Vendetta For V

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 07-18-2010 · S03E05

Yeah, Act II has started. Everything flips over and turns into something new, and somehow this very excellent episode manages to make all 50,000 characters and storylines not only easy to follow, but delightful at every possible second. This one's the gold standard, babes.

Franklin brings Tara to Russell's, where Talbot is gay some more. Bill's still covered in blood from Goner Rita's last week, which freaks Tara out, but it's sort of sad because he only got to be a bad guy for like five minutes before he got found out. Franklin gives Russell Bill's dossier on Sookie, which ends up making Bill look pretty bad, but now Franklin's more interested in Sookie than Bill anyway -- especially once he sees Bill's research into her telepathic genealogy. Man, the only person more interested in Sookie Stackhouse than Sookie Stackhouse is, like, every single vampire.

Then Eric shows up and Russell decides, I think, they're going to kill the Magister together. Whatever happens, Eric now only has one day to get things figured out, or Pam is toast. Oh, also Eric and Talbot might be doing it shortly -- but not before another hilarious Viking flashback where Eric realizes Russell was behind his original parents getting killed by werewolves back in Viking times. So now Eric's running, like, a quadruple game on everybody, which is just about business as usual: Wants revenge on Russell, sold out Bill to the Magister, sold the Magister and Sophie-Anne out to Russell, tick-tock on Pam getting staked, and somehow still manages to act like it's no big thing.

Sookie drives Alcide nuts some more, and Debbie runs around screaming awesome things at her like, "I'll cut you!" Alcide still has not discovered shirt technology, which is absolutely fine. They visit Alcide's Packmaster, who admits to knowing all about King Russell and his particular bizarre werewolf religion -- and says there's nothing to be done, because even he is scared to death. Apparently when Russell's FUCrew comes to town, you just stay real quiet until they go away. (Which I'm still not sure I understand, because how long has he been the Mississippi King? Two years since the bad Weres showed up, right?)

Franklin finally shows his true colors, w/r/t Tara, and also that he is adorable. He's like if Spike and Drusilla had a baby. So he ties her up some more and plays with her phone and takes her to Shoney's and eventually decides that he's going to make her his vampire bride. Even Tara, whose middle name is Misery, is sort of impressed by how WTF her life has gotten, but she finally starts fighting back and trying to work his crazy to her advantage. In one episode they manage to go from the most depressing part of the show to the very greatest part of the show. It's phenomenal. (Also phenomenal: Cooter. As usual.)

Sam gives little brother Tommy a job and a place to stay, while their dad does more of that creepy violent sexual shit the dad always does with Tommy. It's getting super dark, like to the point where whatever is really going on cannot possibly be as bad as all the things the show wants you to think is going on. What is the mysterious secret? I just hope Sam gets through this one without going crazier than Tara.

Terry's moving in with Arlene, and delivers one of the most powerful speeches ever, all about how moving in with Arlene represents a positive step toward normalcy. He has no idea he actually is the most normal person in town, it's just the rest of them are so good at faking it. In other Bon Temps news, Jason does more cop stuff and generally spins his wheels, but finally gets a date with mysterious Crystal, that Hotshot girl he spotted in the woods. He courts her so sweetly and shirtlessly, and eventually they take a little walk in the forest at Merlotte's, where there is smooching. What is her mysterious secret?

Like Jessica (who may have found a way to get over poor, broken-hearted Hoyt), Lafayette enjoys his bonding time with Tommy Mickens, which goes a long way to making us like Tommy. But this little moment is T-boned by Hottest TV Person Jesus, who comes a-courtin' Lafayette, and ends up spending the whole day at Merlotte's, just being awesome. You haven't lived until you've seen Lafayette Fucking Reynolds blushing and tongue-tied over a cute boy. (What is his mysterious secret?)

In the end, Bill and Sookie reunite for about five seconds, but it's too late: Coot and Russell show up at Alcide's, where Sookie treats them to another show of her electric hand powers. Russell is, to say the least, delighted. Presumably, everybody will now be staying at the King's compound for a while: Bill and Eric with their games-within-games, Sookie being crazy as hell, Lorena starting shit, Coot getting homoerotic on Bill all the time, Tara and Franklin's huge bizarre mess, Talbot and Eric probably sleeping together, Bill possibly going secretly insane on his own, any amount of Alcide drama... Jeez. Once Sophie-Anne shows up, it's going to be literally the craziest place on earth.

Lorena, Bill and Russell come giggling through the front door of Chez Gay, still just covered in Goner Rita's blood from the towncar and looking pretty much demented. They are surprised to see Talbot sniffing around Tara, who is still wearing that sad white shift and has the bouquet strapped to her hands. I cannot imagine Tara smells wonderful at this point, but then I don't really know what the situation is w/r/t vampires and smells. Seems like they're asking a lot, being corpses and all.

Talbot is talking to Tara like she's a dog -- "Who's a pretty girl?" -- which I guess fits his take on humans, but it's still super-creepy. Also, he calls her a "dusky little bloodbeast," which is just six kinds of offensive at once. Franklin calls Talbot the "cleaning lady" and Talbot hisses like he's about to snatch him bald, then he says "matchy-matchy," because not only is imaginary gayness his entire personality, but also it's 2001. Wait 'til he starts calling things "fierce."

Bill and Tara pretend not to recognize each other, since that's the sensible thing to do. Just kidding, Tara totally blurts "BILL?" the second she sees him, so that everybody will have an additional reason to murder her without a second thought. (I mean, on the one hand Tara does have a serious amount of shit coming at her at all times, but on the other hand she has never made what you would call a good decision.) And of course Bill is stagey and hilarious about how he has no ahdea who Tara is or why she is there or whatever. Everybody wonders, Tara being Franklin's girlfriend, why then she is tied to a parlor chair with decorative items duct-taped to her body.

Franklin, as a lunatic of outrageous proportion, is not interested in explaining why being His involves using every possible knot from the Webelos Handbook, and spirits a very paternal/affectionate Russell away to the study so that he can tattle on Bill and we can see what Franklin is actually like when he's not being menacing. (The answer is: Amazing.) Talbot prisses about him bringing work home and Russell barks, "Darling? King," pointing at himself.

