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Amanda and Betty get an assignment to go out on the town and ... something, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Like they're meant to blow ten thousand bucks, but without spending any money, or... Very Breakfast At Tiffany's, this concept. They pick up a couple of Eurotrashers at an art show, get the boys to wine and dine them, but then the dudes stick them with a check in the thousands. While Amanda is, of course, more than happy to dine and dash, some quick thinking (and Mode name-dropping) from Betty not only solves the problem but gets them a regular column. Which is good, because beyond eating all of her food and ruining most of her life -- while blaming "Bad Ronald," who lives in the walls! ["Yay! I'm not the only one who remembers that cheesy movie." -- Angel] -- Amanda also manages to misplace the rent.
Betty throws a massive hissy and runs to Queens, where Ignacio actually gives her good advice for once: basically, that Amanda is awesome and has much to teach us all, while Betty is pretty much a sopping rag of suck a lot of the time. Amanda gets a second job of the Flushing Burger variety, they become more like each other, and continue to fall madly and deeply in love with each other to the point where nobody's sure where one of them ends and the other begins, et cetera, Betty starts cooking for Amanda and buying her Prada knockoffs, they cry and they laugh and they respect each other's viewpoints...
You know what? None of this matters, because Betty spends most of the episode wearing the most effed-up thing she has ever worn. It's like... Well, tell me if this is a movie or I just made it up from elements of other movies I saw on Mystery Science Theatre. There's like Santa Claus, and Martians, and some dance numbers, and those weird dominatrix women they have up there on the moon, right, and there's a rocket ship, and maybe a giant gorilla fights a giant lizard that shoots fire. Also there is a turtle that can fly, but has no face, and it shoots electricity of some kind. And so the dominatrix women need babies, or sex, or it's really cold there or something, and they have pointy shoulder pads and long puffed sleeves and tight bodices and look totally crazy -- they're kind of like Princess Barbie's friend Wanda from Sandman at the end, in Barbie's dream -- and walk around and yell and shoot lasers from laser guns, and eventually because it's the '50s they settle down: That's exactly how Betty is dressed the entire time. She's like a spell cast by the vomit of a nightmare of a clown.
Anyway Ignacio is awesome for once, Hilda is not really around but very cool, and also behaving out of character is Christina, who manages a partial raison d'etre by bonding with Wilhelmina over their baby (a boy!) and Wili's crush on Connor, which is getting unsettling! And gets a major revival in the form of Daniel's (surprisingly boring) date with Connor's fiancée Molly. They eat-cute and romp around Platonically in the Closet, nearrrrrrly kiss, and then split up again so Daniel can do that face he does. Marc, in like his sole appearance in the episode, blows a security guard to get tape -- and Wili realizes that Daniel (looking at Molly the way "Betty looks at a cheeseburger") is completely in love.
Join us time for the episode where Ignacio Suarez is, judging by the hypermania of the advertisements, ripped apart by wild dogs. Horrible tragedy? Or Greatest Christmas Wish?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hilda has apparently only gotten half the point that Karate Kutie tried to get across -- yes, she can legitimize her home business by deriving 30% of her profits from merchandising, but... I don't think selling illegal Chinatown knockoffs from that well-known atelier PLADA is really what he had in mind. Betty, being as we all know a first-class G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S label queen, turns up her nose at the PLADA handbags and shades. Just not up to her high fashion Mode tastes. Hilda's like, "As though my trashy clients will notice, these sunglasses were $2 a pair." Hilda, sometimes your hustler nature and survivor scrappiness actually do make you look sort of vaguely disgusting, mostly when you fall into the Flushing trap of animal prints, and yet I cannot in good conscience advise, obviously, that you do anything but the opposite of what Betty says.
This snootitude would be funny of Betty any day -- because God knows without compassionate guidance she'd be wearing them on her head or as giant hideous necklaces -- but is especially retarded today, because she's wearing pointy puffed sleeves like a creepy-bisexual/dominatrix-vibe villain from the Planet Mongo, in a psychedelic flower print, over a purple turtleneck. It's like her usual hideous clothing is feeling whimsical and decided to wear a costume over itself. And then of course her Anne Boleyn "B" necklace, because sometimes you just need to accessorize a bit more, and on top of it all the big wide green butterfly belt cinching all that shit together. I wish this outfit and Claire Meade's Pip Pip Mad Hatter Old Chum number from last week would get a spinoff series where they roam around in a old schoolbus, blowing people's minds.
