Turns out the whole Russell Hunt was really just about leading the Chancellors to Russell, so after a brief tussle with some of his werewolf henchmen -- including Marcus's father and the new leader of the Shreveport Pack, JD -- the Authority SWATs immediately arrive and take over. They eat all of Russell's food people that are left, and plan on killing Sookie and Alcide until Bill and Eric promise to glamour them, with sad and sexy results.
Bill's glamour spell -- that Sookie forget he and Eric ever existed, and that she return to the sun forevermore and just be "normal" -- doesn't take at all, while Eric gives Alcide a little taste of V for his wounds before glamouring him to keep his hands off Sookie. morning, a sad -- and outstandingly awesome, even for this season -- Sookie helps Alcide remember their adventure, and he goes off to challenge JD for Packmaster, picking up some sassy tail in the process.
Sam and Luna survive their shooting, and little Emma shows up with Martha Bozeman in tow, still being a total class act. Against maybe her better judgment, Luna decides let Emma stay with Grandma for a while until they figure out who's gunning for shifters. Andy eventually agrees to help Sam track down the killers, considering he's one of the few humans that even knows what shifters are, and this eventually leads them back to one of the ringleaders: That dirtbag dude who owns the anti-supe weapon shop, whom Sam takes out with a crossbow and some worrisome anti-human rhetoric.
After Pam cools Tara's jets, Hoyt approaches Jessica about her fight and ruined friendship, but things go south and sour real fast once Hoyt shows just how damaged he's become. Later, the Obama guys show up and kill the dude Hoyt ended up with, taking him away in their big old van. No idea where any of that is going, but it sure is sad to watch Jessica get trounced by all her buds like this.
Jason dreams some more about their parents' vampire-related deaths, approaches Sookie about it, and before you can say "rebound project" she's dragged him back to the faerie nightclub, where we finally meet the show version of Claude, who is an adorable little guy that wouldn't be out of place in One Direction, and learn the truth: The Stackhouse "drowning" was actually caused by a vampire who smelled Sookie's blood on a Band-Aid in the backseat of their car. So Sookie goes nuts, again, some more.
Lafayette visits Ruby Jean in the hospital to discuss their mutual visitation by a tormented Jesus, and put together the pieces -- his spirit is being held captive by his creepy brujo grandfather, Don Bartolo -- in a memorably awesome sequence. Over at Merlotte's, Terry returns to tell Arlene that he is leaving her so she won't be killed by a fire monster demon from Iraq, to which she responds that he should go back on his meds. Eventually she lets him go, though, because neither possibility is all that encouraging.
And finally, the big news. Bill and Eric, unsure of their fates, are toasted by the Chancellors back at Authority HQ and freed from their iStakes. Salome acts super cagey about both Nora and King Russell, Nora continues to pray, and eventually Roman decides to set Russell's execution for that very night... Which is apparently exactly what the Mysterious Authority Lady who freed him wanted. Seems it's Lilith's will that Roman try to give Russell the True Death... Which makes a lot more sense once his iStake malfunctions and he totally stakes Guardian Roman in front of everybody.
Not sold on the purely divine nature of this whole switcheroo, but the confounding shifts in loyalty -- and abrupt removal of the main force behind mainstreaming -- means the Authority continues to be a fascinating area of play. This episode was maybe a bit harder to track, altogether, but spirited performances from (especially) Sookie, Hoyt and Ruby Jean kept the vibe going, and at this halfway-point I can still say personally that I haven't loved the show this much in years.
week: Russell goes apeshit on everybody's ass, Sookie learns about her powers finally, and Bill begins a possible religious conversion?
PREVIOUSLY
Sookie and her many hot boyfriends tracked Russell to some kind of Silent Hill abandoned hospital, where Alcide got some wolf cramps or something. Tara got carried away and nearly murdered Hoyt, so now she and Jessica are having a baby vampire fight. Terry Bellefleur and his buddy Patrick are having demon troubles, as is Lafayette -- not to mention Jesus's issues beyond the grave, which are affecting both Lala and his mama. Somehow the God Hates Fangs type have found out about shifters, and managed to take down both Luna and Sam. The Authority are always having meetings about various things, while Jason's having trouble reconciling his newfound fear and hatred of vampires with... his like entire character arc over the last four seasons.
