Nobody Is In Charge & Everything Is On Fire

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 06-16-2013 · S06E01

Yikes, huh? That was something.

Previously, Bill blew up all the TruBlood factories and then drank all the Lilith, so now he is a crazy person. Everybody is in a real hurry to get away from the Authority compound because Bill is God now, or whatever, but then they stop for a long time at a beach so they can yell at each other. Jason goes abruptly crazy and yells at Nora because she is a vampire, and mainly what he wants is for everybody to tell him where Warlow is: Turns out he's actually mentioned in the Book of Lilith, he's that old. Eventually after he is all yelled out, Jason hops in a random person's car and that random person turns out to be Warlow, so I guess the moral of the story is you shouldn't yell so much, just get in random cars with strange old men and everything will work out.

Like Jason, Pam is very upset about something that is not really very upsetting -- in this case, the fact that Eric never told her about his sister Nora -- and she and Tara have a very long conversation about nothing really. But because this new political figure Truman Burrell has responded to the factory bombings by declaring open season on vampires, which nobody really has a problem with because there is no Authority or anybody to protect vampires from human resentment and violence and guns, the government takes over Fangtasia right in the middle of Pam and Tara trying to figure out how to be lesbians with each other.

Luna dies outside the compound, due to skinwalking, so now Sam has a kid that is a werewolf. Also being a werewolf: Alcide, who as Packmaster has to have threesomes with ladies all the time. Because of you know how in nature, how wolves are always having threesomes? It's like that. It is all very sexual! And of course, very classy, like all werewolf moments.

Truman Burrell, whose political future is very much tied up in anti-vampire rhetoric, gets the TruBlood people to set up temporary shop in a tea bottling factory that he just happens to own. How does he just happen to own this tea bottling factory? I'm glad you asked. Half of the episode is the scintillating tale that he tells the TruBlood lady about just this thing, which is that he purchased it. He used money to purchase it, in a financial transaction, and so now he has it, which is how money works. (Am I going too fast for you? I know that it's very complicated.)

Eric gives Sookie back her house, first of all because he loves her and second of all because she loves him, but really I think the main reason is so the government won't take it away from him because he's not a person anymore. He does this by stabbing himself with an ink pen and writing I GIVE YOU BACK YOUR HOUSE OKAY on a piece of paper in his blood, which is not how money works. He should get Truman Burrell to explain it to him.

Speaking of contracts, Sookie sleeps near her Warlow marriage contract from that time her ancestors sold her to a very old vampire for no reason that we know. It glows sometimes, it's very disconcerting; it's funny how both Stackhouses hate vampires now because of Warlow, but in opposite ways of each other, so they are still fighting. So yes, having decided vampires are bullshit, she rescinds Eric's invitation, which results in the most amazing thing of the entire episode, which I don't even have to tell you because the second that it happened the internet became 85% just gifs of it happening.

Arlene helps Andy with his elf babies, who grow overnight into elf tweens. I predict they will be full elf grownups shortly. Andy is pretty great, and Arlene walking him through fatherhood is pretty great. It was also a relief because it was something other than people explaining basic shit to each other: It was people explaining actual things to each other, like what a baby is and how you do it without going crazy.

After washing off all of the blood and putting on some damn clothes, Bill very cruelly summons Jessica to his side, and then tells her, Sookie, Nora and Eric that he is still Bill Compton, but also magical. He almost kills Eric but Sookie stakes him, which is sad for him but not really for anybody else. Jessica eventually elects to move back and live with him, because he wants her to help him stay normal and not let doing God things -- like keep glasses from spilling -- turn him into General Sherman. This is the second-longest thing of the whole show, him explaining painfully this fairly simple idea of absolute power corrupting absolutely, but by that point in the episode you're pretty much just bludgeoned by all the people giving all the speeches to everybody they know at any time they feel like giving a speech.

I would not say that I hated this episode, because somehow Bill has become my favorite thing about the show and so the fact that he is having interesting problems makes me excited about the season. But it looked crappy, it somehow managed to simultaneously talk down to us while also firing on fewer intellectual cylinders than ever before, and moved the characters forward about a single inch total. The episode ends with a bunch of Liliths giving Bill a tummy-ache, and weird visions, and I guess he is going to have to figure out some things about being God before he gets good at it. Luckily, he's got Jessica with him, and she makes everything better, so at least he's got that going for him.

