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Step right up, and plop yourselves right down on your favorite couch for guilty-pleasure TV at its most recent, if not its finest. The Vampire Diaries is one of those shows that's bound to suck me in by my carotid, and if I wasn't getting paid to tell you about it, I might never admit that unless under oath. But watch it, I did. Yessirreebob. And are you ready? Because this is so bad it's gooooooooooooooood.
Recently orphaned 17-year-old Elena (Nina Dobrev) and 15-year-old Jeremy Gilbert (Steve R. McQueen; oh yeah, babies, grandson of the Steve McQueen), live in Mystic Falls, Virginia, with their cool grad-student Aunt Jenna (Sarah Canning), who has to remind herself she's the grownup of the family. Elena is trying to get back to normal by hanging with her probably-psychic friend, Bonnie (Katerina Graham) and frenemy Caroline (Candice Accola), so she saves all her orphaned-teenaged-angst for her journal -- which she updates IN THE LOCAL CEMETERY! Brother Jeremy is getting back to normal by getting high and drunk, selling drugs and chasing after Vicki Donovan (Kayla Ellwell) who only sees him as a three-night-stand, or three one-night-stands (or her favorite dealer who takes trade). Vicki prefers to hook up with Jeremy's arch-rival, Taylor (Michael Trevino), at least until he morphs into a date-rapist. Taylor looks like the love child of Zach Braff and Eric Balfour, but I digress. He is BFFs with Matt (Zach Roerig), who is not only Vicki's brother, but also Elena's ex (and pines for her, still).
Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley) is the new hottie in town, but this is a CW show, so everyone is young and beautiful, thus the term hottie is reduced to redundancy. He lives with his uncle Zach (but Stefan's actually Zach's uncle of sorts, and possibly his own grandpa; we'll get there, I'm sure), who is way less cool than Elena's aunt, because he's all over Stefan about getting control of himself and not killing people and blah blah blah bloodpudding-cakes. The thing is, Stefan hasn't killed anyone. At least, not recently. Parents (and guardians, and pseudo-uncle-nephews) just don't understand! Stefan is a vampire, you see, but he's trying to "live at peace with humans" (the CW's words, not mine). I'd just say: "It's different, he has a soul now. Or a chip. Or principles...or something," but I'm trying to keep my Buffy the Vampire Slayer Tourette's in check as much as I can (and I'm not doing a great job). Anyhow, Stefan also has a big-ass crush on Elena, not least of all because she looks just like his long lost love circa 1864, Katherine. Stefan keeps a journal too, just like Elena. Isn't that incredible? Surely, this is fate!
But... Fear not, fang hags, this is not all schmoop. At 42 minutes in, Stefan's big-bad big brother Damon (Ian Somerhalder) appears, and he is as bad as he is pretty, and is about as pleased that his brother is off human blood as Spike was when the Gypsies re-ensouled Angel. Damon attacks Vicki, but doesn't kill her, which leaves her to whisper to her brother that a vampire got her. What's more, Damon fights with Stefan, because obviously Katherine (and her newest doppelganger, Elena) was the thorn between these two painfully beautiful roses.
Before, meanwhile, and after, Stefan and Elena make goo-goo eyes at each other, and are utterly twipperpated, much to the chagrin of Matt and Caroline. The episode closes with Damon making pedophile-eyes at Caroline at the local hang-out where she's gone to sober up, as Stefan goes to Elena's and finally receives a proper invite (which he needs, because? Vampire).
All and all, I'd say this is a must-add to your fall schedule, but I have a few nitpicks. Look, I'm an unapologetic narrator junkie. Veronica Mars voice-overs and Pushing Daisies narration rocked my world, but even though the premise here is that we're getting a look-see into the diaries of Stefan and Elena, I hope the diarist-style narration is dialed down at some point -- soon. It was okay tonight, but it should be applied with the lightest of hands, once the premise is established (which I think happened tonight). Also, the crow and the fog were... corny. Now, I'm not against corn, but please don't give me high-fructose corn syrup, m'kay? I know Thursday nights are a heavy one, but God didn't make dual-tuner TiVos for nothing, my loves, and the pretty in this show flows right into the pretty on Supernatural. Come on, get sucked in. I reckon this is the most embarrassing show you'll ever love -- at least this season. I'll catch you on the flip side with the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below! It was a dark and stormy night... What's that -- you say you don't like cheese? I don't believe you, because you've been sleeping outside the cheese factory just salivating for your first free sample, so let's dispense with the pretense. Originally an artisan product handcrafted by Y.A. author L.J. Smith, The Vampire Diaries is now in the hands of corporate cheese: Outer Banks Entertainment, Alloy Entertainment, and Warner Bros, who have brought on accomplished cheesemakers Kevin Williamson (Scream, and some other little show that will always be the big cheese [head cheese; five-head cheese] 'round these parts) and Julie Plec (Kyle XY) to oversee mass production. Williamson and Plec must be doing something right, because they have won over an initially skeptical L.J. Smith, and the series premiere of The Vampire Diaries drew an audience of 4.91 million viewers (cancellation levels for the real networks, but those are the biggest ratings for any CW premiere. Ever). With that said, I do believe it's now "Time for Timer", so please follow me to the tasting room, if you hanker for a hunk of cheese. If you're at least 21, you may want to grab a bottle of something, to wash it down. If you're under 21, you'll learn within the hour that drinking is bad, bad, very bad for you young'uns, so I'll preach no more.Now where were we? Lessee -- it's a dark and stormy night, well okay, it's foggy, or soon will be. Take a moment and get used to it, as over a shot of a fog filled forest, Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley) narrates that for over a century he's lived in secret, hiding in the shadows, "Until now. I am a vampire and this is my story." Did anyone else go here? I am a vampire. I am a vampire. Just me, then. M'kay.
