I Love You Jason Stackhouse

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 06-10-2012 · S05E01

Lafayette and Sookie spend all day traveling around town cleaning up messes. Literal messes. Like, how Sookie blew Debbie Pelt's face all over her kitchen, or how Tara's brain is all over the place, or how Lafayette stabbed his boyfriend to death roughly ten minutes before all that happened. Pam shows up out of nowhere to be bitchy about Eric, and Sookie makes a deal with her to turn Tara into a vampire. So that's Sookie's day. Mopping, sitting by a gravesite all night, and eventually being attacked by her newly vampire best friend, who would seem to have come back a good bit more feral than most.

I don't know how to feel about that. I don't know what it says that the most intelligent, verbal character on the entire show has come back from the dead fucktarded. My fear is that it's emblematic of the show in general, which would also seem to have come back from hiatus a good deal more fucktarded than even in years. I know what it's like when I overstay my welcome with a show, and hang onto it out of habit, so I want to give you plenty of warning about the facts, which are that maybe this show sucks now? Or I am just in a shitty mood, and let what just happened to be a remarkably crummy script ruin the whole experience.

Like oh boy are you going to hate this girl Nora, who is Godric's Progeny and thus Eric's vampire sister -- although they also fuck, and while they're fucking they call each other brother and sister, it's all quite droll -- and I think she was invented to get on your nerves. Like scientists in a lab could not have designed a more off-putting person. Zooey Deschanel working in an ire-magnet store could attract less ire.

But the most fucktarded move is the hateful, retrograde, homophobic bullshit surrounding Jason Stackhouse and Reverend Newlin, because this show -- the show that brought you Lafayette, Eddie and Jesus, the show that pretty much set the bar for the decade, once -- has decided to play Newlin (a gay vampire in hiding from his own congregation, and apparently with a secret agenda we'll learn about later) as this obsessive faggy pansy. I mean, McMillian is a great actor so it's a treat to watch, for what it is, but the storyline is about making fun of a gay dude, and being grossed out that he has feelings for Jason, and getting your heteronormative jollies, and it's gross.

Anyway, what actually happened? I don't know. It felt like it was about thousand years long. Bill and Eric, having been dumped by Sookie, are arrested by the Authority for killing Nan Flanagan, but Horrible Nora gets them out of that jam, and they are going on the lam, when they are once again arrested, this time with Horrible Nora also along, and I guess that's going to be their storyline this year. While Jessica's back home holding down the castle for King Bill and dicking Jason around.

Alcide's the only person that seems to care that Russell Edgington has escaped his concrete prison and is presumably making his way to Sookie's sweet fairy blood as we speak. Included among people who do not give a shit about that would be Sookie, because God forbid she ever do a single thing right. She's just too busy mopping and making Tara's decisions for her as usual.

Oh, and Sam decides for literally no reason at all that he is going to take the fall for Alcide killing Marcus, Luna's babydaddy, even though if Alcide admitted it that would be better because he would be the new Packmaster, but no. Sam's going to go ahead and run around naked the entire episode getting beat up by werewolves until finally Luna and Alcide make them quit it. At which point Marcus's mother Martha eats his dead body, because werewolves are the worst. Besides Sam, I mean.

In other situations, Scott Foley has shown up with some kind of arson-ghost backstory having to do with Terry's time in the Marines, which means you get to see him acting cagey and Terry being different kinds of nuts. And then too Sherriff Andy makes the acquaintance of Holly's beautiful witch-babies in a compromised situation, and that's darling too. In the end, I guess, it's worth sticking around to see just how offensive the Newlin and Tara storylines will get -- and of course the hope, as always, is that the show will stay amazing -- but I'm not so sure I'm going to last the season. How about you?

PREVIOUSLY

King Bill! Faerie vacation! Marnie sux! Amnesia sex in Narnia! Jessica and Jason! Debbie falls off the crackwagon! Scott Foley! Russell Edgington returns! Glowing ghosts everywhere! Nan Flanagan dismissed! Jesus stabbed! Steve Newlin vamps out! Tara and Debbie, shot in a kitchen!

CASTLE COMPTON

As Eric hilariously vamp-zooms around cleaning up the remains of Nan Flanagan, Bill leaves Jess a voicemail about how -- between killing the Darth Vader of the Authority and being broken up with by Sookie -- they're going on a little holiday together.

Daddy Bill: "Jessica, please do not throw lame Rock Band parties in my castle. Anything else you require will be provided, but you know not the finer points of revelry. I believe you to have inherited mah penchant for being a massive dork."

