Previously on Ugly Betty: Christina had a secret Scottish husband who needed $100,000 for an experimental treatment. Wili discovered this and exploited the situation in a manner that led to Christina being impregnated with the Bradhelmina corpse child. Daniel dated Wili's sister Renee, who turned out to be super crazy when Wili replaced her meds with fat burners. And, finally, Charlie showed up in town all preggo and tried to ruin everything. But Betty and Henry's love endured, at least for the moment.
We enter with Betty and Henry having a romantic dinner, complete with NKOTB soundtrack. They toast to making the most of the time they have left together. And then the door opens. It's Charlie, ruining everything yet again! To which I say, like, have dinner somewhere other than Henry's apartment, suckers. Cut to Betty telling Christina what a monster Charlie is. Christina acknowledges that pregnant women are bitches, but Charlie also has it in for Betty since Betty stole her man. Betty points out that Charlie cheated on Henry, while she merely loved him. Christina's advice for the situation is sound: get a by-the-hour motel during lunch. Free HBO! Betty will skip the motel but is inspired by the idea of meeting Henry at lunchtime. As Christina talks about her impending end-of-the-first-trimester doctor's appointment, Betty confirms some Henry lunch plans via text.
Meanwhile, Wili seems nervous about Christina's whereabouts. Marc assures her that the baby check up will be fine, and on Monday all hell will break loose as the exiled queens of Mode make their triumphant return. Marc has even lined up the press for Wili's big announcement. Wili wants her moment, which she notes will be the biggest comeback since Jesus. Marc correctly calls this blasphemous...and sexy.
At Mode, Claire and Alexis stage a bit of an intervention with Daniel. Turns out ever since he broke up with psycho arsonist Renee he's been a mess -- staying out all night, missing meetings, wearing ill-advised leather blazers. They want him to go to a shrink. Daniel isn't so sure.
Suddenly, it's telenovela time! Ignacio is watching and cooking, and explains to Hilda the meaning of the note he left earlier -- someone named Coach Diaz wants to talk to Hilda about Justin. Hilda asks Justin what the meaning of the whole thing is. Turns out Coach Diaz is going to fail Justin in gym. Every student has to fulfill a P.E. requirement, and Justin is not fulfilling it. Coach Diaz doesn't get him, or else he might throw some gymnastics in there to mix things up. Hilda says she'll go talk to the Coach.
Back at Mode, Betty gets in on the intervention action. She tells Daniel that she's used to going around after him and cleaning up his messes, but ever since he broke up with Renee, there's not a pooper-scooper big enough. She's all for the therapy idea, and certifies that Daniel is insane based on some Google research. If you want things in your life to be different, she says, you must do things differently. Therefore, Daniel should do the opposite of what his instinct says: namely, go to therapy. And Betty has already made him a 2:00 appointment. I guess that's settled, then!
Betty gears up for her lunch date with Henry, but he drops by to deliver bad news. Charlie's yoga partner has cancelled, and apparently she can't spend an hour alone. Betty points out that Charlie is doing this on purpose, and wants to get between them because she hates Betty. Henry knows, but also hoped that the two of them could be friends. Yeah, the girlfriend and the baby mama are always tooootally tight. Ask any number of basketball players. But then Betty gets inspired by her own advice, and decides to do things differently. Something tells me she's going to find out just how ineffective her advice actually is. Cut to Charlie rolling out a yoga mat. Who is there to meet her but Betty -- her yoga partner for the day...and her friend. With that, we get some well-deserved commercials.
When we return, Charlie is pretty skeptical of Betty's newest cockamamie scheme. She says they can't be yoga partners, or friends. Betty reminds her how well they got along when they first came to town -- Betty even bought her a brownie! And she has a brownie now. As Charlie has gestational diabetes it could kill her if she ate it but, er, nice try. Betty tries to chat Charlie up in downward dog, and Charlie hisses at her to go away. Like peanut butter and arsenic, those two.
Meanwhile, it's time for Hilda to meet with Coach Diaz. Wait, let me say that again -- smokin' hot Coach Diaz. The "smokin' hot" aspect is not lost on Hilda. She explains that she wrote notes to excuse Justin from gym class, because he's not an athlete. Coach Diaz is like freaking Posture Pete, and says all Justin needs to do is show up. And, like, put on his tube socks. He is not fazed by Hilda's threats, and says that even she could use a gym class. Maybe he has a chin-up bar installed above his bed? I'm certain he did when he was Cole Deschanel on Sunset Beach.
