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Daniel visits Alexis in jail for the whole Christina thing, and she sadly tells him about DJ's persona. Namely, that the person to blame for his annoying Francoteenistic presence is her former gonads. And looking at the fake-ass body double Daniel tackles , she's about to blow another one. Wilhelmina blocks Claire's financial pressure on the District Attorney with pressure of a more whips-and-chains type, and her obvious S&M tendencies finally come to light. She gets him to up Alexis's charges from Misdemeanor Pushing A Gorgeous-But-Useless Pregnant Scottish Lass Down Some Stairs to Attempted Murder Of A Scion-Bearing Womb.
Later, Wili visits Alexis and offers a deal: clemency in exchange for Alexis's shares of Meade. She declines, and eventually it's Claire who strikes the deal: Alexis will split her shares between Wili's fake baby and Daniel, making Wili and Daniel co-EICs and giving her half of Meade overall. This is amazing, and Wili takes it in stride: 50% is hers now, 50% remains to be gotten.
Meanwhile, Gio has returned with a cart full of sandwiches and a notebook full of judgments, more than prepared to make Betty feel like a total asshole as usual. Excited to see him and hear all about the Rome trip she crapped on, she's shocked -- shocked -- when Gio's judgmental ass explains that the trip was horrible, she is horrible, and she is banned from both his life and the world of sandwiches. She spends the entire episode trying to make it up to him, but as he explains -- and he has a point -- she's not interested in changing anything, just making herself feel better. He finally admits, heartbreakingly, that she broke his heart, and she gets it. So once again, Gio shows up and Betty turns out to be a dick.
Speaking of, Tony's all over Hilda until a case of mistaken identity -- resulting from the use of Betty's apartment, of course -- leads Tony's wife to visit Hilda and beg her to make her sister Betty reconsider stealing her husband. This is brilliant because it's a total confrontation with the wife under the auspices of being a sympathetic confrontation with the wife, and pretty much redeems all of Hilda's stupidity this season. She acts her ass off, dumping Tony -- not on the eve of, mind you, but -- hours after he's actually told his wife they're through. Citing Santos, she says she cannot be a part of another woman's life falling apart. Which, of course, leaves Tony in the crapper, but: tough beans, cutie.
Daniel spends the entire episode trying to kidnap DJ, via Betty, so his wonderful and lovely French grandparents can't get him. Betty thinks the PO'd wife is the grandparents, so they hurry DJ down the fire escape into Gio's cheesy/meaty van and over to Coney Island for a day of fun, bad food, and ... overhearing Daniel admitting to Betty that he's not actually the father. DJ runs off and spends some time alone, but Betty has explained the point of this episode -- that Betty Suarez Land, Daniel Meade Land, and Hilda Suarez Land are fun places to visit but by living there you hurt everybody -- and Daniel lets DJ go with style. She takes this wisdom home, letting Gio be mad and admitting she didn't actually care that he was mad so much as she was worried about being the good guy. All in all, good use of Gio, although Betty's sudden lack of introspection is, as usual, upsetting.
DJ leaves town, Daniel forgives Alexis as she leaves the country and the show for the time being, Claire and Alexis have another one of those wicked hardcore goodbye scenes that this year have become the emotional backbone of the show, and... I guess we get to see Daniel's reaction to Claire selling his ass to Wili week. I, for one, cannot wait. We're back to status quo, which normally annoys me, but I trust the show enough to know that the loss of both Alexis and DJ can do nothing but raise the bar for week. I'll miss you, Rebecca, and I will miss your freakishly large breasts. But I won't miss the bullshit storylines they hand you.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Fashion Buzz is all about how this week, the "center ring" of the Meade Family Circus belongs to Alexis. There is an entirely different adorable cartoon showing how she threw a pregnant woman down "a pesky flight of stairs," and then Lloyd is all about trying to get as close to the visiting Daniel's limo as possible -- including, awesomely, screaming "Make a hole, bitches!" at the surrounding paparazzi. It would seem that Daniel has lost his gumption, standing as he is with his back to the crowd and a black trench over his body; Lloyd assumes this unfortunate circumstance has taken such a tool that Daniel has become some sort of "twisted hunchback," which is both a funny punchline on its own and points to the real punchline: Miss Betty Suarez, who flips the script on them and screams "HA!" at the disappointed press just as Daniel's slipping in through the back.
Betty calls to make sure he got in okay, and mentions how proud she is of him for supporting his sister. Even if, in this case, she pushed Betty's best friend #1 down the stairs and threw Betty's best friend #2, and her own brother, under the bus for it. He's not happy to be there either, but his mom told him to do it, and God forbid you say no to Claire Meade on a Hot Flash day. Anyway, Betty asks from deep inside her own personal universe, can she take the towncar to work? The answer is no.
