Pictures Of The Floating World

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 08-22-2010 · S03E10

Sookie is a faerie, as in elf, as in Midsummer Night's Dream. Yes, she thinks that's as lame as you do. And yes, it's because she doesn't know how scary they actually can get. It would seem one of the Fae got with one of her female ancestors, maybe not by her express consent, and also vampires find faeries so delightfully tasty that maybe they are extinct now due to being eaten all the time. As is Sookie's wont, she thinks about this for about five seconds and then starts terrorizing everybody. Eric shows up to yell at Bill for the usual mysterious stuff he yells at Bill about, and we learn that Sophie-Anne's interest in Sookie had to do with her blood's possible side effect of letting you walk around in the daytime.

Tara, not knowing that Franklin's death has reactivated Jason's turning-point freakouts over Eddie's death and Eggs's death, thinks they are in the same PTSD boat. On the one hand, she finally comes clean to Sookie about just how bad things got with Franklin, and gives her a sort of ultimatum about their friendship v. dating Bill. Jason takes care of her for awhile and they almost hook up. Jason makes the only good decision of the entire episode and tells her about Eggs, so Tara goes running off to find her Prom dress more than likely, so she can get good and bonkers again. Sookie runs off to yell at Eric some more, so Bill yells at Jason, who in turn rescinds Bill's invitation to his house. Meanwhile, Crystal is totally a panther.

Lafayette gives Calvin Norris a drop of V to save him after Sam beat him up so bad. Cal's upset by this, since that has made his panther blood impure, and even more upset by the fact that Crystal's not interested in being part of Hotshot's illustrious werepanther inbreeding program. Jesus, on the other hand, is totally intrigued by the magical effects of V, which he realizes is more of a shamanic tool and less of a drug for white trash werewolf Nazis. He convinces Lafayette to have some with him, and so for their second date they go rummaging through each other's ancestry. It is a lollapalooza of white liberal NPR fetishizing the Other: Beloved's there eatin' butter, gettin' raped by slaveowners, old brujas doin' fertility magic, there's voodoo dolls, an old Indian chief crying because you littered that time, Sandra Bullock and Michelle Pfeiffer save some kids, you got wolves cryin' under the blue corn moon, the whole authentic nine.

Turns out Jesus and Lala are both descended from way-powerful sorcerers and witches. Which explains a lot about Lafayette and Tara, not to mention their respective batshit moms. Furthermore, we learn that fatherless Jesus's worldwide tour with Mami was due to her father's "big plans" for J's magical gift, which seem to involve blackest sorcery, or at least painting with all the colors of the wind with a bone through his nose.

Sam... Oh, Sam. So apparently five years ago or so, he was trying to get some money together to start Merlotte's, with the help of a lovely young lady whom it turned out double-crossed him and eventually got accidentally murdered. It's not that interesting, although Sam gets to do a lot of acting with various hairstyles, and we learn that... Well, I'm not sure what we learn other than that this entire season about Sam's family has really just been a love letter to Sam Trammell for being beautiful and a very good actor. Which we kind of already knew. But finding out he used to be a Mickens all on his own and eventually worked his shit out doesn't really add much to anything, because we knew that, too. Plus, after you lose your virginity to God I'm not sure a Gordon Gekko haircut is really gonna be all that shocking.

Nan does PR cleanup after Russell's amazing scene last week, but anti-vampire sentiment is at an all-time high. While Russell finds -- and stakes -- a human hustler who resembles Talbot except for being super hot, Jessica is horrified by a burning cross and various brickbats at the old Compton place. She and Bill share another wonderful father/daughter moment, and eventually she finds herself once again flirting with Tommy Merlotte. However, Hoyt finally breaks up with Summer and comes into the bar talking all kinds of Jesus Freak talk about how they should be together. She's still unsure, so he leaves the bar, and Tommy gives him shit, so he awesomely punches Tommy, who turns into a pitbull and savages him. Jessica comes out, admits she's in love with him, and makes him drink her blood for the injuries. And lo, it is awesome.

Arlene's falling for the anti-vamp party line from Steve Newlin (Hi!), but approaches Wiccan Holly in the hopes of stopping this pregnancy some herbal way. This even after Arlene comes clean to Terry -- well done -- who of course tells her he's fine with raising another man's baby, because he loves her and he loves their child. It's super-sweet, and very Terry, and as usual disgusting Arlene deserves nothing in this life but somehow makes it through anyway.

