Love Is The Plan The Plan Is Death (1973)

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 06-13-2010 · S03E01

Suddenly Awesome Sookie: Spends the whole episode stomping around Louisiana demanding that people find her Bill, who went missing moments after proposing marriage. After a run-in with Pam, she realizes Jessica -- as Bill's vampire daughter -- can track him. She doesn't really do anything, but instead of that being annoying, it sort of makes her the most awesome person of the episode. She just yells! About this and that! At every other character in turn!

Suddenly Hot Bill: Has been kidnapped by V-addict weres for unknown reasons, before he finally takes them out and ends up alone and shirtless in Mississippi, where he has a heart-warming moment with an old lady-slash-lunch and gets into it with a bunch of wolves. He has never been hotter in the entire series, whether sweating out a violently homoerotic car-ride with some MMA werewolves or politely apologizing for eating an old lady.

Suddenly Superstar Pam: Has attacked her "regular player" status with relish, talking Eric down from weird Bill-related mood swings and carrying out Sophie Anne's secret drug-dealing scheme with equal élan. Best line of the night, actually, goes to Pam (via Sookie): "I'm in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam. Where's Beel?"

Suddenly Out-Of-Control Eric: Spends the majority of the episode showing off his backside and getting weirdly emotional about Bill's disappearance, more than likely reacting to his weird connection to Sookie but definitely freaking out Pam. By the time sexy Magister and loony Queen Sophie show up, he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, but by episode's end he's basically managed to get himself together. He's basically his usual fucking perfect self, but with an edge of hysteria that seems to be related to his drug-dealing scheme with Sophie Anne, but may well be due more to his Sookie thing.

Suddenly Impotent Jason: Takes his issues to the level, after trying to make Vampire Eddie and Steve Newlin be his daddy, and attaches to Andy Bellefleur like a duck to its mommy. Once Andy takes the credit for murdering Eggs and hotfoots it over to Jason's house to tell him to get back to bonin' hos and generally acting idiotic, he tries, but not even a threesome with two semi-cute NYU girls -- much less wingmanning with hot new roomie Hoyt Fortenberry -- can stop him from seeing bullet holes in everybody's heads. He's as adorably fucked-up as usual, but his newfound compassion and need to be a good man-father-husband type person can't help but fail with Andy as his role model -- no matter how much better a man Andy already is for it. Mostly it's just interesting to see him take his performance as the Stud Of Renard Parish, which has always been a performance, and actually be forced to make it a performance.

Same Exact Arlene & Terry: Arlene is fucking disgusting as usual, but pregnant with Terry's orgy baby, which is cute. Terry is nuts as usual, but finds the time to give some beautiful calming speeches that are neither helpful nor relevant. Obviously neither of them is capable of communicating in any real way, so this is all back-burnered. Second best line of the night, to Tara: "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right? But honestly, who here hasn't?" (Followed and preceded by her usual racist bullshit.)

Suddenly Semi-Psycho Jessica: Can't get her vampire ADD under control to process how scared she is at having probably killed a dude, her weird psychic screams from kidnapped Bill, her excitement that Sookie and Bill might be engaged, her romantic delight that Hoyt is trying to reconcile, or her disappointment and fear that her first attempt at not murdering somebody almost results in turning a man into a vampire.

Suddenly Interesting Sam: Has the hottest fucking morningwood dream about Bill you ever saw -- based on their own blood-bond -- before waking up to track down the Mickens family of his birth, starting with his liar of a little brother, who is no help at all.

Suddenly Suicidal Tara: Is doing okay, as long as she can believe that Eggs wasn't a serial killer. But once Sookie confirms that he was the heart-cutter-outer from last year -- and more importantly reminds Tara of the horrible violation she and Bill perpetrated on Tara last year* -- Tara goes insane. Lafayette finally calls her dumb mom, reactivating all his own mommy issues in the process, and Tara hangs around for her Jesus nonsense just long enough to sneak off and try to kill herself in his bathroom.

* Remember two years ago when we said killing the little demon girl was disgusting and a violation, and you didn't believe me, and eventually we got Maryanne? Last season, the only thing that offended me on that level was when Sookie and Bill psychic-glamoured Tara. So the fact that she pretty much tries to murder Sookie this episode for awakening Eggs's memories, coupled with multiple characters' monologues about how sometimes knowing the truth is the worst thing that can happen, tells me we'll be dealing with the fallout from that particular disgusting piece of business all season. Hopefully Tara will get the opportunity to punch both Bill and Sookie a few more times before it's resolved.

