A co-worker the other day asked how I was enjoying recapping Undeclared. "Because I can't get into it," he said, with a shrug that hinted of derision. "It's all that stuff about college guys running around trying to get laid." I bristled. I explained that the show's humor and characters are far more charming than his one-sentence analysis suggests. He decided to watch it again. And what did he see? An episode focused entirely on college guys running around trying to get laid. There's no justice.
We fade up on Lizzie asleep to a long spaghetti noodle. Oh, wait, no -- it moved, so it's probably Steven. After having hooked up for the second time, they're trying and failing to share a tiny twin bed. Lizzie has all the covers, and Steven is huddled on the brink, shivering and ready to drop right off. I sympathize. One year, my boyfriend and I had to share his twin-bed loft, which was maybe two feet from the ceiling. When we switched to my new full-size bed two years later, it felt like Texas. Heath peeks into the room and snickers under his breath, then creeps inside and jokingly caresses Steven's eyebrows. Steven awakens slowly with a dreamy grin that turns to irritation when he sees Heath, not Lizzie, stroking his face. "Congratulations, you little hound dog," whispers Heath mischievously. Steven immediately freaks out, assuming Heath slept in there and "saw something." Heath, though, had made other accommodations, probably because he knew that staying in the room wouldn't exactly teach him techniques he didn't outgrow when he was sixteen. Heath wonders if Steven and Lizzie had sex, employing the ever-classy Fist Pump of Penetration to communicate his meaning. When Lizzie rolls over, awake, it turns into an innocent wave. He's so smooth. "Hey Stevie," she coos gently. They awkwardly pucker up, Steven kissing her cheek while Lizzie smooches the air near his face. She hurriedly gets up. "Will m'lady be needing an escort to class?" Steven dorks. "That would be great, baby!" Lizzie says, charmed. Heath vomits inwardly. The door closes, and Steven leaps to his feet. "I just got to call her 'baby,' to her face this time!" he squeals. Ha! Great line. Steven holds aloft two shoelaces in triumph. No, wait, those are his arms.
Kelly lies in Ron's bed, his head resting near her belly. "Hungry for breakfast yet?" he asks, blissful. "Yeah, I'm hungry, but not for breakfast," Kelly replies with a smile. Ron rubs her leg over the covers and stares at her navel. Seth Rogen's all, "This is the best job in the world." Ron boasts that there's plenty of Ron left to serve up -- Ron links, or perhaps "Ron-ffles," which are waffles made with fresh and tender Ron. And drizzled in a warm syrup, too, I imagine. The camera pans over to Shaggy, who is lying traumatized in his bed with the covers yanked tightly up to his chin. He stares at the ceiling in pain. "I'm right here! I exist!" he wails. "Please stop talking like that." Kelly scoffs that Shaggy needs to keep pretending he's asleep, just like he did last night. Hello? There are several perfectly good couches around, Shaggy. You could've moved. Ron sits up to ask whether Shaggy has any questions or comments about the night's performance, and Kelly makes a stupid and bratty joke about sloppy seconds that barely makes sense. She then leaves. Shaggy winces. "There's a stain above where I sleep and I can't tell if it came from above, or flew up from down here," he trembles. Cut to the stain -- it's a nasty brown smudge of death. Ron's still basking in the glow of having finally fulfilled his penis's life goal. "I've seen things no man should see," Shaggy moans.
I just figured out that Jimmy from "Jobs, Jobs, Jobs" is the same guy from that terrible-looking movie Super Troopers. That movie looks like a bigger pile of infected dirt than Slackers, which unfortunately stars Jason Segel. I hope no one else from this show makes a lame movie. Except Monica Keena -- she's welcome to play troubled skater Oksana Baiul in as many very special TV movies as she wants, because the world needs more accidental comedy.
