Previously on Ugly Betty: Wili was back with a vengeance, and wasted no time in getting herself reinstated as creative director at Mode. Claire assigned Betty to write an article for Hot Flash -- a whole 300 words! How will she ever finish? Hilda developed the hots for Justin's gym teacher, and Betty had some hots of her own to deal with when, in the wake of her breakup with Henry, Gio stated his intentions to be "The Guy."
And lo, it has come to pass. Or, should I say, and Lohan, it has come to pass. We begin in flashback. Picture it: Queens, 1999. One Lindsay Lohan -- or Kimberly as she will now be known -- picks Betty to be on her dodgeball team. Betty has moved up a rung from her position as last picked -- she is now second to last picked. She seems flattered. All of the students are wearing bright orange T-shirts, which has the effect of making them look like they are on prison work release, spearing trash on the side of the interstate. Lindsay might want to get used to this feeling. As the game begins, Lohan yells, "Get behind the human shield!" and everyone darts behind Betty. About eight dodge balls come her way, and we jump to the present. Betty has told Gio this story to explain why she hates sports and won't be participating in the Mode versus Elle charity softball game. However, the softball game is Daniel's pride, and he really wants both Gio and Betty to play. Gio, for his part, thinks it will be a fun thing for them to do as a couple. Betty protests that they're not a couple yet, and says she wants to take it slow. She will, however, allow Gio to take her on a date "soon." He says it will have to be very soon -- he's going to Italy for a month to find his own unique "flavor." It's all part of his five year plan.
Before Betty can decide whether to be sad or not, she spies a shipment of Hot Flash magazines being delivered and rushes to grab one. She flips through a bunch of ads for old lady crèmes before finding her column -- "Young at Any Age." And this is when Betty learns a lesson about getting published in a magazine. Her article is wee and completely rewritten with terms like "natch" for "naturally." "Natch" is like the Miley Cyrus of the lexicon -- annoying, foisted upon an unsuspecting public, and utterly without purpose. Betty goes to ask Claire about it, and Claire explains that while Betty's idea for the article was great, the execution wasn't. It was too... safe. As Betty thanks Claire for her constructive criticism and the opportunity, Claire asks what she wants to be when she grows up. Betty says that she wants to be Claire. Minus the pickled liver and extended stay in the big house, I'm guessing. Betty loves magazines, and she wants to own one. Claire is certain that Betty will achieve whatever she wants, but warns that she's not going to do it by playing it safe. She'll have to take some risks, not only at work, but in her life. I think Claire wants Betty to request a serving of Gio's kosher dill.
Cut to Hilda sharing a romantic meal of school cafeteria tater tots and Jello with Coach Diaz or, as he prefers to be called, Tony. Hilda likes to call him coach and, I'm sure, dress up like a cheerleader. Coach goes in for the kiss, and Hilda stuffs a tater tot in his mouth. Cocktease! She went through a lot this year, so wants to take it slow. Coach says that's okay, then kisses her on the cheek and says he'll see her Saturday. Hilda has to fan herself as he leaves.
At Mode, Daniel randomly sniffs the inside of his coffee cup as Alexis enters and gives him kudos on the bright orange softball uniforms. Turns out Daniel has worked a couple of nights in a row. Alexis doesn't think there's any need for him to kill himself, especially since he has a very strong creative director. But Daniel doesn't trust Wili around him, his magazine, or his softball team. And he doesn't trust Alexis a whole lot either. She throws down the softball uniform and stomps out. Meanwhile, Amanda and Marc are rocking their customized shirts -- Amanda's is now a halter top -- and they mock Betty for her piece in Hot Flash as she enters. She tries to nice-up to Amanda, who is the head of the cheerleading squad for the softball game. Amanda asks if she wants to be the mascot. Turns out Betty actually wants to use her spare pep to cheer. Amanda makes her try out on the spot, then tells her they have no uniforms in her size. I am still just impressed that Betty knew what a herkie was. She leaves, and a boy speaking French walks in and approaches the reception desk. Amanda wants to dress him like a doll and put makeup on him. And will.