Week: I guess the season starts? The government has all kinds of Wikileaks secrets having to do with experimenting on supes, which means they have better things in place to control these uprisings than we've seen before. As long as none of them are a smoke monster that makes you wander around not really doing anything for an entire season, I think the vampires will be victorious.

PREVIOUSLY

Well previously I hated the season premiere last year too, but I seem to recall that by the end of it I felt like the only person on earth who actually still liked the show. So as much as I hated this episode, it's still outweighed by hope, and my affection for the characters and for the particular writer/s of this episode and this show. Sometimes it's not the way it's done, but the what that is being done; on the other hand sometimes it's not the story but the way it's being told. And sometimes it's a personal response that colors what you experience more than you know -- and you don't know what you don't know -- so just keep that in mind, and I will try not to be so very much of a Sassy Susan that neither of us enjoys what is about to happen, because then what is the point.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE SHOW THOUGH

Andy knocked up a faerie, who explained to Sookie that she'd been sold by her ancestors into love slavery -- with a primordial vampire named Warlow, who killed Sookie's parents -- before shooting a litter of half-magic babies out of her magical vagina, and then bounced. Oh, which is important because for some reason (actually for about a hundred reasons, now that I think about it) this was the thing that tipped her brother Jason over into being absolutely crazy, so now his ghostly parents are always ghostly telling him to be a racist. Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin, a relationship that is offensive on every level, were tragically torn apart when the former King of Mississippi tracked the faeries to their carnival home dimension and was immediately murdered by Eric, whose sister Nora... Sometimes she's like this, other times she's like this.

Sam Merlotte turned into a common housefly and flew up a lady's nose and then turned back into Sam Merlotte from inside of her skull, and it was awesome. Skinwalker Luna turned into Steve Newlin and outed shifters as supes, and is probably going to barf blood and die real quick. Lafayette, I don't know what is going on with him frankly. I think he took a nap. His boyfriend is a ghost -- possibly trapped in brujo hell? -- I don't know if we'll be seeing him this year, but if we do presumably they'll remind us what was going on there. Terry Bellefleur lived through the opening ten minutes of Aladdin and basically has his shit together finally. Alcide is the boss of werewolves. I think that's everybody...

Oh right, and Bill is God now. Speaking of things I hated for a long time and now are my very favorite.

By Jacob Clifton

AUTHORITY COMPOUND

Bill poisoned Salome and then drank all the Lilith himself, which caused him to melt down into a puddle of blood and then come back up out of the puddle and seem very crazy. Sookie went "Fffffuck" and then she and Eric ran! Everybody else was already trying to get out of the building -- it's a long list of people that were in the building getting out of there, but "everybody" covers it -- and but Bill was newly born and not really being very disciplined in his choices, so he destroyed the elevator powerlines and then Eric and Sookie just didn't know what to do. So that's the situation upstairs.

Downstairs, Nora is like, "Did you just say Warlow? Because as it turns out, in my Nora fashion, I know a secret about that, which I do not feel like sharing." Pam hates her, because Pam just about hates everything; Jason hates her because he is a complicated man about vampires; Jessica doesn't care one way or the other because she is affable generally; Tara probably hates her but all of her lines in this episode are being said by Pam for some reason. Maybe it's a thing Tara is trying where she's like, "Let somebody else act like an asshole a solid 24/7, see how that works out."

Outside, Luna drops dead -- but only after making Sam promise to take care of Emma even though she has an entire family that is already on this show, and he shot his own son/brother in the back once and is therefore not a great parent, and also they barely know each other, and also, that is not how custody works. So I guess once Alcide realizes the value of Emma's grandmother and makes her his Lieutenant, Sam and Alcide will posture toward one another about this werewolf baby. A storyline that will almost certainly come to involve the bared and flopping tits of thousands of nameless werewolf chicks, somehow.

In the parking lot, everybody sees amazing naked God Bill floating around covered in blood like Carrie, blowing up the entire Authority Compound since there is only person in the Authority, and that person is now dead slash God. So now nobody is in charge and everything is on fire, which you might think would be my ideal situation, and you would be: Correct. Especially if the only person with any power at this point is also completely out of his mind after two hundred years of having to be Bill Fucking Compton every day of his life. There is nothing about that of which I do not approve.

By Jacob Clifton

For a minute, everybody yells about who they are most worried about -- Jason's worried about Sookie, Pam's worried about Eric -- but then Sookie and Eric jump in the truck and they stare at crazy Bill for a while before driving very quickly away. Nora has said the word "bloody" only once so far, so we're doing good.

