That was kind of horrible, I think. It was boring and embarrassing and weird a whole lot of the time. It was also the eighth episode, end of Act II, so I'm not going to throw down about it, but it was not very enjoyable on a viewership level, for me.
One nice thing is Jason's continuing sweetness toward Sookie, when he talks her out of "depleting her luminescence" by virtue of appealing to the fact that she is being dumb and that having any powers -- even weirdly troubled ones -- is still better than having no powers. So they run back to Faerieland to find out more about the powers, but instead of having a conversation about that, Claude and his sisters drag them out to the bridge where their parents die for the first of the episode's several séances. In so doing, Sookie learns that the floppy-hatted vamp (who bears a resemblance to Bill Compton, for what it's worth) is named "Warlow" I think? And now she's hallucinating him? I think the faeries are sketch as hell and I think they are incepting Sookie to use her as a weapon to clean up the fallen world so they can come back. That's what I think.
The other one million years of the episode had to do with werewolves, so that was fascinating. It seems more and more likely that Martha will end up Packmaster and it's like, on the one hand, that's awesome, but on the other hand, who gives a shit. Alcide has sex with Rikki for a million years and fights with JD for a million years and everybody makes wolf noises and it's unbelievably dorky, and then Alcide quits the Pack, I think.
Over on the Hate Group side, there was some good stuff. A fake fangbanger lures Jessica into a trap -- of James Bondian convenient complexity, of course -- so that Hoyt can have the opportunity to kill her. Surprisingly, he does not. They do kill one of the boys, and Hoyt runs off for help. Meanwhile, Sam has intimidated her location out of the guy he tackled in the hospital, so it's actually Sam and Andy that end up saving her... Just as a lost Hoyt is getting kidnapped by them yet again. Possibly by this "Dragon," who may or may not be Maxine Fortenberry, who may or may not be involved in this storyline at all.
Oh, and Luna skinwalks into Sam so that Sam Trammell can be an awesome actor some more, and they end up having some super sweet conversations -- Luna-as-Sam and Sam -- but before they can do it, which is obviously the thing that should happen, she turns back into Luna and then maybe dies. Is that how Tommy died? I can't even remember anymore.
Pam continues to be a kinda great mom, publicly dressing Tara down for being bitchy with a customer (one of Tara's many, many, infinitely many persecutors as a child) but privately serving the girl up, literally, down in the dungeon. Because of the other stuff going on with vampires in this episode, it seems more on-the-nose than it necessarily needs to be, but overall it's nice to see what Tara smiling actually looks like.
Um, either Patrick or Terry has to kill the other one if they want to end the ifrit curse; this is the end result of the séance that Holly and Arlene ask Lafayette to stage once he gets back from Mexico. Two cool things about this: Jesus carried a small vial of V in his first aid kit, which is obvious and neat in a worldbuilding way, and Jesus is now free to ride around with Lafayette holding gay hands together. For a storyline with a lot more going on in it than Terry's stuff, that sure didn't take long -- but now, like last year, they're starting to come together.
And then comes the Authority, who are now just Sanguinistas, and Eric resentfully becomes the Bill of the group while Bill becomes ... Whatever he is becoming. Nora pities Eric for not understanding her religious zealotry, Eric feels trapped by his sister-girlfriend and dork-boyfriend getting in over their heads, and Bill -- having joined a cult and become addicted to a drug made of God, then all weirded out by a flashback to his daughter back in the Civil War that makes the whole thing feel really overdetermined and sneaky -- comes up with the master stroke of this whole Vampire War they've been teasing: Blow up the five Tru Blood factories, and the starving mainstreamers will take care of the problem themselves. Which is genius.
Week: The new shape of the season will become clearer, one assumes, leading into the big finale. Bill joins Salome on a more permanent basis, we learn more about Sookie's weird connection to this mysterious new vampire, and the Sanguinistas bring the fight to Fangtasia! (and possibly everywhere?). Oh, and speaking of the multiple cults on this show, Russell makes his debut at the Shreveport Pack -- which could signal a doublecross. But then, the Authority has had so little consistency that Russell, Bill, Nora and Eric could be working as moles and nobody'd ever figure it out.
PREVIOUSLY
Hoyt joined a hate group for no real reason. Holly talked Arlene into believing in Terry's smoke monster, is a thing that happened on this television show. Emma almost took V, but Martha stepped in, and Alcide's still looking to upset her husband's Russell's culty hold on the Pack. Lafayette walked straight into a nasty little spell in Mexico, to free Jesus's spirit. Sookie learned her blood was responsible for her parents' death, and decided to become human. Salome and Russell took control of the Authority, which tells you what they are worth, and then everybody took drugs made out of God and went out for a little late-night massacre, which Godric ruined for Eric as is his wont.
HOSPITAL
Oh, and Sam took down a mean hate grouper masquerading as a nurse in the hospital; presumably he was there to take out Luna and/or Sam, but now he's in Andy's custody.
Luna: "Can a girl get a nap in this place without people trying to murder her?"
Sam: "It's fine. Kevin's stationed outside, reading his Archie comics with his lips moving, so you're good."
Luna: "Or we could just go kill everybody."
Sam: "You just rest now, okay? I'll take up the false-equivalency cause where their racism makes me a racist."
Luna: "Do nothing? Stay in your room? Be helpless?"
She turns into Sam.
Luna: "...Did I actually just get shorter?"