Meanwhile, Daniel is in his big meeting, talking about target demographics and whatnot with a very important looking Norwegian lady, Madeleine de B. Madeleine is confused, and with good reason according to Wilhelmina. Daniel's figures are accurate and thorough, but they make a person's head hurt. Wili takes over, and offers to donate the proceeds of the softball game to a children's charity that Madeleine co-chairs in the Netherlands, in return to a one-year commitment to 20 pages of advertising per issue at a reduced rate. And, Wili wins. Daniel storms out, and Betty tactfully neglects to tell him that Wili is actually much better at his job than he is. Rather, she gingerly suggests that Wili isn't going anywhere, so they need to figure out how to work with her. She heads off for lunch with Gio, and Daniel congratulates her on her article including her hilarious word choice. Natch.
Cut to the Betty and Gio lunch. Betty wonders if shortening more words is the way to take risks. And then Gio busts out his surprise -- a bat. They're going to have a little practice so that Betty doesn't humiliate herself in the charity game. She starts to walk off, claiming that she'd rather be the mascot, and Gio yells after her that that's fine if she wants to play it safe.
Back at Mode, the French boy, elegantly made up, heads to Daniel's office. He has something very important he wants to speak to Daniel about, but Daniel can't understand a word of the French. He asks if anyone in the office speaks French, and the little boy raises his hand. It's a bold move for a Marie Osmond doll.
Meanwhile, Betty bats miserably. Gio tells her to focus on the ball, and she hits a mean line drive. And another! And another! She's totally going to take the hot dog vendor's eye out. Passersby and picnickers run away. Gio says, "See what you can do when you say yes to things?" And then he follows up that softball with something a little more complicated, asking if she wants to come to Rome with him. She hits a pop fly directly above her head, and Gio tackles her to the ground. In a sexy way, natch. He says he wants them to have the most romantic first date ever. One in which neither of them smells like salami. And then Betty says okay! She's going to do it! Gio kisses her and smiles. That all seemed waaaay too easy.
And then, it turns out that Daniel has finally found a translator. The little French boy's name is Daniel, and his mother's name is Lucy. She's a model that Big Daniel met in Paris many years ago. She has also died recently. Big Daniel says that this is a bummer. Little Daniel continues that he's in New York on a retreat with his school, but he separated from them because -- you guessed it -- he wanted to meet his father. Who is Daniel. D'oh! Commercials.
When we return, Betty busts in with exciting news: she's going to play on the softball team, and she told Gio she'd go with him to Rome for a month! Daniel looks pensive, and Betty thinks it's due to her impending absence. Then she notices that a little French kid with eyeshadow is in Daniel's office. Daniel tells her that this French orphan is claiming to be his son. Daniel doesn't buy it, though, and says this kind of thing happened to Bradford all the time. Betty points out that Bradford did manage to impregnate someone even from the grave. Daniel does not appreciate that. He thinks that someone is either after his money, or is messing with his head. And -- brain spark! -- he knows who it is. Cut to Wilhelmina's office. Daniel confronts her, and she denies, in a roundabout way, having anything to do with the urchin in Daniel's office. He says this is a chess game, and Wili has no movies. Wili tells him that she plays chess, and he's playing checkers. He skulks off. Once he's gone, Marc asks Wili if she is truly evil enough to have come up with this scheme. Turns out, she didn't plan it. This is evidence to her that God must truly love them. Just in their time of need, he drops a little French boy into their laps. Though she didn't plan this, she's certainly going to use it. She calls checkmate, and Marc replies, "Queen me!" Natch.
Cut to Daniel getting a blood test. The results will be back in a few weeks. This is like a Maury episode come to life! He heads out for another three-model date, and Betty seems a bit incensed that Daniel doesn't want to spend any time with Daniel Jr. But he is insistent that Billie Jean was not his lover, and this is all a scam. A hurt Daniel Jr. rushes out, and Betty gives Daniel an evil glare. He notes that D.J. doesn't speak English, and Betty says he doesn't have to. As D.J. waits at the elevator, a French-speaking Wili and beret-sporting Marc approach him. Wili says she's sorry that his father left him, and asks if he's hungry. He is, and agrees to have dinner with Wili and Marc. I feel like we're watching a Disney cartoon unfold before our eyes! Don't eat the apple taken from her gnarled hand, le petit Danny!
