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My word, everyone is a vampire -- Ben McKittrick, the new hottie tending bar at The Grill; Noah, the pizza delivery guy -- who always gets invited in; and Anna -- the Germ's new stalker. I'm in such a tizzy, I don't know how to summarize this bad boy. Suffice it to say that Matt and Caroline are back and it's tense (some tension is thanks to Elena; the rest is based on social class), but they'll muddle through, somehow. Elena and Stefan are going strong. Jenna comes clean to Elena about her birth circumstances; her mother was a runaway teen named Isabel. Anna keeps stalking Jeremy and she is not twee in the slightest.
After a vamp (Noah/Humpty Dumpty; he's pizza delivery guy, hence it was child's play to get an invite) makes his way into Gilbert Gables in order to terrorize Miss Elena. Stefan and Damon escort her to the MFHS '50s dance, in order to keep her safe. They dance their socks off, and uncover the new vampire in town who is stalking her. Alaric, who has invited Aunt Jenna as his date, is chaperoning. He tells Jenna a little about his dead wife -- Isabel. Sound familiar? Relatedly, Alaric recognizes Damon and gives him the third degree, but covers quickly enough by saying that he's nosy. He piques Damon's interest, but doesn't seem to ring his bell at first.
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Caroline leave the dance and go to the grill. Bonnie takes a shine to fangy bartender Ben McKittrick, and Caroline puts her foot in her mouth as she denigrates washed-up townie jocks to Bonnie, while Matt's within earshot. Meanwhile, back the dance, the Noah vamp gets Elena to come outside by threatening Jeremy, and it's all very Buffy in "Becoming" as she runs down the hallway. The Noah vamp terrorizes her in the cafeteria, but she stakes him with pencils, which does little but slow him down. She then breaks a mop handle and tries that on for size, but he thwarts her and moves in for jugular. Thankfully, Stefan is right there, and Damon's on his trail with a, "Hey, dickhead." Stefan goes all Jack Bauer and tortures Noah with the wooden mop handle to try to get information out of him. Noah is fixated on Katherine (hence his Elena stalkage). He knows about Emily Bennett's grimoire and Jonathan Gilbert's journal, but he won't talk any more so Stefan stakes him through the heart which apparently kills these vampires. Alaric spies the scene from the hallway so Damon goes to lay the whammy on him, and thinks he's successful, but after his, "Forget we had this conversation," and departure, Alaric reveals he's holding a fistful of Vervain.
Denouement: Stefan offers to help Damon get Katherine (but not the 26 other vamps) out of the mystical tomb, and then tells Elena that his offer to his brother is a flat-out lie. Matt and Caroline kiss and make up. And Anna? She makes it clear that the Germ is just a toy and Ben McKittrick is her toothy dreamboat.
So much happened in this episode that it's not really recaplet-friendly, so join me on the flip side for the full weecap. In the meantime, come on over to the forums, and let your pizza delivery guy wait on the stoop.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: For over a century, vampire Stefan Salvatore has lived in shadows, but he must know Elena Gilbert, so he takes a flying leap into the sunshine of her love. Elena is a dead ringer for Katherine -- the woman who sired both Stefan and his brother, Damon. Stefan says their love for Katherine wasn't real -- just a product of her vampyric thrall, but Damon knows he is in twu wuv, and is determined to free her from her mystical prison which lies beneath the old Falls Church ruins. Jeremy meets home-scholar, Anna, and they soon discover they're both researching history recorded in their respective ancestors' journals. Alaric meets Jenna and tells her that he fell in love and married young, but alas, his wife died. Elena wanders Stefan's room after their first time together, if you know what I mean and I think you do, and stumbles upon his portrait of her doppelganger, Katherine. She leaves her Vervain necklace lying atop it in a fit of pique and flees Mossy Manse. She runs down a vampire on her way home and flips her car. He puts himself back together again, so we're calling him Humpty Dumpty for now. Just as he's about to move in on poor, trapped Elena, Damon arrives to save the night. Elena confronts Stefan and demands to know why she looks like Katherine. Stefan drops a bomb on her: she's adopted. And some of that is out of order from the "Previously on" sequence as aired, but there you go.
Now: Elena and Stefan made up in the last episode, so we begin this episode with them in deep conversation. Elena wants to know who Humpty Dumpty is. Stefan hasn't a clue, but he does have plenty of Vervain (even though I forgot to send any to Julie Plec to pass out to the rest of the human characters). He says it's for Elena, Jenna, Jeremy (Stefan made him a Vervain bracelet; I think that means they're going steady) and extra for friends. Could it be? Is it too much to hope that poor, abused Caroline will finally get a little bit of this anti-enthrallment herb? I wait with bated breath. Stefan recaps for us that as long as a person either wears or ingests Vervain, that person is free from falling victim to vampyric mind control. He says that since there's another vampire in town, until they know what he wants, they have to be careful. Elena nods solemnly, because like Stefan, she can tolerate Damon, who has been killing people left and right, and has been using Caroline as his butt-monkey since September, but this new guy causing car accidents is a menace.