THE GETAWAY

Tara: "I don't think he's following us..."
Jason: "Unless he's flying over our heads like a naked evil Superman."
Sookie & Eric: "He clearly let us go. We're cool for now."
Nora: "[Something about Lilith just so we remember oh yeah, she's the one that talks about Lilith pretty much all the time.]"

Louisiana Governor Truman Burrell is a big part of this season, and he is holding a press conference right this second on the fact that Bill's neat plan -- to blow up all the TruBlood factories and start a vampire jihad last week -- has had particularly unfortunate consequences for his constituents, who had the poor judgment to live in Louisiana, Vampire Capital of Everywhere Besides Transylvania, in the first place. He has a valid point, which is that in that week there have been at least 246 vampire-on-human deaths; he has a less valid plan, which is twofold: First, a curfew on vampires at night, which is equal to 24 hours a day of vampire curfew if you think about it, and two, as per "Executive Order 846 of the Louisiana State Constitution," we're closing down all vampire-run businesses, which again if you think about it is really a step towards something scarier. Oh, and bonus plan part the third: Everybody buy a gun!

A chick with stripes in her hair -- who therefore does not have an opinion worth listening to -- throws a bloodbag at the Governor's head and confusedly chants about "Stop the bloodshed!" And "Humans for vamps!" Something called the VUS, which I'm guessing the first letter is for vampire and the second letter is for unity probably, and the S is for "the rich white people who actually subscribe to HBO deserve an Occupy movement they can laugh at because it's so misguided." The S is for Obama.

Were you wondering if Burrell was a fucking creep? Guess what, quoting Andrew Jackson is proof. Don't do it. "Peace above all things must be desired, but blood must sometimes be shed to obtain it, on equable and lasting terms."

Jason Stackhouse loves it. And while I do love Jason Stackhouse, let us remember that he is functionally, um, apolitical? His politics don't matter and should not factor in?

By Jacob Clifton

Jason: "About damn time somebody did something about y'all..."
Everybody: "Shut the fuck up, Jason. God."
Nora: "Just to recap, that was us that did all of that. We bombed those factories because we were in a dangerous terrorist cult, and Russell Edgington took every opportunity to ruin us publicly, and then we killed the entire Authority."
Eric: "I seem to recall stating several times last season that all of that stuff was stupid."

Pam and Nora bitch not-so-cleverly at each other, and finally Eric pulls over. I guess they aren't on the run anymore. I guess they're not worried about the curfew. Outlaws!

THE BEACH

Pam: "I don't like that Mary Poppins bitch, and would like to kill her if that's okay."
Eric: "She is my sister."
Pam: "I'm going to flip out over that in such a dramatic, outlandish fashion that either it's just trumped-up drama to make it seem like things actually happened in this episode or, given the benefit of the doubt, is less about her or your secret life before we met, and more about the fact that you ritualistically broke up with me and released me as your Progeny, and then immediately hooked up with a less charming version of me. Basically, without you I don't really have an identity and now what identity I managed to retain is also crumbling."
Eric: "Which is not something I can really do anything about. This is not the you I love, I can tell you that much."

Me neither, honey. I don't really love Pam as much as most people seem to do -- she's kind of the Dowager Countess of being there mostly for people who are unlike me -- but I sure did love her more when she was the most convincing vampire on the entire show and not this male-identified one-note bitchy whining grasping thing she's become.

Pam: "Other than my hissyfit about something that doesn't even matter, what could be going on?"
Eric: "Bill is God? Louisiana just declared war on us?"
Pam: "I am your right-hand man! We must share everything!"
Eric: "Get over it and have my back or get out of my face."

(Pam heads off to sit on a beach rock and eat worms and feel sorry for herself some more. I sure hope stupid Tara sticks her big stupid face in that situation so Pam can be horrible and racist to her, since we're doing this anyway.)