Betty's out of OJ, and whines about how living with Amanda has done the opposite of the money-saving roommate thing she's heard of, and no matter how much she labels her food and juices, Amanda does not seem to notice. Hilda asks if she's been contributing meaningfully in any way -- supplementary to the MacArthur Genius Grant that is her very presence, I suppose -- and Betty says she's "hinted," which you know is Betty-speak for "No, because I am weak of spine, but I do sit around feeling resentful and horrible inside, which counts for something." Hilda suggests she try the pithy and always successful, "Where's my rent, bitch," which I guess she picked up from Justin, and Betty goes on a spiel about how yes, Amanda has made poor choices and racked up debt, etc., but she's not... I don't know how on Earth Betty would have managed to make her sunshine-and-duckies conclusion here, but thank God it's Amanda.
She comes in with about sixteen shiny bags from various stores and launches into a wildly entertaining recounting of her last several hours: "You will not believe how much money I saved today! Huge sale. I had to get up crazy early to beat the crowds... That's a lie, I was actually out clubbing and I figured, what the hell? I'll just stay up all night. It was totally worth it!" Betty tries to explain that buying things on sale is still not saving money, and Amanda goes, "Isn't it?" kind of breezily, and Betty underlines that it is not, and then Amanda makes that sexy-sneaky eyebrow face and goes, "Isn't it?" Which is a thing that she does in every scene of this entire episode, and while I hate shtick I have to say that my Amanda shtick threshold is way higher than most other shtick thresholds, especially since it's a different thing every week.
Betty asks how she paid for all the crap, and Amanda totally explains that living with/off Betty has saved her such money that she's paid off a credit card, which she celebrated by running that mother right up again. Hilda whispers, "Where's the rent, bitch?" with a little shoulder gesture, but I'm so sure Betty would ever formulate the ability to say anything like that. You know the thing where you scrunch the paper off the straw and then drop water on it? That's what would happen to Betty if she ever said that. It would be like Jennifer Carpenter in The Exorcism Of Emily Rose. So Betty just stares passive-aggressively at Amanda, willing her to get something she's obviously not going to get, and finally Amanda's like, "Betty, do not worry." Betty relaxes just in time for the kicker: "I'm gonna catch up on my sleep at work, per yoozh." She takes off, and only Hilda looking at her with total douche chill disgust causes her to do anything but whine softly to herself while watching the pigeons through her window like Keir Dullea in David & Lisa, so she goes running after Amanda in her madwoman's reeds, tearing down the street like she's looking for the Omegahedron.
Amanda swears she'd like to give the crazy space witch some rent money, but turns out she's a bit short. Betty suggests returning the clothes and shit she just bought, and Amanda explains how you can't return sale items to any of the million stores she shopped at this morning. "You know I'm good for it!" she says, and Betty points out that no, she isn't, and we do know that. Betty whines about the creepy gross landlord who is "weird" and "leers," and points out that if (meaning when) she pays off their rent she'll be skint. "If you want to keep living with me, then you're gonna have to chip something in." Amanda totally gets it, and then totally asks Betty for subway money.
Wilhelmina Slater, what are you doing? Hiding in a closet while Marc shadows Connor and reports back to her. Wili whine-reminds us about how she ("that remarkably well-preserved EIC") tried to bone him in Florida last week, and actually admits that she feels stupid and silly about it. Marc advises her to talk to him, and that's not going to be happening, and then gives her the whole Eagle Eye about "Go! Now, go!" and but then it turns around on them and Wili's stuck, so she strikes a weird non-casual pose and fully goes, "Top o' the morning to ya!" They are both horrified beyond belief.
Cut to Wili screaming bloody murder about WTF and Marc's like, "You should hear some of the things that come out of my mouth when I'm around him!" They talk about how perfect and totally awesome and ruthless and smart and business-minded and impeccable and large-handed he is for a good long while, and then Christina comes wobbling pointlessly in with her demon-bearing womb. Normally I would boo and hiss at her, but the slobbery Connor lovefest was getting a little weird, so it's like the suckiness becomes homeopathic and awful Christina is the iceberg that stops the boat from going where the dragons are. Why's she there? Why's she ever there is a more appropriate question.