Daniel stares across the table at his sister, who looks as much "like crap" as it's possible for Pepper Dennis to look, which is to say not very, but they at least tried to smudge some mascara or something on her eyes and called it a day. She complains that they took away her eyebrow pencil, and he informs her that she's getting out with a fine and a few hundred hours customer service. He wonders aloud why Claire made him come down to say that in person, but of course Alexis has something to share with him.
Specifically, what I am trying to say is that Rebecca Romijn is about to explain to her brother, Eric Mabius, that she is the father of his Parisian child. And that is why I love Ugly Betty.
So he looks at her like, "Um, go for it," and she explains how thirteen years ago they both banged a woman in Paris, and Alexis was still a man, and the woman in question was DJ's mom, and... Daniel's just like, "Yes, get to the pertinent information." I mean, it's Daniel. You have to connect the dots for him. "I saw the results of the paternity test, and you're not DJ's father. I am." Daniel is totally stunned all the way through the rest of her speech, about giving up her parental rights and keeping this all out of the press. Basically, she thinks they can keep everything the same and nobody has to know that Daniel's not his son's father, and um, she's sorry... And that's when he jumps over the table and attempts to beat the shit out of her. Or rather, her totally skinny stunt double who could probably take Eric Mabius, rock-hard pecs or no, any day of the week. Those are some rough bitches.
Meanwhile, Betty is blathering on the phone about she's so proud of Daniel and whatever, he's so mature and growing as a person, and just when you're starting to believe that she's actually talking to dead air, because nobody fucking cares, Hilda stops ignoring her and asks once again if she can use Betty's in-town apartment to meet with her married boyfriend. Betty explains that that was a one-shot deal based on the fake idea that they wouldn't fuck like disgusting pigs, but fool me once... Hilda whines that Ignacio walked in on her boyfriend taking a shower for no damned reason in Betty's living room, so they never even got to talk about his marriage, much less make out. Betty agrees to one last visit, but threatens to change her locks after this, and then sees something that makes her scream. Me too: a little tiny sandwich douche with a chip on his shoulder.
Again under the assumption that anybody cares, she shrieks, "Oh my God, Gio's back!" Hilda points out that it's totally going to be weird, what with Betty dumping him basically after he asked her to go to Rome. True, like, not even Gio deserves to hear, "Spazzing around to a horrible Madonna song and biking with lesbians is absolutely preferable to spending two weeks in your company. Sorry for dicking you around for an entire season and then spitting on your romantic gesture for no good reason." Betty's take is different, because as she remembers that conversation, he smiled hugely when she did this, and told her to have a wonderful trip across the lesbian landmarks of America. Hilda knows, of course, that this is a fantasy and yet another sign of Betty's early-onset dementia, but that selfsame dementia hangs the fuck up on her.
Oh man, that "Breathe Me" song just came on shuffle and it occurred to me: you know what would be a great storyline? If Betty got some horrible disease. I'm not being mean and she wouldn't have to die of it, but it would give her a chance to be strong in some actual circumstances instead of the ones she keeps creating for herself, plus everybody would be nice to her and show they care, and I like when Wilhelmina has feelings... Oh wait. They already did that storyline. And now he's back from Rome. Buongiorno!
Betty clodhops herself directly at Gio and envelopes his sexy self in the sweaty meaty Suarez love, shaking him within inches of his life and scaring the life out of him. Peeling himself out of her arms like a rabbit trying to get away from an overenthusiastic kindergartner, he drops a short distance to the floor and hands her a sign: the braceface de La Fea with a big old Ghostbuster circle over it. Apparently, he will tell her nothing of Rome, nothing of himself, and in fact she is banned. From both his sandwiches and his life. I wonder really which bothers her more.
In Gio's version of the dumpery, she was like, "Truth is, I would rather be all alone than go with you," and then spit on his shoes. Which frankly makes more sense, of the two versions. She protests that it's a lie, and that she certainly didn't spit, and he says sometimes when she talks fast, she spits. She gets all dog with a bone, because you simply do not call Betty a bad person without suffering the overbearing consequences of her trying to show you the error of your ways, and follows him all over the world like that Family Circus dotted line until he spills how horrible Rome really was.
