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I'm awarding 10 points and bragging rights to the first five readers who tweet me at CindyMcLennan with the origin of the "Everybody's Fancy" lyric excerpt I play with (in a transformative and totally fair use way) in this episode's blurb (see italicized portion of blurb, on the show page or home page). To be clear: I don't want the "I fancy you," quote from this episode. Get it? Got it? Good. Now let's go on with our show.
Alaric is spending a night in the hospital, to rest up as he recovers from his most recent death. Tyler is off finding himself and training his inner puppy. And Esther (Mama Original aka Eloise Fricking Hawking) is this episode's spell-caster in chief, so there's no need for Bonnie and her mother. [Eff my life. I don't even get to dress up? --Bonnie]
Nearly straight away, Rebekah tries to kill Elena. Elijah saves our girl though, and is responsible for my first 'ship switch of the night, but it will not be the last, because nearly to a person, this cast could create chemistry with the proverbial big block of concrete. Put them in formalwear, and they are hotter than the white heat of a thousand suns.
Our lovelies are in said formalwear because Esther throws a ball (the dance kind, not the spherical kind), and includes a note in Elena's invitation, saying it's time they meet. And meet they do, but only after Elena escapes Damon's watchful (and appreciative) gaze, to do so. Because Stefan no longer cares about anything except killing Klaus (okay, and Elena, but it's Facebook-complicated), Elena enlists his help to distract Damon. Stefan, being whoever or whatever Stefan is now, distracts big brother by snapping his neck.
Alone, in a room that's been enchanted to block vamponic hearing, Esther makes her case to Elena. Yes, she wants to kill Klaus, eventually, but after a thousand years of spiritual navel gazing, she says she has decided to destroy her whole, literally damned family, because they're abominations. Suddenly, I'm shipping Mama Original with Dead Bill Forbes. Anyhow, all Esther needs is a drop of Elena's precious Petrova doppelganger blood to link the Mikaelson children together. (nb. Wouldn't Rebekah's surname be Mikaelsdottir?)
Once one Original dies, they will all die. Elena gives Esther the blood, and I'm thinking that's got to be a decision that will come back to bite Elena, yeah? Esther spikes her children's champagne with the blood. They drink it. Later, Esther writes her children's names on a piece of paper. Finn is in on the plan, so he gives Mummy some of his blood. She spills it on her list, and presto change-o, her babies are linked and doomed. (Or are they?)
Meanwhile, Klaus fancies Caroline, and even shows her his etchings (!!!) but while she wears the ball gown he gives her, she gives him a good dose of truth about buying, compelling and sire-hogging people's love. When she takes her leave, she does so without the bracelet he gave her. Caroline arrives home to find a sketch of herself with a horse, complete with a note from Klaus, thanking her for her candor.
Rebekah invites Matt to the ball, so we get Pudding Pop in a tux. THANK YOU, REBEKAH! Oh, but she only has him there to kill him and tick off Elena and Care Bear. NO THANK YOU, REBEKAH! Fortunately, Becky is won over by Matt's Pudding Poppery, and abandons her plan, soon after he gives her his coat to keep her warm, even though she doesn't even get cold. I mean Matt, she's not only a vampire, she's a Viking. In Virginia.
Brother Kol, who was in on Operation Evilest, is disappointed that Becky has abandoned her TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD plan, so he goes rogue. Fortunately, by that time Damon is all riled up. He knows Elena teamed up with Stefan to evade his protection. When Damon tells her he's angry at her because he loves her, Elena tells him she thinks his love is the problem. When Damon sees Kol crushing Matt's hand, he goes ballistic, throws Kol off the balcony, and gives him a damned good thrashing. Damon, you pick the sanest times to go crazy. Thank you for saving my Pudding Pop, and for sparing the entire world my wrath. You're my favorite Evil Pixie Monster, ever.
The episode ends with Damon acting out, yet again, by hitting the sheets with Rebekah, who is more than a willing lover, because Matt wisely spurns her. Thank heaven.
There's so much more, as always. I'll cover it all, in the full weecap, which will be up ASAP. In the meantime, tweet me your lyric guesses, answer our Question of the Moment, over on the right. Also, please grade the episode up top and join us in the forum, where no one is allowed to kill my Pudding Pop. You got that?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome back, Vampire Diarists. Sure, we haven't been on hiatus or anything, but it's that time of the season where it feels like each of the seven days between new episodes takes three days to pass. "Dangerous Liaisons," is certainly an eye-pleaser of an episode, but the fandom has gone so 'splodey, I'm tempted to ditch recapping it altogether and host a group psychotherapy session. I won't, mainly because I have no clue how to do that. Be ye warned, though, my back is acting up again, so I'm switching back and forth between the narrative and dialogue formats, as suits my mood. Likewise, I float freely between calling our Original Witch things like Mama, Esther (her character name), and Eloise Fricking Hawking. Caveat lector.
We open at the hospital, where Matt and Elena exposit enough to let us know that Alaric is spending a night in the hospital, that Bonnie and Abby are okay and we shouldn't expect to see them, and that Caroline is holding up all right, in wake of her father's death. Someone (or something) is lurking in the shadows, listening to their conversation. At first, I am thrilled, because I figure Mystery Lurker must also be Mystery Attacker, which means I can tell my delusional friend, Erin, that my Pudding Pop Matt can be ruled out as a suspect, but then the scene makes me far less certain. Darn it. Speaking of the scene...