Cut to a 20-something couple driving through the night. The man (who we'll later learn is named Darren) complains about the concert they've just seen. "He sounded like James Blunt." The woman (Brooke) asks what's wrong with that. The man keeps his eyes on the road. "We already have a James Blunt. One's all we need." Somewhere, James Blunt -- not knowing why he feels a bit put off -- dedicates "You're Beautiful" to Brooke. Blind to her role in this international love triangle, Brooke laughs and asks Darren why he went to the concert. Darren steals a sidelong glance. "Because I love you." Oh dear, bye-bye Mr. Nice Boyfriend Guy.
Here it comes. The fog thickens. A dark figure stands in the middle of the road. Darren doesn't see him in time. THWACK! The figure bounces off the windshield, onto the roof, and over the top of the SUV, landing in the middle of the road, sort of like Olympia Snowe, or the Blue Dogs. As the couple comes to terms with their (mistaken) assumption that they've hit a human being, I yell, "That's about the oldest vamp trick in the book. Run, run, hit and run, it's a thing!" They don't listen. They never do. Darren brings his car to a screeching halt and tells Brooke to call for help, as he goes to tend to his victim. Sucker. Make that suckee. "Please be alive. Please be alive." Darren grabs Road-Kill's wrist, but the camera lingers on the unusual and unusually large ring Road-Kill's sporting. Not knowing he's in a vampire show and therefore that Road-Kill probably hasn't had a pulse in yonks, Darren freaks, thinking he's taken a life, even though he's clearly on the give side of that equation. Road-Kill springs up with a snarl, grabs Darren by the throat and sinks his fangs in, deep.
Brooke misses the commotion, because she can't get a signal on her cell phone. And of course, she gets out of the car to tell Darren that very thing, but Darren is nowhere to be found. CRASH! Oh, okay. There he is. Behind her, Darren's lifeless body is unceremoniously plopped onto the SUV's hood. Face flushed, hands clenched, she turns, screams and runs off through the flowing fog (which had been ebbing). Brooke is grabbed by an unseen force from above (and I don't think it's an angel), and screams again as we watch her ascent into what is surely not heaven. As we fade out, I like to imagine a single tear drops down James Blunt's cheek as he breaks into "Goodbye My Lover" then wonders who Brooke even is. Regardless? Title Card.
Over Stefan's shoulder, we watch the sunrise along with him. SUNRISE! The hell? This is a vampire show and I'm quite sure he's a vampire. Is he suicidal? It's not clear, but he is still talking to himself. I'm sure the people in the forums will diagnose him from their armchairs right quick, but if they go directly to Asperger's, I'm going beg TWoP Sun to make a new rule. Anyhow, Stefan says, "I shouldn't have come home. I know the risk, but I had no choice." The camera zooms out to reveal he's standing on the steeply pitched, mossy roof of a rather grand home. "I have to know her." In case you dozed off during the narration, Stefan leaps from the gable end of Mossy Manse, to hammer home that this is a big step for him. He lands lightly below and we cut to...
Gilbert House: Recently orphaned seventeen year old Elena Gilbert (DeGrassi's Nina Dobrev) starts her day in a cozy looking window seat. "Dear Diary..." Oh good. MORE narration. Elena's busy convincing her diary that this year will be different. She'll act all happy, peppy, and bursting with joy. I remember lying to my diary, too. When I was like eleven. Elena's eyes scan assorted photos of her family (mom, dad, brother and herself). "I will no longer be the sad little girl who lost her parents." She wants to start fresh. "...Be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through." Oh man, is her diary going to rhyme? All the time? Ahem.
