Outside the MoonGoddess Emporium, Eric and Bill whine about their daughters castigating them for being Sookie-whipped -- but then offer to commit suicide in order to save her from the hostage situation going on inside. It's not played for laughs, but it sure is stupid. That was the most fucked up part of the whole thing, I think, besides that meshuga fire circle and the amazing twists and turns of plot. The witches do a bunch more dumb shit, like even when Marntonia just starts randomly stabbing people, they still don't seem to understand that she is bad news. Maybe they are confused because she is stabbing them with magic, but it's still pretty noteworthy.
Because Marnie did some kind of spell that means Antonia can't leave no matter how crazy she gets, Lala and Jesus take the witch corpse into the bathroom and do some kind of really bad magic that makes the demon face of Jesus blow fire out of it. Out of his face! It's scary. Meanwhile, less scary: Fake-looking shitty CGI fire in a circle around Sookie that makes her cry and scream and everybody worries about her some more. Oh, and Tara calls stupid Roy an Uncle Tom, which made me laugh a little bit.
In the end, Lala and Jesus help Antonia desert the sinking ship that is Marnie, invalidating all of her/their spells and letting the vampires in so they can murder the shit out of Roy, and then shoot Marnie fulla holes. That part was pretty awesome, but not as awesome as -- later that night -- Lafayette holding Jesus's hand through some PTSD stuff and then opening his eyes to find Ghost Marnie floating up there, ready to take over his body!
Other things that happened which tied a bunch of seemingly unrelated storylines together out of nowhere: Sam almost killed Marcus, who was going to kidnap Luna's daughter and run away with Debbie, and then Alcide tussled with him and he died. And then Alcide abjured Debbie, which if you don't know werewolf talk that means he shunned her harder than a Pennsylvania Dutch caught building a newfangled barn. Like, he cannot see or hear her and she doesn't exist in any way. Like in nature, how wolves are always doing Mean Girl shit like that.
Good thing she's not a dangerous drug addict with about two marbles left, or anything. What else? Everything was super fucked up. It was the most fucked-up episode probably of the entire series. Every moment was chock full of WTFuckery. Andy Bellefleur, as we hoped, runs across a faerie in the woods on his way back home, and they do it, and she has an ET finger, and she probes him with it, and he makes some scary promises that will reflect utterly on his central problem of masculinity season. Arlene was more likeable than she has been in years, that was pretty cool to see. Oh, and Jess and Jason are in love and they know it, so it's okay that they're constantly sucking each other's blood and turning Hoyt into a dangerous racist.
So week, finale. The Witch War is now to be fought on a whole different front because it was already over and now that bitch is back and it's Halloween, so probably all dead people will come back and faeries will come and Rene will come and Marcus will be still talking that awful way he talks. And I guess Lafayette will add his fashion sense to Marnie's ghost fashions, and will come out looking like Miss Cleo fucked Zelda Rubenstein.
MOONGODDESS
Outside MoonGoddess, the daughters have had it.
Pam: "I have become an obnoxious one-liner machine!"
Jessica, verbatim: "I am so sick of silvering myself all day every day! I'm pissed off all the time! This is what PMS used to feel like!"
Bill: "Allow me to provide you all with some exposition about how those witches are stuck in there with Antonia Gavilán de Logroño."
Pam: "Everything I say is a catchphrase!"
Sookie: "So on the one hand, my boyfriends are here to blow us up, like I kept telling everybody last week. But on the downside, you witches are dorks on a level I didn't even know existed. I, who dated Bill Compton, am judging you for dorkiness."
Roy: "It's true! I am the worst!"
Marnie: "If this is what it's like having friends, well, I love it. Nobody leaves!"
Some Witch: "Hey, I am out of here. I would rather get eaten by vampires than spend one more second in here smelling this kitty litter place."
Marnie: "If you want to go, you can totally leave whenever you want."
Witch: "That's very reasonable of you. I am going to go home and take a nap."
Marnie: "Just kidding!"
(She stabs her with telepathy, and a knife.)
Marnie: "You guys all saw how that was self-defense, right?"
Everybody Except Roy: "You are fucking exhausting."
Antonia: "All right. I have had enough."
Lafayette: "I have medium powers now, so I am going to explain this scene to you guys as it is happening. If that sounds cutesy and tedious and unnecessary, that's because it is."
Antonia: "Marnie, you have gone crazy. Perhaps there were some hints we all missed."
Marnie: "I'm sorry I killed that witch a second ago, but I have lost my marbles!"
Lafayette: "There is a ghost bitch and they are having a hooker talk about bitch hooker things."
Antonia: "That's why I'm leaving. Remember the last ten times I broke up with you because you're corrupt and selfish and using this whole deal for your own warped pathetic agenda? Those same things."
