The Color Boner

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 06-03-2013 · S06E03

Eric brings Willa Burrell to Fangtasia!, where after more fighting they decide to go to ground at Ginger's. After a sexy, creepy interlude with the Governor's daughter (like her mother, a secret fangbanger), he tries to set up a hostage deal, but the SWAT team is able to locate them and in the fray, Tara runs off with the girl.

Testing the limits of his godhood, Bill tries to meet the Sun, and it goes very poorly. It's funny to see Bill tripping over himself like in the good old days, but it gives Jessica a right scare. When they wake up that night, he sends her to kidnap an Organic Chemistry prof that was instrumental in synthesizing TruBlood, because he has a great idea: Make a faerie version, which will give not only him but all vampire kind ultimate immortality. Sookie turns him down as a donor, but right on time he learns about Andy's daughters, and makes a very creepy child-snatcher face.

Still waiting for Warlow to attack, Jason's million head traumas (or something worse) keep him in bed for the day -- even after Bill knocks him around a bit -- but it's only after Niall discovers that the entire Fae outpost was massacred by Warlow, and then brings Ben home, that things start to move. It's not Warlow that turns up that night, just as Jason's finally hitting the floor with something serious: It's Nora, hunting for Warlow on her own after discovering that secret in the Bible about him. (She doesn't explain it, but it has to do with Lilith/Warlow being the Harry Potter/Voldemort of vampires, I think.)

As we'd hoped, the Vampire Death Camp is partly under the supervision of Sarah Newlin, who has clawed her way back up out of the scandal of her gay fanger husband through book deals and eventually politics. We don't see much of them, but it's nice to see them fighting again.

The VUS -- and wow, Nicole is actually the least horrible one! -- tosses themselves well-meaningly into the middle of Alcide's Pack, which predictably enough gets them all killed like they deserve. Sam takes advantage of the chaos to kidnap Emma back, and ends up grabbing dumb Nicole too. Perhaps this entire season they will just keep kidnapping that poor kid back and forth and we won't actually have to worry about weres or shifters at all. Oh, except for Lafayette declares his allegiance to Sam for being such a nice straight white man to him all these years, because the show does not know what to do with Lala at all anymore besides use him to give cookies to people for doing shit they should be doing anyway.

So that's the state of things: Nora may be joining Team Niall, Jessica and Bill are going to kidnap the Bellefleur Pre-Teen Sensations, Jason is having a brain situation, Lafayette has declared war on werewolves because Sam doing it just wasn't stupid enough, and Sarah Newlin is right where she should be: In fucking charge.

PREVIOUSLY

Warlow finally got here, just as Jason was meeting Grandfather Niall and Sookie was meeting Halfling Ben and learning that she is a nuclear bomb in the form of a person. Sam met the annoying dreamboat Nicole, and lost the child he kidnapped to her rightful family, including Alcide. Eric 0almost went to Vampire Death Camp, but ended up glamouring the Governor's daughter instead. Oh, and Bill is God and can see the future, but for now it's only shitty futures, i.e., ones where the whole cast meets the sun in some ill-advised concentration camp scenario.

WILLA BURRELL

Eric: "Your dad loves you, right?"
Glamoured Willa: "Yeaaaaah, because he's my daaaad."
Eric: "What if I eat you starting with your bottom, in a rapey fashion?"
Glamoured Willa: "That seems like a weird way to goooooo with it."
Eric: "Okay, let's get rapey then. As long as you understand this has nothing to do with you, and I'm just being a dick, I will commence eating your vagina. Not the fun way."
Willa: "Hold up. What if I just tell you what is actually going on instead and then you won't have to eat my vagina in any way at all?"

The SWAT team arrives then, once again coming up short: He has flown away with poor Willa and her poor vagina. What is with this show? Why always the genitalia? Last week that hooker Veronica was like, "You can bite my neck for some amount of dollars, but if you are really gross I will let you bite my vagina." Stop biting vaginas! They are great! Wendy Davis would be so unimpressed.

CASTLE COMPTON

Jessica: "So when you said 'they're all gonna burn,' did you mean...?"
Bill: "Vampires but that's all I know! Hold on while I yell about it!"
Jessica: "It seems like Lilith is treating you pretty bad, for a messiah. Expecting you to save the whole world and everything."
Bill: "Shut up! You were one of them, this is important. [Naming vampires for a while.] I am going to do this mainly for you, so you don't die!"
Jessica: "That's reasonable I think."

STACKHOUSE

Jason has a headache from constant adrenaline and waiting for Warlow to come kill all of them. Upstairs, Sookie is practicing being a bomb; downstairs, Jason finds some of Lala's drugs from when he was living there.

Niall: "Okay Warlow is here."
Jason: "Finally!"

By Jacob Clifton

Niall zooms out into the dimensions or something, causing Jason to get a sudden headache and fall on his face. It's mysterious. He keeps fairy-blinking around all over the place because he can magically teleport, and they eventually get Jay back in the house.