In the kitchen are guardian/grad-student Aunt Jenna Sommers (Sarah Canning), and Elena's fifteen year old brother, Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen; son of Chad, and grandson of the Steve McQueen). As a parenting newbie, Jenna offers to make these great big kids some toast. Psst, Jenna, my kids are way younger and already get their own breakfast. Elena and Jeremy don't want to eat, anyhow. They're all about the coffee. Really? Is that the norm now, even for a 15 year old? I wasn't in the throes of that addiction until college. Jenna has to book, because she's late for a meeting with her thesis advisor. Once she's gone, Elena reaches out to Jeremy to give him time to establish himself as a sullen S.O.B., which he does just before he walks out on her. Over Elena's shoulder, the Gilbert's TV features headshots of poor dead Darren Malloy -- age 24, and Brooke I-Can't-See-Her-Full-Last-Name -- age 22. Too bad. So sad.
As Bonnie (Katerina Graham) drives Elena through the streets of Mystic Falls, Virginia and off to school, she natters on about how her "Gram" says she's psychic and that they're descended from the witches of Salem and whatnot. Whatever. My cousin is a Wiccan
Priestess (headquartered in Salem), even though we're descended from Old Covenanter preachers, and Anabaptists. Bonnie confesses that she wondered if Gram ought to be sent to a home. "But then I started thinking, I predicted Obama, and I predicted Heath Ledger, and I still think Florida will break off and turn into little resort islands." Heh. Elena has drifted off, but Bonnie snaps her back to attention, so Elena apologizes and asks for a prediction about herself. Even though she's driving, Bonnie looks at Elena and says, "I see..." SMACK! Oh Bonnie, eyes front. Eyes front! I was going to wager the smack was caused by a vampire, but it didn't look large enough. Besides, it's daylight, although wait...that didn't seem to bother Stefan. Hmmm. As Bonnie skids to a stop, Elena takes a deep breath and tries to unscrew her facial muscles before they freeze like that. "It's okay, I'm fine." Bonnie explains, "It was like a bird, or something. It came out of nowhere." How do you know, Bonnie? You weren't even looking at the road. I am never letting my kids get into cars with their friends. Once Elena resolves not to be freaked out by cars the rest of her life, Bonnie predicts this is going to be a kick-ass year and Elena will be "beyond happy." As they drive through the intersection, the camera pans to a raven sitting atop an old-style street sign for Laurel Ave. He doesn't want to spoil us, so he doesn't vocalize his nevermore.
Mystic Falls High School: We again see Stefan's back as he makes his way through the throng of students who look way too happy to be there. From the side, we can see he's wearing sunglasses. Don't even tell me that's why he hasn't burnt to a crisp. Oh well, at least he doesn't sparkle. Inside, Bonnie and Elena walk the halls as Bonnie complains about the lack of "male real estate," and sneers about some poor girl who is wearing a most unfortunate top. "She looks a hot -- can you still say 'tranny mess'?" No, Bonnie, no you cannot. Oh for Cordelia's "Softer side of Sears." I'm sorry. I'll try not to go to the Buffy well too often, but I'm sentimental, soft and self-indulgent, so I cannot swear off completely. Elena waves to a slightly cooler Richie Cunningham-type, but he only glares (if you can be that mopey while glaring). When she complains to Bonnie that "he" hates her, Bonnie reminds Elena that she dumped him, and he's "too cool to show it, but secretly [he's] listening to Air Supply's greatest hits." Just then, Caroline (Candice Accola) scurries up and makes a big show out of greeting Elena and expressing her concern for her. Then she stops talking to Elena and talks about her -- to Bonnie. Elena's all like, "Standing right exactly here," (sorry) but Caroline's too wrapped up in...well...Caroline, to notice. She hugs Elena and calls her a "poor thing," before skipping off. Elena refrains from making a comment but not from noting to Bonnie that she's all but biting her tongue off while doing so, and we cut to the...
School yard: Jeremy's giving some pills and dosing instructions to Vicki Donovan, played by Kayla Ellwell, who may be tied with young Mr. McQueen and a player-yet-to-be-named as my favorite actor in this episode. Nobody's horrible, but much of the cast looks as comfortable in their roles as you feel in a new pair of dress shoes after a summer of bare-footing and flip-flopping. They're greeted by resident greaser-without-the-grease-and-leather, Tyler Stratton (Michael Trevino). He gloms onto Vicki in a way that screams, "I piss on this fire hydrant, because it is MY TERRITORY!" and she is...thrilled by this. Oh, Vicki! Jeremy, meanwhile, is smoking a cigarette or a joint. Right in the open. So, drugs are legal at this school? After Tyler woofs about finding Vicki among the crack-heads, he yips about Jeremy's black, Pete Wentz-ian nail polish. Jeremy smirks. "Pete Wentz, huh? How old-school, TRL of you. Carson Daly fan?" Nice. Tyler doesn't think so though, and makes various hold-me-back motions and grunts, so Vicki obliges and holds him back as she cautions him to be nice, pointing out, "That's Elena's little brother." Tyler knows who Jeremy is, but can "still kick his ass." Jeremy winces, not at the threat, but at the sight of Tyler and Vicki swapping spit.