Eric is in a bad way. He starts the night making out a will to ensure that Pam will inherit all of his stuff, and continually telling Pam he's not going to sell Sookie out. He yells at Yvetta and then hits Bon Temps for a second to say goodbye and needle Bill about the Sophie Secret, which of course eventually causes Sookie to hit out for Shreveport to ask what he's on about. Pam yells more and eventually invokes Godric's name, which causes Eric to lock Sookie up in the dungeon, steel collar and all, without really explaining himself.

I'm sure he's got a great, horrible plan that will save everybody, though. And for an episode that's all about not making other people's decisions for them, it's a fitting way to end: Eric doing to Sookie as literally as possible what Bill ends up doing to her on pretty much a weekly basis. Thinkin' probably she won't be as nice about it with Eric, no matter how much kissing they do when he's not screwing her over, but maybe she'll surprise us.

Flashback to me at fourteen: "I'm a fairy? How fucking lame." Bill tries to explain to Sookie about how "Fairy" is but one of the names of the thing she is, but of course they all sound about that stupid. The internet is mostly just those words, in different contexts. Back when they had bookstores, it was a lot of that, in big fat paperbacks with Michael Whelan covers. Also Etsy, Etsy is full of fairies. You can spell it a variety of ways but all it really means is "People that look human but aren't human, that will fuck you up." You might also know them as "aliens."

Which is very True Blood, if you think about it, and another iteration of one of my favorite things about the show: There is no Them, ever; not even the Gods are ever Them. Aliens would by definition come from somewhere other than here; the Fae were here first. They define "here." And all the stories, from changelings and Communion to their long slender bodies and their great big eyeballs, are put off on alien abduction scenarios because A) We can't imagine anything that strange being so close to home, or so central to our longings, and B) We can't stand the idea of being out here alone.

It all comes down to the same exact story, but with the primary difference shifted from "us/them" to "in/out." Vampires are dead rattlesnakes animated by human blood and magic, shifters are who-knows-what, Weres are the most earthly beasts of all, and the Fae have Nature Herself running through their veins. There is no Them, no aliens, because it's all us. Stuck on a rock together.

Which is good if you're strong, because then you have access to everything: No territory is denied you. You are invited into a complete and shining world. (That's what V is about.)

But it's but bad if your areas of blindness or weakness or sadness -- Steve Newlin, Arlene Fowler, Russell Edgington, Tara Thornton -- can't handle it, because then you're projecting your lacking parts and your sad parts and the areas of your blindness onto the world, which puts you at odds against your own existence. The broken world is a terrible place, full of shadows and shame and clicking bugs and secret doors opening on sickness; you'll never understand that you're the one making it that way. (That's also what V is about.)

As she always expected, then, Sookie is an alien. Bill says only mostly, because one of her female ancestors -- on Grandpa Earl's side; this was all very different in the books -- um, "coupled" with a Fae. Because BTW, in addition to being lame and aliens, sometimes they also raped you a little bit. Bill explains that he got all of this out of a lady named Claudine, and explains her Garden thusly: "Bon Temps Cemetery. Only it... It was someplace else, and it was day. But it wasn't painful, it was beautiful." Yes, there was a pond, and he came out of it, though the water didn't sparkle and he couldn't even touch it. Sookie, of course, is thrilled to be talking about herself.

"I was there too!" Sookie says about Claudine accusing him of Light-stealing and Bill's like right, that's the other thing: "Every supernatural I have ever met believes the Fae were wiped out of existence by vampires." I'm intrigued, having this come out at the same time as Russell offering to extinctify/enslave humanity, like, vampires already did this one time before? And all the faeries had to run away to the nonstop Burning Man lingerie show in Sookie's mind? And it's just one more thing on a lengthening list of totally fake things about her relationship that she didn't know about before? And most importantly, all this time Sookie thought she was special? But nope, she's just this... Museum curiosity that happens to be delicious. She's like Tim Gunn, for vampires.

One time Jason Stackhouse loved a vampire named Eddie, and when he died it was like his Daddy died all over again. It fucked him up so bad he joined a cult, where he thought they'd teach him to be a man. A few weeks later, he killed a man and not even Andy Bellefleur could save him. Right now, Franklin Mott is exploding in front of him: Both murders that fucked him up, happening again right in front of him at once. Eddie's blood, Eggs's face. And Tara's standing there thinking he's just stepped in to save her like he always used to do. She has no idea what's going on inside him. He has no idea what's going on inside her. They go still.

