original -- never heard this man following them? Jeremy heard him first. I don't even want to finish this recap.
Shane leads the gang to a cabin. When Stefan asks, "What is this place?" Shane lays some island lore on us. Spring Breakers came and ended up dead -- completely drained of blood. Damon thinks that since someone just tried to attack them and that someone ended up with a hatchet in his back, so perhaps now is not the time to camp. Shane insists they're safer camping than hiking in the dark. Oh for crying out loud, Shane! You're with four vampires, a ridiculously amped-up witch and a mystical hunter. Damon's with me and tries to get Shane to tell him where the cure is. When Shane asks Damon how stupid he thinks he is, Damon speaks for me: "Stupid enough to raise an immortal witch, so I'd say... incredibly." Master Manipulator that we're supposed to think he is, Shane needles Damon. He's surprised he wants the cure, since he stands to lose Elena once she's human. Damon lets this get to him, which is extremely disappointing. Evil Pixie Monster, we were just on the same page. Now you're over there, ready to mope. Come back to my page. It's much more fun!
Elena overhears this, so when Damon walks off a little, Elena follows and tries to reassure him that Shane doesn't know what he's talking about. Damon figures they'll find out, tomorrow. Elena says, "Do you really think I'm going to take this cure, break the sire bond and fall out of love with you?" For Damon, the problem is that they don't know what will happen. Elena promises the cure will change so many things. "Jeremy's not going to want to kill me, anymore. We're finally going to get rid of Klaus. Bonnie's mom's not going to be a vampire. And anyone who wants to take this cure is going to have this option. [...] You, if you want it." When Damon mocks the idea that the Bore is going to be wonderful, Elena again makes her point. Her feelings for him won't change. She seals this promise with a kiss, but Damon is still uneasy.
Caroline arrives at Gilbert Gables to find that Tyler is still there, gloating. She tries to get him to stop, but Tyler plans on being present for every moment of Klaus's misery. Caroline changes the subject and sets about to tidying up the joint. When she and Tyler cover up Kol's corpse with a tablecloth, Klaus makes his booboo face and points out that since both Carol Lockwood and Kol are dead, they're even. I wish Tyler would point out he didn't kill Kol and wasn't even involved in Elena's cockamamie plan, but that's not in the script. When Klaus asks Caroline to call Bonnie and get her to free him, Caroline says she'll never help him. Klaus tries to guilt Caroline by pointing out that he freed Tyler from the pain of transitioning and he saved Caroline's life. I wait for Caroline to rebut him by mentioning that he only had to save her, because he compelled (sire-bond ordered is clunky, so I'm just going with compelled) Tyler to bite her in the first place. That's not in the script, either. What is in the script, though, is a mention of Aunt Jenna and how Klaus killed her, too. She stops herself mid-rant and says, "You are not even worth the calories I burn talking to you." That's tortured dialogue. Vampire or not, what teenaged girl is worried about burning too many calories? It's all a set-up for Klaus's line. He grabs a lamp, stabs Caroline with it and uses it to pull her into reach, then bites her neck. Letting her slump to the floor, Klaus turns to Tyler. With her blood still on his lips, he says, "Now that was definitely worth the calories." Ah well, at least no one said "epic" in that scene.
Back on Craphole East, Rebekah joins Stefan by the fire, where he is pondering the tombstone. This all but unkillable Original swears the place is haunted and she's afraid. I'm afraid of finishing this recap. I was fine after my first viewing. This wasn't my favorite episode ever, but I recognized it for what it is -- it gets all the pieces in place. It just doesn't hold up to detailed review. To be fair, Stefan points out Rebekah's relative invulnerability to her, but she just shrugs it off and asks what he'll do when Elena becomes human and wants him back. Stefan asks Rebekah why she wants it, since she's the perfect vampire. I don't know where that came from, but whatever. Rebekah's response is worth it. "It's all an act, Stefan. Being a vampire is miserable. I would give anything to be human. Normal." Stefan feels that and says that if he takes the cure, it won't be for Elena, but rather for himself.
