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Father Jack, Ryan, and Kyle get their hands on a missile launcher and shoot down a V shuttle. Unfortunately, the transport was not carrying Visitors, but was instead filled with babies, puppies and unicorns. Father Jack is going to have a lot of Hail Marys to do to make up for that. Obviously, Anna is cackling hysterically in the background, because she knew this would happen.
Twelve hours earlier (yes, it's one of those shows), Joshua informs Ryan that after Ryan killed her soldier, Anna is pissed and is sending a transport of trackers after the Fifth Column. Ryan thinks they should shoot the damn shuttle out of the sky. Methinks this will end badly, because I am a fucking psychic. Erica and Kyle worry about media blowback from shooting an entire shuttle out of the sky, and Father Jack worries about the potential loss of innocent life, but Ryan is, like, totally positive that the shuttle will be filled with nothing but V soldiers. His intel is good (or maybe good-ish) and he really wants to blow the shuttle up. Please? Pretty please?
Chad Decker continues to harass Father Jack for access to the Fifth Column. Father Jack is a shite liar and also filled with possible guilt over possible injuries to possible humans possibly riding V shuttles. So he takes the bait and warns Chad not to ride the V-only shuttles today. Especially today. Chad takes the news straight to Anna because he is just that much of a dick. Anna knows the Fifth Column is behind the news, so she decides to teach them a little lesson.
Father Jack is having some serious Doubts, but everyone ignores him. And then they blow up the shuttle and kill lots of innocent bunnies and babies. ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE PRIEST, MOTHERFUCKERS. He has connections [pointing skyward]. This is all too much for Father Jack and his pro-[human] life values.
The FBI is all over the crash, and while Erica is poring through the evidence she notices something simultaneously suspicious and completely exonerating. The Vs loaded the shuttle with dead bodies --The Fab Four didn't kill anyone! Before they can celebrate, the evidence is deleted. The only suspect? Her boss. She dispatches Ryan to destroy the only evidence linking them to the crime.
Chad Decker heads back to the church to pry for more information. But Father Jack is too grumpy to chit-chat, so Chad fills in the void by mentioning his talk with Anna. So now Father Jack feels really guilty. He talks to his boss -- no, not God, but the Senior Priest, who recommends making a full confession to both God and the police. But no need, because he gets hauled into FBI HQ for driving the getaway van. Erica makes a big ruckus and tells Jack the truth about the dead bodies. This gives him the strength to ball up and holler his way out of holding. I mean, who is going to charge a priest? For her good work scaring a priest, Erica gets to run the Fifth Column Task Force. Her co-leader? Agent Malik (yes, Rehka Sharma, who might be a tetch sick of these roles) who, by the by, is a secret Visitor.
Much to Anna's displeasure, Lisa is getting in touch with her Feelings. And once she realizes the full horror show that is the Live Aboard Program, Lisa and her Feelings can't take it. Especially when she sees Tyler has joined the Live Aboard Program and is up for experimentation. Lisa does the only thing she can: She dumps Tyler. Luckily he always has his mommy. As for Lisa, she does not have her mommy's love at all. Anna arranges for Lisa to have her legs broken -- for the cause!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates would still let Tyler join the Live Aboard Program. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Mercenary Kyle, Father Jack, and Ryan the Rebel V run through a field with what looks like a guitar case. Urgent troubadour-ing needs guys? Kyle, Mercenary of All Trades, pulls a surface-to-air missile launcher out of his guitar case which doubles as an assassin's Swiss Army knife, aims it at a V shuttle and blows the No Batteries Required-looking motherfucker out of the sky. Father Jack, who Ryan and Kyle have mysteriously brought along with them, like DON'T BRING A PRIEST TO A MASS MURDER, numnuts!, wants to go issue last rites or something. He runs towards the wreckage, which is in about twelve million pieces, and stumbles across a baby doll. Oh shit! Visitors don't have baby dolls, not even American Girl collectible dolls. Visitors know nothing of investment value. Father Jack finds a body and instantly realizes the unimaginable: It's people. Kyle and Ryan are trying to rustle Jack out of the crash site so they can hightail it out of the crime scene, but he wants to looks for survivors or at least bits of survivors? He's hyperventilating in horror and not listening to Kyle who is pointing out that there is no way anyone survived that crash and if they did, well, zombies are no fun in the carpool lane. They have to get back to the city.