Lizzie pours coffee in her common room and tries to put a happy face on her latest sexual experience with Steven. "Well, it was better than the first time," she chirps. Rachel and Larice try to be polite about this. But don't sweat the details -- they don't actually mention his supposed sexual deficiencies again. The girls are eating a really nice sensible breakfast of eggs and fruit and orange juice, which so isn't a freshman-year thing. Don't normal freshmen eat Pop-Tarts and cereal bars and drink coffee by the vat? Rachel gently broaches the idea that Steven is nothing more than a rebound fling for Lizzie. "After a rough breakup, I always end up dating a really nice guy, and then I really hurt him," Rachel points out. Lizzie swears she won't hurt Steven. "That's what I always say, and then I always do," Rachel pouts. She then complains that Lizzie always seems in such a rush to have a boyfriend. "I'm not," insists Lizzie. "I'm just used to having one." Rachel derides that as lame, and orders Lizzie to come with them that night to a new bar. Lizzie hesitates, because she'd planned to spend the evening with Steven.
For his part, Steven is rejoicing in the fact that he's now leading Hal 2-1 in the sexual gymnastics tournament they've started in that room. Of course, Heath is probably first place with something like thirty points. "My sheets are all messed up, like in Basic Instinct," Steven gushes. "It's gratifying to see you so happy, Steven," Heath says slowly. "You're going to be miserable soon." Steven doesn't understand, so Heath has to explain the concept of power positions. I'll sum up: Lizzie is already a bitch, and doesn't need another one. "Before you know it, you'll be following her around Banana Republic carrying her purse," chides Heath. Steven appears unperturbed by the idea of helping her pick out cute clothes. Aw, Steven. Give it time. Heath points out that Lizzie also held the power position with Eric, and that things between them didn't end well. Steven, being a relationship neophyte, can't figure out how to get the upper hand. Heath scolds him for admitting he's never had a girlfriend, and concocts one for Steven called Carmen Smithly who had to move to Maryland to tend to a sick brother. "You were always in control with Carmen," Heath decides. Steven is alternately horrified and intrigued.
"So the thing about Carmen is, you know, she didn't know what she wanted in life," Steven blathers to a curious Lizzie. They're crossing the quad together while Steven claims poor fictitious Carmen grew obsessed with him. Lizzie is dumb enough to believe that Steven had an obsessed, desperate and therefore compliant girlfriend, yet he couldn't seem to misplace his virginity in her bedroom. Steven stops moving. "We're only halfway to my class," Lizzie notes, confused. "That's a pretty girl," Steven says casually, pretending to be distracted. "Oh! Yeah, I know, but I'm really hungry..." He also blows off a chance to meet her after class. Lizzie, weirded out, leaves. She is wearing no makeup, a comfortable sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers. It's nice and realistic. I used to love how I always looked like crap in class. Steven watches her leave, tortured and also proud of himself for executing the plan with at least a measure of finesse. Sometimes you only need a little finesse.
Shaggy complains to Ron that, for a mystical reason that defies natural logic, he's not getting laid. This honestly perplexes him. He figures that if Ron can get some, an albino rat with a turd fetish probably could, too, and yet Shaggy can't get more than a pity pat from his own hand. "I'm better-looking than you, Ron!" Shaggy complains. "What? Okay, sleep for a year and shave that dirt off your face, and then I'll take a look, I guess," Ron snorts. He's eating Popeye's. Nice product placement. Ron suggests that Shaggy take advantage of Heath's unused hos. He likens it to when they hit on an unattainable hot chick, so that when she ditches them, they settle for her uglier friends. "We're like the ugly friends, and [Heath's] like the hot chick," Ron explains. "They'll settle for us." Shaggy is delighted but begs Ron not to cock-block him this time, recalling that it's happened before and it involved boogers. Ron pretends he didn't do that on purpose, but inside, you know he's still congratulating himself.
Steven is hiding behind his green hoodie and reading on a bench, conveniently parked right near Lizzie's class. "You didn't have to meet me after class," she says, touched. Steven pretends he is only there waiting for French class to start, but his defenses crumble; cut to his bedroom, where Lizzie throws him against the wall and they check each others' tonsils for rough patches.