Two weeks in the most romantic place on earth, and he was alone and broken-hearted, and all the reservations were under her name because the arrangements were a gift from Daniel, so all the time it was "Welcome Signor Suarez" and "Can I get you anything Signor Suarez," it was like Betty Suarez Land up in that bitch. Yeah, that sounds awful actually. I always thought it would be horrible to break up with somebody famous because instead of it being like a telephone you bought together or a movie you both liked, it's all magazines and all commercials and all billboards maybe forever. And I understand Rome is like that, but with Betty Suarez.
She says it can't have been all bad, and asks if he found "his flavor" like his Mario Batali did, and he says that he did, and it was this special kind of awesome Scamorza in Puglia that comes from a cow called Luisa who lived quite the life of hand-feeding, pampering, massages, etc. All the things Gio would have done for Ugly Betty, but no: she would not produce the cheese of love. She preferred to keep her love-cheese to herself. And it gets worse, because even after discovering that heaven -- not to mention Bridgeport pizza toppings -- can come from a cow, and all the changes to his lifestyle that discovering one's flavor can bring about, the whole thing was confiscated at JFK and he went back to a Scamorza-free existence. It was all the more cheese hellish for having tasted cheese heaven, and apparently this moment -- watching the customs agents chow down on this freaking amazing cheese -- brought him to an epiphany. In case Amanda's listening in, he helpfully translates: "A moment of total clarity." Drink! It's not Freedom, but it was still unnecessary!
Now, if you've been watching the show you knew this long before Gio did, but don't let your utter lack of surprise take away from the beauty of this discovery on the cheese- and meat-laden journey of Gio's life: "I hate you. You're not a nice person."
He reiterates that she is banned for Gio's Deli and Gio's Life, and she straight up tells him he's wrong and that he is not allowed to bust this particular move, but the real problem is that he called her on her essential Ugly Bettiness, because without that what is she? "I am a very nice person. And you can't hate me, because we're friends!" Not getting the logic there, but the response is amazing: everything goes black and white and he shoots scary red lasers from his eyeballs, down the hall, up her spine, into her fear centers. It's awesome. Betty understands on a basic level that Gio is no longer fucking around, and gasps. "OMG! He hates me!"
Later in Daniel's office, she's complaining that Gio suddenly hates her, even though the truth is that he's hated her as long as he's known her, but all she wants to do is make it up to him, and finally she notices that Daniel's hand is in a pitcher of ice from where he slugged a tranny in jail, and Betty, hilariously, is like, "Daniel, we talked about you fighting! You suck at it!" Like she sat him down. I love that. He won't tell her what happened, because the weird logical leap you have to make this week is that he's hell-bent on keeping DJ's paternity a secret from Betty. That's like all he cares about is kidnapping a Freedom child and making sure Betty doesn't know who the father is. It doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense, but at least this week they attempt to explain it.
"Oh, okay. Because yesterday, you had me check a mole on your 'lower back,' but today boundaries?" She applauds this development/hypocrisy, but doesn't actually care about any of this anyway, because OMG what if a rude sandwich maker whom she treated horribly continues to be both rude and in pain? Daniel immediately recognizes the particular Scamorza she's talking about, because his friend Mario uses it, and Betty OMGs because Batali is Gio's hero, and instead of doing some awesome thing like actually introducing Gio to Mario Batali or setting up a lunch date at the sandwich shop, she just commands Daniel to get some of this magical cheese from Mario so she can give it to Gio. Daniel tries to mention how things are really dicey w/r/t DJ right now and he's got a lot on his plate, like kidnapping for example, and Betty just screams at him to get the cheese with crazy wild eyes and Twinkie froth all on the mouth. I do love Betty when Gio's around, don't you?
Marc brings in Wili's coffee, and without looking up she asks unctuously, "How's my baby?" He starts giggling and hopping and bouncing all around because he apparently gets squirrely when she call him that, and then her scary plastic visage goes, "Face?" and he realizes she's asking about the real baby. Okay, well Christina and "her terminal Scotsman" are apparently at a spa somewhere, and are malingering. Wili tells Marc to remind Christina that her contract "limits extracurricular womb activities," and he fights on behalf of all of our rising lunch when he promises to make the attempt to say those words without killing himself. They discuss how Alexis got off with community service -- "If I knew this was the way the system worked, I woulda tried to kill more often," quoth Wilhelmina -- and Marc is just incensed: Christina tries to off Wili's offspring and gets off with a slap on the wrist. Altogether an offing outrage. Oh, Marc. You'd look much better out of those puns. He follows Wili around as she processes the situation aloud, agreeing with every statement no matter how contradictory, until he's worked himself into a corner, and asks what the eff she's talking about. "Get your lips off my ass and get the DA on the phone." Dude, a good assistant can do both.
