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Tyler is firmly Team V, and he has the new haircut and the space shuttle to prove it. Anna is excited to start the breeding program, but Tyler's phosphorus levels aren't high enough yet to breed. Anna finds a replacement in a Spanish studmuffin and pimps him out to Lisa. When Lisa balks, Anna gets suspicious. She tells Joshua to tell Lisa that he is having emotions and report her reaction back to him. Luckily Lisa has Grandma Diana to offer her counsel and hugs (!!), and Lisa passes Joshua's test, mostly. But Lisa can't handle being her mommy's li'l ho, and she sends the Spaniard away. She and Anna fight and Lisa wollops her mother in the face. Anna smooshes her face and reminds her that she is not the queen yet. Anna marches off to tell Joshua to prepare an alternate for Lisa. She has one egg left and he needs to hatch it, preferably in the hybrid baby. Oh shit, babies having babies. I guess they don't get "Teen Mom" in space. The Visitors are also using the hybrid baby to test their aging technology. So poof, she's a toddler.
Erica is assuming the leadership of the Fifth Column, and the perks are great: First stop is a trip to Hong Kong! She schools the terrorists in dealing with a white lady with nothing to lose. Her crack team of Chad, Jack, Kyle and Sid (remember Sid?) all brainstorm about why the Visitors are there and how they can stop them. They suddenly realize that the answer lies in Erica's ob/gyn, obviously. Please, you always knew ob/gyns were evil. So Erica and Kyle break into her ob's apartment and prove that she is a Visitor, but she suicides herself before they can get anything useful from her. Kyle cracks her safe, he and Erica have a moment (she's cheating on Jack, the slore!), then they grab the info and run. With the information in the safe, they realize that there are 29 boys being watched/tested on by the Visitors, meaning 28 boys who are probably less annoying than Tyler. Then Erica discovers that the prenatal vitamins she took were some advanced V technology. Malpractice much?
Chad Decker goes to talk to Lisa on board the mothership. He tries to convince her that he is working with Erica, but no one really believes him. Still. He begs her to help find out what the Visitors did to the unlucky participants in the Live Aboard Program. She doesn't tell him anything right then, but sends him the info later. He fills in the group on Lisa's intel: They are stealing DNA from the Live Aboards they hand-selected for their exceptional DNA. Erica summarizes: The Visitors are using the humans' DNA to fast-track their own evolution. This new information is useful for convincing the rest of The Fifth Column that she's the boss of them.
Surprise! Ryan Nichols isn't dead! He grabs Jack on the street and preys on his mercy and kindness, but Jack's nobody's priest now, and even he won't absolve Ryan of his sins. Alas, Anna has no use for him, either, and his daughter barely recognizes him. Guys, I think Morris Chestnut needs a hug. Any volunteers?
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates doesn't want to hug a Visitor. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hello. Welcome back to V. Shall we see if the show can manage to make good on the hint of promise that it revealed last week? Hinting at vast untapped potential, in the clips from last week they show Tyler getting slapped. They could just show that on a loop for twenty minutes and this show would be better than most of the ABC comedy lineup and, obviously, No Ordinary Family.
Tyler is alone in a room on the Mothership sitting on a table/chair (chable? tair?) wearing a space cape (spape?) waiting for Anna and Mr. Turtleneck to join him. Anna holds back a giggle as she tells Tyler she is super sad about his father's untimely demise and she was watching and it was totally his mom's fault. So he made the right choice in joining the Visitors. But before they can launch him into space where he can live out his lifelong dream of re-enacting that scene in Star Wars where Luke outshoots the more skilled pilots to deliver the fatal blow to the Death Star, Tyler must pass one more physical exam. Then they shave his head with a loud swell of ominous music creating drama (not really). What the heck sort of physical is that? I assume it is something like, "Can he withstand our technologically advanced Flowbee device? If so, he will be able to survive the vacuum of space." Also, despite being a space ship of limited girth, there must be a surplus of real estate on the old mothership because the room Tyler is getting his hair cut in is approaching cathedral size. Sorry, New Yorkers are obsessed with real estate. Along with their surefire dermatology lure, the Visitors should build some luxury condos and advertise: "Spacious apartments, low move-in costs, high ceilings, amazing views, no pets." If you build it, they will come!