Jeremy is sketching what may be Vervain when the Gilbert Gables doorbell rings. It's a pizza delivery man, and because Elena and Stefan are too mean to tell her nearest and dearest that they're living in a town crawling with vampires, Jeremy invites him in -- so we know he's a vampire right away, but just in case you took off your thinking cap when you got home, the camera gives us a close shot of his feet crossing the threshold. Too bad Elena can't watch from our angle, because she's none the wiser when she comes downstairs to pay Pizza Boy his $22.00 plus tip. After she shuts the door, Pizza Boy pulls up his hood to show us that he is Humpty Dumpty. Man this show moves fast.
Damon tears apart Mossy Manse library. And while I'd be harping, "I am so not cleaning that up," Stefan, instead, asks what he's looking for. Damon says it's none of his concern. Stefan's all: pshaw. Elena is his concern and Damon put her in harm's way by bringing her to Atlanta, GA. Damon taunts that they had a blast together, so Stefan taunts him back. "I get it; you're just bitter that one of us gets to be with the person that we love, and poor Katherine is just out of reach.... Unless there's another way for you to get into that tomb. Is that what Bree said?" Damon quips that Stefan is pathetic when he's fishing. Stefan counters that Damon is transparent when deflecting, so Damon deflects some more: "Don't you have school?" Stefan smiles as he walks away.
MFHS; classroom: Alaric gives Jeremy back his extra-credit paper. He's earned an A for it, but Alaric (who recently slayed Logan "Scum" Fell, intrepid boy reporter and vampire n00b) wants to pump Jeremy for information. "You don't actually think there are vampires in Mystic Falls?" Germ says he doesn't, but points out the unusually high rate of animal attacks and missing persons in town. Alaric says it's conjecture, but creative conjecture. "I just wouldn't get too caught up in the whole conspiracy theory of it all." Jeremy says he won't, but before he leaves, Alaric asks him for his source. "A first person account of the Civil War is like porn for a history teacher." Jeremy is happy to oblige. I'm happy (I think) that my daughter (who is not usually allowed to watch this one, but weaseled her way in when I was re-watching) didn't ask me what porn means. Anyhow, Jeremy hands his teacher Jonathan Gilbert's journal.
MFHS; exterior: the camera pans past a sign advertising a '50s Decade Dance and over to Elena who has just given Caroline a necklace. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. The child finally has some Vervain. Caroline asks if it's a Lesbian Friend Necklace, "'Cause we're freaky like that?" But Elena remains serious, either because she's the star of the show and doesn't want to be too offensive, or because she's well aware that Caroline is so starved for affection that that might have been actually 50% come-on. The long-shot possibility is that she really does consider Caroline a good friend, but c'mon, Elena, have you met her? Anyhow, Elena knows Caroline has been avoiding her and she wants her to know that whatever is going on between her and Matt is okay with her. Since Matt is Elena's ex, Caroline feels weird talking about this, but Elena says, "It's not about me." Caroline says it's all about her. Elena is a little too self-absorbed here to give Caroline the validation she's practically screaming for. Instead, she opts for: "I'm with Stefan now. Matt knows he has to move on." I mean, what's the sentence there, Elena? Enjoy being his second choice, Caroline! Caroline doesn't say anything, but her face agrees with me.
The Grill: Matt is filling out an application for a busboy job when Ben McKittrick, the Grill's new bartender and MFHS's old football star, walks up and greets him. They commiserate over MFHS's half-forfeited season (thanks to Damon killing All-Trades Tanner). Poor Pudding Pop! When his chance at a football scholarship evaporated, so did his one-way ticket out of Vamp Village.
Over at a table, Bonnie and Elena discuss Elena's recent news that she's adopted. What Elena can't figure out is why Miranda and Grayson Gilbert are listed as her birth parents. Bonnie advises her to ask Jenna. When Elena looks uncertain that she's ready to learn any more, Bonnie reminds her that she just found out her lover is a vampire. She's pretty sure the Elena Gilbert she knows can deal with whatever Jenna's got to tell her -- unless her birth parents were aliens. Having already seen the whole episode, allow me to laugh and laugh. Elena sticks Bonnie with the check and leaves to buy accessories for the '50s dance. After she's gone, Damon sidles over to Bonnie and proposes a fresh start. Bonnie just wants him gone. When he doesn't get the hint, she morphs into BAMF Bonnie, and reminds him that she can start fires with her mind. "Fires kill vampires, right?" Heh. Just then Ben McKittrick walks over to ask if everything is okay. Damon says it's all fine. Ben smirks at him. "I wasn't talking to you." Damon considers him for a moment (probably imagining how quickly he could pull off his head and drink directly from his throat) before he blinks and smiles prettily at Bonnie and walks off, leaving her with Ben. She thanks Ben and is surprised he remembers her from high school. "I didn't graduate that long ago. You're making me feel old." She just didn't know he knew her. Ben flirts: "I always know a pretty face." If he's old enough to serve booze, he probably wasn't in high school with Bonnie, but let's ignore that, because he's cute and this is the first time Bonnie's even indicated she might be interested in someone.
As Elena's walking to her car, her cell phone rings. It's Humpty Dumpty, threatening that time, she won't get away from him. She jumps in her car and squeals off and into the commercial.