Back inside school, Bonnie tells Elena to check out Stefan, who is in the school office, but Elena says, "All I see is back." I know, girl. I'm starting to think he doesn't have a face. I'm half pleased/half disappointed when Bonnie doesn't make the expected, "Baby's got back" quip. That song's before her time, but it's never really gone away, so you can see my conundrum, I'm sure. Wait. Is Stefan sporting Jordache jeans? It's been so long, I can't tell. I pause to get a better look...at the jeans, people. The jeans. Then Buffy whispers in my ear: "Live in the now, okay? He looks like DeBarge." Cough. Don't pay her any mind. He doesn't look like DeBarge, at all. He's wearing a leather jacket with a hoodie underneath. I'm just wondering about those jeans.
Inside the office, the secretary tells Stefan he is missing immunization records and some transcripts. The camera zooms in so we get a good shot of his profile and I can confirm he's got at least half a face. He's still wearing the shades, so I won't testify he has eyes, but I'm guessing he does, because of his crows' feet and forehead lines. There's been some squinting and furrowing so...wait a gosh darned second. Crows' feet? Isn't he supposed to pass for a high school student? Ooh, the shades are coming off. We have an eye! Stefan goes all these aren't the droids you're looking for as he advises the secretary to please look again. He nods at her. "I'm sure everything you need is there." Under his thrall, the secretary agrees, while out in the corridor, Bonnie's still going on about being psychic. Elena laughs at her, but her smile fades as she sees Jeremy head to the men's room. She takes off after him as Bonnie waits with us to see if Stefan has a whole face. Unaware she's in a CW drama and so any and all faces must be beautiful by law, Bonnie wastes her mojo willing Stefan to be hot.
In the men's room, Jeremy's putting Visine in his eyes, when Elena bursts in frightening a redhead who is just exiting a stall. "Pants down, chick." No they weren't, ginger boy, so I don't know what that means, but I do know that Mystic Falls High School is going to have to do a lot of Swine Flu prevention education with these students, because he doesn't even wash his hands. My kids do too wash their hands, even when I'm not around, so shut up. Elena ignores the dirty ginger boy and grabbing Jeremy's face, she inspects his eyes then reams him out for getting high on the first day of school. In one breath she says she's done watching him destroy himself and in the , she tells him to keep it up all he wants, because she's going to be his buzzkill every time. Duuuuude. She then tries to counsel him to give up the ganja game and be himself, but who cares. This is all just a set-up for Jeremy to storm out a few seconds ahead of Elena, so that she can exit the men's room alone and run smack dab into Stefan, who is enthralling girls left and right (at least Bonnie and Caroline) as he heads towards his fate, i.e. Elena. They do the smack-dab thing and the isn't-that-the-men's-room thing, and the I-can't-get-out-of-my-own-way two-step, before Elena thanks Stefan and takes her leave. Their eyes are the last thing to part. Was that a Meet cute, clunky, or clichéd? You be the judge.
History class: The teacher lectures about Virginia's Civil War history while Stefan and Elena steal glances at, and exchange coy smiles with one another. The slightly cooler Richie Cunningham-type, who is still moping because he's been staring at Elena and Stefan staring at each other, cranes his neck to get a look at the text Bonnie is sending to Elena, which reads: "HAWT-E staring @ U." Okay, I hate text speak, but if you're trying to save keystrokes, wouldn't "HOT-E" be a better choice? No matter. Elena doesn't text back, but her face is all LOLZ.
Exterior -- the streets of Mystic Falls: Elena walks alone to the Mystic Falls Cemetery (established 1792). And it's time for her second DIARY-Ahhh of the episode. She made it through the day. No one noticed she was faking that she was fine. Blah blee bloo blum. The raven (crow, whatever -- Corvus) lands on the headstone in front of her -- the headstone of Grayson Gilbert and Miranda Sommers Gilbert, who passed on May 23, 2009. The carver helpfully included "Loving Parents" at the bottom, for the mouth breathers in the audience. Elena greets it with a, "Hi crow," but she's creeped out. As the crow caws, the fog rolls in (during the middle of a sunny day) and Elena takes off. She looks over her shoulder at the bird, and runs towards the woods (instead of that nice sunny, main-looking street she used to get to the graveyard). A male figure, shrouded in yet more fog, watches her from behind an angel statue. Whether she sees him, or just senses his presence I cannot tell, but it gives her pause. Finally, she moves on. When she breaks out in a run, I tell Scott, "If she doesn't fall, I'll give this episode an "A" and will sit up straight for the rest of the hour." BAM! A statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary statue turns her back to this pitiful scene. Guilt washes over me when I realize that in my fantasy, the BVM avoids taking her son's name in vain only by crying out, "Cheezum crow, she fell!" I whisper a hasty confession and snuggle down into the couch.
