Step right up, and plop yourselves right down on your favorite couch for guilty-pleasure TV at its most recent, if not its finest. The Vampire Diaries is one of those shows that's bound to suck me in by my carotid, and if I wasn't getting paid to tell you about it, I might never admit that unless under oath. But watch it, I did. Yessirreebob. And are you ready? Because this is so bad it's gooooooooooooooood.
Recently orphaned 17-year-old Elena (Nina Dobrev) and 15-year-old Jeremy Gilbert (Steve R. McQueen; oh yeah, babies, grandson of the Steve McQueen), live in Mystic Falls, Virginia, with their cool grad-student Aunt Jenna (Sarah Canning), who has to remind herself she's the grownup of the family. Elena is trying to get back to normal by hanging with her probably-psychic friend, Bonnie (Katerina Graham) and frenemy Caroline (Candice Accola), so she saves all her orphaned-teenaged-angst for her journal -- which she updates IN THE LOCAL CEMETERY! Brother Jeremy is getting back to normal by getting high and drunk, selling drugs and chasing after Vicki Donovan (Kayla Ellwell) who only sees him as a three-night-stand, or three one-night-stands (or her favorite dealer who takes trade). Vicki prefers to hook up with Jeremy's arch-rival, Taylor (Michael Trevino), at least until he morphs into a date-rapist. Taylor looks like the love child of Zach Braff and Eric Balfour, but I digress. He is BFFs with Matt (Zach Roerig), who is not only Vicki's brother, but also Elena's ex (and pines for her, still).
Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley) is the new hottie in town, but this is a CW show, so everyone is young and beautiful, thus the term hottie is reduced to redundancy. He lives with his uncle Zach (but Stefan's actually Zach's uncle of sorts, and possibly his own grandpa; we'll get there, I'm sure), who is way less cool than Elena's aunt, because he's all over Stefan about getting control of himself and not killing people and blah blah blah bloodpudding-cakes. The thing is, Stefan hasn't killed anyone. At least, not recently. Parents (and guardians, and pseudo-uncle-nephews) just don't understand! Stefan is a vampire, you see, but he's trying to "live at peace with humans" (the CW's words, not mine). I'd just say: "It's different, he has a soul now. Or a chip. Or principles...or something," but I'm trying to keep my Buffy the Vampire Slayer Tourette's in check as much as I can (and I'm not doing a great job). Anyhow, Stefan also has a big-ass crush on Elena, not least of all because she looks just like his long lost love circa 1864, Katherine. Stefan keeps a journal too, just like Elena. Isn't that incredible? Surely, this is fate!
But... Fear not, fang hags, this is not all schmoop. At 42 minutes in, Stefan's big-bad big brother Damon (Ian Somerhalder) appears, and he is as bad as he is pretty, and is about as pleased that his brother is off human blood as Spike was when the Gypsies re-ensouled Angel. Damon attacks Vicki, but doesn't kill her, which leaves her to whisper to her brother that a vampire got her. What's more, Damon fights with Stefan, because obviously Katherine (and her newest doppelganger, Elena) was the thorn between these two painfully beautiful roses.
Before, meanwhile, and after, Stefan and Elena make goo-goo eyes at each other, and are utterly twipperpated, much to the chagrin of Matt and Caroline. The episode closes with Damon making pedophile-eyes at Caroline at the local hang-out where she's gone to sober up, as Stefan goes to Elena's and finally receives a proper invite (which he needs, because? Vampire).
All and all, I'd say this is a must-add to your fall schedule, but I have a few nitpicks. Look, I'm an unapologetic narrator junkie. Veronica Mars voice-overs and Pushing Daisies narration rocked my world, but even though the premise here is that we're getting a look-see into the diaries of Stefan and Elena, I hope the diarist-style narration is dialed down at some point -- soon. It was okay tonight, but it should be applied with the lightest of hands, once the premise is established (which I think happened tonight). Also, the crow and the fog were... corny. Now, I'm not against corn, but please don't give me high-fructose corn syrup, m'kay? I know Thursday nights are a heavy one, but God didn't make dual-tuner TiVos for nothing, my loves, and the pretty in this show flows right into the pretty on Supernatural. Come on, get sucked in. I reckon this is the most embarrassing show you'll ever love -- at least this season. I'll catch you on the flip side with the full weecap.
Discuss this episode in our VD forums, then see what vloggers Val and Beth think of ancient vampires dating teenagers in TV is the Answer. And check back soon for that weecap!