Lafayette: "That ghost bitch just remembered for the eleventh time that the old hooker sucks."
Marnie: "But what will that entail? Because they've made such a hash of our relationship, your intentions, which one of us is more powerful and why I even need you, that literally anything could happen?"
Lafayette: "The old bitch is talking about how little sense this storyline makes."
Antonia: "What are you going to do, telepathically stab me?"
Lafayette: "Now that ghost hooker is a bitch hooker bitch bitch."
Marnie: "Well maybe all of a sudden I will barf you in reverse and then you can't leave my body. I'm repossessing you!"
Lafayette: "That hooker done puked the bitch back into herself."
Jesus: "That means something magical."
Jason: "I think you vampire guys should stop blowing up that Emporium."
Vampires: "We are caught in a landslide of paranoia. We are cool with killing Sookie right now even though in about one second we will commit suicide for her."
Pam: "What chaps my ass is that this has to do with fucking Sookie. All of a sudden my emotional connection to Eric is childish and whiny. I have lost my feminism."
Vampires: "Yeah, Sookie kind of blows sometimes."
Jason: "Eric, Bill, you have plenty of reasons to be grateful to Sookie, despite the fact that she is constantly fucking everything up for everybody in the world."
Bill & Eric: "Jason is right. We should probably just let Antonia kill us."
Pam: "I spit pointless bile at all times like a misogynistic gay man raised on Golden Girls and Sex & The City might think women actually speak. I'm going to get a mani-pedi or eat some cheesecake and say shocking things."
Nan: "I know, and it's so weird because I was already doing that, back when you were still cool."
Jason: "Jessica, why are you so mad at me?"
Jessica: "Don't worry about it. We don't have time to discuss my boring revolutionary sexuality when there's a whole boring werewolf story to think about."
MARCUS'S PLACE OF BUSINESS
Sam: "Where is Marcus?"
Were: "I am not going to tell you!"
Alcide: "Where is Marcus?"
Were: "I am still not going to tell you!"
WHERE MARCUS IS: HIS HOME
Marcus: "Debbie, look at us. We are two of a kind. Greasy, trashy, and without vanity. Or accountability."
Debbie: "I just want some drugs. And Alcide."
Marcus: "But he won't have babies with you!"
Debbie: "As a woman, that is of paramount importance to me. Keep talking."
Marcus: "Well, I happen to have kidnapped a child earlier today and then stashed her in the other room so we could fuck. It's like a just-add-water family!"
Debbie: "Marcus, I've got a lot on my plate right now. Between being a lunatic and a huge drug addict."
Marcus: "You relapsed into drugs a few hours ago. Why are we having this conversation?"
Debbie: "Being here with you and a kidnapped child makes me feel really special. Keep begging me to run away with you until Alcide comes and kills you. That will make me feel pretty."
Marcus: "The other thing that I love about you is that you don't visibly flinch whenever I speak in this horrible way."
Debbie: "You talk like a Death Eater. You talk like Gambit."
Marcus: "We are in love."
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MOONGODDESS
Jesus: "I am a trained and caring first responder! Let me take this witch corpse in the other room and revive her with regular nursing acumen!"
Marnie: "That's cool, even though I totally murdered her for no reason and I've been steadily building a case in the hopes that people will think it was self-defense."
Jesus: "For my regular first aid treatment of her, I am going to need a bunch of magical herbs, a powerful medium who is my boyfriend, some candles, a magical grimoire, powders, potions, and privacy. Oh, and a scarf that belongs to you."
Marnie: "I see no reason those things wouldn't be necessary for first aid."
Lafayette: "This hooker dead."
Jesus: "I know. We're going to use her corpse to do powerful brujo magic that will get Antonia out of Marnie's body."
Lafayette: "As long as that bitch don't hooker you, bitch."
Marnie: "You guys, seriously I'm sorry about killing that friend of ours for no reason."
Holly: "It was pretty gruesome. And made very little sense."
Marnie: "It's because I feel persecuted."
Sookie: "I get you, because I am the You of Bon Temps."
Marnie: "That means a lot to me. Village retards have to stick together."
Sookie: "This is a parallel we could have explored earlier. But did not."
Sookie: "Also, I have been studying hostage negotiation by watching TV so I know that the magic cliché words are You can end this and You have all the power."
Marnie: "I have all the power. I can end this. Let's negotiate."
ELSEWHERE
Andy talks to himself, walking back to Caroline's house, about what a jerk Terry is for leaving him behind to get sober through a brisk walk. Then a fairy or two appears to him, and immediately one of them blasts him with hand-microwaves, because he smells like V.