SOOKIE

Lafayette: "Man, I can't sleep because of how I stabbed my boyfriend to death whilst wearing an ugly muumuu. Perhaps some warm milllllaaaagh! What the fuck!"
Sookie: "So yeah. I murdered a werewolf, and most of Tara's cranium is splattered across the walls."

CASTLE COMPTON

Bill: "You know who Ah miss? Sookie."
Eric: "Fuck Sookie, are you kidding me?"
Bill: "Just keep cleanin'. Ah must mourn, gloomily."
Authority: "You guys are under arrest. Have some silver nets in your face."

SOOKIE

Sookie: "Tara, please wake up! Please don't do this to me! I was hoping one day we'd actually have a scene together instead of always just saying that we're these amazingly close friends and never showing it."
Tara's Head: "Bitch, I am not waking up. I don't have any brains. Also, that's not really my fault. I was too busy getting raped and changing my identity and being brainwashed all the time to really make the effort, while you were running around in a nightgown talking about which of your seven hot boyfriends you were pissed at that week and asking everyone on the show to murder you at every opportunity."

Pam: "Eric, we need to tallllagh! What the fuck happened here? This is awesome."
Sookie: "Pam, don't look at me like you finally respect me. This is a no bueno situation."
Pam: "Considering I spent most of last season trying to kill Tara, I don't see how that could be true. Anyway, I need to talk to Eric. Instead of you. If you see him, tell him sorry for whatever I did last year that Jacob can't even remember. Something about my fucked up face or wanting a baby or something."
Lafayette: "Or, you could do us a really insane favor that will piss Tara off more than any other possible thing."
Sookie: "Right. Or you could do me a favor."
Pam: "There's no reason for me to do that, considering I hate both of you at this point, but since this show is basically people bending over backwards to do you favors, please continue."

By Jacob Clifton

Sookie: "I need you to turn Tara into a vampire. You know, that half-assed rude witch you spent all last season trying to kill, I want you to become her vampire mommy and give her the gift of eternal life. Pretty much the opposite of what you kept failing to do last year, which on this show means five or six minutes ago."
Pam: "Did you notice she is missing most of her head?"
Sookie: "Apparently I did not."
Pam: "Also, why would do I that?"
Sookie: "I will take away your face problem?"
Pam: "That went away when Marnie died."
Sookie: "I will use my close personal relationship with your Maker on your behalf?"
Pam: "That's pretty insulting, but also kinda convincing. Give me one favor later, and use your super-snatch* faerie influence to fix my broken deal with Eric."
Sookie: "Super-snatch is set to go."
Pam: "Fine. But if you've thought about this at all, you'd realize there's a strong possibility she'll rise up tomorrow night completely and utterly fucktarded*?"
Sookie: "You are talking to the wrong person about that."

*TRUE BLOOD, KEEPIN' IT CLASSY:

Newlin: "Jason, I swear that I am not here to hurt you. I just want to talk."
Jason: "You're a vampire. I see your fangs. The fangs are out. Like unto twin hard-ons. Hard-ons for trouble and for feeding on somebody. Never just for talking, not ever."
Newlin: "Remember when the metaphor was a metaphor? Because this show doesn't."
Jason: "I feel objectified, which as a straight white man is ten times worse than the regular kind."
Newlin: "Your comfort is of the utmost, and therefore I will put the fangs away. Look not upon the shame of my inverted desire!"

Newlin: "You may have noticed that I vanished from the Fellowship. You may even now be putting that together..."
Jason: "Oh right, like how we used to train people to kill faaaaavampires. And now you are, ironically enough, a faaaaavampire yourself."
Newlin: "Yes. A clueless zealot with privilege is the exact same thing as a clueless zealot without. There's nothing offensive or illogical about that at all."

By Jacob Clifton

Jason: "Abuse my compassion and prey on me, okay? Like most minorities do."
Newlin: "Done. Now you are glamoured."
Jason: "Ain't that just the way."

SAM

Weres: "Sam Merlotte! We are here and growly!"
Sam: "I don't speak animal language."
Werewoman: "Then I will turn into a person, with long wiglike hair that comes down to perfectly cover my nipples as long as I don't move my head and there is no breeze."
Sam: "I cannot imagine why you are here bothering me."
Werewoman: "It's because Marcus died that time on accident. We need to know what you and Alcide did to him."
Sam: "Man, every time werewolves show up, it is the worst. It's like, Have some garbage on top of the trash heap of this show."

