Ron, looking warily pleased with himself, strolls up to Steven and Shaggy for a daily affirmation. He's wearing a nondescript gray t-shirt and yet he's feeling awfully...well, descript. "I could be crazy, but...am I kind of looking good today?" he asks. His pals give him the once-over before nodding, impressed. "I thought so!" crows Ron. "I put on my clothes, and some days I look okay, and some days I look like a fat old man, but...today, I'm, like, a good-looking guy!" Yeah, he puts the "Ron" in "Ron." Whatever that means. Shaggy hails Heath, who emerges from his room in a bathrobe, and points out Ron's suaveness. Heath acknowledges it enthusiastically, but tempers it with "That's odd!" Ha. Shaggy decides he wants some accolades, but Heath recoils when he spies a giant festering geyser of pus just under Shaggy's left eye. "What happened to your face, man?" Heath gasps. This bruises Shaggy. "It's just a pimple! God!" he pouts. No, that thing is a volcano. I had one on my nose the week prior to my sister's wedding, and there was much stress. Wailing. Gnashing of teeth. And in the end? It vanished the morning of the ceremony. "Can you see out of that thing?" Ron gawks, staring straight into the mouth of Vesuvius and waving his hand up and down past its frothing apex. As Shaggy looks wounded, something Timm Sharp has turned into an art form, Steven is distracted by the ringing phone.
"Neo, the Oracle has spoken -- you are the chosen one," intones an odd-looking guy who Freaks & Geeks fans still probably didn't recognize as Martin Starr (Bill), who has scrapped the glasses and the pocked skin in favor of a stringy dark bob. He vaguely resembles the adult incarnation of the guy I took a bath with when I was four. What? Don't look at me like that -- he was also four. It was all very innocent. We'd just been playing with Vaseline, and...hang on, I suspect I've revealed too much. Backing away...Steven excuses himself from the common room and retreats into his bedroom. "Hey, Theo," Steven grins. "I mean...'Morpheus, what is the matrix?'" Damn, that's a good Keanu Reeves impression. I imagine it's hard for people with actual acting talent to replicate Keanu's unique brand of bland, but Jay Baruchel pulls it off. Steven cheerfully asks Theo how high school is going. "Still sucks," Theo moans. Steven reminds Theo that being a senior should mitigate some of the pain, but Theo grouses that the juniors are hassling him now, and "some of them have gotten so huge." Steven advises him to hang in there, because college rocks and it's so worth the pain of high school. He's putting up a wiser façade than he probably should, although the guy is getting laid with regularity, so I can see why he might feel that he's gained an immense amount of life experience. Hating your high-school experience definitely makes college that much more spectacular. One of the only merits of mine was that I mastered the art of drinking, and showed up at college with a distinct advantage over many of my fellow freshmen. Dear Molson Special Dry: Thank you for teaching me about puking. Love, Heather. Theo finagles an invitation to come visit Steven, suggesting Friday. Steven's clearly ill-at-ease, but agrees. "I'll see you Friday, Neo," intones Theo. Steven starts to reply, then clears his throat and desists when Heath appears in the room. Heath regards him with curious confusion.
Steven turns to Hal for advice. I know, I know, he probably shouldn't bother. But Steven never listens to our warnings. "Your mom and I still fight," Hal says. "Hell, we even get it on every once in a while!" Steven nods uncomfortably. He knows it's true. It happened in his bed. He had to burn the sheets. Then he burned the replacement sheets for good measure. Steven, of course, also isn't heartened to hear stories of a dysfunctional yet neverending relationship. Hal cottons to this and tries to reassure Steven that he's got to be a better boyfriend than Eric. "Hell, you've got the Karp ass!" he bubbles. Like that's ever helped anyone. But Steven blushes because he's proud of his mildly fleshy ass bones. Steven laments that Eric's more manly -- taller, and experienced. All Steven has is Carmen Smithly, Maryland's answer to Florence Nightingale, except Flo actually existed. "I'm a geek, Dad!" Steven whimpers. "I'm such a geek." Hal calmly advises his son to simply one-up Eric at everything, but Steven protests that he can't make Lizzie 3-D graphics and harness an entire copy shop's resources to silkscreen unflattering images of himself onto Lizzie's bedding. He says that like it's a detriment. "I mean, like, he was really romantic," Steven laments. Hal tells Steven to punch up the romance and put Lizzie on an even higher pedestal. Steven wants ideas from Hal -- things Steven's mom always wanted Hal to do, but that he never did. "Learn to read minds," Hal states plainly. Steven, finally spotting Futility after it donned a chartreuse loincloth and spanked him with a palm frond just to get his attention, invents a class and rushes off to not attend it.