In this specific case Christina exists to make Wili feel guilty about ignoring her stupid baby in its stupid Scottish baby-carrying device throughout the episode, starting now. The point is Wili's awesome response to Christina's request to come to her latest doctor's appointment: "Christina, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. And one of the reasons I hired you as my surrogate was for the fierce independence of the Scottish people. Your entire country would be insulted if I held your hand at the doctor's office. You're our Braveheart." Marc unnecessarily chimes in with "Our Braveuterus." Connor comes in to ask for Wili's company at a Ralph Lauren marketing presentation, but she babbles and babbles and babbles (babbles, I'm saying, like you never saw Wili babble) and eventually thrusts Christina at him like a crucifix, saying she has to go to the appointment with her surrogate. Marc giggles insanely at all the single nontendres ("It'd be great if we could do it together," "I'll fill you in when I get back") and just as you're thinking maybe it's best that Marc isn't so much in this episode, because he pretty much sucks this week, Wili blows your mind by striking another weird pose and "casually" calling Connor "Mate." As in "g'day." Again, everyone is horrified.
Betty goes to Daniel to A) annoy him about how YETI starts episode, of which he is very much aware due to how Betty does this every hour on the hour, and B) ask him for overtime so she can continue to subsidize Amanda's lifestyle instead of growing a pair. Daniel tells her that Meade's "eliminating overtime," in accordance with, um, the Made Up Laws addendum to the FLSA I guess. On the other hand, they're shifting some resources to the website (ModeNY.com) and want some pitches. I mean, Daniel says it in the cutest way about how we're "expanding our digital footprint" and need "lots of new content," and Betty would be perfect because she's "creative" in some undefined way. This all might seem very vague and undefined and Ugly Betty-esque, unless you're actually involved in online media and then it's more like King Of The Hill: not funny, because it's all too real. Like how people don't read Dilbert to laugh, they read Dilbert to remind themselves that somebody else gets it, and is making a documentary comic strip about it.
Molly shows up like she does apparently every day now, and Daniel acts all kooky and shoves Betty out the door and asks what's up. She says she's looking to "hit up all the rich jerks" Connor works with, and then awkwardly acts like she's surprised by how shitty that sounds, and she re-explains about how she has a yearly charity auction for her public school's programs, and even if Daniel's not a jerk, he's rich, so she wants money. Daniel offers to help, and Molly's funny: "That's awesome. Anyhow..." She basically asks him to replace Connor as her date to the auction tonight, because as usual Connor is working instead of being a good fiancé, and Daniel's all crushy-crushy about it, and frankly so is Molly, and they talk about how he loves kids and they are such good friends, and Wili sends her patronizing hate glances when she leaves. Even in a cubicle a world away, Claire smells the total sex coming off them both, and commences judging with all her heart. Which... Has Claire done anything post-Alexis that wasn't just repetitive naysaying and bitchery? Have they finally managed to make Claire a boring plot device? No, she was totally cool in her freaky outfit on the retreat, complaining about her phone and trying to get Daniel to marry Betty or whatever. So no, just usually. That's lame.
Christina talks about och this and begorrah that and whatever, the baby is a "bloody acrobat" and Wili is going "daft," based on her bizarre behavior earlier with Connor, and then stops playing her bagpipes long enough to eat Betty's entire meal of ganked sesame crackers. Betty is, pretty much, a bitch at this point: "Sure, [take them]. I haven't eaten since yesterday, but whatever." I would punch her in the face, what the eff is that. Christina's like "Bairn, didda nae tell ye tha' yuir apartment was too dear? And did ye nae say ye'd eat ramen? Has tha' gang aft agley?" Because Betty speaks Christina, she agrees that yes, she was prepared to scrimp in order to live in this apartment, but it's hard to subsist on ramen when Amanda is eating all your ramen. "And she denies it! She says there's an old crazy man who lives inside my walls and comes out at night to eat my food! She calls him Bad Ronald!" Amanda wins. Whatever it is, however it's judged: Amanda has won it.