After the shearing, Anna and Mr. Turtleneck hit the hallways to walk and talk about the future of the Visitors, which is all moving along according to Anna's plan: Tyler is all hers, Concordia is being built, and human women will soon be impregnated with tadpole juice or whatever.
Father Jack has moved out of the rectory and thanks to Kyle's generous offer he will be sharing the grotty basement apartment/Fifth Column HQ. All of Father... er, I guess I have to stop calling him that. So let's try that again: all of Jack's worldly possessions fit into three duffel bags, which he mentions rather forlornly, but seems appropriate what with him being a priest and not having a Wii and 42 games, four pairs of jeans, and a two year back catalogue of Sports Illustrated or whatever it is thin caricatures of men collect.
Kyle scoots over his twelve tight black t-shirts to make room. Before they can lay a jump rope down the middle of the room to stake out their territory, Erica joins the party. She is wearing a black leather jacket and face to match. She means bizness. The doorbell rings and Kyle has his gun loaded before Erica can explain that the man at the door is John Fierro, Cohen's second in command, the guy who should have been the leader of the Fifth Column had Erica not been appointed leader for no real reason. But Fierro is game to follow meekly in her footsteps so Erica wants to introduce him to her team. Kyle cannot believe that she gave him his address. He sounds so offended it's like he's worried the guy is going to send him unsolicited Edible Arrangements or Jehovah's Witnesses. Erica introduces Fierro to her top lieutenants (even though there are no other lieutenants). Fierro promises his allegiance to Erica, kisses her ring, and then tells her that there is a gathering of other bigger better lieutenants in Bangkok. Fierro strongly suggests that they go and meet the troops and stage a USO show. Kyle claims to have tap-danced across Asia so he's in. I have to say, Erica, I'm a little jealous of the perks of this new job of yours. Freelance writing doesn't lend itself to spur of the moment trips to Bangkok. Sad emoticon face accompanied by world's smallest violin.
Ackkkk! Tyler's in his underwear!!!! I'm blind!!!!!! He is also being scanned while Anna, Joshua and Mr. Turtleneck examine his results. Unfortunately for Tyler and the future of the Visitors' race, his phosphorus levels are low despite Red Rain and hours of listening to [one of the worst] Peter Gabriel [songs ever]
. Anna tells Joshua to administer a high dose of phosphorus and if that doesn't take then Tyler is useless to them. Anna quickly finds a back-up stud (in the equine sense) in Rafael from Barcelona, who is undoubtedly far, far less annoying than Tyler. Anna orders him to be brought on board and then goes and tells Tyler that he passed and is getting sent on an overnight mission somewhere far from Lisa who will be busy. Tyler thanks Anna profusely for this opportunity. Anna laughs and figures out whether killing him or saddling his mother with him for eternity would be more evil. Then she does that Dr. Evil pinky to the mouth thing so we know she is, indeed, evil.After a few scenes pasted together to give us the idea that the team is actually in Thailand, and not at what looks to be a park in Vancouver? There are a half dozen lieutenants (mostly white guys, natch, plus one girl who looks like she is embedded at Vogue) standing in a semi-circle around Kyle and Erica and Fierro who are all wearing sunglasses so they look more sinister. One guy tells them that they already have plans in motion to avenge Cohen's death. So they started them before he died? Okay, show, sure. Kyle makes some snappish comment about suicide bombers being like throwing pebbles at a giant (by pebbles he means body parts and viscera, I gather) and apparently the Fifth Column is a very sensitive bunch because they move to storm off in a huff over that. Erica barks, "Wait." And they all turn and wait like eager puppies hoping for a milk bone. She reminds them that Cohen died because his plan didn't work. She has contacts on the ship and access they will never have. I guess they are supposed to find that compelling enough to make her queen? Why doesn't she mention that her team killed Anna's no. 2? Sure, Cohen was there, but he didn't actually do anything. Fierro adds that Cohen appointed her and they owe it to him to at least try her out. Erica nods and tells them her big plan is to bring the war to Anna. I guess that explanation suffices, because one of the lieutenants shrugs that she can have the job until she fucks up and then they will kill her, dance on her grave, and put someone more qualified into position. Then all the lieutenants shuffle off to go eat pad see yoo or something instead of hanging out and, say, figuring out a plan to blow the mothership out of the sky. Really? You all flew all the way to Bangkok for a five-minute corporate huddle? Your overhead is outrageous! This is totally going to cut into shareholder profits.