Outside, Heath spies the blue scrunchie on the door and scowls at it. This reminds me of the ace investigative folks at UPN-13 here in L.A., who only a month ago did a scathing exposé on how the scrunchie is the secret booty signal at campuses across America. They ended the story by warning kids not to try that at home, because parents might not understand. They then bounced back to the newscaster, who bantered, "Lots of action happening in college!" And thus began my love affair with local news. "[Steven is] so whipped," Heath sneers. Shaggy is envious. Ron, having overdone it with the fried chicken, is studying some Pepto Bismol, because the one that coats is the only one you need. "This stuff darkens your stool!" Ron gapes. Because the one that darkens your stool is also the only one you need. At that moment, Lizzie bursts out of the room, then stops short when she spies the rest of the gang watching her with interest. She's wearing boxers and a Snood t-shirt and is carrying her clothes. "Hey, guys," she stammers, darting an uncomfortable look behind her into the room. She clears her throat. "Well, I'm not great at math, but I hope I helped," she shouts, scurrying away. Wow. Why bother? She's dumb. Steven appears in the common room and notices the peanut gallery. "What?" he asks.
Steven makes his bed while the other guys sit in judgment. I'm not sure why they're judging a geeky friend of theirs who's managed to get laid two consecutive times. They should be giving him a trophy. "Sure, I missed my class, but why not? I think it was kinda worth it," Steven muses. Damn right! Heath rants that Steven is so pathetic, he's "two steps away from ironing her blouses." This is where they lose me. What guy in his sane mind tries to deter a friend from getting guaranteed ass? It's not normal. I get that, in his twisted way, Heath is actually encouraging Steven to bang as many babes as possible, but let's face it -- it's Steven. Heath has to know that Lizzie might be the poor guy's best hope. Steven doesn't get why Heath thinks his budding relationship is crumbling: after all, there was sex. And nudity. Together, they're a healthy sign. But Heath insists that Steven is blowing it by pandering to Lizzie too much. "A relationship can't succeed with two women! It needs a man!" Heath shouts. Hmm, I can think of some lesbians who are doing a nice job, and several of them are probably concurrently making out in one of Heath's fertile sex fantasies. Still, Steven admits, "I do kinda kiss her ass."
So Steven decides to swing his balls and knock down Lizzie's notion of him as a glorified lapdog. He shows up in Lizzie's room. "So what are we doing tonight?" she beams. Steven nonchalantly asserts that he's chillin' with the guys at a very cool party. Rachel looks up from her CliffsNotes long enough to gape at Steven's apparent desire to sleep alone. Lizzie's face falls, but she covers for it. "Okay, cool," she stammers. "Make sure [Shaggy] doesn't puke too much." Steven laughs nervously, "Oh, well, all I can do is try." Best exchange of the episode. As soon as he's gone, Rachel and Lizzie gasp. "What the hell was that?" Lizzie fumes. "Maybe Carmen would put up with that crap, but not me." Rachel's thrilled that Lizzie will be joining her and Larice at the bar that night. "Yeah!" Lizzie nods vengefully. "And I'm gonna wear my water bra!" Way to go, A-cup! I have a Miracle Bra for similar occasions, and I, too, am not afraid to use it. Only mine isn't apt to explode and yield that sexy lactation effect. Dang.
The guys preen in the men's room. Shaggy gulps. "You know how girls like you?" he asks Heath timidly. "Yeah," Heath sighs, smiling adoringly at his reflection. One of these days, he's going to flat-out French-kiss the mirror. Shaggy begs for rights to Heath's overflow supply of ladies, and Heath graciously awards them. "Let's do this!" Shaggy rejoices. Yeah! He loves stale second-hand booty! But of course, their joy is tempered when they're forced to share the elevator with Larice, Rachel, and Lizzie, the last of whom is wearing the worst faux-lace shirt T.J.Maxx ever sold. It looks like she Von Trapped her grandmother's curtains. It fits all wrong -- it's this white ruffle-sleeved thing with a cropped cut that shows off her belly-button, and a low neck that makes it painfully clear that it's high tide in the water bra. She's got quadra-boob. Her small cleavage has small cleavage. Steven takes one look at it and nearly loses his eyeballs. Heath smiles smugly at Steven as they board the lift. "Where are you off to?" he chokes conversationally. "A bar," she retorts. "It's Ladies' Night. So have fun at your party." Steven shrugs. "I'm sure it'll be pretty lame," he begins. Heath kicks him. "If it doesn't kick ass, which, I mean, it obviously will, you know," Steven sputters. As Lizzie looks away, Steven can't help staring jealously at her pushed and lifted boobs.