Christina says more shit about the Earnshaws of the Grange and Betty bitches and moans about how her life is not worth living and how it just makes things that much worse when you do nothing to change your own circumstances. Christina talks about how she came to New York without two dimes to rub together, which is what Scotsmen do for fun, but she figured out other stuff to do, and it usually didn't cost her a cent. This is because -- as we know and will see again this week -- Christina's past is basically being a prostitute. But then, so's Betty: she marches that idea straight to the ModeNY pitch meeting -- after of course jacking some Betty bullshit up all over it so that it stops being a good or relevant idea and starts being something even Rachel Maddow would find dorky.
"As we all know, living in Manhattan can be expensive." Wili arches: "Really? I hadn't noticed." Daniel tells her not to be snotty, and she's like, "What? I honestly never noticed!" Which is pretty awesome. Betty continues: "A Day In Manhattan On Zero Dollars." I love how she came to this meeting with one idea. Just the one. Just one really great piece of content that will hover on the RSS feed for about three days. WTG UB LOL. "Most museums have one day a week where you can go for free, but the National American Indian Museum is free every day!" (This is where everybody in the room remembers that Betty kind of sucks, and wonders to themselves why they always forget this fact every episode and actually try to kick the football every episode and Betty always jerks it away at the last second but they keep thinking she's going to get cool and she never ever is going to get cool so really who is the fucker and who is the fuckee in this context?) "Its culturally sensitive and thought-provoking exhibits include pottery, basketry..." Amanda snores at her violently, and Betty smacks her, and they talk about how it sucks -- even Daniel's like, "it's a little dry, Betty" -- and she starts in with feeding the squirrels in Madison Square Park, and Marc makes fun of her, getting laughs he doesn't deserve. "Okay, well. Maybe Marc and Amanda have better ideas." Really, Betty? Better than the thought-provoking basketry?
Amanda immediately comes up with a thousand shameless Amanda-type things to do off the top of her head, because she's a cockroach of celebrity and a total hero: crashing a Tom Cruise premiere ("He is super short! But the food at the afterparty was beyond!") and Betty tries to whine that "the average Mode reader can't do that, and Amanda fully goes, "You would be surprised what you can get away with!" ♥. The editors and execs of the round table love this, and want to hear more. "Like I haven't paid for a drink or a meal in years. I have a bar tab of like, ten grand...." Connor and Wili are all over it, and Wili names the article How I Blew Ten Grand Without Actually Spending A Dime and Daniel congratulates Betty and Amanda on their first sale. "Ow!" Amanda cat-squeals. "My first sale at Mode! That was easy." Instead of seeing that Amanda has powerful Zen magics on her side and sometimes you have to cop a ride on the Serena Lazy River and just Be, of course, Betty decides to do some more limp whining to people who don't care.
Betty calls Hilda in Flushing, but can only get the actual noteworthy part -- how she just made a professional sale -- out before her family rightfully begins to congratulate her. Ignacio and Justin get on extensions, and they're all totally excited for her, but of course Betty will not have this, so she explains to them about how the cruel, cruel world of editors and people who are not terminally boring has once again conspired to do their best to help her redeem her own cluelessness. "All I did was a pitch a shitty article about thought-provoking basketry and they tried to make it salable as a favor to me! I blame Amanda!" They ask her what the fucking problem is, and she can't quite figure it out, so she just repeats herself a few more times while they tell her to stop manufacturing drama and actually do her best like we always thought she was doing.
"Okay, let's grip it and rip it," says Amanda, which is amazing on many levels because it means so many things. Grooming and depilation, Amanda's predilection for use-once-and-dispose catchphrases, the floating violent/intimate signifiers, band-aid gumption, it's all Amanda and it's all right there. Betty says before they grip or rip, they need two rules: "One: nothing illegal, Two: we can only do things that normal Mode readers can do." Amanda creates on-the-fly hand signals for both rules: "Got it. No crimes, real peeps. Saddle up."