Back at Casa de Suarez, Justin calls Hilda a tease, but Ignacio thinks that taking it slow is the thing to do -- after all, what does she know about this Coach Diaz, if that even is his name? Betty rushes in and trumps Hilda's modest success with the news that she's going to Rome with Gio. Ignacio wonders how she's going to pay for it, and where she's going to sleep. He does not like this plan one bit. Just as he is going off in rapid Spanish, Justin comes in to tell Betty that there's someone at the door for her. It's Henry. Er, natch. She asks what he's doing there, and he drops to one knee. And not because he's having a knee pain! Because he's proposing! As Betty looks stunned, we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty -- and the rest of her eavesdropping family -- are in shock. Betty asks Henry why he's doing this when she's just starting to get over him. Henry doesn't want Betty to get over him. He's not over her. He loves her, and says that they can be together. Henry proposes that Betty move to Tucson with him. He knows she can be happy there, and has a friend who works at a magazine. Said friend can give Betty a job as a writer. The pay is good, so she can still help out with her family. Henry begs her to say yes. He's going back to Tucson on Monday, and he wants Betty to be on the plane with him -- as his fiancée. What happened to just, like, sending your ex an email to see how they're doing, or maybe the occasional midnight booty call text?
As Betty contemplates the ring, Ignacio asks if she's out of her mind. She's only 24, he says, and is not getting married. He and Hilda, who's all for true love, argue. Ignacio says that Betty is not going to Rome with some guy, and she's not getting married to some guy and moving to Tucson. Betty points out that she's sitting right there, and is asking for advice, not approval. Turns out Ignacio has no approval to give. I think he's still just reeling at the knowledge that Betty isn't a virgin. I mean, I am too. Just take a deep breath and think about empanadas, papi.
Fashion TV has some breaking news about Daniel's French bastard son, of course. How did Daniel celebrate, Suzuki St. Pierre asks? By partying with some models to promote the Mode/Elle softball game. Meanwhile, little orphan Danny wandered through the streets of Manhattan and scoured dumpsters for food. He's a freegan! Claire and Daniel watch, and Claire says that D.J. has Daniel's jawline. She's thrilled to have a grandson. Daniel insists that Junior isn't his. Alexis comes in with the news that the Madeleine has pulled out due to Daniel's child-abandoning ways. Alexis suggests some damage control that involves Daniel taking a leave of absence. Daniel points out that when Mode lost all kinds of advertisers because Alexis got transtastic, he stood by her. They almost lost the magazine, he says. Alexis tells him that she's learning from his mistakes. She's a cold-hearted snake, look into her eyes!
Back at Casa de Suarez, Ignacio irons furiously. He and Hilda discuss Betty. Hilda thinks Ignacio is just afraid of losing her. She knows what it's like to find love, she says, and when it comes along, you have to seize the opportunity. She gets sad for a moment. Ignacio asks if she's okay, and she says she is. She's heading off to seize her own opportunity.
Betty rushes into Daniel's office to ask about his leave of absence. He says it means nothing. It's just a couple of weeks, and it's a good time for Betty to take a vacation. Betty points out that it's going to be a couple of weeks before the paternity results are back. As it turns out, Daniel doesn't need them. He has a letter that Lucy wrote to Daniel Junior before she died. She wanted him to know who his father is, and to come and find Daniel if anything happened to her. Junior is his. Daniel asks what he's going to do. Betty tells him that he can be there for his son. He just lost his mom, so needs Daniel now more than ever. Daniel thanks her, and then gives her an amazing present -- two first class tickets to Rome for her and Gio, along with an all-expenses paid stay at five star hotels. Betty collapses on Daniel's couch, and explains the Henry situation. She doesn't know what to do, and Daniel isn't really in the business of relationship advice. But she wants it anyway, because he's her friend. Daniel tells her to go to Rome. She asks if this is because she shouldn't be with Henry. It isn't. It's because Daniel couldn't imagine being at Mode without her. Awww. He asks what she's going to do. She's going to do what she always does -- hem and haw and take up time until the episode is over and we are left without answers! Betty takes a deep breath, and we head to commercials.