Jason: "Did we get 'im?"
Sookie: "No, honey. Lay down, you look weird."
Jason: "Did Grandpa get 'im?"
Sookie: "No, honey. The King of All Faerie didn't get 'im either."
Niall: "I don't like your tone, missy."
Sookie: "Then stop acting condescending to my brother, dick. We have special needs, but they don't define us and frankly, he's the one that likes you."
Niall: "But fae are always arrogant! Read a book for heaven's sake."

Niall: "Has anybody ever noticed that you are very tiny, and yet you seem totally cool with walking directly into danger? Like you are some kind of a superman?"
Sookie: "Everybody always does, and they get the same horns you're about to get now. The thing is, I am always scared because somebody is always trying to kill me. So I either climb in a box like Bill always wanted, or I let some big ol' man protect me like Eric and Alcide want, or I take the third option, which is marching my ass into danger whenever I can and hoping it'll work out. Over five seasons my theory has proven out. Freaking out is just bullshit now."
Niall: "I realize that you live in constant PTSD so that you will still have somewhere left to go when things do get more than usually bad, but what you're not hearing is that Warlow is the more than usually bad thing for which you have been saving your freakout energy."
Sookie: "I hear you and I respect that. But I am still going to act up."

Sookie: "Okay how about this, percentage wise I feel like even calling myself a faerie is like when people claim that their great-great-grandmother was a Native American and therefore Thanksgiving is something they get to throw a huge attention-hungry fit about."
Niall: "Normally that is what you would be, but you're of my line. You're a fairy princess. That makes it different."
Sookie: "Message received. I just wanted you to say that again."

FANGTASIA!

Pam: "Did you seriously kidnap the Governor's daughter?"
Tara: "How come I'm the one with the reputation for impulsive behavior?"
Eric: "I have a plan but I can't tell you what it is because I don't have one."
Tara: "Can we not just glamour her and drop her off at a fire station?"
Pam: "You are such a human lover. We obviously need to eat her entire vagina."
Eric: "Let's get all our shit and abandon Fangtasia! until I have a plan."

Eric: "I have a plan but I can't tell you what it is because I don't have one."
Tara: "Can we not just glamour her and drop her off at a fire station?"
Pam: "You are such a human lover. We obviously need to eat her entire vagina."
Eric: "Let's get all our shit and abandon Fangtasia! until I have a plan."

Sassy Lesbians: (Gang up on him.)
Eric: (Is not having it.)
Sassy Lesbians: (Immediately give in, because even if he's not Pam's Maker he's still her dad and Pam is Tara's dad and Tara is nobody's dad so therefore, grab your panties because we are leaving.)

Willa: "You don't actually have to glamour me. I am rebellious. Also, I legitimately don't like the fact that my father and the US are experimenting on vampire citizens, misusing highway bond measures to build a death camp. Which I don't know where it is."

CAMP IRE

Unsurprisingly, the character we follow into Mengele's office is sweet little old Steve Newlin. Unsurprisingly also, Steve Newlin thinks the AVL is still a thing or that vampires can fight back or that he will be saved.

FANGTASIA!

Eric: "Pam, stop crying about our whole life being destroyed."
Pam: "You are also going to miss Fangtasia! I know it."
Eric: "Can't worry about that right now. Come, Willa."
Pam: "You can even do what Tara said and not eat her from the vagina up, but please do not bring her with us. This is already a horrible day and we already have to take Nora everywhere."
Willa: "Duct tape my face. This is just like my old vampire fan fiction!"

MERLOTTE'S

Sam: "How did we get back in my house?"
Nicole: "We dragged you both inside your house after the werewolves left. This is my dorky white boyfriend."
DWB: "Please tell me facts about werewolves for inside my brain information I cofounded the VUS and consider myself one of you which means knowing everything."
Lala: "Hey, Harvard?"
DWB: "I went to Penn."
Lala: "First of all, fuck you. Second of all, forget you were within a mile of any of this shit. You managed to walk into the one plotline that is more dangerous and trashy than vampires."
DWB: "Are you threatening me?"
Lala: "I will bust your face open for your own good, but no. That was a good-faith warning."

By Jacob Clifton

Nicole: "Sorry I was so racist earlier. I am ignorant and kind of mortifying."
Sam: "Thanks for saying that but please leave now so I can fuck everybody's life up."
DWB: "Come on Nic to our meeting about what other people should be doing with their lives okay."
Lala: "That girl is way too hot for you to be dealing with. She's right that everybody needs help. Now, you listen to me when I say that I love you because you gave me a job when Bon Temps didn't want me and you have always treated me with respect. I am in your storyline for good, boyfriend."

GINGER

Ginger: "Well, well, well. What do my crazy fucking eyeballs see but my old boss pretending to be here to fuck me. I can barely keep it together so I guess come in."

There's a funny sequence -- by the way, Ginger hangs out at home in some hilarious clothes like a wastelands strider, all panties and ripped-up shortie housecoat and rollers in her crazy-person hair, she looks like Tan Mom -- in which Ginger must invite Eric into the house, then Pam, then Tara appears, and finally she's just like, "This does not end with Eric Northman fucking me, I think. Even I, the blind squirrel called Ginger, can locate a factual nut every now and then."

