Chest still covered in Nora's blood, Eric decides it's time to have a nice big hilarious drama with Bill about religion and whatever, gets tossed around the house with telekinesis, and eventually takes off to go find Warlow himself, with the plan to keep Bill from saving his own progeny however he can.
Bill's plan, in turn, is to take Warlow down into Vamp Camp and get everybody enough of his blood so they can meet the sun with impunity. Since this is the opposite of Warlow's plan (making vampires extinct), he needs convincing, and eventually lays down an ultimatum: Sookie becomes his immortal faerie-vampire bride, as discussed, and he'll help save the vampires of Bon Temps.
Sookie spends the episode wandering from storyline to storyline, fucking everybody's shit up in her usual way.
She has some great fights with Bill once she realizes he doesn't actually give even a tiny fuck about her mortality, her happiness or her life, then heads to Merlotte's to interrupt Sam's life with a sudden romantic overture that he must turn down since he has just figured out that Nicole's pregnant due to his shapeshifter smelling power.
Quick stop by her parents' graves to tell them at length and with a monologue of outsize craziness that they can go fuck a duck, and then it's time to die. By the time she teleports Bill into UFO Heaven, though, Eric's already found -- and possibly killed? -- good ol' Ben, thanks to a quick (nonlethal) snack on poor little Adeline.
Oh, also Alcide has left the Pack after Raccoona challenged him, so now he's buds with Sam and maybe the new Terry at Merlotte's if he plays his cards right. That whole fight was pretty cool because of the Girl Power of Raccoona, threesome girl, and this new chick with bangs that are truly outrageous. I hope we never, ever see any of them again.
You know who is worse than Raccoona and even worse than you could ever have imagined? Violet is. I have spent the last week trying to imagine how awful and stupid she was going to be, and she boned me on it at every turn. The reality is so much worse.
Arlene is recovering from the initial shock of Terry's death, but the news about his life insurance policy and its suicidal implications primes her for a big freakout once the Bellefleur ladies try to commandeer his funeral. This part was pretty interesting, and cute most of all because of the pressure it puts on Andy. Still, there's just never enough Portia.
While Sookie's insane review of her entire romantic history and eventual "fuck it" response to living a normal human life is a highlight, you have to give it to Vamp Camp this week. In another demonstration of that sexy compassion that is his only trait, James warns a slavering Steve Newlin not to drink the tainted TruBlood, which Sarah instantly beats out of him, which is how the whole Sun Room thing starts: First James and Steve, and then -- once Violet and Pam get into a vocal fight about whether or not Jason Stackhouse is community property -- everybody else we know.
But outside in the factory proper, that Suzuki lady is on the warpath, and threatens Sarah's chokehold on the corporate narrative and everything, so Sarah is forced to chase her through the entire complex in heels, gamely try to snap her neck, and eventually smash her face in with a stiletto before giving thanks to Jesus for the power to do all of these amazing things she is constantly doing. (A moment of reflection in which she realizes possibly she is going crazier than anyone has ever gone aside.)
All in all, a lot of weird speeches and tonally bizarre moments, but nothing like last week and nothing too off-the-beam for this show. It was nice to see Sookie once again pull herself together into a quiet angry bomb, this time willing to give up her chance at death just to spite her parents -- and save her buds -- but even more satisfying to see her finally come to grips with the truth about her relationships, both with Sam and with Bill. In both conversations there's a moment where the horribleness -- of her, of them, of the situation, of life -- washes over her face and she just gets more and more Fuck It until all that is left is Fuck It.
Week: Daywalking Eric mounts a one-man assault on the factory, Sookie deals with Ben's injuries, and Bill proves once again that he is a negligent mommy at best.
PREVIOUSLY
Eric escaped Vamp Camp with Nora, who eventually failed despite Bill's hard-going efforts of standing around talking about how awesome he is. Back inside, Pam and Willa told Jessica about the Hep V tainting, and Jessica told James about it, and then they did it. Sarah snapped back from her boyfriend's death by taking over the LAVTF in his name. Sam was brought back to Bon Temps for stupid Sam reasons, and got Nicole and her random mother kidnapped by Raccoona, while Arlene slowly worked her way through the fact of Terry's death (but she's still in the dark about the actual Bulworthian facts). Sookie is, I think, still boning Warlow in Heaven.
NORA PUDDLE
Eric and Bill have a big fight that is pretty hard to watch. Not because it's so sad, but because it is awkward beyond belief.
Eric: "Bill, as a loving Goddess, I must ask You. Why do bad things happen to incredibly annoying people, such as my horrible dead sister?"