Just when you think the Fifth Column will build up some momentum and blow some shit up, we cut back to the mothership. Come on, show! You only have a few episodes left to actually do something, so, you know, hop to it! Instead Anna goes to report to Lisa that Tyler is shipping out. Lisa reports that Tyler hasn't spoken to his mommy in a week and they are becoming his family. Anna really doesn't care because she wants Lisa to "entertain" Rafael now. Lisa points out that Tyler might "sense" her disloyalty, which is really a lot to expect from Tyler who seems as intuitive as a shoebox. Anna tells her to shut up and do what she says. And has she been putting the lotion on her skin? If not, she'll get the hose again. Okay, that's not fair, Anna's not a serial killer making a lady suit. She already has a skin suit. No, she's just a pimp. And if this show has any hope of getting picked up for a third season (that's not a joke, stop laughing) it needs to have Anna humming "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" by the end of the episode
OR ELSE.
Erica is in her hotel room when Jack Skypes her. It's time for a meeting! Erica, Chad Decker, Jack, Kyle and Sid (remember Sid?) all brainstorm for five minutes. Chad reports that Anna doesn't need any more participants for the Live Aboard Program. Erica thinks this means that Anna has whatever she needs, but she doesn't know what. She tells Chad to contact Lisa and get the information from her. Chad can't believe that Lisa is working against her own mother. A daughter who rebels? How odd. Must be a species thing. Sid reports that he reached out to the global scientific community (read: surfed the web in his jammies) and found a few mentions of other boys with missing DNA, but they all died in infancy. Jack has nothing to report, but he's generally useless anyway. I mean, who brings a priest to a terrorist organization?
Meeting adjourned, Erica heads out to a local Thai restaurant with Kyle and Fierro. There are a lot of great ones in Vancouver. She asks Fierro what he knows about the death of Cohen's son. Fierro knows a lot, which sure is helpful. He explains that there were a bunch of little boys who died 18 years ago and all their mothers had preeclampsia and they were all treated by the same doctor Erica used. So the OB/Gyn is to blame? And she traveled the world 18 years ago racking up air miles and administering care to pregnant women in 29 cities across the globe? Awesome storyline. Totally believable. Erica claims she looked everywhere to track down her doctor, but couldn't find her, but Fierro had better luck. He thinks she is in Hong Kong. Erica is already out the door.
Back on the ship, Anna asks Joshua to go spy on her daughter. She thinks Lisa may have developed feelings, and she is concerned that Lisa will start listening to Wayne Newton or something worse. She orders Joshua to go tell Lisa that he is regaining his memory and is starting to remember human emotions. He is to report back Lisa's response.
Meanwhile, Lisa is off to visit grandma Diana, who is a tetch offended that it took Lisa a week to decide to trust her. Lisa claims it is all her mother's fault, obviously. Then she tells grandma that her mom made her hook up with this one guy, Tyler, but now she wants her to hook up with another guy. Why? Ahem, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp". Diana point blank asks her if she is having feelings for him, but Lisa doesn't trust grandma enough to reply with anything other than, "Our species does not have human emotions." Grandma doesn't buy that though and tells Lisa to embrace her emotions and love them and squeeze them and cherish them except, you know, when around her mother. Anna can never ever know that Lisa has feelings. That means that Lisa needs to "entertain" Rafael the Spanish Savior or else Anna might know something's up. Sorry, Lisa, you're a ho-bag. Just embrace it. And, seriously? There is no way Rafael is worse than Tyler and you totally bedded that chucklehead.