Eric: "I promise to have sex with you, but not today. I'm sleeping with Willa in the coffin tonight, Tara and Pam can have the cubby."
Sassy Lesbians: (Complain for a second until he points out that it's the only way to keep Pam from murdering Willa while he's asleep, which they all realize is fair.)

CASTLE COMPTON

Jessica: "Bill, the sun's coming up. Get your ass inside, please."
Bill: "Hang on while I crazy-talk like I'm in a cult. Stop trying to drag me out of the sun! I walk through fire and I get staked and everything is fine! Let me be an immortal prophet!"

Jessica makes more of this than she really needs to. Let him blow up on fire, and then drag his dumb ass off to bed. Stop screaming about it. Even for Jessica, it's kind of a leap that she would act this insane.

Bill, not so much. He does it in the most Bill Compton possible way, with his arms spread wide, and she watches through the necro glass, and then of course he catches on fire and stumbles screaming toward the door, and it's just ... so embarrassing and just so Bill Compton.

By Jacob Clifton

They cry, Bill because he's still very confused about what is going on and partly because the sun just hurt his feelings, and Jessica because of all the things for Bill to hang onto in his incarnation, "acting all Bill" was the one thing he didn't need to bring along.

HOTWINGS

Niall teleports into the faerie club, where clearly Warlow has murdered just everybody, and he cries for a little while because of all that loss of faerie life while faerie-CSIing the various puddles of blood everywhere. One of the blood puddles does something weird that never gets explained but sure seems to matter. Claude's close to dead and the only person you can see. I think it's Claude. It's some hot faerie guy.

Maybe-Claude: "It was terrible! Please don't leave me to die."
Niall: "Or instead I will just suck out all your faerie light and kill you, that qualifies as 'the ultimate kindness' for reasons we maybe will learn later."

STACKHOUSE

Sookie: "Please don't shoot me, I'm just bringing you pain meds."
Jason: "How come Niall's not around? You can't hunt vampires in the daytime!"
Sookie: "Let's take you to the hospital, okay?"
Jason: "I have had more concussions than you can count, this is fine."
Sookie: "But I mean it's been three episodes."
Jason: "No, I'm way better off than last season already. I'm barely hallucinating."
Sookie: "Hang on, what?"
Jason: "Remember when we were getting ready for the Authority Compound and I was acting all insane? Even more racist than usual?"
Sookie: "I had a lot going on, but yeah."
Jason: "Our parents were saying really mean shit about vampires to me at that time."

In lieu of medical attention, Jason makes her squeeze that pressure point on your hand for headaches, because apparently he's all about alternative medicine. Have we talked recently about how Jason Stackhouse is the best? Because get this:

Jason: "I don't love the idea of projecting my racism -- after five years of bouncing back and forth more and more erratically -- onto our poor parents. I feel like I should not have it, but if it's bubbling up from my crazy I'd at least like to own it."
Sookie: "We tend to remember the best of people, right?"
Jason: "So wait, they were racists? How is this comforting?"
Sookie: "You're asking the girl whose mother was terrified of her until the day she died."
Jason: "How do you know and why didn't you tell me this?"
Sookie: "First of all because I'm psychic, and question number two, loving our parents is the basis of everything wonderful about you."

Then they have a talk about which of them is smarter. Lol.

BTPD

With the Bellefleur Pre-Teen Sensations being all adorable and Kidz Bop in the background, Kevin's still gayin' it up in his retard way as Andy shows him all their new anti-vampire materiel from the state gov: The contact lenses, the guns, etc. Holly shows up to say a very interesting thing I hadn't thought of, with that face on her face that says she's going to start her speech with "Andy Bellefleur!" and then she does.

Holly: "Andy Bellefleur! I am here to yell at you! Vampires bother us at our motel where I live with my adorable sons. I realize they are just hungry, but there are limits to my compassion as a Wiccan and as a person. Your right to consume nutrition ends where my skin starts, man."
Andy: "Alexandra, Kimberly, Veronica and Mavis, say hello to Miss Holly."
Holly: "Are you there, Goddess? It's me, confused. Where'd those little girls come from?"
Andy: "It's an anomaly, but my dick, via a pneumatic fairy vagina. I just call them numbers, instead of the super sensational names Jacob keeps coming up with. Now, let's go on a date with my new anti-vampire weapons. It's going to be awesome."

WOLFPACK!

Raccoona or whatever her name is comes running to tell everybody that the cops are coming to Martha's house. The cops are like, "Where is Emma?"

Alcide: "You can't talk to Martha and we don't know anything about no wolf baby."
Cops: "Can we be cops for a second?"

Martha: "Now this story is even stupider because they don't even know where Sam is because he's in hiding for literally no reason I can think of, so then they came here. Maybe because Luna barfed up her magic guts on TV? I got nothing."
Raccoona: "Martha the cops won't stop asking to talk to you. Make Emma turn into a puppy or so help me I will do it myself."
Martha: "You are all jacked up like you're on the V. Why is everybody being so gross and weird and aggro?"
Raccoona: "Because look up werewolves in the dictionary, it's all we do."