At FBI HQ, Agent Erica is pretending to work when suddenly everyone's phones starting ringing. She sidesteps into her office so no one will notice she is really unpopular and no one is calling her. She calls Ryan so she can pretend to be on the phone like all the cool kids. Ryan is in shock as he tries to report what he is seeing. Erica coaxes out of him the bad news: It wasn't a V shuttle, it was people. Aw crap. As sirens near, Kyle manages to keelhaul Jack away from the wreckage and they and Ryan skedaddle.
On the Mothership, No.2 reports to Anna that the shuttle was shot down, just as she planned. Damn, that bitch is evil! Anna smiles as No. 2 continues explaining that the human remains were found. Anna giggles that both law enforcement and the public will HATE this and will totally rise up against the culprits, the Fifth Column. Hahahahhahaha. Marcus and Anna high five, which makes me a tad suspicious about this whole "accident".
Suddenly "Twelve Hours Earlier" flashes across the bottom of the screen. So it's one of THOSE shows, eh? Every action/adventure drama has to have at least one episode where you see the apex of the action and then flash back and retrace the steps that led to that incident. It's like the writers looked at the calendar and said, oh, yep, only a few episodes left, better write that "Twelve Hours Earlier" episode. So, twelve hours ago, Ryan has returned to his and Val's home and is sobbing to himself while looking at all the detritus of their former happy life together. Before the house of card built on his lies and Val's stubborn stupidity and inability to forgive brought it all tumbling down. Even the pictures on the walls are askew because even the inanimate objects are filled with sorrow over the life that used to be, like a William Carlos Williams poem come to life. Oh, wait...there was a big scuffle between Ryan and the V security guards, so scratch that William Carlos Williams. Aw crap, I outed myself as a poetry nerd FOR NO REASON. I swear to god I am not wearing velvet and do not drink herbal tea and definitely do not know any harp players. Let's pretend this never happened. Nothing to see here, move along. Look! Squirrel bear! As Ryan is crying over a cracked and broken (literally, definitely not figuratively) picture of him and Val, his V communication device goes off. He had it set on vibrate in his front pocket, natch. It's Joshua with an important V update. He has learned that after Ryan et al killed the V Soldier, Anna got even testier. I mean that was one of her tadpole babies! But, wait. I thought they didn't kill the Soldier? I mean, they shot it and sliced it and fought it and Kyle put an axe in it, but I'm pretty sure it just walked away, right? Maybe it just went to die in the woods alone. Either way, Anna is determined to squash the resistance the same way she squashed that tadpole when she was making a point to Lisa: without hesitation and completely. Also, sticky. Also also, it's a good thing the Supreme Court approved the making of crush videos before that episode aired, right? Aw crap. Did I just out myself as a legal nerd too? I swear I do not smell like a law library or have any idea who Oliver Wendell Holmes is or what CPLR stands for. Nor do I ever wear Theory clothing (motto: Making clothes for young lawyers and those who just want to look like one). Anna is sending down a shuttle of V trackers to exterminate the problem. Joshua doesn't think Ryan should let that shuttle touch ground, because they will never be able to stop the trackers once they are let loose on terra firma. Ryan say no problem, he'll just track down a missile (on eBay maybe? Or the local Big Lots store?) and blow the shuttle out of the sky. Well so long as Joshua can get him the magical V code that will enable mere human technology to blow the fucker up. Joshua promises to find him the code.