Elena: So Matt and I go out to the parking lot. He gets in his truck and drives off, before I'm barely in my car, which...what? I mean, he walked me from Caroline's house to my house, where we found Alaric dying. I killed Alaric to save him. Matt waited with me, for Alaric to come back to life. Then we must have either called an ambulance, or driven Ric to the hospital, so how did we end up with separate cars?
Matt: Right? Not to mention, please know I'm not bragging, but I'm a pretty decent guy. I can't see myself driving off and leaving Elena, of all people, alone in a dark parking lot. I'd at least wait 'til she put her car in gear, and let her exit the lot, first. Heck, considering the last time she entered Gilbert Gables, she found her housemate stabbed nearly to death, I'd probably follow her home and walk her back in, just to make sure the attacker isn't waiting for her.
Hybrid Continuity/Contrivance Demon: Muahahahahaha.
Rebekah: As soon as Matt is gone, Elena starts to back out of her parking spot, so I let her hit me and then Stealth-Salvatore out of view. When she gets out of the car to see what she's hit, I Stealth-Salvatore back up in her grill, grab her and try to bite her, because it really hurt a lot when she daggered me, plus, she totally cheated me out of going to the Homecoming dance with Pudding Pop, and that dagger RUINED my lovely red dress.
Elijah: Baby sister, you know how I feel about the Petrovas. Hands off.
Rebekah. I HATE YOU BOTH.
The morning, at Gilbert Gables, Elena appears unscathed, so at least Matt's uncharacteristic action is also inconsequential. Damon and Stefan are visiting Elena, which... what? Stefan is there? Whatever. Elena tells the boys that Esther "Eloise Fricking Hawking" Original Witch was the toy surprise in the fourth coffin. Elena reports that per Elijah, Esther wants to live in peace with everyone, including Klaus.
Damon: But she was our weapon!
Stefan: And there's goes our Klaus-leverage.
Damon: I feel so used.
Fandom: Wait 'til the end of the episode, Damon. Just sayin'...
The doorbell beckons. When Elena answers, no one is there. There's an envelope lying on the mat, addressed to her, though. It's an invitation from the "Mikaelson" family to attend a ball, that evening, at 7:00 PM. That evening? Seriously? How is she supposed to dress for that, on such short notice?
The Spirit of Mystic Falls: We have town-wide social events nearly every other week. I'm quite sure the ladies of this town will rise to the occasion. As for the gentlemen, there's a tuxedo rental shop, on the corner of Main and High Streets. It's a cash cow.
Fair enough. I'm a little chuffed that the Originals are the Mikaelson family, because I've been tempted to call them that since we learned Papa Original's name was Mikael. Mikaelson more or less follows Nordic naming traditions, although I would like to see it spelled Mikaelsson. Oh, and I'd like to hear the Beckster referred to as Rebekah Mikaelsdottir. But these are my issues. Not yours.
Damon: When Elena flips over the invite, on the back is a note to her from Esther, reading, "Elena, I think it's time we finally meet."
Over at Klaus Haus, Kol and Rebekah are getting pretty for the coming ball, when Klaus stomps in and confronts Rebekah about trying to kill his hybrid wet nurse. Kol and Elijah get a little shirty with one another before Mama Esther comes in and tells them to can it. She calls Klaus into the other room, where he promptly tattles on Becky for breaking the peace. I love how he's the worst villain of all time, and an enormous crybaby.
Mama reminds Klaus that perhaps his siblings need some time to get over the fact that he's been daggering them and stowing them in coffins, off and on, for more than a thousand years. She then encourages him to bring a date to the ball, because she has a thousand years to make up for, when it comes to interfering in her children's private lives. Klaus is all, "Aw shucks," in one breath and hostile in the , so you know, he's his usual self, but you also just know he wants to invite Vampire Barbie.
Elena: Back at my house, I tell the boys I want to meet with Esther. Damon will have none of that, even though Stefan, of all people, sides with me, and reminds Damon that Bonnie was having dreams about the coffin for a reason.
Damon: Can we go back in time to when the old Stefan cared if Elena lived or died?
Stefan: No way, bro. You smooched her last.
Elena: Enough, I'm going.
Damon: Hells to the no.
Elena: You're not THE BOSS OF ME, DAMON!
Stefan: I'll go.
Damon: Right, because you get along with the Originals, ever so well.
Recapper: Oh, Damon, honey, and you do?
Stefan: I was gonna mention... but it wasn't in the script.
Damon: I'm going and that's final.
Meanwhile, over at Fortress Forbes, Caroline checks her voicemail. She has a message from Tyler. He's so sorry about leaving and even sorrier about Bill's death. He's gonna send his inner puppy through obedience school, then scamper back home to her. He ends the message with, "I love you." Aw, Pudding Pup, come back soon.
Caroline: And while I'm deeply touched, I can't think about that right now, because someone rings my doorbell and runs away. When I open the door, I find an invitation to the Mikaelson's ball, and a gorgeously wrapped box. On the back of the invite, there's a note to me. "Save me a dance. Fondly, Klaus." I'm all like, "Seriously???" Then I open the box. There is a beautiful blue ball gown inside. Want. Want. Want! Damn.
