Haha what a horrible episode! What an embarrassing hour of television to find oneself watching. What was your favorite part? I liked when the Porgy & Bess lady flew into outer space because of magic and feelings. That was probably the best part.
Sookie's gunshot wound goes away. Like immediately, during the credits somehow, she gets better. It is cheap and stupid and tells you exactly how dumb the episode is going to be. Alcide and Bill are crying and praying, she's bleeding out, the song plays, and then they're like, "Thank goodness you got better, Sookie." Then she has an annoying dream about a threesome with Bill and Eric, which, this shitty episode manages to make even that concept super boring somehow.
Also what went away is the Witch War. I guess everybody got bored, or their moms started yelling for them from the porch, but either way it just abruptly ends about five minutes into it. There don't seem to have been noticeable casualties, either, since we see most of the people later in the episode. What a dumb Witch War.
Ghost Mavis takes over Hoyt's/her old house and there's a gun standoff with Jason and Andy, Arlene and Terry, and all of them are annoying and trashy and hysterical and repetitive. Especially Arlene, of course. A few homophobic outbursts later, Jesus comes over and gives her some therapy or something, and they dig her dead baby up out of the ground and she sings to it, the dead baby I mean, and Lafayette glows and the ghost comes out of his head, and they all kiss and hug, and it's so fucking stupid.
Sam decides to take Luna and Emma camping, because he wasn't already being smarmy enough about them, so he decides to get cute and later on he turns into a literal fucking bunny rabbit. Then Luna and Sam fuck, finally, so I guess the message is that if you keep stalking somebody and act super creepy toward their kids, eventually you can have all the abnormally large nipple action you ever wanted.
Tommy, meanwhile, is summoned to a meeting with Packmaster Marcus in Sam's form which is like four werewolf heavies, plus Alcide. They kick his ass so hard that he turns back into Tommy, while Alcide acts like he's powerless to stop them beating him up, and finally stops them beating him up, and takes him home. Which, Alcide does not have a great history of dealing with people like Tommy, Debbie for example -- or Sookie! -- who are so broken they don't even know they are fucking you over.
Jason later helpfully brings Jessica a box of her stuff (helpfully labeled, "FOR YOU MONSTER") and then helpfully fucks her in his pickup truck while a radically inappropriate Taylor Swift song awkwardly plays. This all happens in broad gestural strokes, while for some reason the technical vagaries of Hoyt needing pants, he has no pants, where are the pants, for some reason they spend half the episode talking about this pants issue, on the way to getting Andy back on V. But tiny things like Jason and Jessica fucking, or why Sookie died and then undied during the credits, you can just fill in the blanks yourself on that stuff, loser.
Also back on V is Debbie Pelt, who is getting more and more confusing. She helps Sookie get into MoonGoddess -- where all the witches are now being held hostage by a power-mad Marnie -- but then tries to sell her out to Marnie, but it doesn't work? I don't know what's going on with Debbie. I think Debbie is also confused about what's going on with Debbie. Back at MoonGoddess, Marnie leaves the witches locked up inside with a spell on the doorknobs that burns your skin. So the witches run from doorknob to doorknob and burn their hands off just to make sure, because they are morons.
Eric is also being held hostage by Marnie, and it turns out that the plan is to set Eric, as well as the other Sheriffs, on Bill during the Tolerance Thing in Shreveport. There is much chaos at the end of the episode, and lots of running around and getting filmed by those gotcha webcast guys from before, and lots of Nan being amazing, and lots of Bill and Nan vaguely fighting about nothing in particular. We leave them variously camping, running around screaming while the vampire Sheriffs commit post-Russell Edgington murders, Sookie stomping all over the place, and Tommy bleeding in Alcide's arms.
week: Tommy dies, and then the credits, and then Alcide is like, "I'm so glad you got better, Tommy." And then Tommy has a threesome dream about Alcide and... I'm going to say Hoyt. That sounds pretty good, right?
So I guess how it went down is once Bill saved Tara from Pam in the middle of the Spooky Witch Fight, he ran off to Sookie's house. Meanwhile, Marnie was doing her magic on Eric, so she left with him in tow. And I guess they kept fighting for a second, and then realized that the idiots that got them into this fight were gone, and they decided to stop dying and head back to base. I guess that's how it happened, although I don't know that a regular fight would go that way. But nobody there was really interested in fighting, besides Marnie and -- symptomatically -- Eric.
