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We pick up right where we left off last May. Vampress Katherine Pierce has just snookered the Gilbert family (and gentlevamp caller Damon Salvatore) into believing she's Miss Elena Gilbert. When the real Elena arrives at Gilbert Gables, she finds Uncle John sans a couple of digits, bleeding out on the kitchen floor. Upstairs, Jeremy Gilbert lies seemingly unconscious, dead or undead on his bed. Meanwhile, across town, car crash victim Caroline Forbes is fighting for her life at the local hospital.
Jeremy is still alive and human, and predicatably, he's all emo about it. Caroline's position is far more precarious, until Bonnie orders Damon to give Caroline some of his blood. Bonnie's all badass now, so Damon complies, despite Elena's objections. He soon figures it out it was not the fair Elena who kissed him, but rather the foul Katherine, and while he talks a good game about staking and beheading her, once he faces off with Katherine all alone, he cannot resist her. Unforunately for him and the rest of Mystic Falls, Katherine makes no bones about the fact that she has only ever really wanted Stefan (who makes it clear he hates her evil guts).
When things go to hell, like they will, Katherine visits Caroline in the hospital, gives her a "bring it" message for the Brothers Salvatore, then smothers Caroline with a pillow. WHAT?! I freak out until I remember Elena's objections to healing Caroline with vampire blood. Caroline must now be the newest member of the fang gang -- yes? Oh no, this cannot bode well for anyone, most especially her boyfriend (my Pudding Pop) Matt Donovan, who has been keeping vigil at Caroline's bedside.
Back at Gilbert Gables, Elena tries to have a heart to heart with Damon, but when she, too, says it will always, only and ever be Stefan for her, he tries to win her over by snapping her little brother's neck, as vampires are wont to do. Luckily, Jeremy is wearing the Gilbert family ring that protects him from supernatural death. This is where the mythology gets a little fuzzy. I will hit that in detail, in the full weecap. Anyhow, Elena now hates Damon, and Damon hates everyone, most especially himself, his brother and his brother's girlfriends. This is going to be completely and totally awesome.
In other news, Stefan has laid down the law with Uncle Snark Daddy and orders him to leave town. The delectible Mason Lockwood (Taylor Kinney) arrives for his Mayor-brother's funeral and gives nephew Tyler a semi-cryptic spiel about the Lockwood family curse, and the audience even more eye candy to ogle. What an embarrassment of riches, babies.
Why it gets an A-: The pacing is A+; I dearly appreciate that the premiere picked up right where the finale left off. The plotting gets a solid A, and the mythology (particularly the ring thing) is getting an B for the nonce. Damon's inner struggle is the meat of this episode, and it puts filet mignon to shame. I'm struck by how well his duelling natures are personified in Katherine and Elena. Were I wearing a hat, I'd tip it in Ms. Nina Dobrev's direction, for her nuanced portrayal of these two very different characters. Sharp, sharp work.
I'll catch you on the flip side with the full weecap. In the meantime, come on over to the forums. Katherine hasn't been invited in yet, so it's as safe as houses.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome back, everyone! There's nothing like a cliffhanger to slow a long, hot, humid summer down to a sweaty crawl, but it's September now, so I'm releasing the edge from my grasp, confident I'm about to dive into something deep, cool and refreshing. I know some of you are new to the show or only caught part of last season, so how about a fairly thorough...
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: For over a century, noble vampire Stefan Salvatore lived in secret, but now he's taking a flying leap into the sunshine of orphan Elena Gilbert's love. It's complicated, but not in the awkward Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin sexy fun-time way. It's complicated because Stefan's equally fangy brother, Damon, is a beautiful but oh-so-evil Evil Pixie Monster, who indiscriminately wields the power of the Eye Thing, and tends to go for Stefan's kind of girl. Long ago and far away, the dashing Brothers Salvatore were two sides of a love triangle concocted and completed by their eventual siress Katherine Pierce. And? Elena looks just like her. You say that's on account of Nina Dobrev playing both characters, I say it's magic, but let's not quibble. Back in 1864, Katherine compelled Stefan to love her, but Damon was that bitchy love's bitch of his own volition. It ended badly, as these things do, so I won't dwell.