Martha is so wonderful. I wish this was all-Martha, zero-Raccoona. Raccoona immediately starts abusing Emma the second she's gone, for reasons that who knows what they are. Outside, Martha pretends to have emphysema and lies about how Marcus is dead and Emma is inside the house, but because of President Obama and Governor Burrell and privacy, they are allowed to search the house anyways. All they find is a puppy with emotional scars to last a lifetime.

By Jacob Clifton

Raccoona: "See? You should not have kidnapped this child from the man who kidnapped her? You are going to bring the Pack down! They are going to treat us like they are doing the vampires! You are a stupid bitch! Both ways of that word."
Alcide: "Martha is wonderful and you need to pull your shit together."
Martha: "Bow to him literally on your knees, because he is Packmaster and because sometimes acting gross is okay if it's Raccoona, who is the worst."
Alcide: "I guess being the boss of everybody is okay sometimes, like when a woman hurts your feelings by not obeying your words to the letter."

On one of the rooftops of this little shantytown there is an owl. The camera is very interested in it, even though it's just an owl. Hmm. Or is it.

SHOOTIN' RANGE

While the Pre-Teen Sensations zap frogs with their faerie powers, Andy teaches Holly to shoot so she can protect herself. He swears that it's because he's treating her like a deputy, just like even the boy ones, and the girls keep hand-zapping everything, and it's adorable.

Holly: "Nice shot, me! Are we the OTP?"
Veronica: "Wanna know what she's thinking, Daddy?"
Holly: "Outta my head, #3!"
Veronica: "...Sorry, Miss Holly."

I love everything that is happening. This is great. Of course Holly would be like, "Oh your sudden magic daughters have magic powers? No big."

But even better when he explains where we are: Fort Bellefleur. Aww. It's a lot easier to appreciate the Smoke Monster story from where we are now, and all the Bellefleur Boys storyline that went into making it almost bearable. I'd entirely forgotten Fort Bellefleur.

Andy: "We don't have to get naked together, necessarily. But I want to be your safe place. Your Fort Bellefleur. Not today, but someday. Just don't say no."
Holly: "Fine, just keep teaching me to shoot."

By Jacob Clifton

GINGER'S COFFIN

Okay so this part was awesome. Willa takes the duct tape off her mouth, lying to Eric Northman, and she goes, "Mister? Mister? Mister?" It's very brave because you can already tell she is very horny but also still pretty abducted.

Eric: "I am a vampire? I am dead until dark? At least in this episode?"
Willa: "Me, I'm bored. I thought maybe you'd like a little chat."
Eric: "No thanks! Put the duct tape back over your mouth in case you feel chatty, though."
Willa: "My dad's racism is just the first thing you notice. He also -- remember that story last term that he had an affair and that's why my mom left? That story is on opposite day. In fact my mom is a total fangbanger and her boyfriend has a Fangtasia! in Hollywood..."
Eric, verbatim: "There is only one Fangtasia!, Willa."
Willa: "Right sure but listen, she tried to get custody so I could go with, and my dad had the Lieutenant Governor screw that up. I just found out all of..."
Eric: "Is this your way of showing you're not racist? Or 'not racist' like your fetishizing mom is."
Willa: "The latter tbh."

She notices -- in the middle of a short speech about how maybe she will be dead soon -- that Eric has the Bleeds, another thing this show just remembered might happen. Both for obvious reasons, and for the reason that she is about to die, she sticks up a finger and nabs some of the Bleeds blood coming out his eyehole. He does not let her suck it, because then they would have several additional problems, but in this incredible way where he looks in her eyes while he sucks her own blood off her finger, and then right before she has fifty shades of a orgasm, he goes, "Now put your tape back on."

There he is, there's our guy. It is already sexier and more fucked up than anything that ever happened with Sookie (besides maybe the bullet). Think about that for a moment. I am not even into dumb kinky things, and that was phenomenal. Where ya been, Eric? You gotta holler at your boy every now and then, you know what I mean?

THIBODEAUX FIELD

Niall: "Hey, hottie. You a fairy?"
Ben: "How much cash you... Oh, you mean for real. Yeah. Do you know where, ahem, 'Hot Wings' is? I need to rest. It is from being eaten by a vampire."
Niall: "Have you seriously been looking for it since last episode? Damn. Anyway, 'Hot Wings' is gone. It was eaten also by a vampire."
Ben: "That sucks. I am super tired and need to recharge my fairyness."
Niall: "I have been looking for this dude forever. I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. My parents are gone and now all the faeries are gone, just like tears in rain."
Ben, kneeling: "Holy shit, are you Niall Brigand? Is this Warlow we're talking about?"
Niall: "Don't kneel to me, boy. If anybody is going to act pretentious, it's going to be me, the King of All Faeries. Of which now there's just one, me, and four actual half-ones, and then you and whatever Sookie is."