First we catch up with Sookie and Alcide and what's going on there is that Bill is trying to get her to drink some blood while Alcide looks all huffy in the corner of her house. But she won't drink the blood! Because she is dead! And then those two boys get barfy.
Alcide: "Well? Ain't there anything else we can do?"
Bill: "We can pray."
Alcide: "Werewolf and a vampire? Who's gonna listen?"
Then they both stare into space and feel bad about Jesus or something? Personal drama, I guess, that we never even knew about. Neither of them has felt particularly bad about their lot specifically in this way before, and it's at odds with the show's general attempts at basing their abilities in science and the secular world, but whatever. For the purposes of this scene -- which, as we'll see, has nothing to do with the rest of the episode, much less the series as a whole -- they're both damned and depressed about it. How sad that they kept it hidden from us for so long. I guess that's what it is, to be a man. A vampire or a werewolf man.
WITCHHOUSE
All the witches bitch about how they were attacked by vampires, which isn't what happened, and then they yell at Marnie for bringing Eric home with them, so she explains through a demonstration that Eric is hers to command. That one dorky guy with the beard, of course, loves that. Not because he's an actual person or character, you understand, but because he's the cardboard face we can hang that particular response on -- "Witchcraft oui! Vampires non!" every single time anything happens.
Tara: "Hey, how come you ignored Bill trying to be cool to you? And got us killed?"
Marnie: "Let's do some more witch stuff!"
Holly: "No, seriously though. How come."
Marnie: "I said witch stuff!"
Holly & Tara: "Maybe this is a terrible idea and we should talk about it like good Wiccans. I'll go get the conch."
Marnie: "No! No thinking! I am locking everybody up inside this Emporium! Magically!"
Also:
Marnie: "MY NAME IS ANTONIA GAVILÁN DE LOGROÑO!"
We know. God.
SOOKIE STACKHOUSE'S SOOKIE STACKHOUSE
Bill & Alcide, verbatim: "Sookie, you made it!"
Sookie, verbatim: "Where's Eric?"
I mean, how cheap. How dumb. How dumb this episode is. Sookie heads immediately out to find Eric, pissing off both of her other boyfriends, and Alcide has the same epiphany he's had in every episode this season, where he realizes that vampires are bullshit and that Sookie is 100% about vampire bullshit, so he storms out, and then Bill offers to go find Eric for her, because... who knows why. I guess to shut her up. And she's like, "Thanks for the blood. I guess you're okay whenever you are doing exactly what I want." Bill seems to agree.
Alcide goes back to his house, where Debbie is passive-aggressively watching Cheaters, and slides into bed. When Alcide is naked he's like five times more naked than anybody you've ever seen. She smells Sookie on him, and her eyes glow all wolflike.
LUNA & SAM
Luna asks Sam to leave her house, because her werewolf ex-husband is freaky and gross and will probably come back to menace everybody greasily some more. Sam, having been asked to leave somebody else's home, refuses. Sam asks Luna to run away from the problem, and Luna says no, because that is pathetic, so he keeps asking and asking and asking and getting more and more inappropriate and creepy, and finally she says yes. Yes, fine -- we will go camping. Now I have two shapeshifter children to deal with.
My Barbie that is a cat hates this episode. My Barbie that is a pony also hates this episode.
CASTLE COMPTON
Because she's not a nuanced young woman with a pretty serious story of her own, Jessica whines and lolls about indolently on the side of Bill's desk (aren't teenage girls just the worst?) telling Nan endlessly about her Hoyt-and-Jason problem. And then Nan says she no longer wants to be a mother, because teenage girls are stupid. Teenage girls are like how stupid women are, plus how stupid children are, and if you add them together, you get Jessica. So Nan, who is a one-dimensional frigid bitch and probably even a lesbian given her position of power in the AVL, no longer wants to have kids.
Then Bill gets home and Nan informs him that she's sleeping there, because they have the Tolerance Thing in the morning, or when the sun goes back down. The three of them silver themselves again, and then Nan takes out her penis envy and unfeminine aggression by nattering on at Bill about this and that. He turned that one lady's death into an It Gets Better, which was good, but then he decided not to kill Eric Northman and lost him to the witches, which was bad.