Chad Decker has come on board the mothership and instantly corners Lisa and demands intel from her. Subtle much? Chad tells her that Erica Evans said she could help him. Lisa pretends she has no idea what he's talking about, but like a good journalist he persists. He explains that he needs to know what the Visitors are doing with the Live Aboards. Lives depend on it. Lisa shakes him off, but heads straight to the lab where they tortured the Live Aboards and starts looking things up on the computer. Joshua sees her and watches from a hiding place. When she is finished, he approaches her with Anna's test. He tells her that he is regaining memories and feelings and remembered that he used to talk to her about emotions and Terms of Endearment and Louis CK shows and Toy Story 3. Lisa stares at him blankly and tells him he is incorrect and he should go take some Ginkgo or something. He apologizes and bows his head in shame.
In a section of Hong Kong known as Vancouver, Kyle makes some derogatory comment about cops and doughnuts that everyone rightly ignores. The Hong Kong cop who has tracked Erica's OB/Gyn gives Erica a photo of the woman to confirm identity. Then he explains that she is living in a highly secure building with police on call. He can get them in, but can't shut down the system. Fierro exclaims, "I can! It's my specialty. Well..." He stops and stares at Erica over the top of his sunglasses, "One of my specialties." Really, Fierro? You've had a lady boss for one day and you're already hitting on her? Is life as a human rights activist (think about it) that lonely?
Erica gives him a wan smile and turns back to the conversation. Erica instructs the cop to get them into the building and they will take care of the rest. Cue the mobile van with 12 computers and Fierro hacking away at the security system while Kyle beats up the doorman and Erica stands around staring at her nails. Fierro succeeds and Erica and Kyle have 15 minutes to get the job done. Obviously they take the stairs. Never hurts to work in a little exercise! Kyle knocks on the door of a fancy apartment and Kyle, in the doorman's uniform, speaks fluent, if slightly stilted, Chinese. The woman who peers through the peephole doesn't seem surprised to find a white guy speaking bad Chinese in a too-small doorman's uniform asking her to open the door for a heating inspection or some veiled excuse. She argues for a minute and then opens the door to a world of hurt in the form of Erica Evans. Erica holds a gun to the woman's head and demands she tell her what she did to her son to make him such a douche. Yeah, sure, blame the doctor. I mean, if you could blame the doctor that would be one hell of a malpractice suit. The doctor pretends she has no idea who or what Erica is talking about, so Erica pins her on the table and cuts a V in the back of ear. Yep, she's a Visitor. The woman starts hissing as Erica demands she open her safe. So... wait, this is a robbery not an interrogation? The woman points Erica to a safe in her closet, but Kyle knows that's a dummy and quickly finds the real safe. The woman then knocks the gun out of Erica's so-called professional grasp and throws herself off the balcony where she commences to fall in slow motion for a solid five minutes while Erica screams, "Nooooooooooooooo". Then the woman gets around to taking her suicide pill and incinerates herself, contributing to Hong Kong's air pollution problem.
Erica and Kyle recover quickly and bust a move to get the safe out. For some reason the cops are on their way even though the woman didn't go kersplat. Kyle MacGyvers some explosives to the safe while Erica holds the flashlight. Then they have a moment. Like, a moment moment, which is weird and out of place and with Kyle *shudder* although he does wear really tight pants so at least she would know what she is getting. They stare into each other's eyes and look like they're about to smooch when Erica bolts and Kyle opens the door of the safe. They grab the contents of the safe and bolt. What is with the hormones Erica is emitting? Is she ovulating or something? Darn it, she should have asked her OB/Gyn!