Tara, all alone in the parlor with only her dying ugly flowers for company, asks Bill for a little help, but he's crazed in the eyes and seemingly uninterested in her plight. Although you know if they were all alone and not in the middle of an Abercrombie & Fitch he'd do just like Sookie and totally ignore how tied up and beaten Tara is, and just start asking about Sookie and did she mention me and how's she doing and what did she have for breakfast.

Instead, Bill goes upstairs and Lorena follows, still doing that pathetic post-breakup thing every single person alive can be caught doing where you're like, "So we're back together, right? Because you were really nice to me at that party the other night," and the person has to go, "I was clearly drunk, and grooving on life." This will not, in fact, disrupt Lorena's belief that they are boyfriend and girlfriend and that soon they will wed, because poor Lorena.

So for services rendered, Russell -- still just covered in stripper blood -- will be making a payment into Franklin's trust account -- not cash, because I don't know if you noticed this but Franklin has a little thing with impulse control. Like, last time Russell gave him a lump sum he went to Biloxi and killed a bunch of old ladies for hogging the slots. Also, why is Franklin dragging "another" girl around? He's a sloppy mess and Russell always cleans up his abductee/gambling murder messes. Franklin, hinting at awesomeness to come: "She's such a fucking disaster! We could be twins!"

It somehow makes it easier to bear the constant million burdens of Tara when they just come out and admit that she is crazier than everybody else put together. Like she gets to own it. Remember when she put on her prom dress that time, and wrecked shop on every single person in the show, and it only took her like five minutes? That was incandescent. "Franklin, you're a huge freak, but I like your work." The vibe with Russell is like Franklin is his personal Mark Ruffalo and what are you going to do?

The truth is that William Thomas Compton is a huge liar, because why did Franklin find a dossier on innocent Sookie Stackhouse that also included her family tree? "Sophie Anne's overstated perfume is all over this," he says, which of all the bonehead things Bill constantly does that's the one that bugged me the most. But I guess if Sookie Stackhouse is just a concept to you at this point you wouldn't realize that the entire universe revolves around her. Wait until Russell meets her! She'll probably spit in his face and stomp on his foot and then ask him for a favor or to perform her wedding ceremony with Bill and he'll be like, "I liked you better as a concept."

Anyway, it was unsatisfying that Sookie shot that werewolf that was trying to kidnap her -- back when the plan was to let Lorena kill her in front of Bill, or at least the threat of same -- but Franklin, who should not be allowed to look down on anybody, looks down on werewolves. Russell muses that he should send Franklin back to Bon Temps for her, but Franklin smiles impossibly wide, so wide that in the blackness of his crazy mouth you can see one million laughing faces of Franklin and so on, because Sookie is: Already in Jackson, the place not the person. Russell giggles and for one moment goes completely wonderful, as he sometimes does.

Lorena follows Bill to his room, once again making an ass of herself about how he's playing "hard to get" -- like, doesn't a threesome with a gay antiques dealer/head of a Nazi werewolf cult mean anything anymore? -- and Bill, who is stressed from the day's events and now this whole separate drama of Tara, explains that not even Russell respects her, and she is a dumb bitch, and Russell said so, and you have no friends, and your feet smell, whatever Bill Compton insults he can make up on the fly: "You played yourself into a corner, you tiresome cow." He minces into his room and slams the door gingerly and Lorena actually finds it in her crazy sad heart to think for one moment that possibly things are not going great.

(It was at this point that everyone in the room -- except my friend Liz, who takes Bill and Sookie very seriously -- finally admitted that we sort of love Lorena, and in fact always secretly have. It was therapeutic in a way, like that MTV show where they lock the children in the gym and make them admit secrets until they all start crying and somewhere in New York you can feel Tina Fey becoming more powerful and radiant from the power of their introspection and mutual respeito.)

Alcide is driving like Jehu, apparently having not wolfed out after all during the big gay werewolf orgy, and Sookie is still trying to piece together what was obviously happening all around her. She is not putting it together. Alcide tries to explain, but he is not interested in her condescending non-were privilege and finally she screams at him: "IF YOU DON'T SLOW DOWN YOU'RE GONNA KILL US AND I AM NOT GONNA DIE BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY GIRLFRIEND AND A MISSISSIPPI POTHOLE!" Alcide slams it to a stop, and Sookie -- genteel as hell and still in her "disguise," which makes it even funnier -- says the best thing she has ever said, which just encapsulates how much I love her this year: "...I had to be mean, to make you listen. I'm sorry."

Alcide explains that when Debbie wasn't drinking or cheating, they were a good couple. She'd play horseshoes with his dad (hopefully not for money!) and help his mom plant tomatoes and stuff. Sookie points out, by way of contrast, that tonight it was less about horseshoes and tomatoes and more about getting naked and branded under a giant wolf-skin at a cult meeting for neo-Nazi werewolves on drugs. Alcide sees the difference there, but does not remark upon it. Wait, did somebody say Bill? Nope, that's just the sound of another Sookie Stackhose Segue: "So, it's boring talking about your life. I think we both know that. I have noted a distinct lack of Bill in this story. Tell me more about Russell Edgington."

Turns out Alcide did know that Russell was a vampire, but not that he's the King. I wonder if the Weres even know about that ridiculous system, where you're the King or Queen of like five other people. Bureaucracy, social order, etiquette, these are not things Weres are into. They have Packs, which is in some way much more rigid and doesn't allow for nearly as much bitchy behavior. No pun intended. So of course immediately Sookie's like, "Um, so take me to this vampire Russell so that I can act ridiculous and get myself murdered. Duh."

Eric charms his way through the many gay levels of security at the Compound and finally is received by old Talbot, who devours him with his whole gayface in about one second. Nobody seems to know that Eric is the Sheriff of Louisiana Area V, which again: This is what happens when you have a whole royal system that only a few other people know. They're like the Society for Creative Anachronism or whatever, that put on the costumes and rule their made-up duchies and whatnot: "I'm the King of Wyoming, and my three subjects are very loyal. One of them is a lesbian horse-trainer and the other two have a casino. We made t-shirts."