What's ? We'll find out why the werewolves kidnapped Bill, what Eric's plan was for him, what's actually going on in Mississippi, whether Sam's family is as horrible as they say, whether Lafayette can sell his huge amount of V in time to satisfy Pam, whether Jessica can take care of the human corpse in her house in time to reconcile with Hoyt, what's going on with Jason's penis now, and whether Sookie is ever going to calm the hell down. Thinking not -- but for the first time, that seems like a good thing. Even better thing? If Sam's sex dreams about Bill become a weekly feature.

Check out the sex and violence meter for this episode of True Blood.

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Just a second ago Sookie was in the bathroom of a French restaurant thinking about her options. Should she marry her dead boyfriend of less than two months, given that it was her first relationship of all time and I think illegal, or maybe give it some time until she got over the serial killer and Dionysian cult that had terrorized their town and killed her loved ones in the time that she'd known him? Screw it, she thought, and came running out to go for it. But, sadly, he'd been kidnapped by some No Homo werewolves wearing black gloves, and thus was not there waiting for her answer.

If you thought you'd heard Sookie say his name enough times for your whole entire life, prepare for a surprise, because this episode is basically just her saying " Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel! Beel!" at random intervals like a Speak 'N Spell covered in sweet tea. French hostess lady with her egregious accent is no help at all, and pretty much bored, as Sookie runs around the entirety of the beautiful outdoor patio area screaming at her, the sky, inanimate objects. Hostess is like, "Fucking vampires! Always with this shit." No help at all.

Bon Temps people: Sam's driving to Magnolia AR, to see his trashy family; while Jason is running around his house unable to finish a beer or even masturbate, so upset is he about shooting Eggs Talley through the head. Eggs's blood is still soaking through the sheet outside Merlotte's, and his girlfriend Tara is crying in her cousin Lafayette's arms.

Also tonight, Jessica broke up with her human boyfriend Hoyt over the little matter of her biting the shit out of his zombie momma and drinking her zombie blood. Hoyt realized almost immediately that dating a gorgeous dead person like Jessica is still healthier than what he'd been up to, and broke up with his momma. But it was too late, because Jessica was already going JT Leroy on some trucker trash outside of town, which is generally the best way to deal with a breakup, amiright ladies. Of course, she took it too far, and ended up near-killing the poor virgin-loving bastard, so now she's dragging his corpse up the steps to the Old Compton house. But, as Jessica's ADD is wont to do, she still takes a moment to bask in the glory of the bouquet Hoyt left on her doorstep.

Bill's in the car with the No Homos, and Sookie's calling for about the millionth time, so finally the incredibly hot Were that leads this band, Cooter, tosses the phone out the window. Bill is being all kinds of stoic, as usual, but with a higher difficulty rating due to the werewolves alternately stabbing him and silvering him and sucking his fabulous blood. "How about you just call us the Fuck You Crew?" suggests Coot, but I don't think that's very classy. Werewolves, as we shall soon see, are not very classy. But with this show, it's sort of a sliding scale: I'd still invite a werewolf to dine at my home before allowing, say, Arlene to darken my doorstep. Especially if that werewolf were Coot, because damn.

Officer Kenya, who is never really interested in your shit, is not that interested in Sookie's shit. Her suggestion is that Sookie was being a bitch by retiring to the WC to think about Bill's proposal, and that Bill was so emasculated by this behavior that he took off of his own accord. You'd think, as a mindreader, Sookie would have some kind of damn suavity but you'd be wrong: She's still just screaming over and over to the helpful policelady, "My boyfriend's been kidnapped!" It's hard for regular folks and cops to care about vampires, because vampires truly are just a world of shit once you get involved with them. Nobody is wrong about that. Forty-eight hours for a missing persons report, Sookie, no matter how hard you bitch. Also hilarious: The French hostess smoking a Gaulois in the background this entire time.

I can't think of a single situation so far that I wouldn't be calling Eric's ass the second it happened. He's the all-time Kalinda of the universe. These are not normal, house-related or romance-related problems. These are major I-have-effed-it problems, and those kind of problems you need fixed ASAP, dirty or clean. Even if he tells you he can't help, or to go fuck yourself, he would still somehow take care of it, just by you saying his name. You should just write that on your arm in case of amnesia: Call Eric, stupid.

Bon Temps: Arlene is giving Bud Dearborn her statement about Eggs's murder, while Andy shivers and shakes and jiggers at a nearby table. The reason he is so nervous is that he wasn't actually the killer of Eggs, but was the person dealing with Eggs's freakout when Jason shot him. Now that Andy and Jason are in a special kind of love, Andy knows he has to cover for him, so the story is that Andy was the shooter. But this involves lying to Bud and the whole world, and that makes Andy nervous, because as usual he's the only person who knows what the hell is going on.