Once she's righted herself, Elena nearly falls again when Stefan appears out of thin air (thick fog?) and asks if she's okay. She asks if he was following her, but he says he just saw her fall. She has a hard time buying that he was just hanging out in the cemetery, because yeah, who does that...besides her? When he explains he was "visiting family" Elena relaxes and explains the bird and the fog (with a Hitchcock reference, no less). Realizing she's babbling, she introduces herself and Stefan returns the favor. Elena notes that they have history together, and she thinks she means the school subject, but we're meant to feel it goes so much deeper than that. Mmm I love cheese. Almost as an afterthought, Stefan adds "And English and French." He picks a leaf off her coat which gives Elena an opportunity to notice the unusual and unusually large ring he's wearing, which looks suspiciously like Road-Kill's. He explains it's an unusual and unusually large family ring and acknowledges that it's weird. Elena tries to pretend it's not and they fall silent. Then Stefan's bionic vamp sense of smell kicks in and he asks if she hurt herself in the fall. She pulls up a leg of her jeans to reveal a particularly bloody gash on her shin. When Stefan sees the blood, he turns from her and blanches. His face gets all vein-y (but in a subdued, artful way -- nothing protrudes) and his eyes grow bloodshot. He tells her she should go and take care of "that." After Elena rights her pant leg, she turns to tell him, "It's nothing," but Stefan is gone. COMMERCIAL!
Mossy Manse: Stefan's DIARY-Ahhh. He lost control, today. "Everything came rushing to the surface." Dirty! He can't resist her. Yadda yadda. The camera pans Stefan's desk until it lands on Elena's journal.
Local Hang-Out Which Will Be Known As Arnold's Until We Learn Its Name: Jeremy tries to flirt with Vicki, but she's working (as a waitress) and only has eyes for Tyler. Since he is sitting with that slightly cooler Richie Cunningham-type (whose name is Matt), I pretend Tyler is the Fonz. Aside from being Elena's ex, Matt is Vicki's brother. Once Vicki leaves their table, Matt twigs to the fact that Tyler is hooking up with his sister and calls him a dick. Meanwhile, Jeremy swings and misses again with Vicki, who is glad to get drugs from him, but doesn't want the world to know she "deflowered Elena's kid brother" over the summer. Jeremy makes it clear that it happened more than once, but Vicki chalks that up to the drugs and leaves him hanging. She tells him to back off so he doesn't ruin things with her and Tyler. Jeremy points out that Tyler's a douche who only wants her for her ass. Vicki says, "Oh yeah -- what do you want me for?" Jeremy looks hurt by this, but he doesn't have time to protest before she shoulder bumps her way past him. The camera pans to Caroline who serves as our exposition fairy -- filling Bonnie in on Stefan Salvatore's backstory er...cover story. "He lives with his uncle up at the old Salvatore boarding house. He hasn't lived here since he was a kid. Military family -- so they moved around a lot. He's a Gemini and his favorite color is blue." When Bonnie can't believe Caroline learned all that in one day, Caroline brags that she learned it all between classes. "We're planning a June wedding." Shudder.
Gilbert's: Jenna tries to remember she's the adult of the house and reminds Emma that it's a school night, as she sets out to meet Bonnie at Arnold's, which they sadly insist on calling The Grill instead of Arnold's. When Elena opens the door, Stefan is standing there, and claims he was just going to knock. He apologizes for disappearing on her earlier and doesn't argue when Elena figures the blood made him squeamish. He lies way through explaining how he knows where she lives and returns her journal, assuring her he didn't read it. She finds this surprising until Stefan confesses that he's a fellow diarist. Who knew there was a code? Elena indicates that Stefan can come in as she goes to put her journal away, but her words must not form a clear enough invitation, because he stays put on the stoop. When she returns, he wrangles an invitation to join her and we cut to...
The Grill: Matt and Bonnie have a heart-to-heart about Elena's well-being, but Bonnie refuses to get involved in their tattered relationship. She advises Matt to give it more time as it's only been four months since Elena's parents died. Just then, Elena walks in with Stefan. Caroline's talking to a pool-cue wielding Tyler, who, for just a moment, looks like the love child of Eric Balfour and Zach Braff. I don't know who looks more disappointed to see Elena and Stefan together -- Caroline or Matt. But Matt surprises me (pleasantly) when he introduces himself (sans attitude) to Stefan and tries to be civil toward Elena, too. Later, Stefan sits with Caroline, Bonnie and Elena, who are pumping him for information. Bonnie's psychic or thinks she is, so she makes a knowing face as she looks from him to Elena, after he reveals his parents are deceased. Elena apologizes for his loss and asks if he has any siblings. Stefan says, "None that I talk to," and explains that he lives with his uncle. The girls convince him to come to the back-to-school party tomorrow night at the Falls. And we cut to...