When we return, Wili is on the phone, thanking someone for being so understanding. Turns out it was Madeleine de B. It took some finessing, Wili tells Alexis, but now she's back on board. Alexis thanks her, and Wili says it's fine for her to take care of everything now that Daniel's off dealing with his little bastard. Alexis begins to look peeved. Wili says it's been a lot easier getting things done by herself. She reminds Alexis of their plan to take over the company together. She understands why Alexis chose her brother, but says that now that she's in charge she needs to do what's best for the magazine. She suggests "reassigning" Daniel to another position in the Meade empire that might be a better fit. I don't know. I wouldn't trust him to, like, clean the windows or answer phones or anything. Wili says that family will always be there, but with Daniel running things, she's not sure if Mode will.
Speaking of Daniel, he's meeting with Junior and his translator in his office. Betty watches on, but is interrupted as Ignacio shows up to talk to her. Meanwhile, Coach Diaz has just given Hilda a necklace. He says it's a fine gem for a fine gem. She loves it. The coach is glad that she called, he says, because he wanted to talk to her. Hilda is done talking, though, and goes in for a kiss. But the coach pulls away. He doesn't know how to say this, he says, but he's not single. There was a separation, and then a reunion, then a falling apart. It was all very rocky. But they're together now. Hilda is pissed, since this is the first time she's opened herself up to anyone since Santos. The coach says that he wanted her to know, because he feels like he's falling for her. Hilda dramatically exits his car and slams the door. Is it just me, or does Coach Diaz's lack of pronoun usage make you think that he's totally with a dude?
In Adventures in Daddyville, Daniel shows Junior the sights of Manhattan through his office telescope. Yeah, he's a real natural. With their limited language skills, they bond over their mutual love of movies and thinking Megan Fox is hot. Daniel asks about sports, and it turns out that Junior loves baseball. Daniel smiles.
In Adventures in Daddyville II, Ignacio and Betty look at her childhood photos. He especially wanted to show Betty one picture of them at the community pool in the summer. Betty wanted to jump off of the high board, and Ignacio wouldn't let her. She got so mad, and went to the edge of the board anyway. She remarks that she was scared. But she jumped, and it was okay. Ignacio wanted to protect her, but Betty knew what she wanted to do, and did it. Now, however, says Betty, she doesn't know what she wants to do. Ignacio can't tell her anything but that he loves her and that he'll support her either way. It's her decision, Ignacio says, and she can't listen to anyone else. She needs to search deep inside, and then take a deep breath, and then shout out, "I choose me!" like Kelly Taylor. Right? Ponder this as we go to commercials.
When we return, it's time for the Mode/Elle charity softball game! Who will Naomi Campbell smash in the head with a baseball bat this year? I kind of hope it's Daniel. Just for kicks. Daniel has brought Daniel Junior, and Betty says hello to them until she spies Gio and rushes off. Junior watches Marc cheer, and says that he's very funny. He calls him by name, and Daniel wonders how Junior knows Marc. Oh, put it together, dumb-ass.
The game commences with a cheer from Amanda and Marc featuring the line, "You're Elle, you smell, your team can go to hell!" They want to get higher by jumping on something or somebody, and Betty seems a likely candidate. She tells them that jumping on people is rude, and then runs smack into Gio. He notes that she's been avoiding him. She tries to deny it, to no avail. He says that if she doesn't want to go to Rome with him, she should just tell him. She starts to say that she does want to go with him, but... and then Henry shows up in uniform. There is a little tension, and then Gio blurts out the fact that he thought playing together on the team would be a fun thing for him and Betty to do before they go to Rome. Henry is a bit surprised to hear about this whole Rome thing, and notes that he just asked Betty to marry him. Gio is a little surprised to hear about THIS recent development, too, and for a moment Betty's heart pounds and everything is in slow-mo. But then it's time for the players to take the field! Saved by the first inning.
Actually, there is a bit of a delay. Daniel is supposed to be pitching, but is not on the mound. Turns out he's confronting Wili about how she had Junior pick through the trash, then leaked the footage to the press. Well, duh. Daniel warns Wili to stop trying to push him out. She tells him that it's a done deal -- Alexis already pushed him out. Daniel says that this isn't true. Alexis just asked him to keep a low profile until they got the Madeleine de B. account back. Wili says that he must not know. He's not low profile, he's no profile. He's no longer editor-in-chief of Mode -- Wili is. Well, for once somebody made a sound business decision. As the softball announcer asks who's pitching, Wilhelmina takes the mound. Turns out she was secretly a dyke in college, because that bitch can work the underhand wind-up. She strikes out her first victim, who says he was distracted by how fat she looks in white. Wilhelmina is unperturbed, possibly because she could be Jodie Foster's homewrecking lover, and that's an exciting development.