Back at yoga, Betty continues to kill Charlie with her forced kindness. Their energy is so bad that the yoga instructor kicks them out. On their way out, Charlie angrily says that this weekend she was supposed to be in Tucson having a baby shower with her friends. And then Betty does it. She offers to throw Charlie a baby shower. Tomorrow. I think she needs to re-Google the definition of insanity and scroll down a little further.
Meanwhile, Daniel has a hot therapist. Like, porn hot. He puts the moves on her and she tells him to get out. When he's ready to face up to his emotions and talk about them like an adult, he's allowed to return. Even when she says this, I half-expect her to whip off her glasses and let her hair down "Hot for Teacher" style.
Wili, Marc, and Christina are at the doctor's office, where they learn everything is going great with the baby. Christina can go back to work, and they all can start telling people that they're expecting. "People" being 400 members of the news media to Wili and Marc. The doctor offers a video of the sonogram, but Wili could care less. She and Marc exit, and Christina spies the doctor's file, which says, "Meade/Slater Baby." She asks what it's all about, and the doctor says it must be strange carrying the child of a dead man. Now she knows how the mothers of all of Keith Richards' children feel. And, also, she's pretty shocked.
At Mode, Betty shares the news with Henry that she's throwing Charlie a shower. She's also taken great pains to have Charlie's favorite tamales shipped from a place in Tucson called Escobar's -- she had to buy them a seat on a plane. She is chipper enough about all of this, since it's ultimately for her and Henry.
Soon enough, Daniel is back in therapy, talking about his constant flirting. Turns out it feels good to be wanted, and is a form of approval. Blah blah blah, Renee-cakes. He wanted to find something deeper, but ended up with nothing. Hot therapist thinks this is something they should explore. Cue the porn music, man. This is classic.
Wili and Marc, meanwhile, are furious that Christina is lagging. They head back to the exam room, only to find that Christina is gone. Wili sees the computer from the sonogram, which clearly has the words "Meade" and "Slater" on it, and knows that Christina knows about the corpse child. With her baby vessel missing, we head to commercials.
When we return, Betty continues making shower arrangements. As she wonders aloud if she's crazy, Amanda invites herself to the shower, then tells Betty she'll see what she can do to make it. They had to horn in a little Amanda somewhere in the episode, right?
At Casa de Suarez, Justin complains to Hilda that he got gym detention because of her. He had to, like, arrange all the soccer balls. Hilda wants to go back, but Justin thinks that will make matters worse. She wonders if she should change her approach and makes snipping motions with her hair scissors. Justin thinks the whole thing is getting too Sweeney Todd for his liking. I'd have a slice of Coach Diaz's meat pie any day.
Meanwhile, Wili is leaving a really nice message for Christina, saying she's worried sick. She hangs up and notes that even she didn't believe it. She tells Marc that this is a bad situation -- if Christina and the baby disappear, they'll have nothing. No return to Mode, and no future for either of them. Marc wonders how this can happen with their rock solid plans and tremendous attractiveness. Wili says this might be their curse -- their attractiveness, and their humanity, of course.
Turns out Christina is with Stuart. She's explained the situation, and says it's the worst thing that could happen. Stuart, however, thinks it might be the best thing. They know that Wili was desperate enough to pay all sorts of money for this -- enough for his operation. So maybe she'll pay more. Wili needs what he calls "that thing" inside of her (Christina notes that "that thing" is going to be a baby), and when people need something, they're weak. Christina needs a vodka tonic right about now, I bet.
We return to the psychiatrist's couch. And if Dateline chose to bust out the old black light right now...well, just trust me when I say it would be worse than a La Quinta bedspread. Daniel and Hot Therapist argue over who seduced whom. Hot Therapist calls her shrink. Daniel buttons his pants and begs for help of the psychological kind as Hot Therapist kicks him out with the advice to go find other women and ruin their lives. Well, that was helpful.
Oh, and then -- Coach Diaz is at Hilda's Beautilities for a free cut. He tells her he didn't mean anything when he said she could use a gym class, because she has a great body. Not that he was looking. When Hilda says that she sometimes gets worked up about Justin, Coach Diaz promises her that he would never do anything to embarrass Justin. Hilda is put at ease by this and there are all sorts of flirty glances in the stylist's mirror. And then Hilda chops into his ear with a pair of scissors. Just be lucky you didn't stop in for a manicure, coach. It's hard to dribble a basketball with only three fingers.
