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Y'all need to understand (some of) the roots of my deep appreciation of The Vampire Diaries' speedy revelations and overall pacing. How best to put it in TWoP terms? How about: I also recap Lost and How I Met Your Mother. In other words, I've had it up to ^HERE^ with reticence, so -- welcome back you great big, wonderful show, on which things actually happen and on which characters share vital information. I was miffed that you (okay, the CW) kept your devoted fang hags sitting on their couches in a group catatonic state since February 11, but after 42 minutes of your magic, I'm so over it. For the hags' sake, I'm going to get right to the story now. We can make out up in private, later. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Smoochie. Smoochie. Smoochie.
This episode centers around Elena's search for Isobel -- her birth mother. And in true (and dear Lord, please let it be trend-setting) Vampire Diaries style, not only does Jenna figure out Alaric's wife must be Elena's mother, she does ever so helpful research to prove it, and shares it. WITH ELENA!!! Alaric, Stefan, and finally Damon -- find out that Alaric's wife, Isobel, is Elena's biological mother. And Elena, as I implied before, finds that out, too. She also finds out that Damon killed Isobel. Except he didn't -- he turned her, but I expect Elena to realize that out any episode, now, so that's okay. Besides, Isobel was totally begging for it. NO REALLY. I'll hit that in the recap, in deepest detail, my dearest, darling snarklings. But whatever, because...
Then...THEN -- Damon, who hasn't killed anyone in gosh -- weeks -- kills Alaric. But he only kills Alaric in semi self-defense. That is, Alaric shows up at Mossy Manse and tries to stake Damon. Damon proceeds to beat the stuffing out of him, but Alaric will not back down, so eventually, Damon stakes Alaric, instead. Apparently, a wooden stake will kill a human... if/when it's inserted in a lung. Except...
Then... THEN -- I'm just about to break up with the show, when Alaric springs back to life, as Stefan looks on (Damon has wandered off, by then). But is Alaric a vampire? Nooooo. He springs back to life thanks to the gaudy bling frakking Isobel gave him, long ago and far away.
And all of this loveliness is wrapped up in an episode in which the Founders' Council is holding a Bachelor Auction Fund-Raiser, in which both Alaric and Damon are on the block. (You should have told us, Show, because we totes would have pooled our pennies.) And if that weren't enough, Matt's (and the late great Vicki's) mother finally hauls her tramp-ass back to town, and she's The O.C.‘s JULIE freaking COOPER (and, more importantly to me, Faith Taylor from DOOL). She's exactly what you'd expect Vicki's mom to be, and exactly what you feared Matt's mom was, but hoped she wouldn't be. And? She's still hot. Add in Elena's bio-mom's stalker-y minion, his grisly end, Isobel's distant interest in Elena, as well as Anna, Grace, Harper and a whole new vampire coven, and you've got yourself a rich, delicious recipe for nom nom nom.
This show. This show! This was my also-ran in choices to recap. And now, I can't fricking believe I lucked into this gig! From the fearless, revelation-heavy story-telling, to the beautiful and yet accomplished cast, to the eye-catching directorial choices (and the blue light, which is like crack)? I'm in recapper heaven.
I'm juggling Lost and The Vampire Diaries this week, after a month and a half of living the simple life, with only one show to cover -- so I'm going to get right on this weecap, now. I'll be back before you know it with all the pretty. In the meantime, come on over to the forums, where Barnes will kill you dead if you hurt my Pudding Pop -- even if you're his mom.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's back. It's back. The Vampire Diaries is finally back! Did the hiatus drain you dry, too? As I mentioned in the recaplet, I need you to understand how thrilled I am to be watching The Vampire Diaries, again. You see, I also recap Lost and How I Met Your Mother, but loving them as I do (and I do) leaves me with a yawning hole that can only be filled by a show on which things actually happen -- a show on which characters actually talk to each other, and in which mysteries are actually resolved. Going into "A Few Good Men," I was miffed that we've spent the last six weeks waiting for the show to return, but after 42 minutes of Williamson and Plec's magic, I'm utterly over it, so I'm going to get right to the story now. We can make out up in private later, Show. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Smoochie. Smoochie. Smoochie.