The lawyer explains that, thanks to the little blank double carriage return and/or web page between this sentence and the last one, the DA has bumped Alexis's "horrific" crime to attempted murder, no bail. Claire gets wild, of course, and says they won't be going to trial: "I am not putting my daughter's future in the hands of people too stupid or lazy to get out of jury duty," goes the old refrain, but Alexis is so tired due to being a mother and a father at the same time, and just wants to go home to all 6'2" of Jerry O'Connell's hot ass and have a billion kids for a second, so maybe she should just go to jail for the terrible, nonsensical thing she did. The lawyer agrees, because he knows a losing proposition when he sees it, but Claire remains unconvinced. Between Alexis's innate goodness, the handsome Meade contributions to the DA's election funds, and her own insane force of will, "Mommy will make this all better." I love Claire, but it gives me something like a hot flash of terror when she says shit like that, because the only thing more powerful than love is the psychotic break.
Claire calls the DA, and while he's clearly in straits of some kind, he takes time to point out that her calling him while he's prosecuting her daughter is really inappropriate. Claire wants Alexis picking up trash on the West Side Highway like he promised, but sadly, the DA is a political figure who can't be seen as soft on people who toss pregnant women down stairs, no matter how pointless those women are, how horrific the horrors their wombs contain, or how much money the accused commands. There cannot be a different standard of justice for the rich, he says, with a fucking straight face. That alone makes me want to tie him up and beat him, but as we'll see that's been proficiently covered.
Claire points out that the different standard of justice for the rich was (always) on the table when she gave him obscene amounts of election money, but hey: his hands are tied. By Wilhelmina Slater, wearing a basque and some kind of jungle gear, who has him strapped to the bed and reaches out to click off his bluetooth with her riding crop. Hot. She threatens to "hold him in contempt" if there are further interruptions, and she shoves that thing in his face so ruthlessly that he comes before it even touches him. But if you'll pardon my ignorance, I always thought the stereotype was that you get to do the thing you don't always do, in these scenarios, like the powerful on-top dude gets peed on or tied up or naughty and punished or whatever the opposite thing is, but like, if Wili spends her playtime being a dominatrix, doesn't that mean either A) we still don't know all the things Wili fits into her day, or B) all day every day is one long S&M trip for her? Because the latter possibility is amazing.
Tony still wants to pretend that there's something remotely romantic about his relationship with Hilda, whining about the fact that they're having a picnic on Betty's stupid apartment floor when they could be doing it outdoors where God can see their sin, and Hilda's like, "You know what's romantic is ants crawling on your skin. And dog crap." He's all over her, and she's like, "Okay, but we actually do have to talk. These little meetings must be more than implausible Freedom farce tableaux where my dad walks in. Also talking." She lists a few of the many horrible things about this storyline, like the ten people they're dissing by having this conversation, what will happen if he finds out his mom's a skank (too late on that one), etc. Tony claims he's leaving the wife, and Hilda's like, "I swear to God if you're fucking with me" but he promises: he's telling wifey this afternoon. No more "dates" in the back of a car, no more Ignacio assuming they'll burn in hell. That's such good news that instead of leaving until after he actually makes this lie come true, Hilda makes out with him. Later on he's leaving, and the wife has followed him, and she reads the nameplate on the door -- "B. Suarez" -- and the Freedom farce comes flooding right back.
Amanda: "Hey Betty, a pair of sweaty smelly balls arrived for you." They belong to Mario Batali. Ew, not like that! Betty gets so excited about the Scamorza that Amanda assumes it's her lunch, and then hilariously produces a drawerful of some kind of packaged diet product that I gather has gone on the market recently, and compares one slice of the heavenly cheese to ten of her prepackaged diet meals. Then she starts stacking them up, apparently to make good on this ratio.
Betty takes that lawyer guy to Daniel's office, slapping his hand away from the cheese because she has no manners whatsoever this week. The lawyer begs to "step in" and handle the custody fight, because he wants to at least do one thing right for the Meades this week. Turns out that sometime in the last five seconds, the grands-parents have subpoenaed all the evidence in the custody suit, including the paternity test, so Daniel's no longer the father in anybody's mind except Betty's. Additionally in the last two of those five seconds, Alexis gave up her parental rights, and the grands-parents have temporary custody, and he's filed a motion to suspend but if they get the kid to Freedom soil, Daniel can kiss him goodbye as both son and nephew. Wow, are we working on wonky-ass UES time right now or what? When the hell did all that happen?