Talbot, "royal consort," offers to "facilitate," and then rudely does so by yelling up the stairs for Russell, I guess to impress upon Eric a "we're cool" thing, because he also snits at the bodyguards to let him go, like the three of them are all equals and so formality is cast aside, or something. Or maybe he's just actually that trashy and pretending to be cool, except he's a fairly old vampire so I don't know why that would be true. The actor and character of Talbot are either so terribly subtle that they both seem shitty and offensive, or else it's just actually that way.

Eric, pushing through with his Pam-centric plan of portraying Bill as a missing V dealer from his Area, manages to play Talbot and Russell pretty well with his good manners and hotness. He's there to hunt Russell's territory, and asking permission for that is very charming -- not to mention classy, considering nobody told Sophie-Anne they were sending Op Werewolf and Freakout Franklin into her territory -- but especially since they're just patronizing him basically because he's adorable. Of course, they immediately produce Bill, pointing out that he is five times too dorky to ever sell drugs of any kind. Bill's like, "You cast aspersions on mah dorkiness!" and then Russell explains how hardcore Bill sold everybody out, that he knows it's Sophie-Anne that's selling the blood and that Bill has turned his back on her and her Queendom. Which means, Eric notes dreamily, that he's also given up Sookie.

"A King in front of them, a Queen behind them, and they're talking about a human girl!" Russell chuckles, stroking Talbot's hand fondly. "Men." (More of that, less of Talbot fussing with linens, please.) Eric comes clean about the blood dealing, but points out that the Magister still wants Bill, or he'll kill Pam tomorrow. Talbot gasps and twinkles about losing your children and it's dumb, and then Russell spits on the idea of the Madge: "Nasty little... Anachronistic toad! A ridiculous remnant of the Middle Ages!" Russell's V For Vendetta/Rousseauist Social Contract side comes through about how the only power he has over them is what they give him -- magisters should be afraid of their vampires -- and that if Eric would like to stay there tonight (today) -- and of course get his giant Nordic knob polished by Talbot, which Eric already thinks is fucking hilarious -- probably they can cook up a real bizarre and unlikely scheme about that in time to save Pam. Then Eric toasts Bill in this hilarious mean way like, "I just got here five minutes ago, and Mom and Dad already like me more than you." Bill is like, "It is mah tragedy."

Sookie wakes up to a fight between Debbie and Alcide that I think is meant to explain or functionally obfuscate what happens at the end of the episode, which is that Coot is able to invite vampires into Alcide's house despite not living there. Although honestly,

since Bill and Franklin have now both glamoured people to let them in, I don't see that it matters anymore. But there's something about the key, Debbie has a key and has apparently used it to get into Alcide's house, and for why? To save his "fucking life" by explaining that in addition to being a drug addict who has sold her ass to Russell, he's also something amazing that she can't talk about and that, being an ignorant redneck, Alcide was never supposed to know about.

(That's a pretty stressful conversation, because it's about religion and addiction and their failed relationship and her betrayal of the pack and dangerous powers and the ruining of Mississippi and her own personal internal landscape, you know? Very complex and personal and dangerous, especially if you are talking about werewolves whom we have seen are somewhat labile even when they're not on magic drugs. So you wouldn't want to walk in on that, is what I'm saying. Like maybe you should wait for a minute until they calm down or the werewolf junkie lady leaves, before walking out of the bedroom in your undies. Probably that would be the smartest move.) So Sookie comes wandering out into the middle of this ugly werewolf breakup fight in her undies.

Needless to say Debbie whirls on her, assuming that Sookie is fucking Alcide -- a safe assumption, really, for anybody within ten miles of Alcide -- and Sookie points out that right in this very house, Debbie's brain is saying, she fucked Coot -- also understandable -- as well as various wolves name of Roy and Bobby and Travis. Debbie lunges and calls her a whore, and Alcide threatens to toss her ass out -- "blood or no blood" -- but instead, crazy fucking Sookie Stackhouse gives another one of her awesome speeches that her attackers invariably sit still for.

"No, I'm not sleeping with him. But you traded this good person who loves you for a shot of V, that burn on your back, and a dumb biker who's half the man and half the wolf that Alcide is."

Debbie (just amazingly sympathetic, growling through the tears; how does she do this?) offers to fuck Sookie up -- "I will cut you!" -- and even Alcide is like, "Jesus, Sookie, time and place" but then when Sookie tries to mental some Bill infos out of Debbie's crazy head, she is brutally rebuffed, because Debbie has no idea who Bill is. Sookie, come on! Why would she? You might as well just lecture everybody in the entire state of Mississippi about their lives and choices and then demand they tell you where Bill Compton is.

Oh wait, that's like your whole plan. Carry on.

Franklin has tied Tara to the bed in a new ridiculous nightgown, using apparently every Turk tieback of every window treatment in the entire mansion. (Talbot is going to have your ass for that, little man.) He sort of humps around on top of her for awhile using phrases like "my lover" and "Even when I'm away from you I can feel your flesh molded to me" and things along those lines that say, "I have not dated much and have no sense of what is gross to hear from your boyfriend," much less when they've got you locked up and hypnotized and left you on a toilet and sucked your blood and used you as a meat puppet and things. He was already a bad boyfriend before he even started saying this shit.

Lafayette texts -- bitch where are you? -- and Franklin throws a tizz about boys texting Tara, so she explains, his hand clamped vampishly strong around her neck, that Lafayette is both her cousin and gay, two words which do not accurately describe the degree to which he is either. Franklin thinks to text back I'm busy bitch but thinks that's too many bitches, so how about like how Lafayette is always calling her hooker, maybe there's something there, and sort of remarks to himself that hooker with his crazy accent sounds like hookah, just associating freely, and finally Tara's like, "Tell him I'm okay. Say trust me, motherfucker." I hope that is a secret message, but I am not sure how even Lafayette could fix this one.

It is at this point that Franklin becomes the best part of the entire show to date. "Trust ... me ... motherfucker. Brilliant! Hey Tara! Watch how fast I type motherfucker! Cool, right?" He texts it very fast, it's true. His eyes are lit up wonderfully and honestly and it's like, on this show nothing is pure. Everybody is good and everybody is bad, because they are people. So it only makes sense that the purest character would also be the guy who likes to kill little old ladies and might show up at your house with a trucker's head and make kissy-kissy noises. Of course he's the only person capable of actual joy, now that Hoyt and Jessica are on the rocks.