AUTHORITY
All of the Authority giggles and acts high. Russell slaps Steve Newlin's ass like he's a pony, which is adorable in one way but really kind of offensive in another way. Candyman trips out on a lamp. Barb acts kooky. Russell, awwwww, looks longingly at a portrait that either resembles, or actually is of, nasty old Talbot. Nora and Salome make out. Bill and Eric do not.
Eric: "This is not so great. This is when you leave the party."
Bill: "I am going through some private things right now."
Eric: "Guys? What is even going on right now."
Salome: "Stuff about Lilith! We did drugs that were God!"
Eric: "You look dumb. Everything is dumb."
Nora: "Orrrrr is it awesome?"
Bill: "The latter!"
Eric: "Oh boy."
STACKHOUSE
Sookie: "Get out of me, powers!"
Jason: "Sookie, cut it out."
She fairy-whomps him across the property, but then pulls her shit together.
Jason: "You got me in the head!"
Sookie: "I'm just depleting my luminescence, no big deal."
Jason: "Well, that's stupid. How come?"
Sookie: "I hear voices all the time? I'm the town retard? Vampires all over the place all the time?"
Jason: "Yeah, so what you should do is send up a flare where they all know where you are."
Sookie: "You wouldn't get it. I was at the motherfucking bank the other day, and the dude in line is thinking about sucking my toes. My little piggies, and his mouth on them. Do you know what that does to a chick's day?"
Jason: "Oh my God, gross."
Sookie: "Yeah and it was Mike Spencer, so..."
That was actually the act-out, but it's funny. Also, how come he's suddenly part of every scene and conversation? It's fishy.
Sookie: "Okay, or like, remember how I caused our parents' death? I just want to be normal."
Jason: "That sounds wrong to me. If you were normal, for starters, no Bill Compton."
Sookie: "That is exactly what I..."
Jason: "No, you really loved him. He was your first love. That's not something everybody gets, to be in love with the person that is in love with you. Thing two, you got to talk to Gran after she died. Even more unlikely."
Sookie: "Okay, valid."
Jason: "You have a piece of our parents in you. That's awesome. And even if you get rid of it, neither of us are going to feel normal until we solve their murder. And you know what would really help with that?"
Sookie: "Magic powers?"
Jason: "Magic powers."
Sookie: "Okay, I'm an idiot."
Jason: "You're a Stackhouse, ain't you?"
HOSPITAL
Sam Trammel as Sam Merlotte as Luna comes prancing out in her hospital gown, determined to go (Where? And for what purpose?)
Kevin, effeminate: "Mr. Merlotte? Didn't you just leave a second ago?"
Sam, moreso: "Mind your business, bitch!"
FANGTASIA!
Lonely fucking Jessica is watching a stripper, dancing, and there's a lot of hair-touching from her end. A lady alone on a dancefloor, I don't know what it is but it's hard to look at when it's like this; I just love how she spent four weeks at that party at the Castle and has now been here for roughly the same amount of time. A guy who is clearly one of Hoyt's new friends comes over, tarted up even more mortifyingly than the usual fangbangers. I guess after five years of this show we're familiar enough with how things work that you can see this guy on the screen and go, "Pssh, wannabe." You know what I mean? Like fangbangers are a thing and we can tell. But we always can, can't we.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
- 17
- 18
- 19
- 20
Obvious Drainer: "Hey, I seen you."
(That's literally all he says. I mean, he's hot, but he just goes, "I seen you.")
Drainer: "Why don't you come with me to a second location?"
Jessica: "Sure, that sounds totally normal."
AUTHORITY
Salome/Nora: "[We witnessed a miracle, we saw God, She smiled on us, blah blah.]
Russell: "I believe in God now, and PS she has great tits."
Stevie Newlin: "Me too or something!"
Babyeater: "That was a good baby I ate."
Salome: "Totally! Plus, our drug-induced hallucinations somehow prove that you can eat babies now. That's why I ordered up a bunch of terrified people-food to put in the jails."
Babyeater: "Can I have another baby? Lilith wants me to eat a baby I think."
Salome: "Sure, whatever! And a baby for Nigel, comin' right up."
Eric: "...I'm going to bed."
Bill stares into space. Eric gives him the wide-eyed jaw drop of pissy girlfriends eternal. Bill does not respond. Eric puts his hands on his hips and fakes a yawn. Bill crosses his arms over his chest. Eric leans down over the back of the couch and smacks his tongue disapprovingly. Bill shifts, nervous, but does not give in. Eric sits on the arm of the couch to him, tapping his watch-face subtly; Bill starts a conversation with whoever is to his right. Finally Eric stands directly in front of him.
Eric: "Ahem. I am going to bed, Bill."
Bill: "...Goodnight."
Eric, stomping away: "Men!"
SHREVEPORT
Alcide and Rikki have wolf sex for a million years. On the one hand, Alcide's body is what pays the bills. On the other hand, wolf sex is even more embarrassing to watch than regular sex. One million years later, they talk about maybe she is his girlfriend. It is even less awesome than it sounds. At one point, he throws her onto the bed -- you know, like how wolves do that -- and then leaps onto her like a mighty leaping jaguar. It is so, so dumb.
AUTHORITY
Bill is summoned to Salome's chambers (formerly the Guardian's) for a late-night snack.
Stripper: "Please don't eat me! I have a four-month-old daughter, Destineé is her name!"