Okay, random fact -- I just found out that, two years ago, Charlie Hunnam auditioned for The Fluffer, which came out a month ago and which my boss of about a year co-wrote and directed. Nice coincidence, eh?
The guys show up at a party that looks like it's in either a frat or a sorority house. Shaggy's all ready to do a lap and pick out the best babes, but Heath grins his way through the door, and two girls immediately flock to him, throw out their breasts, and offer to show him to the bar. Shaggy may faint. "Hi, I'm [Shaggy]," he coos with what he imagines is a sweet and endearing smile. The girls react enough to show their lack of interest, and then yank Heath toward the punch bowl. "That's [Shaggy]," Heath repeats. "Show me the punch!" Shaggy calls out, trailing them. The original line, according to the captioners, was, "Hope there's not a punch line!" Not when Shaggy's around girls, there isn't.
Steven nods appreciatively and musters up false enthusiasm for this party. Ron plays along until Kelly shows up, at which time he brightens and exclaims, "I'm so happy you're here. I thought this was going to suck." Steven can't believe Ron violated the dudes-only rule. "Oh that's [Heath's] thing, man," Ron chuckles. "She's so much hotter than me, I'm like, hanging on for dear life." He then dashes obediently after Kelly while Steve stares at his feet. Suddenly, Steve notices a perky blonde staring and smiling coyly at him. He blushes.
Rachel and Lizzie are partying in their bar, having evidently procured fake IDs that haven't been flushed down the dorm toilet. Although Rachel's wearing a tight shirt, so the bouncer probably didn't card them. Lizzie warily lies down on a bench just below bar level. "Okay, just do it," she sighs. "And don't bite me!" The bartender pours booze into her navel, and we see Taint suck it out. He and Rachel throw up their hands in delight. Lizzie, grossed out, complains of having his spit on her stomach. She wants to go home and hang herself back up on Steven's curtain rod. "I'm never going home!" shouts Rachel. "That's why it's so great that we don't have boyfriends! We don't have to go home!" Lizzie looks uncomfortable and scans the crowd for Larice.
Meanwhile, Larice is working her mojo with a cute big-lipped guy. "Sweet Lord, girl, you are sexy," he drools. "You got back, too! That's a badonk-a-donk! I like that." Larice melts.
Lizzie begs Rachel for reassurance that she's right to be annoyed with Steven. "Damn right!" Rachel yells. "Now you're gonna take that rage and use it to rage! Are you with me?" Rachel lies down and sluts that she's got a God-given shot glass in her stomach that needs a guy to lick it clean. Her shirt's tied up around her boobs to maximize belly exposure. Seven guys muscle their way toward her.
Heath charms a couch full of women with quaint stories of the motherland. He plays the poor lost little English boy who yearns not for the lacquered floor of a basketball court, but for the wide open fields of a cricket match, where he can swing his bat at flying balls with abandon. The girls giggle. Shaggy, tacked onto the end of the line, adds too loudly that he played cricket once, and "boy, is that game crazy!" No, watching lawn bowling is crazy. I'll take cricket every time. Heath announces that he hasn't been in this crazy foreign land long, and he's doesn't understand their weird ways, but he does know this: Shaggy is the coolest man in the country. Heath is Unfrozen Caveman Lover. Shaggy blushes. Heath makes him switch seats, so that Shaggy is now the one in a foreign land -- that being, the land of the Center of Female Attention. He makes asinine comments to the effect that Heath kept the couch warm for him, and that he's a hot potato, and Heath wants to die. All the girls look put-off.
Kelly and Ron scope Steven's potential suitor and deem her acceptable. "She's either looking at you, or that guy," Ron posits. They check out the other contender. "No, it's you," Ron decides. Steven's confused, because he thinks he's dating Lizzie, but he isn't sure. Kelly says he's in the clear, because they never made anything official. "Yeah," nods Ron. "Like, me and Kelly, we know that it's official." Kelly snickers. "No, we don't," she protests. It's right about here that I start to dislike her. Ron is a bit startled but doesn't react much beyond that. Kelly spies Blondie coming over to chat up Steven, so she and Ron flee.