Mossy Manse: Elena whines to Stefan about her newest vampire stalker. "Why me?" Stefan wisely refrains from saying, "Because you look like Katherine, duh," and instead blathers about how "we're" predators and that stalking and hunting is as thrilling as the kill. That's quite a match you've made yourself there, Miss Gilbert. He then gives her the ACTUAL VAMPIRE COMPASS (which he got from Damon, who got it from Scum, who stole it from Germ) and in case we forgot he was a vampire, even though he just reminded us, the camera lingers on it while it whirls and whirs until it's pointing straight at Stefan.
MFHS; exterior: Caroline and Matt are painting decorations for the '50s Decade Dance, and they're painting each other a little too, but not in a full-on body paint way; it's just a little forearm play... I mean art. They giggle and bat their eyelashes at one another, enjoying their "friendship." But the conversation turns serious when Caroline tries to turn attending the dance into a date. Matt can't go. He has to work. As a busboy. You can imagine Princess Caroline's involuntary sneer. "Since when are you a busboy?" Matt gets understandably defensive (although my 11 year old thinks he was "mean") and explains that with his mom only popping in on occasion, he has no choice but to work. He leaves in a huff, but he's still sweet enough that even his huffs are pudding flavored. Caroline looks like she's starving for a taste -- just enough to get the foot-flavor out of her mouth, perhaps.
The Grill: Anna finds Jeremy playing pool and he catches her up on the success of his extra credit essay. She asks if the teacher believed his vampire angle and says vampire like you might... if you were an overly dramatic film vampire. Jeremy laughs it off then tries to give Anna the brush off. She's persistent though, and suggests they hangout later, but Jeremy can't -- part of his probation at school is serving punch at the dance. When she suggests hanging tomorrow instead, Jeremy looks like his brain is stuck -- and I'm chalking that up to the post-Vicki-death mind-wipe that Damon did on him. As far as we know, Damon removed his suffering, right? But love is not all pain; it's joy too. So here's this boy still in love with the woman he doesn't know turned into a vampire -- the vampire he doesn't know he killed. It's not just that he's recently out of a relationship. Since his suffering has been removed, I'm wondering if his ability to fall out of love is broken, or at least a little bent. And on the flip side, if his ability to fall out of love is out of whack, what does that do to his ability to fall in love again? That first rush of love always walks the pleasure/pain line, doesn't it? Unless/until you know your love is not unrequited, it can be as awful as it is awesome; Barney Stinson might deem it awfsome. At any rate, Germ doesn't want what Anna's giving away, so off he goes, leaving her looking like she's drowning in awfsome sauce.
Gilbert Gables: Jenna, who looks adorable in '50s garb, tries to make small talk with Elena, telling her she can continue to use her car for now (Elena's is totaled), and how she's going to help chaperone the '50s dance with Alaric. Elena cuts to the chase. She wants to know about her adoption and why Jenna never told her. Jenna insists Elena's mother was going to tell her, eventually, but she never got the chance on account of dying and all. Elena is, I believe, a junior in high school. Her parents died May 23, 2009 -- so at the tail-end of her sophomore year. When, exactly, were they going to tell her? The people who have been adopted into my family were never *told* they were adopted, because they never didn't know they were adopted. It was always part of the life story their parents told them, just like my kids know when I went into labor with them and yada yada yada.
The only person I knew who had an adoption moment-of-discovery was a girl I went to college with. She was from an extremely conservative family and is one of those people who grew up thinking her grandmother was her mother, and that her mother was her sister. It was a traumatic discovery, to say the least. I'm not really digging this whole Elena-is-adopted angle. As I understand (thanks to my daughter) it wasn't in the books, and I can't see why Katherine can't be related to the Gilbert and/or Sommers families. There'd better be a good pay-off for this, or I'm going to start a complaints file dedicated to the genealogy issues on this show. Oh, can I go more off-track for a moment? Thanks. Several readers wrote in and/or tweeted at me to explain that in some fantasy stories, witchiness is a matrilineal trait and in such families, sometimes the women pass their surnames onto their daughters, and so the whole Emily Bennett/Sheila-Whomever/Bonnie Bennett surname puzzle might be solved as simply as that. Thank you, kind readers. If that's the case here, I hope we get the explanation, soon. All I know about Charmed I learned from watching Demian twitch and shudder in the corner at its mere mention, years after it was "CANCELLED": It is of the Devil and an abomination against God. Sorry. I didn't want to forget that, but we were right in the middle of Elena's adoption story, weren't we? Let's give it a fresh paragraph.
Elena's father, Grayson, was a doctor. Years ago, a 16-year-old runaway appeared at his office, just as he was closing up for the night. She was just about to give birth, so he delivered the baby, right there and then. He gave her a place to stay, but soon thereafter, the girl disappeared, leaving the baby behind. Now Miranda and Grayson had been trying, without success, to conceive, so they decided to keep the baby. Since Grayson was a doctor, he falsified a birth certificate, because that's so much more sensible than reporting the incident to the authorities and then trying to adopt the baby (or another baby) outright. I mean -- what adoption agent in his or her right mind would ever let a doctor and his wife adopt a baby? You can't give a baby to just anyone, you know? Eyeroll. Yeah, that bit of plotting sucks only a little less than Duncan Kane -- billionaire -- can't get custody of his own kid. Like I said, there'd better be payoff -- payoff as good as Duncan Kane -- billionaire -- finally leaving Veronica Mars. At any rate, all Jenna knows about Elena's biological mother is that her name was Isabel. We cut to...