Bill: "Ah thank you, but Ah must admit Ah do not hungah currently."
Salome: "Who are you to refute God's plan? Feed on this woman as Lilith has commanded!"
Stripper: "What? That doesn't even make sense!"
Salome: "I mean, we weren't going to go back to Tru Blood after this. Come on. Yeah, we all did it because we were on drugs, but think of it more as a gateway, literally. You know, like how this whole show is about repression and abandon? We broke ourselves. On God."
Bill: "Ah will not be bullied! Understand this. Ah have fathered children. Ah cannot take this woman away from her daughter..."
Stripper: "-- Destineé!"
Bill: "Ah thank you. Ah cannot deprive sweet Destineé of her mother's company."
Salome: "If you really loved your human children, why didn't you make them vampyr? Keep them with you forever, in vampyr form?"
FLASHBACK
Oh, Jesus.
Old-Timey Nurse: "Miss Sarah, a weirdo is here."
Sarah, who is Old: "Fatha?"
Bill: "Mah angel."
Sarah, Plain & Old-Timey: "Am Ah in Heaven?"
Bill: "No, mah child. Heaven's golden fields, Ah fear, Ah shall never see."
Sarah: "Then how come you look like that? All pasty and young?"
Bill: "Ah... Appear to you as Ah did when you were a child?"
Sarah: "Okay wait so you're not an angel, and you're not a ghost because that lady showed you in here... What the fuck is going on?"
Bill: "Perhaps Ah have already told you too much."
Sarah: "Uh, just explain this shit and we won't have a problem."
Bill: "Ah thank Ah should take mah leave..."
Sarah: "No, you motherfucker! Is this some kind of... Can you make me immortal?"
Bill: "Ah could, indeed. It would be rather easy. But Ah shall not do that. Ah just came to watch you die, knowing that Ah could keep you from dying. And make sure that you know it."
Sarah: "...That is kind of a clown deal, bro. You really didn't think this out, huh?"
Bill: "Ah confess, Ah did not. But do you not see the tears pouring down my cheeks, child? It is very hard on my tender heart, to pull this shit on you."
Sarah: "Just ... do whatever you're gonna do, okay? You're being a real dick."
Bill: "It is mah main thing, Sarah."
Sarah: "PLEASE! FIX ME! DADDY PLEEEEEEEE..."
Dead.
AUTHORITY
Salome: "God chose us to make in His true likeness to transcend childish human notions of morality!"
Stripper: "Oh my God, even I'm getting sick of this shit. Just let me go, okay? NBD."
(Salome, without looking, slaps a hand over the chick's mouth. It is pretty stellar.)
Salome: "To refuse God's gift to us is blasphemy!"
Bill: "Sure, that checks out."
They eat the lady. None of this is making any sense at all. But I guess it was about how he was standing there wanting to eat the lady, and really Salome just had to say a certain number of words -- heartbeat in his ear, drugs in his system -- before he was like, "Fine. You know what? I'll join your religion." But the thing I still don't get is, how does the flashback help with that? Maybe because it was one of his first big self-loathing moments, where he was like, "I hate what I so much that I'm actually doing you a favor by being this cruel and cold-blooded and selfish," and now looking back he sees it was totally loose-butthole for him to even do that?
So then if his whole Dexter Morgan rat-eater code all these centuries was pinned to this idea of like, "I believe in mainstreaming so much because I have to because of Sarah," then it's like a double-twist Mobius strip of solving two wrongs with a right? Does that work? It untwists itself to, "I shouldn't have done that to Sarah, because vampires are awesome, so therefore I'm going to eat Destineé's stripper mom and that's fine, because now I'm joining a religion that says it was the right thing to do all along, and also I'm no drugs." That's the only way it makes sense, I guess. Especially considering we've known his whole personality is a sham since like Season One, it actually does make a lot of sense.
In a way, it's almost healthier in some respects -- minus the collateral damage -- because he never did it right in the first place. He wasn't mainstreaming because he loved humans, he was mainstreaming because he hated himself. And now he's got God in him, flowing through him like -- Erik brought this up last week -- how Lafayette always said you get a little bit of the vampire when you drink them, you know, which is why Bill and Sam had all that sex that time. (In my mind! But also in theirs, remember? Or how Lafayette and Eric basically dated for a minute that one time because of it, and Eric thought it was sooo funny and Lala thought it was soooo gross. God that was great.) Anyway, they pray and eat the lady at the same time, with God all up in their vampire organs, and then probably they have sex. Or are going to.
Eric, baby? Get the fuck out. Don't grab your stuff, don't even talk to Molly, just get the hell up out of there, because you've been boxed out in a major way. You already know. Freakin' dead people told you to get out of there. And you know once Bill Compton goes dark, everything goes to hell for at least an episode or two.
Here's what you do, just go find Sookie and Pam. One of them will know what to do, and the other one will fuck things up so bad you might actually have a shot in all the ensuing chaos.
Oh but wait, they did all that Releasing and Glamouring on everybody before they came here, huh? So really, he's truly all alone. Poor little Northman, I didn't think of that. And Alcide, who is like his only other buddy, is too busy reveling in the grossness that is weredom. Nora's a disaster, Queen Sophie-Anne's dead, Russell's probably got something up his sleeve but is still in Talbot mode regardless of whatever other things he's got going on -- plus he is bananas and a huge hassle -- so what else. Consider your imperative and your resources. What are they? Molly? She's still cool. Oh! Seduce Steve Newlin? That's all I got. Nine out of ten times I'm already thinking that anyway, so that probably doesn't help. Sorry.