BABCOCK HOSPITAL
One of Russell's crackhead werewolves is to blame for Alcide's immediate issue, but for some reason he's content to just get dragged around by a werewolf instead of turning into a wolf. One good reason for him to do that would be that the werewolf is dragging him by the pants, and wolves do not wear pants.
The Boys: "I guess we have to go deal with Alcide and his pants! But first, we are being attacked by other crackhead werewolves who are hiding in the morgue drawers!"
Russell: "Which leaves you alone with me, Sookie Stackhouse. I seem to be feeling much better than I originally let on!"
Faerie Hands: Zap!
Eric: "Now I'm going to kill you, Russell! Just kidding, like always I am just going to stand here talking about it until somebody does something."
Bill: "Ah will be that somebody, Eric. Thank about it."
Bill's got a stake to Eric's back all of a sudden, and his logic is now about how, instead of killing Russell being their last act, they should just use him as a negotiating chit with the Authority. Aw man, and here I really thought the two male leads of the entire show were going to die in this episode, at the hands of a crackhead werewolf cult from Mississippi.
Vampire SWAT: Comes rappelling and zooming in from just everywhere.
Chancellor Candyman: "Also, that whole deal is moot because we have been tailing you this whole time. Obviously."
FANGTASIA!
Tara throws Jessica out of the washrooms and into the middle of the bar, which is where everything always happens. First of all, you're an employee; secondly, Pam has to freakin' pay for those insurance premiums. But most of all, Jessica is in the right. You were about to kill Hoyt. I don't know how much blood is in Hoyt, but it's got to be twice the amount of a regular-size boy. That is you being greedy, my dear.
Pam, eventually: "Okay, that's enough."
Jessica: "I thought we were friends!"
Tara: "I am not feeling very rational right now!"
Pam drags Tara off by the literal hair, and Jessica feels very sad because of friendship. Hoyt, presumably, feels dizzy due to blood loss.
Pam: "This is my house, not your house. Clear?"
Tara: "Yes, Missy Pam."
Pam: "Oh, you want to start that shit again?"
Tara: "It's kind of my go-to. Due to being constantly ordered around by white people with magic powers."
Pam: "Thing is, you made me really proud out there. Good fighting."
Tara: "I don't know what to do with tha..."
Pam: "-- Like a dogfight, though. Like you're a well-trained dog."
Tara: "Oooh, well that didn't feel great."
ELLER
Is blown to hell.
Terry, hilariously: "Nooooooo!"
Ifrit: "Balroogggggg!"
Patrick: "I know you're going to give me shit about this, but I'm sorry I let that happen. It's called Occam's Razor..."
BABCOCK
Russell: "I don't even believe in Lilith! Everybody is so stupid!"
Candyman: "That is really intolerant to our beliefs! How would you like your face smashed?"
The Green Beret vampire guys take him away, still yelling about how Lilith is like a centaur or a leprechaun, which means she's obviously real and probably has a giant pig, and then Alcide comes back in. Pants still, but no shirt. I think mysteriously losing his shirt is an extra power we don't know where it comes from yet. Even the Boys are like, "I want to stop looking, but I don't know exactly how to do that right this second."
Alcide: "[Something about werewolves or pants or something, who cares.]"
Candyman: "How come these two are here?"
Boys: "We found them fucking in a van, and commandeered it because we needed this other guy, Doug."
Candyman: "Well, they know way too much."
Bill: "We live in a post-post-Russell Edgington society, Chancellor Candyman. Ah will glamour them forthwith."
Eric takes Alcide tenderly by the neck, bites a thumb and gives him the old V-juice for his pants fight wounds. It is pretty intense. Pretty intense.
Meanwhile, Bill may or may not be glamouring Sookie to forget that she ever met either of them, and she tears up. Whether it's true or not, it's very sad because he's looking her in the eye and saying not only "You broke up with us and you meant it," but also, "And we're going to be dead soon." Lot going on in this little moment.