Father Jack is doing his boxing priest work out. I don't know where I would find the numbers on this, but according to television and the movies, every priest boxes. Is this something they do in the seminary for fun? Was this an order from a Vatican encyclical? Or is this just a visual short cut for Fighting Irish leads to Irish Catholic leads to Boxing Catholic priests? So Father Jack is fulfilling his duty and beating up a bag when Erica wanders into the church. She points out he is dropping his right and then strips into a tank top for the Awkward Priestly Sexual Tension part of the show (not Jason Priestley, 'cause that would be even more awkward) and then she starts beating the bag, too. Kyle walks in on them and awkwardly makes a Thorn Birds reference, which would have been hilarious if I believed for a second that he, let alone Erica, read increasingly obscure romantic Australian family sagas. Also, show? PLEASE don't fabricate sexual tension between Father Jack and Erica. It is as unlikely as it is unnecessary. Really, Jack's struggle with his faith in light of the arrivals of the Visitors is sufficient tension, no need to add female troubles into the mix. Kyle then scoffs at Erica's boxing prowess. I mean: Lady boxers? What will they think of ? Erica defends her skillz because she has four brothers who obviously all boxed and nary a one was a librarian or an art historian. No, ALL boxers. Also, she's an FBI agent and as such must love boxing. Even Scully loved the Brutal Arts. Ryan interrupts their sporting life to announce that he needs to get his hands on a Stinger missile. Kyle pitches a tent in his pants at the thought of getting his hands on some real hardware, but both Father Jack and Erica are having a case of the doubts. While Erica may be a boxer, she may not have the balls to blow up an entire shuttle. And Father Jack has serious concerns about the potential loss of human life. But Ryan is firm: If the V trackers hit the ground, they are all dead. Even Kyle is starting to have doubts because blowing a shuttle out of the sky could make the Fifth Column look like terrorists. Ryan is convinced that with V body parts littering the ground, Anna will make sure that it is classified as a shuttle malfunction so the FBI will stay away and not start asking questions. Ryan also swears that his intel is perfect and there will be no humans on that shuttle and it will land in a remote area and no one will get hurt. Erica sighs and is suddenly onboard with the plan. Jack looks at her in shock that she would agree to go along with it. Kyle happily whips out his cell phone to call his friend on the Upper West Side of Manhattan who he knows has at least two or three Stinger missiles under his bed. For recreational use only, natch. Okay, knowing what happens 12 hours from now, Ryan's speech is pretty unconvincing. It's like he ju
st jumps and down and says, Blow it up! Blow it up! And pinky swears it will all be okay. And they believe him. I mean the whole conversation took two minutes, which seems to underestimate the importance of blowing up an entire space ship.
Father Jack takes his doubts to Jesus and while he is praying, Chad Decker walks in and totally unapologetically interrupts the praying priest and starts up with the double-crossing again. Really, Chad? You're going to interrupt a priest talking to the big JC so you can betray him? I don't even want to think what Dante would have done with the likes of you, but I bet it has something to do with being naked in a hot tub full of Anna's hungry babies. Father Jack quickly crosses himself while Chad is rambling about how the participants in the Live Aboard Program are eating out of Anna's hand and that has to be dangerous. He claims he wants to be part of the fight and Father Jack apologizes, but he doesn't know nothin'. He turns his back on Chad and starts walking toward the altar. Chad sighs, because he knows that he would be, like, super helpful to the rebel alliance because of his unfettered access to Anna. He is so super special that he even rides the V only shuttles! Quit boasting, Chad. Father Jack stops walking when he hears that. Oh, don't do it Father Jack! Father Jack does it: he asks Chad if he rides the V only shuttles every day and Chad nods. So Father Jack kindly suggests that maybe he not ride the V only shuttle at 6 o'clock today? Chad cocks an eyebrow at him and Jack explains that he just heard a whisper among his parishioners. What, you don't believe a priest? Chad silently thanks god for the tip and then he scoots off. Gosh, you don't think he's going straight to Anna, do you?