Meanwhile, Betty complains on the phone about the baby shower plates that she ordered, which inexplicably have a picture of Father Time on them. She bumps into Claire and spills the contents of her purse. In all fairness, Claire was walking with her purse open at a 90-degree angle, with all its contents near the front. The whole incident reminds Claire of when she dropped Daniel on his head in a bucket of ice when he was a baby. Well, that explains something. Betty confesses the baby shower ordeal to Claire. Claire gives her a giant pinch and tells her to wake up. The relationship she's in has no future, says Claire, and the sooner she realizes that, the sooner she'll get back to living her life. Claire has really become the voice of wisdom since she sobered up and started a magazine for post-menopausal women! Commercials.
When we return, Betty practices breaking up with Henry while she hangs decorations, and Hilda fusses over what to wear to go apologize to Coach Diaz. Betty totally calls Hilda out on her crush, and notes that she might want to find out what his actual name is in service of their future makeout sessions. Hilda acknowledges this is the first time she's felt something since Santos died. Betty swoons over Henry. Guess that practice breakup was all for naught. Oh, and then Henry shows up. He wants to talk. He and Betty have been stressing over the short amount of time they have left together, he says, so there's only one thing left to do. As Betty braces herself, Henry says that they have to stay together forever. And ever, Amen. Henry's cousin just got a new job on TransWest airlines, and is willing to share his friends and family discount. So Henry can come to see Betty every other weekend. And once in a while, Betty can see him. Or they can meet in the middle -- also known as Springfield, Missouri -- also known as Queen City of the Ozarks. And they can call and email and video chat. Betty is excited. Henry tells her that she's the most important thing in his life. You know, until the timer pops and the bun comes out. The bell rings. It's Charlie, there for her shower. She gets pissed when she sees Henry kiss Betty goodbye, and so instantly insults both the size and the smell of Betty's house. Betty kind of wishes Renee was there to set fire to this whole situation.
Christina, meanwhile, wakes up to find Stuart not in their bed. She opens the bedroom door to find Stuart, Wili and Marc waiting in the kitchen. Turns out, Stuart called Wili. Wili acknowledges that she needs the baby, and will pay to ensure that Christina follows through. She asks what Christina wants. Christina says she wants nothing, except maybe to punch Stuart in the throat. She grabs her things and walks out the door. Wili is confident that she'll be back -- after all, she has nowhere else to go.
Back at the baby shower, pregnant ladies mill about. And then Amanda shows up! She instantly heads for the food. Charlie complains about the piñata that Betty bought, and the vegetables that she cut too long ago for Charlie's liking. Amanda wonders why everyone at the party is so fat. As Betty chops more vegetables, Ignacio notes that she doesn't seem to be having much fun. But Betty is determined to pull off the shower, and says that she and Henry have figured out how to make it work long distance. Ignacio isn't so sure about this new plan. Long-distance is no replacement for spending time together, he says, and Henry is having a baby. Once you're a parent, nothing is ever the same. Betty says it will be hard work, but they can do it. Then Daniel shows up, asking to borrow some money. He confesses that he slept with his therapist, and then some other girls, and then he woke up in Queens with his wallet gone. He's not the first, and he won't be the last. Then Christina shows up, needing urgently to talk to Betty. Charlie complains from the living room as Betty hands Daniel off to Ignacio and takes Christina upstairs for a little one-on-one time.
Christina has told Betty the whole situation with Wilhelmina, and berates herself for being so stupid and letting Wili take advantage of her yet again. Betty tells her that it's all Wili -- what she does is use people. It's different this time, says Christina, since there's a baby involved. Betty assures Christina that she's a good person, and this nice moment is interrupted by Charlie yelling upstairs to demand her tamales. Christina simply says, "She is annoying." Betty is as good a sport as she can be, and heads downstairs to introduce Escobar's famous green corn tamales. Charlie takes a bite and spits it out, saying it's not the right tamale. Betty finally snaps, and gives Charlie an earful. She tells Charlie that she and Henry are going to be together after he goes back to Tucson whether she likes it or not. Charlie's response? "My water just broke." Oh yeah, good times. Commercials.