WHISKEY TANGO
Racists: "Whoo!"
Hoyt: "I'm not sure where we are or how we got here, because it's far from civilization. That's probably going to be important later."
The racists -- there's a long reveal, but whatever -- the racists, of course, have Jess tied up in a back room, against the wall, silvered so tight and haphazardly she can barely move. Rather than beating them all to death and getting her out of there, Hoyt just acts conflicted. Conflicted, motherfucker? All I got, still, is that she glamoured him. And I don't mean that in an eye-for-an-eye way, I mean it like how I always talk about Tara, how killing the Black-Eyed Girl created Maryann, and then Sookie and Bill faery/vampire double-glamoured her, which made her susceptible to becoming Franklin Mott's prisoner, and so on.
Without anything else to work with except for 1) the Tara examples 2) his intense fangbanger turn and 3) Ginger's crazy blank eyes, don't forget about those and how they happened, I have chosen to believe that Jessica glamouring Hoyt, and him finding out about that violation and the nature of it -- love, especially theirs, being such a powerful and spiritual thing -- caused him to swing so far over to the other side of that that he feels a thing for her that is the magical opposite of their magical love, a word we don't have a word for, like, not just hate, but something metaphysical, like this noxious Lovecraftian outcropping on his literal soul, and that's why he's driven to join these less-enlightened people in his retrograde journey. I don't know, it really does make sense to me in this universe, so even if it's just retcon plaster to make more sense of this awful, ugly, sad story, I can still roll with that.
Racists: "Okay so we're going to lock you two in here and not open the door until we hear you shooting her dead. You cool with that?"
Hoyt: "...Maybe."
It's ridiculously complex for no reason beyond the obvious escape that's going to happen, but points for kind of earning it by having him point the gun at her head and think about it for a while. Which kind of makes him irredeemable, but at least this dumb plotpoint is easier to swallow. Meanwhile Jessica's just like, "How about you don't kill me? Sizzle sizzle." Which would be nice if it were an act, because the second I got free? I'd drain that motherfucker dry. Point a gun at me, no sir. No sir.
FAERIE NONSENSE
The Stackchildren go back to Faerielande! and ask about the "other powers" they don't know about, specifically if they can help track down the person that killed their parents. The other fae are dicey about this, because Sookie is off her rocker most of the time and they don't need the hassle, and then Jason pulls a little boner:
Jason: "Y'all better speak up! Do you have any idea what it feels like to find out that your parents were murdered by a freaking vampire?"
All the faeries around the place start stumbling around in fear and whispering and generally acting like the Munchkins right before Elphie arrives, and Claude is like, "Oy with these country cousins." Additionally, the vibe now is that they didn't want Hadley telling Sookie or Jason about their parents for exactly this reason: Drama. Like they aren't interested in dealing with stuff in Bon Temps Dimension when their whole deal is about staying out of both places.
Claude: "You cannot come in here screaming about vampires. Do you hayseeds not understand the word 'refuge'? What the hell."
Claudette: "I know how we can help..."
Claude: "Claudette!"
Claudette: "What."
Claude: "Fine, okay. I love you both, and we've been taking care of you guys forever, and you're just going to have to understand that part of our relationship, that we care about you and you don't even know us, because that's a main part of this arrangement. Having said that, try to show a little class, and we will take you out for a field trip and teach you more powers."
Jason: "Field trip?"
Claude: "Yeah. The bridge where your parents were murdered. Meet me there at noon."
Sookie: "...That's so crazy! I completely forgot you could even do stuff in the daytime."
BTPD
Hospital Racist: "[Chik-Fil-A Appreciation nonsense.]"
Andy: "You've been trash a long time, and I've seen you here more often than out there, but I swear to God you're going to prison this time unless you tell me where you assholes spend your time. I will taser your nutsack."
Hospital Racist: "Fuck you, shifterlover."
Sam: "Andy, could I get a moment alone with this dude? Go get some coffee."
Andy: "Fine. Hope you enjoy small-town justice, jerk."
Sam takes off his pants, which excites the racist to no end -- you know how those guys are -- but no, it's just to transform into a swaying King Cobra. Which also gets his heartrate up.
Then Luna comes running in outside, which confuses Andy for a second, and they both go back into the room, where Sam is putting his pants back on, and updates Andy about the Jessica situation and where their safehouse is... And then notices Luna. I don't think, at any point, that Andy realizes what's going on.
Sam: "Holy shit. What the hell happened?"
Sam: "How the fuck should I know? I was in my room and the thing I know I'm you."
Sam: "Okay, it's okay."
Sam: "Um, okay? I'm fucked. Remember how Tommy died from too much shifting?"
Sam: "No, I forgot that was a thing we believe. But didn't Tommy really die from a beating that came back when he was Tommy again?"
Sam: "No, I'm pretty sure it was skinwalking that did it."
Sam: "Well, we're going to take care of you. Don't assume the worst."
They make out and it gets real steamy and Andy and the racist can't look away. Just kidding, they hug and it's strange for everybody. Here's my question: What is the point to this? The last time, Tommy-being-Sam, was one of the saddest and best storylines on the show because it was actually about something. What's this about? Luna's powerlessness? You'd pick somebody that doesn't wear a Boys Medium, wouldn't you? Is it somehow about Sam learning to love Sam? I could get behind that, but the show won't.