By Jacob Clifton

Eric: "Does the Vampire Bible say anything about what if Bill is Lilith?"
Nora: "Nope."
Eric: "Seems like that would be a big part of it. The resurrection of Lilith. Since it's a book of scripture and prophecy about Lilith called 'The Book Of Lilith,' you think that would get at least a footnote or something."
Nora: "I know, it's so weird. But you know what? Just one drop of that shit turned me into a lunatic terrorist, and Bill -- who was already a hot mess, who has been a trainwreck the entire run of this television series -- drank the whole thing. So if I were going to guess what that chapter or footnote looked like..."
Jessica: "...You want to Kill Bill."
(Unnecessary? Or obligatory. There are cases to be made for both.)
Nora: "No, I want us to kill Lilith. Bill's the one that jumped his ass into the equation."
Eric: "That should be his theme song."

Sookie: "Jason, go comfort Jessica. You're her bestie."
Jason: "I am too crazy! Plus I will somehow make killing her father all about me. I can already tell."

Tara: "Allow me to take this opportunity to be supportive."
Pam: "Have you ever met me? Have you ever met YOU?"
Tara: "Hating Nora won't make Eric love you more. The limit does not exist."

Jessica: "Sookie, thanks for chasing me down. I really couldn't handle any of your brother's white trash nonsense right now. Can I ask if you still love Bill too?"
Sookie: "He was the first thing that ever happened to me in my life. Of course I do."
Jessica: "But we're both scared of him, too."
Sookie: "Honey, I want to be honest. I watched him die. And I watched what happened . It is not Bill."
Jessica: "Then I really am alone."
Sookie: "No. I'm still your stepmom. You divorce wives, not children."
Jessica: "Do you realize every time we've had this conversation on the show it immediately bites you in the ass? Like every time. We say we love each other, and in the scene I tell you to go screw."
Sookie: "Well, probably that won't happen this time."

Nora: "Jason? Can I hypnotize you real quick instead of just asking you a question like a normal polite person might?"
Jason: "Only if I can shit the bed about it in a second and go twice as crazy."
Nora: "Cool, why do you know who Warlow is?"
Eric: "What is Warlow? Why don't know I know about Warlow?"
Nora: "Still not interested in being useful."
Jason, verbatim: "The faeries channeled nature's memories and then he was floating in the air in Sookie's bathroom..."
Eric: "This is stupid."

By Jacob Clifton

Jason snaps out of it and pulls out a gun to kill Nora because he hates feeling violated, and because he thinks she can tell him where Warlow is. She can't, but everybody discusses this for about ten minutes anyway, and everybody gets appalled and involved, and it's a standoff, and finally Nora's like, "I know who it is because he's in the Book of Lilith. He was Lilith's Progeny, one of the first of our kind. Did you honestly think that I was going to say a sentence without the word Lilith in it?" And he knows she's right, but he wanders off into the night just the same, bitching at Sookie over his shoulder as he goes.

Whew, that was a lot of drama on that beach! I sure hope they head home soo... Oh, what's going on with Jessica? Now she's doubled over screaming and blood is shooting out of every hole of her face. That can't be good.

Jessica: "Bill would seem to require my presence at Castle Compton."
Sookie: "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
Jessica: "It could mean that he's still Bill. Or partially. And I mean, biologically it does mean that. If Bill was dead-dead, he couldn't do this to me. Unless it's because he's God and he could do this to anybody, I guess, and it just happens to be me. On the other hand, he doesn't seem to care that it makes me feel like I'm..."

It hurts so much, you guys! It hurts so much she has to tear her shirt right at the v-neck, so you can see more boobs! Argh! Haven't you ever felt that way, like after a spicy enchilada or your uterine lining is being expelled due to menses? "Ah, these prostaglandins! Good thing I wore my nice bra, because these puppies are coming right out!" I've heard you ladies say. "It is the only thing that will bring me relief!"

Pam's stance on this situation is fuck it because she's awful, Nora's stance is yelling about Lilith because that's her deal, Sookie's stance is that they are all dickholes, and Eric's stance is that it's no skin off his ass if they take Jessica over to Bill's house for round two, as long as Pam and Tara get the hell back to Fangtasia! and lock it up tight because of Burrell, and also don't come with them because they are acting like jerks, mainly because they are jerks. Not all the time, not every day, but right now: Do it. Just go home. Take Nora. No? Nora's coming too? Fine, whatever. As long as we stand around discussing it forever.

By Jacob Clifton

PACKMASTER ALCIDE

Mr. Herveaux: "You have to eat meat of a person! Maybe this is something that happened last year. Maybe it is Emma's dad?"
Alcide: "That does seem like something that would have happened in the finale, although there were many people who might have killed Emma's dad. He was on Nashville with the same hair and clothes and demeanor but somehow just knowing he wasn't a werewolf made him a lot more attractive on that show."
Wolves: "Eat it! Inherit the flesh!"
Some Lady: "Remember Alcide is high on vampire blood?"
Other Lady: "Over the years it has been many kinds of drugs, but inevitably with werewolves it is meth. Remember Cooter?"