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Bill wants to cancel the Tolerance Thing, but for secret reasons awkwardly telegraphed by Nan, there's something having to do with vampire "factions" that make the thing -- which is a tiny rally for vampires that no vampires will actually be at -- absolutely imperative. (Note: This won't come up again in this episode, and the whole thing is such a sad little goat rodeo that it's hard to imagine there being even one single point, much less ulterior points, to it.)
Bill yells at Nan Flanagan for somehow forcing him to start a war with the witches and lose track of Eric, and he's so convinced of this, and it has so much to do with how Nan conducts herself, but we've seen no evidence of any of this -- or reasons for Bill to bitch at her -- that it just kind of falls flat. I guess the point is that Nan only cares about PR, whereas Bill cares about... what? What does Bill care about that isn't totally part of Nan's agenda, that gives him the organic grass-fed upper hand here?
The strokes are so broad that I don't even know if it matters. It seems like literally the point of this scene is that they are fighting and that she is a cold bitch and that Bill knows a little something about something.
HOYT'S HOUSE
Lafayette, the baby, the doll and the gun come over to Hoyt's house -- Mavis's house when she was alive, obviously -- and interrupt him putting all of Jessica's stuff in a box marked FOR YOU, MONSTER. She doesn't have a lot of stuff, I guess because they've only lived there for a year and she's been so busy not eating and working at Merlotte's that she didn't have time to buy more than a couple books and some hairspray.
Anyway, Hoyt asks Mavis to vacate and she waves the gun around, so he leaves instead. Meanwhile, Arlene and Terry are freaking out about their missing baby and Andy's fiending for some V, which makes the already intractable hell of Arlene even harder to deal with. She goes through the couch cushions -- when you've got a devil baby on your hands that you hate, but suddenly are obsessed about, it's best you leave no stone unturned -- and uncovers a vial of V. So then everybody starts talking about pants.
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Hoyt has called Jason and asked him to please come stop Lafayette from being crazy in his house, and also to bring him some pants. So then there is a bunch of awkward staging and dialogue wherein Andy sneaks around the corner -- ostensibly to get some pants -- and drinks the V and shudders with pleasure and then they head over to Hoyt's house to rescue both the baby and Hoyt from his pants situation. Who goes along with is: Everybody. Why they do this is: Arlene is too trashy and horrible to shut up long enough for you to tell her to stay away from the dude with a gun and her hostage baby.
Used to be that Terry was the best thing about Arlene, but somehow she has instead become the worst thing about him. I know he's erratic and shell-shocked and none too smart, but he's still a Bellefleur and he still deserves his dignity, and being with a person as vapid and gross as Arlene is really putting a damper on that. Used to be you'd be happy to see Terry, because he is good and sweet and intuitive and kind, but now it's just pre-annoying because you know Arlene is about to attack.
DUMB THREESOME DREAM: DINING ROOM
Sookie has a dumb threesome dream about Bill and Eric fighting over her, where the actual parts of the conversation are missing so you have to keep inferring what the hell she's talking about based on what she talks about . I think it's partially on purpose, but I also think it's lazy in places. They cover how she is variously Mine and Mine, depending on who's talking, and how much they love her, and they whine and act stupid, because in Sookie's dreams everybody is stupid and nobody ever talks like a person. Then she yells at them to go into the living room, because she was to this point dreaming in the dining room.
MERLOTTE'S
Tommy sounds out a letter to Sam about how sorry he is for raping his girlfriend, but gets interrupted by Marcus and some werewolf heavies, which means everybody gets to pull out their best "I can smell something" acting. Marcus laughs about how Sam is a shapeshifter and his brother is also a shapeshifter, for some reason, and then hands Tommy his card. It says something like Packmaster & Motorcycle Repair, and on it are directions for Sam to his ass-beating. Tommy gets a bad idea and then another bad idea in rapid succession. Little does Marcus know that of the two brothers, it's only Tommy that has yet slept with Marcus's ex-wife. One of the many problems here.
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HOYT'S HOUSE
Andy forgot the pants, if you were worried about the pants situation. He knocks on the door and Lafayette yells at him in that Creole Porgy and Bess talk and knocks down the door with V power, but follows through and ends up on the floor with Mavis's/his own gun in his face, so then Jason has to save them both. At about this time, Jason figures out that Andy is tripping balls, because Terry tries to rush the house and Andy pounds his cousin into the lawn so that he won't get shot by the transvestite hooker inside the house that stole his possessed stepson.