Sam's storyline is seemingly about reverse racism (still not a thing) and Luna's just his justification for it, so... Maybe that's it, maybe she's just the Sarah/Destineé's Mom that Sam's willing to sacrifice so he'll have something to justify his own murderous impulses. Nah, that's dumb. Still, I can't imagine that they just said, "It's funny when other people are Sam, because Trammell's good at that, and there's only one skinwalker on the show now, so I guess it'll just randomly happen." That sounds unlikely, right? Like, you would say, "So then why would it happen and how does that tie in to this pretty awesome season thematically." Because I don't get it, and they keep asking it on the show -- why did this happen, why did you suddenly skinwalk into Sam of all people -- so there is an answer. Hmm.
That's more sustained thinking about Sam Merlotte than I have done in five years. And got nowhere. Moral of the story?
FAERIE NONSENSE
It's kind of cute, Claude walking down to the gully under the bridge holding Sookie's hand, while behind them Jason follows up with a girl-fae (Claudrina -- "Ol' Ceiling Eyes," as she's known in the faerie community -- and Claudstina, a former Manson Girl) holding each of his. Sometimes it's just nice to hold hands, when you're hiking with cousins.
Claude: "So Sookie, there is absolutely no guarantee that what we're about to try will work."
Stacks: "What are we about to try?"
Claude: "Everything is made of energy. Albert Einstein..."
Claudrina: "-- Who was a halfling just like you, Sookie..."
Ugh. No. I can't do it. I can't possibly be expected to deal with that. Anyway, they all hold hands in a circle so that Sookie can vibe the vibes of a murder and/or have racist anti-vampire memories implanted by the sketchy faeries. Speaking of:
Claude: "And since your strongest connection is with your mother..."
On which I have to call bullshit. One of the proofs -- besides Bill's Big Book O' Genes -- that the faerie line came down through Corbett from Adele's infidelity was that Michelle kind of hated them, because she was obsessed with Corbett and they were beside the point, because he was half-faerie. That's the show, not the book (right?). And even if, we have never seen her mother, in all these flashbacks, once even look Sookie in the eye. It was a major Adele thing, actually, that whole deal of how Gran was the maternal energy for both Sookie and Tara because their moms were crazy and/or bitches. But I guess since Jason's whole obsession with this relates entirely to their father, we have to do it this way or else it sends off into meanings that don't signify. I don't know, I just think there should be a better way.
FLASHBACK!
Michelle's perfume, and then that night. It was rainy. And they were driving on the bridge, right, and then V For Vendetta was standing there, and the car stopped, and both Corbett and Michelle seemed to know what he was or what was happening, and I guess the kids were asleep in the very back or something, because they're not in the backseat? This whole thing, very confusing. Michelle's not fae, Corbett's like Jason I think and doesn't smell like a faerie, but so anyway this vampire eats them, and then finds the Band-Aid in the backseat...
And then suddenly Sookie's the vampire, looking across the jump seat at Claudine -- hey girl! -- who blasts him with faerie light, too late as usual.
Claudine: "Stop! Warlow, leave the girl alone!"
The faerie blast knocks Sookie on her ass, and everybody mills around looking weirded. I guess this isn't how it worked back when Albert Einstein The Fairy used to do things, but it's exactly the same thing as happens to Sookie every day of her life.
WHISKEY TANGO
Jessica: "Hoyt? How about you take this silver off me."
Hoyt: "You're already dead. Shooting you wouldn't be murder. You fucked my best friend. You sucked his dick. You broke my goddamn heart. And I fucking loved you."
Jessica: "I know you did."
Hoyt, sad enough: "So why don't you love me anymore?"
Jess: "I wanted to love you. I even prayed for it to come back. It just ... didn't. It ain't never gonna. I'm sorry."
Outside, the racists are watching some kind of nature doc about "...It tries to tear him apart..." when they hear the gunshots. They open up the door, and Jessica snaps the neck of the one that brung 'er, and they realize that, it being daytime, Jessica's just stuck in the shack now. Hoyt promises to go find help -- this is one of those times where people don't have phones, I guess, in 2012 -- and fires off a last "Fuck you, Jess" over his shoulder. Just in case you were interested in ever caring about Hoyt again.
CHEZ LALA
Arlene and Holly are there when Lafayette gets home from Mexico, and he is ... pretty incandescent.
Lala: "Unless y'all are here to tell me I done goddamn won the lottery, get out my face."
Ladies: "Blah blah."
Lala: "Hooker, I ain't in the helping business no more, I'm in the fuck off while I smoke a blunt business. And business is about to pick way the fuck up."
Arlene: "[The Terry situation.]"
Lala: "So he's off his meds. Not my problem. Fuck off."
Arlene: "We just figured maybe it's a real fire monster demon thing, maybe it's not, but either way he believes it's true. So let's convince him otherwise."
Holly: "Do your medium thing and tell him the Iraqi lady will agree to lift the curse."
Lala: "Fifty bucks. Now I'm about to slip my ass in this tub and get high as a motherfucker, so enjoy your day."
Yes. Get the actual medium to actually lie, and then if the fire monster comes, Terry can just pass on that news. "Sorry, no. She like just was saying it's fine. Oh, did you not get her ghost text on your monster phone? No worries! Sorry about the inconvenience."