Terry Bellefleur, Andy's cousin, sits down and as usual looks half-hot and half-demented, and gives him a sweet little speech as follows: "I know what you're going through. That first kill, it's got a way of making you feel like that's all you are. But you've got to know that you are still a man that is capable of goodness and of heartbreaking generosity of spirit. And if you can cling to that with everything you got, you're gonna be all right. I promise." Aw, heartbreaking generosity of spirit. True enough. Never thought we'd accuse one Bellefleur of that, much less both of them. They tell each other how much they love each other, because it's been that kind of night, and Terry goes, "From now on, let's tell each other that more."

By Jacob Clifton

What also makes this situation stressful is the fact that nobody actually knows what happened, even though they were all there, because the whole town was being Bacchae at the time. Andy remembers, because he is magic; Jason sort of remembers because his brain only sort of works; Tara only remembers because of what Sookie and Bill did to her brain; and that's about it. So all the testimony in the world is not going to help, first of all, and second of all everybody's going to be filling in the gaps for themselves because that's how you live:

Like right now, Arlene is giving a little speech about how she's sorry for blocking the investigation the time her boyfriend Rene was killing all the ladies that time, but that she has seen the light and -- even though she doesn't remember it -- her experience with going Crazy and joining a cult has caused her to reevaluate things: " I have the utmost respect for y'all, because without law enforcement, we would be nowhere as a society." If you think of her personality as now being strongly pulled one way because of this thing she doesn't even really know happened to her, you can see a lot of where she's going from here: There's a dark place of abandon that has affected her life, and she's going to flee toward the light forever, just to feel control.

Of course, Tara knows what's up, and can't see her way to understanding Arlene's memory loss, so she just thinks it sounds like "a goddamn beauty pageant" instead of Arlene fighting the hole in her brain and trying to pull herself together. Tara jumps up to yell at her, and Lafayette mutters the obligatory "Oh shit," and she's off. Basically, she's offended that Arlene is more interested in kissing Bud Dearborn's ass and telling her whole story of what happened -- which she's pretty much just inventing -- than giving weight to the murder. "The only man I ever loved was just zipped up in a bag, and you don't even have the decency to pretend you give a fuck!" Arlene, wounded: "I give a fuck..."

By Jacob Clifton

Aaaaand Tara's off, calling her trash and generally being a nuisance. Arlene, to be fair even though I hate her more than anybody in this entire series, tries to be cool: "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right? But honestly, who here hasn't?" Tara screams that Eggs didn't kill anybody, and Andy points out that he confessed, but Tara says that either way he wasn't responsible, because of being controlled by a demigoddess with a hard-on for hearts and meat statues. Questionable, but as far as the death of him, totally true. He shouldn't have died. I mean, it's okay that Sookie showed him what he did, but Andy should have just cuffed him, and would have except for Eggs brandishing the huge ceremonial dagger in his face the whole time.

Of course, nobody knows what Tara's talking about because they weren't actually there for that part, being zombies, so Arlene jumps to the conclusion. Which makes her a racist, which she already is, but also makes sense because there's no context for Tara's claim that he wasn't responsible for all the murders he did. "Oh, why? Because of society? Because of slavery?" Terry's like whoa and everybody jumps back, but Arlene has unleashed the beast, and Tara tries to eat her face off. Lafayette grabs his cousin and takes her to Sookie's house, grabbing a bottle of tequila on the way out. "I doubt that'd surprise any of y'all," he says, acknowledging both the racist subtext and the fact that clearly his cousin needs a bunch of tequila right now. "I hate when they make everything about race!" Arlene says to the room full of white folks, with a sort of gorgeous lack of self-inventory that manages to turn her semi-faultless assumption back into the exact racism Tara was just accusing her of.

Jessica's got the trucker on the Compton stairs, begging him to stay alive and completely unsure of how to fix him. (CALL. ERIC.) He's not looking too good, but Bill's so self-hating that he consciously refused to teach Jessica anything about situations like this. Sort of an abstinence-only proposition: Don't do it and you won't have to deal with it. Dude thinks the hospital's a pretty good idea, but there's no way Jessica's taking him there, so she's reduced to asking him pitifully to just like not die. "You're a fucking whore," dude gasps out, and she -- oh, this was so sad -- tearfully agrees. "I know. I know I am." Her dad when she was alive, her dad when she was dead, Hoyt's mom, her own lot lizard act tonight: Pretty much agreed across the jury. Oh, Jessica.