CAMPING
Emma, the shapeshifter or werewolf child, literally chases a bunny rabbit through the campsite while Sam and Luna talk about how right Sam was to order Luna and her child around like they've known each other more than a couple of days. Emma talks about bunnies almost as much as the Bellefleurs kept talking about pants, and then Sam once again gets super sketchy with the kid, turning into a bunny and letting her pet him, which dazzles Luna even more than all of the other inappropriate boyfriend stuff he keeps doing to her. Also, this happens:
Emma: "At school we have this regular bunny. She lets you hold her. These nature bunnies, all they do is run away."
Sam: "That's because nature bunnies are smart and like to exercise. School bunnies are fat and lazy."
Luna: "Um, we don't say 'fat.'"
Jacob: "Um, that is 'retarded' and 'gay.'"
DUMB THREESOME DREAM: LIVING ROOM
Sookie, verbatim: "I could be dreaming about anything. I could be swimming with dolphins or eating a whole pie without any consequences but instead I'm here with the two of you. Now that's gotta mean something. I'm afraid to ask what."
Answer: "It is because you drank both of their blood, you dumbass."
She says she is in love with both Eric and Bill, which makes sense since it's only been a week since she broke up with one and started dating the other, and she says that she doesn't want to be His or His, but they can be Hers. Which actually is kind of interesting, because one of the things that makes "Mine" as a concept so interesting is that it also presumes power -- "You are Mine because I protect you from other vampires" -- and she does end up saving those boys' asses a tremendous amount.
Anyway, she says this and they say, "What?" and she says, "Stop judging me," and they say, "We didn't say anything," and she says, "Feminism," and they say, "We still haven't said anything yet, you're just blatantly putting words in our mouths," and the whole scene is backwards and dumb and barely sketched out at all, and after Sookie has delivered these ridiculous lines in the most wooden, unsexy possible way, they have the most awkward, painful-looking couch make-out of all time. It's not even a threesome, it's an... I don't know what. I didn't expect to see Bill and Eric doing each other, nothing like that was necessarily on the agenda, but certainly it should be less chaste or skin-crawling than watching a couple of Gomezes kiss their way up Morticia's arms, smoochy-smooch-smooch, while Sookie kneels on the couch between them looking like she's holding in a fart.
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DEBBIE DOES DRUGBUYING
Absurdly Helpful Drug Dealer: "Here are some drugs. Don't overdo them! I care about your welfare."
Weirdly Hostile Debbie: "I used to suck blood out of real vampires back in Mississippi, don't tell me my business. YOU CUNT."
HOYT'S HOUSE
Jason talks Andy through his trip, and then Jesus shows up and Jason asks him a bunch of dick-headed questions about his sex life, and Terry says a bunch of Army words at him, and then Jesus goes into the house and Jason almost starts crying, it's so stupid, he's like crouching there whimpering literally: "Goddamn it he's a nurse, he's just a nurse, oh fuck." I think that's the part where I just actively went hostile on this episode.
Jesus: "Hey girl! I am a brujo. I sacrifice animals for dark magics."
Mavis: "That makes me feel more comfortable because I am not superstitious and from hundreds of years ago."
Jesus: "I am also gay."
Mavis: "There is a lot going on right now."
Jesus: "You need to get out of my boyfriend."
Mavis: "Your who now? Oh, you know what? I have a penis. I think maybe I possessed somebody."
Jesus: "I can help you not be possessed, okay?"
Mavis: "Does it involve rudimentary psychoanalysis? Because ghosts are post-traumatic casualties of their deaths and often just need to relive the moments of their trauma in order to glow and fly out of people while Spielberg music plays. I read that once."
Jesus: "That sounds like a very interesting book. Now first of all, do you need a hug?"
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SOOKIE STACKHOUSE'S SOOKIE STACKHOUSE
Debbie, after tweaking out in her car for awhile: "Hey, Sookie! I was just in town buying some drugs -- as you can tell from my totally tweaked demeanor and unsettling micro-expressions -- and I thought I would drop by and... SHOOT YOU WITH THIS GUN."