Nowadays, Matt "Pudding Pop" Donovan is hung up on his childhood sweetheart Elena, but since she's all about Stefan, Matt deals in a healthy way, by getting involved with the lovely but insecure Caroline Forbes, whose mother, Liz, is Mystic Falls' sheriff. Elena's best friend, Bonnie Bennett, is a witch whose hobbies include pretending to deactivate a vampire-disabling device (the Gilbert Gizmo), while actually doing nothing of the kind. There's this whole big vampire ensnarement and massacre thing at the Founders' Day shindig that ends with Bonnie relenting and allowing/enabling Stefan to save his brother from a fiery death. Damon knows that Bonnie chose mercy only for Elena's sake, and therefore deduces that he is important to Elena -- with whom he is smitten, regardless (or because) of the fact that she is his brother's woman. So, when Damon goes to thank Elena for his life, they TOTALLY MAKE OUT. Judgy Guardian Aunt Jenna catches them in the clinch and RUINS EVERYTHING by bringing Elena inside Gilbert Gables. Once Jenna is off screen, we learn that the Damon-kissing-Elena isn't actually Elena at all. Oh no, she's dead-ringer KATHERINE PIERCE. Katherine enters the kitchen, cuts off John "Uncle Snark Daddy" Gilbert's fingers (including the one that bears his gaudy but mystical protect-o-ring), knifes him in the gut, and leaves us hanging for an entire summer, just as the real Elena arrives home.
Also of note: Elena finds out she is adopted. Her bio-mom, Isobel (history teacher Alaric Saltzman's erstwhile wife), became a vampire years ago, at the fangs of none other than Damon. But Elena's bio-dad? He's the real kicker. He's her adoptive father's brother John, which might mean Elena is her own grandpa. Additionally, Jeremy's vamp-girl, Anna, tries to out-doom doomed lovers Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, by giving Jeremy an actual vial of her blood, in case he yearns for immortality without all the complicated theology such things often entail. After Anna is staked by John Gilbert, Jeremy decides to turn himself into a vampire so he can shut off his pain. He guzzles Anna's blood, swallows a fistful of painkillers, snuggles down on his bed, displays a previously hidden bodacious bicep and drifts off -- perhaps to heaven, perhaps to hell, perhaps just to dreamland. Elsewhere, non-vamp Tyler Lockwood is disabled by the Gilbert Gizmo, while driving Pudding Pop and Caroline home from the Founders' Festivities/vamp massacre. Ty crashes his car and is rendered unconscious. While an EMT examines him, he is startled by Ty's distinctly lupine eyeball. But as young Lockwood regains consciousness, Caroline collapses on the pavement. If you don't know about all that, but wish you did, read my "weecap" of the season 1 finale, because this Previously ends now.
NOW: We get a slightly different take on John's kitchen encounter with Katherine-As-Elena, including new exposition from Katherine informing us that Jenna has gone to the fire department to fill out a report about the Vampo Inferno in the basement of the late Dr. Gilbert's building, but whatevs. What I really want to point out is the package of "Snack Pack" pudding in the fridge, which I totally missed last season and am totally pretending is a pudding-y shout-out to me, because I'm needy like that. True, it actually looks like it's in the freezer, which you might say makes no sense, but I say that makes it even more Pudding Poppy, so hush. (I ♥ you pudding planters. E me!)
Anyhow, when Actual-Elena arrives at Gilbert Gables, she finds Uncle Snark Daddy bleeding out on the kitchen floor. As Elena calls 9-1-1, Katherine zips around the house at vamp-speed (we call this the Stealth Salvatore), allowing only John to see her. Elena, aware that evil is afoot (and afinger), picks up the bloody knife that Katherine used on John and goes to investigate. When Katherine finally Stealth Salvatores right out the door, Elena realizes John's attacker is a vampire. She screams out her brother Jeremy's name as she rushes upstairs to find him lying lifeless in bed. She shakes him and pleads with him to wake up until he finally does -- with a big GASP and a new little title card.
As EMTs wheel John out on a stretcher, Stefan arrives at Gilbert Gables. A deputy lets him in without questioning him, just because Elena says he's okay. See babies, in TV Land, just like in real life, boyfriends never ever commit violence against their girlfriends and families. EXCEPT FOR WHEN THEY DO. I mean, you and I know Stefan is innocent, and Elena knows in a gut-way that he is, but the cops? Stefan is the first guy they'd have down the station for a little talk. AMIRITE? Well not here, so put that out of your mind. Stefan follows Elena up to Jeremy's room, where he examines the lad and determines he's not a vampire, even though last season we learned that the vampires in this 'verse cannot sense other vampires. Okay, one might argue that maybe they can sense humans, but that only works until you take it a step further. If these vamps can sense humans, shouldn't they be able to sense vampires by process of elimination? I greatly appreciate that these vampires aren't as powerful as say Twilight vampires. Cripes, you have to rip up those buggers, burn all the pieces, and do the Hokey Pokey around their ashes backwards, before they even think about dying. But there are some features that ought to come standard on the vamp model, if you ask me -- which granted -- you didn't, and species differentiation should be one of them.