Mossy Manse: Damon is writing down a list of names:
Benjamin Lockwood. John (sic?) Gilbert Honoria Fell William F (rest of name obscured -- I'm thinking Forbes)
When Stefan walks in, Damon cracks, "You've got the hair right," and since otherwise, I have no idea what to do with that, I'm marking it down as another crack at Twilight. Stefan probably doesn't know what it means either, so he just ignores it and gives Damon their father's journal, since he figures that's why Damon was ransacking their library. Damon asks, "Why would I want it?" Stefan says, "Gee, I don't know, Damon. Maybe you want to do a little bit of posthumous bonding." Nowhere in it does it say anything about Katherine, the tomb or how to open it. Doing his very best Angelus-deadpan, Stefan adds, "I'm very sorry that it won't be any help with your Diabolical Plan: The Sequel." Damon gives his brother a false smile, but Stefan ignores that too and offers to help Damon release Katherine (although not the other 26 vampires who are trapped along with her). He'll do anything to help get Damon out of town, and then so immodestly points out that he's the honest brother and Damon's the dirty rotten liar. That right there is when he tipped his hand, to me at least, that he's probably lying. And I'm thinking if I can smell a lie, Damon can practically taste it, but I digress. Anyhow, Stefan leaves Damon to think over his offer and we cut to...
Gilbert Gables: The ACTUAL VAMPIRE COMPASS lies open on Elena's bed, because she's not at all afraid that her brother Jeremy, from whom it was stolen, will see it and incorrectly assume she was the thief. Oh, no. She's too busy primping for the dance to think. You can tell, because she goes into the bathroom to dry her already dry hair -- her already dry hair which is already arranged over a Bumpit -- her already dry hair which is already arranged over a Bumpit and which is already being held back with a headband. Yeah, she's blow-drying it. But if she didn't do things in this order, she'd hear the ACTUAL VAMPIRE COMPASS whirling and whirring, way too soon. So it whirls and whirrs while the blow dryer blows dry her already dry hair until it looks COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY THE SAME as it did before. She then opens her closet, and that sound somehow also masks the whirling and whirring. And finally, after she grabs a pink scarf, she hears the damned thing. She grabs it and her phone and dials Stefan, but does she hide in the bathroom, or some other sensible place? No, she wanders the house looking for the vampire. Meanwhile, at Mossy Manse, Damon hears a phone ringing and answers it: "Stefan's phone." Hee. I love that Evil Pixie Monster, despite myself. It seems Stefan left his phone behind, so Damon and Elena decide that the compass must be acting up because Stefan has arrived at Gilbert Gables. The vampire who is camped out on the FRIGGING CEILING probably disagrees. As soon as Elena hangs up, the vampire swoops down, grabs her, and lunges for her neck. Elena screams. Stefan materializes in the room, grabs the vamp off of her. They struggle for but a moment, and then the vamp zooms out of the house. Stefan holds Elena tightly as she tries to climb back into her own skin. Nina Dobrev, by the way, rocks the freaked-out vibe in this scene. I want to hug her too, and set aside some of this week's batch of pudding I've made for Matt, and give it to Elena. Stefan can feed it to her, though. It's not Lesbian Friendship Pudding, not that there's anything wrong with that -- other than the name, that is. Commercial.
After the break, Damon arrives and they explain that Humpty Dumpty gained access to Gilbert Gables thanks to his clever Pizza Boy disguise. Since there were no reports of an actual pizza delivery man being mauled by a "wild animal" though, I'd like to think that Humpty Dumpty actually has to work delivering pizzas -- because how much would that suck? Oh, you can be an immortal bloodsucker, but you've got to spend the rest of your existence delivering food to cranky, hungry people who are frequently drunk. Enjoy! Anyhow, Stefan very pointedly reminds Damon that Humpty Dumpty has been invited in, and then they decide to use Elena as bait. Stefan and Damon will both accompany her to the '50s dance and try to smoke him out. Elena says that with the two of them, she'll be safe, and my soul dies a little as I yearn for Buffy, who could go to the dance on her own, thank you very much, even if she had to kill off some hellhounds on her way.
The Big Dance: There's some freaky video on in the background, which I think is supposed to provide period atmosphere to the kids, but all I can think of is that kid Karl on Lost, who was being brainwashed in Room 23. That's probably because the final season of Lost premieres Tuesday, February 2nd. Be there, or be found. Anyhow, Caroline's dancing. Bonnie's dancing. Alaric is walking around in a Letterman's jacket, look all impossibly sexy, and when he sees Elena with Stefan and the guy who killed his wife (Damon), he glares and looks even sexier. Then Jenna walks up to bask in the sexiness. You go, girl. When Elena meets up with the girls, Caroline says that the dance (which she was just enjoying the hell out of) isn't very good, but since her look took about two hours, she's staying for at least half that time. She hasn't gotten all of her crankiness out though, because when Bonnie asks Elena what Damon is doing there, Caroline sneers at her. "So what, is this like a threesome, now? You and the Salvatore brothers?" Elena deflects the snark and points out that if she wants to be with Stefan, she's going to have to learn to tolerate his brother. Crappy cover story, Elena, because I think everyone within earshot knows how contemptuous Stefan is of Damon, but your friends seem to buy it, so who am I to judge? Anyhow, when Elena cracks that she can't kill him, Bonnie sighs dreamily. "There's a thought." Caroline agree and they clink their glasses and imagine the possibilities.