Bill: "Ah am not God. Ah am only a buttcrack that used to be a man. Try not to turn on to problems that upset you, Mah vampyr brother. We have a war to throw."
Eric: "Gonna need a minute, dick."
Bill: "Ah did all Ah could for her. It is not Mah fault that Sookie is being a bitch about Mah son Warlow."
Eric: "So this is about not pissing Sookie off? You are SUCH a PEEN."
Bill: "A peen Ah may well be, Mr. Northman, but a peen without a Warlow. And soon Ah shall be a Goddess without a people, unless you shift your ass."
New plan: Go get Warlow again, but actually do it this time, and feed him to all the characters on the show, and that way when they burst into flames they ... won't burst into flames? I think. Bill's making less and less sense as time goes on.
Eric: "I've got time to fuck with you, bro. Hey, remember when Sookie staked you to save me? A very historical moment."
Bill: "Experience a moment on the ceiling, Moff Tarkin. Ah have no time for yore nonsense."
Eric: "Making people float around is stupid. You're stupid."
Bill: "How dare you call Me stupid!?"
Eric: "Literally everything. Suck my vampire dick!"
Bill: "Ah know that you are merely grieving and do not mean it."
But then Bill doubles down on Eric's classlessness, talking shit about Godric. First of all, don't fuckin' do that. Second of all, the last time Eric saw Godric (ghost, angel, actual or drug hallucination) Lilith pre-Billith was eating the shit out of him. So it's even tackier, because Bill is like, "Joke around about my girlfriend? Fine, remember the time I murdered the soul of your dad that you were in love with?"
Bill: "Also, you are a pussy and Ah can't believe you fell for Mah bullshit."
Eric: "That is SO RUDE. You know I would never buy into your crap or ask you for favors. I was just very sad due to the bioweapon death of my random sister."
Bill: "Get out of Mah house!"
Eric: "You can't take a picture of me. Know why? I'M ALREADY GONE. Boom!"
WEREWOLF BS
Raccoona has been joined by Threesome Girl and a giant Xena lady with harsh blonde bangs. They are like Charlie's Angels but horrible, and what their deal is, is that dumb Alcide who has been Packmaster for a week -- and has done nothing wrong, note -- should totally stop being Packmaster, just like his stupid dad suggested. Alcide can't back down and Raccoona is, I think, high on the V, so she has to challenge him to a big fight.
They fight. He doesn't kill her, but I guess it makes all the problems go away, and then he takes Nicole and her mom to go hang out with Sam, the only person in Louisiana that could even compete with how sucky he is.
Fuck you, Raccoona. Fuck you, werewolves. Enjoy each other's horrendous gross company.
GEN POP F
Willa, Pam and Tara talk about maybe borrowing Jason from Violet the Prison Boss, because they are so hungry. It is reestablished that he is her prag and that she will not share him and as long as we're talking about her and not to her I am okay, but I have a feel... There it is.
Violet: "You know how bad Nora could be on her bad days? You know Raccoona? I am like the Billith of that. Think of me as the Goddess of Shitty Boring Stuff."
Jason: "I'm just happy you're protecting me at this point. I haven't really thought it through. Let's talk about my backstory and my relationship with Sarah Newlin and whatever."
Violet: "Also I am like Warlow, in that even when we leave this place you are still Mine."
Jason: "From what Sookie's told me, being Somebody's is kind of a raw deal."
Violet: "I was a Catholic eight hundred years ago. It is very interesting."
Jason: "Is it?"
Violet: "FIND ME VERY INTERESTING."
Jason: "Tell me more about your Catholicism."
Violet: "Well, it means that when I make you my sex slave, that is in my crazy head like being married in the Church. Isn't that interesting and intriguing?"
CEMETERY
Sookie, through a ESP: "Ben? I'm magic-ing myself back into UFO Heaven so you better tie yourself up because it's almost nighttime here."
Ben, also the ESP: "See wouldn't this be easier if you let me kill you and then we did that butt thing I told you about?"
Sookie: "Drink some of my blood but don't act weird about it. Listen, I was at Arlene's talking about how her husband got himself shot in the head on purpose, and while I was there Bill came over? In the middle of the day? And I was wondering WTF about that."
Ben: "Oh that's because we had Take Your Son To Work Day and he drained some of my blood for magic things like that."
Sookie: "So your blood really would save all the characters on the show?"
Ben: "Yeah, did you not know that? We really should spend some time just talking and talking and talking and talking and never stop talking here in this graveyard."
Sookie: "Can you see my boobs? Good. Okay, I need a favor."
Ben: "Is it to give you the gift of immortality?"