Mossy Manse: Hello, Salty Goodness. We're treated to a quick shot of Stefan's shirtless self, before Zach (Chris William Martin) rudely bursts in. Talk about buzzkills. I expected Zach to be the uncle to whom Stefan was referring, and he will probably be passed off as such, but Zach refers to Stefan as his uncle. Confronting Stefan with the startling newspaper headlines of a local animal attack, he upbraids him for not having himself under control, and feeding off humans, again (Darren and Brooke). Stefan denies it, but Zach's not buying, and tells Stefan it was a mistake for him to return. "Please Uncle Stefan. Mystic Falls is a different place now. It's been quiet for years, but there are people who still remember." He wants to know why Stefan chose now to return, but Stefan asserts that he doesn't have to explain himself. Once Zach leaves, Stefan moseys over to his bookcase crammed full of his vampire diaries and removes a well-worn journal. He opens it to reveal a sepia tinged picture (daguerreotype? tintype?) of Elena, but her hair is curly. Then we see the handwritten caption on the page below. "Katherine 1864." COMMERCIAL!
Mystic Falls High; History Class: The Battle of Willow Creek. The teacher asks who knows how many causalities there were, then browbeats Bonnie for playing the cute card when she doesn't know the answer. , he asks Matt if he'd like to shed his dumb jock image. When Matt declines, the teacher sets his sights on Elena. She doesn't know the answer either, so the teacher says, "I was willing to be lenient last year, for obvious reasons, Elena, but the personal excuses ended with summer break." Oh, all the way from late May to September -- with the summer off? How generous of you, asshat. Stefan breaks in and answers that there were 346 casualties in the battle, not including civilians. The teacher is impressed, but contradicts Stefan -- saying there were no civilian casualties. Stefan corrects him -- there were 27. Stefan says, "The Confederate soldiers -- they fired on the church, believing it to be housing weapons. They were wrong. It was a night of great loss. The founders' archives are housed in civic hall if you'd like to brush up on your facts, Mr. Tanner." The class enjoys Mr. Tanner's comeuppance, and we cut to....
The Falls; Nighttime: Stefan arrives at the party, but can't see Elena, so he uses his bionic vamp hearing until he tunes into Elena and Bonnie comparing him to a romance novel hero. He smiles, but before he can get to them, he's waylaid by Caroline -- who is trying way too hard. I'll just add here that I keep seeing comparisons between Caroline and BtVS's Cordelia Chase, but really? I think she's just a Harmony. Anyhow, when Bonnie pushes the psychic angle with Elena -- Elena grabs an empty beer bottle to serve as a crystal ball. Bonnie grabs onto the beer bottle and Elena's. She feels something akin to a charge move through her and opens her eyes wide. Pulling her hand back as if from flame, Bonnie tells Elena that when she touched her, she saw a crow, fog and a man. As Elena tries not to lose it, Bonnie insists that she's just drunk and needs another drink. That should help. After she disappears, Stefan shows up and once again surprises Elena.
Across the party, Vicki and Ty make their way into the woods, as Elena and Stefan walk across the (Christmas-light) lit footbridge, and dither about what qualifies as acceptable party conversation. After it's clear Stefan's not into chit-chat, Elena admits that last spring, her parents' car drove off a bridge into the lake. Seated in the back, Elena survived, but her parents did not. Stefan likes his crows' feet, so he squints. "You won't be sad forever, Elena," and we cut to...
The Woods: Ty is forcing himself on Vicki when Jeremy approaches and breaks it up. After Ty insults Vicki, he leaves, and then Vicki berates Jeremy for...saving her. Okay. In her view, Tyler's drunken attempt at date rape bothered her far less than Jeremy's kindness. "You want to talk to me, get to know me, see into my soul, and screw and screw and screw, until you're done with me." Jeremy asks if that's what she thinks. Vicki says, "That's what I know."
Back on the well-lit bridge, Stefan tells Elena he likes her friend Bonnie, but notes that Matt can't keep his eyes off them. Elena confesses that Matt is a childhood best friend. They dated, because they owed themselves the what-if. But after her parents died, everything changed and she realized the relationship just wasn't.... Stefan supplies the word, passionate. When Elena agrees, rather than pointing and laughing, Stefan's eyes go all bloodshot again, and Elena asks if he's okay. He covers by leaving her on the bridge alone and goes to get some fresh drinks.