Amanda makes her little prepackaged meal in the breakroom microwave, demonstrating just how easy it can be, and Betty retrieves her sweaty smelly balls from the fridge just as Daniel finds her and asks her to kidnap DJ. Betty does not care because she has manufactured a plan to waste most of Gio's day by ordering a bunch of sandwiches to her house of whoredom and then trapping him there until she can berate him into not hating her anymore. Good plan, Smellyballs. Daniel doesn't actually care about any of this, because only a lunatic would care about any of this, and Betty -- apparently having not learned her lesson last week -- bugs Daniel about explaining why she needs to kidnap the child if he's the real live MoPo daddy, but Daniel won't tell her and says it's a complex issue involving Freedom bullshit and how about you shut up and do your job, and if you don't, they'll take DJ away due to some manoeuvres compliquées and whatever. Mostly I want to know if the whole "Freedom soil" thing is literally true, like how Dracula had to bring Romanian dirt with him to England, because if so, let's get this done.
Gio brings the sandwiches to Betty's apartment, where she and the Freedom demon child are more than likely complimenting each other's hair in broken languages and generally talking about themselves as though they care about each other in any way. He spots the nameplate and realizes he's been hosed right before she drags him inside. DJ says hello, but in a way where you know he means, "The large American has kidnapped me and won't stop talking about the fucking frommage," and she shoves Gio up against the door so she can apologize the shit out of him, but then he smells the cheese, and tries to take the cheese without acknowledging her endless, pushy, slightly unnerving apology.
Just to be dicks she and the Freedom kid toss the smelly balls back and forth over his head. Which is just mean, because yes he is technically a "little person" as they're called these days, but he's also hotter than a summer barbecue on the sun and I think at that point the intense shortness is just not that remarkable a quality. He calls her an "Indian giver," and she tells him that is both outdated and culturally insensitive. Not to mention inaccurate, as the sweaty balls weren't a gift anyway, they were emotional blackmail, and they both know that. She and DJ nod to each other, because yes, a barely literate thirteen-year-old child with the haircut of a Kennedy compound rapist should be your first moral checkpoint when you're imprisoning a tiny broken sandwich maker in your own home.
The Freedom people -- the male of whom is totally Jacques Pépin -- thank Daniel for taking care of their grandchild, and let him know that DJ has been sending back constant letters about how much he digs Daniel and his life here, but: "His family is here." Daniel points out that he is DJ's family, and they get all kinds of Freedom on him, with the thin old people lips and whatnot, and they basically trump everything when they note how their daughter is dead and DJ is all they have. Daniel can't face that one down.
Dude, would you rather be wicked rich in Paris or wicked rich in New York City? Given the fact that the American financial system turned into the opening credits of a dystopian science fiction thriller back in July -- "Back in 2008, nobody knew rescuing Fannie Mae would lead directly to a privatized apocalypse police state and end civil liberties as they knew them -- now mankind stands at a crossroads..." -- get my ass to gay Paris. Daniel tries to pretend he has no idea where Betty took the kid, which is in itself retarded, because: what, on day three she becomes a kidnapper perv, and that helps how? Luckily, Amanda's there to fuck it up for him, telling all three of them that she's got the kid at her Manhattan apartment. "You're welcome!" she sparkles, and tosses him a wink. Daniel is so sad because you gotta be some kind of blowup doll to ruin an ill-advised kidnapping plot so blithely. Honestly, they both get into so much trouble when they're apart for even five seconds I wish somebody would just duct-tape Betty to him at this point.
Half-hour later and Betty's about five seconds from duct-taping Gio to the chair as she forces him to look at photo after photo from her tragic American tour. I cannot think of anything more precisely calibrated to make you hate a person. Ironic. He points out that she's being a dick, and she's like, "Just picture me! Betty Suarez! Hanging off a cliff, fifty feet in the air!" Gio pictures the shit out of that. She lectures him about how only one percent of visitors actually make it to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and thus she has learned she can do anything, even things that terrify her, thanks to the lessons she learned at his overbearing knee. "You pushed me to take risks! Like plagiarism! And sexual experimentation in the Mojave with lesbian cancer-surviving bicyclists! That's you, buddy! You changed my life! Into something weird and hard to understand! Thanks!"
"So. Breaking up with me made your life better." She's like, "No, listen!" Gio explains that the torture she's putting him through is all about making herself feel like something other than a total asshole for dumping him that way and then forcing him to process it in exactly the way she wants him to so she can get back to basics and starting dicking him around and hot/cold/ignoring him like she did all last year. The thing is, she lives in Betty Suarez Land, vision quest or no, and for once this is not about her, but about things she has no control over.