"I need you to dig," Tara says, cold and quiet, and he's so in the grip of it he barely questions it, just starts digging in the dirt with his hands. They are both out of it. He takes Franklin's clothes and tosses them in the back of the truck, and Tara spits one last time on the leftovers of Franklin. "I hope you rot in hell, you psycho piece of shit." They are a couple of damn messes. But that was already true.

Calvin Norris is nearly dead in the van, he won't make it to the ER in Monroe, so Lafayette pulls over at his house and tells Jesus and Crystal to get him onto the porch. Nobody knows what he's doing because nobody knows what V is really about. (Lafayette thinks he knows, but he's really just a little bit further up the road. On this show, that makes all the difference.)

Sam runs home with Cal's blood all over him and a million voices running through his head: Felton and Calvin, even Maryann, calling him all kinds of names. He pours whiskey on his knuckles and down his throat and flashes back to 2003, when a beautiful girl helped him steal massive amounts of jewelry so they could start a bar together, which was how he was going to make his dreams come true. He could be a bad guy just a little bit longer, with bad-guy hair, and then settle into being a good person for the first time in his life. Like every other character on the show, there was a point that he just knew he could be a better person, tomorrow or the day after that.

Oil-coiffed Sam was a Mickens and he didn't even know what a Mickens was, but even more shocking than this is how unattractive they've managed to make Sam Trammell back in 2003. There should be like a special effects Emmy in there somewhere. The girl he loved betrayed him, her boyfriend showed up as he was kissing her and stuck a gun to Sam's head, and they made off with all the jewels, and just for fun the boyfriend told Sam he was a dumb fuck that would never really get a girl like that. So Sam had to stay a bad guy a little bit longer.

Bill admits that Sookie's blood is quite delicious, and also managed to get him to whatever crossover place he needed to get in order to see Claudine, where he convinced her that he truly wanted to protect Sookie. Sookie wonders if the delicious faerie blood is why he's in love with her, and we add that to the list of things that make their relationship fake. Which isn't to say that their love is fake, but does bring to mind the questions you're not allowed to ask yourself about why anybody loves you. As a philosopher once said, "If you analyze why certain people end up with certain other people, it will make you want to kill yourself."

For example, he does not look at her the way Eric and Russell do, and yes he did eat her into a coma that one time, but it's still not what they're truly about in the true-love world of their very true love. Not that he's given her an exhaustive list of the reasons they hooked up in the first place, but that's a scab everyone on the show seems interested in picking, and there's an amazingly cheesy scene coming up that pretty much covers it, so fine. Bill Compton, you old softy:

"Sookie, it is not your blood I love. I love you. Your mind, your heart, your soul. And I will forswear ever feeding on you again if that's what it takes to convince you of that. You have brought light back into my life. And hope, and gratitude. That is why I love you. Nothing else."

Over in Shreveport Eric Northman is finishing up his last will and testament with a vampire-friendly attorney: All residences and estate go to his daughter, Pamela Swynford DeBeaufort. Pam's not impressed by any of this, and wants him in fighting Viking mode, but Eric is actually scared. It is not a good color on him, but on the other hand his dialogue is sparkling: "Russell Edgington was maybe the oldest and strongest vampire on the planet, before he eviscerated a newsman live on TV. Now he's also the craziest. And his rage is directed at me." Of course he will fight, but there are for once no brilliant plans forthcoming, so he's covering his ass. And telling Pam to shut her ass up if she's not going to work on the big plan. I'm sure she knows how far he went this season, to save her; it irks her she can't do the same, now that he's giving up.

By Jacob Clifton

Eric calls Yvetta out from whatever place she hangs out when she's not writhing around, so she can witness the signing; he writes her name underneath using her hand, in a pretty brutal fashion. At some point Yvetta figures out that she's getting nothing out of this deal, if he does die, and starts throwing a mail-order tantrum. They yell in Russian for awhile, and Eric says that their deal was a job and awesome sex, both of which she's still enjoying, so stop being a quote "gold-digging whore." Even Pam is a bit offended by this. Maybe they go off and have some sex or something but this scene is more about Eric looking dazed and sort of horrified by everything. Did he really think that the Authority would help him take out the King after he was the one who drove him crazy?