Lizzie admires an invitation to "a perfect night of love" at 8 PM. Rachel coos over it. Lizzie remembers when Eric filled his ex-stepdad's hot tub with pink champagne and they bathed in it. "That sounds nice," Rachel beams. Lizzie shrugs. "We got urinary-tract infections," she admits. "But it was...nice." Larice asks point-blank whether Lizzie plans to get back together with Eric. "No," she says immediately. "I mean, I don't think so." Rachel and Larice swap mildly concerned expressions.
Later, the girls corral Steven and giggle about his planned night of love. He's glowing with the glory of his cunning plan, which is to make Lizzie chicken parmigiana and watch The Last Boy Scout. I love that they've subtly made Steven a movie geek. He and Perry bonded overTotal Recall; last week he likened his mussed sheets toBasic Instinct; and he and Theo quote The Matrix. It's an interesting touch, and I wonder how much of it's been accidental. "Damon Wayans is such a bad-ass," Steven sighs dreamily. Larice snorts. "Do you like dating Lizzie?" she asks. "Do you want to keep dating Lizzie? Because she's been combing her hair a lot lately." Steven is apoplectic at Larice's implication. Rachel bitchily says she's been telling "everyone" that they're headed for disaster. "Well, you never said it to me!" squeaks Steven. Rachel and Larice offer to help because, they admit, they hate Eric and desperately want him to piss off in a major way. "Neo," a voice booms from down the hall. "There is no spoon." It's Theo, and he proceeds to reenact what I assume is a funky matter-manipulation scene from The Matrix. Rachel and Larice's jaws hit the floor so hard that they crack into the third circle of hell. They run. Steven shakes his head with a gentle cringe, all, "Ohhhhh," like a figure-skating commentator when someone flubs a jump and ass-plants on the ice.
Steven escorts Theo to the ping-pong table, all the better to ream him out and make him feel totally unwelcome. "You said you were coming Friday," Steven accuses. "Today is Friday," notes Theo. "You said it this morning...Why not say, 'today'?" Steven gripes. Theo doesn't understand why compassion and human decency had to die in this age of terror. "You'd think under the current climate, people would be nicer," he snipes. "We're all Americans." Except for those of you who are Canadian or British, which is, like, half the cast. Steven explains uncomfortably that this is a bad time because he's got a date planned with his girlfriend. Theo's amazed that Steven found a girl who didn't mistake him for a scarecrow. He's also wounded that Steven never told him. Steven promises that Theo will have fun, and that Ron, Shaggy and Heath will show him the glories of college. Lest we doubt him, Steven whips out the adjective to erase all uncertainty: wicked.
Naturally, Heath, Ron, and Shaggy refuse to handhold Theo through his first night on the big campus. Steven begs them. They're immune to his words. "No way," Heath states. "We're trying to hook up with some birds tonight, and [Vesuvius] is enough of an obstacle." Vesuvius gurgles. It knows. Shaggy winces. He also knows. Steven swears that if he doesn't make this date happen, he'll lose Lizzie, and it can't be the perfect night of love if Theo's hanging around trying to be Laurence Fishbourne. "Boom shaka-laka," shouts Theo; he's playing ping-pong with The Samoan, who isn't wearing his Jerry Rice jersey today. I hope the love affair hasn't ended. Ron deems it a perfect night of love, "for me to POOP on!" Huh. One of the rare jokes that only works if you're a rubber dog and you have someone's hand jammed up your ass. "You guys really suck, you know that?" spits Steven angrily. Heath wrestles with his conscience, and gets pinned like a sorority girl in heat. He reluctantly agrees to take Keanu -- except duh, Theo is Morpheus, not Neo -- as long as the kid can keep up. Steven thanks him effusively. "Beeyatch!" shouts Theo, smashing the ping-pong ball straight into The Samoan's belly where it belongs.
Steven gleefully plucks a can of whipped cream off the grocery-store shelf. Rachel sighs and puts it back, shaking her head. This kicks off a montage of supermarket tomfoolery. Steven grabs a literal armload of condom boxes and grins, "Well, I think I have enough condoms...for tonight!" Rachel and Larice stare at him and shake their heads. Then Steven holds up two bottles and asks a disenchanted checkout boy whether the heat-activated or edible massage oil is best. Finally, Steven surveys his haul of wine, cheese, roses, and candles and proclaims this "the most specialest night ever!" He is three. And how is he getting out of there with wine? Only the world's blindest and stupidest person would think Steven is of age. "Eric can bite my DUST!" Steven whoops, then hops on the cart and rides it triumphantly down the aisle, only to crash into another cart and fall. Rachel and Larice grimace again. They do a lot of that.