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: In the beginning there was fog. And shirtless vampire Stefan Salvatore. And it was good. And then veiny Stefan kissed Elena, who is a dead ringer for Katherine (long lost vampire lover of both Stefan and his vampire brother Damon, circa 1864) who was bad. When Elena realizes her resemblance to Katherine, she and Stefan never suspect that it's due to both characters being played by the same actress. Since Stefan has been stalking researching Elena since he first saved her life (in the accident that killed her folks), he tells her he has discovered she's adopted. The World's Most Crap Guardian, Aunt Jenna Sommers, confirms this, and explains that Elena's biological mother, Isobel, was a 16 year old runaway who showed up at Dr. Grayson Gilbert's office, gave birth, and eventually took off, leaving the baby with Grayson and his wife Miranda Sommers Gilbert, who had been having trouble conceiving.
The good doctor doctored up a birth certificate to lay claim to wee Elena, and never looked back. Meanwhile, history teacher Alaric Saltzman's wife spent her life researching local paranormal activity. When Stefan wants to know where Alaric's wife is now, Alaric says, "Damon killed her." Oh, and her name was Isobel. Now, back in 1864, 27 vampires were reportedly sealed in a tomb underneath the old church, so in 2010, Damon gets the witches Bennett to open the seal, because Katherine's one of them. Anna makes sure to get her mother, Pearl, out of there, too. Damon throws a hissy fit when he discovers Katherine never got sealed in at all. And when he throws the hissy fit, he also launches the bag of blood he brought to revive his twu wuv. The blood bag breaks and lands within reach of one of the desiccated, zombified vampires. With Pearl free, Anna informs Damon that the last place she saw Katherine was in Chicago, years ago. Katherine knew where Damon was. She just didn't care. Back in the tomb, a desiccated, zombified vampire stirs, raises the busted bag of blood to his bloodsucking lips and drinks deep. He then wanders out of the tomb that the Witches Bennett failed to re-seal, right about the time Grams Bennett is dying at home, from spell exhaustion, or something.
NOW; Woods: A solo young, white male takes our Victim of the Week spot. He's hiking through the woods when he is approached by Harper, the vampire who escaped the tomb at the end of "Food Me Once." Harper, an African-American male from 1864's Virginia, asks Whitie VotW what day it is (Saturday) and what year it is (2010). When VotW wants to know what's up with Harper's oh so dated clothing, Harper doesn't know about historical reenactments, so he abruptly changes the subject. "You seem very nice. I'm sorry." VotW says, "Sorry for what?" Harper swoops down on him and drains him dry.
Harper trades his civil war era clothing (which seems to include a Union jacket, but I'm confused and my research isn't helping) for that of the late, great VotW's. But when VotW's cell phone rings, it freaks Harper out. He grabs it from VotW's pocket, looks at it like it is from the devil (good call, Harper), throws it to the ground, and takes off.
Gilbert Gables Porch: Journal in lap, Elena sits on her porch swing as she leaves a message for BFF Bonnie Bennett, who has gone to stay with her aunt while she recovers from Grams' sudden death. When Jenna arrives home, Elena confides in her that attending Sheila Bennett's funeral brought back a lot of painful memories about her own parents' death. She then asks Jenna if she's had a chance to dig up any information on biological mother, Isobel.
Inside, Jenna tells Elena that Dr. Gilbert's records identify Elena's birth mother as Isobel Peterson. Since Isobel was a pregnant teen runaway, Jenna figured the last name to be an alias (perhaps from a classmate or best friend), and decided to search for other Petersons in the area. And in product placement most egregious, and yet, so much better than Eureka shilling for Degree deodorant, Jenna loads the Bing search engine on her computer as she says, "I Bing-ed it." And um, yeah. Not to bite the hand that feeds me, but that word's so not happening, guys, because it will never not look like the past tense of binge We'll ignore how ridiculous it is for Jenna to be reliving her search, when she could have just printed out or written down the information, or hell, at least bookmarked the webpages relevant to the search for Isobel.
Anyhow, Jenna shows Elena how she found a Trudie Peterson who was the same age as Isobel. Upon further Bing-ing she happened upon a picture of that same Trudie Peterson with one Isobel Flemming, in their Grove Hill High School cheerleading uniforms, circa 1993. Trudy still lives in nearby Grove Hill, Virginia, and Jenna has an address for her. Jenna also reveals she hasn't been able to find Isobel at all. AND she reveals that Alaric Saltzman's late wife was also from the area, and also named Isobel. Meep! I love you show and your quick reveals. LOVE!