Elena: Later, Caroline and I meet at the Grill. We're discussing the ball and the Wicked Witch, when Caroline cracks, "It's some twisted Cinderella fetish, is what it is."
Recapper: How convenient, then, that Klaus sent you a blue gown, hmm?
Elena: Caroline doesn't want to go with me, but says I should go to the ball -- with Stefan. I forget. Does she not know he forced his blood on me, tried to drive me off the bridge where my parents died, which would have meant I'd come back as a vamp, AND THAT HE THREW OUT MY CELLPHONE?!
Caroline: Also, why are you here, instead of shopping, getting your hair done, or anything else that we've been trained to do, since birth, when a formal event is imminent?
Hybrid Continuity/Contrivance Demon: Muahahahahaha, to both of you.
Caroline: Also, Elena, I totally know you made out with Damon, but I only know because Bonnie told me, not you.
Elena: Well, what with your dad dying and all...
Caroline: Not gonna fly, chica. I've read the last few recaps and you had plenty of time to tell me, before my father died, which must have been last night, so why am I at the Grill, rather than at a funeral home, making arrangements for Dad?
Rebekah: I show up and warn Caroline that Elena might stab her in the back. Elena blahs something at me, but I really don't care, so I say, "Get over it, Elena. It's not all about you."
Elena Haters: HOORAY!
Rebekah: Excuse me, I'm not done. Anyhow, then I make my way over to that cute Matt Donovan and hand him an invitation to the ball.
Caroline: Okay, I'm totally going, now. When is this shindig?
That evening, the mansion that is Klaus Haus is lit up like it's Christmas, even though, in Mystic Falls, they celebrate no holidays not mandated by the sacred Founders. It's a CULT, is what I'm saying.
Damon: I'm ribbing Carol Lockwood about rubbing elbows with the Originals, when we're interrupted by Kol Mikaelson. I'm all like, "Dude, have we met?"
Kol: And I'm all like, "Did someone say something?" Bahahahaha.
Recapper: And I'm all like, so it's not so much that Klaus redaggered you because he was afraid of you. It's more just like you're a prick.
Damon: Word. Anyhow, I only have a second to be offended, before Elena walks in and takes my breath away.
Fandom: And we only have a second to look at her, before the camera cuts back to Damon, and his expression takes our collective breath away.
Stefan: I get to Elena first, but soon, Damon comes over and tells Elena she's not supposed to be there.
Elena: You're not the BOSS OF ME, DAMON. A beat. Shall we?
Stefan: I offer Elena my right arm. She takes it. Damon offers her his left arm. She takes that, too. Dammit.
Recapper's Husband: Cindy, wouldn't you feel a little weird entering on the arms of two people?
Recapper: Maybe, but were it those two, I'd get over it, right quick.
Recapper's Husband: O rly?
Recapper: Oh, like you wouldn't be strutting around that ball, if you had two women as good looking as Stefan and Damon, on your arms? Please.
Recapper's Husband: Point.
Recapper: What I find more interesting is the boys' rings. Stefan's ring is on his right hand (he offers Elena his right arm). Damon's ring is on his left (he offers Elena his left arm). The shot strikes me, and makes me wonder if the DP or someone planned that, or if Stefan and Damon always wear their rings on those hands.
Recapper's Husband: *Snore*
Caroline: Back at my house, I rifle through my closet to find something to wear. I mean, I'm Miss Mystic Falls. It's not like I don't have gowns. I take out a one-shouldered blue number, but it's nothing like that gown in the box.
Klaus: At the ball, I spot Caroline as soon as she enters. I'm pleased she's wearing the gown I gave her, but frankly, I'd be just as happy if she walked in naked. Wait. That's not what I meant (although it's true). I'm smitten, is what I'm saying.
Caroline: I need a drink, is what I'm saying.
Pinched Nerve in Recapper's Back: Psst, Cindy, Caroline has a point, is what I'm saying.
Recapper: I know. But I'm not quite twenty minutes into this thing, is what I'm saying.
Gentle Readers: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink, is what we're saying.
Recapper's Husband: Fine. Fine. I'll make a packy run, is what I'm saying.
Recapper: God bless you, is what I'm saying.
Elena: I manage to shake both Salvatores for a second, so Finn Mikaelson introduces himself to me, points out I've brought along not one, but two uninvited guests, and makes it clear his mother wants to meet with me, alone.
Elijah IN A TUX: Hello, darlings. As if I weren't perfection, before, right? Have some champagne while I blather about some white-washed family history, then please join me, in the ballroom, for our first waltz of the evening.
Audience: We will go anywhere with you.
Elena: I see Esther making her way upstairs, but when I start to follow her, Damon gets in my face.
Damon: Don't even think about it.
Elena: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, DAMON!
Damon: It would be rude not to dance, you know.
Recapper: Will there be OMG-EYESEX, like at the Miss Mystic Falls bash?
Elena: Probably not. We're both in a mood. But I am giving Damon a little eye-foreplay, and a stifled smile, as I agree to dance. When he takes my arm in his, I roll my eyes in that, "What am I going to do about you," way.
Stefan: *Stares*
Damon: when the dance begins, I tell Elena, "You look stunning, if it isn't obvious." She nods. Her voice is soft when she thanks me.
Half the fandom: I hate her freaking gown.
Other half: I love her freaking gown.