She bleeps right over the truth of that statement like the names in a Russian novel and focuses on the part where her name happened. "I don't live in Betty Suarez Land!" Uh, you kinda do. "25 Teddybear Lane, Betty Suarez Land, USA." He explains that it takes two people to have a relationship of any kind, which is untenable when one of them -- in this case, him -- is totally uninterested. Case closed. Unless you're Betty, and then you just keep pushing: why though? Why not? How come though? Why wontcha?
"BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY HEART," he screams. It is awesome. Gio wins. Of course, Daniel calls right before Betty totally admits that she returned his jerkness tenfold, and she gets to opt out of this entire conversation too. The grands-parents have discovered where she is, and are on their way with Freedom speed. Meanwhile, Mrs. Hottie Diaz has arrived and is banging on the door, so she assumes that they are still on UES time and everything is happening louder than everything else, so she's like: They're heeeeere.
You got Diaz screaming outside, Daniel squealing like a baby on the other end of the phone, DJ being utterly fucking useless as usual, and Gio in the middle of a life-changing breakdown, so what's Betty going to do? Toss the kid down the fire escape ("escapé flambé," for those students of la belle langue among us) and commandeer Gio's van. Yeah. Without blinking she pulls this shit. So Gio's like but isn't Daniel the father and she explains the bullshit about Freedom legalities and blah blah, but please don't take out the fact that your eternal hatred of me is now legitimate on Daniel or his stupid child, which does it, so they escape together.
And I mean, like the most annoying young hipster family in existence: Betty with her plastic glasses and bright yellow tights and those goddamned braces, tiny muscley Gio with the attitude and the gross cheese van and slight bisexual-or-a-painter vibe, and the long flowing locks of a tweener whose pinkie contains more insouciant ennui than an entire class of American college freshman. They should only grab some moleskins and go to Park Slope, they'd vanish into freaking thin air.
Speaking of Brooklyn tragedies, is this the Kenley Kreation? Because Marc and Wili are wearing matching outfits that look like something the Mad Hatter called "trippy" and then made out with. They commiserate that prison reality is not living up to the fantasy at all, like so: "Where's all the scary beefy trade?" Oh Marc, Wili says tiredly, We're in a women's prison. "I know." Set and match! It's not even a joke, practically, it's just like ... what you would be thinking.
Marc spritzes the phone for Wili so she tell Alexis that the power to forgive is one of the five dark powers she commands as a result of Freedom kissing Satan's anus at midnight, and maybe by the time the hurlyburly's done she can get Alexis out of there. "The District Attorney and I share certain ... enthusiasms." Alexis realizes that she got the charges jacked up in the first place to give Wili more bargaining room, and Wili is totally over the outrage: "We screw each other, it's what we do." She demands Alexis's shares of Meade in return for her French, and Alexis says she'd do a hundred years of scary old prison before she'd screw her brother over again. Just like she says every other time, but this time she means it: This time, Wili can screw herself. She takes off and Wili holds out her hand for more sanitization spritzing.
Gio drives them around aimlessly in the van as they try to come up with a good place to stash the kid, and she suggests Swan Lake to simultaneous pooh-poohing from both Gio and Daniel ("What!? Kids love the ballet. Justin loves the ballet..."), and Gio finally demands the phone so that the two men can figure it out without the worthless girl interfering. Ugh. Gio decides to take them to Coney Island for "dogs" and something called "the Cyclone." Yeah, you should definitely show DJ the worst parts of American culture, that's a good way to keep him here. "They may love you and have psychological stability the Meades can only imagine having, but on the other hand: Carnies!"
The wife goes to Hilda's shop and they have a long talk about how her husband, Tony Diaz, is secretly sneaking around with a woman. That woman? B. Suarez. "You don't have to pretend, I know what's going on." She begs Hilda to intercede on her behalf, and stop the meetings at the Manhattan apartment. She's been back since then -- just today, banging on the door, she could hear her with some kind of Freedom guy, meaning "Betty" must be some kind of insatiable slut. Hilda takes fake offense at this, and the wife sighs, because the Other Woman -- as usual -- is not actually the problem.
It's the Diazs' fault: they married young, they've been married a long time, they stopped hanging out and things went cold. The fact that she still loves him and hasn't cared to show it until now didn't even phase him: he said today he was in love with somebody else (Stop! UES time!). Hilda's amazing at that one: her happy-then-guilty-then-sad face is almost a blur. She asks if it's crazy to still be in love with her cheater husband, and instead of being like, "Have you seen his ass?" Hilda just shakes her head no. Wifey asks for just a chance to save her marriage, and slumps off all pathetic, and Hilda feels like an utter piece, and I'm back in her corner. What a brilliant way of working all the kinks out of that situation in which nobody's really the bad guy, which is much closer to the reality. And in only four episodes!