God I miss Cooter. He's on another show now, where he dresses all wild west. It's pretty excellent.

Werewolf Chick: "Do you want a blowjob?"
Alcide: "I guess so, since I'm on drugs anyway."
His Girlfriend: "It's almost like they don't respect you as a woman, when you're a biker bitch. What an enigma. What a social riddle."

What is her name, that werewolf girlfriend that was always on drugs or off drugs. Purvis? Gielgud? Chantilly? Something like that. I won't recognize her with her shirt on. Aretha?

BELLEFLEUR MANSION

Arlene talks Andy through his parenting struggles with his four elf babies and surprisingly enough her advice doesn't stop at, "Marry the first man you meet, even if he is a serial killer or has PTSD so bad his eyes stare in different directions." She has more to say.

Jacob, bored: "You know what, I bet those elf kids are going to age really rapidly. They'll get to Hot Age like all the other faeries at one of two junctions, either at episode 4 or 5 or at the end of the season, and we'll never see them again. It's going to be Andy's storyline for a while, but not forever, and that's how it's going to happen. Elf time."

It's sweet, because Carrie Preston is a genius and a darling, and Andy is always in need of some TLC, but I'm in my mid-thirties and I live in Austin, Texas. I cannot have the Am I going to be a good father conversation with you today, because I already had that conversation six times today, with six different worried young fathers, none of whom are, as it turns out, 100% sure they're up to it. You know what I mean?

By Jacob Clifton

SPEAKING OF

Sam -- who can I just say that "covered in blood and looking crazy" is about the hottest look he's rocked in several seasons -- brings Emma to Merlotte's, where Lafayette is apparently living. Drinking tequila and waving guns around and sleeping on Sam's office floor. So he's in a good place, I guess. This part was confusing to me. Lafayette's a vagrant and Sam is on about how nobody can know he and this random orphaned child exist or where they are or what restaurants they have visited.

Sam: "Lafayette, you can't tell anybody you saw me or Emma!"
Lala: "But why? I mean, okay. But why?"
Sam: "Emma will die, apparently? Or maybe by 'her life depends on it' I mean 'her relatives might come save her from the strange man who has decided he gets to be her dad'?"
Lala: "Yes, no one will ever think to look for you here, at this restaurant you own, that is called your name."

Emma: "My mom's dead, and I'm hungry, and Sam's paranoid for mysterious reasons."
Lala: "You want something deep-fried, dipped in sugar, and fried all over again? Come on. And we'll do something with your hair, too. Remember how I'm gay?"

WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

A creepy old man who is clearly more than he seems, driving a creepy old car that is clearly more than it seems, rolls up alongside Jason Stackhouse and -- even though he is wary -- Jason just climbs right on in. The car smells like faeries, blood, ancient rituals and Rutger Hauer.

Jason: "Now that vampires are running rampant and starving throughout the state, and I have faerie blood, I can finally try that whole 'hitchhiking' thing people do in the middle of the night when they want to have the shit murdered out of them."
Old: "Do you need help? Help with getting murdered, or a spooky spell put on you, I mean?"
Jason: "The fact that I am literally soaking in blood doesn't seem to have fazed you much."
Old: "Same back at you, with the fact that I am creepy as shit and clearly not human. Let's talk about local real estate."
Jason: "Cool you know, the Bellefleurs used to own Merlotte's, before it was called Merlotte's."
Old: "Maybe I know the Bellefleurs. They're an old creepy family and I'm an old creepy Old."
Jason: "That's so interesting. Did you know I am an orphan and my whole family is dead except for my sister who has mental problems?"

By Jacob Clifton

In real life this is where the creepy old man says, "Do you like blowjobs?" But not on this show, on this show he's just like, "That's very interesting about your family."

CASTLE COMPTON

Sookie: "Jessica, you're a strong newborn vampire who was actually invited here, but I can sometimes shoot a light. So you wait for my okay..."
Bill: "Hey guys, can we talk?"
Everybody: "NO!"
Bill: "Then why did you come here?"