Elena squanders her alone time in her bedroom with Stefan, by filling him in on what she learned from Jenna. Elena doesn't want Alaric's wife to be her birth mother, because that would mean her birth mother is dead. Stefan admits to Elena that Alaric told him about his wife's death, the night that Alaric attacked him Mystic Falls High School. He thinks it's too much of a coincidence that Alaric's and Elena's Isobels are one in the same, but as we know (although Elena doesn't -- not yet) Stefan also doesn't want it to be true, because Alaric believes Damon killed his Isobel. Stefan offers to go with Elena if she decides to look up Trudie Peterson. Elena doesn't know what she's going to do, yet. Stefan, however, knows what he's got to do, right now. He's got to deal with Damon, who is dealing with Katherine's faithlessness, in his own Damony way.
Mossy Manse; Hold Me Closer Damon Dancer Part the Second: A drunken Damon is partying with three equally un-sober young women, who are in various states of undress. They're all sporting bite marks, and at least one girl has one on her inner thigh. Naughty! When Stefan comes home, turns on the lights and turns off the music, Damon groans at the return of "Buzzkill Bob." Stefan, asks to speak to his brother away from the "Tri-Delts." Heh. Stefan makes a good show about inquiring after Damon's state of mind. Damon tries to glib it up about spending 145 years on one goal -- opening the tomb -- only to discover Katherine wasn't in it. He claims that it's liberating to be without a master plan. "I can do whatever the hell I want." Stefan smirks. "That's kind of what I'm afraid of." Damon smiles. "Relax, I haven't killed anyone in... too long." Well, there's our verbal equivalent of this episode's Chekhov's gun. Stefan wants to know the fate of the Tri-Delts. Damon promises they'll end up in their dorms with headaches, thinking they blacked out.
Damon knows Stefan isn't there to give a pep talk and asks what he wants. Stefan comes right out and asks him if he knew an Isobel in North Carolina -- from Duke. Damon has no clue, so Stefan suggests this girl is someone he killed. Damon: "Oh, it's like a needle in a haystack, Stefan." Whee! Stefan insists that this information is important. Damon leans in too close, and whispers in his brother's ear: "Nothing is important, not anymore." He must be blocking out Elena for the moment. Anyhow, Damon then pats Stefan on the shoulder and retrieves his bottle. "I have to go exploit some women in the name of grief which, I'm sure, you understand." He stumbles back a few steps. "'TTFN' said the Tri-Delt." Um...okay?
Donovan Domicile: Matt and Caroline are watching TV -- and I think what sounds like a game might actually be Friday Night Lights, because I hear the name "Taylor" mentioned, and while Caroline is complaining that it's boring, Matt pretends he's tempted to put off romancing her 'til it's over, because "it's a pretty good show" (rather than game). When Matt finally kisses Caroline, he blushes, and I kind of die.
When they each rip off their shirts, I run to IMDB.com to check their birth dates, just to make sure, once again, that I'm not inadvertently watching nearly nekkid minors. Whew! Accola is almost 21 and Roerig is 25. We're not going to jail. I can't rule out Hell, though -- at least for me. Things get a little hellish for my Pudding Pop Matt too, though, because just as he and Caroline start getting hot and heavy, they're interrupted by a woman who says, "Oh, God. Not on my couch." Matt (whose pants are still on) pushes up off of Caroline to give us a look at his fine chest. "Mom. Uh...hey." Caroline cringes beneath him. Matt grabs a pillow off the sofa and uses it to cover up something I couldn't see in the first place. Caroline hides her face with her hands and waits hopefully for death as we cut to...
Mystic Falls; Downtown: Alaric helps Jenna hang up a banner announcing the "Mystic Falls Annual Founder's Day Fundraiser" which is a "Silent Auction Bachelor Raffle." It seems Alaric has gotten roped into putting himself up for bid. Jenna welcomes him to Mystic Falls, where fundraising compares to indentured servitude -- hey, that's just like our local PTA. And then they smile at each other all soft and special like they're going to kiss -- which is exactly what they do! Aww. They're both feeling it, so Jenna inexplicably announces she's going to do something to ruin the moment. She's not wrong. She tells Alaric about Elena's quest for her birth mother and asks if his Isobel could have had a baby when she was young. When Alaric's all no way, Jenna shows him the picture of Isobel and Trudie in their cheerleading uniforms. Alaric gulps and mutters something about Isobel not telling him, and then flees to deal with this new discovery.