SOOKIE

Pam: "Your rotting best friend smells weird. Or maybe it's this hole in the ground."
Sookie: "I'm sure it's fine, now get in there and put your arms around her."
Pam: "Bitch, I've done this before."
Sookie: "Really? Because that was a fairly important part of your storyline last year, but whatever."
Pam: "It turned out poorly. As will this."
Sookie: "Act like you're enjoying yourself!"
Pam, verbatim: "I am wearing a Walmart sweatsuit for y'all. If that's not a demonstration of team spirit I don't know what is."

It's true. It is yellow, two slightly different shades of dingy yellow, and the bottoms are too short, and it's amazing.

SAM

Sam: "Luna, you need to grab your kid and get out of town, okay?"
Luna: "This is dumb. Alcide's the one that killed Marcus, and he's a member of their Pack. They have ways to handle this."
Sam: "I don't realize that for some reason."
Luna: "Well, just call Alcide and have him explain it to them."
Sam: "I don't understand what you're saying. Isn't this all about me?"
Luna: "You're acting like a jackass. Tell them to talk to Marcus."

Weres: "Hey, you killed Marcus, right?"
Luna: "Nope. No, he did not."
Sam: "I certainly did!"
Weres: "Then let's go interrogate you about the thing you didn't do."
Sam: "I hope I don't die at the end of this!"
Weres: "You most certainly will. So one more time, did you kill Marcus? Because if you didn't, then we won't kill you. But if you did, then we will. So just be honest."
Sam: "I prefer to lie, and then just hope for the best. For no real reason at all."

By Jacob Clifton

JASON

Newlin: "As part of this glamour, you are going to believe that I put this duct tape over your mouth at your request. Now, I am going to sit here for awhile being admittedly awesome while I declare my love for you."
Jason: "Valid."
Newlin: "You know how I've been totally gay this whole time?"
Jason: "Yeah, everybody knew that."
Newlin: "Okay, well, I've been gay this whole time. And now I'm a vampire, also."
Jason: "Ironic."
Newlin: "Don't you think?"

Newlin: "So I'm in love with you, okay?"
Jason: "That's really sweet. Thank you. I really cared for you at one point, too."
Newlin: "Okay, but are you in love with me?"
Jason: "No sir, I am not."
Newlin: "That certainly hadn't occurred to me, because I am not actually a character with sensible motivations or any kind of internal life. Just a symbol. So now, I am going to throw a prissy faggy fit about it. Like I wasn't already the embodiment of horror for wanting to have sex with a straight man, I am also a scary vampire on top of it!"
Jason: "I wish you wouldn't. I also wish I had pants on. So I could crap them."

Jessica: "Don't worry about it!"
Newlin: "Little Red Riding Hood, we are having a private conversation."
Jessica: "Heteronormativity!"
Newlin: "Oh no! Gay people are not real people! Goodbye!"

Jason: "Oh, Jessica. It was so scary! It was like being a girl!"
Jessica: "It's okay, I am here now. Dressed as a stripper."
Jason: "We'd better reaffirm my heterosexuality, then."
Jessica: "Agreed. That's really all I'm good for anyway, right?"

A CAR TRUNK

Eric: "Bill, your ass is pressed up against my crotch. Again."
Bill: "Then there will be fan fiction, Ah suppose. Or things on that Tumblr. Whatever makes straight girls giggle and still somehow think they're allies of the gays."
Eric: "Why do you think the Authority kidnapped us and put us in this trunk?"
Bill: "Hang on, I have to blow up this entire car that we are inside of."
Eric: "That seems like a sensible plan, yes. I will help."

Eric: "Thank goodness we survived that explosion of fire all around us!"
Nora: "Me too! I was in the front seat, playing an elaborate double-crossing game that makes no sense, where you get kidnapped every five minutes for the rest of this episode. By the way, I'm Nora. I am the Worst."

By Jacob Clifton

Bill: "Eric, why are you making out with that horrible woman?"
Eric: "Because she is my sister! Does that impress you with how far-out and wild it is?"
Bill: "When did this show become Yahoo! Answers?"
Eric: "We are so naughty!"
Bill: "Yes, yes. You are very naughty."