Meanwhile, Jenna proves herself to be as crappy at flirting as she is at being a guardian, because here she is with the alarmingly attractive Alaric, asking him about his dead wife. Oh, Jenna. Alaric, for his part, acts like he's not unwilling to talk about it, but he of course doesn't reveal anything about his wife's death other than that he's still searching for answers.
Across the gym, Damon looks around at all the couples dancing and then approaches Bonnie and Caroline and completely ignores Caroline while he asks Bonnie to dance. Bonnie tells him to get lost, but when Damon begs for another chance, Bonnie walks away. Caroline moves in and tells him, "Back off, Damon," and I can't help but think she's hoping for a little acknowledgement, but Damon isn't giving any. Elena and Stefan wander up and wonder what he did to chase off the girls. Damon says he doesn't know what happened. "I was perfectly polite," and it's delicious that no one believes him when he's telling the truth. At any rate, he smiles at his brother's girlfriend. "Elena, would you like to dance." Elena smiles twice as brightly as she says, "I would love to," and then turns to Stefan and says, "May I have this dance." They smile smugly at Damon as they make their way to the dance floor. Humpty Dumpty lurks in the shadows, with his hood up, because that's not at all suspicious at a '50s dance, and we make our way to commercial.
As he dances with Elena, Stefan scans the crowd for this vampire he's never seen, so finally Elena sets Stefan up to give us a MYTHOLOGY MOMENT: These vampires are not gifted with any sort of way to sense one another. This seems not to quite square with the fact that he immediately knew Vicki was turning into a vampire, but I'll give the show the benefit of the doubt. He may just have recognized her behavior, after all. When he asks Elena if she sees anyone specific, she says, "Not unless he has a pompadour." Stefan cracks that that wasn't one of the better fashion trends, which makes me think he hasn't looked in a mirror lately, even though these vampires can. I mean, he doesn't have a pompadour, but if you accused him of having the post-modern version of one, I'm not sure how he could defend himself. Oh hey, maybe that's what Damon's hair snark was all about. Elena wants to see vintage pictures of Stefan but he insists they're all burned and buried. She also wants to know about the '50s. In her head, it's all American Bandstand and Grease, varsity sweaters, and milkshakes. Stefan, the socially conscious vampire can't let her get away with romantic imagery, even at a high school dance. "That and... you know, McCarthyism and segregation, and the nuclear arms race." Elena, bless, won't let him pee on her parade. "Okay, but there were poodle skirts." Stefan echoes her: "There were poodle skirts." Elena laughs and tells him he's so teaching her how to hand jive. Stefan's all no way, but in a cute way, because these two do make an adorable couple. It's nice to see them have some awesome together, after all the awfsome.
Jeremy's working the punch station when who should appear but his new groupie stalker, Anna. He's a bit taken aback by her presence at the dance and accuses her of pretending they're dating when they're not. She mocks him. "Oh, you mean stalking... yeah," then promptly tells him to get over himself. She's never been to a school dance. "Humor me." Is anyone else who has any experience with current school safety policy, sitting around in wide-eyed wonder at the utter lack of security at this dance on school grounds? Dear Mystic Falls School Committee: This is a post-Columbine world. Why can any adult show up and assume a chaperone role? How can 20-something year old (looking) men like Damon and Humpty Dumpty have the run of the place? What the hell is wrong with you people? Where's She's-the-Sheriff?
The Grill: Bonnie and Caroline have left the dance for greener pastures. When Caroline realizes Bonnie has her eye on Ben McKittrick, she condescends that he's a "washed up jock who pours drinks for a living." Of course our poor Pudding Pop Matt walks up behind them just in time to hear that -- and of course he's carrying a tub full of empty glasses that were filled by that washed up jock. Matt looks horrified at first, but quickly resigns himself to the situation and walks by Caroline with nary a glance. When she shouts out to him, he keeps going without looking back. He just barely manages to grunt, "What's up?," in a voice as cold as Bonnie's... ladies in a brass bra.
The Dance: Damon is looking longingly at the dancers when Alaric and actually takes notice that an unknown adult is standing there watching minors dance. Oh and of course, that's probably only because recognizes Damon as his wife's killer, but still, at least he noticed. He introduces himself and notes that he's the new history teacher. Damon makes a Harry Potteresque reference to that being the cursed faculty position. Damon introduces himself. Alaric recognizes the surname thanks to Stefan, who hasn't yet shown up in class. Damon says he's Stefan's guardian and brother, but that there's been family drama keeping Stefan out of school. Alaric pumps him for information on where he lives and where he's traveled, and at that last bit, Damon becomes a little more closed-mouth. Alaric gets the hint and makes himself scarce before he completely tips his hand to Damon. From the look on Damon's face as he watches Alaric walk away though, I think he shut up a little too late.