Up on the ship, little Lisa happens to see one human being comforting another. Anxious to witness honest human emotion, she wanders up to watch. She asks one woman if she is okay and the other woman explains that she had a nightmare. Then the woman leaves and Lisa sits down to the one with the vapors and asks what the nightmares were about. The woman explains that she is new to the Live Aboard Program and dreamt that she was naked and strapped down and before you think it's a dirty dream, she is taken down a tunnel into a lab and poked with a thousand needles. She knows it was a dream, but it was SO real. She puts her hand on Lisa's leg and OH YEAH, HERE WE GO; Lisa looks down at the hand and puts her hand on top. Total alien porn! Lisa tells her it is going to be okay. Hottttt! Anna is watching the entire interaction because adding a voyeur element really brings the triple X. She shuts it off quickly as Chad Decker walks into the room. Anna thanks him for his fair and unbiased look at the Live Aboard Program. He smiles and gleefully tells her of the potential threat against the V only shuttle today. Anna gives him a Milk Bone and assures him that there are no V only shuttles running today. However she is curious as to where he is getting this information. Chad suddenly gets all Mr. Journalistic Integrity and refuses to name his sources. Anna bites back a snarl and smiles prettily. No. 2 interrupts and sends Chad on his way. As soon as Chad's gone, Anna tells No. 2 that they haven't eliminated all Fifth Column from the ship and somebody leaked the information about the shuttle full of trackers heading to earth. No. 2 inquires whether Anna still wants to send down the trackers today. Anna smiles that if the Fifth Column wants to take down a shuttle, they will let them. They high five at their evil genius.
Kyle has found a Stinger missile and has downloaded the V code onto it. They are ready to rumble. Jack, however, is not satisfied and is plagued with doubts. Erica asks Ryan if he confirmed his info with Joshua, and he did. So they are going. Cut to Kyle, Ryan and Jack running through the field, setting up the missile, firing, and blowing the shuttle to pieces. If Jack is so full of doubts, why on earth did he go to the attack? Why not send as few people as possible? And also the two who are most ready for a fight? Anyway, as soon as Ryan tells Erica that it wasn't a V tracker team (not to be confused with the V track team who will be making their first Olympic bid in 2012) on the flight, but humans, Erica hangs up and immediately commences her Mom Freak Out Routine. She frantically calls Tyler who answers the phone and hears his mom hyperventilate. She explains what went down (literally and figuratively) and then Tyler commences his Girlfriend Freak Out Routine. Erica points out that it is highly unlikely that Lisa was on that shuttle, but you can see a soupcon of guilt creep into her face. Tyler takes off to go find her. Cut to Erica walking through the wreckage looking solemn and sad while the solemn and sad soundtrack plays. She falls to the ground overwhelmed with the sads. Watching this scene reminded me of way back when I covered the premier of a television series called Night Visions for Television Without Pity. The premiere episode was called The Passenger List and starred Aidan Quinn as an NTSB investigator who spent his days touring plane crashes. I had completely forgotten about that show until I saw this scene. I wonder what else I am forgetting from 2001?
At their underground lair, the Fab Four is not feeling very fabulous. They have each retreated to a corner to mope, mull, pray, cry. Erica wants answers, but Ryan doesn't have any. Kyle helpfully suggests that maybe Joshua set them up, but Ryan talked to him and Joshua was shocked (shocked!) at the news. Erica still wants answers and Ryan thinks the margin of error on this was slim to none. Jack jumps all over this like an irate statistician. The error rate has to be ZERO! If they are going to strike first and preemptively there has to be ZERO risk to human life. Erica agrees with him, but that's not enough for Father Jack. He's done. He's out. He leaves. Erica looks even gloomier, but Kyle is feeling chatty. He returns to their former conversation and explains that his favorite boxer was Floyd Patterson. He got knocked down the most, but liked to say that he got up the most. Aw, fuck. Now I have Chumbawumba stuck in my head. Add that to the list of reasons I dislike Kyle. Seriously, that song makes me wish I was on that V shuttle. Kyle asks them the rather deep question: Do you want to be the guy who got knocked down the most? Or the guy who got up the most? Erica and Ryan look pensive. Too bad Father Jack missed out on the boxing metaphor, I think it really would have resonated with him. Nothing like a good metaphor to help brush off the guilt over a mass murder!
