Without Stadium Love

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 08-08-2010 · S03E08

After shooing all the well-wishers and Bill-haters out of her hospital room, Sookie and Bill have a heart-to-heart about how he tried to kill her and probably they should break up, so she can have a normal life and stop constantly being almost killed. It's pretty moving, actually. After this point, everything becomes a blur: The bad guys are coming to Sookie's house, and she doesn't want any help with that, because she is Sookie, and everybody on the show drops by to have that conversation with her before the bad guys actually show up.

Russell's party brings the Queen back to Jackson from New Orleans -- not sure if she's still in her birdcage -- and Talbot throws another wobbler about how Russell's always causing problems. Such as killing the Magister and bringing the Authority down on all their heads. Against Eric's not-very-believably uninterested protest, Russell sends a very angry Debbie to beat up (but not kill) Sookie, and then Eric pledges his allegiance with a whole kneeling/ring-kissing bunch of bullshit. Russell leaves Eric to babysit/fuck Talbot while he's in Bon Temps with the wolves. Right when you think you're going to have to watch them do it, Eric stakes Talbot!

Arlene has a terrible waking dream in which the dead serial killer Rene lays claim on her unborn son, then hires a witchy new waitress at Merlotte's named Holly. Adrift, Bill reconciles beautifully with daughter Jessica, and they train for the coming Russell attack while bonding over their parallel breakups with Sookie and Hoyt. Alcide heads home to clean up the various crazy messes Debbie is making, after promising to return and a pretty sweet moment in which Sookie and Alcide fully acknowledge that they should have fallen in love with each other instead of the various people that keep trying to murder them.

Jason decides that it's in Sookie's best interest for him to attack Bill in some way; Sookie calls him a racist. Still looking for some heroism to do, Jason's surprised by Crystal showing up wet at his house trying to throw the Hotshot boys off her scent. Apparently she told Fenton -- her fiancé from when she was four years of age -- that she wasn't into marrying him, and he beat the hell out of her. Her dad Calvin and Fenton come looking for her, and Tommy and Sam both smell something shifty or Were about them. Later, Jason goes to Hotshot to threaten the terrifying inbred meth dealers, and this sad crummy version of Calvin Norris takes notice of him for the first time. Also one of the Hotshot people is eating the guts of a deer in their kitchen, and hisses at Jason, and it's totally bizarre.

Tara spends some healing time with Lafayette, Sam and Sookie, the latter of which goes sour when she starts yelling at Sookie about Bill in a way where it's clear she's actually still pissed at herself for the Franklin stuff (which stuff now includes daydreams where she masturbates and he bites her), but completely over her suicidal ideation now that she's been tied up and threatened with being a VAMPIRE BRIDE. She's still kind of PTSD, but God knows how you're actually supposed to explain Franklin Mott.

Mama Mickens does the shit she does, once again, and once again nobody can explain why she's even with Joe Lee, but mostly it appears to be about sealing the deal w/r/t Tommy being Sam's ward. Sam tries to inspire him to become an awesome good man like Sam is, but Tommy thinks that's more than a little retarded. So he starts shit with Hoyt instead, which is like watching a hobbit and a giraffe in a slapfight. Speaking of scary mommies, Ruby Jean has escaped the mental hospital and come to warn Lafayette about the "vampires, witches, dogs and cats" that are coming for him. Lafayette calls Jesus to come get her, and they spend a strange evening together. In the morning, much is made of Lafayette's "power," and the dudes finally make out for real.

Eric sends the still-human Hadley to her cousin Sookie with a message: "Russell is coming for you. Don't trust Bill." Not sure what the second part is about, but the first part comes true. Russell, gorgeous Debbie and a couple of Weres show up at Sookie's house, but are met by Bill and Jessica, who take care of everybody but Debbie. She and Sookie have a total chick fight upstairs -- including a fairly insightful but totally mean point scored by Debbie about the men Sookie dates -- and Sookie ends up slashing her awesome face with some scissors and scaring her off with a shotgun. Meanwhile, Russell makes Bill choose between Sookie and Jessica, and he shockingly chooses his daughter: Russell sends her running, chased by a wolf, and beats up on Bill for awhile before psychically feeling Talbot get killed. He disappears back to Jackson, and everything is quiet.

...Well, for Bon Temps at least. What's really going on at the end of the night is Jessica killing the shit out of the Swayze werewolf and loving every minute of it, while Bill and Sookie run right back into each other's arms, and we end on an indelible tableau that's way more explosive and disturbing and sad and icky than anything with Lorena: Bill and Sookie, hate-fucking in the wreckage, with their hands around each other's necks. Which... Yeah, that's about the score right now. But kudos to the show for going there.

Well, it's Sunday so Sookie's doing her favorite thing, screamin', and Bill's doing his favorite thing, bein' appalled. In this case, he's appalled about Sookie screaming. She's screaming because he sort of killed her, and he knows that, but you know, he's a sensitive fellow. Everybody jumps and runs around and yells -- Tara because she hates vampires, Alcide because he has a chip about them too, and Jason because he killed somebody a while back -- and Sookie finally tells everybody to leave so she can discuss the whole getting murdered thing with her boyfriend. Alcide in particular gives Bill a bit of attitude before leaving, and then they discuss the situation like -- get this -- grownups.