Tara -- whose challenge in this episode is not only to make new and different WTF faces in every scene she's in, but somehow to continually top herself with the hilarity and bugged-out nature of her many WTF faces -- is like, "Oh yeah, that fast texting you're doing is amazing, Franklin." But I think her grin at this point is some percentage of real, because wouldn't you sort of want to laugh if this were happening? I like to think part of her remains impressed at how fucked up it all is.

Franklin locks into it like a little kid: "I'll delete it so you can watch again! Look! Look at me!" she stares and thinks that of all the bad dates anybody has ever been on, she keeps upping the ante and blowing the curve for every single one of us: Trust me motherfucker trust me motherfucker trust me motherfucker. "Love you!" Franklin spontaneously yells, tail all a-wag. Not being tied to a bed in my own filth, I sort of feel like it's mutual right now.

Jason (looking smashing in a pressed shirt and good-boy hair) surprises Kevin and Kenya at the station -- where they are talking about whether or not red mulch would look too "wild" to his wishing well, which is so banal and so strange at the same time that it kind of makes Kevin easier to take suddenly -- and Jason's all about how he works there now, which surprises Kenya, which at this point should she really be surprised by anything? She yells for "Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefleur" in a tone that implies urgency, and a certain amount of disappointment, though nothing like panic. Kevin's offended that they're taking on new staff, and Kenya finds the whole thing weird, so he sends them both away -- after a Check Yourself look from Kenya that scares him pretty bad -- and gets ready for Jason's shortcutting whines to begin. He is not disappointed. But it's good to get this all out of the way, so that when we see Jason, going nuts about the daily grind, we'll know without being told that it's been hours at most, maybe minutes, since the daily grind started -- and that's what's funny.

Creepy things that happen while Sam is moving the Mickenses into one of his rentals, door to Arlene: 1) When Tommy throws some stuff too hard down the line to Joe Lee, Dad excuses it to Sam by explaining he's "just showing me how strong he is." Not sure why it's intensely creepy, but it is. 2) When Sam once again gets upset by Tommy's angry throwing, Melinda prissily goes, "Oh, it's nothing. It's a little game they ought to play in private." I hate everything, everything. Not like I want this storyline to not exist, but that it has its hooks in me very deep and I am sort of in constant fear of being horrified. 3) "He'll make it up to me. Won't you, boy?" I mean, fuck. Right? Even Sam is 4) Creeped out by the nebulous subtext here: "Maybe you need to talk amongst yourselves, all right?" Melinda 4) is like, "Yeah, this is a private time activity." Tommy's not interested. Just then a meteor crashes through the sky and the Mickenses all die in a fiery holocaust except for Tommy, although -- true to the aesthetic of the episode -- he does lose his shirt in the blaze.

Just kidding, Terry Bellefleur shows up to move in with Arlene and her kids and their oncoming baby who Arlene's still acting like Sam doesn't know about, maybe because he -- unlike Terry -- woul

d actually think to analyze the timeframe. Terry hugs Sam so hard that his ribs crack, and he points out that whatever tumultuous shit is going on behind Terry's crazy eyes, there's nothing to be afraid/manic/angry/panicked about: Arlene is crazy, but then so is Ter... Um, everybody. But that's not what is going on with Terry at all. What is going on with Terry is the saddest, truest, most touching thing we've seen since probably Godric.

"I ain't worried. I've never been so not worried. This is what normal people do, Sam. They fall in love. They make each other laugh, and they move in together. They raise kids. They fight over money. They get old and fat together, and it's normal. And it's happening to me."

I have nothing to add to that. Either you understand how intense that is, or you don't. But you will. (And meanwhile, say hello to Todd Lowe's new career high. That was fucking genius work.) Sam tells him he deserves happiness and normalcy, and Arlene comes out having barfed the day away, and she acts all weird, and sends Terry in with some stuff -- having done nothing to prepare for his arrival, because of the barfing -- and Sam commiserates and congratulates, and she cutely calls herself "a hurtin' gator," which causes Sam -- caught in a sort of emotional/guilt crossfire -- to offer Joe Lee a job as his on-site handyman. Which, to be fair, is a tradition of pedophile alcoholics that goes all the way back to the invention of rent, back in Shakespeare's spoon-stealing heyday. Arlene -- who, I think, has never looked lovelier or more loveable -- is very into that idea, and Melinda is steely-eyed grateful, and then it's time to take Tommy to Merlotte's for the workday. Joe Lee tries for once to be sweet, but Sam watches him in slow-mo for a second and the music is like, "By the pricking of my thumb, shit is never going to stop getting weirder and grosser with that dude."

While Tara risks Talbot's eternal wrath by gnawing at her restraints, Sookie is painting her toenails in a werewolf's guest bedroom and listening in on his werewolf thoughts -- as one does. When he says he's going out to do errands, what he's really doing is meeting with the packmaster Col. Flood, so he can take this whole Edgington mess and make it personal and fuck everything up for everybody. (I see Sookie is rubbing off on him!) Of course she wants to go along, and there's a funny moment where he realizes her non-sequiturs are coming from reading his mind, and he stomps out an aggrieved little Goddamn it! It's cute, which is funny if you think about what that would actually be like, but also has come to define some of the best qualities of their quirky little relationship.

Like, Alcide points out that she is not allowed to involve herself with Were business, due to pack laws going back to the beginning of time, and she's like, "I am psychic, therefore I can keep secrets. Explain that to your wolf god." She then threatens to just go ahead and dig it out of his head anyway, which is unsporting to say the least but good leverage because she knows he'll cave. He explains about packmasters, how they are the alpha and they make the decisions because, as he says, "Most Weres don't have much sense. You saw: They're all teeth and fight and sex," and anyway, Sookie is coming along. Alcide promises that she is not, but then Sookie reminds him that Debbie is going to come eat her skin and flesh the second he leaves her alone anyway, which is what actually wins the argument. "Work with me, Alcide. It gets easier."