Meanwhile, Daniel's asking Claire which of the two unflattering ties he's holding will be more flattering, and she toys with him for awhile before pointing out that he's essentially dating somebody else's girl, and that Molly is into him. He goes all soft and sweet about that, so she slaps the shit out of him several times and reminds him that their entire family has been torn apart multiple times by just this kind of slutting around, and makes him promise not to screw around with Molly. He tries to tell her it's not a date, and she tells him exactly how this fundraiser is going down: "And she'll look stunning, and the booze will be flowing, and given your weakness for having sex in public places..." He whines that it was one time, and not public flagrante until they unexpectedly moved the truck he was boning behind, and she's like, whatever. The Meades are not like us in many ways, but their ongoing comfort with discussing each other's sex lives is one of the biggies. "A nothing moment can turn into something huge. Just stay away, and write her a big check." His mouth says yes but his eyes say "No way."
After their appointment, Christina brogues about the baby and rugby for awhile, and Wili doesn't want to know the sex of the baby, and then Marc calls to say that "the Thunder from Down Under" won't quit asking for her, so Wili babbles about how he should just say she got hit by a cab and won't be returning. Scared of going back to the office, Wili invites Christina out for a drink in the middle of the day. "I'm seven months pregnant with your child," Christina reminds her, but Wili says she's quite capable of drinking for all three of them.
Betty watches in amazement as Amanda works a counter girl into giving her about $800 worth of cosmetics samples, and Betty tries to find a way to feel guilty and disgusting about it. "Betty, it's fine. Don't you ever get free samples of ice cream?" Betty says yes, but then she buys some ice cream. "Hmm. Of course you do," Amanda says, managing to insult her in about six awesome ways, and then drags Betty off to a clothing boutique.
"Fun fact: most stores have a 30-day return policy. So you tuck the tag, wear 'em once, bring it back." Betty points out that it's both illegal and immoral, which breaks Rule One. "Remember number two? Real Mode readers. Is it fair that only Ivanka Trump gets to wear dresses like this? Shouldn't frumpy girls from Queens get to feel glamorous, too? Isn't that what this article is all about?" And while you should never try to argue Betty into thinking she deserves anything nice, ever, because you will always come up against Betty's innate self-hatred, Betty is momentarily confused by this logic. Amanda presses her advantage by rubbing a cashmere scarf all over Betty's face, and once again Betty's guilt goes TILT. "Wouldn't you love to wear it... Just once?" Her kooky smile and whirling hypnotism eyeballs work their magic, and it's on to the thing.
"Every week, the Village Voice lists all the gallery openings in Chelsea. I always pick the ones with the ugliest art, because they have the best booze. They figure the drunker you are, the more likely you are to actually buy all this crap." Betty smokes another flute of champagne, and allows as how the stupid installation art (broken bicycles in stupid piles) is "really neat," so Amanda takes away her champagne and downs it. "Are you hungry? Because I just spotted dinner." She waves at a couple of freaky Eurotrash confidence men and hisses, "Tuck your tag. Tuck it!" They go talk to the dudes, and Amanda works her magic.
"I couldn't help but notice you looking at us -- and by us I mean me." They act all creepy and sketchy, and ask if the girls are enjoying the art. "Well, I wasn't... Until I spotted the two best-looking pieces here!" Betty does a great abnegation of this train of thought, all, "Okay, we out," but Amanda jerks her back in line. Betty admits to the Euros that she likes this one piece, and the guy is like, "What a coincidence! I just buy this one!" (Translation: "I will leave your raped corpse in Central Park to be discovered by joggers.") They talk about going to dinner, and Betty tries desperately to find a way this is evil, so Amanda pulls her off to the side for yet another talking-to. Betty points out that they are obviously serial killers, and Amanda goes all purring and awesome: "Betty, if we're gonna write this article, we have to live it. That means everything: Fun, art, fashion, sex." Betty says there isn't going to be any of the latter, and Amanda whispers, "Isn't there?" again. It's again awesome. She big-sister guilts Betty about how they're partners and Betty is a writer and they have to work together, and Betty's like, "Fine. Let's grip it and rip it." Amanda is appalled.