Bill notes that her screaming probably means she's afraid of him, and can't really argue that she has the right to be. He swears he didn't mean it, which she knows, and that he was having a pretty bad day before that, which she also knows. "I don't know how to start forgiving you," she says, which pretty much covers it. Of course, Mr. Bill Compton and forgiveness go together like Hotshotters and heterozygous gene-pairings, so he broods powerfully about how he doesn't want to be forgiven, just punished and punished and punished.

Sookie's more about how they've only been dating for six weeks and in that time she has been fed vampire blood, had her own blood sucked a few times, attacked by vampires and werewolves in several instances, had to deal with Talbot, there was a demigoddess done fucked up her house, Debbie keeps calling her a bitch, Gran died real nasty in her kitchen, she cut off a dude's head with a shovel, rough sex in a graveyard, Eric is very confusing, there is some lesbian weirdness on occasion, watched a pocket gay self-immolate, brother started doing drugs and joined a couple of cults, and instead of getting like a second to catch her breath it was just more bullshit all the time. Maybe, Sookie suggests, just maybe this is not the life for her.

Sure, having a boyfriend whose thoughts you can't read worked out in the short term, but also and on the other hand, not knowing the person you're dating means sometimes getting stalked and/or murdered by that same fella. Bill responds that he wants her to have the finest things in life, like children and a tan, and they break up like grownups; once his arm is disconnected from her transfusion line he leaves, CGI blood tears dripping down his face. Maybe this way, we get out alive.

Meanwhile Sookie, always a champion of the ugly cry, forges ahead into new ugly-crying territory. There's no loneliness quite like hospital-gown loneliness.

Apparently Queen Sophie-Anne has as many rare birds as she does trunks and boxes full of junk. She also has no time for her tiny little room in Russell's house (I wonder if she's still in that birdcage? Guess not, now that she's part of the Conspiracy) and no Hadley at all. I guess she's somewhere in the luggage. Talbot throws a hissyfit about having his husband's wife in the compound, and Russell tells him to chill because he just got Talbot the entire state of Louisiana in the process. Talbot doesn't care about Louisiana, because it can't be redecorated in Late-Century Gay or muddled with mint for a refreshing afternoon beverage, but he does care about the facts that Tara got Franklin's brain all over the sheets, he's now had to supervise burying werewolves under the gazebo, and "that Sookie bitch staked Lorena." The last of which is not, in itself, a problem, but all this has made a mess of his nerves. He and Sookie are both having quite a night, I guess; why don't we just blame Bill for this too.

While Eric watches from behind an arch, very intense, Russell tries unconvincingly to kissyface Talbot into shutting up and then pulls the sheepish-husband Homer Simpson card about how he acted "somewhat impulsively" while he was in Shreveport. Talbot's like, "Here we go. What." Well, he killed the Magister. Talbot throws another wobbler about that, and we recap about the Authority and how everybody's in big trouble now and how Russell doesn't care for some reason. "You're acting like a century-old child. Relax!"

After all, Russell's just sent the AVL $500K to support the stupid VRA, so that should chill them out -- so as we suspected, then, the American Vampire League and thus Nan Flanagan are highly connected to this Authority; less unsurprising is the implication that the Vampire Rights Amendment is somehow not entirely on the up-and-up if that's the case -- and Talbot whines. "You can't buy your way out of everything!" Of course he can, he explains: "This is America." Eric appears to tell His Majesty there's a werebitch in the study, and Russell's like aw man when Talbot hisses, "Go, while I babysit your wife."

Russell loves Debbie as much as we do! That's nice. I like Russell pretty much. Debbie is of course still covered in blood and tackiness and yelling, "They killed my Cooter!" And he didn't even die a hero, as Russell suggests, because he was only in there to get more drugs and have more gross sex with her. And then Alcide shot him. So Debbie's plan is to find their heads and rip them off their bodies. Russell giggles about this -- not that he'll go for it -- but Eric sort of overplays his hand about how, even if we all do "enjoy a good head-ripping" from time to time, Sookie Stackhouse-Sookie Stackhouse-Sookie Stackhouse is very important and special. Debbie says she's especially a cunt for fucking Alcide and making him shoot her fiancé, and Russell says that yes, but Sookie is a "special cunt." So he says Debbie can go "play with her," but no head-ripping.

By Jacob Clifton

Bill keeps telling Jessica over and over to leave the house but he won't say why, and finally she's like, fuck it. "No, you listen to me. I drained someone... I was hungry and I was sad and it was an accident, but I didn't know how to control myself. Because you never taught me. I need you. You are the only maker I've got." Bill cries and admits that he is totally useless both in this pursuit but also generally, and that he's trying to save her life, but it's like he is trying to talk without using the letter "e" and so of course none of it makes any sense.

What does make sense is Jessica standing her ground, dropping and weeping on that couch in the parlor, and him finally running to her side because he loves her. She curls into his side, and he wraps his arms around her, and she begs him not to leave her alone again. It is very sweet indeed, and something I didn't know we were waiting for so hard until it happened: Bill needs Jessica exactly as much as she needs him. I hope their story starts now.