SOOKIE

Sookie: "Okay, put the big pieces of Debbie in this shower curtain. I'll mop up the smaller pieces of Debbie and Tara."
Lafayette: "You've got a whole Dexter deal going on right now, unless it's a faerie thing. Mostly, I'm concerned -- like everyone else in this town, even though fantastically awful shit happens to all of us regularly -- about your welfare."
Sookie: "Well, I'm certainly not going to the police about this justifiable homicide where the bitch -- a known murderer that we've personally seen murder people -- broke into my house with a gun, high on drugs."
Lafayette: "I see your point. Wait, no I don't. Isn't being white a Get Out Of Jail Free card?"
Sookie: "No, that's just something white people like to joke about because it lets them think racist things while feeling less racist for joking about them. It's not really true."
Lafayette: "Yes, that's very interesting. But part of the rule of law is that you have to abide by them, for your own protection. It was self-defense..."
Sookie: "There was a moment where -- apparently -- I had the upper hand on that crack-fueled werewolf, and easily could have just picked her up off the floor and made her some tea without any repercussions. Instead, I blew the bitch's face off. Therefore, it was not self-defense."
Lafayette: "Maybe that was a faerie thing? But anyway, that's not even how the law works. According to your whim. Use your head please, madam. Because now it's just one more thing for you to feel angsty and paranoid about for no real reason."
Sookie: "I will never have enough of those."

AUTHORITY

Nora: "It was just the luck of the draw that I was part of the extraction team that kidnapped you guys. But a very lucky luck it was."
Bill: "Doesn't the Authority keep track of this shit? I'm fairly certain they would know that they were sending Eric's sister to kidnap him."
Eric: "Apparently that documentation is no longer relevant now that Godric died."
Bill: "Well, sure. That checks out."
Nora: "Let's interrupt this conversation to make out some more."
Eric: "Yeah! Fuck Sookie."

By Jacob Clifton

Nora: "Plus, I have a problem with the fact that you're going to be punished for stopping Antonia from frying our entire race*."
Bill: "Yeah, that made no sense when Nan implied it either. But it's nice to know that after four years of talking about factions within the Authority we're going to be dealing with it."

*(Or at least the ones in the Western hemisphere.)

Nora: "Also, now we have to walk twelve miles because I was already planning an ambush. It was not unlike the stunt you pulled, although there was considerable less blowing up of us."
Bill: "Oh man, I hate walking twelve miles. It makes me so tired! As a vampire, I mean."
Nora: "Lilith willing, we'll be safe once we go to ground."
Bill: "The way you casually invoked that name makes me very afraid of what this show has in store for the season. If I have to listen to one more half-assed mythology remix about where vampires came from, I will set myself on fire. Again."

Bill: "You have some awesome friends, bro."
Eric: "Pam doesn't even know about Nora, is how secret she is. That's why she's never come up on this show, not even once, not even the three or four separate times Godric tried to commit suicide."
Bill: "That tracks, sure."
Nora: "I hope you guys are comfortable with going into vampire witness protection."
Bill: "I am. What I am not comfortable with is, how is that a thing?"

LAFAYETTE

Sookie: "Lafayette, wait in the car while I dispose of your boyfriend's body."
Lafayette: "I do not trust your competence."
Sookie: "I really think it would be best to leave you out of the grieving process."
Lafayette: "Seriously, though, I am coming in. Apologies for not following instructions."

Jesus is gone, the whole house is cleaned up like he was never there. Lucky sexy dead guy. Never forget.

Lafayette: "He was right there! Right fucking there in my hand chair!"
Sookie: "I love that you called it out by name. But listen, maybe you just don't remember cleaning up the dead body of your boyfriend that stabbed to death."
Lafayette: "That doesn't sound right."
Sookie: "Fine, I'm bored anyway. Let's go home."
Lafayette: "I'm going to stick around here for a second and grieve or try to contact his ghost."
Sookie: "Cool, I will just have a seat then."
Lafayette: "Girl, I mean you need to go wait outside."
Sookie: "...Fine. But I'm definitely going to be staring in the window."

By Jacob Clifton

Lafayette: "Are you there, Jesus? It's me, Lafayette."
Jesus: "Not in this episode, sorry."
Lafayette: "[Flips out a little bit. I guess it's somewhat sad, but I don't know. It just seemed very unsubtle. This episode is like fan fiction of the show, instead of the show.]"

HOLLY

Lives in a shoebox motel room or trailer or something. Whatever it is, it's horrible. I think she and her two boys live in the living room. Oh wait, they were victims of the Bellefleur fire, that's why they're in this crappy place. Whew, I was going to be really sad for her and her whole face thing she's got going on.