WHISKEY TANGO
Hoyt's gone by the time Sam and Andy and Sam arrive to help Jessica, so they're all hummed up thinking they get to fight more racists but no, it's just dead Reggie on the floor, and nobody even knows where Hoyt is.
Sam: "...You smell that?"
Sam: "Yeah, a woman... Was a woman here? A human one?"
Jessica: "No, just guys. Gross ones, kind of white-trash hot."
Sam: "Well, there was a woman here, too. A big one."
Sam: "Lousy diet... Cheetos... Mello Yello..."
Sam: "Menthols, too."
Suddenly the Luna Sam doubles over in pain, and everybody is forced to give a shit about her some more.
FAERIE NONSENSE
Sookie: "First I was Mama, I saw what she was seeing. Then I was the vampire, I saw what he saw."
Claude: "Nope. Fairies cannot make contact with vampires."
Sookie: "I know, it's a beast. That was like the first two years of this show."
Claude: "This is, um, fucked. You psychically bonded to a vampire? Why did we even try this?"
Sookie: "Because of Albert Einstein or some shit?"
Claude: "Yeah, but there was no reason to think we'd make some sort of connection to a fucking vampire. The thing about dead-people memories is, they're dead. But you hooked up to a live wire. I mean, the Elder Faeries are going to be furious..."
Jason, verbatim: "I don't give a twirly fuck about your Elders. What I care about is this vampire! We gotta find him, and make him pay for what he did."
Claude: "Sure. We just have to be smart about it. You saw Claudine, you said?"
Sookie, in a British accent: "Leave the girl alone! And then she zapped me."
Jason: "Well, this was a goddamn bust, fairy-boy. Sookie had a horrible experience, and what'd we learn about this vampire? Diddly fucking squat!"
Just to say, the faeries in the books are a mixed bag, but there are a few -- three in particular, four if you count one that's already died on the show -- that I really love. And the further we get, between Claude looking like he does -- don't get me wrong, I'm super down with how he looks -- and Jason's particular approach, I'm beginning to wonder if we'll meet them at all. Maybe it's for the best. Anyway, Jason's bitching and then Sookie remembers her memories more clearly.
Sookie: "Wait, Claudine called me by my name. Not my name, the vampire's name I mean. Does the name Warlow mean anything to you?"
Claude: "No, but clearly Claudine knew who he was..."
Dude just looked like Bill. That's it. I'm going to be so relieved when somebody named Warlow shows up looking all Mr. Boogedy. But I can't figure who else it would be, because of this strange occurrence where she "bonded" to a vampire for the first time in all recorded faestory, like, QSA and Hadley had a thing, and Sookie was with two vampires pretty exclusively, so what's the third element? Are there any Stackhouses that could have been turned into vampires?
I feel like I'm misremembering some of the geneology here, actually. Who was the old guy in Mab's kingdom, was that Adele's husband? Also a fairy. So the cheating thing never happened on the show? I'm so confused. It's my job to know this stuff and I can't quite seem to... Just wait, I guess.
FANGTASIA!
A woman who is clearly a bitch rolls up on Tara, who's back behind the bar, and orders a strawberry daiquiri before she recognizes Tara.
Tracy: "Tara Thornton! When's the last time I saw you, high school? Well how are you?"
Tara: Fangs.
Tracy: "That is crazy! Now you're a member of two minorities!"
Tara: "So you're still the worst, huh. Here's your drink."
Tracy: "Um, I am just so relieved to see you holding down a steady job -- I know your mama used to drink, so -- but I didn't order this, I said vodka tonic."
Hip to her own behavior, Tara starts inching down the bar away from delicious bitchy Tracy.
Tracy: "Well, it's fine. Never mind. If you're too lazy to fix your own mistake..."
Tara: "Excuse me?"
Tracy: "You're the same as you were in high school, Jeez! All uppity."
Tara: "Fuckin' uppity? Listen, you white trash fucktwat, we're not in high school anymore. So if you let any more of that racist bullshit fall out of your mouth I'm gonna rip open your heart and fry it up. With some grits and collard greens."
To be served with a delicious AIDS burger. Chock full of AIDS.
Pam: "TARA! Ma'am, I apologize. Tara's new. And stupid. Drink's on the house."
Tracy: "I've known Tara since high school. Even back then she had trouble ... connecting with folks."
Tara: "I connected with your boyfriend well enough to fuck him."
Tracy: "Well. I don't live in the past, Tara, I live in the present. In a four-bedroom house. With a BMW in the garage. So enjoy your little job, barkeep!"
(This, I think, is where Pam decides that Tracy will pay.)
Tara: "Oh, fuck you."
Pam: "Tara, that's enough. Don't you get uppity with me. Y'hear?"
Maybe it's being from Texas, but I just don't... This slave thing they are doing with Pam and Tara, I realize that probably Tara would think it's funnier than I do, but I just don't... It falls under "things we're allowed to say that you are not," like at the beginning of the season where everything was weird and it was like, Privilege is not caring whether something is okay or not, because at least you get to giggle at minorities if the show gives you permission. Like if a person who's clearly a bad guy or closeted homosexual calls somebody a faggot, it's funny a couple times, but eventually it's just the show saying faggot? Probably the tipping point on that is different for every person, but the dynamic, this tiny little back-and-forth, just seems a little cheesy and crummy to me.
WEREWOLF NONSENSE
Some Guy: "Here's JD! He's the worst and he's on drugs!"
Werewolves: "Just like us!"