Vicki wanders alone through the woods -- when a fog settles in upon her. She calls out for Jeremy, sure he's following her, but as the fog thickens, Vicki is confronted by something far worse than a freshman boy with a crush and stalker tendencies. A vampire sets his sights upon her, and goes in for the kill. Oh frak, Vicki. You're the most interesting girl on this show. Grab a pointy stick and fight him off, mama. Fight him off. COMMERCIAL!
Party: Elena looks around for Stefan, but all she finds is Matt who pours his heart out. She told him she wanted some time alone when they broke up, but he's not giving up on them. Thanks to his bionic vamp hearing, Stefan takes this all in. As he makes his way back to Elena, he's confronted by Caroline who's decided to do the hard sell. When she ignores his soft brush-off, Stefan says, "Caroline -- you and me -- it's not going to happen. I'm sorry." Incredulous, Caroline searches for words or the right expression to hide her humiliation, but Stefan walks off -- away from her -- toward Elena, who assures him that Caroline will back off eventually. Before they can work their way back to flirting, Elena spots a drunk Jeremy stumbling off into the woods. Stefan offers to help her track him down, but Elena chooses to go it alone.
Elena tries to stop Jeremy -- or at least to get him to say where he's going. But before he unleashes the full force of his teenage angst upon her, he trips over something and lands right on top of it. That something is Vicki's still form -- blood oozes from her savaged neck. Jeremy touches her and her eyes spring open, as she gasps for air. When the severity of her wound sinks through Elena and Jeremy's skulls, they carry her back to the party, where brother Matt freaks out and someone calls for an ambulance. "Squeamish" Stefan makes a hasty retreat, which does not escape Matt's notice. We cut to...
Mossy Manse: Stefan informs Zach that there's just been another attack, but that he (once again) was not the perpetrator. Retreating to his room, he eyes the open balcony doors. And I'm sorry, but if you lived in Virginia, wouldn't you have screen doors up, too? It's not like Virginia is bug-free -- or crow free for that matter -- because our favorite black bird swoops right in and settles on the rafters. Behind Stefan, a male figure appears at the balcony door. Stefan turns to find..."Damon!" Damon (Ian Somerhalder; Boone, Lost) smirks. "Hello, brother." Hello, cutie. Everything just got even prettier! COMMERCIAL!
Now, I've never read the books, but I've read this and that in preparation for watching the series. What follows won't spoil the plot, but does discuss the premise. I was given to understand that Stefan had the whole fog thing going on, and that he was a shape-shifter that often took the form of a crow. But it seems the crow is Damon's trick, and yet it doesn't seem he took the form of a crow, because the crow is still right there in Stefan's room, cawing away. I won't pretend to get that yet, at all, but now I'm thinking that it was Damon-Crow that caused Bonnie's almost-accident, and spooked Elena at the cemetery, too. What do you think?
Anyhow, it's been 15 years since the brothers have seen one another, so they do a verbal tango, with Stefan pointing out that Damon left Vicki alive tonight. Damon says, "That could be a problem...for you." He admits he's back in town because of just one thing -- Elena.
Party Aftermath: Matt watches as Vicki is loaded into an ambulance, then climbs in with her. Bonnie tells Elena that she and Caroline are going to "mainline coffee" 'til they're sober enough to go home. I do not ask them if they're driving to get their coffee, because I don't want to know. Kids, please don't drink and drive. Call your parents. Call a cab. Call a cool aunt. Just don't do it. Elena begs off; she has to tend to Jeremy. Before she leaves, Bonnie confesses that -- psychic gifts aside -- whatever she saw or thinks she saw, "It's only the beginning."
Mossy Manse: the brothers Salvatore bicker about Elena, and then her circa 1864 doppelganger, Katherine -- the original thorn between these lovely roses. Damon's not satisfied with that, though, and starts berating his brother for swearing off human blood. The exchange soon devolves into fisticuffs. Stefan, eyes bloodshot, goes all vein-y, and pounces on his big brother, pushin
g them both off the balcony toward the ground below. Only Stefan hits bottom, though. Damon's got some Gypsy parlor tricks up his sleeve and is fast enough -- strong enough, to escape the fall. Stefan pleads for Damon to give their rivalry a rest, but Damon reminds Stefan that he promised to give him "an eternity of misery." As Stefan warns Damon to stay away from Elena, Damon interrupts to point out that Stefan's magical ring has gone missing. "Oh yeah, the sun's coming up in a couple of hours and *poof* -- ashes to ashes." Oh, so it's the gem of Amara. Thank goodness it's not the sunglasses. Before Stefan can respond, Damon tells him to relax, produces the ring, and holds it out to his brother. As Stefan slips it back on his finger, Damon goes all vein-y and bloodshot, grabs Stefan by the throat and tosses him across the yard. He bounces off the garage and falls back at Damon's feet with a thud. Damon loses his whimsy. "You should know better than to think you're stronger than me. You lost that fight when you stopped feeding on people. I wouldn't try it again." Stefan searches for words but they refuse to come. Damon looks around and grins. "I think we woke Zach up." He turns from Stefan and approaches the house. "Hi Zach."