Luna and Sam can't figure out where Marcus went with Emma; they think maybe he's in Mexico or Tibet or the moon. Emma literally has to call them on the telephone and explain to them that she is at his house. He kidnapped her to his house. Luna and Sam are not good at solving crimes.
MOONGODDESS
The vampires take down the possessed Sheriffs, and Pam does some more of her Desperate Housewives bullshit, and everybody talks about Antonia Gavilán de Logroño, and finally Marnie comes outside with Sookie. One of the Sheriffs ends up spiderwebbed on the magical barrier around the place, which it turns out is made of sunlight or something. Then this literally happens:
Sookie: "Also, I have been studying hostage negotiation by watching TV so I know that the magic cliché words are You can end this and You have all the power."
Marnie: "I have all the power. I can end this. Let's negotiate."
ELSEWHERE
Andy talks to himself, walking back to Caroline's house, about what a jerk Terry is for leaving him behind to get sober through a brisk walk. Then a fairy or two appears to him, and immediately one of them blasts him with hand-microwaves, because he smells like V.
Luna and Sam can't figure out where Marcus went with Emma; they think maybe he's in Mexico or Tibet or the moon. Emma literally has to call them on the telephone and explain to them that she is at his house. He kidnapped her to his house. Luna and Sam are not good at solving crimes.
MOONGODDESS
The vampires take down the possessed Sheriffs, and Pam does some more of her Desperate Housewives bullshit, and everybody talks about Antonia Gavilán de Logroño, and finally Marnie comes outside with Sookie. One of the Sheriffs ends up spiderwebbed on the magical barrier around the place, which it turns out is made of sunlight or something. Then this literally happens:
Bill & Eric: "You have killed your last vampire. Let Sookie go. Not her friends or Tara, just Sookie. You may not have seen this show before and thus be confused about what we meant."
Marnie: "Oh yeah? What do I get?"
Bill & Eric: "Anything you want."
Marnie: "How about you guys both commit suicide!"
Bill & Eric: "That sounds cool."
Marnie: "Haha, that was just a little joke. Of course you wouldn't... Wait, what?"
Daughters: "The fuck you say?"
Bill & Eric: "Yeah, and that's not even the stupidest thing that's going to happen in this episode."
Marnie: "Okay cool, I will totally let Sookie go if the other two main characters on this show -- who were willing to blow this place up before Jason yelled at them a minute ago -- decide to just up and kill themselves for no reason."Pam: "Uh, no."
She fires a bazooka at the Emporium. It blows up and everybody dies. Just kidding, nothing actually happens except Marnie is validated that you can't negotiate, and Eric tells Pam to go to hell. The only two things that were ever going to happen there -- but still not really an error, because what the fuck were they even thinking with this suicide plotpoint? It's rare that the show is outright confounding.
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Eric: "Pam, goddammit."
Pam: "I fail to see how I'm the bad guy here. Suicide?"
To their credit, everybody except the boys seems to understand why that was stupid and made no sense. Which doesn't solve the problem of it happening in the first place. Then Jessica spots Jason on the ground, where he got blown up by the bazooka. She gives him some blood so they can fall even more in love. Also because his eyeballs got melted.
ELSEWHERE
The fairy's name is Maurella, and she would like some of Andy's policeman semen. First, he has to make some swears on her glowing ET finger -- "Will you protect me? Do you swear to the Light? It is sworn!" -- and then they do it.
Meanwhile, Marcus and Sam fight and fight, and then Sam does the like, "I'm not going to kill you, because you get to live as a pathetic person" thing, and but then Marcus grabs the gun and tries to kill him, so Alcide wrestles him to the ground and he ends up I guess shooting himself? Anyway, Marcus is dead.
So then Alcide stares at Debbie, who has not one leg to stand on here, and does werewolf magic at her: "Debbie Pelt, I abjure you. I see you no longer. I'll hunt with you no longer. I'll share flesh with you no longer." Then she turns invisible to his drama queen ass, and the very last of her marbles goes skittering across the floor, and she's out of there.
MOONGODDESS
Marnie does a spell in the blood of the girl she killed to scry the future, which is that they are going to shoot her in the motherfucking head. She does not share this information with the coven, exactly, just says that they're all going to get murdered if they don't do more spells right now. Which is not what she saw at all, but we've known for a while that Marnie isn't so much a liar as she is dishonest with herself. So you can see how she would twist that one around and then try to get everybody on board to validate her new interpretation of events. This is one of the worst qualities in people and we all do it.
So while Marnie's doing a spell that you've got to see what it is, because it is the funniest and stupidest thing you've ever seen, Jesus and Lafayette are doing their corpse magic in the bathroom. I sure hope that one of those spells saves the main characters of this TV show from the other one!
