So the fabulous Potes is off, and her planned sub had some massive weather issues, so you're stuck with me, the sub of a sub, but fear not, I'm a massive Betty addict, and whatever happens, Potes will be back week to weecap the Lohan-filled season finale.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I feel it only fair to share that for the last month of new episodes I've been grumbling about the lack of Marc and Amanda scenes and complaining that the Henry baby-mama drama was driving me bananas. Let's just say, going into this episode, I was holding my breath hoping that it would be better, and well...my wish was happily granted.
Previously on Ugly Betty: Hilda got all hot for gym teacher, Amanda found out Gene Simmons was her dad, Wili dropped the baby bomb on the Meade family, Gio proved he was good boyfriend material and Henry's bitchy girlfriend had her baby.
Betty's in bed staring at her snowglobe and weeping over Henry, while Eric Carmen's mega-break-up-send-you-into-depression song plays. Down in the kitchen, Betty gets some TLC from her sick dad and Hilda. Who's making eggs a la Hilda (natch!) and curing all with some cucumbers. Justin (love him!) tells Betty she's been looking super-slim since Henry left and forgets to make this sound like bad thing. And Hilda doles out the best breakup advice ever: "When I break up with a guy, I like to get a little bit scary, so he doesn't forget me." Then Hilda gets all girly and heads to the PTA, and Ignacio tries to convince Betty to take some downtime, but our girl Betty loves being preoccupied by the "Mode" drama. Ignacio should understand this, considering how much he loves his telenovelas.
Fashion TV is eating up this juiciness too, announcing that Wili's back on the scene with a baby, sort of, "Wilhelmina, a mother again? She's certainly been called one." The Meades are on the defensive, coping with lawyers and putting out press releases. All of a sudden Christina is feeling guilty about having the baby; she thinks the Meade family hates her and runs off, never to be seen again in this episode. Lawyers claim mini-Meade is entitled to a third of the company and since Wili is mommy dearest, she gets to run baby-to-be's share until he/she/it turns 18. I try not to dwell on the details about this show or put reality into play here, but wouldn't the baby not get anything until it is actually expelled from Christina's uterus? Does a fetus have a claim on the fortune? Eh, who the hell cares. Wili's back looking wickeder than ever.
"Let's do this bitch." Wili preps her fabulous entrance, and Amanda immediately falls in line with Marc (as it should be.) The family Meade and Betty face off against Wili and Marc in the tunnel, she talks about a fresh start, while setting Daniel up for an awkward hug/shove that makes a perfect photo op. And Oh. My. God. The handbags that are beautifully displayed in the tunnel are this vivid blue, with knives in them and red tassels hanging out of them. Genius. Wili and Marc head off to dust off Wili's old office, celebrate being back and plot to divide the house of Meade. Delicious. "You are a horror movie I wish would never end," says Marc. Amen to that.
Paranoid Daniel is freaked that Wili is after his job and has nightmares where she stabs him with a stiletto and turns into a bat. Oh Daniel, Wili is so much more clever than that! Give the evil witch some credit. Alexis is wearing a suit jacket that exposes her bra while she says that she and Daniel need to stick together. Like that will happen.
Claire gives Betty a writing job, tasks her with penning an article on the youth perspective. She says she's short four pages of content, but then she asks for 300 words. Um, I know magazines have big print, but there had better be a lot of pictures going with this article. I'm already at 700 words here and we haven't even gotten to the credits. But, there I go again, thinking in reality. Betty is all unsure of herself, and goes to get lunch for the office at Gio's deli. Seriously, wasn't this show all about how people never eat?
Mandy finds Marc, gives him "mad props" on the dramatic entrance and then turns the convo to her favorite topic: herself. She shows off the intro for her new reality series, Daddy's Little Girl, with her dad Gene Simmons. Haven't you heard? Gene Simmons, fame whore, is her dad. And in case she didn't mention, she's the offspring of Gene Simmons and Fey Summers. Marc acts the dutiful friend and tells her she's going to be a reality TV star, which is apparently the goal of every pretty girl with non-specific talent. Hit the nail on the head with that one. Then Mandy gets all diva and tells Marc he can't be on her show because he's blurry. Bitch. Love it though. I'm so glad that these two are back sniping at each other.