Anyhow, Stefan exposits that since Germ didn't gobble down enough pain killers to actually end his life, Anna's blood healed him of the overdose. Jeremy's disappointment in his persistent humanity horrifies Elena and angers Stefan. After the Germ reveals that Anna is dead, Stefan roughs him up a little (including a keen little face slap), but only in order to point out that Anna's blood is leaving his system with every passing moment. If he tries to turn himself again, he may just die, instead. When Elena must depart for the hospital, Stefan offers to remain at Gilbert Gables with the Germ, who comes over all indignant: "I don't need a babysitter." Wah. Elena raises her eyebrows at her suicidal/vamp-wannabe sibling. "Yes. You do." So say we all.
Hospital: Matt is keeping vigil in a lonely hallway, while Caroline fights for her life in surgery. When Bonnie arrives and asks what happened, Matt explains that as Tyler was driving them home he complained about a noise only he could hear, fell prey to an insta-migraine, and lost control of the car. Bonnie looks stricken as it dawns on her that her Gilbert Gizmo disarming charade is to blame for Caroline's critical condition. And I love you Bon, but you deserve that leaden lump you're feeling in your tiny tummy.
Meanwhile, Damon finds Liz "She's the Sheriff" Forbes in another hallway and asks after Caroline. Voice wavering, she asks for Damon's help and tells him about Mayor Lockwood's death (because she doesn't know Damon witnessed the event). He plays dumb and asks if the Mayor was a vampire. Liz says he couldn't have been, and she knows Carol "Mama Mulva" Lockwood is going to want answers, but Liz can't deal unless and until Caroline is okay. When she dissolves into tears, Damon comforts her in his arms, inspiring the audience to master the skill of crying on cue. Sniff.
When Elena arrives at the hospital, Damon lurks around the corner, as Bonnie tells her Caroline might not make it. Once Elena asks Bonnie to magically heal their friend, Damon delurks, both to mock Bonnie's inability to help, and to remind Elena that he's man enough for that and any job. A dose of his blood will have Caroline up and at 'em in no time. He insists it's a low-risk endeavor. Caroline will remain safely ensconced in the hospital for a while, so there's little chance of her dying and becoming a vampire before his blood works its way out of his system. Elena is not willing to take that chance, but Bonnie -- spurred on by guilt -- orders him to do it. Damon may pine for Elena, but he's scared of Bonnie, so he proposes a face and hide-saving bargain: if he heals Caroline, he and Bonnie will call a truce. Bonnie scoffs as she refuses, adding, "But you'll do it anyway." She smirks, and then: "For Elena." Neener neener neener.
Once Bonnie struts off, Damon tells Elena they should talk about "what happened" tonight. Elena says, "Yeah, one of the tomb vampires got in the house and almost killed John." Damon had been referring to their smoochies, so now he's just confused. "What are you talking about? After I left?" Since Elena never saw him, she seizes the confusion baton, because she has no idea what he's going on about. Damon rolls his eyes at her, assuming she's playing obtuse, and finally spells it out: "Come on, we kissed, Elena!" Elena closes her eyes and whatevers him. When she starts to leave, he grabs her by the wrist. "Hey, if you want to forget it happened? Fine. But I can't."
Just then, Jenna shows up. After a passing glare at Damon, she asks Elena about John. When Elena demands to know where she's been, Jenna says, "At the fire department. I had to fill out a report. I told you, earlier." With the audience serving as her backup singers, Elena says, "No you didn't," because last season, Jenna said no such thing. However, since we didn't see anything that rules it out, and Katherine-As-Elena mentioned it at the top of this episode, the writers have covered their bases well enough for me to let it go. The point isn't that we don't remember the convo, it's that Elena doesn't, because Jenna actually had it with Katherine. While aunt and niece do a No You Didn't/Yes I Did duet, Damon's eyes grow wide and he lets out something between an oh and an ugh. When that doesn't net him enough attention from the ladies, he adds, "Mmm, you've gotta be kidding me." As he turns, we cut to...