Bonnie finds Shane in the cabin and says that thorough review of Jeremy's tattoo has failed to reveal a spell. Shane says Expression doesn't require a written spell. It's a way to access the magic already inside her, provided she wants it enough. Oh well then, tattooing it on Jeremy's comely physique is just the ticket. I mean, damn. Bonnie asks if she's supposed to trust Shane. He promises he'll be with her the whole time she's accessing the cure. Damon appears and points out that Shane didn't answer the trust question. Shane says Bonnie needs him to help her through it. He and Caitlyn lost their son Sam in a car accident. Also a witch, Caitlyn used Expression in an attempt to resurrect him, and it killed her.
Bonnie is understandably irate that Shane taught her the same magic that killed his wife. Shane brushes aside her worries. He's experienced now and can keep Expression from consuming her. Damon says, "The downside is, you've turned her into a bomb that only you can handle." Shane: "Don't you think I know how this ends? I came here to raise Silas so that he could bring back the dead, but you're never going to let that happen. The second I point to a cure, you're going to kill me. Now Bonnie has to keep me alive, so that I can keep her alive." All right, that's horrifying and manipulative, but smart. What bugs me is, why would Shane think that Silas would want to raise all the dead? He didn't raised his lover before he was trapped by Q. Later exposition will answer my question, but it won't satisfy me. Season Gore Cure Bore has turned this show's mythology into spaghetti. I can only hope Shane is wrong, like Curse Of the Sun And Moon levels of wrong.
Outside, the mortal Jeremy is sleeping alone in a tent, even though there is a cabin and even though someone already tried to kill him. This is so he can be abducted, which he is. I guess it's WH who grabs him, but the shots are so dark, I honestly don't know. Commercial.
Gilbert Gables. Tyler is trying to comfort Caroline, who is freaking out since Klaus's bite is fatal to her and his blood is the only cure. Assuring Caroline he'll fix this, Tyler turns to Klaus and asks him to save their girlfriend. Klaus says okay, opens a vein and tells Tyler to beg for it. Tyler's not really good at begging. He mostly says the right words, but he's got way too much attitude. Klaus agrees with me and tries to get Tyler to be a bit more contrite, but then decides it would pathetic of him to help the guy who announced his plan to kill him. Even when Tyler promises to be Klaus's slave again, Klaus refuses to help her. In a low voice, Caroline tells Tyler to get her out of there. "I can't even look at him." As Tyler gathers Caroline in his arms, Klaus looks on with a sad expression, but it's sort of hard to feel for him since HE CAUSED ALL THIS.
Craphole, Down East. It's daytime, before anyone in the brain trust realizes Jeremy is missing. When Damon tells everyone to split up and search, Bonnie says she'll stay behind and perform a locator spell. Shane says he'll remain behind to keep Bonnie in check and Damon decides he'll remain behind to keep an eye on Shady Shane. This leaves Elena, Rebekah and Stefan to search together. AND AGAIN, none of these super hearers heard Jeremy get snatched. I can't even...
Inside the cabin, Damon catches Shane using the Sat Phone he swore wasn't working. He accuses Shane of using the phone to contact whoever grabbed Jeremy. He's right, of course, so Shane suggest the island is just getting to Damon. Oh, Shane -- Damon's been on way weirder islands than this one. Until Damon and I see a buried hatch, a Smoke Monster or a Polar Bear (which, granted, would be a little less odd than it was in the South Pacific), we are officially unimpressed with your spooky island.
Damon gets rough with Shane. Throwing him into a chair, he demands the location of the Bore. Shane says Silas and the cure are buried below the magical well. He's never seen the crypt, but he knows it's there because Caitlyn's spirit told him. We flash back to scenes with Caitlyn's spirit and Shane. She tells him if he can set Silas free, he will help all those who helped him. She tells Shane he needs to get the spell. Back in the present, Shane links the hunter's mark and a descendant of Q (Bonnie, clearly) to the spell to free Silas. We cut to the...
Great Outdoors. Using an article of clothing, Bonnie does a locator spell to find Jeremy. When it bursts into flames, she throws it on the campfire. The flames turn into a track through the woods, but the woods fail to go up in smoke and put me out of my misery. So Bonnie, taking a page out of Buffy's book, walks through the fire and lets it burn.