The Grill: Caroline whines that the night was better on paper, so Bonnie tells her to be bold and fearless, and go talk to Matt. Caroline tries to nab Bonnie on her hypocrisy, since she's been "eye-stalking" the bartender all night, but Bonnie calls her bluff. She walks right up to the bar, explains that she's being brave to teach a friend a lesson and asks Ben McKittrick on a date. He's not at all interested in her suggestion of karaoke, but is way interested in going on a date. Bonnie's more than a little thrilled. Back at the table, when Matt walks by without even looking at her, Caroline calls him out. "Seriously?" He pretends to be surprised that she directed that at him, so she asks if he's mad. He makes a show out of being busy. When she accuses him of avoiding her, he says, "No. I have a table to clean. That's the kind of thing that washed-up jocks do to make a living." When he walks away, Caroline dies a little.
Dance: Anna brings cups to the punch table at the school dance being held in the school she doesn't attend. Jeremy reminds her that she doesn't have to help, but she says it's fun. She then asks to borrow his ancestor's journal. Jeremy explains he doesn't have it, because he loaned it to his history teacher. Anna cannot keep her agitation out of her voice. "Why did you give it to him. [...] You shouldn't be giving that to just... anybody." Germ laughs. "But I should give it to you?" Edgily, Anna asks him to loan it to her. He says, "I loaned it to Mr. Saltzman." Anna suggests they see if it's in his classroom. "We can get it back." Jeremy asks her what the big deal is, "with this stupid journal." Anna stares at him and we hear the crackle before we see the visual effects. SHE STARTS TO VAMP OUT! Awesome. I so did not see that coming. Jeremy doesn't seem to know what he's seeing. He says, "Your eye," with some alarm, so Anna turns away from him and says that there's something in it. "Forget it. I gotta go." Although her face relaxes, she keeps her back to him and walks out. Jeremy looks upset as he watches after her, and again, because he's been brainwashed by Damon, I can't help but wonder how he's processing everything. I can't help but wonder when the thrall will wear off.
Stefan and Elena are slow dancing and being generally darling as they debate whether or not Humpty Dumpty will show. When the tune changes (to a modernized version "Great Balls of Fire") Elena begs Stefan to show her how it was done in the '50s. He refuses, so she pouts and starts to turn away, but he grabs her arm, pulls her back, twirls her around, lifts her and swings her to one side of him, and then to the other, in a classic jitterbug move, then dips her for good measure. Before he rights her again, she's already extremely impressed, but once he gets her back to her full height, he grabs her and kisses her with a passion and purpose I didn't expect from him, but am so glad to see. Elena doesn't seem to mind, either. When their lips part, he says, "Now you remember that, because it's never going to happen again," but don't worry dears, I'm sure he means the dance move, not the kiss. Elena is too, because she laughs (instead of cries) and they kiss again.
Meanwhile, Anna wanders the dark hallways of MFHS. She and Humpty Dumpty face off at opposite ends of a corridor, but are soon in one another's face. They clearly know each other, and she reminds him that she's sticking to the plan and trying to get the journal, then chides him for going off book and stalking Elena. "Leave the girl alone." He says he likes her. "She looks like Katherine." Anna reminds him that she's not Katherine who is still stuck in that tomb. Humpty intends to play with Elena until they get the tomb open. Anna cautions him not to be stupid. "She's with the Salvatore brothers." Humpty says they don't scare him and never have. He's going to keep on keeping on. "She looks like Katherine."
We return from break to find Damon dirty dancing with a random blonde. He then breaks into a Tango, because what other dance would you do to, "My Boyfriend's Back"? Elena and Stefan laugh that you really can't take him anywhere, but I don't know. At least he's having fun. What am I talking about? Oh, the pretty sucks me in so easy. Start spiking the punch with Vervain, stat. Damn, now I wish Stefan had done that. Anyhow, the young lovers' laughter is cut short when Elena spies a hooded figure in the back corner. When Stefan takes off after him and leaves Elena alone to get Damon to help her, I know this is a fake-out, but it's still pretty effective. When Stefan corners the hooded figure by the lockers, he somehow knows he's not a vamp. So maybe he can sense humans, but not vamps, but then wouldn't he assume a humanoid was a vampire if he couldn't sense the humanoid's humanity? (Don't even bring robots into this, okay?) Oh, bother. Never mind. Let's move forward. I'm afraid I'm nitpicking because I have had a headache for a couple of days and using my computer seems to make it worse. I think I might need glasses. Shut up. Anyhow, I actually enjoyed this episode terrifically and am enjoying myself right now, despite the headache.