Dude is still not doing so well by the time Jessica gets back to him. In fact, I do believe he just died. And once again it's heartbreaking, Jessica's ignorance, as she last-resort chomps out her own wrist and holds it to a dead man's lips, thinking maybe this futile act will do the trick. There's a lot to be mined in Jessica's ignorance here, the way she interacts with the dead body: Trying to bring him back to life, eventually sleeping with him under the floorboards like a telltale heart, keeping him with her all alone, smelling him on her every second, letting him build back all those walls she's already broken down so many times since dying. She's a high school freshman with a hit and run; if she could dream she'd dream of him.

The werewolves are getting all kinds of horny and giggly and bi, sucking on Bill and tweaking their nipples and groaning creepily and generally acting like the worst kind of pornographic cinema film about fellas. "Pull over, Jimmy. I gotta get me a drag off of this fuck!" Finally Coot tells the one closest to Bill to spit some V in the guy up front's mouth, which... Teachable moment.

There is a genre, in the area of guys like this -- mean car mechanics, angry members of our armed forces, forest rangers with a grudge, that sort of thing -- where the dudes spit in each other's mouths as a sign of domination, like the slapping the ass thing, and it's been sort of spilling out into regular porn for awhile now and it's very yucky and hateful but it's real, so now you know one more thing that nobody needs to know. It just occurred to me that there are those with and those without this grody knowledge, and it makes the scene twice as much or half this way, depending. You'd still get it -- that this show is getting gayer by the second -- but you might not really get the extent of it: If this were a porno, there might well be spitting in the mouth. Just spit, not blood, although God knows.

Nipple-twister is like, "What? That's gay," and ever-pragmatic Coot (who is laughing his ass off, face covered in blood, and still just totally cute) points out, "And playing with your own titties in a car full of dudes ain't?" They do the spitting, everybody's turned on in a scary but sort of realistic way if you've ever been to the bloody shirtless all-boy orgy that happens to most dudes in college at least once, and Bill tries to start up a convo with him, as even covered in blood and laughing wildly and ordering people to do gay shit he is still clearly the only rational wolf in the pack. But Coot has no time for his business, because he's gotten blood all over his black kid gloves.

By Jacob Clifton

Bill stares at the gloves as Coot strips them off, either because he has just figured out that they were werewolves (which means werewolves on V, which is the worst thing that can happen in your life) because they can't touch silver either, or that now there's a glove in the car that he can use to get free of the silver, or both. Anyway, he points out that he's clearly being kidnapped, and that clearly this means somebody expects him alive and well on the other end of this little journey, and that they need to stop sucking on his blood because he is about to die. And then he thinks about gloves.

Jason is picking up the shards of something from his ongoing freakout, which at one point landed him in a sitting position in his refrigerator door, when Andy stealthily makes his way through a back window, because once you go Pretend Paramilitary you never go back, and it's the thing that makes them family. Jason's mostly worried about Tara, which leads to freakout part sixty or so, but Andy gets real intense on him. "Don't you freak out on me!" he orders, explaining for us the story that he's concocted about killing Eggs, and the holes in the story, like how the gun he killed Eggs with was somehow fired from twenty feet away. Jason's a good boy, he just wants to tell the truth, but Andy points out that they'll both go to jail, where pretty is not helpful.

And so you've got a lot of narrative complications, on a scene level as well as a season level, bursting out of that one idea -- that Bon Temps is more broken now than it was already, and everybody is scrambling toward denial even more than they were already, and those touched by the unseen are even more alone than they were already, because everybody else is circling their mental wagons and making mental casseroles for each other and pretending there's not a black hole in the middle of town where all their dignity and shame got shoved.

Or as Jason says, "I ain't even sure what normal is anymore." Andy suggests that, for Jason, getting tail is normal, so why not get some tail. Jason shivers, uttering his personal mantra -- "That's the old Jason, I wanna be New Jason" -- as usual, like a combination prayer and letter to Santa, and Andy just shakes his head. "When this thing blows over, you can go out and not get laid all you want to." Until then? "Conscience off, dick on, and everything's gonna be all right." He makes Jason say this new mantra with him several times, and it's adorable, and then he melts again into the shadows like a grunting awkward ninja: "I wasn't here tonight, Stackhouse."

Finally! Sookie drove from Bill's house to Shreveport, because I guess she just remembered that Eric is amazing. I mean, she's avoiding him because the last time she saw him -- and by that I mean every time she's ever seen him -- it got weird. Pam's working the door in a black PVC corset and looking amazing: "Now, I don't remember telling you lavender was my favorite color," she says regarding the pretty dress Bill got Sookie for their date. (On that note, her beautiful chignon is still intact and perfect, because while everybody else has been getting murdered and whatnot she's done nothing more strenuous tonight than stare at her reflection in a mirror and then run around screaming BEEEEEEEEL.)