Tyler rushes off the shuttle onto the Mothership. He sees Anna and grabs her wanting to know if Lisa is okay. Anna has no idea what he is talking about and he pants that he saw that the shuttle exploded and was so worried about the fate of his darling Lisa that he rushed onto the ship. Anna smiles that Lisa is fine and Tyler sort of gulps and reassesses his mission. He announces to Anna that he is joining the Live Aboard Program because he can't stand all the Worry and not seeing Lisa every second of every day. Unlike a human mom who would probably be calling the police for a restraining order, Anna smiles and sends Tyler home to pack. He'll be on board and with Lisa soon enough. Tyler turns around and gets back on the shuttle.
Erica heads back to the office and justifies her absence by explaining that she had to track down her alien-loving son for a little peace of mind. Her boss pats her maternal instincts on the back and then puts her to work. Agent Malik (Rekha Sharma's character whose name I never knew until I looked it up on IMDB right now) shows Erica the tread marks they found at the scene. Since they shut down the highway, but not the parkway, the terrorists had to go through a tollbooth. Luckily there were cameras on the tollbooth so they just have to cross-reference the tire track to the vehicles going through the toll. Erica surreptitiously calls Ryan and begs him to tell her that they didn't go through a tollbooth. He explains that they had no choice because their escape route was compromised. Erica tells him that he a
nd Kyle have to go wipe the footage at the offsite storage facility pronto. As she talks, she is flipping through evidence on the computer. She comes across a photo of some bones that makes her gasp. As she tears up looking at the picture of human bones, Ryan demands she tell him what is going on. She suddenly smiles, because the picture is of exonerating forensic evidence. She is her own Gil Grissom! The picture is of smooth bones, but when bones and flesh burn together, the bones crack and break. Smooth bones mean a fleshless skeleton was on the flight, which would only make sense if it was Halloween or if the Visitors set them up and loaded a shuttle with dead humans. They didn't kill anybody! Ryan and Erica are happy, but their joy is short lived because before Erica's eyes the photo is irretrievably deleted. She looks around the office to see who could be working for the Visitors and sees her boss staring at her and leaving the office. Ooh guilt, thy face is of a pasty middle-aged white guy.
Kyle and Ryan have scoped out the secure facility holding the footage of them going through the telltale tollbooth. Kyle sits in the van giving Ryan directions and keeping an eye out for the FBI who shows up the minute Ryan gets inside. Ryan finds the storage device and zaps it while Kyle shrieks like a girl trying to get him to scoot the scene before he is caught. Ryan doesn't break a sweat (still not sure whether Vs sweat) and calmly walks out the back door. Erica's boss finds the zonkered database and curses. Foiled again!
Chad Decker heads into the church and finds Father Jack staring glumly into the distance. Chad has come to simultaneously thank and castigate Father Jack. He knows Jack was trying to warn him, but he doesn't understand why the Fifth Column would hurt humans. Jack doesn't admit that he has any first hand knowledge of the events, but swears that he knows of no reason why the Fifth Column would intentionally commit species on species violence. Chad informs Jack that in order to keep his position with Anna he is going to have to come down hard on the Fifth Column so she doesn't think he is sympathetic to the cause. Jack shrugs, because, whatever lap dog. Chad puts on his extra serious face and tells Jack that if he is Fifth Column, things are about to get very bad for him. Jack rolls his eyes at Chad's arrogance and points out again that he is not Fifth Column. Chad leans back on the pew momentarily defeated by the obstinate priest. He sighs that Anna was totally surprised by the attack. She never saw it coming. Jack perks up at that and asks, "You told her??" and Chad pretends he only mentioned it in passing and, yeah, Anna was really surprised. Jack looks very thoughtful as Chad wanders off to do some Journalism.