Gilbert Gables: How Jeremy sleeps with a sullen Stefan pacing around him I do not know, but it doesn't last long. When Stefan hears someone enter the house, he runs downstairs to find Katherine-As-Elena, and seemingly accepts her as Elena, at least until he takes her in his arms. With a growl, he vamps out and dips her, before tossing her across the room. Only then does he hiss "Katherine." Older and stronger, she comes right back at him. "At least I fooled one of you." They thrust each other from wall to wall until Stefan is distracted by the sound of someone approaching the front door. This allows Katherine to twist his arm 'til he's down on the floor in pain. She then Stealth Salvatores her way out of there, just before Damon and the real Elena enter. Seeing her boyfriend on the floor, Elena asks what happened. Stefan's at a loss for words, but his big brother isn't. "Katherine happened." Oh, yes she did. Commercial.
In the course of conversation, Damon reveals not just that Katherine tricked him into thinking she was Elena, but also that he kissed her -- while thinking she was Elena. I want to kiss him and the writers for not drawing the secret of the kiss through a half season of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and obfuscation. Set up/reveal. Set up/reveal. Set up/reveal. I love you so much. Anyhow, Stefan is ready to tear Damon to shreds, until Elena points out that since he didn't kiss the real her, it's no harm, no foul. They have to figure what Katherine is up to, so the Jealousy Olympics are being postponed. (Damn it.) A still currently enshirted Stefan promises Damon they'll revisit the issue -- later. YAY! Damon snarls and nods in agreement. YAY! Elena ignores their testosterone poisoning and points out that the logical step involves asking John why Katherine tried to kill him. While Stefan and Elena plan to go to the hospital, Damon has other ideas. "I'm just going to ignore the bitch. [...] If Katherine thinks she's being ignored it'll lure her out. She'll make a move." Stefan asks, "And then what?" Damon: "Stake her. Rip her head off. Something poetic. We'll see."
Daytime; Hospital: Bonnie finds Matt, who leads her to a strong, healthy Caroline who -- surprise surprise -- is watching Jersey Shore. While Matt kisses his girl, guilt and relief swim in Bonnie's eyes as she fights back grateful tears. It's all very touching and I Love You Guys and mercifully short.
Lockwood Mansion: the townsfolk gather at the Lockwoods' to offer comfort by swilling the new widow's vino, which seems like an odd thing to do prior to the wake and funeral. I mean bringing the grieving a meal or whatnot? Traditional consideration. Remaining for an impromptu cocktail party? Not so much. Carol is demanding answers about her husband's demise and Liz's deputies' part in it, and is as surprised as she is offended when Liz explains that the Mayor was disabled by the Gilbert Gizmo, which seems weird, because Carol was with the Mayor when he succumbed to the device. If I'm not misremembering, she's the one who told Liz about it, right? No matter. Damon uses his masculine wiles to calm his favorite cougars and encourage them to stick together and trust each other.
Meanwhile, Tyler is on front door duty and watches with interest as a big black truck pulls up in front of the house. I watch with acute interest, once I get a gander at the driver. Mason Lockwood slides out from behind the wheel and oh my. The late mayor's younger, black-sheep brother is played by Trauma's Taylor Kinney. I'll pause while you give the casting director a much deserved standing ovation. You're welcome. Anyhow, Brick House (They named him "Mason," how could I resist?) can't believe how Tyler's grown, and Tyler's prickly with him at first, but then they hug, and I think they warm up to each other, but maybe that's just me.
Hospital: Stefan and Elena visit John, not because they care about him, just because they want some Katherine intel, but all John has is a lot of fear, a lot of pain, and a lot of attitude. He softens a little when Elena places his protect-o-ring in his good hand, but is loath to help Stefan in any way, so Stefan pointedly suggests John confide in his niece-daughter. Down, but not out of snark, John says, "My daughter should have driven a stake through your heart by now," then explains to Elena that he never spoke directly to Katherine; Isobel always ran interference. He turns back to Stefan. "So either kill me or get out, because I can't stand the sight of you with my daughter." Elena shakes her head. Her voice is low and raspy. "You see the world with such hatred. It's gonna get you killed." After she stomps off, Stefan stops pussyfooting around. He pounces on John, grabs him by the throat, force-feeds him his blood and tells him to leave town in the 24 hours, before the blood passes out of his system, or Stefan will turn him into that which he most hates -- a vampire. Gah, Stefan gives great low-key scary. I will not lick Paul Wesley's arms. I will not. I will not. I will not.