Jesus thinks Lafayette is giving Cal V so that he will trip his way out of this life, because he doesn't know all the powers of the blood. But he's a nurse, a healer, which means he's going to be very fascinated by this process. One little drip down Cal's throat, and then they wait a few seconds, and before you know it Cal's back up hitting people and screaming epithets and punching his daughter and very angry. Turns out Hotshot is all about bloodlines and purity -- hence the breeding program -- and now, he thinks, he's lost his shot because his blood is tainted by theirs.

Did you know you're watching a soap opera? It's been a long time since Sookie went running around the graveyard in her nightie and a candlestick, but yes: Sometimes Sookie and Bill get a little gaywad about some things. This is one of those times. Eric shows up and he and Bill sort of sniff at each other and talk about how "Well, I know what Sookie is" and like "Well I knew first" and that kind of thing. Boy stuff.

Eric finally says outright what we always knew -- that Sophie-Anne sent her procurer to Bon Temps specifically to get ahold of Sookie. What's interesting is that Bill is always so resistant to this idea that it almost seems like he just... Ruled it out. Repressed it so hard it just went away. But what we didn't know is that, at least from what Eric's saying now, is that Sophie-Anne did this specifically because she thought Sookie's blood would let her knock about in the daylight. Which, given her well-lit seaside situation, we could have guessed. It's still very Mary Antoinette, for all Talbot's whines about Russell's collections: She wanted Sookie as a toy. Her whole life is at night now.

Bill admits that the Sookie Sunlight Effect works iffy at best and that even drinking her into a coma only got him to a state where he could run around in that tracksuit for a few minutes and then eventually went to ground. Eric and Bill fight about which one of them is Russell's "buttboy," and it turns out neither of them are. Especially now that Eric totally killed Talbot with porn. Bill, now that he has a teen daughter, sometimes he says stuff like, "So that's why he went medieval on TV?"

Bill is offended that Eric, by way of Russell, has set back the Cause (Remember when he was always talking about the Cause? And we didn't even know it was a big fake lie and only Bill even believed in it? Happier times.) and also that Eric is in Bon Temps pretending he cares about Sookie. Predictably, this sets off a domino effect of who loves Sookie more, and why don't you tell Sookie the fucking truth, and who is less likely to tell Sookie the fucking truth, because who loves her the most, and the whole time you're like, "Man, if Sookie were here she would love the shit out of this conversation," but guess what?

Bill and Eric stop making out for a sec so Bill can say the only real truth is the thing about how she's a faerie, but now that Eric's here she's all distracted and shouty. "Why are you here? To pretend like you care about my safety, so you can sell me out to Russell again? Or is it to the Queen this time?" Eric implies that Bill is not trustworthy, and Sookie as usual blows that one off in favor of yelling at him some more about how she knows what she is and she knows what Eric wants and he will never ever get it. Which means, of course, he's never been closer to getting what he wants. Eric mopes off into the darkness, Compton-style, with these as his parting words: "Do what you want. I won't be around much longer anyway. I wish you the best, Sookie Stackhouse." And a little bell goes off inside Sookie Stackhouse, although she doesn't yet know why. In related news, this is the best Eric has looked in weeks. Fangtasia! works wonders like that.

By Jacob Clifton

Beautiful, wonderful, sorely missed Steve Newlin is up on the TV at Merlotte's -- you can see the whole thing online, it was the Postmortem this week -- talking about how this terrorist attack was actually a good thing, because it proves he was right all along, although as a true Christian he can't actually say that out loud. Arlene drools on herself and thinks vague racist thoughts and yells at Jessica because of Russell and generally acts insufferable, so finally Jessica just pins her the hell up against a banquette. "Okay, we get it. You don't like vampires. Well, I don't like narrow minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs. But at least I've got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it." Tommy loves it, Jessica already feels like a stupid jerk, and Arlene runs off after bouncing into the air with a hilarious double-finger point: "I may be skinny, but I ain't evil. And once evil, always evil!"

"Tara Mae, now I know you've been through a lot..." Sookie starts, and Tara's like, "No lectures. Thing is, I don't care how much you love your boyfriend right now. He almost killed you like yesterday, which isn't even what it's really about. Because what I know of vampires is that occasionally they will go ahead and tie you up and duct-tape you so you can't scream, kidnap you, rape you, and try to turn you into their VAMPIRE BRIDE." Sookie's like, "Well, when you put it like that..." But Tara's not done: Also, Bill totally let all of that happen and didn't even really care. Which is a dark and twisty story that doesn't really have a whole lot to do with Tara besides basically proving her point, so Sookie's not going to do anything but throw her arms around Tara and cry with her some more, because she didn't know any of that, and her best friend is hurting.