Och. The sound of clinking ice cubes, It's like a Scottish lullaby!" Wili toasts the bundle of whatever, and Christina calls bullshit finally. "You haven't even given a second's thought to raising this baby, other than its stake in the Meade empire." Christina, and didn't we always kind of know this, is one of the people who acts just as drunk as the people she's with, even sober. She points around Wili's living room at all the dangerous pointy electrocutey things: "Dead baby! Dead baby! Dead baby!" They talk about whether Wili even wants the baby, and she points out how Wili didn't even want to go to the appointment until Connor showed up and she commenced acting weird and dumb. Because it's Christina it takes twice as long as a normal person, but she eventually figures out that Wili has a crush on him.
Wili launches into another iteration of the Why Connor Is Perfect For Me speech, and ends on a sad note: "I finally meet the perfect man, and I can't have him. I may as well just resign myself to never having a man around." (Also sad: Wili says for the first of multiple times that her real fear about the Meade Child is how bad she fucked up her daughter, and how she doesn't want to make the same mistake twice.) Christina says now is not the time to swearing off men, because the baby is a boy. Wili feels a sudden happiness as the baby turns real inside her mind, but clamps down on that shit faster than you can say "family history of arson."
At dinner, Amanda regales the Euros with the story of Betty's motorcycle ride into the Player jell-o, and even Betty feels stronger and prettier and funnier when Amanda's telling the story. They all round-table about how "expensive" their champagne tastes, whatever that means, and Amanda flirts with one of them (Claudio), and finally Betty excuses herself so she can find a way to fuck this up for herself in private.
"I'm having a crisis!" she yells at Hilda, who knows better than most of us that Betty's crises are just like regular crises, except for how they never exist. "I've been drinking the most incredible champagne, and I can't enjoy it! All I'm thinking about is how much Claudio and Luka spent on it!" Hilda rolls up her sleeves and attempts to wade through Betty's BS, asking if the Euros are having fun -- yes -- and whether they're expecting some poon after dinner. "No, no, no. If they are, then they're gonna be disappointed. ...Well, at least one of them will." Way to simultaneously over- and underestimate Amanda, Suarez. "So these two guys with money take you out to a fabulous dinner, everybody's having a great time, and you're feeling guilty... Because?" Betty doesn't know, because Betty never knows why she is so dedicated to ruining everything cool.
"Betty, you deserve to have fun more than anybody I know. You spend every dime you make to live in the city, but you don't live in the city. Trust me, all your problems are gonna be there tomorrow." Like a snuggly blanket of depression. Betty promises to try and have fun... Which guarantees something horrible is going to happen. I can't really blame Betty for assuming any pleasure will ultimately lead to her shame and downfall, because she's been watching this show as long as we have and knows that it's empirical fact.
Luka and Claudio are gone when she gets back to the table, and Amanda's all, "They're making business calls, so I got another bottle, which they won't care about because they are, like, international financiers or something." Betty then makes the fatal mistake of saying that, although she was dubious about the shared assignment, she is turning out to be really enjoying herself, and thanks Amanda for making her life interesting, and they are totally happy and in love with their relationship for about two seconds, which is of course just long enough for it all to come crashing down. The waiter brings them the check and says, of course, that Claudio and Luka have ditched them with it. "And I never even saw it coming!" Amanda exclaims: "They're good." She's impressed.
Betty wigs and wigs, and Amanda points out that they've managed to finally hit their target number. "High five!" she says, and then tells Betty they're going to have to dine and dash. "No! You can't just walk out on the bill, that's illegal." Once again, Amanda awesomely does the, "Is it? Is it really?" and Betty shuts her down. Betty massages her migraine until the waiter returns with a pitying look... And then comes up with a solution. That's my girl. "Can I talk to your manager?"
Molly comes into Daniel's office to A) needle him for backing out on their date, and B) to get his rich jerk money. She's ravenous and has a bit of his sweet-and-sour takeout, joking that if he really feels guilty for standing her up he should just write a bigger check. He tells her to use a fork, she laughs about how she's a master of chopsticks, and then immediately drops a piece of chicken on her white gown. "Damn," she growls hilariously, and then freaks out for a second deciding to just wear the stained dress as-is. "I'm a kindergarten teacher. I'm always covered in paint, paste and puke anyway." He drags her off to the closet so they can play Platonic dress-up.