Meanwhile, Stefan, Elena and Rebekah are using exactly none of their super powers to find Jeremy. Instead, the ladies are bickering. Rebekah is still bitter about that time Elena pretended to be her friend only to dagger her, "...because I'm the evil one." Elena says, "Technically, you didn't achieve evil status until you killed me." Just then, Elena triggers a trip wire. Rebekah, finally using a super power other than her hissy fit powers, stops whatever that is that would have stabbed Elena. Elena looks at her savior. I think you girls should both forget about the Salvatore boys and become friends for real. It would probably be better for all four of you, honestly. Commercial.
When Elena thanks Rebekah for saving her life, Rebekah says, "I don't care what happens to you either way, but if you're going to die it might as well be epic." Oh, that word. That word. And actually, Beckster, since this whole frigging season has been about getting a frigging cure for Elena's vampirism, if she got staked to death during this cure quest, it would be epic to me at least. Elena decides she's going to go back and check on Bonnie. Thank goodness someone is.
Back in the cabin, Damon says they've got the tombstone, the hunter and the witch. He wants to know how the dozens who died in the sacrifice tie into this spaghetti ball. Shane says the sacrifices weren't an easy pill to swallow. We flash back to him reminding Caitlyn's spirit that he's so gentle, he refused to serve a meat course at their wedding. Speaking for the audience, Shane wonders where the sense is in sacrificing people who are just going to be brought back. Caitlyn says the spell that brings her back requires a witch to channel more magic than she could from nature. Shane says he can't sacrifice innocent people, so Caitlyn touches his face and asks if he can feel it. She assures him he doesn't have to do the killing. He just has to convince someone else to do it. Oh, no blood on those hands, Lady MacBeth.
Back in the present, Damon connects the dots. I'm not going to. You're bright people -- I know you're keeping up. He knows three sacrifices are needed. The Council slaughter was one and the hybrids were the second. He wants to know what the third one is. "So, what... you brought us all out here in the middle of nowhere to complete massacre number three?" Shane says it doesn't work that way. Damon wants to know where the well is. When Shane refuses, Damon spies some rope in the corner of the cabin. We cut to...
Fortress Forbes. Caroline is really suffering now. I scream, "Try your blood, Tyler. Maybe it will heal her. It's worth a shot." He ignores me. Care Bear and Tyler each try to blame themselves for their current problems. When he mentions the hybrids, she makes a point of reminding him he freed them. "People put their faith in you, because you're a leader." The last time Carol Lockwood talked to her boy, she said the same thing. I hope to high heaven Tyler's leadership isn't beaten into us the way Elena's compassion was. Since he doesn't even think to see if his own blood will heal Caroline, I don't want him leading me. Anyhow, Tyler asks Caroline if she trusts him and we cut to...
Gilbert Gables. Tyler carries Caroline back in and lays her on the Gilbert floor. "You want to be in control, Klaus? Here. Now you get to be in control of her life. If you want her to die, fine, but then you can sit here and watch her die yourself." With that, he's out the door. Caroline looks up at Klaus. He comes to her side and drops to his knees. He can't cure her, because it would mean victory for Tyler. We cut to...
Craphole Cabin. Damon has Shane tied up now and is ready to torture the Bore location out of him. Shane goes for Damon's metaphorical jugular, mentions that the Bore will free Elena from the sire bond and suggests Damon leave and not put himself through all this. At that, Damon whacks him with... I don't know what that is, a metal pole of some kind. Shane says even if Elena's feelings for Damon are real, how can that end well? She'll be human and he's a vampire. Damon whacks him again. Shane says it's doomed. Damon isn't torturing him. He's torturing himself by finding the Bore, which could cost him Elena. When Damon points out that he could kill Shane, Shane says he can't do that without sending Bonnie off the deep end. I beg to differ. I think Bonnie is in Shane's thrall every bit as much as a compelled or sire bound person is not a free agent. Perhaps if we kill Shane, she'll be free of whatever whammy he put on her, when he hypnotized her. Let's kill Shane and call it an experiment! When Shane continues to try to psyche out Damon, Damon realizes Shane wants him gone so that he can't stop whatever Shane is planning to do with a resurrected Silas and claims he's not that easily manipulated. His actions later in the episode, maybe make him a liar. I can't decide. At any rate, Damon tells Shane the flaw in his logic: "I don't give a crap about Bonnie Bennett." The Bonnie haters squeal with delight at the shout-out.