Anybody else I would clench my fists, but the tiny way she pats him on his great big right pectoral -- like she feels sorry for him and his inability to bow to her wishes, resulting in mass destruction until he gets in line, not that she isn't sympathetic -- makes it feel funny, and earned, instead of annoying and winky. The Tracy Flick/Head Cheerleader/Steel Magnolia thing she's got going was always there, but the chemistry of it has really changed this year and I love it. Which I know I've said all season, but this episode is so wonderful throughout that I think it's really clear here what they're going for, and I couldn't be happier.

Growing up of southern stock you see/learn a lot of this butter-wouldn't-melt willfulness, this Lyla Garrity way of getting it done while still being sexy and frangible and blameless, that I find immensely comforting, because it's technically still within the bounds of etiquette but mostly because it's one of very few strategies for TCB -- from a position of arguable weakness -- that don't rely on Mean Girl cruelty or Drag Queen nastiness, or really anything alienating, which means you can keep playing that role forever, whenever you need to. Like, you would never treat another woman, or an equal, the way she treats these powerless southern men: "I had to be mean to make you listen!" only works if you define your terms. Raising your voice or asserting yourself (as a woman or gay man) are "mean," alienating and threatening, whereas this is merely providing the boy with an opportunity to make life easier for himself. It's a fine pink line, but if you live there you can move mountains. Even mountains made of wolf muscle.

After a very, very long montage of Jason playing with paperclips and generally being adorable and bored, Jason had had it. "I can't work a desk no more, Andy. It's sucking the life out of me!" He's covered in fingerprinting stuff, all over his face and shirt and looking like the insane ADD toddler he is, but he's willing to work a cold case, a special assignment or anything that involves doing and not sitting: "I need some fucking thing to do right fucking now or I'll blow up like a M80 and take this whole place with me!" Comparisons to W aside -- which I don't really find compelling at all, simply because the similarities between Jason and our former president are the good things about both, and the actual bad W things (dynastic privilege, mindless capitalist cronyism) aren't at issue -- I have sympathy for this moment in Jason's life, because he is a time bomb. He wants to be a superhero cop because A) He is still trying to figure out manhood and B) He killed a guy. It's not about boredom or shortcuts, it's about atonement and actualization. Where he will never actually get, because of the boredom and shortcuts, but he can see from here, which makes him itchier.

Tara, still trailing tie-backs and shoeless in her high-necked, gathered-sleeve nightgown, pulls a Scarlett O'Hara, running off across the grounds of the Compound. The wolves, who don't sleep like the vampires do, obviously, give chase. Coot drops her with a sickening, back-bending jump, and then shifts back to his beautiful self, howling to the others. Oh, Tara. It was a good plan but not a great one.

Lafayette has, of course, taken to Tommy like a new puppy, which is what he is. Pairing any character with Lafayette, even for a single scene, is pretty much giving that character a pass, because extratextually Lafayette is our favorite but also because in-story, Lafayette is a cagey motherfucker with good instincts about people. And then there's some innocence we need to buy back for Tommy, so he can play a teenage boy in the Jessica stuff, which means putting him into the younger-brother role with Lafayette sort of draws a line under the sexualized hints that may or may not exist with Joe Lee. Lafayette's sex-free affection for Tommy in this scene -- where he tries to teach him to smoke cigarillos -- not only does the work of placing him in the Merlotte's milieu, but makes it easier to swallow Sam's own big-brother conversion -- forgiving attempted murder and robbery -- that actually powers this storyline. It's small and cute and all, but actually it's doing a lot of narrative heavy lifting, in context.

Tommy hates the smokes, and Lafayette grins and calls him a pussy -- which is male bonding from a non-hateful place, which is the thing that was missing when he tried to do t

his exact same move for Jason in S1 -- but then Jesus walks up in a perfectly chosen purple polo and Lafayette sends Tommy back to work real quick. Assuming that Ruby is dead, he gets very serious with Jesus, who immediately feels like an idiot for just showing up and making that the obvious assumption. "She's good! She, uh... She threw her breakfast in my face yesterday!"

Already working back to flirty and grinning to himself about what this might mean, Lafayette agrees that at least she's acting in character. Jesus admits he's just there to see Lafayette, because he is glamoured by him, and once again that Reynolds darkness rears. Lafayette gets very cold and scary in his face: "Somebody been talking to you? You heard a conversation with my name in it? Because whatever was said, it ain't fucking true. And you best not tell nobody for your own fucking sake, you feel me? Huh?" Because obviously there's a list and "boyfriend" is like four things down, after vampire and drug-related problems, because Lafayette is a survivor and life is suffering and hoping for good things opens the door to bad ones every time. Jesus is like, "Um, I was here to ask you out? It's my day off?" But having been menaced by a giant magical Lafayette, he reconsiders and tries to leave, apologizing for even bothering.

The difference between Lafayette and his cousin is that Lafayette can actually disengage from a bad train, so he softens his voice and admits that he'd love to, he's just working all night. "I would go with you, but, um... I'm going inside now." They stare at each other and it is wonderful, and finally Lafayette peels away from the Most Beautiful Man In All Of TV, who... Comes following after. In fact, he says quietly, he would like to just hang out at Merlotte's for nine hours, since it's his day off. That is so adorable that even Lafayette is caught wrong-footed and, unable to find a thing wrong with that plan, sort of awkwardly heads back to work, passing trembling Jesus by mere centimeters and thereby giving Jesus head-to-toe shivers. (It's like Hoyt and Jessica in that on the one hand, it is so wonderful! But on the other hand, you have to know that it will end in blood and tears and somebody's mom being a racist zombie.)

At their secret meeting on a closed road, Colonel Flood tells Sookie and Alcide he's not interested in dealing with the Fuck You Crew, not by a longshot, and in fact is so disinterested in this that he can barely find time to bitch about Sookie's presence (now, and at Lou Pine's) beyond pointing out that Alcide will have to be disciplined at some point. (Man, you do not want to know what goes into pack punishment. They are neither a shame nor a guilt culture, let's put it that way.) The plan is, don't do anything, hide until Russell's mean pack goes away. (Which again: How does that happen if Russell is the King of Mississippi? Where did the FUC come from? Where were they before two years ago? Which is also when the Great Revelation happened, and is that important? So many questions.)