In the elevator, Heath tells Theo that college girls really like guys who hang around unobtrusively and say nothing. And, as the only one dressed in a pale yellow and blue argyle sweater-vest with a tie, Heath is clearly the authority on what girls like. If by "girls" you mean "octogenarian Fred Rogers fetishists." Yeah, yeah, I know Fred wore cardigans, but it's the same basic frumpy fashion statement. Theo nods sagely at Heath's words. If silence is sexy, he'll be the Marcel Marceau of college guys. "You too," Ron grumps at Shaggy. "Chill out and don't embarrass your zit." Shaggy figures the Vesuvius jokes are getting old, but Ron points out that they never get old. Ever. "It's as fresh as the pus on your zit," Heath snickers. Vesuvius burps up a pusball that explodes on Heath's head, plastering his hair into submission. There's no other explanation for the disaster on his head.
Floor Seven. People dance. Someone dressed as a bobby walks past. "Take me to jail!" Ron whistles appreciatively. "Wicked!" Theo beams. "Let's strike while the Ron is hot," Ron decides.
Steven fusses around the room, which he's decorated with candles and strings of white Christmas lights. He's in a blazer and tie, the typical uniform of college guys trying to get dressy. He opens the door to Lizzie, who looks really pretty in a peach party dress. He brightens appreciatively.
"And that is why Freddy got fingered!" Theo explains triumphantly to Heath, who could not give a shit if he downed three vats of Ex-Lax. Theo bristles and trumpets the film as a radical anti-comedy. "Did you even see it?" he accuses. Heath interrupts to point out his blonde angel in the corner. She's pretty, but not the knockout I was expecting. She's a prettier version of Sarah Chalke of Scrubs -- Becky 2.0 from Roseanne -- and more cute than hot. But, potato, po-tah-to. Heath drools. "Look at her, scampering around," he oozes. "Like a little bunny." Shaggy groans. "Don't have sex with the bunny," he pleads. That's right, folks. Greg the Bunny: Don't do him. Heath instructs Theo to watch and learn. "I'll see you four later," he breezes. Ron establishes for Shaggy's benefit that Vesuvius is their fourth. Shaggy is upset that he has a conjoined twin growing out of his cheek.
Heath sidles up to Angel and says, "Hey, tiger." She's wearing a "Tigers" t-shirt. See what he did there? He took her t-shirt and turned it into a clever line. This is textbook stuff. He sweetly offers to procure her a beverage, but Angel sadly says she must leave to get some work done. "Oh, come on, I was thinking of a wee trip to Scotland for a single malt dram," Heath says in a thick brogue. "Care to join me, lassie?" Angel considers this, but says she was actually considering the Norway room. "Great, but cold, very cold," Heath notes smoothly. "I think I should come with you [to] keep you warm." Angel smiles, and they go to Norway.
That gooey love song "The Look of Love" plays as Lizzie and Steven get mushy during diner. He's chatty, she's interested, they eat. Whee! Bliss.
Theo, meanwhile, is chugging beer in Israel, hoisted and rotated by a bunch of guys in yarmulkes. And Ron. I feel like there are people who would pay a lot on eBay to make that dream date a reality.
Cut back to Lizzie, who swaps goofy grins with her boyfriend. Steven is the picture of erudite conversation. Of course, for all we know, he's saying, "And that's why my socks smell like Cheese Nips."
The gang enters Jamaica, greeted by a thick hash haze that engulfs them. Shaggy and Vesuvius don the appropriate cap and dreds and spin around, laughing and partying. Poor Shaggy. He doesn't know that, pretty soon, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are going to try jumping into his face.
Lizzie slurps a noodle...and then eats her pasta. She and Steven clink glasses full of red wine.
Over in Canada, a bunch of guys dressed as hockey players cheer on Theo and Ron, who are having a hockey brawl of some kind. While Steve and Lizzie dance, and he dips her, the boozehounds of Britain spin Theo around and around and scream into his ear. Theo is visibly hammered and nauseous. He's wearing a crown that resembles a life-size version of one of those classy air fresheners. As someone pointed out, the only floaters between rooms appear to be our lovable motley crew. Everyone else is dressed according to the room's nationality. Anyway, Shaggy screams, "You're not drinking beer!" into Theo's ear. Then, later, Shaggy screams, "You're drinking beer!" Theo looks like he's going to vomit himself into oblivion. Woo! You're in college now, boy!