Father Jack is on the corner of Gore Ave., which is a street that does not exist in New York City despite the many taxis in the background trying to make us think we are there. It's all dirty lies! Anyway, Father Jack is rounding a corner from a non-existent street when he is grabbed by a tree!! Oh it's not a tree; it's Ryan Nichols camouflaging himself as a tree. He's alive! And an expert at camouflage apparently. So yes, somehow Ryan Nichols escaped the bomb blast that killed absolutely everyone else in a five-block radius and all he got was a black eye, although that may have been from Eli Cohen's crew. I mean, what? Jack is stunned to see him and even more stunned when Ryan asks him for help freeing his baby girl-like t
hing from Anna's evil clutches. Jack reminds him that he betrayed them and Erica's ex-husband is dead because of his alliance with Anna. If he had told them the truth none of that would have happened. I still don't quite get that particular claim. I mean, Ryan didn't know Erica was at Eli Cohen's house or that Anna was gonna blow the joint up. And everyone knew Anna had his daughter, but no one seemed to particularly care. Anyway, Jack isn't a priest any more (also Ryan's fault?) so he doesn't have to forgive him if he doesn't want to. Ryan begs for a second chance and a little help, but Jack's not interested. He says good day, sir.
Fierro, Erica, Kyle, and the Hong Kong cop head to the local Ramada conference room to start examining the evidence they took out of the Ob/Gyn's safe. Erica quickly realizes that there are 29 boys across the globe that have also had their DNA tampered with by the Visitors. Clearly this means 28 of those boys are less annoying than Tyler. The Visitors have probably realized this too, so Erica knows that Tyler's life is at risk. Fierro and the cop exchange glances that clearly say, "Did we accidentally sign up for some Mama Lion revenge trip?" Kyle, however, realizes that Erica is vulnerable and goes to comfort her because apparently that's where their relationship is now. After Kyle and Erica finish... um, bonding? The cop calls them over to look at a pill bottle he found in the safe. Without opening the bottle Erica explains that they are pre-natal vitamins she took while she was pregnant with Tyler. But why would those be in a safe? Kyle takes one of the pills and opens it to answer that very question. He uses a knife and out spill a bazillion nightmarish little metallic bugs that scrabble over the table and disappear. I think it's what they used on Georgie? And if Erica has those inside her via the prenatal tabs, well Kyle is never going to hit that. I mean, that's the STD from hell, right?
While Kyle was off hitting on his girl (I mean, right?) Jack has set up shop in the basement. And he's brought another roommate too. That roommate? Jesus Christ on a cross. Kyle is very disappointed. He really hopes that Jack will keep his little companion on his side of the line. After years spent in the priesthood, Jack can't help but start proselytizing and reciting lines of Footprints and Kyle has his hand on his gun when Erica calls. They're needed. Both of them. (Dirty.)
Chad Decker is getting fluffed before he goes on the air when his phone rings. It's Lisa. Specifically it's the courtesy call before she faxes him the information she found on the Live Aboard Program. Actually, I have no idea why she called. Why didn't she just send it? Whatever, she's pretty, I don't mind if she's on my television screen.
Erica has gathered the troops at Sid's lab. He has analyzed the little buggers that were in Erica's prenatal pills and realized they are meant to attack the DNA of anything with a Y chromosome, in short: boys. (For those of us too busy carving the Def Leppard logo into our desks to pay attention in biology.) The girl babies and their pregnant moms with their X chromosomes were unaffected. Jack sums up the story so far: We know what the Vs did and how they did it, but they don't know why. Chad Decker comes in with the answer. Lisa sent him the files from the Live Aboards and Chad has realized that the participants were not selected randomly, but rather they all had unique and desirable genetic traits. The Visitors are hand-selecting the traits they want with the likely plan of embedding them into the empty DNA of the 29 boys they targeted. Sid the Science Kid can't help but declare, "SWEET!" which just makes me like him more. Can we have more Sid please? He's the only character I believe, except that he is way too young to have the skill set and degrees he is meant to have acquired. He apologizes for his science geeking out and hastens to explain. The new information helps him understand the DNA he took from the fossilized Visitor in his lab. The DNA is a hundred times more complex than human DNA. Then Malick's DNA is a thousand times more complex. Evolutionarily speaking that should have taken hundreds of years. Kyle begs him to speak more slowly. Sid tries to explain in terms that Kyle can understand: The Visitors didn't kill all humans, because they need us. Erica jumps in because she gets it: The Visitors are using human DNA to fast track their own evolution. OooooOOoooooooOohh ominous. If I was smart enough to figure out exactly how that is ominous.