Lockwood Mansion: Liz tells Damon about Mason "Brick House" Lockwood, who is chatting up Mama Mulva. Brick House is not on the Council, he's not an ass, he's not a believer, he's just preoccupied with finding the perfect wave. Meanwhile, Tyler welcomes a black-jeggings wearing Katherine to his home. "Hey Elena, thanks for coming. Come on in." Katherine-As-Elena takes her damned sweet time crossing the threshold, savoring the moment. Commercial.
As Stefan and Elena exit the hospital, Elena mentions having to pick up Jenna and Jeremy to go by the Lockwoods' house, and then asks Stefan how he left things with her Uncle Snark Daddy. When Stefan admits to threatening John into leaving town, Elena says, "Good." I doubt she'd say the same thing if she knew her boyfriend fed his own blood to her bio-dad, but who can tell with kids these days. Stefan's off to find Damon. Elena begs him not to fight with his brother. She reminds him that Katherine's already messing with their heads and Damon isn't stable when it comes to Ms. Pierce. Stefan nods in agreement and we cut to...
Lockwood Mansion: Bonnie follows Damon to the buffet table and they wonder why the Gilbert Gizmo affected Tyler and his late father, but mostly they snark at each other. Raise your hand if you think they're so going to do it. Yeah, me too. Before they part ways, Bonnie inflicts Damon with a brief migraine, then smirks out an apology and saunters off.
She walks up to Katherine-As-Elena and starts venting about the Evil Pixie Monster. Katherine-As-Elena plays it just right, and apologizes for Damon's hateful ways. Bonnie relaxes into a smile and grasps KAE's arm, when whoosh, she's overcome with vibe-age, much like she was the first time she touched Stefan. She tries to cover her reaction and begs off in order to find Tyler and pay her respects.
Bonnie makes her way to an empty parlor and calls Elena, asking where she is. Cut to Elena, Germ and Jenna at the Gables, just getting into the car. Elena says she'll be there in five minutes and hangs up before Bonnie can say anything. After putting away her phone, Bonnie turns to find Katherine looming behind her. "We haven't officially met. I'm Katherine." Commercial.
After the break, Katherine makes it clear to Bonnie that she knows all about her, the most delicious Matt, Caroline, Elena and crew, thanks to Isobel. Bonnie tries to inflict a migraine on Katherine, but she throws it right off. "I've been around a long time, Bonnie. You're going to have to do better than that." She grabs Bonnie by the throat, shoves her against the wall, vamps out and snarls. Bonnie telekinetically throws open the parlor doors which impresses Katherine. And then, Stefan shows up and orders Katherine off. She submits and leads him through the cocktail wake, snagging a glass of wine on her way. When Matt approaches them, Katherine shows him just how good she is at mimicking Elena. Once Matt moves on, Katherine plays with Stefan's head by raving about Matt's beautiful blue eyes and taunting him about Damon kissing Her-As-Elena. When Stefan tells her to knock it off, Katherine says they shouldn't have a couple's fight in front of all his friends and invites him for a walk. Stefan just wants to know why she's there. Katherine says maybe she missed him. He wants to know her game so he'll know what rules to play by. Katherine smiles. "No rules, Stefan. Don't you remember? No rules." She walks off and beckons him to follow her outside. He does, but then brushes past her. Sneering, Katherine follows him.
Jeremy, Elena and Aunt Jenna arrive, planning to drop off their food, pay their respects quickly and leave the cocktail wake. When Elena spots Damon, she tells her family to go ahead; she'll join them shortly. Alone with Damon, she asks how he's doing, saying they're close enough that they should be able to talk about it. Damon says, "I kissed you. I thought you kissed me back. Doppelganger hijinks ensued. How do you think I'm doing?" He objects when Elena says she thinks he's hurting. He pretends he doesn't get hurt, but Elena calls him on his crap, so he calls her on a little of hers. "You're scared. You think Katherine's going to send me off the deep end, don't you? I don't need her for that... You know why... why is it such a surprise that I would kiss you?" Elena says it's not. "I'm surprised that you'd thought I'd kiss you back." Damon grimaces and swallows hard. "Now I'm hurt." He's about to leave when Bonnie runs up, visibly distressed. As Elena asks her what happened, we cut away.