Theo barrels up to Ron and Shaggy, bumping them intentionally but probably unable to have prevented it anyway. "Zit Man, how's it going?" he slurs. "Your zit has its own zip code. Zit code." Shaggy hates that people won't leave Vesuvius to brew its toxic lava in peace. He and Ron explain that this isn't the right time. "No, not the time to hang out with a guy with a big zit on his face, and an ugly guy who thinks he's really good-looking," chortles Theo. Ron's disappointed that he's lost the hotness. Shaggy, though, has an epiphany. He, joined by Ron once he gets the gist the scheme, convinces Theo that Angel is hot for him and isn't interested in Heath. Ron even pretends to remember that Angel "loves Freddy's Got Fingers." Theo is thrilled, and staggers off to penetrate the Angel's halo. "See you later, zit," he mutters.
Lizzie and Steven curl up on his couch, where she admits how little she really knows about him. "It's not your fault," he coos. "I've always been a private guy, which is probably why I was so popular in high school." Lizzie wonders if he was just extraordinarily popular. "Gosh, I hate that word," Steven sighs. "I was well-liked." Lizzie doesn't notice the smoke rising from Steven's pants.
Heath charmingly draws out of Angel that she's a pre-law major. "Great, I need a lawyer," he grins. "I just have this feeling I'm going to get into trouble for something." Angel laughs. Heath invites himself to her room to discuss the merits of his case, and she casually agrees as long as Nina doesn't mind. "I won't if Nina don't," he leers. Angel glares at him. "Nina was my roommate," she snaps. "Was"? Whatever. Heath doesn't have a clue what she means. "She consoled you that night you were so lonely and homesick, and then you had sex with her and never talked to her again," Angel hisses self-righteously. Heath, well aware he's busted, pretends to remember Nina and feigns interest in her well-being. "Maybe you'd know if you ever called her or talked to her," fumes Angel. She now has a commanding lead over him.
Theo appears to cock-block Heath, although Heath doesn't appear to need help in that department. "I'm here for her," Theo announces, slurring an introduction to Angel. She's very nice about it. Theo turns to Heath and pretends to see him for the first time. "Oh my God, it's Heath Ledger," he drawls. "Hey, I just saw Heather Graham leaving. Oh, no, she just left you." Yay! Shout-outs! I seriously got giddy. They worked that in so seamlessly. And I laughed. "Hey, the only difference between your name and hers is 'er,' which...is a really good show," Theo says. Except it isn't. But the juxtaposition of "Heather" and "ER," which they didn't know I also recap, counts as my accidental shout-out. Hooray! Welcome to the City of Shout-Out. I am your mayor. We like to throw our hands up and shout. Every movie theater shows John Travolta's crappy movie, Shout. Our town song is "Shout" by Tears for Fears, and we Shout out our stains. And we drink a lot of Diet Coke. Why? Just because. Angel cracks up at Theo's joshing. "Want me to get rid of this guy?" Theo asks Angel, to Heath's extreme irritation. Angel nods, but instead Theo takes her to the Brazilian room to woo her with dance. "I'm very good at...the Brazilian art of fight-dancing," he brags. Angel takes his arm and leaves, promising only one dance because she's got work. "Now, you say 'just one,' but later you say, 'just wonderful,'" Theo babbles. He then brings up Freddy Got Fingered, and she's polite enough not to slap him. Heath fumes. This figurative cold-cocking doesn't go down well.
Rachel and Larice are doing their nails. What the hell? Rachel would totally be up there tearing off her shirt in the Sweden room or something. The phone rings, and Rachel answers; it's Eric, and terror seizes her. She chokes that Lizzie's not around, but swears Lizzie isn't out with Steven. "Don't lie, just tell me!" Eric demands. "I know you too well!" Rachel stammers repeatedly, over his screams, that Lizzie isn't with Steven. Then she grins weakly and thrusts the phone at Larice. "He wants to talk to you," Rachel lies. Larice brings the sassy. Eric goes, "Who the hell is this?" Larice is offended. "It's [Larice]. I live here," she lips. "No you don't," he insists. I think this is the funniest line of the episode, only because of the fact that FOX hasn't aired the one in which she moves in. It feels like an inside joke even though it's an accident. Eric suddenly decides that this is another one of Steven's clever schemes, that little chameleonic rapscallion. "Nice try, minuteman!" Eric shouts. "Let me tell you something..." Larice rolls her eyes and hangs up the phone. See, Rachel? That's called having a spine.