Alcide has compromised with the Nation of Shirts, to the extent of wearing a wifebeater. Not so bad as compromises go. He doesn't want to leave Sookie alone in Bon Temps because of the army of junkie Nazi werewolves coming for her, and -- even though we know privately that this doesn't particularly bother her, because she is bonkers -- she offers to let him stay in her guest room upstairs. Given that he's probably not going to be getting the Key to the City back in Jackson right now, and all. He calls her "tougher than a one-eared alley cat" and it sounds exactly as dorky as you think, and gives her some unwanted advice about Bill ("Someday it won't hurt so bad") that she immediately turns around on him: "Is that what you keep telling yourself about Debbie?"

(Sookie! How come it's always about you, until it's actually about you, and then it's not? Stop being so defensive. Yes, you have this thing in common. But he's being nice, so stop being a dick. Just kidding, she only did that so he would back off, because he was saying that while stroking her hair, which is a bit of code for how once this whole mess settles down, maybe they can do it. Anyway, it does the trick and he lays off.)

Before Alcide can look even more wounded, if that's even possible, Andy and Jason come running in with some half-assed legal ideas about pressing charges on Bill for murdering her that time, and Sookie doesn't even have the energy to tell them to shut up. As far as she's concerned, breaking up with Bill was punishment enough. ("I was the retard that locked myself in that van with him" is not something she's going to say, but it's sort of there on the table to think about.) Anyway, since Sookie doesn't know about how Jason killed Eggs the other day, she doesn't understand the intensity of Jason's need to be a hero, so she just thinks he's being dumb, and when he threatens to kill Bill she tells him he's no killer.

By Jacob Clifton

Arlene wakes up screaming with Rene's hand around her neck, and Terry tries to calm her ass down. (Rule #1 for sleeping with Terry Bellefleur: No sudden moves and no random screaming.)

Jessica is just over the moon with Bill being home, which surprises them both. She's a good girl; immediately tries to come clean about that trucker she accidentally killed, but he's all business due to the fact that the King of Mississippi has an army of Nazi werewolves coming to kill everybody. (This urgent truth is a theme in the show, but it seems like Bill's the only one who really finds it notable.) Of course, in true Bill style he leaves out the actual facts and just tells her to pack her shit and get out of the house and there is no time, yadda yadda, which is the exact same conversation he kept having Sookie over the first half of the season that made everything take so long: "As your maker, I release you." Of course, Jessica has no idea what that means because she has no idea about anything because Bill forgot to teach her anything useful except his favorite hobby, being down in the dumps.

By Jacob Clifton

In Jason's dumb head is even more dumb stuff -- Shut up brain stop thinking she's gonna find out... -- and Sookie asks him about why he's being all secretive. Also, she implies, he is being a trashy racist and that Gran would not approve. Yes, exactly: Find more ways to question his masculinity, that's exactly how you make boys stop acting stupid. So now Jason's got a three-pronged plan for becoming a man. Number one, atone for Eggs: The Cop Thing. Number two, stop being a boy-man whore and settle down like you're supposed to: The Crystal Thing. Number three, now, protect his sister since he never seems able to pull that off: This Bill Thing. That's precisely three more thoughts than he's ever had rolling around in there. I am sure it will be fine.

By Jacob Clifton

Lafayette massages Tara's feet and asks her if she's ready to talk about her experiences thus far in the season. I say quid pro quo, Clarice. Maybe you could offer her a little tale about the time a vampire tied you up and tortured you and starved you and scared you to death and eventually fed you his blood, and how now you can feel him inside you all the time.

Well, since Lafayette doesn't know that happened to Tara and she doesn't know that happened to him, there's not really a way to get there. Important thing is, in case you weren't bludgeoned over the head with this the past two weeks just like old Mr. Mott: Tara no longer has a death wish. She has a kicking ass wish, and a hating vampires wish, and acting like a bitch like usual wish, but no suicides. They hang out on her bed and go back to being generally phenomenal people with more in common than they know.

Sam smells the stink of a sad-eyed Mickens dog outside, and then before you know it he's got a naked mommy on his porch. She packs up her junk and tells her sons she totally supports them ditching her and her horrible husband with that usual clear-eyed recognition of how sucky she is. Tommy points out that her husband is horrible by any measure and that there's nothing really keeping her with him; as usual, she worms her way out of this question. (Is it possible, someone at TV Night was asking, that Joe Lee has Cesar Milan'd her and she actually doesn't have a choice? That would be intriguing. The Trash Whisperer.)

Anyway, Momma Mickens knows why they hate her and she hates herself and blah blah, but that man's your daddy and also she loves them and the usual shit. It all just sounds like nothin', and not because the writing or acting are bad: It does what it's supposed to do, which is make you completely tired of her old bullshit. She kisses Tommy goodbye and it's creepy, and she tells them to take care of each other and takes off, pathetically lugging this huge suitcase out the door and eventually asking Sam for money. Yeah. Does she approve of the amount? She does not. Does Sammy give a shit? He does not. (Secretly he does; as my friend Monique pointed out, loyalty is a dog's best trait and he's been playing that game as long as he's been on this show. Which means it's going to be the thing that brings him down.) Tommy weeps, and Sam takes care of him, and it's just the brotherly Hobbit-on-Hobbit action you've been waiting for.