Ben, kneeling: "Holy shit, are you Niall Brigand? Is this Warlow we're talking about?"
Niall: "Don't kneel to me, boy. If anybody is going to act pretentious, it's going to be me, the King of All Faeries. Of which now there's just one, me, and four actual half-ones, and then you and whatever Sookie is."

Niall: "Ben Flynn -- can I call you anything but that stupid name? -- one of my sons accidentally sold Warlow my granddaughter Sookie."
Ben: "Sookie Stackhouse? This is crazy!"
Niall: "Do you want to repay her sponge-bath kindness by forming an army of two with me to defeat him? I was going to use Jason, but clearly he is not up to it right now."
Ben: "Wait, so I get to be the fairy prince and your second in command and Sookie's boyfriend? Those are three things that would reliably cause Jason Stackhouse to shit his britches. Let's do this, let's make him feel completely superfluous so he does something absolutely moronic. Which then usually saves the day."

Oh my God I miss Kitch Maynard so much it hurts my insides. My insides where my heart goes.

CASTLE COMPTON

Bill: "Good morning, nighttime! I am about to be in you!"
Jessica: "Bill, let me come with you doing things. Even though there is a curfew, I did yell at Sookie for staking you, remember? Even though you were being absolutely terrifying and awful?"
Bill: "All right, fine. Go find this professor at North Louisiana, Hido Takahashi. He invented TruBlood one time, maybe he can do it again."
Jessica: "I love college! Even though I can never go to it."
Bill: "And Jessica? Dress like jailbait, he's into barely legal poon."
Jessica: "You got it, Daddy!"

Somehow -- how? -- this is not skeevy, but adorable. Maybe it's the pragmatism of them being on the same page about how humans are stupid, and how the whole thing is just pretend so he's not really pimping out his daughter so much as saving the world, but I really did not get a weird feeling. It was like a phantom limb of being grossed out, or you reach for your gun and it's just a banana. Maybe it is because Bill Compton has somehow become a huge part of my life. I am still not ready to think about that, though.

TAKAHASHI

...Oh my God and she goes for it, fifty shades of yes, grey, wool, stockings and short skirt, red bra peeking out. I often wonder what it is like to be Deborah Ann Woll. She seems like a person who came late to an understanding of her hotness, and is now enjoying herself immensely. ("Do you want to be a major character on this hit TV show? Mostly we will play dress-up with you.") That's Jessica too, of course, but I do just think that when we are given the opportunity to safely revel in our appeal as objects without having to pay any consequences -- to put gas in the tank of self-esteem, for free -- it's kind of your duty to follow up.

It's like, everybody knows when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it, that pisses God off. But I think in certain circumstances, boners are the same way.

CAMP ANNA CAMP (!!!)

Even Steve is excited to see Sarah Newlin! Downside, she is dressed like the Queen of Mars: Higher the hair/closer to God, but with a disturbingly fashion-forward little red dress with crazy sleeves and more (silver, note) bling than you can shake a Coco Chanel at. Of course, she is not having his BS at all; of course, he cannot read the writing on the wall that she is clearly well-placed here in Anna Camp Camp.

Steve: "No way! You're here to save me, that's amazing!"
Sarah: "Bitch, no. Come on."

They run through their history since we last saw them, and it's pretty great: When he split to be a gay vampire, he destroyed the Fellowship and ran off with all the money. She was hurt, but even worse she was embarrassed; she wrote a book about the whole scandal which he thought was maybe a little hard on him, because Steve is nothing if not very merciful to himself. And now he's a vampire -- still campin' it up just a hair past acceptable -- and she's here, with a view that Camp Anna Camp as the evolution of the FOS itself: "God's master plan to save the human race by eradicating the vampire race."

Sarah: "And now you, Steve, are a vampire!"
Steve: "But not really. I just have a wide stance/am one of the good ones."
Sarah: "Don't bullshit a bullshitter. I'm in politics now. But I realized you can't real change, like we wanted, from the pulpit. if you really wanna do God's work you have to [buy your way into] politics."

She leaves him to Dr. Overlark from earlier, and when Steve pretends not to know who Eric Northman is for a blessed second, Overlark shows him a big scary technology of pain, and he immediately rolls over. I'm still not in love with the whole Steve Newlin thing. Hating Christians is boring, self-righteously getting off on people's hypocrisy is boring, watching people act dumb so you can talk about how dumb they are is boring. I really like the actor and I'm so happy to see Sarah, but Steve Newlin got a lot less cool when he turned. It's the same privilege in play as the hipster-racist jokes on Showtime shows: A cheap way to cheat yourself out of your liberal ideals while pretending you're still one of the good guys.

TAKAHASHI

By Jacob Clifton

TAKAHASHI

Without use of (vampire) glamour, Jess quickly gets Takahashi's heartrate up, begging him for catch-up tutorin' in Organic Chem in a private session. His voice dips so low that you think he's gonna pass out, and the second the class empties out... She grabs him! Such theatre. Although the curfew thing makes me think maybe she does have to be this spycrafty about everything, right?