When we return, Betty asks Charlie if she's sure her water broke. Charlie replies that it's that, or she peed her pants. Amanda knows that trick, and adds that her water totally broke when she was drunk on New Year's Eve. But Charlie's having contractions, so it looks like the moment of babymaking truth really is here.
Cut to Hilda, back at the gym. Coach Diaz says he only needed a couple of stitches in his ear. She says that maybe he's right about Justin and gym class, and he agrees to meet her halfway. If Justin helps choreograph the cheerleading routines for the rest of the year, he'll pass. Hilda is sure that Justin, who calls ESPN "the cheerleading channel," will love it. Hilda asks Coach what his first name is -- it's Tony -- and future makeout sessions are all but guaranteed.
Meanwhile, Ignacio and Daniel are taking a little walk. Ignacio explains that he was kind of like Daniel when he was younger, and it wasn't until he felt really good about himself that he met someone special. Turns out the secret ingredient to Ignacio's self-confidence was his innovation of adding molasses to mole sauce. It was special, unique, and delicious. He asks Daniel what makes him feel good about himself. Daniel thinks long and hard and we cut away.
Christina heads back to Wili's place, where she acknowledges that she really doesn't have any other options so has decided to take Wili up on her offer. There is something she wants from Wili, she says, as she pops in the video of the sonogram. She wants Wili to watch the baby's heartbeat, and for once in her monstrous life think about someone else, because this baby is not just some instrument for Wili's wicked game -- it's her child. Christina wants a promise that Wili will love the baby, and give it everything that it needs. Wili stares at the little Bradford spawn, which kind of looks like him in all its creepy baldness.
Charlie, meanwhile, is in some pain. Amanda makes it worse by comparing the work she had done on her nose to labor. Betty hustles out the baby shower guests and hears the taxi waiting outside to take them to the hospital. Charlie says that no, she's going to a birthing center because she wants to do everything au natural. Betty says they can do that as long as Charlie can get out the door. But Charlie is in some crippling pain. And now she wants the drugs. Like Whitney in 2003, receipts and all. Betty calls 911, noting that there's a woman in labor, and she wants the drugs. Commercials.
When we return, Amanda takes off as Betty takes care of Charlie while they wait for the ambulance. Charlie asks Betty to hold her hand, and squeezes it until Betty confesses that she threw Charlie a shower because she thought if they were friendlier Charlie wouldn't be such a dick all the time. Charlie says she's sorry, and adds that it was so hard watching the guy she loved fall for someone else. That's why she cheated with Betty's orthodontist. Charlie says she never thought she'd be having a baby alone, and Betty assures her she's not alone. Just in time, the ambulance shows up.
At Mode, Claire and Alexis meet to look over some photos. Daniel walks in, looking like hell, but ready to work. And it turns out he's handy with Photoshop. And has some ideas about the magazine! Daniel says he's always looking for meaning in his life everywhere but the place where he actually can find it. He loves his job, he says. Claire hugs him, and I guess Daniel is going to keep it in his pants for a while.
And then...Charlie is really dilated and the paramedics don't recommend moving her. She is totally going to have her baby in Betty's living room! And she thought the place smelled funky before. Charlie is also too far along for drugs, so inflicts some pain on Betty by really squeezing her hand. Henry finally shows up, and takes her other hand. Betty starts to go, and both Charlie and Henry want her to stay. But she goes anyway. Maybe she suddenly got the urge to order a sandwich.
At Mode, Claire, Alexis and Daniel toast to work, to Meade Publications, and to family. Just then, they hear a loud noise. Like a heartbeat. They turn and see a big fetus projected on the wall. They wonder what it is, and Wili emerges to say it's a sonogram of her baby...and Bradford's baby. She's having Bradford's child, she says, and her only concern is protecting the baby and giving it everything it deserves. And that would be one-third of the Meade empire. Claire takes a well-deserved shot.
Back at Casa de Suarez, Betty stands in the kitchen with her family as the baby is born. Henry comes in to tell them that it's a boy. He gets congratulations all around, then heads back to Charlie. Betty tears up to the tune of some Gladys Knight. Henry holds his son and kisses him on the head with a big smile. Tears roll down Betty's face as she watches the scene. Ignacio holds her, and we cut away.
week: there is some breaking up and some sandwich guy romance, and the battle for power at Meade commences.
Want more? Check out our favorite soapy Ugly Betty moments.