Sookie: "Not exactly. I need you to come with me and save vampires, like is the opposite of the thing you want."
Ben: "Two conditions. Number one, you explain to me how suddenly a global network of vampires is at stake because one state Governor declared war on the fifty or so vampires in it."
Sookie: "I can't. I don't know how that's supposed to work. Maybe it's because the Authority all did so many drugs they ended up nesting and then eating each other until only Bill was left."
Ben: "Fine. Number two is, butt stuff."
Sookie: "Again with this? Don't you know it's red wine first, and then the butt stuff?"
Ben: "I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over, Sookie. I want to know right now, what will it be?"
Sookie: "I'll be back. I gotta go ruin everybody's life while I think about it."
Outside she monologues to herself about how vampires are always trying to do butt stuff to you for all of eternity. Why can't you just date? They're up all night, it's not like they've got anything better to do. Why not take it slow? They're alive forever, they've got time. But not Dawson Leery over here, nope. He's like one of those thirsty bitches on that prostitution show where they hand out roses: gorgeous and full of empty.
Eric when she is gone rolls his eyes because that speech could have come from literally any episode of any season and he is just about over her shit, and then tries to go into the UFO, but he can't because he isn't a faerie. It is cool, though: On the other side, things get dark and Warlow who is a vampire is like, "Oh no! A vampire!" But I guess since he's tied up that would be pretty scary. Mostly I want to see Eric Northman storm Heaven.
JAMES
Has a nice little post-coital chat with Jessica about how nice sex is and how nice it is having one personality trait of just being super nice, and then they get shipped back to their respective Gen Pops.
On the way, Jessica is joined by Pam, who has fucked the psychiatrist into letting her go to Gen Pop so she can warn certain people but not all the people, and Jessica is both impressed and grossed out by Pam's ability to fuck any person for any reason.
MERLOTTE'S
Alcide drops off dumb Nicole and her mom, and Sam offers him a beer. Neither of them can even remember what they were mad about, but for once that's not because they are morons: It's because there was no reason for them to be mad at each other, at any point.
GEN POPS
Steve Newlin is almost bullied out of his bottle of TruDeath by a mean man, but the guards make sure everybody gets some so they will all die. Lonely and also taking note of how James is amazing looking, Steve sits with him and because James is -- I don't know if you know this -- super nice, tells him not to drink the TruDeath. The more Steve won't shut up, you know how he gets, the less great James feels about saving his life.
MERLOTTE'S
Mom: "I don't even know what all this bullshit is about, but I do know I have tried to exit this storyline about a hundred times and you people keep not letting me."
Sam: "Just sleep on my bed and I will try not to fuck your daughter while that's happening."
Mom: "Thank you for this muumuu nightgown you let me borrow."
Sam: "It was my brother's."
He takes Nicole outside and they have the same boring fucking conversation as always -- "But how are you really holding up?" -- and then he hugs her and then he smells her. For a second they let you hope it's because she is now a werewolf, but of course not because that would rule. Which would violate the first directive of this show, which is that absolutely nothing having to do with werewolves or Sam Merlotte can ever rule. Maryann and Tommy are both gone. Which if you think about it, Sam had a pretty good run. But once those two sad bitches checked out, uh-uh. Now all he is, is to look at.
SOOKIE
Gets all gussied up again, but is like the opposite of a bomb this time. She remembers the time that Ben's face came out of the wall and growled all ridiculous at her like the Chamber of Secrets, but to me now this bathroom will only be about one thing: boys just shavin' boys. Shaving the shit out of each other, until they are quite exhausted.
Jason's voice mail was all about, remember, he was realizing he was a racist and that he was going to go join the LAVTF and he completely forgot everything about Ben or Niall dying, but there is a motel in town that will make him sad even just driving by, and he'll never know why.
Sookie's finally listening to voice mails, now that she's returning because she's nervous and also because for the first time ever she is actually thinking about something instead of just doing whatever the fuck pops into her head. She wonders what Jason is even talking about, for a second, and then goes back to putting on makeup. She's wearing all black, looks amazing. But it could still be for a wedding, considering who we're talking about.
MERLOTTE'S
Alcide's helping himself to Sam's liquor when he comes back out to talk, and they mainly talk about how is Terry -- still dead -- and how is Nicole -- still pregnant -- which they know because they have smelling powers. I get that it's a sci-fi thing and on that level it's actually pretty cool, like those minute changes in hormones and everything, but what is cool on paper is super fucking weird and creepy and gross when it's Alcide and Sam talking about it behind her back.