Some Guy: "Here's Alcide! He's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life!"
Werewolves: "Undeniably!"
Some Guy: "Now they are going to fight or something!"
Werewolves: "It was inevitable really!"
The Drill: "Candidates -- either in wolf or human form -- will track, capture, and kill the quarry animal..."
JD: "But instead of a deer or a wild boar like usual, we're going to hunt this tiny college track star! In human form! The opposite, basically, of the rules you just said!"
Werewolves: "You're like Sarah Palin right now! It is awesome"
Alcide: "I don't know about all this."
Track Star: "My dad's a councilman! He'll give you anything!"
JD: "WE ARE ON DRUGS!"
Alcide: "You guys, this is gross."
What Alcide does not exactly say but pretty much says, "I'm beginning to wonder why I spend any time with you guys at all, much less care about becoming your leader. I realize that he's got you into a drug cult, but surely at some point your self-respect has got to kick in. I mean, you realize you're cheering for aggravated murder at this point? Of an innocent child? You guys made that connection yet?"
JD: "Okay, are you forfeiting?"
Alcide: "I guess. This is super nasty."
JD: "Okay cool, then I'm the Packmaster... And I'm still going to hunt this child through the forest! Haha, you hoser."
AUTHORITY
Nora: Acting all culty around the Lilith reliquary, like she probably does all night long now.
Eric: "Nora, you have become utterly insufferable. Remember how we love each other so much?"
Nora: "Yeah! That's why I got you into my cult. So we could chill."
Eric: "Lilith is not... A thing. You hallucinated her."
Nora: "Hogwash!"
Eric: "It is not hogwash! Look, Godric was there and he told me you were being real gross. And I'm the big brother, I told him I'd take care of you."
She thinks about thinking about that, but her crazed head immediately tips to the side and all the thinking falls out.
Nora: "Eric, we both loved Godric. He gave us the most magnificent gift. And when he made us, he was as pure a vampire as I've ever known. Salome's strength and vision would have delighted him... But remember Godric at the end? When he'd lost his way? The Godric you say you saw last night was a perversion. In his final days, Godric was a blasphemer. A weak, disgusting apologist whom Lilith herself would have been overjoyed to stake."
Eric: "...The fuck?"
They tussle. It's sad and ugly and inevitable. But also, how did that even happen? "Brother, father, son, lover, it's been great hanging out with you for thousands of years and we've got a good thing going, but how about we get you a little sister?"
Nora: "Fuck Godric. Lilith will show you the way."
They both feel sorry for each other, but they both know it's over. ERIC! YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! (I think of the relevant quote in that post -- it's about seven scroll-clicks down, if you actually clicked it -- about ten times a day and it's a particular sadness in my life that not once has it been an appropriate thing to scream out loud, but I scream it quietly a lot. I still feel like one day I will get to use it in a recap of this show. Seems likely.)
But also, let's revisit Godric. Of course, his meeting the sun was the high point of the series to date, that whole episode was genius, and he definitely was down with mainstreaming. Everybody, presumably including the Authority, loved him. He wasn't much, he didn't have official power, because he was becoming a saint. But also, he committed suicide. Tried more than once, actually. Because he was so far from Lilith that he went past mainstreaming and down to the other side, where vampires were a plague, and the only thing he could really do was immolate himself. (I didn't even mean to use that word, I meant "like a monk would," as a metaphor, but of course he actually did.)
It's like how Anna Paquin said about him, the last hope for peace had to die, because there is no hope for peace. That's still so true, and so awful. But so good! So much good and so much love came out of that moment; it flicked the beaker on a lot of people and made them crystallize into other shapes: Eric, obviously, in several ways. Sookie, I think, more than she knew. You know? But in the end, I'm not sure Godric was right. He wasn't a plague. He was wonderful. His children are wonderful. Their children are wonderful. He brought light and love into the world, and taught by example.
You get so tied up into what is nature and what is not nature, you know? By his logic, death is natural and vampires are not. But I tend to think that most things are nature. Like, iPods are nature. I think this focus on defining nature to be certain things is just as silly and dumb and destructive as not being mindful of the way we use nature, because either way you make it about you. It's prideful. I think it's safer, spiritually and mentally, to deal with what you've got. You don't have to overcorrect and get silly about it, just be aware of the reality of what is going on, right here in 2012. Penicillin and the internet are both gifts from God. You shouldn't worry so much. It'll give you cancer, same as an iPod factory.
Vampires are part of nature because they are part of nature. You know what I mean? They're right there, look at them. And the Sanguinists are like, they can't handle that either, so they have to be the best thing in nature. Godric vs. Lilith, then, is in this way kind of like Christian Scientist vs. Baptist. Total noninterference vs. Total dominion.
But who does any of that really feed?
And how is that when we ask that question, it always comes down to Eric? All season long, he's been this moral swing vote about this stuff, and it's because of Godric. It breaks my heart to think about the situation being reversed, if Bill stayed the Boy Scout and Eric was the convert, because I know if that happened the first thing I'd think would be, "Call on Godric." Does that make sense?
SAM & SAM
Sam holds Sam on the couch and they cry. Sam is dying, and Sam doesn't believe she's dying, so he just holds Sam closer and says Sam things to him.
Sam: "You called me a psycho last week, when Sookie came to visit."
Sam: "It's just a word. I didn't mean it. I love you, Sam!"