Not even sure if they want to, or if they should. No matter how much you love someone, even yourself, I don't think we're built to look that animal in the eye, that rattlesnake. The whole point of culture and civilization is that we don't have to. The whole point of dating a vampire is that, suddenly, you do.

But it's a two-way street, and Sookie's twice as far as anybody -- besides, as usual, her brother -- in figuring out this essential and very difficult, gross secret. Tara too, of course, but for Sookie the time has come; it is now required.

Because without understanding her own darkness, she's never going to be able to truly forgive anybody else's. Or, to put it another way, the show can only buy back last week's violation if it puts Sookie in the driver's seat. Specifically her body. And not just cowgirl style this time: She has to write that pain on Bill's body, the same way he did on hers, for them to ever be right again. And even if they are never right again, for her to be right again -- With her history? Are you kidding me? -- she needs to tell his body it's okay, and she needs to believe it.

It's the difference between putting on an animal mask, and being the animal itself. It's performative, human-minded, warm-blooded, not the near-unforgivable thing he did to her in that van. Do you see where I'm going with this? If what he did had been sexual, by the rules of this show, it would be over over. But because of the floating metaphor, it's just barely not sexual, which means once again Sookie's better off working through this on her terms instead of just staying in the hospital and saying goodbye forever. And by that same metaphor, she can accomplish it by doing whatever she was going to end up doing anyway.)

There's a fruitless argument about whether or not Sookie knows "the real Bill," which the second Tara says that Sookie realizes that this conversation is not at all worth having -- and that in fact Tara is only being an asshole because she doesn't want to talk about anything real -- so she goes all rational and logical and wonderful again: "Tara, I don't wanna fight with you. You've been through a lot. I can see you're in pain. Let's talk about it." Tara takes off for work and away from the telling of it once again, cutting the visit short, because not even Sookie is ready for her story of I Was A VAMPIRE BRIDE and all the things it made her do.

There may be a triple dramatic irony here, actually, in that Tara's not talking to Lafayette because she doesn't know he had the same experience, but that she might have gone to Sookie's house to open up -- demonstrating that she's learned at least a little from the last two seasons -- if it weren't for that nasty nightmare she just had (which, those sex dreams will stir some shit up and no lie). But now instead she's there and doesn't wanna be, and Sookie just wants to work on her tan and everybody to leave her alone with her ice cream and breakup, and then who shows up but Alcide, headed out to say hi. I think Tara is surprised to see him, or scandalized, but they've been having this whole conversation in front of his tiny little truck. "Good. Maybe you can flirt some sense into that girl, because logic sure as hell ain't working."

Tara, you're so awesome. She was like, "Bad things happen! But you broke up with Bill! So you are a dumb bitch! Be my friend! I'm so disappointed in your character! Accept my logic!" Alcide's like, "If my flirting can help at all, I suppose it's a man's job to go ahead and flirt. Point me to her." But honestly, Alcide flirting probably has a host of beneficial properties. "Ever since Alcide Herveaux flirted with me I've noticed I don't get colds anymore. Now I'm going to college online and working on getting my degree!"

"Ever since Alcide ran around our town with no shirt on, the crops are doing awesome and traffic congestion during rush hour has gone down 44%."

Jason opens up his box of Fellowship of the Sun stuff and grabs some silver bullets I guess, or maybe just regular ones from being in a paramilitary boot camp, but then Crystal shows up beating down the door and asking for the keys to his truck. She's gotta get out of town fast and no mistake. She's all wet because she swam there so "they" wouldn't "track" her scent, but that one goes right over Jason's head too. Other information about the situation is not forthcoming, and she's somewhat apologetic about causing him trouble, but she needs the truck and all. Jason notes that she has been beaten to hell, which I admit I didn't notice right away because her face is so mindblowing anyway. She's like, if he's going to fucking ask her all these questions she'll come in, but he needs to supply her with a towel and some whiskey.

Tara's at work, so busy thinking about her dumb bitch friend that she forgets she's having a flashback until it's too late. Remember when Franklin came to the bar and asked her for a TruBlood? Before you know it, she's dropped it and there's fake blood everywhere.

Arlene is interviewing and close to hiring a new waitress, Holly Cleary, and tells her not to mind Tara. "She's all bark and... Well, she bites too. But at least she ain't a vampire like our hostess." Holly looks like Grace Zabriskie's hotter, younger sister. Let's put it that way. She's got pigtails and could be a very experienced thirty or a very sprightly fifty. She's awesome to look at, but not all that comforting. (Of course, the actress playing her is -- call it the Arlene Effect, or the Bon Temps Effect -- very pretty indeed. I've always thought she was pretty; she's half-sisters with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and you've seen her around, just not looking like this.)

By Jacob Clifton

(But she already explained the thing she needed to learn today, tonight: She wants his danger and she is learning her own darkness, just like he doesn't want forgiveness but can't seem to get away from her. They're fucking in the wreckage; they have their hands around each other's necks and they can't let go. No one's getting out.

By Jacob Clifton

"Ever since Alcide ran around our town with no shirt on, the crops are doing awesome and traffic congestion during rush hour has gone down 44%."