Boys: "We are back from hunting with our dad! Why are you in bed with the sheriff's surprisingly valid naked body?"
Holly: "Yes, my beautiful witch-babies. It is compact, is it not? Hides a wealth of complications when guys are built like that. Anyway, sorry you walked in on us after doing it, but that's how it works when you all live in a living room."
Boys: "You're kind of an alcoholic, we think. Based on all this evidence of that fact."
Holly: "The plight of the single mother!"

TERRY

Arlene's Kids: "We love talking to Scott Foley!"
Terry: "It makes me uncomfortable to talk to Scott Foley. Here, have a variety of insane faces that don't really communicate much of what's going on with me."
Scott Foley: "All I know is, the cold-blooded killing machine I murdered Iraqis with is not at all the same shellshocked individual living in luxury that I see before me."
Terry: "We are actually still poor trash, we're just staying at the Bellefleur mansion until... The situation changes."
Scott Foley: "Was this by any chance because of a mysterious housefire?"
Terry: "...More lunatic faces, Scott Foley?"
Scott Foley: "Don't mind if I do, thanks."

FLASHBACK

Sookie Stackhouse was left out of all the reindeer games as a child, you see, because of her obnoxious personality. But then somebody showed up with an even worse personality, which made her feel better about herself... And then when she found out that her violent buddy's mother was a monstrous abusive addict, she knew: She'd be friends with Tara for the rest of her life. Unless she met a person in a wheelchair, or with like half a face.

By Jacob Clifton

SOOKIE

Alcide: "Sookie, I just came by to be gorgeous and offer you any assistance I can."
Sookie: "God damn it. Just what I need, more friendship and support."
Alcide: "Your kitchen smells to my werewolf senses as though you committed a murder and then cleaned it all up."
Sookie: "No, I've just developed yet another mental illness."

Alcide: "Okay well, I just dropped by to say that all of your boyfriends including me lied to you a couple years ago about killing Russell Edgington."
Sookie: "Go on."
Alcide: "Uh, we did not kill Russell Edgington."
Sookie: "If you're implying I'm in some kind of danger, I really hope you don't expect me to give a fuck about that. That's like Sookie 101."

Sookie: "Do you like what I've done with the cabinetry? Please do look away for a moment, because I just found your girlfriend's bloody tooth beside my Frigidaire."
Alcide: "...Okay, well, back to Russell Edgington, though, he got out of parking lot jail and is probably going to come over here in a minute and drink your sunshine blood or whatever."
Sookie: "If it were possible for me to act any more petulant regarding Bill and Eric, please do trust that I would."

MERLOTTE'S

Jason: "I feel bad about how I keep fucking Hoyt's girlfriend. Maybe I should have yet another discussion with him about it."
Andy: "Maybe you should."
Jason: "Then again, maybe I won't."
Judge Clements: "Andy, can I have a stereotypically corrupt conversation with you?"
Sherriff Andy: "It is the south, after all."

Also, this happens:

Judge Clements: "I don't know why, but you tickle my hang-lows, Bellefleur."
Andy: "I don't know why either!"

My hang-lows were tickled, in turn, by that. Since that's apparently a thing that people say.

Hoyt: "Ya dang girlfriend fucker. How's it going, girlfriend fucker?"
Construction Buddies: Giggle, as though that's a huge burn on Jason.
Jason: "I'm not sure you understand how name-calling works."
Hoyt: "I've never been in a position to bully before. I will grant you I am still working out the kinks. The important thing is that I dumped my girlfriend in a really gross, shameful, abusive way, and then whatever happened was none of my damn business."

By Jacob Clifton

Jason: "Well, I just wanted to say that I love you, and I'm sorry that I keep fucking your girlfriend. But I hope you won't be mad."
Hoyt: "I am sorry to disappoint you, girlfriend fucker."
Jason: "See, that still doesn't... Whatever. Bye."
Hoyt: "Bye, girlfriend fucker!"
Construction Buddy: "Good one, man. That was some tight ranking."
Hoyt: "But will these verbal triumphs ever add up to a parcel of happiness?"

SOOKIE

Sookie: "Perhaps they should have killed Russell. I'm beginning to see your point."
Alcide: "Come stay with me. I will protect you."
Sookie: "That goes against my code of always fucking myself over and trying to get murdered at all times. I cannot."
Alcide: "Is this about how I said I was in love with you? Because..."
Sookie: "No, it's just super awkward because I murdered your girrrrr..."
Lafayette: "-- No, girl. No."