Blondie, whose name is Jane, introduces herself. "Did you try the punch?" she bubbles. "It's clear! How can it be clear?" Steven laughs with her, "I don't know, it doesn't come like that in the juice box!" They're laughing all over the place now. She invites him to get a soda with her, and Steven accepts. This is boring.
Shaggy grabs Heath and complains that there's no overflow -- all the girls seem ready to wait patiently for Heath's penis to become available. "What can I do?" Heath snaps. "I can't put their tongues into your mouth." Shaggy wants him at least to try. So Heath grabs a passing girl and says, "I'm gay, but my straight friend [Shaggy] thinks you're beautiful." She introduces herself as Taj, and they make a joke about the Taj Mahal. Shaggy is charmed they both thought of the same joke, whereas Taj seems tired of the same old shit. Kelly runs up and begs Shaggy to show her his legendary giant boogers. She tries to stare up his nostrils. Shaggy pointedly introduces her to Taj, so Kelly giggles in "embarrassment" that she clearly messed up his hookup, and runs away laughing. Taj bolts, too. I'm also ready to bolt. The word "booger" is a supporting character all of a sudden, and it's sad.
Lizzie gulps a shot, tastes it, and spits it back into the tumbler. "How do you drink that?" she gags. Rachel grabs another glass. "You've gotta chase it with this," she drawls, chugging. Lizzie wonders if Rachel's had enough, but her friend drunkenly insists that she has a high tolerance, even as she's falling over. A guy passes; Rachel grabs him, rams her tongue into his mouth, and then shoves him away. "In your dreams," she spits. Ha. She's a ho. I'm surprised Shaggy hasn't tried to get her drunk -- that might just work for him. She's that easy.
Cut to Rachel and Lizzie dancing, with Taint in the background trying to sneak between them. Rachel grabs Lizzie and starts grinding against her friend's ass. Taint, rather than being turned on by girl-on-girl grinding, shoots them a dirty look and leaves. Whatever. Cut to Rachel up at the bar, slurring the names of three different shots -- Slippery Nipple, Green Areola, and Rob Reiner. Does that make Rob Reiner a boob-by-association?
Larice and Badonk-a-donk suck on each other in the bathroom line. Lizzie stands behind them, arms firmly crossed, glaring and hating her sucky and yet also suck-free night. Rachel gets more liquor dumped onto her stomach and screams, "Wooooo! Come on, who's ?" But everyone looks pretty put-off, so she shouts, "Good! More for me!" and tries to pour the stuff into her glass. It's pretty funny. I'm not surprised that Rachel's a party skank, but isn't she also Little Miss My Body Is A Temple? Like, why bother with homeopathic medicine to keep out the toxins if you're going to go and drink yourself into a coma? Just curious.
Heath, holding court once more, finishes a joke. "So then the priest says, 'I believe in God -- I didn't say I was straight.'" Ron sidles up to Shaggy, but Shaggy wants him to buzz off because Heath's about to pick one girl, and when the others disperse, he's going to pounce on the slowest and weakest one. Heath picks a pretty brunette and leads her away while the others look disappointed. Oh, but they're just going to talk, guys! Or at least, they'll wag their tongues.
Steve asks Jane what her major is. "Psychology," she says. Just like Lizzie. In fact, her whole demeanor is very Lizzie-esque. They make stupid jokes about psychology. "I like your lips," Jane blurts. "They're really big." Steven blushes again. This is, like, the exact same scene as the one earlier. Girl likes Steven, Steven gets flustered. Got it.
Shaggy plops down to one of Heath's pretty leftovers and whips out the same trite query about her major. As it happens, she's a Music major, which delights Shaggy. "I'm a Music major, too!" he crows. She seems doubtful, but it definitely elevates him from "When Satan gets Frostbite" to "When Satan stops sweating." So of course, Kelly appears to cock-block him again, screeching something nasty to the effect that Shaggy should probably flush the toilet time, because he left something unpleasant behind. "Are you okay? That didn't look so healthy, you know? Bye!" Kelly chirps. Now I sort of hate her. I get that she's like a female Ron, but she's not Ron, and this whole storyline is boring to me. Why would you cock-block someone who is perfectly capable of not scoring on his own? Yeah, it's fun to pick on the weak, but I'd say it would be more amusing to try and cock-block Heath. Except that his cock is probably a battering ram, but whatever -- it would be amusing to try. Naturally, Shaggy's conquest has run away. God, it feels like I've recapped that scene twelve times. I'm getting very tired of Shaggy being put-upon.