Party: Jeremy is pounding a beer, despite the umpteen cops on the scene. Where is this magical place where teenagers get Christmas-light lit venues for their keg parties, and indulgent cops who care nothing about them breaking the law? Elena points out his folly and tells him that the town is pretty much over their sympathy for the Gilbert orphans, so Jeremy chucks the bottle over his shoulder. As they wait for Aunt Jenna, Elena continues, saying, "The rest of the world has moved on. You should try too." Jeremy doesn't think Elena's habit of writing in her diary in the cemetery is a sure sign of her moving on. Elena frowns. "Mom and dad wouldn't have wanted this." And we cut to...
The Grill: Bonnie encourages Caroline to chug her coffee and sober up, but Caroline's wallowing in the fact that she's just not Elena, no matter how hard she tries. Of course the problem is that she tries too hard, which scares off friends and beaux alike -- all of whom naturally flock to Elena. When Bonnie reminds Caroline that it's not a competition, Caroline waits a beat, and then says, "Yeah. It is."
Hospital: Matt keeps vigil over his sister Vicki's bedside, because nobody in this town has parents, apparently. She stirs and wakes, but when she tries to speak, Matt tells her not to try and assures her she's okay. Vicki won't be silenced. Voice hoarse, she rasps, "Vampire!" Matt's blue eyes grow to twice their size. COMMERCIAL!
Dueling DIARY-Ahhh Montage! Elena sits at her window seat, bemoaning the fact that she can't smile her way through things. Meanwhile, at Mossy Manse, Stefan rues the wrench that's been thrown into his plan to forget the past and start a life with someone new. Their words overlap and we go from cheese to Kraft Macaroni And... Jenna looks in on Jeremy, who is staring at a picture of his parents, and Elena and Stefan continue their litany, but I can't listen anymore. At The Grill, Bonnie leaves Caroline at their booth, and who should be looking over at her but Damon. OH MY WORD. What's wrong with Ian Somerhalder in this shot? I think it's the hair and the awkward angle, but Scott says he looks like he's had some (bad) work done. Either way? Do not ruin the pretty, people! Caroline turns on the charm and smiles at him. Damon cocks his head and smiles back in a way that makes him look more like a pedophile than anyone you'll see on your local police department's list. Back at the Gilbert's, Elena's still blathering to her diary about being ready for the good, so that when it comes, you can "invite it in." Ouch. There's more, but I'll spare you. The important thing is, just as she looks out her window, Stefan materializes. She rushes to her front door to meet him. He knows it's late, but he just needs to know if she's okay. Elena sighs that that's all anyone ever wants to know about her -- if she'll be okay. Stefan says, "What do you tell them?" Looking down, Elena says she tells them she'll be fine. When Stefan asks if she ever means it, Elena says, "Ask me tomorrow." She holds his gaze. "It's warmer in the house. We can talk. Backing up a few steps, Elena asks, "Would you like to come in?" Now that's the kind of invite Stefan needs. He smiles and nods. "Yes." He enters, and Elena shuts the door behind him. Don't worry. After all these years, I'm sure Willow has put the de-invite spell up on the web. She's a geek like that.
So, what did you think? I read some rough reviews of this so I was truly and pleasantly surprised by the episode. With some notable exceptions (McQueen, Ellwell, Somerhalder) the cast has yet to sink their teeth deep down in their roles, but that's generally the case at the beginning of a new drama. The story is pure cheese, but so, to my mind, that's the level upon which it should be judged. No comparing it to lobster, you know? The fog and the crow? This is a gothic (teen) romance. They have their place here, even though I'm slightly confused by the fact that Damon seems to have these powers, rather than Stefan. The narration -- well, I know some of you hate any and all of it, but in theory, it's okay with me. Look, in addition to this show and Lost, I also cover How I Met Your Mother, which uses narration regularly, but like Pushing Daisies and the Veronica Mars voice-overs before it, HIMYM's narration is never too heavy. There was too much in The Vampire Diaries, tonight. I'm giving the writers a pass, because that's the premise, but it's not an unlimited pass. They should watch the "Passion" episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, if they want to know how to do it right. And when all else fails, less is more. In sum, I'm looking forward to episode two, because I think all the ingredients are here. They just need time to macerate. Everyone's pretty, and none of the cast members seem like they'd be stuck in a paper bag if acting were their only way out. The dialogue had some high points and I want to know what happens . All in all, I've been sucked in. I'll see you week. 'Til then, my fingers are crossed, so make room for the cheese slices.
Cindy McLennan is a fang hag from way back. Feel free to e-mail her with your comments or questions at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com She doesn't bite. Much.
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