Lafayette: "Get out of our house!"
Alcide: "Why are you being so mean, you guys?"
Sookie: "It is a secret."
Lafayette: "We have decided to join MOO and we don't like werewolves or witches or vampires or Maryanns or magic fingers or any of that anymore. Even though we are also those things."
Alcide: "You're being really hurtful."
Lafayette: "GET OUT!"

Lafayette: "Did you just ... growl in my face? That is seriously the hottest thing that has ever happened on this show."
Alcide: "I will do it again, too."
Lafayette: "I mean... No, no. Focus Missy, try to maintain. Wolf, get the fuck on up out of here."
Alcide: "Fine. I will leave. But I won't stop being super nice. And I won't stop offering you my house, or my protection, or any of the things that you always say no to, for no reason, even though all of your other boyfriends are kidnapped, and you were mean to them too, and you are now without recourse. I guess that's just how it's going to be. That's the line I'm drawing. No takebacks."

Lafayette: "Why did you almost tell him that you killed his girlfriend? We are going to end up in jail for all those crimes we didn't commit and wouldn't be accused of."
Sookie: "I guess I'm just stupid. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get some more Tru Blood for the other terrible decision we made today."
Lafayette: "Come moonrise that lawn is going to be just a garden of blooming assholes. It's going to be like at the beginning of Wizard Of Oz where the flowers turn into midgets -- only instead of midgets, it's going to be bitches."

WOLVES

Sam: "Oh, stop torturing me! Please, I can't stand it when you strip me naked and tie me up and chain me to things and beat me with your werewolf implements!"
Weres: "I feel like this is going a different way from how we thought."
Sam: "Mr. Big Bad Wolf, you're so strong and I am so helpless! What are you gonna do to me ?"

Patty the Daytime Hooker -- who was also in that movie with Katniss that I never saw, because movies about poor people being mean to each other are even more off-putting than movies where poor people learn to play music and that's somehow political, because movies about poor people are generally made by rich people -- shows up. She is not what Sam had in mind, I wager.

Martha: "I'm the Pack Regent right now, until we solve my son's disappearance. You know, just like how real wolves in nature are super into the parliamentary system."
Sam: "Well, I don't know where your son is, or who killed him, except that it was me."

AUTHORITY

Eric and Nora do it all the different ways. They are real good sex people. They like to talk about how they're brother and sister while they fuck each other. It's pretty dumb. His phone starts ringing and she yells at him for having a phone, and he swoops in and gives her a peck on the forehead before answering it that is a reminder of what is good about this show.

Bill: "Ah must join with your sisterly sex partner in believing that the first thing of which you should have rid yourself is that telephone device."
Eric: "Both of you quit bitching at me! I have a magically untraceable cell phone."
Bill: "Really because how does that work? It uses cell phone towers other than the cell phone towers that exist?"
Eric: "Probably it routes through a dummy line or something like that, but in an encrypted untraceable... Look, the only reason this cell phone is here is so I can say the line I'm going to say in a minute, and also get the Edgington news from Alcide right now."

By Jacob Clifton

Eric: "We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions!"
Bill: "It really doesn't take much to keep the rank and file of people that still watch this crap happy, does it."

COMPTON CASTLE

Jessica: "Daddy was right. I am lame as hell."
College Students, of which there are like five: "Do a Jaeger shot! Apply to a local university!"
Jessica: "That is a stunningly uninteresting concept for a TV show about vampires. Tell me more. Much more."
Co-ed: "They have night classes!"

So in case you were wondering how much of a dork Jessica is today:

Jessica: "I dunno, I mean, people go to college to become big and powerful, right? Well, I already am, so why do all that work?"
Students: "Woo!"
Jessica: "I blame this script. It asks me to do a lot of things that are not in my wheelhouse, because they are in nobody's wheelhouse. Every time we cut back to this quote 'party,' it's awkward. Like Larry David awkward. I should not be held accountable for that."

Jason: "Hey, can I come play quarters with you and these hot college guys you're making on?"
Jessica: "You are not my boyfriend."
Jason: "I don't need to be, for this paper-thin storyline where I wave my hands in front of the camera and say how much I've changed, and then you're supposed to buy that I've changed."
Jessica: "Remember last year when that already happened? When you took care of an entire town and became a man? Remember how this happens every season?"
Jason: "Yeah, but then they raped me."
Jessica: "Remember when we talked about how using that word trivializes real rape?"
Jason: "Aw, Jess. I plum forgot. In all the world-ending chaos surrounding my sexual harassment by a homosexual, I forgot how insensitive that was."