Up on the Mothership, Anna explains for the slow learners that everything is going according to plan. Blowing up the shuttle backfired for the Fifth Column and now everyone thinks they are terrorists. She and No. 2 high five again. Lisa comes in to join the gaggle and Anna, who has been practicing her sorrowful faces in preparation for tonight's press conference, asks her and No.2's opinion on looking human. No. 2 thinks all the faces of sad look good, but Lisa thinks the second one looked the most sincere. Anna stares at her and her FEELINGS for a moment and then congratulates her on her improving grasp on human emotion. Lisa looks nervous at that compliment, swallows hard, thanks her mother and hightails it out of there. Anna turns and her face turns to stone. Mama bear need a hug? Go on, give her a cuddle.
Father Jack is having a struggle. His faith in himself has been shaken and he doesn't have time for any of the Catholic Church's confidence building seminars, including his own helpful tutorial. Luckily he has his old confidante the aged priest who wanders the halls of the church trying to not look suspicious. Father Jack explains that his crisis of faith is not based on acts of war from his life as an army chaplain, but based on current events. The old Father recommends making a full confession ...to the police. Oh Father Jack please have more sense than that!
Erica is on the job when Ryan calls to confirm that they wiped the security footage and there is no trace of their illicit activities. Erica quickly hangs up as her potentially alien boss approaches. She asks him how his outing to gather evidence went. He explains that since the attackers seemed like pros (oh was it the blowing the shuttle out of the sky with a missile that tipped you off? Or the breaking into a secure facility and wiping a hard drive that did it?) he figured they cased the joint and traced a route before the actual event. So he went back and reviewed the tape from earlier that day. Erica uses her ability to look completely blank at all times to great advantage and asks if he has any suspects. He replies that one name "rang the cherries". Is that a saying? I have never heard that in my life. Is that supposed to a folksy aphorism indicative of a long career in law enforcement? Because it's just kind of jarring in that NO ONE SAYS IT. Anyway. He explains that the suspect isn't your typical terrorist. He opens the door to the holding cell to reveal: Father Jack. Obviously, Erica's face is blank. Erica's boss sits across from Father Jack and explains the evidence they have placing him at the scene: a tire track from the crime scene and a picture of him going through a tollbooth in a van hours earlier. Wait...what? They hauled a PRIEST into FBI HQ based on THAT? I call bullshit. You don't go bringing priests in for questioning based on such flimsy evidence. I've watched seven years of Law & Order, I know things. There would be a serious public outcry to collaring priests. The Bossman tells Jack that he has sat across from a lot of remorseless criminals, but he can read the guilt in Father Jack's eyes. He knows he wants to make a full confession. Erica is blank, but almost twitchy watching Jack struggle. Yes, Erica, that's called ACTING. Make a note of it, maybe try it sometime. Just as Jack is about to say something possibly incriminating, Erica springs to life slamming the table with her fist and demanding that he answer, because this is not a game! She then asks her boss to go fetch some crime scene photos to really show the priest the horror of his actions. The second the boss is gone Erica leans over to Jack and quickly explains that the Vs loaded the shuttle with dead bodies and they didn't kill anyone. She then yells some more to make it seems like she does not lack the cojones to threaten a priest. The boss comes back with Agent Malik and a sheaf of photos while Erica goes on hollering at the priest. She demands an explanation for the tire track. Father Jack prays a moment and then starts hollering back: It's a freaking tire track. The tire tread is not unique. His own church bought a dozen tires (yes, your tithing goes to tires) and there are probably hundreds of other vehicles with the same tires. As for why he was on the parkway, IT'S A STATE PARKWAY. He was visiting a parishioner. The boss stupidly asks for confirmation of that and Jack replies, um, duh, I'm a priest, it's confidential. Then Jack gets downright uppity and demands to know if they really dragged him away from his parish because of a common tire tread and a picture of him on a public road? He demands that they charge him or let him go. They let him go and Erica tries really hard not to giggle.