Sookie: "What? Do you know where Eric is?"
Debbie: "Just kidding, it's flowers! I bought you flowers. Can we have a long talk?"
Sookie: "I've got nothing else going on right now, come on in."
Debbie: "I am sorry I tried to kill you a bunch of times, and kidnapped you, and tried to eat your boyfriend, but I was going through a lot. Good thing I'm not doing drugs anymore or I could be real unstable."
Sookie: "Just being in this room with you makes me feel like I'm on drugs. I need you to understand that Alcide is in love with you, and you need to stop being jealous of me, okay?"
Debbie: "Depending on the given episode, or given scene, or sometimes in the middle of a sentence, I totally get that."
Sookie: "Okay. It's established that I can only rarely use my telepathic powers on werewolves, so can I use my telepathic powers on you?"
Debbie: "I think this will be one of those times where you can hear my thoughts perfectly well."
Sookie: "Okay, your perfectly clear thoughts tell me that you do not pose a threat, whatever your jittery insane menace is telling my other five senses. Now, would you like to do me some favors? Because my entire life is asking ridiculous people to do things they would never in their right minds do."
Debbie: "I would like nothing better than to do you many favors. Maybe drugs, but that's it."
GHOST THERAPY
Jesus walks Mavis through the night she got herself stabbed because she wouldn't leave that dude alone even after he buried their dead baby. It takes a while, but honestly just listening to that vernacular makes me feel racist in some way and I can't handle it. It's like Natalie Wood in West Side Story when they do that. Eventually, Jesus figures out that the lover, Mssr. Virgil, buried the baby under this tree in Hoyt's yard. Yep.
So they go out there and start digging around for her dead baby, after Mavis hands Mikey over to Arlene and Terry -- "Don't worry about it, sometimes these things happen. We still love you, Lafayette," Terry says, as if trying to trick me back into loving this episode -- and everybody meets Mavis officially, and Andy is still hiding behind the truck in some kind of K-hole. Or like V-hole.
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MARCUS WEREWOLF'S MOTORCYCLES & PACKMASTERIN'
Alcide drops by Marcus's to say he wants to be more of a leader in the pack, because that might keep Debbie from going back to being crazy. Marcus says a bunch of clichéd stupid things during this conversation that don't matter, because you can't be expected to differentiate between the crappiness of Marcus and the crappiness of this episode. And then Marcus asks Alcide's help -- as the sexiest and most gigantic man in America -- with intimidating Sam out of dating Luna. As though anybody could do that. As though it's up to anybody. As though it's up to Luna, for chrissake.
Alcide says he doesn't want to beat anybody up, and Marcus, who clearly has figured out how dumb Alcide is, says they're just going to have a meeting with Sam about his future beating-up. Then they drink a beer, and Alcide seems pretty happy to be there, which is just so irritating because Marcus is just so below his station.
THE GHOST SUCKENER
Jason tells Andy that his junkie ass is not forgiven and they are going to have an intervention, and Terry finally digs up the corpse of the baby. This part should have a trigger warning. Not for dead babies or health hazards but because it is so barfingly awful. She gets the baby in her arms and kisses it and sings that song at it some more, and then she comes floating out of Lafayette's face in a golden glowing way, and Terry and Arlene start crying, everybody's crying, it's so touching and moving and miraculous:
Independent Ghost Mavis: "Monsieur Lafayette, tank you fo everyting."
Insufferably Gracious Lala: "You got it, bitch."
Maybe it's just that the show has gotten too awesome to understand, because the assonance between the music and the adoring faces and then him calling her bitch almost seems like something that would happen on this show. It just shouldn't be so painful to experience, I guess. Like how Sex Narnia was funny, but not funny enough to justify taking us there. I'm willing to leverage the possibility that any of the things that pissed me off with this episode -- which number precisely: all the things of this episode -- might have been okay in other episodes. But I don't think I'm that bad at my job, or that stupid at TV, that I would just randomly develop an allergy like this. I think we just rolled snake eyes this time.