He heads inside and the kids freak because he's wearing a cop uniform, so he takes off the cop uniform, because this show is like that now. Things get more sexier. Just kidding, things get more dorkier, and then you have to watch Jessica sing a song on Rock Band, and Jason makes a guitar face, and it's mortifying. Just a straight up bloodbath.

TERRY

Patrick is Scott Foley. Patrick. Patrick. Got it.

By Jacob Clifton

Patrick: "Terry, I have been looking everywhere for you! Because of secrets!"
Terry: "I am too close to freaking out all the time to talk to you about things."
Patrick: "Well, a bunch of our fellow Marines also had a housefire, including me."
Terry: "I am pretty sure that's a coincidence, because my housefire was due to this ghost lady that was haunting my kid... Oh wait, she saved us all from the fire. Gotcha. You're right, this is unrelated."
Patrick: "Anyway, you're probably going to die."
Terry: "Not if I beat you up right now!"
Patrick: "I fail! To see! The logic in that! Ow!"

COMPTON CASTLE

Jason: "This has been fun, but I think we should talk about our relationship."
Jessica: "Really? Because I am in the middle of macking on this dude."
Jason: "Fine, then I will pick the low-hanging fruit that has been all over me all night. See how you like that."
Jessica: "I like it just fine. Remember when Pam talked me into being an Ethical Slut? Well I am still trying that out, like any teenager on the verge of adulthood."
Jason: "Then fine, I am going to go screw this chick in my car. Instead of any of the rooms in this mansion where nerdy college kids are already doing it."
Jessica: "Fine! I will screw this person in every room in the mansion!"

So who is the Ruler of Louisiana right now? The Authority depowered King Bill last year, that was how Nan died... Earlier when Jessica chased Newlin away, she said not only was she older than him, and way more heteronormative, but also that she was Queen. Is that true? That's awesome if that's true. I hope that becomes an issue.

OUTSIDE

Sorority Girl: "Front or back?"
Jason: "Neither. I respect your personhood."
Sorority Girl: "That's nice, but I actually have the agency to decide if I want to fuck you, and I've kinda already made that call -- made it hours ago, pretty blatantly -- so at this point making my choices for me is a pretty shitty move."
Jason: "I'm not sure that's how it works. I'm pretty sure treating you like a fragile sex object is a sign of my growth."
Sorority Girl: "Okay, well, there are two of us in this car. So trying not to insult me is pretty insulting -- when I'm sitting here in your car, with my top off -- because basically you're calling me a whore."
Jason: "Then put your top back on! Don't you get that this isn't about you?"
Sorority Girl: "For sure I am putting my top on. Please know, however, that I'm doing it because I want to, not because you told me to."
Jason: "Again, not sure about that. Any case, I'm taking you home to your sorority house, and I'm going to watch you walk in there and shut the door, just in case you get confused into having sex with any other men. Not on my watch! That's how men show respect."
Sorority Girl: "My hero. Please let me know if there are any other aspects of my personal life you'd like to weigh in on."
Jason: "I hope for both our sakes I don't have to. I really do."

Jason: "Then put your top back on! Don't you get that this isn't about you?"
Sorority Girl: "For sure I am putting my top on. Please know, however, that I'm doing it because I want to, not because you told me to."
Jason: "Again, not sure about that. Any case, I'm taking you home to your sorority house, and I'm going to watch you walk in there and shut the door, just in case you get confused into having sex with any other men. Not on my watch! That's how men show respect."
Sorority Girl: "My hero. Please let me know if there are any other aspects of my personal life you'd like to weigh in on."
Jason: "I hope for both our sakes I don't have to. I really do."

SOOKIE

Lafayette: "I wonder if the dirt is going to do something."
Dirt: Does nothing. It is some riveting television.
Sookie: "Maybe, though. Let's just sit tight."
Dirt: "You do that."

WOLVES

Sam: "Okay, here's the body of that guy I keep saying I killed."
Alcide: "Let Sam go. He's just being a jackass."
Sam: "Luna! I can't believe you tattled! I was this close to being brutally murdered for absolutely no reason, and you ruined it."
Luna: "Whatever. Just put some clothes on."
Weres: "Alcide killed the Packmaster? Then we must bow to him!"
Martha: "Don't do that, you guys. We have to have a lot of meetings about it first. Somebody's gotta take minutes, and you have to second the motion, and all kinds of shit. Just like in nature."
Weres: "Will there be refreshments after?"
Martha: "My bad, I forgot. There will be refreshments ... now!"