Candyman goes looking for Doug, who's still hanging out with the people that Russell hadn't gotten around to eating yet. Why are they still there? Maybe being super dumb and slow-moving is why they got caught in the first place?
Victims: "We all know what that Authority lady looked like, so probably if you are a secret Sanguinista you're going to kill all of us either way?"
Candyman: "Yeah probably."
Victims: "Okay, well, if you don't, could you glamour us so we don't have to remember this whole thing of being kept like human cattle?"
Candyman: "Sure, whatever."
Eric: "Alcide, you will forget all of this from the point where we showed up just as Sookie was barfing on your ridiculous body."
Alcide: "Check."
Eric: "Also, you will protect Sookie with your life..."
Alcide: "Got it."
Eric: "But also, you are not physically attracted to her..."
Alcide: "Are you sure?"
Eric: "Yeah, okay? She kind of grosses you out."
Alcide: "You got it."
Bill: "...And you will live your life as you were meant to. In the sun. With humans."
She's still crying, but she nods. Did we just get Secret Circled? Does it even matter? Even if it's not working, it's working.
CLARICE HOSPITAL
Right? Don't they always go to Clarice for emergencies? I don't want to check right now. Either Clarice or Shreveport. Anyway, Luna is screaming for Emma, and Sam is screaming for Luna, but they are both very much awake and screaming. Emm, for her part, is adorably barking at the door of an old shanty... Please be her, be Martha... YES! Martha opens the door and sweeps her up into her arms.
FANGTASIA!
Hoyt, drunk, decides to make Jessica's night even shittier. He sits down to tell her all about how fun it is to be a fangbanger, and... how she still loves him. She rolls her eyes because he's being pathetic, and she is so sweet about it, and he is not getting it, and mean in that nice-guy way, and not listening to her about it, and then he says the saddest thing. He just breaks it in half:
"You wanna glamour me? You wanna hypnotize me into doing anything that you've ever wanted to do with a human being, no matter how depraved, I don't give a fuck. But will you please just do it with me?"
A beautiful speech, beautifully and painfully delivered. You can totally see where he's coming from, and how it's completely at odds with everything he ever meant to her. And how, no matter how nicely it would be to look back on their young love a long time from now, she can't have that any more. He won't ever be her Hoyt again, because she broke off a little piece of him. The Riley Finn comparisons are not made lightly, or for the reasons you might think:
We tread very heavy in this world. We send out a lot of ripples, every single one of us. We warp the world with every step. And it's almost impossibly rare that someone exposes enough of their self to you, in this way, that you can see how powerful and careless you --we -- really very often are.
Jessica, bouncing: "This is not you."
Hoyt, screaming after: "This is me, goddammit!"
But he wonders.
SOMEWHERE
Alcide wakes up driving, confused, going to somewhere from somewhere else.
Sookie wakes up crying.
AUTHORITY
Candyman: "Well done, dudes."
Eric: "So are you going to kill us, or...?"
Candyman: "Only Lilith knows."
Bill: "As only She knows all!"
Eric: "The fuck was that, bro?"
Bill: "Covering my ass? Maybe? Or maybe I am going crazy."
Eric: "Yeah, well, Lilith can blow me."
They drive the Boys away, and put the victims on a shuttle bus.
Candyman: "Sorry about everything, dudes."
Lady: "I want money for my pain and suffering."
Doug: "I just want to go back to my nachos."
Candyman: "Just kidding, we are totally going to eat you. Idiots."
JASON
Has another big dream about his half-fairy dad, and yammers at him for a while about how he's been building this baseball field in the backyard. And also self-esteem.
Jason: "I am crazypants these days and I feel like my inability to be normal is severely impacting my quality-of-life situation. My vengeance is reserved for just the one vampire that killed you guys. I'm not going completely retrograde."
Daddy: "The only thing you have to fear is..."