312 Boulder Ave., Grove Hill, VA: Elena approaches Trudie's house and psyches herself up to knock. When Trudie answers, Elena introduces herself and asks about Isobel Flemming, and if she gave up a baby for adoption. Trudie smiles brightly. "Oh my God, you're her daughter." A beat. "I was just going to make some tea, would you like some?" When Elena says she would, Trudie says, "Uh... the kitchen's... this way." She eyes Elena's feet as they cross the threshold. Guess who knows about vampires? Commercial.
Trudie's Dining Room: Elena gives an awkward, babbling explanation for dropping in on Trudie, out of the blue, and then they get down to business -- talking about Isobel. Trudie says she last saw Isobel about 17 years ago, before she left town to have Elena. They stayed in touch for a while. Isobel was in Florida on her own for a bit. "It wasn't easy." Elena asks who her father might be. Trudie's smile fades. "I could never get her to 'fess up." Is she lying, do you think? Anyhow, Trudie goes to tell Elena that eventually, Isobel pulled it together and went to Duke, on scholarship. "Smart girl. Smart school." Just then the tea kettle whistles. Trudie runs out to the kitchen to grab it, takes her phone out of her pocket and texts: "She's here."
Donovan Domicile: Caroline's gone and Matt is alone in the kitchen with his mother, Kelly, played by Melinda Clarke, a.k.a. The O.C.'s JULIE freaking COOPER (and, more importantly to me, Faith Taylor from DOOL). When he asks where she's been, she says they've been here and there and "you know Pete," to which Matt snarks that he doesn't. It's mom's turn to pick on him and his blonde flavor of the month. "Matty, seriously, Lezzie Forbes' daughter?" Matt says, "Mom, seriously? Knock it off." Whatever, Kelly has more important things to talk about than her son's life, like how she'd like some ice for her booze. Matt obliges and then asks, "Have you heard from Vic?" Kelly tells Matt not to worry about his sister, saying she'll come home when she needs something. "I played that game." I bet you did, sister. Matt: "Are you playing it now?" Kelly deflects the question as best she can by making Matt feel guilty for implying she needs an excuse to come home. She then turns on the charm, inviting her son to sit and eat with her. "Tell me everything I've missed." Too bad emotional-vampires don't need an invite.
Town Square: Alaric and Stefan meet up and swap information on the Isobel-Elena situation. Stefan tells Alaric that Elena knows what he is and knows about the vampires. Alaric wants to know if Elena knows about Damon and Isobel. Stefan says he couldn't tell her anything until he was sure what happened. Damon doesn't remember now and he's too unstable to press the issue. Alaric says, "You know, he murdered my wife, or at the very least, made a meal out of her. When has he been stable?" Stefan tells Alaric not to push things with Damon for his own sake. "I'll handle it, but for now, I need you to let it go." When Alaric snaps, "Is that what you'll tell Elena -- let it go..." Scary Stefan becomes the darkness before dawn -- the eye of the hurricane. He moves way the heck into Alaric's personal bubble. The muscles in his cheek twitch. His voice drops to a whisper. "Leave Elena out of this." Alaric stands his ground. "I need to know what happened. I think you would, too." Stefan exhales and says he needs something more to tickle Damon's memory. Alaric removes a picture of Isobel from his wallet. Stefan takes it, and leaves without a word. We flash back to...
Alaric and Isobel's Bedroom: Everything is blue, because that's what the world used to look like. Alaric wakes to find Isobel still typing away on her computer and promising to come to bed in a few minutes. When she isn't forthcoming about what she's working on, Alaric says, "Look baby, I'm in a three-way with you and your computer. The least you can do is let me know what you're up to." And so Isobel tells him about Mystic Falls, where every now and then people die mysteriously from reported animal attacks, "Except these bodies are drained of blood. It's vampires. It has to be." Alaric condescends to her about getting his garlic and holy water (neither of which work on vamps in this universe) but says he loves that she believes in the supernatural so much so that she's making a degree out of it. "You're like Mulder, except hotter... and a girl." Isobel makes it clear to her husband just how serious she is. "I'm gonna prove it." She kisses him and walks back to her desk, "And Mulder was right, in the end."