Over in the hallways of Russell's always-hoppin' mansion, Eric grabs Hadley and tells her to give her a message: "Tell her exactly what I say, and nothing more." Probably that will be awkward, because the last time Hadley saw her family they were paying for rehab and she'd run out on them. Well, at least she'll get to hear their awful uncle got murdered, that'll be good. It would be good, to give her that news.

Just when you thought it was safe to assume Alcide was your new roomie, his awesome sister Janice calls to let him know that Debbie and her pack have burnt down the salon. Sookie, of course, makes it all about her, but he just blows her off: "Debbie was crazy long before you came around." Alcide asks her to come with him to take care of it, since there is an army of werewolves and vampires coming to kill her, but she tells him not to worry about it. Of course, this is obviously the plan -- to get Alcide away from Sookie so she has no protection -- but not even if you added Jason to the braintrust that is Sookie and Alcide could you possibly get them to figure that one out.

Sookie, how come you are going to stay in that house where people are constantly chasing you around it with knives and actual wolves? "I am not gonna spend my life running. That's not a life." Alcide suggests that she call Jason and Andy, and she says that would only put their asses in danger too. Valid. Although spectacular, I think, to watch. Every living thing is eventually forced into the ring; I'm really interested to see how and where Andy gets involved this year; almost as interested in seeing Lala's potential flower.

Alcide doesn't want to leave Sookie alone in her ratty old Maryann-destroyed house, but of course she already has that covered: Bill's just across the cemetery. Just because they're not dating doesn't mean -- she hopes -- that he won't zoom over there and save her from the vampires and werewolves that are totally coming to get her. "You can read minds and shoot light out of your fingers. Who am I to tell you what's best for you?" Um, a person who is not crazy? A person with a logical brain who understands that "I'm going to stand here until all my friends are dead" is not really a plan either? time just call Sam and tattle, he'll figure out a way. They discuss how they should have just fallen in love with each other, and almost kiss, and it's super hot, and she makes him promise to come back for a visit sometime. Fingers crossed -- no one's getting out -- but then he's gone again, and she's all alone. Very small girl on a very big porch.

By Jacob Clifton

Okay, so Crystal has been "promised" to that face-beater Felton since she was four years old. "Is that even legal?" asks Jason, which duh, and she's like, "It's Hotshot, Jake." Jason asks more of the right questions: "Well, is it like a church or cult or something? Because I've done that, and they washed my brain." She says no, according to Calvin "God's just a drug, like meth or whiskey." Instead of asking her to further narrow it down, which would really be helpful because at this point it seems like you're just looking at like an inbreeding program, if there's not a religious component, and why would you have one of those -- Crystal Norris making for, at the least, a very poor Kwisatz Haderach -- but it's Jason. He's more interested in her jacked-up face.

So yes, it was Felton -- who from the looks of things was also very young when they were affianced, which makes the breeding thing seem even more likely than if he were old like they usually are -- who beat her up. But not because of Jason's visit per se, because she covered that up so sneakily: It was because after Jason left, she said she didn't want to marry him anymore. Cousins hate it when you say that, they will punch you every time. So Jason's like, A) That is great because it's not technically my fault, but mostly B) Thank goodness you're not getting married, although C) Bummer about your face getting even more crazy-looking than usual.

Jason gets all mesmerized by her once again -- she makes him feel like he's "home," he says wistfully -- and she gets all nervous about the keys again. He says he'll drive her wherever she wants to go, but he can't be without her. And, if he's not mistaken, she is close to admitting she feels the same way. Crystal doesn't disavow this exactly but does point out that the Hotshot people will come and kill him -- no one's getting out -- and he's like, "Let me tell you a little thing about Stackhouses and how we feel about armies of superpowered nutjobs/drug dealers making an assault on our houses: It does not bother us at all, no matter what you may say or think about that. And this is because we are -- proudly, eternally, without a second thought and without pause -- 100% bonkers."

Lafayette's house is also bonkers and also has a superpowered army coming for it apparently and just like the Stackhouses, Lala doesn't care. Of course, he's only being warned about the problem by his mom, so I guess he has an excuse. Jesus finally shows up and Lafayette takes all of his furniture out from blocking the door so shit can get awkward. When she sees him, Ruby Jean goes, "Jesus," and stalks off. Apparently a new nurse -- a "white bitch," if you were wondering -- left Ruby J unattended, and here she came.

But she can't believe it, until he turns this conversation -- which is really about Jessica and Hoyt and hope -- back into the truth about all four of them: He loves her, but he has to let her go. He turns to leave, too sad to keep talking and too exposed to keep telling the truth, but she catches him up with a truth of her own: "...I love Hoyt. But he's so good. And sweet. He deserves to be with somebody who deserves him." Bill nods, finally understanding that she does actually get him and he can actually have this relationship. They agree: It sucks. It's like the first time they've ever actually seen each other.