Jeremy finds Tyler drinking from his dad's flask in the study. After an awkward moment, Jeremy apologizes for Tyler's loss. When Tyler raises an eyebrow at his concern, Jeremy says he remembers when his own father died, having to listen to a bunch of strangers tell him what a great guy his dad was. Tyler says, "The difference is, in your case, it was true. My dad was a dick." Jeremy knows this, and knows Tyler knows it, so he shoots straight. "Yeah. Yeah, he was." Tyler is half-offended and half-appreciative of Germ's honesty and offers him the flask. Just then, Brick House enters, confiscates the flask, chases Jeremy off (probably because he so very much needs to wash his hair), takes a swig and hands the flask back to Ty, who drinks deep.
Katherine tries to make small talk about the growth of the Lockwood estate. "The possessions of all the tomb vampires built them quite a fortune." Stefan asks why she wanted the tomb refugees dead, since she's the one who turned them. Katherine chuckles. "There's nothing more annoying than a vengeful vampire, Stefan -- just ask John Gilbert." Heh. She tries to flirt with him about how much stronger, meaner and sexier he is now, but Stefan will have none of it. "I haven't spent 145 years obsessed with you." Katherine flanks him as she smirks. "Yeah? Based on your choice of women, I'd say otherwise, though I'll admit it, it does bother me that you've fallen in love with someone else." Stefan tells her he was never in love with her -- since she compelled him, none of his feelings were real. Playing the coy minx, Katherine tells him she knows the truth and deep down, so does he. Stefan says the truth is, "You're the same lying, selfish, manipulative bitch that you've always been, so whatever it is that brought you here, why don't you just get on with it and leave town? Because if you don't, I will hunt you down, and I will rip your heart out." Shiver. When Katherine tells him she came back for him, Stefan says, "Well the problem, Katherine, is that I hate you." At lightning speed, she rips a candle stand out of the ground and stabs him in the gut with the business end. "You hate me, huh? That sounds like the beginning of a love story, Stefan, not the end of one." She removes her makeshift weapon from his person and leaves him moaning on all fours. Commercial.
After the break, Elena finds Stefan on the Lockwood grounds and mops at his belly wound as he explains that he was playing along with Katherine to figure out her game, but sadly, he let her get to him. Just then, Damon returns saying he wasn't able to track her. When he gets a gander at Stefan's bloody abs, he cringes and turns away. "Ooh, cover up, Fabio. We've got a crazy ex on the lose." He turns to Elena and adds, "Better watch out, looks like Katherine's trying to steal your guy." Stefan denies that's what's happening, but Damon won't swallow that. "Isn't it? I mean, it's only fair since I... went after your girl." Elena ignores them and decides to go check on Jenna and Jeremy. Once she's gone, Damon tries to get playful with his brother, putting up his dukes and telling him to make his threats and stake his claim. Stefan's voice is calm as he says he won't be fighting. Damon's all, "Why? I'd fight me." He's got a point, but Stefan's one of those dreamboat boys who actually listens to his girlfriend, so he explains: "Katherine's going to try to play us against each other, you do know that, right?" Damon taunts: "Brother, don't you worry. Our bond is unbreakable." Stefan rises and pleads his case. "We need to stay united against her, so yes, as much as I would like to kill you, I'm not going to fight you." Damon turns the screw. "I kissed Elena." D, have you not been paying attention? Not only did you kiss Katherine, you were the first person in town to figure it was Katherine at all. Stefan maintains his zen as he discusses the mistaken identity kiss: "You feel something for [Elena], because you actually care. And I'm not gonna let Katherine come in here and destroy that part of you that is finally, after all of this time, willing to feel something." Damon's face twists 'til his angelic features are warped as Stefan goes on about the reasons not to fight each other, but he does hear Stefan out.
Gilbert Gables: John, who (when reviewed in slow-mo) seems to have all his fingers back, is packing up to go when Jeremy gets home. He tells his nephew he's leaving. After Jeremy pisses and moans about killing all the vampires and leaving town, John asks Jeremy to give Elena his goodbyes. Jeremy shakes his head. "Why don't you tell her yourself?" This prompts John to share with Germ the long history of Gilbert hatred of vampires. When John claims Grayson hated vamps too, Jeremy said his father would have seen things differently. John argues that although Grayson may have done things differently, he would have seen things exactly the same way. Their talk turns to Grayson's protect-o-ring, that John is wearing. Jeremy wants to know why it didn't protect his father. John explains that what happened to the Gilberts was an accident -- it wasn't supernatural. "There's nothing that can save us from that." I'm going to stick a pin in this subject and come back to it, don't you worry. Anyhow, Jeremy's voice falls. "I wonder what he'd think of all this -- of me." John smiles. "He'd think that you're still young. You're still finding yourself, but you are a Gilbert, and you've been exposed to this town's darkest secret. With that comes responsibility." Jeremy doesn't believe in family legacy claptrap, but John tells him, "Sooner or later, you're going to have to."