Outside, the maxim that Bill and Sookie are fifty times awesomer apart than together is still working, now at a distance of mere yards. Bill tries to lead Jason in the basics of Werewolf Defense, at least once employing the unfortunate turn of phrase "right between the eyes," and they have a sweet little moment about how Bill is counting on Jason to take care of Sookie while he's asleep. It's not as condescending as it sounds, thanks to the acting; Jason's grateful because Jason will always be grateful for anybody treating him like a man, but especially when it's an older guy doing it, because God love him but Jason's stuff is very simple stuff. The one time Jason did anything right was when he and Andy and Sam pulled off saving Bon Temps from Maryann, and that was going pretty good until he shot somebody in the head, so this is a chance to go back to that good feeling. Without taking a written test.

Jesus is sitting on Lafayette's floor in the morning, having realized that V is more than just drugs: "It's magic!" Healing is deep in his veins; of course now he cares, watching somebody jump up into the air after nearly being dead. Lafayette admits he sometimes takes it, on "special occasions," and Jesus jumps into wanting to do it together. Lafayette is like, "We haven't even had breakfast together yet." And besides, V is weird. Different people and different environments and like random effects. Different parts of the shining world.

Jesus -- who does "dorky enthusiasm" about the best of any boy you've ever seen in life, of course -- says that, at the least, they trust each other, which means it'll be fine. Not even about sex. "It helps you connect even more to whatever magic you're already hooked up to." Which is true and Lala knows it, but never put it into those words. Jesus points out that he's clearly intuitive -- in the very specific sense required for work of this nature -- and Lala laughs. "So you're more like a shaman in a Sunday hat." As is Lafayette, Jesus reminds him, and they do the V, like jumping off of something tall, and it's fingerlicking good.

Sam comes into the bar and Arlene acts all nervous like he's going to beat some meth dealers to death first thing, and hop-scoots over to save his hangover from the TV. Specifically, a news report about Russell's compound being completely empty, its many gay servants having vanished into thin air leaving only black wifebeaters and tight jeans in their wake. Everybody is scared of him, including Terry, or maybe Terry's just being weird as usual, but not including Tommy, who loved watching his big brother beat up a whatever-they-are, and even makes a "hair of the dog" joke that only the two of them can understand. Sam finally tells everybody to stop walking on eggshells, and that he's already talked to Lafayette and Calvin is fine: "So pretend you're all normal?"

Ha! Fat chance. Holly Cleary presents him with a little vial of black cohosh, which he mistakes for pot, and she explains sunnily. "Brings down your testosterone levels. For your rage? You obviously have a problem." He asks if she's got anything for "nosiness and bad boundaries," and she says it's just her hobby, as a Wiccan, to make remedies and tinctures and things for people. (Arlene staaaaares.) Sam tells her the only rules for Merlotte's are A) No dancing and B) No religion. (I'm assuming before Jane Bodehouse got her groove back there was just one rule.)

(And yes, in this very Carmen Sandiego culturally-aware Rachel Getting Married episode, that sticks out as a "Wicca is a real religion" PSA, which it is on one level. But there are about three reasons we can't see yet why this needs to be in place, so consider that line to be Sam telling you, the viewer, that we should just stop worrying and consider Wicca a real religion from here on out. Not that it isn't, just that on your supernatural TV programs sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't, but in this case it's just a religion like any other. And by my count, the only sane one they've shown to date.)

Tommy is troubled by Sam's admission that he didn't kill Calvin Norris -- after all, even Arlene was being more respectful of him -- and Sam tries to explain the difference between respect and people thinking you're a psychopath. Surprise, Tommy does not see the distinction: "All I know is, I was proud of my big brother last night." Sam points out that Tommy is an idiot, and leaves.

Arlene drags the trash out back, and Terry chastens her, stubbing out his cigarette: "Secondhand smoke, bad. You carrying a heavy load, bad-bad." Arlene starts crying and can't talk, and sweet Terry goes, "Are you spotting grayish tissue, having side cramps, or experiencing a dull, consistent ache in your lower back?" She still can't say anything. Please don't let me down, Fowler. You're getting more interesting every episode. He grabs her and says he's going to be a wonderful daddy and she shouldn't worry about that anymore, and that's just too sweet to bear, so she totally comes clean: The baby isn't his, it's Rene's, and it's evil, and she wants to get rid of it.