Sookie looks at her scrapbook of times spent with Bill, and then remembers that time he murdered her in the back of a dirty van, and instead of saying, "Why am I looking at these pictures?" she flips another page, and another: Blank. All the stories they didn't get to tell, and now never will. Spooky nighttime sounds -- is this the time? -- send Sookie scrambling for her big old fucking gun, but it's just Hadley. Looking pretty and soft and normal, and who breaks down at the kitchen table when she hears about Gran, and immediately starts apologizing about being such bad kin. Sookie tells her not to worry about the past stuff, and Hadley is unexpectedly hard for a moment: "You're right. Gran is fine wherever she is. We're the ones who are fucked." She's embarrassed but she gets to the point: "I didn't come here to visit. I've got a message for you from Eric Northman."

Sookie's skin crawls and she gets pissed again -- how does Hadley know him, what's he doing to her, why is everything so horrible all the time -- and Hadley explains she has to give the message just right, or it won't be pretty: "Russell is coming for you. Don't trust Bill." Yeah right, Sookie points out, like trusting Eric ever works out. More importantly, why is Hadley at all involved in this?

Since "I'm off drugs and have become the lesbian consort to the Vampire Queen of Mississippi and Louisiana" is a bit heavy for a first reunion, she decides to take off at this point. (Is she a vampire? I still feel like she might be. No reason for it to be nighttime, and she's doing Eric's bidding in a disconcertingly precise way that might indicate so.) Sookie chases her into the living room, pointing out that Russell is real good at doing super scary things like kidnapping Bill and manipulating Eric. Once again, her logic sounds crazy but actually makes sense: If the Vampire King of Mississippi and Louisiana wants her, he is going to find her. And you know what? He isn't going to kill her. So she's even more right than I thought. Hadley says it's not that simple, and in fact they are going to do truly horrible things to her... But she leaves before Sookie can find out the total ending of her last apology, which has to do with telling Russell about their big family secret. Then she's gone, and Sookie goes back to waiting, instead of running.

Eric's plan is so complicated at this point I just can't even say what's up. I still don't know what the "Don't trust Bill" thing is about -- although it's interesting that he probably doesn't know just how indebted to Sookie Bill is right now, having killed her a little bit on the way home -- but I think it's safe to say that nobody knows about Hadley's run to Bon Temps to warn Sookie in advance of Russell's visit, which Eric needs him to do so he can be alone with Talbot, but then coincidentally it ends up not mattering that Sookie ignored Hadley's message, because...

We'll get there. For now: Talbot, do you feel like bitching? Of course you do. About the usual, I presume? Yes. Russell is, like in every episode to date, off on an errand. And frankly a bit disinterested in Talbot's boilerplate whining about his loneliness: "In a giant mansion, with all the blood you can drink, and all the vampire boys you could possibly want. Oh, poor Talbot. Are your diamond slippers chafing?" Talbot whines about how Russell's just collecting people -- the Queen, this telepath -- and hurting his stupid feelings and whatever and generally making my ears bleed like I stayed up past my bedtime. Somebody just fucking kill him already. Please?

Oh. Eric. You are my hero, as usual. Just as Talbot's worked his way through the collection destroying things and finally reached the Viking crown, Eric zooms over and grabs his wrist. "I know I'm a poor substitute, but I would be honored to keep you company." Talbot wavers -- this didn't work out in his favor last time he tried to play it -- but Russell knows just how to play it: "That sounds like fun. I am positively jealous!" Well, of course that's all Talbot needed to hear, so he's into it. Russell catches Eric's eye over Talbot's shoulder and mouths a silent, intimate "Thank you." Eric grins at them, first one then the other, but when he turns to place the crown back on its shelf there's no smile there at all.

Crystal and Jason are on the couch in a post-coital situation talking about how she's never had a job besides "cooking," which of course she has to clarify for him, and then he pulls up his undies and starts in about how the Hotshotters are not going to get her back or kill him. She can almost believe him when he says it, because that's how the Stackhouses operate: By saying things so death-defyingly dumb that you have to go along with it or your brain will explode. For her part, Crystal is playing some really subtle tones here: You honestly believe she's this sheltered, that she really did grow up on an insular compound and doesn't actually understand very much about the real world. It's very sympathetic; there's something about the innocence of her laughter and the way he delights her that tells you more about who she is than any of the facts. Crystal's tummy growls like a panther and he offers to go pick up some food, carrying her bodily into the shower and then grabbing his gun and heading out to do whatever dipshitty thing is on his evershifting agenda of dipshitty activities at the moment.

By Jacob Clifton

Following Tommy -- Merlotte's is always about the tracking shots but especially this week -- to the floor, past apparently Peter Tork who works there now, we run right into poor old Hoyt Fortenberry, who has his whole biscuit problem to deal with. Unluckily, he asks Tommy if she's working, so he gives him a whole bunch of 'tude and they start talking about taking it outside, so Sam jumps in and hauls tiny little Tommy away from big old Hoyt. But the wild grin over his shoulder as he's leaving makes it a little harder to decide who to root for, because it's one of the best moments in the whole episode. Just gleeful and awesome.

Sam yells at Tommy in the back office about not being a jerk to poor sweet Hoyt, who may be a crybaby but is assuredly not a dick, and how Tommy additionally will not be getting in the middle of Hoyt and Jessica. "I know it's been a fight for you up until now, but it don't have to be that way no more, all right? So how about you just give trouble a rest for a while and focus on building a future for yourself?" Tommy tunes out at this point, and by the time Sam gets around to saying that he's a role model and that Merlotte's was his dream and Tommy can have his own dream and go to college, Tommy realizes that they don't actually know each other at all. Breakdown in Hobbit communication.