Joshua comes to tell Anna that Lisa mostly passed his test. Anna thinks Lisa in turn may be testing him. Joshua agrees, because he saw Lisa looking at some files, but he doesn't know what files. Is this at all interesting to anyone? No?
Moving right along: It's evening and the lights are low, the drinks are flowing, Barry White is playing quietly over the PA on the mothership. Lisa walks into her chambers and a tall dark stranger is waiting in her room. While a tall dark stranger lying in wait sounds frightening, in this instance it's romantic. The stranger has a rose in his hand and turns to ask if she's Lisa. She smiles at the stranger who can only be Rafael. Adding to the creepiness, Anna is watching the whole scene unfold with a little half-smile on her face. Lisa throws herself into Rafael's arms and they kiss passionately. But then Lisa pulls back. She just can't do this. She loves Tyler too much? CHOICES, girl! She pushes Rafael away, apologizing, and runs out of the room knowing that Anna is going to be displeased.
Later Lisa sits in her room alone staring at the photo of her and Tyler. Anna comes in demanding to know why Lisa sent Rafael away. Where did she get such bad taste in men? Lisa stands up and faces her mother/pimp. She is tired of being told what to do with no explanation. She and Anna glare at each other and Anna asks her if she wants to hit her. Lisa says yes, but Anna hits her first. Lisa fights back and delivers her mother a knuckle sandwich. Anna squares her shoulders, genteelly bleeding from the mouth. Lisa apologizes, and Anna accepts it explaining that it's Lisa's breeding hormones making her aggressive and Queen-like. Lisa nods meekly and that's when Anna attacks, grabbing her face and squishing it all out of shape and reminding her that she is NOT queen yet. Pretty sure this scene was taken from a deleted scene in Snow White.
Obviously Anna is not happy so some angry marching ensues. She storms down the hallway to ask Joshua how they can proceed with interbreeding without Lisa. He tells her that they can't. Lisa is important. Anna does not accept this answer and reveals to Joshua her backup plan. It's a pink blob. A very important pink blob. If Lisa won't do what her mother says, this disgusting blobby thing that looks like a brain married a half-formed beta unit (which I realize is a reference to The Last Starfighter that only my brother would get, but there you go) and then they had a baby with a goiter and it was removed and then they donated the goiter for display in a Museum of Gross. It is the last egg from Anna's queen clutch, which sounds like a purse, but is probably more of a chicken hatchery thing. She had it preserved and it is the last last hope of V kind. She tells Joshua to hatch it in secret and in a rush. Joshua can do that, but there is one problem: the new baby queen won't be able to reproduce in time to save them all from destruction. Anna tells him to run some more tests on their advanced rapid aging technology (which will not be a big seller on earth). If they can age the new queen then their people will be saved and Lisa will be out of a job. Joshua reminds her that the only person to test the aging technology on is the hybrid and she could die! Anna does not care. I mean, duh, Joshua.
Erica is Skype-ing with some of the Fifth Column lieutenants while her team of Jack, Fierro, and Kyle stand
behind her like background singers. As we wait for them to add a shoo-wop in perfect harmony, Erica recounts the Grand Unified Theory of the Visitors: The Visitors have moved across the universe stealing the most favorable genetic traits of all the species they encountered to create a superior species. Now they are on earth and planning on using those 29 boys with the missing DNA to further their goals of creating a superior species, global domination, and finally collecting all the Pokemon cards. Erica cuts her explanation short in order to have leverage to make the Fifth Column accept her as leader. She points out that in the last two days with just a small team she has done more to further their cause than during the entire time Eli Cohen was in control. What was his deal anyway? He totally sucked at everything except 'splosions. Oh wait, INCLUDING 'splosions as he didn't even manage to kill Ryan Nichols who was sitting right there. In fact, did he ever kill even one Visitor? Or just a bunch of humans who happened to be at the Visitors Visitor Centers? Anyway, Erica is way better, right? Can she be your leader now or what? The lieutenants of the Fifth Column are on the spot so they have no real choice but to shrug and accept Erica as their leader. When Erica gets the nod approving her as leader of the Fifth Column, Kyle gets this big old doofy "That's my girl!" grin, which is revolting. Please don't make that happen show! Please! I mean, ew. Now that she's the boss of them, Erica tells them the rest of her plan: The Visitors are bringing the last shipment of Live Aboards onto their ship, and once they have them, they will move on to the phase of their plan. The Fifth Column will make sure that doesn't happen. Cue dramatic close up of Erica's face.