Lizzie is lying down with her shirt off, and Steven massages her shoulders. His tie's loose, indicating that he's almost primed for naughty time. Aw. Not a geek, not yet a studmuffin. "Hey, try this," he giggles. "Say 'aaaah.'" Lizzie obliges, and Steven starts chopping her back so that her voice vibrates. Lizzie's all, "What now?" but tolerates the weirdness because Steven is sweet and harmless and will touch her nipples soon.
Theo and Angel dance together, with her in the front gyrating and his hands on her waist. Shaggy and Ron laugh themselves silly. Vesuvius gurgles its approval. Angel wiggles her breasts. Heath tries to look pitiful, but Angel isn't really paying him a whit of attention, so he wanders over to wreak havoc. "Theo, wow, look at you, you're like Patrick Swayze over here," Heath says, feigning admiration. He curtly tells Angel, through smiling lips, that he thought she had to study. "Hey, Heath, the Queen wants you back at Suckingham Palace," Theo interrupts. Ha! Angel laughs, too. And, woo! A second "Heath" reference! Hurrah! In the immortal words of Tim Curry as Wadsworth, "I'm not shouting...All right, I am. I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shou-" And here's where the candlestick would bop me on the head. And...scene. Anyway, Martin Starr is doing such a good job -- he's the embodiment of a high-school guy getting a taste of college life, and I'm loving it. Heath smiles again, very tightly, and escorts Theo away from Angel. "I have a chance here," Theo protests. Heath cruelly swears that he doesn't have a chance, and that Ron and Shaggy were just trying to mess with him and lied about Angel finding him cute. "She doesn't like Freddy Got Fingered?" Theo gasps, crushed. "You guys are worse than the juniors. I hate you!" Theo runs away. Aw.
Angel peers curiously at Heath. "Where's Theo going?" she asks suspiciously. "He had to go back to Annoyingland," Heath replies. Oooh, good one, Jerry Swinefeld. Heath quietly swears he didn't intend to hurt Nina. "It was just a drunken party thing," he says, as if that distinguishes it from what he's trying to do with her, here at this big drunken party. "I'll make sure I don't make the same mistake," she sasses. Heath begs for a second chance and re-introduces himself, figuring the start-all-over-again thing cannot fail to charm her. "Oh, you're that guy who had sex with my roommate and was mean to that high-school kid!" Angel snipes. "Pleased to meet you. I'm leaving." Ron and Shaggy crack up as Angel flounces away from Heath.
Steven offers to massage Lizzie's front, if she wants to roll over. She does, and as they start to kiss, Theo bursts in and demands that Steven throw down with him immediately. Lizzie shrieks and scoots behind Steven. "Whoa, boobs!" blurts Theo. Aw! It's his first time! Steven uncomfortably insists it's a bad time, and a wounded Theo whines that it's never a good time, especially not since Steven abandoned him in high school for a whole year "just because [Theo was] born in November." Dude, take it up with your parents. Steven swears they're still best friends. "No, now that you have your first girlfriend, everything's changed," spits Theo. Lizzie snaps back to reality. Confused, she reminds Theo that Carmen Smithly was Steven's first girlfriend, and points Theo to a photo of Carmen. Theo gags. "Ugh, that's my sister!" he yells. "You made my sister out to be your imaginary girlfriend?" Lizzie is stunned. Steven hangs his head.
Angel waits for the elevator as Heath ogles her longingly. "Now we're even for the zit jokes," Shaggy says. Heath grouchily points out that Ron made jokes, too. Why not mess with his life? "There's nothing to ruin," Shaggy points out smugly. Ron raises his glass to that. He tells Heath to sack up and just find another girl, which should be simple enough. But Heath, having tasted rejection and gotten hooked on the thrill of the chase, only wants Angel. He vows to get her as the elevator doors close, obscuring her spaced-out face. Ron glares at Vesuvius. Vesuvius silently dares Ron to fondle it. "It's time," Ron decides. "I'm popping it." Shaggy slaps Ron's hand away, and the two get into a minor catfight that ends with them both falling down and swatting each other.
Lizzie tells Steven she doesn't care if he never had a girlfriend before her, and although she thanks him for the lovely night, she points out that Eric used to inundate her with romance and it got creepy after a while. Steven sadly wonders why she's still talking to him. "Because he calls five times a day," she responds. "And if I don't answer, he calls fifty times a day. But it means nothing." Steven's heartened by this, despite the fact that five times is still the hallmark of a stalker.