Bill and Jessica chase each other around the old Compton house, faster than the eye can see. She loves it, and he gets into it too; it is absolutely wonderful. He warns her about the werewolves and Russell's guys -- as we've learned, newborns are like the only vampires they can kill -- and Jessica finally draws him out about what's going on with him personally right now. Sookie dumped him, for reasons he doesn't share, so Jessica assumes it's because he dicked up the proposal (by getting kidnapped?). But he shouldn't lose heart, because she was wearing the ring the whole time. He swears, again for elliptical reasons she doesn't know to look for, that it's over. "No way," she says. "Way," he says. It's ridiculous, but sort of sweet: This would appear to be the fashion in which children speak these days.

By Jacob Clifton

The drunk Merlotte's ladies are all flirting with Tommy when he -- and Sam -- both sniff something strange, and two-natured, headed into the bar. Well, if it isn't poor Cal Norris and his nephew-cousin-brother Felton, sniffing literally around for a little lost Hotshot lass name of Crystal Norris. "Got a black eye, because she's so clumsy she walked into a wall," Felton notes, by way of helpful description. Sam asks them to take their inbred cousin-beating weirdness elsewhere, and Felton responds that firstly, his truck is still here in the parking lot where she left it, and secondly, Sam is being a "fuckmouth." It is rare these days that one comes across a neologism so truly necessary and yet so fresh.

Tommy gets that beautiful shine in his eyes and grins at them, threatening to beat them both up, and Cal spits on the floor and calls Sam a shifter -- which makes both brothers' eyes go wide -- and they talk about maybe cutting Sam's dick off for him and feeding it to the hogs, but they go finally. They are just fighting like dogs and cats! After, Tommy and Sam are weirded out by the smell of them. I learned the other day that meth use leaves a smell behind like cat piss; maybe that's what they smell?

Jesus is on the phone with presumably his boss at the facility, getting permission for a sleepover with Ruby Jean: "Yes, sir. Thank you." Lala comes out to tell him that she's asleep and to thank him for everything. Jesus points out that she went through a hell of a lot to get to her son -- to warn him and protect him -- and that this was a certain kind of sign of love. After all, the flair for drama runs in the family. Jesus awkwardly turns the conversation to Lafayette's storied "power" that Ruby J was talking about, but Lafayette snorts.

By Jacob Clifton

"When I was five years old, that woman told me I could breathe underwater. My little ass almost drowned. So no, boyfriend, I don't listen to most of what come out her mouth." Jesus explains about how crazy people on TV are magical, and that for people with "power," it is very dangerous to be drug dealers: "All that energy you've got, it can go dark if you let it." Lafayette, pinpointing immediately that that makes no goddamn sense at all, opines that perhaps Ruby Jean's crazy has finally rubbed off on Jesus. And, after a stumbling apology and half-hearted explanation from the drug dealer, and a last-minute clinch and kiss, it turns out Ruby Jean's crazy isn't going to be the only one tonight to do so.

By all means, let's have a change of scene. You know what would be cooler than watching the most beloved character on the show make out with the Hottest Man On Television? Watching Eric playing literal chess with fuckin' Talbot. Of course he checkmates, and of course Talbot sweeps the pieces off the board, and then Talbot minces, "I'm bored. Take off your clothes." He chases the guards out of the room with an actual hiss, and Eric drops his shirt and they growl and kiss really awkwardly. That face coming at your face, I can't imagine what that's like; it's even worse when he's acting "horny." But this is what was always going to happen, and it can only lead to one place, so I support it wholeheartedly. Urge it on. When Eric says it's been awhile, he's not talking about men, he says: He's talking about vampires. Honey, you're still barely talking about either.

Jason is not in fact multitasking by going over to fight with Bill in the middle of his date; instead, he has taken a gun to Hotshot and is now waving the thing all over the place. A banjo radio station brings him to one shack in particular, and a big old trail of blood, which leads in turn to a groaning naked man eating the guts out of a deer. When he notices Jason standing there, he hisses like a jungle cat, and Jason runs. Just as he's heading back to his truck, Cal comes back from Merlotte's and gets Jason's whole speech about how Crystal ain't never coming back there and they ain't never going near her again and he's gonna leave Crystal the fuck alone or imaginary cop Jason is going to do something terrible to their hillbilly freak show, and he leaves. And Calvin, there is something in his eyes that says maybe love is real sometimes, and -- I think -- that Crystal might have chosen right after all. Maybe nobody gets out after all.

By Jacob Clifton

Sookie's in the guest room with her gun when the howling starts. Two wolves, with Debbie laughing and looking gorgeous, arrive; she kicks the door open for them. Bill meets one, and they fight; Debbie smells Sookie and heads upstairs. Jessica appears for the other wolf, waving coquettishly. "Hi," she says, girl meeting her first dream date at the door. Upstairs, Debbie knocks on the door and makes a "I'll huff and I'll puff" joke, and then kicks it off its hinges. Sookie explains she's not totally into killing Debbie, but does want to point out that her life issues are the results of her choices. Still in there fighting, Stackhouse. I admire that so much.