Flood also knows that Russell is the King, which is new info for Sookie and Alcide, and that the FUC is recruiting people away from their own pack. "Edgington is ancient. He's had a pack of Weres serving him for centuries all over the world. Now he's on our doorstep. We gonna be smart. Let him do what he wants to do until he goes away." Alcide says this makes Russell an important part of their history, and something they should have known about, and also sort of impulsively says it would be better for them to become extinct than be enslaved by "a dead man." Well, on the other hand he seems to only be going after the trashiest of them, so maybe it's okay. It's also sand on a beach, considering how generally gross they all seem to be.

Sookie plucks from Flood's head that he is terrified and wants to split town altogether, but first Flood lays down some powerful packmaster mojo: "Don't question your packmaster, boy... Alcide, obey." Pointing out that Flood is actually terrified and can't help them is something that Sookie decides to do before he drives away, pissing Flood off further, but Alcide makes sure to let Sookie know that he trusts her implicitly, and if she read that Flood was paralyzed with fear, that's good enough for him.

Jason's special assignment? Washing his cop car, which Jason seems to think is pointless/insulting, but from where I'm sitting seems like a great use of Jason's best attributes. It's always important to give people the job that suits them best, that's just Management 101.

Half-naked and wet, Jason sees Crystal drive by in her Juniper Creek pickup truck with the week's Hotshot provisions, and they have electric eyeball sex, so of course he jumps in the car, shirtless, and follows her for awhile before she pulls over. (This is accompanied by some very embarrassing Bo & Luke Duke music so you know it's a backwoods romance.) They're a flirtatious couple of hotties for a bit, with her clearly understanding that Jason is in no way a cop, and him clearly thinking that his clever disguise of sunglasses and garbled cop-talk will intimidate her into handing over her license and registration -- "Are you resisting me? Because if you are please observe the official police vehicle where I came out of" -- and both of them clearly understanding that none of this is actually happening and in fact they are just going to make out sometime soon.

Jason is about as charming as he's ever been, and it's pretty beautiful, and then they talk about the other night when he saw her crying in the forest outside the family meth factory, and she lets herself fantasize for a second before remembering her responsibilities, and drives away: He can't call her because she doesn't have a phone, and he can have her first name but nothing more, and he chases the truck as it drives away, begging her to meet him that night at Merlotte's. She's pretty sure she isn't, Jason has the optimism of the slow, but I'm thinking there's no way she won't. You don't back down from Jason Stackhouse looking at you like that, no matter how inbred you are.

Jesus nurses a beer and stares at Lafayette, while Jessica and Tommy discuss his first night on the job, which in this case seems to be carrying around the same stuff that Terry's always carrying around. Jessica's friendly and easy with him, because he's a kid like her and the boss's brother and because neither of them are orphans but sort of they both are. Arlene fakes being a person with Jessica for about five seconds, finding time to bitch once again about how there's only one waitress in the place, and Jessica finally asks why Arlene won't ever look her in the eye. "Because I have no desire to be hypnotized, which is apparently what you walking dead people like to do!" The couple through the doors, of course, is immediately glamoured to stiff Arlene on the tip, after a cute line of dialogue -- "I have a very romantic red vinyl booth for the two of you right over there!" -- that shows how comfortable Jessica already is in the Merlotte's environment.

For a show filmed on location, it's funny to see how place-centered it is, but I guess that comes with the subject matter. Sookie's house is always at issue -- who lives there, who gets invited in, who dies there -- and Bill's house is full of secrets, but to anchor the Bon Temps part of this season I think it's really smart to put all the remaining characters into a Merlotte's context. In the space of an episode, Jessica and Tommy and Jesus have taken up residence there, which means the only other person still in Louisiana is Jason, who is not usually linked to a location anyway, and basically has spent this season bouncing between wherever Andy is and Hotshot itself.

Hoyt comes in with his date Summer -- who is played by the wonderful Melissa Rauch, from Best Week Ever and Big Bang Theory, and whose brother I am like totally obsessed with -- whose dad is in AA and whose mom got fat and who wants nothing more than babies, babies, babies, although she's willing to wait a couple years, and who makes a mean tuna casserole. Not that Hoyt is listening -- or else he'd jump away and make the sign of the cross at her, because hello Maxine 2.0 -- because he and Jessica can't stop staring at each other, but Summer -- who'll be with us for the remainder of the season, so settle down -- is unaware.

Less unaware is Tommy, who can tell Jessica's having herself a moment, and laughs when he sees why: "Him? For real? He looks like he got bombed by radiation on his way to middle school! That's a giant sixth-grade boy right there!" When you say it like that, his hotness becomes problematic. Not that you are, strictly speaking, wrong. "Come on. He's Little League, you're a smoking-hot vampire. You're the majors!" Jessica's touched and flirty, and maybe thinking rebound. Which is all very star-crossed, because think about it: The only reason Summer's even there is because Hoyt saw Jessica glamouring Chip last week. So now Jessica will have no choice but to date Tommy, which I'm sure will get horrible somehow, and Summer is now on her way to becoming an actual issue -- boys who can't be with their true love tending to marry their moms, while still finding it hard to understand

By Jacob Clifton

"No, I'm not sleeping with him. But you traded this good person who loves you for a shot of V, that burn on your back, and a dumb biker who's half the man and half the wolf that Alcide is."

Oh wait, that's like your whole plan. Carry on.

Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but Bill's reaction to the part about the payoff is intriguing. Russell keeps hammering at this idea that Bill went to Bon Temps for a reason, and the dossier seems to confirm this, which means: If Sophie-Anne wants a telepath, then Russell's going to need her for himself. "It's a theory beautifully built, of air and imagination. But it has nothing to do with me, sir." Russell sort of decides to be done with Bill, I think, in that moment. I mean, how rude. Coot appears, looking poor sad Bill in the eye with an air of triumph, and Russell summons the guards to take Bill back to his room.

Andy comes to a very itchy Jason -- dressed up and waiting to get stood up by Crystal -- to tell him that he's on the verge of being deputized... Once he gets the physical and does the exam. Jason's heart once again breaks, and Andy gives him a sweet little pep talk, trying to distract him with what he presumes is a sexy young lady on her way. For Jason, that's two problems, things he wants that he can't have, and he's just sort of sad and dejected for a bit. Across the bar, Lafayette and Jesus are flirting very hard, and Jesus is saying the most amazing things about getting to just watch Lafayette work for nine hours, and they play pool, and it's delicious. Lafayette allows himself to hope.