Trudie's: The former cheerleaders do some reminiscing and Elena thanks her for all the insight into her mother's youth. Trudie (who finally looks like she could be Elena's mother's peer, rather than Elena's) points out that Elena hasn't touched her tea, so Elena raises her cup and takes a sip. "What is this?" Trudie lies, "Just an herbal mixture." Elena says, "Vervain?" Trudie won't meet her eyes, so Elena says, "You know." Trudie plays dumb. Elena says, "You didn't invite me in, and you're serving Vervain tea. You know." Trudie tells her she should probably leave. Elena wants to know what Trudie isn't tell her. Trudie rises. "Please leave. Now." Was she uncertain that her non-invite wasn't non enough, or was she satisfied Elena wasn't a vampire, and just trying to protect her? I can't decide.
Town Square: Harper looks around, he's the complete antithesis of a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, isn't he. Imagine what it would be like for an African American (from Virginia) to wake up in 2010. He sees cars, phones, skateboarders, underdressed people, especially the women, free people of color. It's too much for him to take in as the swirly cam points out, and I bet he doesn't even know who's president, yet. It's then that he spots an African American woman sitting on a bench. She eyes hims knowingly and nods. Harper approaches her and we cut to...
Mossy Manse: Elena enters to find a drunken Damon wearing pants (only), and they're slung way low. Scott starts singing, "Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground." I say "Oh, I don't know..." before I remember myself. What are those low down muscles called? Are they the obliques? The only name I know for them is obscene. Use your imagination. Anyhow, they're nice and Damon is having trouble buttoning his shirt, or at least he pretends to, so Elena does it for him, and this act feels oddly intimate, yeah? As she buttons him up, she tells him about her search for her biological mother, but Damon thinks it's a waste of time. "Who cares? She left you. She sucks!" He's not all feeling transfer-y. And Elena is not at all looking at his lips. No siree, Bob.
Just then, Stefan walks in. Elena walks over to him quickly, but he's completely nonplussed by the situation. Damon tries on a blazer, declares it too tight, and tells Stefan he should indulge in the occasional sorority girl -- it might fill him out. When he walks past the couple, he buttons one of his own buttons as he eyes Elena pointedly. She realizes she has been had and says, "He's fine!" Stefan says, "He's Damon." Elena says, "Maybe this heartache will be good for him. It will remind him that he has one, even if it doesn't beat." Tactful comment to make to your vampire boyfriend, Elena. She changes the subject and tells Stefan she went to see Trudie Peterson. Stefan tries to cover his concern as he asks how it went. Elena skips any intel about Isobel and tells Stefan that Trudie knows about Vervain and vampires. Stefan then shows her the picture of Alaric's wife (which Elena confirms is her Isobel), and tells her that Alaric learned about vampires from his Isobel. "He believes she was killed by one." Stefan asks Elena to hold off on talking to Alaric for a little while. He knows it's a lot to ask, but he asks her to do it, for him. Elena nods. And we cut to...
The Grill: As Carol Lockwood emcees, we pan over to Alaric and Jenna. When Alaric apologizes for his behavior earlier, Jenna completely understands. She suggests that at some point, maybe he and Elena could talk. When Alaric is less than receptive, Jenna adds, "No pressure." Alaric is not sure it's a great idea, right now. Scott says Jenna is being too pushy. I say bull. She's trying to help her poor, orphaned niece. She has her priorities on straight, for once.
Mossy Manse: Elena is gone when Damon returns to the parlor with a better fitting jacket. "Where'd our girlfriend go?" Stefan doesn't appear mind that wording -- doesn't even flinch. He just says, "She's on her way to the grill." Stefan stayed behind to talk to his brother. He shows him the picture of Isobel and asks if he remembers her, now. Damon says, "Who wants to know?" Stefan: "I do." Damon: "Who else wants to know?" Stefan answers that with a question. "Did you kill her?" Damon shrugs. "Sorry, don't know her." He walks toward the door and asks Stefan if he's coming. "The Real Housewives of Mystic Falls await." The Real Housewives (and Students, and Working Women, and some of the Fellas) of TWoP would have gladly pooled our pennies for a chance at this auction. Just sayin', Show.