And of course, Jason wakes up. I guess they're doing a good job with this, actually. When it seemed like he was just going to hate vampers again, that was dumb. But making it more of a samurai thing opens up a new way to do his same man-child thing he does every year, which I support. Plus the childlike joy and sweetness in his face when he looked up and saw his dad, shit. That was worth a lot.
ALCIDE
Wakes up in a fluffy pink bed, confused as heck, and comes downstairs to a sweet and quietly mournful Sookie Stackhouse.
Sookie: "Like my brother, I can't even remember the last time I was okay."
Alcide: "Hey, did we have sex or something gross?"
Sookie: "I don't know, we got drunk and a bunch of other stuff happened..."
Alcide: "Like what?"
She touches his hand and he jerks back, and Sookie rules some more: "Did you just... recoil from me? Fucking Eric." Immediately putting it all together, she pulls faerie on him and he remembers the events of the last evening.
Alcide: "Gack!"
Sookie: "kthx."
Alcide: "Are we seriously doing Season Three again? Russell's alive, crackhead werewolves and the whole thing? What the fuck is wrong with Eric and Bill?"
Sookie: "I know, right?"
Alcide grabs his shit and leaves without saying goodbye, and Sookie continues to just sort of glumly go about her new Daria way of being. God, no wonder she was crying. Now, take a hint from the fact that nobody is currently trying to murder you -- and it's daytime -- and take a nap.
CLARICE
Sam acts shitty with a nurse for trying to help him get back in bed, and acts all obsessive and dog-loyal about Luna like usual.
Luna: "Uh, the only people that know about shifters are weres, so..."
Sam: "They were humans and I could smell them and their whiskey."
Emma comes running in, and Martha B is shitty to the nurse also.
Martha: "She came to me, as a wolf..."
Emma: "The part of me that was a wolf told me to."
Ugh. Werewolf talk. So dorky. So Emma does some more mortifying shit, and then Sam tells Luna to make up her mind about Martha and stop worrying about it. Martha, to her credit, explains that she is all about Emma, but Luna's her mom, so it's up to her. Class all the way.
Luna: "Okay, can you babysit her while we try to figure out who's hunting shifters?"
Martha: "Yeah, that sounds pretty much like exactly what I wanted. I'll take your kid, and you go get killed. Good plan."
TERRY
Jumps out of Patrick's truck for no reason, and then flashes back to the time Patrick made him kill that lady who cursed them. They roll around in the dirt and cry and have a frank chat about ifrits.
Terry: "I knew it was too good to be true. Being married to Arlene, I mean."
Patrick: "Frankly, I find the ifrit more believable."
RUBY JEAN REYNOLDS
Is staring at the ceiling, in some kind of demon coma, when Lala arrives.
Lafayette: "Oh, momma..."
RJ: "What."
Lafayette: "I thought you had a seizure or something..."
RJ: "I did. It was because of Jesus."
Lafayette: "Isn't it always? You know that Jesus died, right?"
RJ: "That explains why his lazy ass hasn't shown up for work."
They discuss their visions of Jesus, with the sewn-up lips, and Alfre Woodard is amazing for awhile on many subjects -- including the fact that Jesus's torments have to do with the goat-blood ritual his dad made him do when he was a kid -- but mostly about her psychic schizophrenia.
RJ: "The electricity just runs through me, it always has... I see shit I ain't got no right to be seeing. Shit that I don't even know what it even is."
Another wonderful line, wonderfully delivered. This episode is great. So old Ruby Jean leans in close and kisses him on the lips, and tells him Jesus loves him -- the various Jesuses, one supposes -- even if he is an abomination, who smokes marijuana. "Jesus loves you, baby! Jesus loves the little faggots."
It is at this point that Lafayette takes his leave. It is also the high point of the episode.
MERLOTTE'S
Arlene: "He just left! Something about Iraq or something!"
Holly: "With no explanation? Beyond your entire personality, I mean."
Arlene: "Every guy I've ever married has been a serial killer, or haunted by ifrits or what have you."
Sookie: "Listen, I have had it with men. Ladies, am I right?"
Holly: "No joke! Except for Andy."
Everybody: "Yeah, Andy's pretty awesome."
Ladies: "We have a system, don't we? Yes we do, we have a system."