They all attack. Eric rides in on a zipline and Nora parkours off the porch and everybody is jumping and bucking at Bill and so when, annoyed, Bill finally thinks about killing Eric, Sookie stakes him. Which I guess is meant to be some definitive statement? I don't speak shipper, but I guess that's a big deal. Luckily, Bill is God so he doesn't get butthurt about it, just pulls out the stake and is like, "First of all, that was rude. Second of all, I said can we talk?"

Everybody: "So what is the deal? Are you Lilith?"
Bill: "I am Bill Compton, same as always but awesome finally. And then bonus I-am-God, but like, on top of being Bill."
Jessica: "How come you pulled my guts out metaphorically through my bra?"
Bill: "I am still working out the kinks of being me and having God powers, my bad."
Sookie: "It was really sad when you died."
Bill: "I know! But guess what, turns out I didn't."
Sookie: "How about this. If you really don't mean any of us any harm, why don't you just fuck off? Go to Shreveport and kill the Governor, or go to Lilith Heaven or wherever, and never come back to Bon Temps. That would be sporting of you."
Jessica: "Actually, all of you can go screw."

Sookie: "I know you said you were going to do this, but it's still hurtful. And also a dumb idea. You don't know what his deal is."
Jessica: "I do know that killing him immediately is not the way to find out, which means you're all assholes. Leave."
Sookie: "So you don't want us to kill him, and now you don't want us to exile him? Make up your mind!"
Jessica: "I just did. King Bill and Princess Jess are back in business. Castle Compton!"

By Jacob Clifton

She has to say it like a million times, but eventually they leave. I mean, there are subtler points to it, kind of, but basically the point is that somebody has to be good enough and strong enough to hold onto both possibilities at once. That was Sookie on this show, and for a long while it was Jason, but they've both been too hurt at this point to trust anybody anymore. So: Jessica. And too I think it's neat that he summoned here there so viciously, which is like all of her daddy issues at once, and then she made the call so easily once they were there.

NEW TRU BLOOD FACTORY

Burrell: "Miss Suzuki, of the Yakonomo Corporation, former makers of Tru Blood."
Suzuki: "Yes, Governor Burrell. What do you want and why did you bring me here at four AM?"
Burrell: "Because do you want to use this bottling plant to make Tru Blood?"
Suzuki: "Sure, whatever. But why do you, a racist, want to subsidize a vampire-demographic business, even in secret?"
Burrell: "That's a retarded question, because obviously it is preferable for vampires to have Tru Blood than to eat everybody."
Suzuki: "You're right, my apologies."

WEREWOLF BS

(Dorcas?): "Alcide, are you getting more blowjobs from those random werewolves?"
Random: "Yes, sorry. I can't stop giving blowjobs! They're so personally rewarding."
Alcide: "I am very high on drugs, okay? And blowjobs are great."
(Shively?): "Get on your knees and give my boyfriend a blowjob! Surely there is enough self-respect to go around!"

To wit: "I'm your number one bitch. Don't ever forget it."

And then they have a threesome, which like all threesomes is tremendously empowering for all concerned. I believe it was noted werewolf bitch Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "Men may attempt to treat you like a mute object covered in wet holes, but true power comes from thinking of yourself that way."

FANGTASIA!

Tara: "Do you ever shut up about Eric?"
Pam: "No. And it's awesome!"
Tara: "If I may, I'd like to relate your situation to something I experienced in my own life."
Pam: "Does it end with you trying to trick me into being your lesbian girlfriend?"
Tara: "...Yes."
Pam: "Typical. Listen, this isn't that story. This isn't an epic love affair where you teach me to feel again and then we talk about those feelings everywhere we go no matter who's around, at brunch or walking the dogs or hiking a trail or driving around in a Subaru Outback, just talking about our feelings, having the same conversation over and over until we are dead. That's not what this is. This is you, a moth, attracted to the bright idea of replacing Eric. You need to find a new strategy."

By Jacob Clifton

SWAT Team: "You need to find the floor! Executive Order 846!"
Pam: "I don't want to close my business just because of racism. I would rather keep it open."
SWAT Team: "I will shoot you for thinking that!"
Tara: "Then I will jump in front of the anti-vampire gun! For feelings!"
Pam: "Tara, no!"
Tara: (Gurgle.)
Pam: "Tara, noooooo."
Tara: "Gotcha, bitch."
Pam: "Oh, you scamp."
Tara: "No but seriously they got me."