Grill: Caroline is explaining to Elena how Matt is total cougar-bait at the Grill, when the ultimate cougar, and the one who has no designs on Matt (please God) walks in -- Kelly Donovan. She completely ignores Caroline's friendly greeting and makes a big show of saying hello to Elena and hugging her. She then tells Elena that she really broke Matt's heart and that Caroline is his rebound girl. She does this all with Matt and Caroline standing right exactly there. She's terribly naughty. I adore her! She then hands Caroline her money for the auction. "I just hope I don't get Bachelor No. 3. Dated him in high school. Not impressive." She wait a beat and then whispers, "In any way." Matt dies yet another death. As Elena watches Kelly walk off, she catches a glimpse of Alaric, but when she establishes eye contact with him, he turns and walks away. Meanwhile, across the Grill, Damon is schmoozing with Mama Mulva, telling her about the romantic date he has planned for the auction winner. Mulva says it sounds so good she's tempted to bid. Damon tells her to rig the contest.
When Liz Forbes walks in, he excuses himself to talk to her. She gives him the rundown on Alaric. He's clean, but he's got a sad story. His wife went missing a few years ago, back in N.C. When Damon asks if she has a name, Liz shows him her file. "Yeah, Isobel." Damon looks from the picture across the bar to Alaric, and smiles maliciously.
The auction interviews are lame and boring until we get to Damon -- the last bachelor. When Mulva asks if he likes to travel, he says, "Oh, yeah. L.A., New York, a couple of years ago I was in North Carolina, near the Duke campus, actually. I think Alaric went to school there, didn't you, Ric?" Yeah, that name's not happening, either. I like Alaric. Damon continues: "I know your wife did. I had a drink with her, once. She was... she was a great girl. Did I ever tell you that? She was...delicious. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm." At her table, Elena can't believe her eyes and ears. On stage, Alaric struggles to maintain his composure. Meanwhile, Stefan works his way across the floor, getting ready to play damage control.
When Jenna, who doesn't know the half of it, asks if Elena's okay, she says she needs some air and rushes out. Stefan follows her outside, so she turns and asks him if Damon killed Isobel. Stefan explains that he doesn't know how it happened, because Alaric said they never found a body. Elena feels stupid for ever feeling sorry for Damon. Stefan tries to explain that Damon doesn't know about the connection to Elena. She wants to know why he's protecting Damon. Stefan says she isn't the only one who was hoping Damon would change. Aww. Their conversation is interrupted when Elena sees the Horseless Headman and tells Stefan that the same man had been waiting outside Trudie's. Stefan hustles her back in the bar and we follow.
Grill; Interior: Kelly (who I just called "Vicki" by accident, because what good casting) gets Bachelor number 3, just like she didn't want. Mulva smarms about how "The lovely Kelly Donovan" and "the plumber" will be just perfect for one another. When Kelly turns in her ticket to Caroline, Caroline again tries to be friendly. With Matt out of earshot, Kelly pulls no punches. She tells Caroline to stop trying so hard and stop with the fake niceness. "Like your mom." Oh Kelly, once your kids are in high school, it's high time to get over it. She doesn't listen; she keeps verbally pummeling Caroline. "For some reason Matt fell for it, but that doesn't mean that I will. I don't like you, okay? So, tell Plumber Boy I'll be at the bar." She staggers off, leaving poor Caroline absolutely shredded.
But you ain't seen nothing yet. The real shredding comes when Elena confronts Damon and reminds him of their earlier conversation about her birth mother. Damon's still feeling the rush of being an absolute ass to Alaric in front of the whole bar, so he's all flirty and cute until Elena says, "Her name was Isobel." Elena gives Damon a second to do the math and then continues. "Go ahead. Reminisce about how you killed her." She swoops off, leaving the brothers staring at each other. Stefan refrains from saying, "Way to screw things up with our girlfriend," before following Elena out.