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And it's a mulligan, I feel like I should say that. When people say "such-and-such show is so bad now" or "X show is losing me," it always weirds me out because what about the episode? Or when I would write about faultier episodes of other beloved shows, I would get it in the ass and it's like, "The show isn't suddenly bad, and I don't even know who you are so it's not like I'm attacking you for watching this show that we both love, it just sucks that this episode failed so fundamentally." So yeah. Dumb episode, awesome show, whatever. Act change. Three left. What is happening makes sense in context of the season, I don't have a problem with the story. It's just the bullshittiness of how it happened this time, this one time, or else there's a major lynchpin that I just cannot see which makes this episode less shitty or even genius.
MOONGODDESS
Like, this scene. Debbie comes and harasses Marnie, who's still got everybody locked up inside, so that Sookie can climb in the back and get Eric out of there. They don't know that the others are being held against their will, so it makes sense that Sookie doesn't care about the rest of them. So Debbie talks all about how she's a werewolf, and they hate vampires, and do the witches need help, and meanwhile Eric is admitting that he's under a compulsion to kill Bill at the Tolerance Thing.
Then Tara appears, pulls a gun on Sookie, and starts whisper-yelling at her for coming there. Debbie sees that going on behind Marnie, and suddenly she's like, "I brought you Sookie also!" which, why would you do that. I'm not being sassy, like I honestly don't understand how or why this scene works like this. So Tara, in a belabored fashion, eventually psychics to Sookie that they're being held hostage, but also that Bill is at the Tolerance Thing.
Which Sookie already knew. But now it's very important that she know this, so she runs out of the building somehow and Tara pretends it was Sookie's killer instincts that overpowered her, and Debbie's out in the truck, I think, preparing to leave Sookie in the lurch. But then Sookie shows up and yells at her to drive to Shreveport, so they can... know that Bill is there some more. Or I guess beat Eric there, so then he can kill them too.
Back inside, Marnie locks the witches in the Emporium until she gets back, and takes off with Eric. Tara immediately tries a doorknob, as if maybe Marnie was just kidding or it was just a suggestion, and it burns the shit out of her hands, and this dialogue happens:
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Tara: "Ow, it burned my hand!"
Wiccan who has noticed that Tara's hands are smoking: "Are you all right?"
Tara: "Try the front door! Maybe it won't also burn your hand!"
Wiccan who thinks that'll work: "I'm already on it!"
ibid.: "Ow! It also burned my hands!"
Wiccans: "Let's all go around touch all the doorknobs and window latches and other surfaces we shouldn't be touching until we all catch fire!"
So if you're wondering how Marnie got all those witches together in the first place -- much less spurred them into vampire combat armed only with soup ladles and engraved dining platters -- I guess that's your answer: They are too stupid to live.
"Ow! It keeps burning me! When I touch it!"
TOLERANCE THING
Another conversation I don't understand between Bill and Nan, which relies on our understanding of conversations they've never had and a relationship they don't have, which once again devolves into a nitpicky, offensive argument about jackshit nothing.
Bill: "How can you have an event in honor of the living dead without any living dead? It's like having a civil rights protest without any black people."
Nan: "They're called African Americans?"
(What?)
Nan: "And maybe those protests wouldn't have turned into the bloodbaths they became if they hadn't been there."
(Fucking WHAT?)
Nan: "...Ever consider that?"
Um, no? Because it's stupid? Are they saying that Nan Flanagan wrote The Help? What are they even saying? To what real-world issue does this relate? Certainly not the age-old angst of white-people guilt, right? You're surely not suggesting that the civil rights movement would have been less of a quote "bloodbath" if there had been less black people involved, right? Because that would be crazy. Who's she even espousing?
And again, this is a deal where I trust the show enough that I'm just spinning my wheels trying to figure out why the fuck it's even happening, what kind of point there is to any of this, and I got to the point of making excuses where I thought maybe Anne Coulter or some actual nutty shitbag like that said something this dumb and I was like, "No, I don't have time for that. For any of this. It takes an ass to fill every seat, and that sometimes includes my ass, so no, I'm not going to meet you halfway on this one. Too many strikes already."
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Just savage. I seethed. For an entire hour of watching the best show. You guys, I recap Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars. As my job. I've quit shows when they pissed me off this bad. I say this to illustrate how much I love the show and more importantly how much leeway I desperately want to give it. But I mean, the lady actually floated away with her baby. That really happened. And the witches really truly ran around touching the doorknobs and screaming while their skin sizzled and listening to each other scream and their skins sizzle. I just can't find a place to stand in that.