Gio's Deli. Betty unwittingly flirts with Gio, who makes her laugh and gives her a cookie. He's perfect for her. They squabble a bit, he says she wants him to be her rebound guy. She's torn, I love Henry still, but Gio feeds me...and then he kisses her. Smack on the lips. She kisses back. But then slaps him. Be careful, Betty, he looks like he may be into that kind of thing.
Betty's back at her desk, trying to focus on her article and put Gio out of her mind, when the entire office gets an IM saying, "Guess who ordered tongue at Gio's deli?" Better still, this IM has a pic attached. A nice zoomed-in picture of the smooch, with LOLcat speak saying, "Betty Whorez is out of control!" Marc and Amanda must be behind this. Awesome. But it sends Betty into a spiral of self-hatred and doubt. Cut to Daniel in a meeting with Alexis about the new issue. Wili crashes the party. Throws Daniel into a tailspin. Then Marc and Amanda are at her desk making fun of Betty, who they claim looks like she's eating Gio. Cackling. Marc says he's missed this. Is Marc me today? Betty goes on to attack them, but Mandy's all like, "Oh, we're so glad you found a rebound guy." They tell her Henry was a mis-match because he had too hot of a bod, but Gio's perfect because he smells like salami. Betty protests too much, then scrambles to the bathroom, where she finds out that Marc's defaced it. These people know how to pull pranks.
Back to Daniel pitching "War" -- but, you know, the fashion-friendly kind -- as the topic for the cover. Wili's like, "Genius, but Elle's already got it on the schedule." Danny-boy runs to the bathroom with his tail between his legs. In the coolest restroom ever, Betty's scrubbing and Daniel lets it slip that he told Claire to give Betty the article. A pity assignment is better than none, Betty. They give each other pep talks, which ends with Betty slapping him on the ass. Awkward.
We follow a bouncing ball to the playground, where Hilda's all flirty and Justin is all disgusted. Tony misses Hilda's obvious signals, but he asks her to be a chaperone for a school dance. She forces an unwilling Justin to go to the dance in order to get a date. Back at Mode, Wili has taken over the meeting. Give peace a chance. Daniel's paranoid. Shocking.
Fashion Talk shows off the Daniel shove/hug and talks about Wili making Mode wonderful. Daniel's paranoid. Rightly so, but still, it's getting old already. He's got a plan and shoos Betty off to write her silly little article. On the set of daddy's Little Girl, Marc tires to sneak his way in and get some free snacks out of the deal. But Amanda is all, "I'm such a superstar now, and besides my new daddy hates gay people." Followed up by Gene Simmons (who should really go back to putting on the makeup because he's looking horrible these days) saying how much he loves Marc's gayness. "I'm here, I'm queer and I'm eating your pastries." Limelight stolen and Mandy is all pissed.
At Casa de Suarez, Betty confides to Hilda that she got kissed by Gio and she's all guilty or whatever. Hilda is all wise (when did this happen?), but she coughs up a lung because she's caught Ignacio's fever. Justin works his couture Danny Zucco outfit. Fabulous. Betty agrees to go chaperone the dance in her place in order to do some research on what the kids are into these days. Justin helps with her wardrobe, "no velour or lace or paisley."
In front of a crackling fire, Gene sits with Amanda and she's looking at him adoringly like she wants to eat him or kiss him. Either way, ew. As soon as the cameras turn off, Gene runs off to deal with "celebrity stuff," which Marc notices right away. Rock royalty Mandy tells Marc he's nothing and stomps off. Throwing a true diva tantrum. Cue suspicious music.