By Jacob Clifton

Jesus and Lafayette are peaking. Things are bright at the edges, and all the goddesses on the altar dancing, doors in strange places, soft at the edges. Jesus laughs. They dance, children laugh. Lala touches his hair and the room begins to spin. A wind comes through the door. Past Jesus and into the light, out of the house into a strange room he never knew was there. Reliquary, Oaxaca skulls, Chimayo's miraculous sand. A woman with a metate and flowers in her hair, a great green-stoned ring. Jesus knows her, he smiles, loving: He recognizes her. Sometimes Jesus tells the story, sometimes Lafayette. Sometimes the old woman.

Good magic, his abuela: Breaking hexes, healing infertility. The shining world spins around them, and they laugh. They watch her do a spell and she sees the boys, from the corner of her eye, spirits on the edge of things, in another time, and she smiles. Jesus speaks with Lafayette's tongue, and they laugh. It spins. He says goodbye. A less happy, a harsher place. Up Lafayette's line, this time. His Great-Great-Great-Grandma Mae, and her daughter Winnie. Crushing conjure powder, drawing lines around the bed, so they'd never have to share it with their masters. Lala remembers Great-Great Winnie, who learned it from her mother. They learn it together. The world spins somewhere darker still; their arms around each other.

Upside down crucifixes and a goat's head on the wall; the whole world shaking like a snake's rattle. Jesus's abuelo, not good magic. Plans for Jesus, dolls and sacrifice, power so strong his mother took him across the world. His grandfather sees them, in the corner of his eye; he roars and they wake up screaming. Lala's shaken, but Jesus is pleased. It's been hours. They were everywhere. It's not time travel; initiation never stops. That's what V is all about.

Eric perched above Sookie on Jason's couch, staring down at her. She complains: Won't his blood ever wear off? Eric laughs and says it's not just the blood; some part of her feelings are real. A not entirely convincing "ew." He kisses her, in the dream, and says her distrust of Bill is stronger than the blood: It's her survival instinct. He kisses her, then bites, and she jerks awake, just as Jason's headed into the bedroom with breakfast for Tara.

"Still sleeping? Or you hiding out from Sook?" Not just Sookie, Tara smiles: The whole world. They're the only ones that know what happened. They're the only ones that saw him die. She's grateful for breakfast; she's grateful for everything. He's nervous and tries to sneak away, and she thinks she knows why: Weird to kill a man. But she wants him to know it was okay. He tries to explain what it's really like, this time: "Sometimes when you ... try and save people, you end up not. It's almost like your right hand, it's not talking to your other hand, and you don't know which one to listen to because... Because they both wanna do the right thing." Succinct. He's coming all over insightful today. Tara notices and he protests: "You know I ain't that deep!"

Tara knows better, holding out her hand: "For some reason, you like pretending you're too dumb to know better. Do better." But she knows he's good, and can be counted on, and there's not really anybody else, besides Lafayette, that will come through for her. Even Sam is a beast, it turns out. She starts to lose it again and he holds onto her, tight. Eventually she tries to kiss him, but he thinks of Crystal, and pulls back. This is the thing he knows how to give people, the girls that he loves, and he does love Tara, who has now managed to horrify herself, and she's running out the door, so it's like a bullet-pointed list in his head: If he can't give her that, and he can't keep quiet, then he has to give her the truth. So he does, and so she leaves, without punishing him at all, because now there's really nothing left. Except the truth. Jason follows, crying, into the living room; it takes a second for him to notice Sookie's gone. The other thing he was supposed to do, he fucked that up too.

Sundown, and there's a cross burning on Jessica's yard, and a brick through the window; Bill appears instantly at her side and she nods, scared, that she's okay. She wants to track them, but he reminds her now isn't the time. And something else: "Even if it is against our nature." He's holding her hand when he says it, but it's almost sweeter than that to hear.

Back in aught-three, Sam drunkenly remembers, a cute little dog showed up at the campsite where the trashy randoms were counting all his stolen money and jewelry. And then before they knew what was happening, naked Sam Merlotte was holding the gun and taking the boyfriend's pants. Sam's whole life is putting on pants. There was much yelling and trashy drama -- motivated by the guy pushing Sam's buttons about barking in his sleep and being a "freak," which is what he thought he was back then -- and the girlfriend pulled a gun, and Sam accidentally shot her, and he felt super bad about that, because he loved her. But then she died, so he shot the boyfriend a few more times, and stole back the stolen stuff from the people who stole it from him, the original stealer.