So, while Stefan's learning that this dumb teenager took a hoodie from some guy because the guy told him to (there had to be thrall involved, yeah) and played decoy in a game he doesn't even know is taking place, Elena is scanning the crowded dance floor for Damon -- when her phone rings. It's Humpty and he tells her she has five seconds to walk through the door behind her. When she refuses, he reveals he's standing right behind Jeremy, and can snap his neck so fast, people won't even see it happen. She looks up and makes eye contact with her new stalker and orders him not to touch her brother, even as she follows his directions. When she's out in the hallway, she runs, searching for an exit. Does she not know about vampire's super-hearing, because I'd totally be calling out Stefan's name and Damon's, even in a normal voice. Anyhow, she runs down the hall and although it's not choreographed the same way, her run reminds me of Buffy's in Becoming and I feel sorry that she's a victim, even though I'm enjoying the fact that she's not a superhero.
When Elena reaches a set of double doors that are chain-locked, my mind moves from Buffy to poor Jenny Calendar, but Humpty Dumpty is no Angelus. When he finally gets Elena alone in the cafeteria, there's no chillingly cool neck snap. Instead, the throws her body across a table, and she knocks papers, books, and pencils to the floor as she slides off. Elena, smart girl that she is, grabs the pencils immediately. When he moves in for the kill, he drags Elena to her feet, which gives her time to stab him in the gut with a pencil. She plunges another one right into his hand! And then I think she gets him again, but she never gets his heart. He loses his balance and slips on the scattered sheets of paper, though, which gives her a moment to grab a mop and break the wooden handle over her skinny little shin. She grunts and plunges right for his heart, but he grabs the would-be stake and stops her, cold. He throws it across the room and lunges for her neck. Elena screams and once again, Stefan materializes and pulls Humpty off his girl. Stefan throws him to the ground. Humpty rises with a roar, only to be interrupted by Damon yelling, "Hey, dickhead!" No. Really. Apparently the CW doesn't have the dosh for a Standards & Practice review and in this case, I'm so glad, because that was hysterical.
Damon, holding Elena's makeshift stake, tells Humpty that no one wants to kill him; they just want to talk. Humpty's not in the same mood so he leaps toward Stefan and Elena. Damon tosses the stake to Stefan who jams it in Humpty's gut and engages in a little bit of Jack Bauereque torture, which is fun, since Paul Wesley has done a few episodes of 24. He even nearly says, "Tell me who you're working for!" but I'm getting ahead of myself. Stefan keeps jamming the stake in and out of Humpty, who taunts the Brothers Salvatore that he too knows Katherine, and berates them for not even remembering him. "Oh, you thought you were the only ones." Damon wants to know how to get in the tomb. All they get out of him is that they need the grimoire and should check Jonathan Gilbert's journal to find out where it is. Elena, for her part, looks horrified at that last bit, and well, at everything. When Stefan wants to know who Humpty is working for with, we see that Anna has been looking on from out in the hallway. She backs away, into the shadow, just as Alaric appears from around a corner and heads in the same direction. To give Humpty his due, he doesn't give up Anna, and instead tells the Salvatores they'll have to kill him. Damon gives Stefan the "Oh, whatever" look. Stefan pulls the stake out of Humpty's gut. Humpty cries out in pain and Stefan gives him a moment to collect himself, and then without even wincing, he stakes Humpty, right in the heart, leaving me with the conviction that Stefan is the most dangerous vampire we've met on this show to date. I love that he's such a study in contrasts. Well done, Show. Well done. Elena watches with her mouth hanging open, and finally manages to ask how they're going to find the other vampires in town, now. Damon simply says, "He had to die." Stefan slowly and calmly says, "Elena... he's been invited in."
As the weight of Stefan's words hang in the air, the trio hears a door out in the hallway and they look in time to see Alaric pass by. It's not clear what he sees in the cafeteria, but he certainly must see Elena and the boys, at least. Stefan gives Damon his marching orders. "Go. I've got this." Damon scurries off after Alaric, and eventually gives him the Stealth-Salvatore treatment. He asks Alaric where he was going. Alaric says he was looking for a Miss Hilton. Damon then asks why he's in Mystic Falls and turns on his thrall-eyes to ensure he gets the truth. Alaric says, "Got a job as a teacher." Damon asks, "Do you know what I am?" Alaric answers, "You're my student's brother." Damon: "Is everything you're telling me the truth?" Alaric: "Yes." Damon's eyes flash again. "Then forget we had this conversation." He walks away and leaves Alaric blinking and standing in the hallway. It's only once Damon's out of sight that Alaric unclenches his fist to reveal it is full of Vervain! Woo hoo.
After the commercial break, Damon and Stefan put all the pieces together and Stefan tells Damon that his offer still stands. He'll help Damon. "No lies. No deception. I'm there when you open that tomb. You and Katherine go. The other 26 vampires die." Damon wonders why he should trust Stefan, and since this is the second time they've driven this home, I'm going to say he shouldn't and probably doesn't. But Stefan's answer remains consistent and believable: "Because I want you gone." Damon looks vulnerable, don't you think, as he looks his brother in the eye. Stefan, on the other hand, looks the current cock o' the walk.