Meanwhile, Daniel confronts Alexis, with Claire standing by. He asks how she could do this, and she says it's best for the company. He points out that he still owns 1/3 of the company. Isn't it weird that an unborn fetus actually has a stake in this company? Is that actually legally sound? Alexis says they'll find something else for him to do, but Mode just isn't it. Claire looks heartbroken. Daniel heads over to Junior, and the two walk off together.
Wili has her second batter. It's a line drive straight at her and she catches it with all her super-dyke powers. Girl knows how to handle a ball. up... it's Naomi, bitches! She looks so fierce that she could smack me in the head with a cell phone all day and I'd just write "I love you" in drool on the floor. She takes the field to the strains of Madonna. As she approaches the mound twirling her bat, the umpire and catcher back off. She sassily says, "Don't worry, darling, I'll wield this bat with love." Her phone rings, and as she opens it everyone ducks. It's Bono! She says, "Not now, darling, I'm playing cricket." Hee. She challenges Wili to give it to her. Wili is ready to give. In the outfield, Betty is standing between Henry and Gio. Natch. Wili and Naomi stare each other down. Wili kisses the ball and pitches. Naomi hits one long and deep, straight toward center field. As Betty yells that she has it, Gio and Henry come rushing toward her, also claiming that they have it. Why does every outfielder have to be a hero? We'll doubtlessly see the concussions when we return from a commercial break.
And then! We return. Betty, in bed, opens her eyes as Henry says, "Good morning, Mrs. Grubstick." He made her breakfast in bed -- blue corn pancakes with prickly pear syrup. It's a Tucson specialty. She says she had a dream about the softball game. The best softball game ever, in which she decided to marry him. He tells her that she made the right choice. She agrees and kisses him. He says that he thought this weekend the two of them and little Nate could go visit some dam and learn about hydroelectric power. Betty tells him that her article is due this weekend, so she'll be working. Unless, that is, she starts right now and finishes it all today! She pops out of bed fully clothed in a flowy dress, so we now know for sure that this is a dream. On the brink of asking Henry if he picked up dandruff shampoo, she walks through a door and into... Rome! Gio awaits, in the gorgeous, Daniel-financed hotel. Betty is stunned, and says she was having a weird déjà vu and imagining her life if she had ended up in Tucson. They look at the itinerary for the day, which seems a heck of a lot more exciting than a trip to the dam. Then Henry answers, asking what Betty is doing. He and Gio both come at Betty, demanding that she make a choice. She steps out onto the balcony of her hotel room, and dives off.
It is at this moment that she comes to on the baseball field. Everyone is standing around her, and Naomi asks if she's all right. Betty says that she knows what to do. We cut to Hilda, holding the necklace that the coach gave her and looking sad. Then we head to Mode where everyone is celebrating their victory in the softball game and Wili is being especially feted. Claire looks on sadly and glares at Alexis, who maybe feels a little guilty. Daniel, meanwhile, packs up his office with Junior at his side. Kid, you have an unemployed father wearing a leather blazer. Get used to it. Cut to Betty, looking at the photo taken at the community pool. She zips up her suitcase. But where is she going? Oooh! And then Hilda approaches a shirtless Coach Diaz, who is on the basketball court. They kiss. Ooh, girl, you are entering the Land of the Homewreckers, which is populated with a disproportionate amount of nannies. Beware. Back to Daniel, who glares at Wilhelmina, holding her giant trophy. And then back to Betty, still rocking to Madonna, hugging Ignacio and Justin goodbye. She opens the door where a cab awaits. We pan back to see a view of New York City, with a plane flying overhead. Bitches!!!! There is nothing that fills me with such fury as a cliffhanger. As you might imagine, May is a very difficult time for me.
Thank you all for reading, and have a great summer filled with love triangles and softball games and all the Naomi Campbell run-ins your little hearts desire!
Potes would always go for the guy who could give her free sandwiches. If you want to offer her a sandwich, or just say hi, write to potesypotes@gmail.com.
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