Up on the Mothership, Lisa stages a one-woman alien interpretation of Alice in Wonderland. She sees a door, opens it, and falls down a rabbit hole of horror. She walks down a tunnel lit by glowing red lights and follows as V doctors cart a human "guest" towards a lab. The guest is a woman, who is naked, but strapped to a table with metal modesty guards covering the important bits. I know this show is on primetime network television, but I have a hard time thinking the Vs care at all about human modesty. Anyway. Lisa follows the doctors down the dark tunnel and she hears the voice of the scared woman she comforted earlier recounting her "nightmare" of being led down a tunnel of red arrows by doctors and being pierced with needles. Lisa goes into the laboratory and watches as an ominous machine appears over the strapped woman. It is a Machine of a Thousand Needles, all of which are headed for every inch of the bound woman who is screaming and screaming. The contraption would make both Edgar Allen Poe and that guy from Saw really proud. As she sees the frightened woman Lisa struggles not to let her Feelings show, but the woman's fear and pain is palpable. Lisa turns away from the awful scene to study a list of all the participants in the Live Aboard Program, knowing that they are all for The Treatment. Then she sees Tyler's face pop up. Obviously she has to take action. She beams down to the suburbs in a hurry. Tyler happily lets her into his house and thanks her for helping him come pack his Abercrombie tees for the Live Aboard Program. But Lisa's not here to help him pack. She doesn't think he should come live on the ship. In fact she doesn't think he should come within 500 yards of her. She hands him her restraining order signed by both a U.S. judge and an intergalactic court and Judge Judy, just in case. Tyler doesn't get it, but Lisa reminds him that he is pretty much a total teenage douche and she is an advanced alien lifeform. Tyler sputters, but but what about what happened on the shuttle? That was real, man. Lisa rolls her eyes and explains that she just wanted to see what it felt like, but now that she has her name up in the bathroom of the local Mickey D's, she really doesn't need him. Tyler looks crushed as Lisa leaves. Probably because it is going to be really hard to blame his mom for this.
While Lisa is saving Tyler by breaking his heart, Anna is practicing pretending to have Feelings at her press conference. She is emoting all over the place telling the Good People of Earth how much she is hurt by this tragedy. Every life is sacred, you know? They were attacked by the Fifth Column only because they were from somewhere else; just because they were different. And they weren't even in Arizona! Her full and brittle alien heart could not possibly tolerate another senseless loss of humans. Due to the threats of the Fifth Column, she is considering leaving earth entirely. The reporters at the press conference all gasp in unison, except for Chad Decker who is standing stoically in the front row. Anna looks sorrowful for the cameras and then turns to leave, pausing momentarily to smirk fleetingly at No. 2. Stupid people.