Then he drove to Bon Temps, washed the gunk out of his hair, bought a bar, and became wonderful. And the only thing that was missing from his life was a girlfriend, because the first girl he slept with was a demigoddess who did weird stuff in bed, and then the last girl he slept with was a white trash femme fatale, and in the meantime his only prospect was the town retard, who eventually started dating vampires anyway, and possibly his employees, which hardly counts. And so by the time broken Tara Mae Thornton -- with whom he had more in common than she'd ever realize -- proposed a no strings attached, friends with benefits situation, he was ready for that exact thing. But now he's just drunk and staring at things in the woods and feeling crazy.

By Jacob Clifton

Somewhere in that pissy line -- which, every time you think Pam is as awesome as she's going to get? Boom she puts on an outfit three times as crazy and just starts throwing punches -- you can see a lightbulb go off over Eric's head. Which is generally a good reason to get fairly worried, because if a quiet night at home is your aim, you're better off with a suicidally depressed Eric Northman, whereas if you like pissing in a bucket, by all means cheer his ass up.

Among the many hookers working the street tonight, there is one that looks like Talbot but a million times hotter, named Tony. The strange aristocratic gentleman carrying the large candy-jar full of Talbot goo looks him over a bit before he asks if the gentleman is looking for something special. "Found it," says Russell, which is sassy. Obviously the gent is into weird shit, so they talk about money, and the King touches his hair and gives him some cash and they walk off together for some good old-fashioned whoring. Or so Tony thinks.

Arlene's not convinced, as she should be, that Terry's love can save their demon baby, so she approaches Holly to find out more about the Wiccan way of not being pregnant anymore. And out in the restaurant, Jessica's gnawing at her fingernails due to the brickbats and burning crosses of mankind's lesser angels. She's not really into talking to Tommy, who feels rejected of course, and the Dixie Chicks are playing, and just then Hoyt comes in looking wonderful.

"You're a vampire who chews on her fingernails?" She's like, "They grow back," sort of defensively, and he doesn't even need to take a breath. "I love you. I want to be with you, for everything that you are." She has to get away from him; she backs away. "You're only saying that because all you see now is the quirky vampire girl who bites her nails." Two facts: 1) Hoyt has dumped Summer, although I doubt she's going down without a fight. And 2) Hoyt speaks exactly the kind of Jesus Freak talk guaranteed to make a young Hamby's knees go to jelly.

"I drove up to Caddo Lake, and I spent all day asking God to give me a reason why we can't be together. And a hush came over the water, and all the bugs stopped buzzing and it came to me: There is no reason."

God is such a hero in this show! He loves faggots, and Jessica, and Hoyt! All the best things!

Jessica understands that "all that you are" is a by its very nature a hyperbolic statement, because you never really know everything about a person, but in this case he doesn't know what he's talking about because in her head she does all kinds of unimaginable "shit" all the time and actually enjoys it, lays down with it, wraps her arms around it in the middle of the night, and that as much as she doesn't want Hoyt to know that part of her, she knows better than he does that he doesn't either. Tommy almost horks up his kibble at this point.

Hoyt tells Jessica to look him in the eye and tell him she doesn't love him; she can't quite do that, but she doesn't answer either. It's not her she's worried about; it's inflicting herself on him. It's the same standoff as the night they met: Can you possibly be as good as I think you are? Is it possible we're that lucky? Does anybody deserve that much love? He gives in, he takes off.

Tommy can't help himself; he follows Hoyt outside to hoot and gloat at him, and one giant Hoyt arm comes flying out and drops little Tommy. He doesn't break his stride or even look, and it is totally bad-ass. Of course, he doesn't know that Tommy can also turn into a pitbull and rip his arm into hamburger, so he's somewhat surprised when that happens.

Inside, Jessica realizes something suddenly, which is that in a world where crosses are burning and bricks are flying, where everything is topsy-turvy and nobody deserves anything, you have to go with what you want. Pure sweet Hoyt is just an illusion she created in her head; purity itself is an illusion we use to hurt ourselves, because we imagine going backwards will make us clean. And just like Sookie told Jason, and Jason told himself, and Arlene thought when she got strong enough to tell Terry the truth, and everybody realizes when they grow up: You can't make people's decisions for them. If she loves Hoyt as much as she does, she has to respect his wishes. Which means giving in to her own. It makes all the sense in the world.