Recapper: I'm fine with it, and Dobrev looks as lovely as ever, but I'd really like to see her in more of a color. Oh shoot me. I've just turned into everyone's grandmother. Haven't I?
Gentle Readers: We didn't want to mention, but yeah you have.
While Elena and Damon dance together, Stefan dances with the Mayor. Matt dances with Rebekah. Caroline, who is dancing with Klaus, eyes Rebekah and Pudding Pop like a hawk. Klaus expresses his condolences over Bill Forbes' death, but when Caroline is all like, "Don't. Seriously," he shifts the conversation to "more mannered subjects," like how beautiful she looks. And doesn't she just?
Caroline: He wants me to thank him for the gown, and for the bracelet he gave me, but I won't give him an inch, because this is fricking Klaus. When he compliments my dancing, I say: "Well, I've had training. I happen to be Miss Mystic Falls."
Klaus: I know.
Fandom: *Squee*
When the dance requires a change in partners, Elena ends up in Stefan's arms. She tells him she needs to speak to him, alone. How they leave the ballroom without Damon noticing is beyond me, because he's dancing with Rebekah, but he's facing in their general direction. I guess he's too busy sparring with Rebekah, offering her backhanded compliments, while letting her know he is so not okay with her trying to kill Elena. Rebekah is focused on Caroline though, who is dancing with Matt. Caroline gives Matt a ration for being at the ball with the "She-Devil." Matt gives it right back to her, for being there with Klaus. I realize I ship everyone with Caroline. I think that's true of the whole cast, though. Throw any two of them together, and all I see are hearts and ribbons. Anyhow, when Damon finally realizes Elena is nowhere in sight, we cut outside.
Elena: Stefan, you still only care about killing Klaus, and nothing else other than killing Klaus? Pregnant pause. What, am I wrong?
Stefan's Eyes: You are profoundly wrong.
Stefan: No, you're not wrong. What do you need?
Elena: Make sure I can get into that room with Esther... alone.
Stefan: You sure you can do this?
Elena: Totally. I then start to walk away, but then stop and remind Stefan about how, when we were together, he used to make me let my own decisions. After all this, at least that hasn't changed.
Everyone Who Has Been Watching Season 3: Are you kidding me? What about forcing his blood on you, before threatening to drive you off Wickery Bridge, not to mention THROWING OUT YOUR CELL PHONE, ELENA?!
Elena: Sorry. That's not in the script.
Recapper: Okay, settle down. I'd just like to point out, for future reference, that Elena then walks away from Stefan. There is no place in their on-screen conversation, in which she either suggests or agrees to Stefan distracting Damon in the manner in which Stefan will later choose.
Back inside the mansion, Rebekah and Kol have a little sibling time. She reveals she's only invited Matt to the ball, so that she can kill him, thereby pissing off Elena. Kol's all up for a little murder, mayhem and disobeying Mummy, so he's all in. I'd been inclined to like you Kol, because you could pass for Elijah's brother, but you just went on The List.
Meanwhile, Elena waits in the mansion study. Damon arrives, saying he got her text and asking what's up. Stefan then Stealth-Salvatores in, and snaps Damon's neck. Elena looks horrified, but when Stefan tells her to hurry, because Damon won't be down for long, she hustles out of the room, pausing at the doorway, only for a moment, to cringe as she looks at Damon's lifeless form, and then to nod at Stefan.
Elijah catches up with Elena as she makes her way to meet Eloise Fricking Hawking. I instantly start shipping them, (er... Elena and Elijah, that is, not Eloise) and decide he must have bought Elena her gown, and compelled a seamstress to fit it to her, because that is so not off-the-rack. Elijah tells Elena it's strange that Esther has forgiven Klaus. He's asking questions he never thought he would ask. He wants to know if he can depend on Elena to report back on her meeting with Mama. Elena assures him she can.
Eloise Fricking Hawking has "spelled" her parlor with sage, so that she and Elena can speak without fear of prying, vamponic ears. Once Mama's-boy Finn leaves them, Eloise gives Elena leave to ask questions.
Elena: I want to know if she's a ghost.
Esther: Not exactly. My witch BFF, Anyana magically preserved my Bonnie. She's Bonnie's ancestor, by the by.
Elena: Oh, I forgot all about Bonnie.
Writers: Us too.
Elena: So, Eloise Fricking Hawking, are you gonna help us kill Klaus, or what?
Esther: Patience, Grasshopper. Right now, I just need your help.
Audience: Run away, Elena. Run away!
Caroline: Outside, I'm admiring the pretty horsey, when Satan Klaus comes out and gets all flirty. I tell him I'm not talking to him, 'til he tells me why he invited me here.
Fandom: *Braces Selves*
Klaus: I fancy you.
Fandom: *FLAIL*
Klaus: You're beautiful. You're strong. You're full of light. I enjoy you.
Caroline: I'm spoken for, by Tyler. All right, I totes ended things with him, because of your freaky sire bond.
Klaus: So, not spoken for? *crickets* Anyhow, did you know horses are the opposite of people -- they're loyal. My father totally killed my favorite horse once. That's the closest he ever got to killing me.
Caroline: Did you ever talk it out with him?
Klaus: Um?
Caroline: Look, I like people and they actually like me, so I'll be inside.
Eloise Fricking Hawking: Back in my parlor, Elena and I recap the history of the Original vampires, that is, my spawn.
Elena: Look, are we going to kill Klaus or what?