GEN POP F
Lil' Sis Willa eventually cajoles Pam into chatting up Violet -- who is in her morgue-style "bunk," which I never noticed is where they sleep, that's fucking great -- and it's adorable.
Willa: "Do you think Violet would um..."
Pam: "Yes, Willa. From everything we know about her, she really seems like the sharing type, Willa."
Jessica: "Lil' Willa's hungry! And also, that's our Jason in there. You always liked him."
Pam: "Fuckin' fine. Stop accusing me of feeling things. Violet?"
Violet, inside: "What."
Pam: "Can I talk to you for a..."
Violet, inside.: "No."
Pam: "Welp. I tried, bitches."
IN THERE
Violet: "You're going to be like, Please let me fuck you! And I'm going to be all, No! And you're going to be like, Please fuck me! And I'm going to be like, Okay. But then I'm still going to be like, No! It is very sensual."
She is actually pretty amazing in this scene, especially at the end when you see her take all the things into consideration and the fact that she is kind of an asshole for even coming here today, and then nods to herself like, "Forget I was here, bro" and twirls out. The Princess of you figuring out your shit isn't in this castle either.
FUNERAL HOME
Portia barely gets to talk, but at least she's here. It comes down to a class warfare situation between the old-money Bellefleurs, whom Terry always resented for their cultural capital, and the white-trash Fowler-Bellefleurs, represented by Arlene, with Andy in the middle because he is both. He's Terry's biggest fan and a simple man, but also grew up at the Bellefleur teat, so he is the only one that speaks both languages.
The objective correlative for all this is mostly flowers -- calla lilies versus fucking carnations -- but mainly, and this is Arlene's deal breaker, it's the family tradition of a 21-gun salute at the funerals of Bellefleur men. Plus, you know, he was a soldier. On the con side, of course, Terry got shot in the fuckin' head. Eventually Arlene's mind is so blown by their not-getting-it that she bounces outside with Holly, and eventually (after an amazing double-stare from Portia and Grandma) Andy follows.
Arlene breaks down as usual in the most public possible way, screaming outside the funeral home about all of this stuff and also the money and also she knows who killed Terry: Maybe it's better to find this man who performed this loving service to a friend and deserves to hang for it than to hang onto the money Terry's dying wish was for her to have. They talk her down, and there's a wonderful group hug, with only her Emmy-nominated left-arm flapping in front of the camera as she sobs, very wonderfully, "I want carnations! They're happy, and I want 'em! And I want Reverend Daniels from the black church! Terry really liked him!"
There is so very, very much to love about that -- of course, it's her best color -- but also, that means Lettie Mae Reynolds Thornton Daniels would come! Offer selfish drunk wisdom, show her ass, wear a crazy Easter hat! Slap her dumb lesbian vampire daughter across her dumb lesbian vampire face and then bitch at Pam about something! Come on! Let's do this! It's what Terry would want!
HERE LIE CORBETT & MICHELLE STACKHOUSE
FORMER VAMPIRE FAERIE SLAYERS
HUGE LOSERS - INFANTICIDERS - RACIST GHOSTS
"THEY FUCKED HER UP. A LOT."
"Well, this is rich. I used to come to this place for solace. I used to come here looking for, I don't know. Love. My memories of you were kissing me good night, and baking cakes, and lullabies. There was some bad stuff too, but it was mostly good. And now those memories are gone. They've been replaced with pain and murder. And fuckin' darkness. So, here we're all gonna lie, all of us Stackhouses. Dead but not gone.
"...Because death ain't the end anymore. We all know that now. Death is just a fucking pit stop on a road that keeps on going with no end in sight. So fuck you, Mom and Dad. Screw your kisses, and your hugs, and your Attagirls. I'm gonna become the very thing that you hated so much you were willing to kill me over it. Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend eternity lying by your fucking sides. I'd rather walk the earth as a corpse than spend another minute thinking about you."
Attagirl. I don't know what to add to that. What an awesome way to come to that decision. Kissing history goodbye.
You wonder what Sookie would have been like, without her mom right there underlining every single "village idiot," every "town retard," where her daughter could hear it. Now I know she didn't say it out loud, but isn't that the point? She shouldn't have felt it in the first place.
Sookie walks out of there a good deal taller than she walked in.
Goodbye to Sam, and to humanity. Goodbye to Bill, and to first loves. Goodbye to Michelle, and all the fear of yourself mothers are taught to hand down to their daughters. Goodbye to Corbett, who got her into this mess and couldn't figure a way out in time. Goodbye to pain, and murder, and fuckin' darkness, and death, and regret, and other people's guilt.
Hello to walking in Godric's footsteps, into an eternal Sun.