Sam: "I love you too, Sam. I guess I'm a hothead."
Sam: "Sam, we have that in common."
Sam: "We have a lot in common, Sam."
Sam: "I love you, baby. And you are incredibly handsome."
Sam: "You too. That was funny! But it also gave me an idea."
Too late, Sam dies. Poor Sam.
Poor us, though. Mostly poor us. That was about to get awesome.
FANGTASIA!
Pam: "Tara, we need to talk about your attitude."
Tara: "I'm going to stall while I make this guy a margarita."
Pam glamours the guy to just drink a flat beer somebody left on the bar, and drags Tara down into the dungeon where Eric threw that guy's leg at Lafayette that time, when Pam was dyeing his hair. Also where everybody fucks everybody all the time. Tied up on that very torture post, now, is Tracy from high school! Cryin' and a-shiverin'. And as uncomfortable as I am with all this -- in the midst of the Sanguinist, Ayn Rand stuff -- it occurs to me that a callback to the first seasons is actually appropriate: Pam and Eric haven't shied away from this shit before, it's just that we were never on their side when they did. We were down in the basement with the humans when those things happened. Which makes this smarter and also easier to swallow, this bit: It's nothing new.
Pam: "This is yours. After the shit she was slinging, she owes you."
Tara: "Thought you were mad..."
Pam, verbatim: "You don't know me that well. My mad face and my happy face are the same."
To Tracy: "You are worthless. Your only purpose is to serve Tara Thornton. You will worship Tara. Everything about her is a revelation. You exist only for Tara's nourishment. You will consider it a privilege to let your racist peckerwood blood shoot into her gorgeous cocoa mouth. You are an unpaid food whore. A slave. And Tara is your master."
Tracy begs and is gross in many ways, and Pam leaves Tara to it. What with Bill resisting and finally eating that stripper, though, it's interesting. I still feel like I haven't fully thought this one through, because the episode was so dumb in so many ways, but there's something here. Something about power, and getting permission to do things you already wanted to do... Jason talks Sookie into staying a faerie, and she turns into a vampire. Bill recalls his daughter, and it makes him a Sanguinist. Tara falls under the spell of the bullying hierarchy and it threatens to turn her back into a snivel-bitch, so Pam gives her enough rope? Something about glamouring, something about control. Not sure I see it yet. Is it better that Pam glamoured Tracy, instead of just slapping a hand over her mouth? She was tied up when Tara got there, but now she just wants to be food. It delights her, she delights in it. Is that how Godric's line splits the difference?
WEREWOLF NONSENSE
JD catches the kid, and then Alcide jumps on him, and they werewolf-fight -- meaning they do their damndest to not look like idiots while hopping around and growling, like they aren't full-grown men doing this for a paycheck -- and JD calls Alcide "self-righteous," and just before JD brains everybody with a rock, Martha once again appears out of nowhere, to own his ass and be the obvious best Packmaster.
Martha: "This is no way to begin your tenure, by murdering your challenger. Killing him only tarnishes the whole Pack."
JD: "How can you stand up for him?"
Martha: "I am standing up for all of us. Including you."
Alcide goes off into the forest, because fuck these guys. If only. If only that were the end of it. But I doubt highly that it would be.
CAMP BELLEFLEUR
This is the fastest, weirdest scene in the whole thing. It takes five seconds. Terry and Patrick show up, and Lafayette's wearing a head wrap and the whole thing, and Arlene and Holly have witched the place all to hell, candles -- which Terry quickly blows out, because duh -- and everything, and they hold hands after endless bitching, and Lala pretends to do his medium thing, and then immediately it becomes real.
Lafayette: "She here for fucking real this time. Her name is Zaafira. She pissed. And she don't wanna forgive either one of y'all."
Der. And there are ghost effects, and Holly's saying this mortifying shit like, "Ozone! You get that when spirits breach the corporeal plane!" and "I feel an electrical charge! This is definitely spirit activity!" and it's so retarded and then the lady comes into Lafayette's mouth for no reason, and he yells some Arabic for no reason, and then the lady goes back out of him so he can explain what she just said, which is obviously that Terry needs to kill Patrick.
(I was hoping it wouldn't be so explicit -- like at some point Patrick would double-cross Terry for some reason and accidentally die and the ifrit would be like, "I am appeased!" -- but either way this is what needs to happen, for sure. Not that there's any way you could possibly give a shit about Terry after this. He shot a lady in the face like ten times for no reason. That's not one of those things you can do and stay emotionally relevant, even on this show that is mostly about serial killers. Even shitty Hoyt is still better than that.)
...Well, and immediately Lafayette's like, "Or Patrick can kill you." Which, either way, still not solving the main problem which is that they are both cruel, gross murderers, but whatever. Patrick -- this part was kind of funny -- takes about a second before running at a slick pace out the house, down the street, across town, across Louisiana, into the ocean, up the other side. I'm still left wondering what the ifrit's place is, in this. Like your choices are 1) kill the other person, 2) die, or 3) die? That's really stacking it, huh?
Eric: "What the hell are you doing?"
Bill, verbatim: "Evolving."
That, and the brilliant plan... It's kind of a "Tiffany" moment, those two things at once. I have never cheered so hard as when Russell Edgington ganked that guy's heart out of his back. And that, Bill Compton, is pretty much how you've made me feel tonight.
WEEK
Raelle Tucker. That's all I know, but that's all I fuckin' need. How about you?
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.