Eloise Fricking Hawking: Give me a drop of your blood, or I'll take it. It's essence will be in the champagne toast, later this evening.
Elena: You people are totally gross, but um, okay, here. What could possibly go wrong?
Eloise Fricking Hawking: So, I stab her finger and juice out the blood, then tell Elena that Elijah is suspicious so he might need persuading. The spell works thusly: while Klaus can't be killed, this magic will link all my children together. If one goes, they all go.
Recapper's Husband: As a parent, may I say, "Ooh baby, been there."
Recapper's 13 Y.O. Daughter: I heard that, Daddy. Don't forget, what happened to Mikael can happen to you.
Recapper: Leave your father alone. (He still has to make that packy run.)
Meanwhile, at the ball, Kol is itching to kill Matt, so I'm itching to kill Kol. Back in the study, Damon comes to. When he flies at Stefan, who is totally being Mr. Smarmy-pants, Stefan admits Elena is with Esther, and adds, "Don't blame me, this was all her, right down to the broken neck." I did not see that on the screen, so I refuse to accept it until Elena confirms it. Anyhow, Stefan tells Damon he's a liability, because he cares too much. I flash back to season 1, when Stefan was desperate for Damon to care about anything. I refrain from slapping Stefan, because I can't afford a new TV. Damon's Evil Pixie Monster eyes dial the cray cray up to 11. We cut outside.
Rebekah: Let me lure you away from the crowd, so my prick brother Kol and I can kill you.
Matt: Sure thing, but let me get my letterman's jacket out of my truck, first. You look cold.
Rebekah. I don't get... I'm a vampire. I'm a Viking. I don't need. *Swoon* Quick, let's get you back inside, Pudding Pop.
Recapper: GOOD DAMNED THING, BECKY!!!
Elijah: Inside, I catch up with Elena and ask her what Eloise Hawking wanted with her, anyhow.
Elena: I lie that she just wanted to apologize for ordering a hit on me.
Elijah: You decide if I'm playing along, or letting myself be deluded by this pretty young thing.
Eloise Fricking Hawking: It's time for the big champagne toast. Drink up, darlings.
Everyone: *Drinks*
Fandom: Wait. I think Elijah didn't drink. He faked that drink, right? He totally faked it.
Recapper: Sorry, loves. Julie Plec has confirmed that even Elijah drank. What I'm wondering, is if everyone at the party got a little Elena Essence, or at least, if all our key players (besides the Originals) did. There's no was Esther can be on the up and up, right? I mean, she's Eloise Fricking Hawking, and I'm pretty sure blood spells are never good news.
Klaus: Come upstairs, and let me show you my etchings.
Caroline: Really? Actually, they're pretty wonderful.
Klaus: You're making me all aw-shucksy. Did I mention I have a landscape hanging at the Hermitage -- not that anyone would notice. Have you been? I'll take you anywhere. Rome. Paris. Tokyo?
Caroline: Okay, you're totally bedazzling me despite myself, so I'm going to come right back at you with a bit of truth about collecting a hybrid servant army. Stop controlling Tyler. Give him his life back.
Klaus: Time for you to leave.
Caroline: Your daddy didn't love you, so you think no one will. You compel, sire, and try to buy off people. I'm ripping off this bracelet right now, and slapping it down on the table. You don't connect with people, because you don't try to understand them. Watch me as I swan out.
Audience: *Applauds*
Klaus: Technically, shouldn't you strip off the dress, too?
Audience: *Standing ovation*
Back at the ball, Kol is bummed he and Becky didn't kill Matt. Becky lies that she didn't want to ruin her mother's night. Kol mocks her for being predictable -- softening after five seconds of attention. Rebekah tells him not to be rude -- just to leave Matt be. Kol, in a futile attempt to win me over, says, "As you wish," but he can just talk to the hand -- preferably his own.
Damon: I find Elena crossing the foyer, and ask her if she got what she wanted.
Elena: Yes.
Damon: So then, I manhandle her and tell her we're leaving.
Elena: He's totally too rough with me, so I shake him off and tell him I'm sorry for cutting him out of the plan. I don't like going behind your back, Damon, but if I hadn't, you would have tried to play the hero, and ruined everything.
Damon: Excuse me for caring if you live or die, and RESPECTING THE SANCTITY OF A TEEN GIRL'S CELL PHONE, unlike oh say, STEFAN.
Elena: Now you're mad at me for including Stefan?
Damon: No, I'm mad at you, because I love you.
Record Needle: *SCRATCH*
Elena: I'm taken aback by this, but finally say, "Well, maybe that's the problem." Then Damon dials the crazy eyes up from 11 to 22, so I add, "No. That's not what I--"
Damon: I cut her off, because message received. I care too much. I'm a liability. How ironic is that?
Elena: I want to say something, but before I can, Caroline comes up and asks where Matt is.
Recapper: Before we get to the Matt scene, I just want to say that I know this episode discouraged some of the fans who want to see Elena and Damon together. I am one of you. I wouldn't call myself a shipper, because I'm not particularly devoted, but I feel like I've already had enough of the Stefan/Elena love story, for a while. Dobrev and Somerhalder have fantastic chemistry. I want to see more than a kiss on the front porch. That said, one of the reasons why this episode doesn't make me lose heart, is that the argument Damon and Elena just had? That was totally a couple's argument. Okay, let's carry on.