Lockwood Mansion: Alone in the study, Tyler looks at family pictures and works himself up into a rage. Finally, he smashes one of the photos, so Mama Mulva comes in and demands to know what he's doing. When he yells that he hates his father, Mulva grabs his arms and tells him not to say such things. Tyler thrusts her off -- pushing her down onto the couch. "Let go of me!" Just then, Uncle Brick House enters and tackles Tyler to the floor, forcing him to look at him and calm down. As Tyler's full boil settles to a simmer, Mulva gasps and we cut to...
Gilbert Gables: Arriving home, Damon pours himself a drink before he realizes that Katherine lies in wait for him. She claims she's coming to say goodbye, as she knows she's not wanted. Damon says, "Don't pout. It's not attractive in a woman your age." Heh. She teases him about goodbye kisses, nostalgia, curiosity, etc. until Damon tells her, "I'm better at the enigmatic one-liners, Katherine. What are you up to?" Katherine says that once she's up to something, he'll certainly know it. She then dares him to kiss her or kill her. "We both know that you're only capable of one." Damon turns his back on her to walk away, but Katherine Stealth Salvatores him and pushes him to the floor. On top of him she mutters, "My sweet, innocent Damon." Damon flips her over so he's on top, throttles her and then... KISSES HER FACE OFF. Oh, Damon. How non-badass of you. Eventually, Katherine propels them both up to their feet, pushes Damon's back against the wall and strips off his shirt, because she's a giver. Books fly. Her outer tank top disappears, and it's all lacy black bra, burnished abs, heaving breathing, and spit-swapping. Damon dearest, ripping a girl's shirt off does not equal ripping her head off, and this is a family board, so I'll set aside your staking plans for now, but this is NOT HARDLY HELPFUL! Damon calls a time out, and I hope I've gotten through to him, but alas...
Holding out his hand to his long lost love, Damon says he has a question. "Answer it, and it's back to fireworks and rockets' red glare. Answer it right -- I'll forget the last 145 years I've spent missing you. I'll forget it -- how much I loved you -- I'll forget everything, and we can start over. This can be our defining moment, because we have time. That's the beauty of eternity. I just need the truth -- just once." Katherine holds her hand up in front of his face. "Stop. I already know your question and its answer. The truth is I've never loved you. It was always Stefan." Yeeeeowch! She slides his hands off her face, turns and walks out, leaving Damon reeling from the pain. Don't forget your shirt, Kath!
Gilbert Gables: After freshening up in her bathroom, Elena returns to her bedroom to find Damon waiting for her. When she thanks him for looking out for her family, he sarcastically cops to being the neighborhood watch. She accuses him of drinking, which seems inefficient, no? He's always drinking, Elena. Hold your questions until you think he's sober. That will be newsworthy. Damon admits his inebriation, but not to being upset. Elena knows better, though -- he cares. Damon cocks his head toward her. "You're surprised that I thought you'd kiss me back. You can't imagine that I'd think you'd want to -- that what we've been doing here means something?! You're the liar, Elena. There is something going on between the two of us and you know it. And you're lying to me. And you're lying to Stefan. And most of all, you're lying to yourself. I can prove it." He forces his lips on hers as she moans her pleasure protest. When she manages to disengage, she says, "Damon, don't," and then, "What's wrong with you?" He keeps his hold on her as he tells her, "Lie about this." Elena continues to argue that he's better than this. He tells her she's wrong and goes in for more, but Elena pushes him off. She cares about him, but she loves Stefan. "It's always going to be Stefan." Yeaaaaargh. As Damon's face breaks, Jeremy wanders in, asking what's going on. Elena shrugs it off, saying it's nothing. "Just go back to bed." Damon turns from her even as he says, "No, it's not okay, Elena. He wants to be a vampire." And then, Stealth Salvatoring himself across the room, Damon pushes Jeremy to the wall and murmurs about how shutting out the pain is the easiest thing in the world. "The part of you that cares just goes away. All you have to do is flip the switch and snap!" At that last, he snaps the Germ's neck. Jeremy falls to the floor, actually lifeless, this time. As Elena screams "No," Damon seems to take in what he's done, at least for a moment, before he walks out. While crying over her brother's form, Elena realizes Jeremy is wearing a Gilbert Family protect-o-ring. As she catches her breath, we cut to...