STACK HOUSE

Eric: "I will pay for you to set up a new life anywhere you want."
Sookie: "Wouldn't matter. He has blood GPS on me for life."
Eric: "That was awesome how you staked him for me."
Sookie: "I kind of can't stop killing people, have you noticed that lately?"
Eric: "You'll always be that girl in the white dress that walked into my bar."
Sookie: "Okay cool."
Eric: "Hey, can I have a pen from like an old-fashioned inkwell?"
Sookie: "Sure, I have one of those right here."

He stabs it into his arm and then writes YOU CAN HAVE YOUR HOUSE BACK SIGNED ERIC NORTHMAN THE VIKING on a piece of paper. I guess this has to do with magic as well as the law? Like since it's her house now, the invites work differently? But he's also going to messenger the deed over and everything. They talk about how Bill is dangerous some more, and then the best moment of the whole episode: "Eric? I wanna be that girl again, the one in the white dress. I want my life back. Which is why I'm rescinding your invitation to my house."

He moonwalks out of there and it is mortifying and definitely the funniest part, but not the best part. The best part is when she goes to the lace curtains and looks out at him, and he tells her goodnight, and she says it right back. That's the only thing that got to me in the whole episode really, so even if I thought the "white dress" line was kind of played, it led to that, which is one of the most mature and layered and awesome things that's been done with their relationship, or any of Sookie's relationships besides the constant hilarity and barfing with Alcide: Just, Thank you for understanding, and goodnight. Loved it.

By Jacob Clifton

Outside, he hisses at Nora to leave it alone, but you know she's not going to. I'm sure she'll find a way to yammer at Sookie about Lilith by tomorrow night. But still.

BELLEFLEUR HOUSE

Purvis: "Daddy!"
Gielgud: "Daddy now we're two!"
Chantilly: "Daddy, wake up!"
Aretha: "Daddy, we're aging improbably! Make us snacks!"

Andy: "Oh no and they're probably psychic too! I had four Sookie Stackhouses. That's the worst thing sex ever did to me."

CASTLE COMPTON

Bill: "Are you all tucked into your bed, like how vampires on this show are always sleeping in beds?"
Jessica: "It's the King of Louisiana, I'm sure there's been necrotempered glass this entire time. Or at least since the witches made me run out in the yard that time. Of course I can sleep in a bed."
Bill: "Ah warmed a TruBlood for you, for Ah am at a loss."

Wow, she must really be hungry and exhausted, what with knocking her TruBlood off the night table like that, with her speedy vampire reflexes we've seen recover in such a scene countless times. I hope it doesn't spill on the carpet! That would be even more embarrassing for a vampire, what with their speedy refle... Oh right, your dad is GOD. Never mind.

Jessica: "Did you know you could do that? Reverse time and keep things from spilling?"
Bill: "Ah work in mysterious ways."
Jessica: "And by that you mean..."
Bill: "I'm sorry I pulled your guts out through your bra. That was a clown move and I regret it. But when you got here, even though you had no choice, you were still able to keep it together enough to see that I am mostly Bill."
Jessica: "Any info you can..."
Bill: "-- Excuse me can I TALK?"

There it is. There's Bill Compton right there, doing the grossest thing you can do in a conversation. Missed u bb.

Jessica: "...Uh. Go right ahead, Your Majesty."
Bill: "Thank you. Now, can I tell you seriously the longest story about General Sherman. Wait, do you know who General Sherman was? Wait, do you know what a General is? Wait, do you know what the Civil War was? I was there. Do you know what the North was? Wait, do you know that north is a direction?"
Jessica: "Fucking Christ, Bill. Just tell me your anecdote or whatever."

By Jacob Clifton

Bill: "I guess the point would be that absolute power corrupts absolutely, to coin a phrase. And so there's you, who loves me without buying my bullshit -- but more importantly, whom I love as my Progeny and my only friend and now literally my only person."
Jessica: "Oh, like Michael Jackson or Liberace. That you would just fire anybody who said no or noticed that you are full of it -- but you can't fire me, or eat my face, because that would hurt you."
Bill: "Yeah, like those. Or I was thinking actually Nicki Minaj."
Jessica: "Hoo. Got it. Pretty gettable. Didn't really need the history lesson."
Bill: "Aw, y... Oh, is this you starting? Are you already poking holes in my bullshit? This is going to be so fun. I can't wait!"