Jessica runs out of there, imagining it: Chasing his car, if she has to; throwing her arms around him; telling him a hundred times that she loves him, for all that he is. A smile plays across her face. Now of course, he's being mauled by a random pitbull when she gets out there, so: New plan. She throws little Tommy into the woods and gets a look at the horror of Hoyt's arm, which is just spouting blood, and she offers him her wrist. Pure sweet Hoyt was just an illusion anyway, that was what she figured out: It doesn't matter now, and he's whiting out underneath her. He jerks away, in shock, still terrified, and she growls. "Hoyt: I love you too. Now drink my blood." He does, and she throws her arms around him, and Tommy sits in the woods, watching it all. Now they are connected.

Jason's been running around all night looking for his sister, since he screwed up the one thing he thought he was made for, again. Bill comes zooming in, hysterical and useless and unnecessarily aggressive, and starts yelling at Jason for letting her go. Jason tries to point out that nobody, not her boyfriend and certainly not her brother, has ever once stopped her from stomping all over the place getting into trouble, so why would today be any different? I'm not sure but Bill seems to think whining at Jason will help. Jason grabs Bill by the lapels, shocking him, and then finally just rescinds Bill's invitation to his house, walking him backwards and out the door, because today is not the day for Bill Compton's bullshit. Feels so good!

By Jacob Clifton

God is such a hero in this show! He loves faggots, and Jessica, and Hoyt! All the best things!

By Jacob Clifton

Oh, and by the way there is a giant black panther in Jason's bedroom. Which turns into naked Crystal. ("So on this show," my friend Lily asked, "The white trash are the Black Panthers?")

Postcoital and wrapped up in poor Tony's arms, calling him "Talbot" and the whole nine yards, Russell finds there are still ways to crazy. He has not exhausted the types of crazy possible. "You're the strongest man I've ever known. You made us a home. You made us family." Tony's like, "Um, yeah, it was a nice house." (No, Tony, it was a tacky house.) "It was a home," Russell cries. "A haven. A refuge from all that madness." Tony gets the same feeling you get at this point, which is that Russell is about to do something dreadful, and he grabs his pants. "I told you, extra 500 to bite me." There are dry blood tears on Russell's face.

"Oh, Brother, it's all my fault. I will never forgive myself that in end, you were so alone, with no one holding your hand." He kisses Tony's hand, and falls back. "It is one thing to face eternity without you, but to have not been with you at the true death?" And then, he is. Tony's staked. He's human so he doesn't explode; he gets to hear the whole speech. "Talbot, you saved me from the world. From myself. I was a fool to trust him. And I am more sorry than I can ever say."

Russell kisses Tony's hand again, as he dies, and then it's Talbot. Who is actually quite beautiful in his repose, now that Tony is dead. Or maybe it's just that he's shut the fuck up. "I'm so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye," Russell says, lying on his chest, very much alone. He was there when Talbot was human, and when he turned him so many years ago, but he wasn't there when Talbot was gone. This is as close as he can get, which isn't very close at all. The whole scene is just gross and depraved and terribly sad: The once-proud King in some filthy den, tangled in smelly lousy sheets pulled half off the mattress, holding a dead whore so tightly, bloody tears drying on his cheeks, staring out at nothing at all.

By Jacob Clifton

Bill stalks Sookie's porch, scared and scenting, searching for her; he doesn't feel her out there until the end of this paragraph, and then he runs. Sookie's in Eric's office, and I guess she's been there for awhile when he returns. "I needed to think," he says, and there's a grit in his voice and a spring in his step that means something awful is about to happen, probably to Sookie, probably in everybody's best interest whatever it is. "I'm not some kind of prisoner you can just lock up any time you feel like taking off!" she says, but then of course a moment later, she is. Locked up in the basement with a collar around her neck, in the dark, screaming as usual about what a fucker Eric is.

week: Tara comes after Andy about the Eggs murder, Eric comes after Russell about the Viking murder, Russell comes after Sookie some more, Jessica and Hoyt get complicated, Boyfriend doesn't look a thing like Jesus, that fantastic quarterback kid comes back, Sookie most likely screams her ass off and probably goes into another coma, and then there's only one episode left.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see vloggers Val and Beth discuss vampire pregnancy in TV is the Answer!

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