At FBI HQ, Erica's office watches the press conference en masse. As Anna makes herself look pitiful for the camera, Erica's Bossman orders Agent Malik up to the ship. He wants her to impress upon Anna that the FBI is doing everything they can to find the Fifth Column. Erica watches him suspiciously. Later, Erica has settled back at her desk and seems to be trying to trace the lost photos of the smooth bones, when someone interrupts. Kendrick (a.k.a. Bossman) wants to see Erica about her involvement with the Fifth Column, pronto. Erica gulps, but, you know, her face is blank as she heads into the war room full expecting the worst. She walks in slow motion so we know she is nervous. Erica walks into a room full of suits. Kendrick stands at attention and informs Erica that he won't let anything else harm the Visitors. She gulps. He has authority from the highest levels to form a Fifth Column taskforce. They want her to head it up. Erica almost smiles in relief. Then she glances over and sees Kyle's face as the Prime Suspect. Almost. Kendrick explains that she will be heading it up with Agent Malik. Speaking of Malik, she has finally made it up to the Mothership. She walks into Anna's office, bows, and calls Anna her queen. Um, either Malik has some weird ass manners or she's a Visitor. IF YOU PLAN ON WATCHING BATTLESTAR GALACTICA DO NOT READ THIS SENTENCE: I wonder if Rekha Sharma likes getting typecast as a traitor to humanity? But I guess she owns that particular character niche. YO
U MAY CONTINUE READING NOW. Anna pats Malik on her back for all her hard work and Malik explains that she logged onto the computer as Kendrick and deleted the damning photos of the non-burned bones before they could be sent to the forensic anthropologist. Malik gleefully reports that just as Anna expected, a task force has been formed and Malik now has the full weight and backing of the United States government behind her as she hunts down the Fifth Column. Anna giggles and claps her hands. It's alien Christmas!
At the Fab Four's underground lair, Chad Decker is reporting on the upsurge in support for the Visitors after the attack. Erica mutes him and reminds Kyle that since he is the most wanted man in America and John Walsh is all up in his bum, he has to be super extra double careful not to get caught. Kyle points out that they all blew up that shuttle together and she best be protecting that there bum. Father Jack unexpectedly joins the party. When he sees Chad Decker on the television, he admits that when he found out Chad Decker rode the V only shuttles, he warned him. Then Chad inadvertently warned Anna. Kyle just about chokes the priest (which is not a euphemism, although I suppose it could be) and warns him not to trust anyone. Father Jack shrugs, pulls open his cassock to reveal a "I'm Pro-Life and I Vote" t-shirt. He will never knowingly sacrifice even one human life. Erica agrees with him about saving human life. She doesn't want to be like the Visitors. They will fight, but they won't kill. Ryan who has been very quiet this episode probably because he totally hogged the spotlight last time, suddenly pipes up that Anna loves to turn people's emotions against them. Then he quiets down again so Kyle can mock all their namby pamby Feelings. They aren't Freedom Fighters or rebels, they are terrorists. Are they willing to bear that cross? Father Jack smiles at the reference because they covered it in their last group bible study. Erica is willing to because no one else is willing to fight and Father Jack agrees. Then they make eyes at each other. STOP THAT THIS INSTANT.
Erica finds Tyler sitting erect on the couch at home boldly chanting, "Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry." and listening to the saddest songs from the Nickelback album. He apologizes to Erica for being a tool for the entire run of the show. She is grateful, but asks him what's wrong and he explains that he loved Lisa, but she was using him FOR SEX! He wails and falls into his mother's grossed out embrace.
Up on the Mothership, No. 2 relays the news to Anna that nations around the world are calling to express their sympathy and support. They are all concerned that the Visitors will leave. Anna smirks that they will use their fear against them and achieve global domination in no time. You know, considering how evil Anna is, it is kind of surprising that she doesn't have a white cat to pet nor a gold pinkie ring. Lisa comes in to report to her mother the sad news: She has failed in her mission to bring Tyler onto the ship. She pushed too hard and Tyler dumped her. She thinks the pull of his mother was too great, big old whiny mama's boy that he is. Anna, having talked to Tyler, knows this is complete bullshit, but smiles calmly at Lisa. She has a plan to get Tyler back. She winds up and nails Lisa in the face. Lisa is shocked at her Mommy Dearest, but Anna swears that the biggest temptress is a damsel in distress. She explains that Lisa was injured in a Fifth Column attack and that will make Tyler come running back to her. For extra realness, Anna orders her guards to break Lisa's legs. Someone buy the woman a cat!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates would still let Tyler join the Live Aboard Program. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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