Jason: "Sookie, our parents were murdered by a vampire."
Sookie: "Jason, don't be ridiculous! Vampires are annoying boyfriends, but our parents drowned."
Jason: "No, Hadley told me -- oh yeah, she says hi, Hunter's fine -- at this faerie nightclub..."
Sookie: "-- So you're back on the V, huh?"
Jason: "No, it was all very mysterious."
Sookie: "Well, I've been looking for a project ever since my three boyfriends dumped me. Let's save Hadley from those faeries!"
HOSPITAL
Sam: "I would like to report a hate crime!"
Andy: "If this is about Jason saying 'fairy' the other day..."
Sam: "No, it's how there are only four shifters in this whole parish, and they all got shot in the same 24 hours..."
Andy: "Yeah, but with wooden bullets."
Sam: "Whatever, teabagger vigilantes probably just think that would work for everything. Every kind of supe."
Andy: "So we're just going to be saying 'supe' from now on, I guess."
Sam: "I have smell powers! I can help!"
Andy: "This sounds like vigilante justice."
Sam: "Fuck you and your white privilege, Andy Bellefleur! Bring me in on this!"
WEREWOLF PARTY WHICH IS BY THE WAY LITERALLY TAKING PLACE IN A BARN
Random Werewolf Girl: "That one wolf that was dragging Alcide around is apparently Marcus's dad, and his name is JD."
Alcide: "First of all, JD, you are cheating on Martha with werewolf ladies at this party in a barn."
JD: "We have an arrangement!"
Alcide: "Also, you are on V!"
Wolves: "Is he holding?"
Alcide: "Also, you got two werewolves killed by vampires last night! You are just a trainwreck, mister!"
Alcide suddenly declares himself Packmaster, and JD says that he's the Packmaster already, and then I guess they are going to fight about it? I don't know how werewolves work. JD says that Alcide needs a "second" before they can do that, and everybody thinks about the proper procedures for all of this.
JD: "Put your fucking meat where your bark is!"
Same Random Girl: "I don't know what that means, but I prefer Alcide to you. I already lose at life because of being a werewolf, but Alcide is still better."
JD: "Okay, but I am going to be really mad!"
THE AUTHORITY
Is all too happy to see the Boys, returning triumphant. Salome kisses them hello, and Molly deactivates their iStakes for them.
Chancellor Barb: "I like you now, okay."
Eric: "Hey, which of the two women in this room dug Russell up?"
Salome: "That's a really good question! Have some blood and shut up about it."
Eric: "How about, can I talk to Nora?"
Authority: "Hmm. Well, turns out she is a crazy terrorist. So."
Salome: "Anyway, good job."
Bill: "It was our duty!"
Salome: "A little of that goes a long way, princess."
Eric: "Seriously."
Roman comes out in a polo shirt looking amazing, and produces a very old, very expensive bottle of blood from an Austrian hemophiliac.
Roman: "That was awesome, you guys. Thanks for taking out Russell."
Eric: "I mean, all we did was lead you to him."
Roman: "And but now I know you're mainstreamers."
Bill: "Wholehearted ones!"
Authority: "Oh my God."
Eric: "Some humans are cool, I guess."
Roman: "Yeah, but I just want to talk about my loony agenda some more. You onboard with all this crap?"
Eric: "No, I still think it's stupid, but I do make a lot of money off humans. And the more you try to corner me with your ideology, the more obnoxious I'm going to get."
Salome: "Hey, now what about Russell?"
Roman: "Oh, we are going to kill the shit out of him."
Salome: "Really? Oh man."
Roman: "Yeah, also, let me quote from the Vampire Bible some more and sound real weird and crazy..."
Salome: "No, but also he's a very informative prisoner..."
Roman: "Nope. We're killing him immediately."
Salome: "Can I take this opportunity to fuck that up for you? Cool."
Eric: "I want to talk to Nora, okay? She's secretly my sister."
Bill: "Oh, man."
Roman: "Okay, well, you guys can come to the execution that will go off without a hitch, right?"
Bill: "Ah love those!"