And hell, improving on them: He was the last hope for peace, and there is no hope for peace, so he died. But what Sookie knows, and Godric didn't figure out -- after 2000 years, couldn't hope or believe strongly enough to see -- is that peace is death. There is no hope for peace because there is no hope in peace: Do you want to be buried?
time you hear the word optimism, or optimistic, pretend for just one second that it's not a euphemism for retarded. Pretend it means to optimize. Pretend it means moving through the world improving things as you find them. Little tweaks, little plus-signs, little easements. Anything that can be better, should be better. Anyone whose path you can smooth, anyone you can show compassion instead of teaching them a lesson: Just do it. We think there's this mystic zero-sum balance of shittiness, evil is necessary, heroes need villains: That's a lie. That's the worst lie you were ever sold. We walk in these painful shoes that don't fit right, and we think well, that's just the price of being alive -- but the world is so much better than that. Buy shoes that fit better; stop pretending that suffering was ever necessary.
Because there is no peace in hope, if you're doing it right. If you feel peaceful, you're not hoping hard enough.
TRUDEATH FACTORY
Suzuki: "I need to talk to Burrell."
Sarah: "Well, that for sure is not happening. You can talk to me. Me and Jesus took the wheel."
Suzuki: "Lady, from here I can see you got the crazy eyes. I am not doing that. I am here on regular businesswoman business. I need to see if you are poisoning my product."
(She is.)
Suzuki: "You dumb bitch, I gotta report this to the FDA. There goes my bonus."
Sarah: "Well, isn't this a mess."
Hot on the trail of Sarah's bullshit, Suzuki ducks past her into the concentration camp area of the compound, and things become awesome. It seems a lot of people had a lot to say about this scene but I don't know one way or the other. It was fun to watch. I am no fan of "camp" so I didn't really get it on that level, but I also wasn't outraged by the violence that takes place on this show about a race of immortal serial killers either, so I don't really have a dog in the fight. It's just awesome, generally, and I haven't got a thought to share other than that.
Sarah tries to snap Suzuki's neck like in the movies, and it doesn't work. She chases her through the halls, past boy-vamps doing each other (awesome) and all the many experiments of the fearful-past-derangement and the whole time, smiling at people as she passes by them. Both hustling on the their heels, women in the literal halls of literal power, trying to be pretty as they chase each other to the death.
Eventually, in the grate that overlooks GEN POP (M), Suzuki's heel catches and she goes down, ankle twisting horrifically. She bonks her head, and then Sarah is on her, pressing her face into the grate so the vamps climb up, World War Z style, to get at it. And then she takes that heel and she just starts pounding, like a hammer on a nail.
Now, if you were looking at this as women beating each other, or somebody beating a woman up, and that's the sum total, fine. That's a stretch but I've thought it before, about other things. Alcide beating the shit out of Raccoona was grandfathered in only by the fact that she is the literal worst. But after how many seasons of "Sarah Newlin = The Impossibility of Leaning In" recaps, do I need to go there?
A businesswoman and a self-effacing megalomaniac, using political oppression and evangelistic zealotry to turn a profit. Sarah, who hates women even more than she hates men; Suzuki, who only just now looked beneath her profit margin to see the suffering and horror that supports the bottom line. Sarah beats her to a pulp, almost silently, with a high heel. Her blood feeds the masses -- solely of men, as men look on delightedly. Sarah thanks Jesus, at the top of her lungs. The end. Come on.
Which speaking of, Andy finds ABCD wandering around bleeding, and takes her home, just as Bill and Sookie are letting themselves into the UFO to find a very eaten Ben still tied to his gravestone, admitting that Eric has gotten the best of him. Bummer that we didn't get to see that, I really fixated for some reason on seeing Eric get in there. Ever since they turned him into Sex Baby he's seemed really under-served: The Willa thing was amazing, but then it was followed by the Nora Flashback and tonight's bullshitty opener with Bill. Two steps back.
"If you don't mind me asking, what made you change your mind?," Bill asked before she took his hands, in the graveyard between their homes. "I guess destiny's too much of a bitch to keep fighting," she said. And then they were lit by a light brighter than the sun. And then they were gone.
WEEK
Penultimate episode of the best season ever! Very exciting. Besides the funeral, which is a guaranteed shit show but also probably pretty sad, it looks like Sookie and Bill find time to fight over yet another of His kids before setting off to stop Eric from killing everybody on Earth with his Ben-sucking magic powers. Jason gets the upper hand on Sarah, and maybe shoots her in the head which looks intense, and presumably we end where we began: In the Sunroom, just as the ceiling's sliding open.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.