Bill: "Goodnight, Jess. You sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite... Your head off!"
Jessica: "The fuck?"
Bill: "I was trying to be darling. It just sounded weird out loud, sorry."
Jessica: "We can work on your sense of humor tomorrow. Now that apparently you're interested in having one for the first time in 200 years."

I love him. I started to love him last year, and then once he went full cultmember and kept lying about it and being like, "Maybe I am not in this cult, just kidding I totally am" I thought maybe he was going to be my favorite, but once he started brutally murdering everybody I just felt bad for him, and then he died, and now he's amazing. I am really, really looking forward to Bill this year.

It's like how this season of Mad Men everybody keeps saying "Don hasn't changed, except somehow to become worse!" and to me, it's the first time I've been interested by him or respected him at all, because: That's what the work looks like. That's what happens when you start digging, it's not pretty and you have weird responses and you look totally crazy and you pull shit on people and you keep looking over your shoulder at how easy it was when you sucked.

But ultimately I'm way more comfortable with people who are at least trying to come to grips with the whole of themselves, no matter how gracelessly, than I am with people like Original Bill, who tried so hard and so long to be normal and not dark at all that it literally killed him, along with at least 300 other people. You know what I mean? A lot of that garbage you only have to sort through once, and until you do it you're just drowning in it, your mind was designed to keep you safe while you do it, so stop being a pussy and go a little crazy. Drink a little Lilith, see what happens.

By Jacob Clifton

STILL DRIVING

Jason: "And now my sister's ex-BF is God and that's just a whole thing, and I think I'm going crazy..."
Old Creep: "Go on about that part. As long as you're fondling a gun at me in a none-too-subtle fashion, I should know how serious to take you."
Jason, verbatim: "I feel like that little gay boy from that movie, I see dead people."

There's my Jason. Took a whole hour, but that was quality.

Jason: "Did you know that M. Night Shyamalan wrote She's All That?"
Old: "What was the twist?"
Jason: "Usher has taught the entire high school a choreographed dance to a Fatboy Slim song. We the audience have no idea, and no clues to what is about to happen. He's just DJing at their Prom or whatever and he goes, 'Remember that dance we all know that I taught you?' and then they do the dance. They remember it."
Old: "What Fatboy Sl... No, wait, you were saying about how you're crazy?"
Jason: "It was the one that goes right about now funk soul brother over and over. I don't know how that entire senior class learned the whole thing. It was a very complicated dance!"

Old: "Seriously I am very interested in your family."
Jason: "Right, right. My dead parents are turning me back into a violent bigot."
Old: "Against who? Against creepy old dudes that are into picking up hot young guys in the middle of the night? I sure hope not."
Jason: "It is a burden -- the ghosts, not the racism -- because if I go to the 'bunny ranch,' who's going to save her from Warlow?"
Old: "Oh, you can't save Sookie from Warlow."
Jason: "Wait, what?"
Old: "Who the hell do you think I am?"
Jason: "Really I think you're Warlow! I would hazard that guess!"
Old: "That is a pretty good guess given the information available! Mwa-ha-ha!"

Poof! The Old is gone, the car is just driving itself. And then thanks to a tree, not even that.

By Jacob Clifton

CASTLE COMPTON

Bill: "I love just sitting in my parlor reading a book because I'm God and I don't have to sleep. It is nice to have some leisure time because the shit is going to hit the fan tomorrow, I bet."

Three Liliths call his name, and he sees scary chains with hooks like if Pinhead was coming over, so he investigates. There in the library, the three Liliths appear all around the room, bloody bushes proudly aloft. Blink, blank, blonk, blunk. They tell him to shush, but you can't tell Bill that. Never could, even before he was God. So then just like the wonderful song at the end of the episode, he's like, "Who are you, really?" And they're like, "Zooming up inside of you!" Purvis! Chantilly! Abednego!

WEEK

The Stackhouses meet a long-lost relative that probably one of them already met. Eric goes to bat for Tara and also to stop racism. Sookie meets a hottie, because more than eight hours without a boyfriend and you deserve to die. Ditto Sam, who meets a VUS "zealot" named Nicole and -- there it is -- has the balls to fight Martha (and thus Alcide) about Emma's welfare, which is zero point zero his concern. Bill learns about being God and also about having people zooming up inside you and what that's all about.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Mistresses, True Blood, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love. A new short story, "This Is Why We Jump," appeared in this month's Clarkesworld Magazine.