Just as Damon is about to snap Shane's neck, Elena zoops in and throws him off. When she asks Damon what's wrong with him, Damon walks out. Shane tells her that her boyfriend is a maniac, like that's news to her or something. Speaking of maniacs, even as Elena is telling Shane to stop messing with her friends, she unties him. When she storms out of the cabin, Shane rubs his hands together and smiles. I smile too, because it's time for another commercial.
Outside, Elena tells off Damon for trying to kill Shane, when he's the only thing that is keeping Bonnie safe. "And you wonder why Bonnie hates you." Damon says, "I don't wonder, Elena, because I don't care. I don't care about her. I don't care about some lame-ass cure for vampires, either." When Elena asks how he can say that, Damon says, "I don't want you to be cured." Elena says she doesn't want to fight about this anymore, but being human isn't going to change her feelings for him. Damon indulges her and then spits back everything Shane just said to him. If she becomes human, she will age and die, while he remains a vampire. "We don't work." Elena is upset that he's pushing her away, just because things aren't easy. "That's what you do, Damon. You think that you don't deserve something, so you ruin it. I'm not going to let you pull that, this time. Take the cure with me. That's how much I know this is real. That's how certain I am that I'm going to love you even after this is all over. Take the cure. Be human with me. We can be together -- grow old together. This doesn't have to be hard anymore." Damon says, "That's not me, Elena. That's Stefan. You know, I used to miss being human, now I can't think of anything more miserable on earth." I know I've cranked a lot about this episode, but that's a great scene and a lovely bookend to Rebekah and Stefan's conversation about vampirism. With tears in her eyes, Elena watches as Damon walks off.
Sidebar: Despite the fact that the last scene is emotionally effective, Damon's departure is seemingly more plot driven than character driven. Granted, he is not above getting in a snit, but he knows Shane needs to make some third sacrifice and I just find it hard to believe that he'd leave without at least telling Elena that. Back in the early days of this show, one of the things I loved is that these characters didn't withhold critical information, the way so many TV characters do. Now this show does it all the time, too. It makes me sad. My hope is that Damon is wandering off in order to let Shane think that he manipulated him, when in fact he's wise to all Shane's shenanigans.
Rebekah and Stefan are walking through the woods when she triggers a booby trap. When Stefan saves Rebekah, she points out that the spear or arrow (this episode is so dark, my eyes hurt) wouldn't have killed her. Stefan says it's a force of habit and lets his hands linger on her waist. When he remains close enough to kiss her, Rebekah tells him not to be a tease, as Elena could be lurking nearby. Stefan asks Rebekah if she is serious about a ceasefire. Rebekah wonders why they all assume she hates Elena. When Stefan says, "You did run her off a bridge," Rebekah counters that Elena's death was necessary to save her family. Was it? If I recall correctly, Matt drugged Elena and took her out of town, while the rest of the Fellowship was actively working their plan. Elena returned to Mystic Falls (rather than choosing to see Damon before he might die). I lost that episode when my old TiVo died. I need to see it again. I would read the recap, but I'm writing this while the site is having some technical issues. Hopefully, those will be fixed by the time this is published. Anyhow, Rebekah points out that Elena was involved in both Finn and Kol's deaths. She doesn't see how the actions of the Mikaelsons are all that different from those of the Fellowship. They protect those important to them. Fair enough.
Back at camp, Elena is searching for Bonnie when Rebekah and Stefan return. She reports that Bonnie isn't there and Shane's stuff is gone. Rebekah rushes to her backpack and discovers that the tombstone -- the one Stefan swore he wasn't going to let out of his sight -- is gone. Commercial. Yay!