MERLOTTE'S
Arlene: "Hey, Terry! You're back! Let's go have a fight about something dumb."
Terry: "I'm cursed! Literally, a curse was put on me. In Iraq."
Arlene: "Well, that's ludicrous."
Terry: "No, I shot this lady in the face like about twenty times and she cursed me with an ifrit. It was mostly Patrick's fault, but I did shoot her a bunch of times and then set her on fire, so..."
Arlene: "This is quite a story you are telling me."
Terry: "Okay like you know how our house caught on fire that time, and we thought it was because of the voodoo ghost lady that stole our baby? Turns out it was a ghost smoke monster of fire. Because of this curse."
Arlene: "Sure, that checks out."
Terry's perspective is that he is going to leave her with their children, and go be killed by a fire monster. Arlene's perspective is that Terry needs to take his meds and pull it together. Terry disagrees, and hugs her goodbye. I mean, it's a wash. Either he's being chased by a fire demon in reality, or he's not, but either way, he is, if you see what I'm saying.
FAERIE NIGHTCLUB
Sookie: "Oh, I see what you're saying about this wide-open field and how it's a faerie nightclub..."
Jason: "See?"
She abruptly vanishes, and he yells about it, but then she pulls him through the portal or whatever, and they are in there. A dude tries to give Jason a lapdance, and then there are fae strippers for awhile.
Sookie: "I am hardly dressed for this occasion! Where is my cousin Hadley?"
Hadley: "Sookie! Thank Fairy God you are alive and a refugee!"
Sookie: "We need to get you and Hunter out of this strip club. They are stealers of babies and grandpas!"
Before Hadley can even say anything, a little twinkerbell named Claude comes running up and gives Sookie a great big hug.
Claude: "It's me! Your teeny-tiny fairy cousin! I'm gorgeous and ebullient!"
Sookie: "Have we met?"
Claude: "Yes, remember when fairyland turned into Beirut and we were throwing fairy bombs and we got you back to earth? Claudine's brother?"
Sookie: "Nah. That dude had meth-teeth and bat ears."
Claude: "I don't have time to talk about standards of beauty right now!"
STAKE HOUSE
Andy: "So hey, Raising Hope dirtbag guy. Do people come in here wanting weapons for against supes?"
Dirtbag: "Are we just... We just say that now? Everybody just says that word?"
Andy: "None of your frippery."
Dirtbag: "Yeah. The thing about monsters is, they are monsters. They have powers and teeth and things. And now, what other kind of 'supes' are there? Because there's been talk. Talk about 'supes.'"
Which is exactly the problem here. The shifters haven't come out of the closet, so there's only one kind of 'supe,' the vampire 'supe,' which means that Jason and Andy just came up with a word for a thing that doesn't yet need a word, which is not how language works.
Andy: "Okay, Junior. You sell wooden bullets and stuff?"
Junior: "I sell a lot of wooden bullets, yes."
Andy: "But like tell me more specifically."
Junior: "Sorry, I'm distracted by Sam Merlotte who just came in here. See, we murdered him last night so it's a little..."
Junior dives for a gun, Sam yells to Andy and then nails him with a crossbow.
Sam: "I smelled him go into survival mode."
Oh, shut the fuck up. Why do you say shit like that? Remember when they said about "Sorry I had to alpha you so hard"? That was not the worst. It seemed like it at the time, but now the wheels have just fallen off entirely. The show has, so to speak, put its meat where its bark is.
From now on whenever they say "supe," I'm going to assume they are talking about Chicken & Stars, or Alphabet. The growing threat of Hot & Sour.
Sam, as Junior expires: "That's for Emory and Suzanne, you human piece of shit. They were boring, but they were people."
Andy: "All this anti-human talk is getting kind of weird. I mean, even from my privileged perspective, you're sounding pretty retrograde."
FANGTASIA!
Rough Trade Vamp: "Hoyt, you are really taking this self-destruction thing too far. I think for your own sake, you should stop letting me feed on you in this bi-curious way, and just go home."
Hoyt: "I am not into examining my choices right now. Continue."