STACKHOUSE

I don't know enough about music but it sounds like this scene is the music that usually plays with Sookie and Bill, but weird in some way? Accurate, if so.

Knock knock.
Jason: "I got it!"
Sookie: "Oh my God, just stay in bed. I doubt Warlow's gonna knock."
Bill: "I am the one who knocks. Can I come in?"
Sookie: "I like just broke up with you for the fiftieth time. I actually tried to murder you?"
Bill: "I know, it's cool. Listen, I really need a favor. Everybody we know is going to die unless you help me. Please do not think about all the many times I've manipulated you a million different ways -- including this way -- for my own selfish reasons."
Sookie: "What, can you see the future now?"
Bill: "That is so weird that you said that. Ah mean, Ah knew you would say that."
Sookie: "Oh so you're still crazy, got it. Good night!"

By Jacob Clifton

He blocks the door and then forces his way in, invite or no. Jason comes running down the stairs and he telekinetically pins him to the wall above the landing, wiggling like a little old puppy, and then zooms Sookie into the kitchen. Jason's head? Still hurting. They are making much of that, I can't wait to find out why. I hope he's okay.

Sookie: "Fine, what."
Bill: "Ah need your blood, Sookie."
Sookie: "What else is new."
Bill: "This time Ah need it for science."
Sookie: "Fuck you."
Bill: "It is very important. It is because Ah am God, that's all Ah know so far."

She throws all of Gran's good china at him and it keeps exploding telekinetically without touching him, but she's Sookie so she just keeps doin' it.

Sookie: "You're not God, Bill, you're just an asshole!"
Bill: "Whatever, just come with me."
Sookie: "No! My blood is mine! It keeps me going! It is not for science!"
Bill: "You are boring me, Sookie Stackhouse."
Sookie: "Can I ask on behalf of how we were once in love? That usually does it."
Bill: "Sookie, if you will not relent Ah have no choice but to say fuck it."
Sookie: "I won't."
Bill: "Then fuck it. Sookie Stackhouse, you are dead to me."
Sookie: "Whatever, drama queen. Get the fuck out."

He drops Jason on his way out, from the wall, and poor kid goes ass-over-teakettle all the way down the bottom flight, bumping his bumped head surely more even than it was bumped before. Jason, stay in bed! The first two seasons we couldn't get you outta there, but now when it's medically necessary?

Also, Sookie you're being an asshole. Even if Bill is crazy on drugs, you have to know that synthesizing somebody's blood is what's going to save the world, and if he thinks yours is the best for the job, then what is your problem? Ask questions about that, get answers. Follow up. Don't just Sookie everything to hell because you're having relationship issues, guess what you are always having relationship issues and you will always be having relationship issues. Stop factoring that in.

UGH, VUS

VUS Douches: "Let's drive right up to these werewolves like we are on safari, and then tape them turning into werewolves so we can get them all killed. That's helping!"
Nicole: "The point is to grassroots them into liking us, not getting on the news."
VUS Douches: "Yeah, sure it is."

By Jacob Clifton

Wolf: "Hey, we're going to kill you okay?"
Nicole: "Sorry to bother you, we're just doing outreach in the middle of the night like any half-assed college sophomore idea of activism."
Wolf: "Seriously you need to leave instead."
Nicole: "Did you know we are called the VUS? Vampire Unity Society?"
Wolf: "Ugh, we are racist against vampires just like everybody else."

Alcide: "Your unbelievable ivory tower privilege of waltzing in here acting like you're gonna add W and V to the QUILTBAG mess you've already made of identity politics? Fuck gives you the right to administrate other people's lives for them? Go think up a real problem of your own."

Nicole: "I am not listening to what you're saying, but I am going to leave."
Douches: "I am going to act real tough because I have no idea what is actually happening."
Alcide: "Oh, are these cameras? Are you shitting me right now?"
Raccoona: "They even have pictures of Emma. This shit has been going on for a while."
Random Owl: "That is very interesting."

White Knight Douche gets his little entitled white man feelings hurt that the minorities aren't doing what he says, and immediately throws a hissy fit, which is all the reason the Pack -- starting with Raccoona, who is just an all-purpose shitbag -- needs to shift and attack. Thank God, though. And of course Sam shifts out of owl form and takes advantage of the chaos to steal this child he has no claim on at all, and then wolf-Alcide saves Nicole from wolf-Raccoona, because no matter how annoying she is she's still the only one that isn't a fucking waste of skin, and then Sam and Emma also decide to help her, because have you met Sam? It is like a two-for-one sale on chicks that are none of his business.

GINGER

Answers Eric's cell, and then obediently takes the Governor's call to the coffin, where I guess Eric is taking his time this PM.

There's a pretty great sequence in which Eric and Pam take the call out into the living room while Tara is left to tie Willa back up, so she only hears Eric's half of the conversation with her vampire hearing -- and none of the Governor's -- which makes her think Eric is being serious when all wants to talk about is the various ways he's going to kill Willa. (This scene also relies on Tara being an idiot, but I'm done fighting it.)