Betty having promised Gio when it's all done he can drive his meaty cheesy van far far from "Betty Town," they're all three doing a pretty good job of having fun. I mean, "fun" insofar as taking part in creepy nasty carnival delights is fun. It's a headspace thing but I've accomplished it in the past. You know what's weird? Shooting water, into a clown's mouth, until a balloon, coming out of its head, pops. I bet the person who invented that "game" died in prison. I just have a strong feeling that there was something dreadfully wrong with them in a way the authorities are trained to detect.
They send the contested dual-citizen child currently the subject of an international custody battle off to have some fun on Coney Island while they stand around being stupid and boring, and then Daniel comes up and he's like, "Where's my kid?" and they don't really know. He's fine with that. He explains that they're taking the Meade family jet to a country as yet TBA -- "What country has no extradition treaty with us? Iceland's a real country, right?" -- because the judge wouldn't grant a stay, of course, so Daniel finally explodes with the missing, obvious jigsaw piece that Daniel Junior is not actually his son... Just as DJ is walking up.
And I mean he gets ten kinds of Freedom about it too, like, running off in slow-motion while a ballon rouge floats impishly up into the sky and this cloyingly cute little girl with a cute little haircut makes cute little faces and hides her cute little laughter with her cute little hand and hides cute little garden gnomes and eats adorably serendipitous crème brûlée and ... I don't know. Johnny Depp eats some chocolate and realizes that even he must struggle at this point to remember why the name Vanessa Paradis sounds so nigglingly familiar.
But like damn, that was lazy writing: Daniel keeps this one obvious fact a "secret" the whole time, needlessly complicating an already-complex script, just long enough to scream it in front of the kid. The same thing happened on Horseland this morning. I normally don't watch it, but I'm obsessed with this early-morning show called Cake and it comes on right after it. On the upside, Gio notes heartlessly, DJ's English is getting pretty good.
They roam Coney Island at will and discuss how Daniel couldn't tell her the very simple truth because saying it out loud, like everybody has been doing the whole episode, would somehow "make it real." I guess specifically telling Betty would do this, is the point, because she's all Daniel has in his life that even approaches reality. Daniel tells her that Alexis was the actual sperm donor, which results in a pretty awesome whoa face, and Betty talks Daniel out of going on the run and fucking up his life and sense of the ways things work even more than Daniel's already been doing. In the process of talking Daniel through this, she realizes spontaneously that Gio is totally right about Betty Suarez Land, and somehow transmits this information about narcissistic solipsism to Hilda, wrapping up all three conflicts neatly. Gio appears and taps Daniel sweetly on the shoulder, having figured out where DJ went through his powers of knowing random shit for no reason except that even the show is tired of this storyline.
Wili finds Claire sitting at her desk and they have a super intense pissing match. "I went to a lot of trouble to get you a perfectly nice cubicle!" she says, and they talk about how Wili is all about destroying Claire's daughter's life as a power play for the company -- which is exactly what Alexis was doing when she tried to kill Wili's kid. Good point. Claire explains that Alexis will never, ever give Wili control over Meade Publications, and Wili's like, "Then we don't have anything to talk about, so take your hot flash cold sweats off the upholstery."
But Claire's new plan to save everybody involves Alexis splitting her shares between the baby and Daniel, so that Wili will be an equal partner and they can be co-EICs. I was so bummed that Wili didn't get to play the Fey Sommers thing to the hilt, but this is even better. Trust the show, Tiger. In return, Wilhelmina will use her "influence" with the DA to get Alexis sprung. Wili knows Daniel won't be happy with his mother bartering away his legacy to French his jailbird sister, but Claire grins creepily and explains that human beings, unlike Wili, understand the concept of sacrifice, and that he will understand that this is about saving his sister. Wili gets in her face and pushes past her to her chair, thinking Botoxically about how that's dumb because you don't give things up to save your sister, you steal her meds and turn her into a psycho arsonist. Obviously.
Betty's grossed out by the viralpalooza under the boardwalk, but Gio knows he's right: no screaming tourists, the ability to be alone with his tiny Freedom thoughts, and also the chance to look up the skirts of all the lovely ladies of Coney Island. Welcome to hell. And of course Gio is right, and there's DJ having a Gallic meltdown in the dirt. Daniel approaches him and they talk for about six hours about how he said he was his Dad in every episode, but that wasn't true, but he still feels like his Dad, but he also doesn't really care that much, so he will be the crazy fun American uncle, and that's not as meaningless as it sounds, so in summation he totally loves DJ but doesn't really want him, and that is beautiful. And then they hug each other and it is totally facile, and Betty and Gio have slight feelings about each other that are not hate, and then it's just endless huggery under the boardwalk. Whatever gets that kid out of here, man, because I am over it.