Gilbert Gables. Caroline continues to die. Klaus gloats even as he mourns her imminent passing. When he tells her maybe he's just pure evil and can't help himself, Caroline disagrees. She decides he's acting out because he's hurt, which means part of him is still human. I love Joseph Morgan and I love to watch Klaus with Caroline, but at the same time, I will hate if there is anything between them, but I'm interrupting their big scene. Klaus asks Caroline why she thinks that, so she says (and I hope she is lying, here) that she has caught herself wishing she could forget all the horrible things he's done. Klaus says, "But you can't, can you?" Caroline: "I know that you're in love with me and anybody capable of love is capable of being saved." When Klaus tells her she's hallucinating, Caroline says, "I guess I'll never know." Her breathing is even more labored now. When Klaus whispers her name, she is unresponsive. In what might be the most anticlimactic moment of the entire series, as the tears stream down Klaus's cheek, he bites open his vein and feeds his healing blood to Caroline.
Camp Craphole. Elena finds Rebekah looking for the tombstone. Rebekah throttles Elena and -- even though her conclusion that Elena took the tombstone is incorrect -- her dialogue is the most sensible, character-driven thing I've heard all night. Rebekah: "Like it's not bloody obvious. All you people ever do is betray me and here you go again." Stefan arrives and asks Rebekah to release Elena, insisting she couldn't have taken the stone. Rebekah: "Was any of this even real? Was it just a plot to distract me while Shane ran off with the tombstone?" Stefan: "Do you think I would do that?" Yeah, Stefan, I do. Stefan: "You think I would let some psychopath run off with the cure?" Okay, not that part, but I totally think you'd involve yourself in a ploy to distract Rebekah, because that's all you've done to her since she came on this show. He blathers on about the pain of being a vampire, but says the Bore will end his guilt and suffering. Um, Stefan? If it ends your guilt, your human alter-ego is a sociopath. Just saying.
Rebekah is convinced Stefan wasn't involved in the tombstone's disappearance, but says that doesn't mean she trusts Elena. Elena feels the weight of Rebekah's accusation and knows she deserves it. She bends down and takes the Perma-Son of White Oak Stake out of her pack and offers it to Becky as a peace offering. Contrivance Fairy: "You're welcome." Rebekah says, "Don't you get it, Elena. There is no peace. We're all screwed." Elena agrees. "Exactly, Rebekah. We are screwed. Bonnie's gone. Shane's got the tombstone. Jeremy's missing. Who knows if Damon's coming back. Us three -- right here? This is all we've got, so we're either in this together or it is over for all of us." Again she offers the stake to Rebekah, who finally accepts it. I wish there could be some hugging and learning right now, but no. We cut to the...
Woods. Jeremy's abductor has the boy in chains, as he leads him to Shane. When Shane thanks the abductor for fending off Jeremy's attacker, the abductor doesn't know what he's talking about, so Shane explains, "Jeremy was attacked by an Islander. I assumed you were his hatchet flinging guardian angel." The attacker says it wasn't him. The conversation is interrupted when Bonnie, sans flamey path, wanders up and asks how she got there and what is going on. When she says the path behind her disappeared, Shane nods towards the abductor and says, "You can thank the talents of Massack. He's a witch. Should you try to escape, he'll ensure you never find a way back." When Bonnie stares at Shane, he brightly announces, "So, the gang's all here. Silas awaits."
Meanwhile, Damon is wandering through the forest when he's struck by an arrow, because while Jeremy can pick up the sound of being followed, the vampire with super hearing cannot. When his assailant rushes at him, Damon gets the better of him. He's just about to snap the guy's neck, when he notices that he has a visible hunter's mark on his hand. "You're one of the five." This gives the assailant time to throw Damon off him. He then snaps Damon's neck. Since he's one of The Five, shouldn't he have an irresistible urge to kill Damon -- a vampire? Ah well, that's not in the script either. Title card.
I'll be back with coverage of, "Down the Rabbit Hole," the title of which confuses me, because it sounds more like an episode of my other show, Once Upon A Time, or even an episode of Lost. I'll see you, Friday morning. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where we're touching Jeremy's tattoo, but only to photograph it.