By Jacob Clifton

Meanwhile Eric is under the impression that his phone is untraceable, which turns out not to be true, so then there's a second single-blind going on where the Governor is weeping and moaning and crying but all the vampires heard his phone-tapper say that he knows where they are, so half of it becomes just stalling to get the girl and get the hell out of Ginger's house, but again: Tara doesn't know that either, so she's long gone when they show up.

Eric: "Ginger, now, you're my assistant. So your job is to stall for me. The girl is very tied up, I'm extremely bad at untying people, whatever. Just keep him on the line. Once they bust in here, you never saw any of us. Got it? Good. Goodnight, Ginger."

I like how this episode is like, Eric is always exceedingly respectful toward Ginger, didn't you know that? And it feels like, "Yep, that's how he always is, that's hilarious and sweet." But also, he did promise to fuck her, and Eric does not break his promises. So not only does she get to see the best of all possible Erics, but also she lives in the best of all possible worlds, if you subtract the ones where her entire brain is not oatmeal.

STACKHOUSE

Ben: "Okay before we go in there, Sookie is probably going to think I'm stalking her."
Niall: "I thought you said you were friends? She gave you a sponge bath?"
Sookie: "Yeah but at the last minute it was like she skitzed out and did our whole relationship in five seconds, like actually dated me and broke up with me and gave me a breakup speech about how the timing was off and it wasn't me it was her. It was off-putting, a little bit, but mostly I just thought she was weird and crazy. Plus adorable."
Sookie, ASAP: "What are you doing here with Niall? Are you stalking me? I thought we broke up."
Niall: "Please do not torture Ben Flynn. He has been through enough."
Sookie: "I'll be the judge of that. Come in, I guess. No funny business!"

Niall: "Look at how this blood is being all weird! I guess we don't know everything about Warlow."
Jason: "What about Hadley and Hunter?"
Sookie: "Nobody cares, but just to shut the internet up I guess we should say they left after Russell found 'Hot Wings' and Eric killed him. I am sad about all those dead faeries."
Sookie's Mind: "Who died just because of me just like everybody else in the world."
Sookie: "Ben, get the fuck outta my head! Jesus!"
Ben: "Sorry. Have we noticed that I am looking about ten times hotter than I even did before?"
Niall: "Sookie, don't be rude. When you have faeries in your house it's okay for them to read your mind, said no etiquette book ever."
Sookie: "I am not feeling hospitable. I am feeling like I need to clean."

Sookie: "How come I can feel you in my head? I never felt that before."
Ben: "Me neither but I can feel you right now."

They feel feelings and feel the feeling of each other's feelings and then the feeling of that feeling. Man, if this kitchen floor could talk! It would probably be like, "Stop with all the feelings all the time! And bitches need to stop dying on me."

Remember at the end of Maryann House Party when Jane Bodehouse was just chillin' in the sink and cuttin' off her finger? And then the Coroner guy just started licking Sookie's leg on the floor like that? That was so amazing. And then later she staked him, and he blew up in her Chinese food. I love this show so much.

Everybody goes into high alert -- "Stay in the house, Sookie!" (Nope) -- when they think Warlow's back, but it's just Nora. And they can't even get into what her deal is (which I bet is cool, because the only thing that really makes her annoying is Eric, and it's not even Eric it's Pam at this point, so the opportunity of having her anywhere but with them is very exciting, considering Bill's her closest person at this point in the narrative anyway) because Jason finally takes his header. You know, that header he's been saying explicitly was going to happen this entire episode, with all the subtlety of Queen Sophie Anne on a coke binge? Yeah, it happens.

MEANWHILE

God is walking back home through the graveyard to meet up with Princess Jess when he gets pulled over by Andy Bellefleur for breaking curfew. It's a neat scene full of Andy goodness -- "I hate doing this, especially 'cause you're kin; I don't agree with any of this nonsense; It's just my job" -- but once Bill smells faerie on the toys in his car, it's all over.

Andy: "Vampire Bill, I have kids now! Did you know that?"
Bill: "Enjoy 'em. Time goes so fast, they'll be outta the house before you know it."
Andy: "That's notable in at least three ways -- since you are still crying about your stupid babies from the Civil War and also because they are literally growing faster than human babies and finally because you are clearly going to abduct them -- but mostly, thank you for your encouragement. I sure do love you, Grandpa Vampire Bill."

God claps the Sherriff on his shoulder and heads out into the graveyard, with the scariest smile of all. The ending song is a cover of the Linda Ronstadt song "You're No Good," so I appreciate the effort they're putting into making me not love Bill the most, but I can't help wondering just how creepy it's going to be when Bill abducts those little girls. I think he will do his sweet smile stuff and his "little children are just angels" stuff and all that. I think the end creepiness quotient will depend on how old they are tomorrow.

But also this: I think that Bill's obsession with synthesizing fae blood is twofold, and both of them have to do with his accidental suicide this morning. On the one hand, he really was hurt -- got his fingers literally burnt -- by the limits of his immortality. I think there is pride in the mix, the pride of a person who wants to be God which is the most pride you can have, and so obviously on one level this is about making sure he's as God as he can be. And that is not so pretty.