Betty lays down the charm on the restaurant manager, introducing herself and Amanda as Mode profilers. The lady's dubious about Betty working at Mode, being that she's wearing a Conehead idea of what constitutes clothing, but Amanda assures her that Betty's in disguise. "ModeNY.com is dedicated to celebrating the most hip, edgy, ahead-of-the curve things in New York City, and we'll be featuring you prominently this month." Betty confidently hands the check back to the manager, there's an absurdly long stress-silence with dripping beads of sweat and the battle of wills and the whole nine, and then the lady takes their check off their hands.
Outside, Amanda crows with wonder about how unbelievably awesome that was. And yes, it was. Betty's like, "And we're going to promote the heck out of them in our article for sure!" Amanda doesn't care, just tells Betty that she kicked ass, nearly mauling her in excitement. Betty asks to go home, and Amanda allows it because how do you top that, but then because they allowed themselves to be happy for one second, of course, Amanda's wallet turns up missing. Betty screams "NO!" in an awesome way, and starts yelling about the Euros, but there's more: Amanda, in an attempt to assuage Betty's irritation, took it upon herself to pay the creepy scary landlord on Betty's behalf, and now Betty's rent money has also been stolen. Betty begins to wig.
Amanda says they can just go to an ATM, but Betty explains for the eightieth time that she is skint and has no more money. "I can't pay my rent this month!" she screams to the sky, and Amanda shrugs. "We'll pay the rent month. What are they gonna do, kick us out?" Betty, having finally had it, is like, "AMANDA. REALITY." She starts to go off about how this was a bad idea, and then changes her tune to more about how Amanda, the house-sharing, and their entire lives are the bad idea. "It's not just tonight, Amanda. It's everything. You really don't take responsibility for anything, do you? Not when you run up my bills, or let your dog pee on my clothes, or eat all my food..." Amanda blames Bad Ronald, and Betty screams amazingly, "There is no Bad Ronald! It's you! Bad Amanda!" She storms off, and Amanda feels the tender shoots of a sadness feeling pushing up into her garden.
Having fled to Queens and the incompetent arms of her father, Betty whines and screams and screeches, and he reminds her she'll never be homeless really, and she complains about how she let herself "get sucked into Amanda's black hole of irresponsibility," and then of all things, Ignacio becomes awesome. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Or her. She didn't mean for the money to be stolen." Betty says that Amanda's MO is doing horribly destructive things without meaning to do them, and this is but one example, and it all stems from how she's never had to work hard for anything. She thinks life is one big night on the town, but it's not. Life is hard!" Ignacio explains The Thing About Betty, which is that while she was raised to work hard and be responsible, it's also the suckiest thing about her, because she has inhuman expectations of herself and everyone else, and manages to focus on the ideas and self-image of perfection rather than actually living her life. Betty's not feeling this, because it's her entire personality, so he just tells her to get her ass back to Manhattan and learn the things Amanda has to teach her.
Wili drunkenly suggests naming the baby Abelard, and Christina, full of mocktail faux-drunkness, disses Abelard and suggests Hamish. Neither of these people should be naming babies. Wili scoffs that they might as well name him Angus, and Christina remembers a "lovely tussle in the hay" with an Angus once, which Wili finds adorable because she is drunk. She explains that she wasn't avoiding the gender of the baby out of any kind of reason other than wanting to pretend the baby is hypothetical because once it becomes real then she will have to think about how bad she fucked up her daughter and the relationship with her daughter. "Well hey, you've been given another chance. Just don't do anything stupid, like naming him Abelard." Christina, when you're right you're right. Full points. Daniel calls for closet permission to get something for a size six, and Christina tells him to look in a particular area, and Wili's like "Um, Daniel is not a size six," and Christina spills about how he's now dressing Connor's fiancée Molly. Wili is intrigued.
Molly calls Daniel her "fairy godmother" and he squeaks that no, he's just the boss. She changes out of her virginal white dress into a sexy red number, and he loves her in it. "Just don't let the paparazzi take photos of you in that dress. That's supposed to be our March cover." She shivers thinking about how much it costs, and he's like, "Well? Are you planning on eating with chopsticks tonight?" They both think about how beautiful she is, for such a boring girl, and almost kiss, but then she runs off like Cinderella. He commences being wet-eyed and gape-mouthed as always; and as always, it is fetching.