So then why not shoot? Because there are people who -- for some reason -- love Debbie, and that would be sad. Debbie says that yes, Sookie is very "noble and shit," but that (and this part is true) the only reason Sookie associates with vampires and werewolves is because her own kind rejects her: "They know you're nothing but a freak!" she shouts, and attacks. They've both had a lot of V, of course, but Debbie scores the first point by reminding Sookie she drank it out of a half-dead Bill Compton. And then it is on.

They fight and they fight and they fight, and it's awful and sort of awesome, because it's not stunt actresses and so it's a bit more awkward than usual. But also, Sookie Stackhouse fights real vicious-like, which I wasn't expecting and makes me happy. Good thing Russell told Debbie not to kill her, or else Sookie would be wolfbait right now, but still: They both come out looking pretty bad-ass. The first time Debbie punches Sookie, she licks the blood off her lips and her eyes go sort of insane, and it's amazing.

Downstairs, Bill's finished off one of the wolves when he hears the chick-fighting upstairs; Jessica's annoyed when the other one goes running outside -- "Hey, get back here!" she yells -- and chases him out. Bill screams for her to stay inside, since this is an army of werewolves and vampires, but it's too late. Now there's screaming upstairs and outside, because Russell's out there and he's got Jessica by the throat. Bill barely spares a look up the stairs before following her out. "I take it this is yours?" Bill worries and yells, and Russell offers to hand over Jessica for Sookie. Bill isn't having that either. Russell drinks from Jessica's neck, and she screams and it's awful.

By Jacob Clifton

"You are 3000 years old and a King, yet you hide behind guards, wolves, a baby vampire. Are you a coward? Or are you just lazy?" Bill always plays the class card, doesn't he? Russell shoves Jessica toward the woods and she goes zooming away, the Swayzewolf nipping at her heels, and suddenly Russell's got Bill on the ground and he's grinding the side of his silver spur into Bill's face and telling him Northman was right: He's a waste of the blood. That is so true! Love him or hate him -- and this year yes, I totally love him -- but for all his virtues, Bill Compton is still the worst excuse for a vampire you could possibly imagine.

Upstairs, they're hitting each other with chairs and shoving each other's heads into the walls and doing flying wrestler jumps onto each other. There's choking and badness and then all of a sudden Sookie grabs a pair of silver scissors and gashes Debbie's down one side. Daaaaaaamn, Stackhouse! Debbie screams and starts crying with this particular note in her voice like she can't believe it. She cries like a girl, not like in a sexist way but like for a second she sounds like a teenage girl, crying and hurt. It's awful to hear. It's also awful to look at, the giant gash that she still can't quite believe just happened and the blood pouring out of it, and Sookie with that gun again, pointing it right in her face while Bill gets his ass soundly and roundly kicked downstairs.

Meanwhile in Jackson, Eric and Talbot are very naked and very all over each other, but then before you know it, and it's not really important how they get there, but so like Eric's got Talbot... In a position such that... Basically Talbot can't really, like, see what Eric's up to. Behind him. Okay? And then Eric grabs that scroll of Japanese vampire erotica from the other day and says, "Russell took my family. Now I take his." And Talbot realizes that he has been had in a whole other way, and he screams and freaks out, but it's too late, and now Talbot is dead, dead, dead.

Russell stops kicking the everloving shit out of Bill for a second and then gets really sad and really scared and goes flying up into the sky like a rocket, shouting Talbot's name. Eric was so afraid, of feeling this.

Bill stares, and upstairs Sookie invites Debbie to leave, and then shoots the wall by her face, and then Debbie grins and goes flying out the window and runs off in the form of a wolf. Bill sprints up the stairs -- I guess he can only think about one of his girls or the other at a time? -- and they say "I love you" a million times and he apologizes a million times, because today was a really hard day: They only broke up like 24 hours ago and it did not improve their lives very much at all. Their love theme as they kiss starts slow, and sweet, but it goes darker and darker until it's gone altogether.

By Jacob Clifton

Hoyt drives and cries; just past a little hidden clearing where Jessica feeds on the wolf. He begs for her mercy; she wraps herself around him and continues eating. He deserves it, for what he would have done to her; her beast turned out stronger than his. It's that simple.

Sookie's house is torn apart. Wolves, and fights, and death; a goddess of raw nature who aged it impossibly. Brought the outside in. Forces and magic beyond understanding. What was once comforting, Heimlich, has gone wild and wracked and strange, and magical. What was inside now also and partially takes part of what's outside. The definition is perforated, like a neck. What was safe is now continually questionable; the alliances you could once come home to are now just more places for them to hurt you. Once-bright corners now host strange shadows and can't be trusted. The house groans under its history, strange even to itself. Its whole life is at night now.

And upstairs, in a pile of wreckage -- the scissors, the gun, a teddy bear speckled with blood -- Bill and Sookie are fucking, harder and harder; she pushes him down against the floor, and she pushes his arms away, and down, and she pushes his face away, and he struggles with her, and she struggles with him, and his hand is around her neck, and her hand is around his. But they don't let go.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see vloggers Val and Beth discuss vampire pregnancy in TV is the Answer!

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