Then she starts eating her son's corpse. Everybody joins in. It is so naughty! So wild and unapologetically edgy! This ain't TV, motherfucker, it is the real shit! The H to the B to the O. That's right, holla! There's some B.O. in the Hizzy tonight! Stankin' it up witcha brother/sister incest and chowin' down on some gross poor people for us to point and laugh at, what what! It's like a Coen Brothers movie up in here, with all these hilarious trashy people! Oh, it is getting entrailed to shit tonight and no mistake! Where my werepanthers at, bitches? Wipe that crap off your dirty Appalachian kids' faces and get in on this!

AUTHORITY

Nora: "I'm handing you over to Anybody Who Isn't Me, which brightens up the future considerably. Bill, you're now named Marcellus Clarke, after a famous Confederate guerilla. Eric, your new name is Ike Applebaum, because the rest of the cast has nicknamed your ubiquitous penis 'Ikea' for some reason. Hopefully not because it arrives disassembled. Now, are you ready to start your new lives?"

By Jacob Clifton

The Authority immediately, and once again, parachutes in and rappels down and submerges (supermerges?) up out of the water and all the different GI Joe ways of doing this, they do it. I sure hope they kill Nora with a headshot... Nope, once they've dispatched the woman of color we were just talking to, they kidnap Nora too. So she's along for the fuckin' ride now, great.

No, you know though, maybe that's okay. I bet she's really like, resourceful and has a bunch of tricks up her sleeve, to use while simply refusing to put up with Eric's high-handed ways or Bill's stodginess. I don't know, just a feeling that might be the case, with our dear Nora. Good old capable, sassy, no-nonsense, irreverent, cool-under-pressure, likeable, realistic, shoved-the-fuck-down-your-throat Nora Gainsborough.

She fights like a sibling, you see. But she fucks like a champion.

SOOKIE

Lafayette: "I'm going to go get us some people food. Which practically guarantees that whatever happens is going to happen. Just like lighting a cigarette at the bus stop, as a trashy werewolf would say."

Pam: "Dude, there is dirt in my bra."
Sookie: "Did it work?"
Pam: "I don't fuckin' know."

Did it work? No. No. No... Wait, yes. Yes it did. Imagine what a fun challenge for the writers' room this year, to come up with ways to humiliate and degrade Tara now that she's also a superhero. Maybe she'll get gangraped by werewolves? Become Russ Edgington's willing black female slave? Both of those would be real edgy and unexpected. Maybe she's going to be a lesbian again this year, and she and Pam can argue about which one is more femme and camera-ready. Maybe she can wrestle Jessica in a baby pool full of pudding for Jason Stackhouse's dick. Maybe she will stake Steve Newlin, or he will stake her, and we'll be treated to the level of whatever escalating bullshit this show seems to have decided on pursuing.

Vampire Tara, standing over Sookie: "I am about to do everyone a huuuuuge favor."
Sookie: "Don't do it! People only do favors for me! Not to me!"

...Oh wait, no. Maybe she'll just be Bubba. Mentally slow, illiterate and ill-spoken, eating cats, used mostly as a human paperweight. Maybe that's how this will go. I sure hope so. That would really be neat and challenging. I mean, weren't the worst things about Tara her intelligence and verbal skills? Wasn't it terrible knowing that one person on this entire show actually read a book once in a while? I sure hope they take care of that for us.

By Jacob Clifton

WEEK

No idea, but I sure hope it doesn't piss me off, because no matter how wavering the quality of this show has been I've always enjoyed loving it, and have never once felt personally attacked, or implicated, until this week. And frankly, you should too. I realize the best way to get screamed at by the privileged is to point out their privilege -- and I've had my share of that bullshit this week -- but as a starting point in the conversation, who knows. All I know is, getting pissed about somebody saying a show has changed usually means they haven't changed the ingredients you showed up for in the first place, which is totally valid. But for some of us, it's been acting for a while now like the show everybody thought it was, rather than the show it actually used to be, and that's tough. Silly, trashy entertainment is fine, if you are yourself silly and trashy; writing creepster screaming emails to a stranger on the internet ("Why don't you like that thing I like? Why won't you validate that for me, stranger on the internet?") about it is also fine, for the exact same reason, that it's a silly, trashy thing to do. My hopes for this season remain untarnished either way. But just in case, have a good weekend, because there is no telling what Sunday will bring.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood, for the time being. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's Smartpop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on tor.com in October 2012.