LIFE IN A POST-MAVIS SOCIETY
Jason helps Hoyt put his front door back together, sort of, and then Hoyt asks him to take the monster box over to Jessica at Bill's. Jason doesn't want to, because he and Jessica are feeling feelings and stuff, but because none of them know about the blood thing necessarily they have to play it above board, so Hoyt simply asks as Jason's one and only Bubba. A request which Jason cannot deny.
CAMPING
Sam and Luna do it. I guess Luna really likes the way Sam has creepily ingratiated himself into their lives. You know how strongly I feel about descriptive/prescriptive and I would never say, "This show did a wrong thing because what if a single mom watched this show and then her boyfriend acted like this, she would have no way of knowing that what he's saying is, I'm actually a child molester." And while horrible things do happen, I don't think there's a single real person in that grey-area Venn diagram who's in a vulnerable enough position that something terrible happens to her family, and also so terribly stupid that she thinks a show about vampires and "shapeshifters" is real and that she should go along with whatever Luna goes along with. That person is imaginary. On the other hand, how are you supposed to even give a shit about any of this when what Sam is saying is, "I am a child molester who has come to molest your daughter, let's go camping, you can come if you want, like if you insist," And Luna's like, "Go for it, here are some pepperoni nipples for your trouble." I mean, though, I guess that's how you end up having married Marcus. On the other hand, she's a crusader for bunny rabbit body issues, so I guess score one for feminism.
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SAM MEANWHILE
Is also coming into Marcus's automotive concern, ready to act snotty with a bunch of werewolves, because Tommy has a lot to atone for and was trained by his family to believe that you show love by getting beat up for them. (This part works for me.) So he steps to Marcus and pleads honesty when he says that he -- as Sam -- never slept with Luna -- except for right this second, which he doesn't know about -- and this is confusing for Marcus, because he plainly saw Luna offering Sam dinner which means they are doing it. But then Tommy gets ahead of himself and admits that his brother -- which is him himself -- did have sex with Luna. He does not mention that he raped her, but all this is confusing enough for the werewolves as it lies, so forget it.
So then the werewolves beat him up, and Alcide watches them beat him up with some weak protests, and then, finally, when they literally beat the Sam out of him, Alcide starts tossing werewolves around the place and grabs Tommy and jams. So I guess now he's in trouble with Marcus too. Mostly I just want Marcus to get the real story, because things are really messed up right now and a little honest communication would really clear some things up.
SOOKIE IS
Bitching at Debbie right now to drive faster so they can get to Bill at the Tolerance Thing and warn him that Eric is going to kill him.
TOLERANCE THING
Nan's Speech: "Today's media landscape is ratings-driven and unfortunately it's the Russell Edgingtons of the world who drive ratings. But facts are facts even if the fact is that facts are almost never heard. So let's hear some shall we? Fact. From July of last year..."
Nan's got the Sheriffs along with regular SWAT security, so of course Eric goes to find them first, and the second they've got him "cornered," Marnie appears and bespells them too -- Dumb witch guy? Loving it, by the way -- so now all four remaining Sheriffs of Louisiana are her vassals or whatever.
Nan: "Fact. Human-on-vampire crime was also down almost 20%..."
COMPTON CASTLE
Jessica and Jason make it about one minute into a fairly cute conversation...
Jason: "It's all your stuff. Hoyt said he said he wanted you to have 'em, so..."
Jessica: "Is that how he said it?"
Jason: "I might be parrot-phrasing a little."
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...And then they fuck in the back of his truck while a weirdly triumphant, not very high-quality Taylor Swift song plays for like one second.
TOLERANCE THING
Sookie disposes of Debbie, having gotten her ride to the Thing, and heads inside, where Bill is finishing up his post-Russell Edgington speech ("...A message of hate can seduce an impressionable mind far more readily than a message of love, which means we must remain vigilant...") in front of his all-human audience when all hell breaks loose, and the Sheriffs pull out the guts of SWAT guys on all the swagged balconies above the stage, and they're running roughshod through the crowd, and everybody's there to see it, the merry Fellowship webcam pranksters are taping it, and then because no chaos is truly chaotic without her ass in the middle of it, Sookie runs up in the middle of everything and screams, "RUN!"
episode: Will, by default, be the best episode in weeks.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, and Pretty Little Liars, for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.
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