Upstairs, a creepy, supernatural voice whispers Matt's name. Matt follows it out to the balcony, where he meets Kol. Kol feigns civility for a moment, and then starts crushing Matt's hand in his.
Damon: I appear in the doorway, all, "Hey, hey, hey. Easy on the hand. Guy's a quarterback.
Recapper: As I said in the recaplet, Damon picks the sanest times to go crazy, so he shoves Kol off the balcony, then jumps off it, himself, and just pummels the crap out of Kol. I love you, Damon.
Kate Linnea Welsh: The surprising part of that whole thing was that Damon knows what position Matt plays.
Recapper: Right? Anyhow. Stefan runs out, and to give him his due, he looks afraid for Damon's life as he asks him if he's crazy.
Damon: (eyes now dialed up to 33) Maybe a little. Far be it from me to cause a problem. My eyes spin up to 44, and I stagger off, smirking all the way.
Elena and the Originals (not a Motown Group, at least not yet) witness this exchange. We cut to commercial. When we return, we're at Caroline's house. She's leaving Tyler a voicemail which amounts to her saying she appreciates what he's doing, but she misses him and wishes he was back home. I bet she does, because Klaus is totally getting to her. Speaking of, there's another black, velvet jewelry case on her bed, wrapped again, in cream ribbon. When Caroline opens it, though, it does not contain the bracelet, but rather OMGPONIES! I mean. Um. It contains a sketch of Caroline, with a horse. On the bottom, where you might find an artist's signature, instead there is a note: "Thank you for your honesty. Klaus." Oh girl, you'd better run.
Back at Klaus Haus, Eloise Fricking Hawking vents to Elijah about Rebekah and Kol's behavior. Elijah promises it won't happen again and that he'll deal with them. Mama caresses his cheek. "Thank you, Elijah. I wish the others were more like you." Me too, Mama. Me, too. Elijah's face makes it obvious he's mulling this over, even as he leaves the room.
Finn passes Elijah in the doorway to their mother's parlor. Once Finn and Mama are alone, she assures him the sage still burns, so they can speak freely. Mama takes out a piece of parchment and writes her children's names in a Runic script. Finn can tell mother is a bit off kilter, and asks her if she's having second thoughts. Mama's eyes are bright. "Of course not. It's just Elijah. He's so moral." When Finn (who, according to interviews, is the same self-loathing type of vampire that his father was) tells his mother she's doing the right thing, Mama makes it clear that Finn is in on her plan. "You understand what this means, don't you? This spell I'm casting tonight, will bind you all together, as one." Finn says, "I understand. When it is time, I will be ready to die." Eloise Fricking Hawking then says they must complete the link. She rises, picks up a knife, draws it across Finn's palm, and spills his blood all over her parchment. As Mama chants in Latin, the blood spreads from name to name, as we cut to shots of each of the Original spawn. When it's done, it makes a bloody family tree. Eloise Fricking Hawking says, "The link is complete. You are one." The parchment bursts into flames, right atop that lovely table. I wait for Klaus to come in and scream about how he just finished RENOVATING, but he must be too busy drawing Caroline. And ponies.
Elena: Stefan brings me home to Gilbert Gables, even though it seems like I arrived at the ball by myself. Driving would have been pretty awkward, considering the volume of the skirt. Maybe I hired a one-way limo? It's not in the script. Stefan recaps about Esther's plan to kill of the whole family. I fret about how I had to lie right to Elijah's face.
Audience: We kind of hate you for that, Elena!
Stefan: Chill, chicky. You only signed Klaus's death sentence. The rest of them are just collateral damage.
Elena: Ain't no comfort like a Ripper comfort, 'cause a Ripper comfort don't... comfort.
Stefan: Where's your smooching partner, anyhoodle?
Elena: I'll totally call him and let him know I'm home. I'm not heartless, just conflicted.
Stefan: What's up with him going after Kol?
Recapper: Clearly, Kol's a prick.
Elena: And, well, it was Damon being self-destructive. I mean, who beats up an Original, at a house full of Originals?
Recapper: Crazy Damon does, and thank goodness for him, I say.
Matt: Word.
Recapper: Oh honey, you're not in this scene, and you should be getting X-rayed about now. Skeedaddle.
Elena: Yeah, because I was still talking. Anyhow, Stefan, I said something [to Damon] that I don't mean.
Damon and Elena Shippers Whom I Respect too much to Refer to as Delena Shippers: We can't even look at you right now, and it's only going to get worse. Ugh.
Stefan: I said something I didn't mean, too.
Recapper: Which thing -- was it where you told him it was Elena's idea to break his nibblicious neck, or when you told him he was a liability -- one who cares too much?
Stefan: I'm sorry. That's not in the script. Anyhow, see ya, E!
Elena: Stefan starts out, but I run out after him and ask if he really doesn't feel anything. I want to know how he does it, because I just can't. I feel everything.
Damon and Elena Shippers Whom I Respect too much to Refer to as Delena Shippers: You better not be feeling anything of Stefan's on the Porch of Pure Damon Love, ELENA!!!
Elena: How about if I just stand closer and closer?
Stefan: Elena stop. You think I want to be this person. I hurt you, Elena. I bit you. I hate myself for what I did to you.