The Grill: Caroline tries to apologize to Matt and differentiate between him and Ben McKittrick, but Matt's not taking her rationalizations. He doesn't want to get into it now, so Caroline asks when he gets off work. He dives right into the talk despite what he just said and says he likes what's going on between them, but knows she wants to take the step. Caroline calls him on his hubris. "How do you know that? Have you even asked me?" Matt wisely avoids a direct answer but then stupidly answers that he's not over Elena, or at least -- he doesn't know if he is. He's afraid to make their friendship romantic, because it's the only good thing he's got going for him right now, and if he messes things up, he'll just disappoint and hurt her. Caroline's response is particularly forthright, and I think admirable, if bitter. "Well, big problem, Matt. You took the step all by yourself. You played the whole thing out in your head and you decided to bail without even giving it a shot. So this... really great thing that we have? Don't worry about losing it. 'Cause it's already gone." And with that, she walks off. And we cut to...
Gilbert Gables Front Porch: Jenna thanks Alaric for the evening and seeing her home. They exchange pleasantries and he apologizes for all the wife talk (that she initiated). He says, "It doesn't bode well for dating." Hopeful, Jenna asks if this was a date. Her face falls when Alaric says it definitely wasn't, but she recovers as soon as he proposes a real date on Friday, with dinner, a movie, and everything. She's blushingly amenable and so eager that she assures him he can talk about his wife all he wants. Tch. She knows it takes time to heal and they should just be themselves. Alaric smiles. "But still, I think I'll keep the ISABEL talk to a minimum." I have to interrupt myself to apologize to the show for not thinking there would be a suitable pay-off to this adoption storyline. Really, I'm truly sorry, Show. You surprise me every week. I don't know why I doubted you. Alaric's late wife -- the one DAMON killed -- is Elena's birth mother? Are you freaking kidding me? That's just scrumptious. Love. Love. Love. There's a lot of speculation going on as to whether or not Alaric is her father. At this moment, I'm so gobsmacked I cannot hazard any guess other than that the show will make it work, whether he is or not. Anyhow, the name Isabel is not lost on Jenna, by the way, so she asks Alaric where Isabel was from. Alaric answers that she was from Virginia -- not too far from Mystic Falls. Dun dun dun! We cut to...
City Streets: Caroline's walking alone, in the dark, when Matt pulls up in his pick-up and tells her to get in. He calls her "Care" but she ignores him and continues her angry stomp, so he hops out and confronts her. When she tries to cross the street in front of his truck, he stops her with a kiss almost as purposeful as the one Stefan gave Elena at the dance. Finally, he looks at her and smiles. "This will never work." Caroline smiles back at him, and they kiss again, for a good amount of time, until, sadly, we cut to...
Gilbert Gables: Stefan makes Elena some tea and they recap the night. She's surprised to find herself feeling a bit exhilarated. Stefan chalks that up to the adrenaline rush and says she'll soon crash, but I don't know. I think it's the rush of being a female supernatural-drama character -- one who does not have super-powers, and yet has retained some agency. That sentence was a mess, but you know what I mean. Sure, the Salvatores had to swoop into her rescue, but a human male would have required the same assistance. What matters to me is that Elena tried, and because she tried she survived long enough to give them time to find and save her. She fought for her life, and tonight at least, she won. I'm so proud of you, E. She's proud of herself for the same reasons, which makes me even prouder, somehow. Stefan interrupts our girl-power moment to make a confession. He tells her he's promised to help Damon free Katherine. And then, he tells her... IT'S ALL A LIE. He doesn't want to be Damon's enemy, but he can't let him free Katherine. Elena says she'll do whatever it takes to help him, and they settle in for a nice safe snog on the couch. And I believe him 99.99% when he tells Elena that he's telling her about his ruse with Damon because he doesn't want to give Damon ammunition to come between them, but Stefan has been so wonderfully bad-ass in this episode, a teeny bit of me wonders if it's Elena he's fooling, and half of that teeny bit hopes that it is (or that at least, his motives are mixed). I'm sorry. It's the adrenaline, y'all.
Grill; exterior: Anna watches from across the way as Ben McKittrick locks up for the night. After he starts off down the sidewalk, she vamps out and Stealth-Salvatores him. He turns just in time, grabs her, VAMPS OUT TOO, (poor Bonnie) and shoves her against a building. He warns her not to sneak up on him. She tells him, "You love it." He relaxes and asks her where "Noah" is. That's Humpty's name, apparently. She tells him how nobody will be putting Humpty back together this time. Ben calls her on her lack of concern, but she says it was his own fault. She then asks, "How'd you do?" Ben smiles like he's full of himself. "Oh, the witch is totally crushing on me." Oh, no. Poor Bonnie, indeed. Anna admits that although she didn't get the journal, she knows where it is and she will get it. Ben smiles at her, leans in towards her and they kiss, too. This is a kissy night. "Mr. Sandman" plays as Anna smiles in a way that is anything but twee, and they walk off into the dark. Where they belong. (With Spike.)
Like a lot of fans, I'm wondering when Ben was turned and how/why he cares about Katherine, but I am booking myself on the Wait-N-See bus tour, because this show's Wait-N-See bus actually stops at interesting places. I'll see you at the end of the week, with the episode: "Fool Me Once." In the meantime, go out and kiss someone who wants to kiss you back. There's nothing like it.
Cindy McLennan might be more scared of Stefan than she is of the Evil Pixie Monster. How about you? Let her know at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or on Twitter.