Tony comes to Ignacio's house, where Hilda looks amazing just long enough to dump him. Why? Because he's married. But he totally just left his wife. And that's weird for him, but still no. He hasn't even realized how fucked that makes him yet, because Hilda is explaining that she doesn't want to be a part of whatever happens with his wife, because that's not her thing. Like, she's not necessarily the gunman that killed Santos, in this scenario, but she's still a witness to the murder, and who wants to be party to that shit? I can't say I blame her, although it sucks for Tony, but honestly all he had to do was leave the marriage, if he wasn't happy. He didn't have to use Hilda for that. They love each other like, so much, and he is so totally fine, but none of that matters because this is a story he's writing and she doesn't want to be a character in it. She cries, he leaves, Ignacio hugs her, it's pretty much the optimal ending for this story. Hilda's probably my favorite character on this show besides Amanda in her human form, so I'm glad she pulled it together finally.
Back at the apartment, Betty hands over the cheese for a job well done, and tells Gio he was totally right about everything, as usual. In her own defense, though, she really did think they could be friends again, or as he puts it, "That's how you roll on Teddybear Lane." She thought she was being selfless, but there's no such thing, and it was all about her because it always is, which is fine if you're honest about it, but she really should have let him have whatever feelings he was having without trying to administrate them. And then she apologizes for hurting him so brutally. He admits spending the day with her was pretty great and that he shouldn't have been so quick to try and cut her off completely like that.
And then, awesomely, Gio says something that out of another mouth -- even his, before this episode -- would sound like the deepest, ugliest burn imaginable. It's like a hateful speech Adrian Grenier might have given Princess Mia in Prada, about how he's known her for a while, and she's great at her job, and swims with the sharks at Mode, and keeps Daniel's head about water, and how she will do great things one day. "I don't blame you for choosing yourself," he says, and totally means it, in the most awesome way. This is the first time I've ever been into Gio at all, so it figures that it's his parting speech. Congratulations on those sweaty, smelly balls. You earned them. She almost follows him out the door, but her phone rings and she thinks better of going after him.
Wili and Marc have a short conversation in which she looks at the new 50/50 split in the best way possible, which is that she's accomplished half her goal. After all, six months ago she was just a salaried employee and cabinet member of the creative team, and now she owns half of a publishing empire. Marc agrees that, expressed that way, it's less distressing than it is totally hot.
Daniel tells Alexis she's looking pretty good, no jailhouse tattoos etc. She and her mother bond over the intense life experience of being thoroughly deloused. As usual, the whole scene is mostly about Claire, even when she's not talking. I mean, she doesn't take her eyes off Alexis's face, or blink, the entire time. She just loves those kids so much. What a good actor Judith Light is. Alexis is heading out to Provence, so Daniel gives her leave to get to know DJ. She starts crying and apologizes for sleeping with her brother's girlfriend, hilariously, and he apologizes for "trying" to punch her, but Betty's right: "You suck at fighting."
Alexis and Claire have yet another really touching goodbye scene while some kind of sad Coldplay music plays, and as usual it's the most moving part of the episode. You could have an entire episode of these two women staring at each other mutely while weeping and it would still be the best thing ever. Seems like half of every episode actually has been that so far, and it's always fantastic. She nods at Daniel and heads for the helicopter.
In Queens, Justin rubs his mother's shoulder while she cries; her father brings in tea. Betty enters and kisses her father and hugs Hilda. Sorry you got burned by acting like a whore. They all cuddle up into a big Suarez pile on the couch, and Justin climbs on top. I'm going to need some quality Justin time week, I'm sorry. It's been too long. At the helipad, Daniel finally runs to his sister and throws his arms around her; her eyes over his shoulder are joyous and sad, and she locks eyes with Claire again while Betty and Ignacio force-start the post-breakup overfeeding process. Daniel and Claire watch the helicopter take off, and Claire's stricken face is the saddest thing you've ever seen.
You've got Hilda, the mother, and Wili the fake mother, and Betty being everybody's mother and constantly missing her own mother and trying to replace her mother, and Amanda trying desperately to understand her own mother and find her own strength from that... I think probably any fashion story is a story about mothers and daughters. Makes sense. But the best of them all has always been Alexis and Claire. Alexis is the best thing about Claire; Claire is the best thing about Alexis. I didn't realize how sad her leaving the show was, until I thought about it that way.
take a look back at the soapiest moments on the show.