The vampires all start windmilling their arms around and staggering toward the barrier like I don't even know what to compare it to. The dorkiest thing you ever saw. It's so fucked up that it becomes kind of amazing and they're all like, "Whoooa, whoa!" and flailing their arms around, and Jason's like, "Y'all stop zombie-walking toward that barrier!" But they won't, they won't stop.
So then Alcide stares at Debbie, who has not one leg to stand on here, and does werewolf magic at her: "Debbie Pelt, I abjure you. I see you no longer. I'll hunt with you no longer. I'll share flesh with you no longer." Then she turns invisible to his drama queen ass, and the very last of her marbles goes skittering across the floor, and she's out of there.
MOONGODDESS
Marnie does a spell in the blood of the girl she killed to scry the future, which is that they are going to shoot her in the motherfucking head. She does not share this information with the coven, exactly, just says that they're all going to get murdered if they don't do more spells right now. Which is not what she saw at all, but we've known for a while that Marnie isn't so much a liar as she is dishonest with herself. So you can see how she would twist that one around and then try to get everybody on board to validate her new interpretation of events. This is one of the worst qualities in people and we all do it.
So while Marnie's doing a spell that you've got to see what it is, because it is the funniest and stupidest thing you've ever seen, Jesus and Lafayette are doing their corpse magic in the bathroom. I sure hope that one of those spells saves the main characters of this TV show from the other one!
The vampires all start windmilling their arms around and staggering toward the barrier like I don't even know what to compare it to. The dorkiest thing you ever saw. It's so fucked up that it becomes kind of amazing and they're all like, "Whoooa, whoa!" and flailing their arms around, and Jason's like, "Y'all stop zombie-walking toward that barrier!" But they won't, they won't stop.
Sookie joins the circle that is doing this spell, and just as Jesus is breaking the spell that bound Antonia inside Marnie, she zaps the whole circle with yet another application of her fairy magic, so all the witches go flying and the vampires stop zombie-walking. Eric yells at Pam some more, and she runs away to sulk.
But inside the Emporium, Marnie is pissed at Sookie, and makes this ridiculously shitty circle of fire around her -- even after Tara backs her up that she can't really control the power of her vibes -- and Sookie starts screaming and hopping around in the circle like it's a hoedown. She plays "scared" really well, and I bet it would be scary, and there's thematic pleasure in seeing Marnie use "burning at the stake" in a way that would probably be offensive to Antonia, if they weren't the same person, but the fire looks so cheap and shitty and imaginary that mostly it is comedic.
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Sookie: "Why won't Bill and Eric stop staring at me? Maybe it's because I keep staring at them."
Everybody: Keeps staring at everybody else.
Jessica: "So, how is it going with my blood all up in you?"
Jason: "I'm just happy I managed to talk four pissed-off, dorked-up vampires out of killing my sister. Also, I am high on your blood."
Jessica: "I know that it's tough that we are in love and you're constantly sucking my blood for different reasons, but I want to be a good friend."
REYNOLDS-VELASQUEZ
Jesus: "I have no way of knowing how much this depressed creepy feeling has to do with going demon-faced, or just because we had a really long day with a lot of things happening, or what. You know how sometimes when you have a hangover you feel lots of regret and self-loathing? Perhaps there is a serotonin-reuptake situation about demon faces."
Lafayette: "Hooker you just need some rest. Everybody does black magic in bathrooms with young girls' corpses every now and then."
Jesus: "Also, though, I am sad about how Marnie was a really good friend of mine and, even though she sucked super bad by the end, I still dicked her around a few more times than I like. And then she got shot in the head, right in front of me."
Lafayette: "Well, I'm sure everything will be fine. As long as I don't open my mouth when vengeful ghosts appear, so they can take over my body all the time whenever they feel like it. Goodnight!"
Marnie's Ghost: Appears.
Lafayette: Immediately opens wide.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.
REYNOLDS-VELASQUEZ
Jesus: "I have no way of knowing how much this depressed creepy feeling has to do with going demon-faced, or just because we had a really long day with a lot of things happening, or what. You know how sometimes when you have a hangover you feel lots of regret and self-loathing? Perhaps there is a serotonin-reuptake situation about demon faces."
Lafayette: "Hooker you just need some rest. Everybody does black magic in bathrooms with young girls' corpses every now and then."
Jesus: "Also, though, I am sad about how Marnie was a really good friend of mine and, even though she sucked super bad by the end, I still dicked her around a few more times than I like. And then she got shot in the head, right in front of me."
Lafayette: "Well, I'm sure everything will be fine. As long as I don't open my mouth when vengeful ghosts appear, so they can take over my body all the time whenever they feel like it. Goodnight!"
Marnie's Ghost: Appears.
Lafayette: Immediately opens wide.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.
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