Outside, the couple is confronted by the Horseless Headman who say she has a message for Elena. "Stop looking. [...] She doesn't want to know you. She doesn't want to talk to you. You need to stop looking. Do you understand?" Elena tries to get more information, but Stefan recognizes that Horseless is under compulsion, so eventually, Elena just acknowledges the message. Horseless pronounces himself done, looks off to his right, steps backwards into the street, and is killed by a truck, approaching from the right. I laugh so hard I have to stop my TiVo. Once I'm calm, I start it up again, and watch as Elena and Stefan rush to the now dead Horseless's side. When Elena spies his cellphone in the street, she pockets it, without anyone noticing.
Back at the auction, Jenna wins Alaric, which yay for her, but that's a little pat, isn't it? And then -- Carol Lockwood wins Damon. Heh. She put in the fix!
We return to the blue, blue past, where Alaric has had it with Isobel's vampire obsession. He wants them to live a normal life, have kids, etc. Isobel: "Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I want...more." Ouch.
Donovan Domicile: Matt pours Kelly in the door and while at first she argues that she wasn't ready to leave, she quiets down quickly enough and says, "You're the best, Matty." I'm pretty sure Vicki has said the same thing. She apologizes for leaving him for so long and then confesses that the real reason she's home is that Pete (her boyfriend) left her, and it's all her fault, like it always is. I can't argue with her logic. She then lays the guilt on Matt -- but thick. Don't leave me. You're all I have. Blah blah blah Me-cakes. Poor Pudding Pop. He deserves so much better, but he loves his mother, even though he knows what she is. He reassures her, and she passes out, so he covers her up.
Mossy Manse: Damon is pouring himself a drink when Alaric enters, ready to stake him. Damon doesn't even have to turn around. "Are you really that stupid?" Alaric doesn't say yes, because it would be redundant. In between throwing Alaric across the room and back, and trying to get him to put down the stake, Damon cops to feeding on Isobel, but she came to him, and she begged to be turned, so that's what he did. "There was something about her -- something I liked -- something... special." Alaric can't believe his ears. "You turned her because you liked her?" Damon laughs. "No, I slept with her because I liked her. I turned her because she begged me to." Damon rubs it in about how Isobel must not have been happy with her life or her husband. Alaric can stand it no more. He throws himself at Damon, stake first, but Damon overcomes him, and turns the weapon on its wielder. As Alaric struggles and shakes, Damon pronounces them kindred spirits -- abandoned by the women they love. "Unrequited love sucks." He pulls out the stake and listens to the hissing noise. "Sounds like I got a lung, which means I get to sit here and watch you die." Excuse me, I have to go draft a Dear John letter to the show....
Damon lets Alaric falls to the floor and then goes to freshen his drink. He returns to the sofa and sits and watches the fire. Alaric's death scene doesn't obstruct his view, because he's lying on the floor, like a bearskin rug.
When Stefan comes home and looks around, he asks his brother what happened. "What did you do?" Damon explains that Alaric attacked him and insists that all he did was tell Alaric the truth. "It's not my fault he couldn't handle it." Stefan looks a Damon. "Like you've been handling Katherine." Hee. Damon says he's doing just fine. He gives Stefan Isobel's backstory -- that she found him. "And if she's related to Elena, that means she's related to Katherine. Maybe Katherine sent her to me." Yeah, because in 140 some-odd years, Katherine couldn't find any other way to get your attention. Stefan tries to get Damon past these delusions, but Damon prefers to pet them and call them George. As he leaves the parlor, he nods towards Alaric's corpse. "I'm assuming you'll take care of this." Bastard.
Stefan kneels down by Alaric's side. I wonder how many times he's done this -- how many times he's played sweeper for Damon. But my wondering is cut short by the most wonderful development EVER! Alaric is alive. At first, he wiggles his fingers on his right hand. Then he gasps and sits up. Stefan assumes Damon turned him, but Alaric insists he didn't, and insists he wasn't slipped any vampire blood, either. When he says it was something else, the cameraman helps us by focusing in on his magic ring! As I rip up my Dear John letter, we flash back to...
Blue Blue My World Is Blue: Isobel surprises Alaric with a gift. He protests that it isn't fair, because he didn't get her anything. When he opens it, he's a taken aback by the size of the ring. Isobel knows it's ridiculous, but says he should tell people it's a family heirloom, because no one ever questions that. She then explains that the ring will protect him from all of the things that go bump in the night. She makes him promise to always wear it. She loves him, and she's sorry she's been so crazy, self and a horrible wife. Hmmm.