Shaggy chides Ron for being an asshole, swearing he'd be hooking up all over the place without Kelly's constant interference. "Yeah, we messed up your teeth -- that was us," Ron snorts. What a great line. Ron acts like he's laying down the law with his woman, but becomes a wheedling sad sack once he reaches Kelly. He begs "sweetie" not to crotch-block Shaggy anymore, even though he had told her she could. "Okay," she nods. "Great, awesome. I'm sorry, though," he coos. "You can still do it if you want to." I kind of want Kelly to go away.
Lizzie yammers on again that she doesn't need a boyfriend, and that Rachel's right. This is, like, the third time she's come to this decision. Shut up, Lizzie. "Until you can be alone, you can't be with anybody else," Badonk-a-donk tells her. "Ain't that right, baby?" Larice beams at him, and they clean each other's teeth. "Rachel couldn't be more right!" Lizzie exclaims. "I just want to party with her right now!"
Rachel is dancing on the bar. "Who wants to party? Woooo!" she screams, tearing open her shirt. Her breasts are pixilated. "There they go," sighs Badonk-a-donk. "Who let the dogs out?" Rachel screams hoarsely. The crowd barks at her. She screams for Lizzie, and despite the crowd chants encouraging Lizzie to rip off her window wear, she looks repulsed and flees the bar. Cut to Rachel rubbing asses with a guy on the bar (writer Nick Stoller), and when her shirt flaps open too far, you see tiny pixilated boob bits. I'm giggling to myself because the area of pixelation isn't that big. Is that wrong of me? I'm not a nice girl.
Heath is teaching his brunette all about his native tongue. Nudge nudge. Steven taps his shoulder uncomfortably and requests a consultation. "I'm talking to this girl, she's really attractive and smart, and I never thought a girl like that would ever talk to me," Steven blurts. "I figured Lizzie was a weird fluke." Heath insists it's his destiny to make a move. Steven is uneasy, because he's not sure Lizzie would condone it. "What if this is the perfect girl?" argues Heath. "They all might be The One, and you don't know until you sleep with them. All of them!" Now that's the kind of logic I expect from Heath, not that "your relationship is in tatters" bullshit. Steven nods, courageous, and Heath returns to the language lessons.
Ron grabs Steven and enthusiastically offers to show him something disgusting. "You know how we stopped crotch-blocking [Shaggy]? Now him and some chick are sucking face over there," Ron winces, pointing. Steven looks, and Shaggy is licking the roof of Jane's mouth. Steven gapes. Shaggy's hands are all over Jane's hair. It looks like he's got no idea where to put them, but figures they should be in motion somehow. They pull apart; he wipes his nose and flashes a gooey smile, and they dive in for more. Ron is completely grossed out. Steven shakes his head. "I made a mistake," he realizes. "I want a girlfriend." He runs out. What, he wants a girlfriend suddenly because he lost out on one girl he was prepared to hook up with? Yikes. Way to jerk that knee, Steven.
Now there's a lengthy scene in which Steven and Lizzie run across campus. Lizzie's breasts look extremely uncomfortable. Steven arrives at Lizzie's room and is depressed to see she's not there. Sadly, he slinks into his room, opens the bedroom door, and sees Lizzie sitting on the bed. The whole thing is carefully shot so that he'll open the door gently and we'll see over his shoulder that she's waiting there for him. But it comes off looking like he saw the closed door and pushed it slowly, knowing he'd see her in there, which is weird. But at least we get to see that Tenacious D poster that's on the door now -- gotta get in the plug so Kyle Gass can come back on the show. He stammers that he wants to make it official, and she kisses him before he can get out any more words. "Let's never be apart again," she pants. "Never," Steven agrees. More frantic kissing.
"Score!" says the FOX announcer.
During the credits, Rachel appears, sweaty and ready to vomit. She begs Lizzie or Steven to hold her hair. Steven and Lizzie dreamily agree to do it together.