Damon and Elena Shippers Whom I Respect too much to Refer to as Delena Shippers: PLUS YOU RIP PEOPLE APART AND PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER. AND YOU FORCE-FED HER YOUR BLOOD. AND YOU TERRORIZED HER ON THE BRIDGE WHERE HER PARENTS DIED!
Recapper: And?
Damon and Elena Shippers Whom I Respect too much to Refer to as Delena Shippers: RIGHT. AND YOU THREW OUT HER CELL PHONE, STEFAN!!!!!!!!!
Recapper: That's better.
Elena: I'm just going to grab Stefan's face. That doesn't count as feeling anything of Stefan's does it. Now Stefan, show that you hate what you did. Do something. Anything is better than trying to convince me that you don't care.
Stefan: I can't. If I let myself care, all I feel is pain. *walks away*
Elena watches him as he leaves, and while I don't think she looks like a spurned sweetie, or in anyway broken hearted, she does appear to be at a loss.
Meanwhile, at the Grill, Matt is swilling coffee. He rests his poor, broken right hand on the bar. Becky comes in all, "What's up?"
Matt: Let's see. I went to a dance and got my hand crushed, found out that I don't have health insurance, so I just need a minute to myself.
Rebekah: I thought maybe I'd buy you an apology drink.
Audience: How about paying his hospital bills, you twit.
Matt: No. Please, just go away.
Rebekah: Aw...
Matt: Seriously, you are fun, and pretty and OF THE DEVIL. GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!
Recapper: That's my boy. That's my good boy.
Damon walks up to Rebekah as Matt walks away. Being Damon, and being drunk, he taunts her about getting rejected by the captain of the football team, then pours them shots, as he welcomes her to adolescence.
Damon: I've had a really rough night. Can I speak my own lines here?
Recapper: Sure thing, Evil Pixie Monster.
Damon: Okay, Beckster says something about how she should have killed Matt, but her mother wouldn't let her. So I'm all: Never let people tell you what to do. Besides, you would have broken him in a second.
Rebekah: Are you suggesting I can't be gentle?
Damon: No, I'm just saying you should find someone a little more durable. That's all.
Rebekah: And who would that be?
Recapper: We cut to Mossy Manse, where Rebekah and Damon have a raunchy-for-network-TV sex scene. The first time I watched it, I was alone. The second time I watched it, I was with my daughter, who is too young to watch this stuff, even if there's no HBO-esque nudity, so I just poked fun at the expression on Rebekah's face, while my daughter wondered if it bothered Nina to see Ian film a scene like this with someone else. The third time I watched it, I was with my husband, who was all, "Our daughter watched this?" The fourth time I watched it -- is now. The scene's charms are now forever lost to me. The fast-motion that happens when vamps get it on, sort of takes me out of the moment. I'll let my friend, Elizabeth, have the final words on that little rendezvous.
Elizabeth: Damon has a very, very specific type, doesn't he? And that type is Stefan's.
Recapper: What? And she's wrong?
Armchair Fandom Psychology: Some polite, articulate, accommodating Damon and Elena shippers talked to me for quite a while, on Friday, about this episode. It seems plenty of Damon and Elena shippers have lost heart. You know what, I don't even want to use the term "shippers" here, because so often, it's used as a way to denigrate fan opinion. And I know I'm guilty of that too (although I am usually trying to laugh with you, not at you). I'm going, instead, with the term E/D fans, which is my shorthand for fans would are interested in seeing Elena and Damon give romance a go. Some E/D fans may well care more about the romance between Damon and Elena, than they do about any other part of the show. Others may just want to enjoy it for a little while, but brace themselves for an eventual breakup. I don't know. I don't care, either, except to say I'd be part of the second group.
Similarly, I'm going to avoid talking about being "in love," because I think the term is foggy enough, that it clouds this discussion. Also, I think that, at age 18, there are few who understand what being "in love" really means. Suffice it to say that Elena loves Stefan and Damon both, the way you would a dear friend, or family member. Also, can we please agree, for the sake of discussion, that, additionally, she is sexually attracted to them both, regardless of whether she is happy about it? Good. Thank you for indulging me. Granted, I acknowledge, Elena was once more happily into a romance with Stefan than she's yet been about a romance with Damon. I'm not trying to suggest otherwise.
I love this ridiculously pretty cast and I think Dobrev and Somerhalder have great chemistry. I like the growth I've seen in Damon, particularly since the end of season 2. And, I'm not afraid to admit it. I like a little monster in my man. Right now, in Elena, I see this painfully young, young woman, who has lost nearly everyone. Her best role model is her alcoholic history teacher who is crashing at her house. She and Stefan have had a horrific breakup. It was instigated by outside forces (Klaus), but completed when Stefan wouldn't even try to come back to her. Throughout Stefan's absence, Damon has been Elena's stalwart.
Elena has been consciously attracted to Damon since at least the time of the Miss Mystic Falls dance. She was devoted to Stefan, but she was not immune to Damon's charms, and who would be? During Stefan's absence, Damon grew stronger, saner, and ever more dependable. And while he didn't throw himself at her, he has made it patently clear he is deeply in love with her. Oops. I used the "in love" term. Well, okay, I mostly want to avoid it when assessing Elena's feelings; that's where I find it the cloudiest, because it's clear (to me) she has feelings for both brothers.