But on the other hand, if this is about abundance for everyone he loves -- everyone we love -- and he's driven by this vision of Jessica and Eric and Tara and Pam burning to a crisp, then that is a beautiful thing he wants to do: Make earth heaven for his people, so nobody can ever hurt them that way again. It's not that far off from what Antonia wanted out of Marnie, really. Just a safe enough space at whatever cost.

And that's what he was trying to say to Sookie, but again it was muddled by the realities of life and the realities of love and their history: She knows better than anybody that Bill can't be trusted to safeguard her blood, because it turns into a lot of stuff that is not good and not right and certainly not equable. Three seasons at least, of this show, made Sookie an expert in how far he is willing to go on that front, and none of it had to do with the good of vampire kind or fae kind, and everything to do with the sickest desires of William Compton.

The problem with Gods who are also men is that you will never know the difference. He's got ego in there just like the activists of the VUS, just like Steve and now Sarah, just like any other martyr or politician or regular person who identified so much with their cause that they became the cause, and then suddenly it was worth anything, any act, to do. No good is all good, and if you start thinking that way you'll go evil faster than anything. Tenderness leads to the gas chamber and all that. We weren't designed to be that selfish. I have no doubt Bill is going to fuck up majorly -- he's Bill -- but I do think he's closer than most people on Earth, much less on this show, to actually finding peace.

I keep meaning to bring this up, actually: Joss Whedon's recent Wesleyan commencement. I know with the overlap you'll probably have already read it, and it is full of wisdom that most people won't tell you despite it being actually essential, but this is my favorite part: "If you think that happiness means total peace, you will never be happy. Peace comes from the acceptance of the part of you that can never be at peace. It will always be in conflict. If you accept that, everything gets a lot better."

Hard to explain, harder to live by. A fight you fight not just when you're awake and not just when you're at your best, and not something that makes you easier to understand or take for outsiders, because it often makes you look crazy, but fundamentally necessary nonetheless. And this is coming out of a larger theme he's talking about, which is the story of William Compton in an eerily appropriate nutshell:

"Let's just say... you took the path less traveled. Part of you is just going, 'Look at that path! Over there, it's much better. Everyone is traveling on it... This one, there's nettles and Robert Frost's body--somebody should have moved that--it just feels weird.' And not only does your mind tell you this, it is on that other path, it is behaving as though it is on that path. It is doing the opposite of what you are doing. And for your entire life, you will be doing, on some level, the opposite: Not only of what you were doing, but of what you think you are. That is just going to go on. What you do with all your heart, you will do the opposite of. And what you need to do is to honor that, to understand it, to unearth it, to listen to this other voice."

"You have, which is a rare thing, that ability and the responsibility to listen to the dissent in yourself, to at least give it the floor, because it is the key. Not only to consciousness, but to real growth. To accept duality is to earn identity. And identity is something that you are constantly earning. It is not just who you are. It is a process that you must be active in... Understanding yourself, so you can become yourself."

It is not a thing that most people have heard or dealt with, or are prepared to hear or deal with, but it's been the deal with Bill since the beginning and Whedon is right when he says this tension is the key to everything. Making peace with the part of yourself that will never see daylight; making peace with the part of yourself that is not at peace. Because the more you ignore it and the stronger you get in the daytime, that nighttime face is getting just that strong, all the time. And it will come for you, if you don't go to it.

So far Bill's the only one who's gone for it. Hoyt kind of did, but out of bad logic; Terry did and it fixed him; Jason lives there because that is 100 percent of what Jason is about which is why Jason is the wisest one and why nobody gets it; Tara took hers out into the woods and stabbed it to death and she's still paying for that one. So while I doubt that the Pre-Teen Sensations are in any danger -- after all, the plan was Sookie to start with and it's not like he'd ever drain or really hurt her -- but I can see a lot of fun story (fun and fairly beautiful, and fairly relevant to the story of faith that started last year and Sarah just brought up again) developing out of God basically acting like a child molester.

By Jacob Clifton

And that's what we've got, at the end of the day. On top of Nora doing her Nora stuff, Niall and Ben teaming up with Sookie to fingerblast the world, Jessica kidnapping perv professors, Jason's brain finally exploding, Lala and Sam getting gay married for their wolf baby, and Sarah taking out thirty years of patriarchy whitegirl rage on poor Steve, we've also got God headed home with a child-catcher smile on his face. I mean I feel good about this season, I really do.

WEEK

Pam seems to be stepping up as War Leader while Eric's dealing with whatever Willa's cookin' up; Ginger gets another in the series of shocks that defines her existence; Sookie and Ben have another one of their conversations; Jessica maybe gets a little too into this plan to kidnap Andy's daughters (now in their late teens, looks like); and Nora figures out that Warlow is the only person that can kill Lilith! That is legitimately exciting.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, True Blood, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love. A new short story, "This Is Why We Jump," appeared in June's Clarkesworld Magazine.