At the middle school dance, Betty's trying to get quotes, while Justin stalks the coach on Hilda's behalf. And when did he get taller than Betty? Significantly. The interviews don't go well. "What would you say to someone who was like, 60?" "Like you?" A cute girl says she knows Betty, turns out she's Gio's little sister. Gio's of course chaperoning the dance, and cutely claims that Betty is stalking him. "You get your kiss, and now you're blowing me off." He even felt tongue during their liplock. "You Frenched me, Suarez. You Frenched me good." Ha! She gives him the brush-off. Justin answers desperate calls from Hilda and reassures her that she's got no competition for the coach aside from a teacher with a lazy eye.
Then in the stupidest part of the episode, Daniel goes on Larry King Live (because Larry cares about the inner workings of Mode) to diss Wili. This of course gets interrupted by a call from Marc, using a female voice, who throws Daniel off course. I couldn't even watch this a second time. Stupid. Annoying. But par for the course for Daniel tonight.
Gio's grooving on the dance floor, Betty desperately asks him for help on talking to the kids. He goes around the room showing how these kids are just like her friends. Popular guy surrounded by girls? That's little Daniel. Bitchy blonde putting gum in another girls hair? Amanda. Mischievous kid putting graffiti on posters? Gio. Lonely girl sitting on the bleachers with a notebook? Betty. Betty defends how much fun she had in school. She won the good citizen award, but gave it back so it could be in the trophy case so that everyone could enjoy it. Betty goes off to talk to lonely girl while we flash to Wili and Claire going head-to-head. Wili's got a good idea for Hot Flash, and the reign of Slater is getting closer to reality.
At the reality show, Amanda's trying to confide in her "dad." Noticing that she's on the verge of tears, he calls for the cameras. She begs him for an off-camera conversation, then sees that his Tweety Bird tattoo is smudged off. Scandalous!
Back at the gym Betty's chatting up Little Betty. Gio makes a short-distance dedication of Spandau Ballet to Betty, and even gets Justin to dance with LB. He's a good planner, clearly gets her and I'm loving the short hair. Very romantic dancing, he spins her but then a near kiss sends her freaking out. So close, Gio. So close. God, he looks sad. Can I hug him if she doesn't want to? He goes after her. She's sitting on the stairs crying and all befuddled because she thinks she should still be moping over Henry. Gio's all patient, and tells her that it must be exhausting worried about being good all the time. Yeah. Sometimes it's exhausting to watch, too. She says she's really sad. He can work with that. Justin consoles Hilda via phone, then mans up and goes to face the coach to ask him if he likes his mom. Clueless Eddie Cibrian didn't realize that Hilda was throwing herself at him, but kind of looks flattered by the news that she's majorly crushing on him.
Meade family unites! Actually, what's the opposite of that? Daniel and Claire are aghast to find out that Alexis has reinstated Wicked Wili as creative director of Mode. Why? She's got good ideas. What happened to family? Daniel was the moron who went on Larry King. It's his fault.
Gio, who seems to have some lock-picking skills, opens up the trophy case that holds Betty's good-citizen trophy. I learn that all trophies apparently have Mexican accents. Interesting. Of course, the whole trophy case comes crashing down, and Betty gets caught stealing, then starts giggling when she gets called a bad citizen.
Wili and Daniel meet in the tunnel and exchange threats. Marc sits at his desk, when Amanda comes in and grovels. Tells him that Gene isn't her daddy, he was just in need of a gimmick for his reality show. Marc is relieved: "Thank god you aren't related -- in 10 years that massive forehead could be you." They hug and make up. Aw. Also adorable: Coach Tony bringing Hilda soup and not looking disgusted by her Rudolph nose and phlegm issues. He even lies that she looks great, though he wisely defers their date to another time.
Marc says Wili is back and "Wilimeaner than ever." Genius. They both take credit for the Daniel sabotage. Walking home from the dance, Gio and his little sis and Betty and Justin dish how Betty got "expelled." On the front porch, Gio and Betty make gooey eyes at each other and she's doing more smiling than she has in a very long time. She's got a plan for her article, things are looking up, and she wants to take Gio up on his rebound proposition. She even asks him out. He turns her down. Wait, what?!? Then he smiles coyly and says that he doesn't want to be the rebound guy, he wants to be "the" guy. Wow. Could he be more perfect? He leaves Betty speechless. Me too!