Elena's not stupid, you know? She tried romance with one vampire, a seemingly good one, only to watch it go all to hell. Now here she is, developing deeper feelings for Damon, but she knows what he was when he first came to town. She knows of (some of) his kills. She knows how mercurial he can be. I mean, he killed Jeremy, for pity's sake. She also is painfully aware that he is the brother for whom Stefan sacrificed their love, and his own character, if not technically his own life. She is struggling with, in my opinion, whether it is wise to get involved with Damon, and, whether getting involved with Damon would be the ultimate betrayal. Were Damon the more patient type, Elena might be content to let the question of their romance simmer on the back-burner, for years to come. And? I don't blame her. She is 18.
Now, one E/D fan said that she feels, that in the porch scene between Elena and Stefan, Elena lost a lot of the growth she earned this season. That wasn't my opinion after watching once, but each time I've watched that scene since, I've cringed for Elena. I think my friend is right about that. It is sad to see Elena so desperately seeking an emotional response from Stefan. But I'm still not sure Elena is doing so, as a romantic partner, so much as she is pulling out all the stops, to try to break through to Stefan's better angels. Have you ever gone out for dinner or drinks, alone, with a recent ex? Even when you know, intellectually, that you don't want to get back together with the ex, it can be difficult not to treat and talk to that ex as if he/she is still your sweetheart. That's how you're used to *being* when you're together. You have to learn a whole new way to be. It takes time, and distance.
Another fan said that she just wishes Elena would stop stringing along both brothers. I don't think she is stringing along either brother. I see no evidence of that, at all, so I don't know how to engage with that comment.
Yet another fan feels that the writers were "mocking" E/D fans, by having Rebekah refer to Damon as a "caveman" while the two danced. Apparently, some devoted E/D fans got "Caveman and Warrior Princess" to trend, worldwide, on Twitter, and the writers knew this. I cover this show in such depth, that I'm a little concerned (for my health) that I don't remember Elena and Damon referring to each other as a caveman and a warrior princess. I accept and believe that it happened. It just didn't stick with me. When I watched this episode for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, Rebekah's "caveman" quip did stick out at me. It seems shoved in. So, to this fan, what I want to say is, I don't think the writers were trying to mock you. I've been in this online fandom business for nearly 15 years. I've had contact with showrunners and writers for most of those years. It is common for writers to pluck out a phrase or nickname that means one thing to the fans, and use it in another way, in an episode. It's not mocking. It's a shout-out. Sometimes, it's also a playful nudge, but believe me, the writers know the passionate fans are the ones who keep their show alive. They may hate it when they're getting death threats (!!!) and insults, and just rude commentary, but they also love that they're creating something that touches you so -- that reaches you, and ignites your fire.
I disagree with those E/D fans who have said to me that there has been no progress in the E/D relationship, and no growth, where Elena's feelings for Damon are concerned. Seriously, I want to ask if you're watching another show, but that would come off as a sneer, and I don't mean it as one. Elena's trust in Damon has grown exponentially. She accepts him plopping himself down in her bed for the night. When he kisses her, she kisses him back. When she confesses the kiss to Stefan, she doesn't place the blame on Damon, for initiating it. She owns her participation in the kiss. "I kissed Damon."
Elena cut Damon out of her plans in "Dangerous Liaisons," not because she didn't trust him, but because once she trusted him enough to tell him what she wanted to do, he acted as though he had the right and the ability to remove her agency. He acted like he could tell her, "No." He didn't even try to reason with her, or come up with a compromise. He took her invitation and said, "I'm going." That never works well, when dealing with Elena Gilbert, and Damon Salvatore, who forced his own blood on her, less than a year ago (even in show-time), damned well knows it. Elena was defiant. And I don't blame her. Now, I don't necessarily think she was wise, but neither was Damon wise in his response to her plan. And yes, I know Stefan went off the reservation, at the end of last season. I'm not comparing Damon to Stefan, here. I'm only looking at Damon and Elena's relationship. Stefan RIPS PEOPLE APART AND PUTS THEM BACK TOGETHER. Believe you, me, if I start thinking there is any imminent danger of a Stefan and Elena reunion, without some serious redemption and atonement from Stefan I will be shouting from the highest rooftops, and would be, even if Damon had never been on the show.
So, why do I think that this episode in no way spells the end for E/D? Well, I think it, because there's so much milk in that cow, and the writers haven't even filled up one cup, yet. If you had this dynamic pairing on your hand, would you kill it in the manger? Of course not. You would milk that sucker for all it's worth. I'm not pretending to know who is end game (although, since episode one, my bet would have been, and I'm sorry, Stefan and Elena). But this is a story about a love triangle. We haven't even gotten to see this third side, yet. Why in the world would the writers kill it off, before exploring it? Do I think you're going to end up with a white picket fence? No, I don't. Do I expect to go on a helluva Elena/Damon ride? I'd bet folding money on that.
I have a lot more to say, but my back and my deadline insist it's time to wrap it up, so I'll leave you with this, which I've said before. I hope, my dear readers, when you are incensed (righteously, or not), that you keep your criticism to the story and the execution, thereof. Please don't abuse each other, or the cast and crew, who have been so wonderfully accessible to us all.
I will be back, Friday morning, with my recaplet of the episode, "All My Children." In the meantime, please answer our Question of the Moment, over on the right. Also, please grade the episode up top and join us in the forum, where no one is allowed to kill my Pudding Pop. You got that?