Betty gives Daniel her story, and he loves it. "What if the restaurant manager hadn't comped your meal," he wonders editorially, and Betty's like, "She would have realized I was trying to pay with my Queens College student ID?" He raves about it for awhile, and says they seemed to have had a blast. "We did. We did... In a sleazy, scammy sort of way. I guess I have Amanda to thank for that..." Ugh, Betty. He offers their partnership a regular feature on the site: "Think about it! You and Amanda, out on the town every week, having some new kind of crazy adventure? You have a great dynamic!" So true. Added bonus: what if it really upsets Christina?! I like her with Wili more anyway. Daniel offers her an advance for the rent issues, and she does a flip in the air like a circus poodle, and runs off to tell Amanda their woes are gone for now.
The girl at Amanda's desk is hilarious, like a snotty Amanda clone who totally ignores Betty and she's like, "I don't know where the fuck Amanda is." Betty spots Amanda skulking away, and finds her in a fast food costume ("Don't look at me! I'm a freak!"). Amanda has realized that their problems this week are somewhat Betty's fault, but mostly hers: "I dunno, I would say it was more like... 70/40 me." Betty doesn't even aim for the pitch, so sincere is Amanda being. "The thing is, you're right. I should care more about what's important to you... Like paying my half of the rent." She takes off, and Betty blurts, "I had fun!" Amanda stops. "Last night, I had fun. I've been working so hard to pay for my fabulous single life in Manhattan, but I haven't really lived it... Until you forced me to go out last night and have fun, and I did, so... Thank you." Amanda is gracious, and then admits she had a great time too. Man, this is the best thing this show ever did. I love this story so much. Betty tells her about the article and regular feature, and the rent getting paid, but makes it clear to Amanda that she's keeping her second job for the time being.
This episode's shitty version of Marc brings Wili last night's Closet security tape, and giggles and wiggles about the mysterious "things" he had to do to get it. Wili doesn't care. Frankly, this Marc I do not like much so I don't care, and anyway unless it involves spending the rest of his life making it up to Cliff, I don't really care either way. It's been a few weeks and I'm still grappling with the idea that this show is not, and never was at any point, actually about Cliff. I simply cannot wrap my head around that on this fundamental level. Marc waits for Daniel to shuck some clothes and show off that sick body, but no. Just the endless longing. "Stop it. Freeze. You see the way Daniel's looking at her? The way Betty looks at a cheeseburger. I've been looking for the wedge to drive between Connor and that sweet little schoolmarm, and Daniel has just given it to me: He's falling in love with her. And I'm back in the game."
It's funny, because they've never really obscured this storyline from us: pretty much told us from the second Molly showed up how this was going down. And I feel like I should be bothered by the fact that Wili's corporate scheming has been replaced by this bizarre Every Weird Girl Thing At Once application of her evil skills: the baby-wanting, the husband-wanting, the feeling-having, the Having It All of it all... But no. It rings true, and she's doing all of these nutty things completely in character. And frankly, the time for considering Baby Boom in a feminist context is pretty much over, because we've explored it so thoroughly in our entertainment and our lives that now it's just: a thing that happens. Remember the Mommy Wars and how the job-havers and the home-makers complacently bitched about each other and condescended to each other and acted like assholes? Doesn't that feel kind of archaic to you now? The evolution of culture is punctuated not with shouts and murmurs, but with blessed silence. The fact that we can finally talk about career/children without screaming or getting militant -- or tossing absurd generalizations at it -- is a greater sign of our growth as a people than any manifesto: when the fight stops, the world starts up again. We all turn back into just people.
Amanda comes home to a lovely dinner, courtesy of Betty. "What's all this business?" she asks, and Betty says that after a long day of hard work (at two jobs yet!), she thought Amanda would be hungry and tired. I love how their solution is to just legitimize Betty's constant nurturing of Amanda by converting them to a working couple. "I'm going to be cooking and cleaning up for you anyway, you might as well earn it." She gives her a wallet from Hilda's boutique as well and Amanda is totally touched. "You know, because yours got stolen, and you need somewhere to keep your rent money." Amanda is agog: "Betty, this is Prada." Betty corrects her -- it's PLADA -- and then Amanda's voice does that amazingly touching break it does when she says thank you, and they sit down to eat, and they are a little family.