RTV: "Okay, I'm just saying."
But then right before Hoyt dies from the utterly unexpected hotness of this occurrence in some nasty alley, the Obama Crew shows up, explodes the guy he's fangbanging, and then they're like, "Oh my God, Hoyt Fortenberry?" I mean, how embarrassing. Right? Sleeveless vest, necktie, looking like the Merry Old Land of Oz letting some vamp bro suck you off in an alley, and then who shows up but your old high school buddies. And there's you, covered in V from the dude that just exploded, too out of it from blood loss to even make up a passable excuse.
FAIRYLAND!
Sookie: "Sorry about Claudine, by the way. You know, how my boyfriend ate her on my lawn that time."
Claude: "No prob. I got sixteen more sisters where that came from. She chose her fate, like we all do."
Sookie: "Cool. So anyway, we gotta get out of here. Hey, Hadley, did you or Hunter eat any of that glowing Ikea fruit?"
Claude: "We don't do that. That was a Queen Mab thing, the whole stealing people and babies and whatever. The real situation is, this strip club is not actually in Faerie. Faerie is all closed up like we said last time. Everybody who thinks Mab sucks just came here. So Hadley's fine."
Hadley: "Yeah, it's cool. I just kind of do whatever people tell me all the time."
Jason asks about the vampire that killed their parents, and both Hadley and Claude start projecting like crazy about how it's supposed to be this weird secret. Finally, Claude opens his mouth and tells a story that Claudine told him, which is very fucked up: They were stopped on that bridge the night the river rose because a vampire smelled something in the backseat of their car. A Band-Aid, chock full of Sookie's blood.
Sookie: "Oh man, I was just saying how I needed to stop getting more and more crazy! And now this!"
She revs up her fairy powers, just to sort of free-form freak out I think, and the various Claude-ettes light her up from every direction.
AUTHORITY
Nora: "[Still doing her Vampire Rosary, while Eric sadly watches from outside.]"
Russell: "Argh! I am also very crazy! And you should be a lot nicer to me and stop torturing me too!"
Salome, pointedly: "Hey guys, just letting you know that they're executing Russell tonight."
Nora: "Oh, shit."
Eric: "For real? Now you're talking to me?"
Nora: "Yeah, this is all in a weird Lilith prophecy! It's going to be so great!"
Eric: "Um, what are you talking about?"
Nora: "It's all going according to her plan!"
Eric: "Hey, was that a lower-case 'h'? What the fuck is up now?"
What's going on, apparently, is that either by design or divine intervention, the execution is not going to go as we thought.
Roman: "We are going to kill you in a minute. I don't think Lilith is really about you eating everybody's kids all the time like you seem to be about."
Russell: "Lilith is super dumb! I don't need to eat people's kids because it's in your stupid fake Bible, I just like doing it! Because it is great! I am all about chaos and killing and stuff! Why are you such a zealot? It just seems really selfish and self-glorifying."
Roman: "Saving people, showing them mercy, sharing the world with Eve's children. You can say it's about my ego and whatever, but at the end of the day it's really about Lilith and the world and stuff, and anyway you are batshit crazy so I don't even know why I'm talking to you. R.I.P."
Roman activates Russell's iStake and ... nothing happens! And then Russell goes, "PEACE IS FOR PUSSIES!" and totally stakes Roman, and he explodes! Tears roll down Salome's cheeks, like maybe oh well kind of tears because she's in on it, and then over in Nora's cell she leans way, way back. Arching toward the halos:
"Praise Her!"
WEEK
What if Salome actually were Lilith, and the whole Bible just fan fiction? Nah, probably not. I just continue to get more and more scared that Lilith is going to show up. Didn't Sam's little were-deer girlfriend say -- or no, it was QSA -- something about how there aren't any Gods left? Does that count for Vampire God even? So many questions I'm afraid we'll be getting answers to. Uh, Sookie learns all about faerie magic finally; Lafayette confronts Jesus's dad and Tara finally talks to her mom; werewolves and shifters have all kinds of problems as usual; Russell goes to town on everybody's ass.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.