Back of the bar, Tommy asks if he can stay with Sam that night, clearly scared and looking for a way out. Sam's mostly sympathetic, and calls bullshit on Tommy's immediate promise to notify his parents about the overnight. "Something's going on with you all. I feel it. I know it. What does Joe Lee want from you?" Tommy's caught for one second between telling and not telling, but knows whatever scum pertains to their parents will come off on him, and working with Sam has gone so well, and he feels so much like a person, that the shame overpowers it all, and he brushes by, promising he'd talk to Sam if there were anything to talk about.

Cooter comes to visit Bill in his room so they can do some more homoerotic pissing contests with each other, which is Cooter's favorite thing besides drugs. Closing the silver doors behind himself, he gleefully informs Bill that Russell has firmly placed him on the Royal Shit List, and Bill calls Cooter the King's "dirty little lapdog," and Cooter gets angry but also that weird violent kind of biker horny he gets, and says also that -- "and this is sexy good news, Bill!" -- Sookie, styled "Your Bon Temps piece of country ass" and "Your little blond ho," is fucking a werewolf, and in fact doing this right here in Jackson. "Suck that dick!" he crows, but Bill in not interested in sucking that or any other dick, because you just said Sookie's name, and you know how those two get. There is fighting, fighting, fighting, for which Cooter was apparently unprepared, and moments later, a guard comes to check on them -- Cooter lying in the middle of a hurricane, bleeding on the bed -- and before you know it the guard's got a faceful of imported sterling silver door and Bill is once more on the loose.

By Jacob Clifton

Just kidding, Terry Bellefleur shows up to move in with Arlene and her kids and their oncoming baby who Arlene's still acting like Sam doesn't know about, maybe because he -- unlike Terry -- would actually think to analyze the timeframe. Terry hugs Sam so hard that his ribs crack, and he points out that whatever tumultuous shit is going on behind Terry's crazy eyes, there's nothing to be afraid/manic/angry/panicked about: Arlene is crazy, but then so is Ter... Um, everybody. But that's not what is going on with Terry at all. What is going on with Terry is the saddest, truest, most touching thing we've seen since probably Godric.

By Jacob Clifton

Tommy hates the smokes, and Lafayette grins and calls him a pussy -- which is male bonding from a non-hateful place, which is the thing that was missing when he tried to do this exact same move for Jason in S1 -- but then Jesus walks up in a perfectly chosen purple polo and Lafayette sends Tommy back to work real quick. Assuming that Ruby is dead, he gets very serious with Jesus, who immediately feels like an idiot for just showing up and making that the obvious assumption. "She's good! She, uh... She threw her breakfast in my face yesterday!"

By Jacob Clifton

Especially Summer? But also probably Tommy, whose life shittiness quotient at times seems to rival Tara's? Joe Lee calls and Sam hands over the phone, and there is profanity which escalates into drunken screaming and eventually Sam hanging it up for Tommy without comment. Apparently Joe Lee wants Tommy's "ass" home now, and gives not one single "shit" about his gainful employment, and is very excited about the idea of Tommy doing what Joe Lee says, when he says it. I almost wish Tara hadn't been abducted across state lines by a crazy murderous vampire so that Sam could say, "Tara, you know when Joe Lee was your mother, how did you deal with that?" And Tara would say, "First, we're gonna need a possum."

By Jacob Clifton

Instead she all tied up once again at Russell's house, with Franklin throwing quite a wobbler about her escape attempt. Needless to say, his feelings are hurt, which is less touching than it is terrifying, and she explains that she was pretty much scared, due to being tied up and taken places against her will. Franklin explains that, in his crazy head, the tying up is because he's trying to protect her. (Abandon/control/abandon/control: Things are not afraid to get literal with old Tara, are they? She can't just lose control, she has to be inducted into a Dionysian ecstasy cult; she can't just seek out control, she needs a boyfriend who'll tie her up. To love is to bury, but also: Brenda Chenowith Lives!) "I feel like I've been staked!" he chokes out, weeping blood against the wall, utterly bereft, while she shivers on the bed. Once again, Franklin wins.

Tara pulls her ass together for a sec, staring at all the many weirdo things of Franklin at once, and tells him she's just confused and nuts, begging for his forgiveness. "It's not you I'm afraid of, it's this place. All the other vampires, they're the ones who scare me." This last staring away from him, willing him to hear the subtext there, more terrified than ever that she's playing this wrong but hoping it'll give her some breathing room. He puts his arms around her, kissing her forehead, as she gets angrier and angrier: "I'll never let them touch you. There's only you. They don't exist. There's only you."

Fake smiles are flying wildly as Russell and Bill get together to talk about the dossier Franklin Mott found, with the names circled and Sookie's genealogy clearly at issue. Bill pretends throughout that this is nothing to do with him, because Franklin is crazy, and scoffs -- Bill, Bill is a terrible actor, it's gratifying -- at Russell's theory that this has all been a game of Track the Telepath: "You are trying to discover the origins and the meaning of your human's curious mental condition, because somehow, somewhere, there is a payoff." Possibly, she inherited her abilities from her father Earl, who was also circled. There's something just so sweetly Compton-esque about all this.

By Jacob Clifton

Jason catches Crystal in the parking lot, almost crying in her prettiest dress, and she tries to explain how she nearly made it inside a couple of times, but couldn't go through with it. "I shouldn't be anywhere near you," she non-explains: "It's the way it is. You don't understand, and I can't explain." And that's frustrating for us, because we want to know the deal of her, but imagine how much more frustrating for Jason, who has so much less of the facts generally. He turns that Stackhouse charm on her, once again full-force, and asks her to go on a little walk.

Balancing Tara out, as usual, means that Jason needs to let go. Crystal explains to him again and again that now is all they have, here in the woods where they're both happy, and that planning is not something they can do together. But that runs counter to Jason's new life-plan, same as the old life-plan, which is to pull a Terry Bellefleur, and love this girl for the rest of his life. That's what men do, that's what people do: They fall in love, they move in together, they raise kids, they get old together, and it's normal. So hears her say, again and again, that there's no future for them, but he doesn't believe it: When they make love tonight, it's only for the first time. He's never been so not worried.