Back at Mossy Manse, Alaric tells Stefan that the ring Isobel gave him protected him. Stefan, who has his own, similarly gaudy, magical ring deadpans, "That's impossible." Um, yeah. So's a ring that will keep vampires from burning up in the daylight, but not one that can protect humans -- why not? By the way, in the fantasy genre, Stefan, we prefer to refer to the impossible as magical, m'kay? Try to keep up.
Gilbert Gables: Elena picks up a picture of her and her parents and clutches it to her chest. She then picks up her cell phone, except it's not her phone, it's Horseless Headman's. She looks at the list of calls and they're all to the same number, so she dials it. A woman answers. I can't tell if she sounds like Isobel or not, but that's my guess for now. The woman asks, "Was there a problem? Did you find her? What's going on?" Elena says, "Isobel?" The woman promptly hangs up.
ASIDE: If you call that number, you'll have a lot more fun than Elena did. Seriously, dial: (919) 399-2507. You'll hear Damon tell the people on Team Stefan that Stefan is not as perfect as they think, and that they should know what he did once he was turned into a vampire in 1864. And then Stefan gets on and tells Team Damon to think of everything Damon has done since that time. "He never looks back at the people he's killed and the lives he's ruined." But eventually it all comes together like a perfect storm, or something like that. Anyhow, you then can leave a message, but I didn't because I chickened out. I'll just note that 919 is the area code for the section of North Carolina that includes Duke, and leave it at that.
End Tag: Harper walks through the foggy night until he reaches a house in a clearing. The woman from the bench answers the door, smiles knowingly at him, and calls for Pearl. Pearl and Anna come to the door, as does her host, a Miss Gibbons. Any friend of Pearl's is welcome in her home, so Miss Gibbons invites Harper in. Anna's reaction, as she looks out the door, is inscrutable. Is she satisfied, concerned, on alert? Just before she shuts the door, something else flashes across her face, which I believe is best described as the what have I done what have I done expression. That's right, toots. You're a 150-something-year-old teenager, stuck with your mother and her weird-ass friends, Forever. DUN!
Well, do you think that was Isobel on the other end of the phone? It almost seems too easy, but the voice sounded more like Isobel's than Katherine's so it probably is Isobel, right? If it was Isobel, how nasty is she -- killing her old best friend, and then compelling her minion into a suicide mission?!
In thinking back to what Damon said about Katherine sending Isobel to him, I think he was in the right church, but the wrong pew. My guess is Isobel was researching vampires, realized she had some in her family tree, and hunted down Damon hoping to get the goods. My burning question right now though is -- who is Elena's father? Did someone set out to genetically engineer a new Katherine? Was Elena planted with the Gilberts as the first step in a long, complicated plan of revenge against the Mystic Falls? Was Isobel under a vampire's thrall when she arrived at Dr. Gilbert's office, or when she abandoned her baby? For that matter, was she under Damon's thrall when she slept with him? Poor Alaric. Someone's going to have to tell Jenna what's going on, so she can take care of him.
Finally, what is Pearl and Anna's little coven up to? Why didn't they high tail it out of Dodge? Is Anna upset that they didn't?
It's late and I'm tired, so I'm going to end things here: welcome back, show. You've once again rocked my world with your pacing, and your recognition that real people reveal things and answer direct questions during conversations. And you get a few points on the gender thing. Sure, Stefan was protective, but that's his nature. You didn't let that slow Elena down. She sought out Trudie on her own, and she clipped Horseless's phone on her own, too. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping that whatever trouble she gets into doesn't render her too much of a damsel. I'm also curious to see how her relationship with Bonnie is, when Bonnie gets back. The female friendships are important, Show. Don't forget it.
Up this week is "There Goes the Neighborhood," in which Anna brings someone to visit Damon; Stefan, Elena, Matt and Caroline go on an awkward double date, and Jeremy and Anna's relationship takes a turn. In the meantime, come on over to the forums, where Barnes will kill you dead if you hurt my Pudding Pop -- even if you're his mom.
Cindy McLennan's husband watches her vampire shows, just like in those Dodge Charger commercials, and he likes them, too. But he keeps confusing Alaric with Lost's Jacob, who also plays Lucifer on Supernatural. Help her help him keep these characters straight, by emailing her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or following her on Twitter.