On the ship, Anna is walking when Joshua and Mr. Turtleneck find her. She faces away from them (what is she looking at?) as they address her. She reports that Lisa must be dealt with for her insolence and her treatment of poor hottie Rafael. Then Joshua recommends that she come see the results of his testing of their advanced aging technology.
Cut to a girl who looks to be about three-years old playing on the ship and Ryan Nichols staring at her asking where his daughter is. Some V extra points at the girl and Ryan shrugs and goes to play with the girl. I mean, why not? Toddlers are hella easier than babies, right? And the girl's not crying. Win! He crouches down to say hello and she gets a huge grin on her face and runs to... Anna. Adding insult to injury, she calls her mom, too. Ryan tries not to barf, but does manage not to even ask why or how his daughter is suddenly three and walking and talking. Maybe he really just doesn't care. Anna thanks him for all his hard work in delivering a severe blow to the Fifth Column. His reward is he gets to spend a few hours with the daughter who is currently ignoring him. He thanks his "queen" and is just blatantly sucking up at this point. Doesn't work, though. The second Anna is outside she tells Mr. Turtleneck to have Ryan killed because his cover is blown and he is useless to them. You would feel bad for him except at this point (if you're me) you kind of hate everyone on this show because, well, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING?? The only person I don't hate is Sid the Science Kid, but even he has major character development loopholes. If the fate of the human race lies in the hands of Erica Evans and Kyle reproducing I am going to join the Visitors. I mean, REALLY. *cough* Anyway.
A space shuttle lands on the Mothership and Tyler emerges. He is chatting away with Mr. Turtleneck about the beauty of space travel or some other Tyler-worthy dialogue. Lisa calls his name and he turns and gives her an awkward hug, but instantly apologizes because he has to go shower and download his space logs (ew!). Lisa calls him out and tells him to stop running away from her. He pretends he's not, but just, you know, has to download space logs wink wink. Lisa doesn't get it. Visitors don't do such things. But Lisa has been getting in touch with her emotions and they are getting her in all kinds of trouble and she wants Tyler to have some emotions with her. His dad just died; doesn't he have any feelings he wants to share? No. No he does not. Tyler tells Lisa that she doesn't get it. He just wants to be a space shuttle pilot, not feel anything, and forget about his past. Then he turns on his heel and walks away. Oh my god, can Lisa just chuck him out an airlock now? Or at least go revenge fuck that hot Spaniard? Tyler is not worth the effort, girl. Lisa just stares after him looking hurt.
So she goes to talk to grandma. As one does. She tells Grandma that she was right and she does care about Tyler. But now Tyler doesn't want to be with her. WaaaaaaHhhhh! Diana tells her it is all going to be okay. Lisa confesses that she already ate an entire tub of Chunky Monkey and sobbed her way through Bridget Jones and she thinks her mother might suspect she's changed. Diana tells her to be careful, because her mother is very dangerous. Then she leans in to give Lisa a hug and Lisa steps back, startled. Like, whoa. But then Lisa's like, yeah. Like, yeah Miley Cyrus style. Lisa gives Grandma a full body squeeze and then hands her a communication device so they can always talk about their days and stuff and what color they are wearing and whether they are going to live in a Mansion, Apartment, Shack, or House when they grow up and Grandma gets out of the basement. Diana pats her on the head and as Lisa leaves, Grandma looks at the communicator with an evil grin. She's totally calling some 1-900 numbers.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates doesn't want to hug a Visitor. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.