Eric, hot as hell in an aqua v-neck, offers to accompany on his errand -- getting ahold of Sookie, or as he terms it an "experiment" of sorts -- but Russell tells him to stay with Talbot. "Let him give you the full tour. Makes him positively blithe!" Eric reminds him about the Madge and his own daughter, but Russell blows him off. They run into Lorena on their way to see Russell's collections, and she's unpleasantly shocked to see him (and looking magical in an ivory portrait collar), while Eric just seems, as usual, thrilled and amused: Why, what could she be doing here? Just how weird is Bill getting? And will there be popcorn? "Show me everything," he tells Talbot in his weird slutty way, and they leave her ass on the stairs.

By Jacob Clifton

Sam and Tommy make it home okay, watching a nature show on NatGeo -- "Man, that's a call right there," Sam remarks on the cheetah talk -- and there's a drunken pervy knock at the door. Tommy immediately shivers and cringes, but Sam's confused as to why... Until 95 pounds of drunk freaky Daddy comes barreling through, trying to beat Sam's ass with half his limbs and ordering Tommy to his side with the other. "You sneaky shifter piece of shit," he yells at Sam, which seems pretty telling. Sam gets all manly on him about breaking into his hose and acting crazy as hell, and it's a nice little Sam moment -- and then once he gets a look in those eyes, he realizes that the previously fucked up level on which this was happening is nothing compared to how far down it goes.

"You don't get it, you dumb motherfucker! I own him, head to tail!" (Creeeeeeepy! Moreso!) Sam finally gets about as pissed as we've ever seen him. "Fuck you, you broke-down bastard! You don't own shit! You live in a house I own! You wanna keep it, get out, before I throw your ass in the parking lot!" Sam looks interested in doing just that, and begs Joe Lee for the opportunity as poor Tommy looks on -- and I think maybe figures out that Sam, for all purposes, loves him -- but of course JL flips into contrite drunken babbling -- he can't think straight; Tommy needs to learn responsibility -- and wanders away again. Sam asks Tommy what the fuck that was, but I mean... Obviously, what the fuck that is, is life. Tommy has not really been secretive about that.

Tara sits at the big dining table, crying because they've put yellow day lilies on a plate for her, and hunger-crazy is like one more kind of crazy she can't afford right now. Franklin, of course, assumes something has been done and he needs to get all knight errant about it, but since it's just flowers for dinner he's reduced to hurling the plate at the wall and yelling at guards and generally acting like that. Being told she is sexy doesn't do much for old Tara right now, but it gets her to bat her eyes and pretend this is real. She tells Franklin they need to talk. "Don't say that. Women say that, everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts."

No fucking doubt. Tara realizes he's not really kidding and immediately goes for it, real romantic-like: Baby, no, no, it's okay. That's not where I'm going at all. Franklin, I'm into you. I mean, really into you." He blushes and scoffs and his dreams are coming true. "But if we're gonna be together, you have to remember that I'm alive. I have needs? Like food." He gets all twitchy and she smiles sexily: "No, baby, it's just a thing! I'll remind you."

By Jacob Clifton

He offers to take her somewhere "special" for dinner, which represents escape (and also food!) and when he explains that it's to Shoney's, her muttered "great..." comes through a frozen smile that doesn't move. Why the special dinner? Oh, no big deal: Just her last night as a human. "I'm gonna turn you! Will you be my VAMPIRE BRIDE?" Not even the fake smile can withstand the WTF of that. He puts his head down and kisses her hand and all her WTF faces from throughout the episode come together and form like a WTF Voltron and it's amazing. Rutina Wesley is the most hilarious person!

Talbot and Eric flirt about 16th c. Japanese vampire erotica and talk all around the sex they're going to be having in about a minute, and Talbot warns Eric that Russell is a collector of both things and people, and then Eric wanders over to a cabinet where there is a golden crown. He swallows, fake sexy smile faltering, as he picks it up. "Some random tribal crown, he must have a hundred of them. This one's... Scythian, I think?" But no, Eric knows better and now

(Because it's time for a Viking flashback with long blonde hair and Eric is a human Viking and his Dad is the Viking King or whatever but all Eric wants to do is fuck all the ladies, and his royal parents are indulgent but want him to grow up and take on some responsibility, and his parents are scandalized and Dad wants him to Simba up, but then all of a sudden everybody including his little sister gets killed by werewolves while Eric is in another room fingerbanging a wench. Dad's the last to fall, and Eric spots the Werewolf symbol on the one he kills, and then another one brings Dad's crown to somebody who is clearly Russell, who back in Viking times wore a giant black cloak that he swished around all the time like that mysterious serial killer on Passions)

...it's all weird because Eric's like, "I totally swore vengeance on you guys like back in Viking times," but Talbot is just sort of cross-eyed with horniness and not really paying attention so he wonders if they are going to do it or what.

Back at Alcide's, Sookie and Bill say each other's names a whole lot, and Bill tells Alcide to get Sookie out of Jackson without explaining a damn thing, which offends Sookie on many levels. Then before he can say anything, Coot busts in and invites some vampires, including the King, which means the King is there when Sookie electrocutes Cooter and he goes flying across the room, and then the King just stares delightedly, before laughing like it's a double rainbow. I'm so glad somebody finally understands how cool Sookie is without getting all teary-eyed about it.

By Jacob Clifton

Tonight: If I'm counting days right, Pam is due to die. Obviously that's not going to happen, which means that probably the Magister is not long for this mortal coil, which is sad in a different way. Russell's game is going to completely change now that he has Sookie, so one presumes that Eric will start working this shit in a whole new way to balance it out. God knows how Bill is going to deal with life, but that's true every week. Jason goes after poor Kitch again and continues to make out with Crystal, Eric is mean to Sookie Stackhouse, Jesus and Lafayette hopefully make out at least, Hotshot comes after him once again, and Tara is more than likely not going to become anybody's VAMPIRE BRIDE... Although Sophie-Anne just might.

Check out this interview with Joe Manganiello, a.k.a. Alcide on True Blood.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then read Bill Compton and other vampires' secret vamp diaries!

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