Lockwood Mansion: Brick House reports back to Tyler that a pharmaceutical-fortified Mama Mulva has gone out. (And no, she's not dancing on her husband's grave, but only because he's yet to be buried.) Ty feels badly that he freaked her out. He has no idea what happens to him. Brick House explains that it's the curse of being a Lockwood. When Tyler asks how he got the "chill gene," Brick House says he didn't; he just learned how to manage it. Tyler doesn't want to be like this any more. Brick House replies, "None of us do, that's why it's a curse, Tyler." I assume they mean the lycanthropy, rather than the pretty.
Gilbert Gables: Stefan keeps watch over Elena, who is still seated on the floor, cradling Jeremy in her arms. In defense of his brother, he offers, "He saw the ring, that's why he did it. He knew." When Elena insists Damon didn't see it, Stefan switches the blame to Katherine. "She got under his skin. She undid everything that was good about him." As we cut to a shot of Damon entering Mossy Manse, Elena says, "There's nothing good about him, Stefan, not anymore. He's decided what he wants. He doesn't want to feel; he wants to be hated. It's just easier that way." As she clings to Jeremy, she adds, "He got his wish." And while, over at Mossy Manse, Damon throws his empty glass into the fireplace, Elena finishes: "I hate him, Stefan."
Just then, Jeremy gasps his way back to life, scared and confused. As Stefan and Elena try to comfort him and determine if he's okay, Jeremy says, "He killed me. Damon killed me." While Elena hugs him to her and thanks God, Stefan closes his eyes and bows his head in relief, while I scratch my head at the vagaries of the protect-o-ring. Now, to be fair to the writers, they established last season that the ring protected against a good neck snapping, when Damon snapped John's neck and tossed him off the balcony. They've established that ring protects against supernatural death. Neck snapping and balcony tosses are no more supernatural deaths than a car accident is. So what is it, really -- does the protect-o-ring keep a person from being killed in any old way, if the killer is a supernatural creature? I mean -- is it a sentient protect-o-ring? We're getting clunky here, kids. If supernatural creatures can't kill a ring wearer when he's wearing his ring, how come they can chop off the ring wearer's fingers and make him vulnerable? I no like. I was really hoping that we'd learn Uncle John had taken Grayson's ring and caused his death. My fanon here is that he did and lied about it to the Germ.
Hospital: Caroline wakes to find Katherine-As-Elena standing over her. She naturally assumes it's Actually Elena, and wonders why she's there so late. Katherine sits on Caroline's bed. "My name is Katherine. I was hoping you could give the Salvatore brothers a message for me." Caroline rubs her eyes. "What are you talking about? What message?" Katherine stares down at her victim and says, "Game on," then SMOTHERS CAROLINE TO DEATH WITH HER HOSPITAL PILLOW. When the deed is done, Katherine strolls out in her jeggings and oh-so-sexy boots. Dun! Title card. End.
Okay, there were enough mythology moments about blood that it's patently clear Caroline isn't dead forever -- just undead, which is is fan-fanging-tastic. But I worry about my poor Matt, and even more so, I worry about how Caroline's human inferiority complex will manifest when she faces off with Elena for her first time as a vamp. I can't wait to see Bonnie's reaction to the fruits of her labors, and I wonder how Caroline will now approach Stefan, Damon and poor, poor Liz.
Why it gets an A-: The pacing is A+ work; I dearly appreciate that the premiere picked up right where the finale left off. The plotting gets a solid A, and the mythology (particularly the ring thing) is getting a B for the nonce. Damon's inner struggle is the meat of this episode, and it puts filet mignon to shame. I'm struck by how well his dueling natures are personified in Katherine and Elena. I keep catching myself thinking about it, even when I'm not writing. Were I wearing a hat, I'd tip it in Ms. Nina Dobrev's direction, for her nuanced portrayal of these two very different characters. Sharp, sharp work and well worth the long, hot wait. Welcome back, Show!
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