"I'm in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam." Heh. There's something so professional and near-friendly about this, like, "We can do this later, but not right now" that is completely and utterly charming. Pam thinks that's great too, and of course has no idea what's up with Bill, and then tries not very hard at all to keep Sookie from heading down into Eric's dungeon, where nothing good ever happens. "Sookie, stop. Don't. Come back," she deadpans, as Sookie comes running down ("WHERE'S BEEL?") and comes upon Eric jackhammering some tied-up ho. They had this jackrabbit sex in the first season, that time Liam gave Jason the unfortunate hard-on in the porno with Maude, and I still don't see the attraction. It just looks incredibly irritating. "What you're doing? Fucking stop it. That's not sex, it's just being rude."

Eric swings his giant wang around to wobble at Sookie, who is needless to say stuck to the ground and staring. Pam straightfacedly claims that Sookie overpowered her, talks a big game about also wanting to fuck this lady, and he tells her to get lost before introducing the new dancer, Yvetta (from Estonia) to Sookie (from "here"). She's pretty nondescript, but they spend so much time on her being a person with a name that I'm sure she's a spy or something. Maybe a shifter? Whatever she is, get ready to see her ass and tits almost as much as the Louisiana scenery.

Sookie accuses Eric of... Something, his ass is in the way of paying attention to this scene, but I presume it's related to Bill's abduction. Which is kind of confusing, because obviously it was not Eric that did that, but then he acts like he was planning on kidnapping Bill anyway, which is quite a coincidence even for this show. I dunno. Eric is charmed by Sookie's singleminded Sookieness, as usual, but his alibi is that he's been drilling Yvetta this whole time, and then makes a joke about how Bill's stamina must not be up to snuff.

It's charming because Eric is charming -- would you look at that face on him? -- but if you really think about what that means, again: Who wants that? Not even Eric should be doing that to you. If you honestly can go more than five minutes with that thing coming at you in a blur, what are you doing in Louisiana when clearly you've been happy to this point in the sunny San Fernando Valley? Anyway, on Sookie's list is Lorena, which is a good guess, although Eric points out that Sookie and Lorena don't get along so well. He doesn't mention, as I would, that this is mostly because Sookie acts totally stupid and classless whenever Lorena's around, but whatever. The best thing about being gay is never having to deal with ex-girlfriend weirdness, because that is a motherfucking whirlwind.

He offers to contact Lorena instead, and furthermore to locate him, as the Sherriff of Area Five. "Even if I do want what is his," he says, trailing his eyes up and down Sookie's body for the majority of all time. Finally satisfied that yet one more person is doing her bidding tonight, Sookie scampers back up the stairs, reminding him about the ten grand he owes her for finding Godric. (Not to mention taking his place at Godric's suicide, which I believe is when his thing for her went into overdrive and stopped being about creepiness and blood-bonding.)

By Jacob Clifton

The wolves are sort of just rubbing their boners through their jeans at this point, and one of them is on top of the car with a flag waving in the air, and then Bill makes his move, swerving the car and knocking everybody out before snatching Coot's gloves and freeing himself from the silver and the flipped-over car. Bill, covered in blood, looks very nice. He wakes up Jessica with a mental call that makes her jerk awake in the hidey-hole, and then the smell of her dead bedmate makes her almost barf. Still dead.

By Jacob Clifton

Lafayette's got Tara on Sookie's couch, pumping her full of tequila and Klonopin -- "It'll keep them thoughts away till you is more equipped to deal with them" -- when Sookie gets home. She runs into Tara's arms, and immediately gets the sad news about Eggs's murder. Tara wonders aloud how Eggs even knew he was a serial killer, since the rest of them forgot, and Sookie swallows before explaining about the visit Eggs paid her. Tara is grossed out, I mean demonically enraged amounts of pissed, but it's my belief that this is still about what Bill and Sookie did when they double-teamed Tara's own brain. It still does not sit right with me, and it's my belief that we'll all be paying for that one for a long, long time.

Tara eventually lunges, tequila-soaked, and throws Sookie onto the floor of her house, climbing on top of her and screaming about her singing Eggs's death warrant. It is an ugly scene, one in a series, and once Lafayette pulls her off -- "That's Sookie, she's your best friend in this whole fucking world?" -- Sookie says that meanwhile, Bill's been kidnapped, and therefore they are in the same boat. I'm not sure what possessed her to say that, but it's classic Sookie. Tara reiterates her main point -- "He didn't need to know!" -- which I think also reiterates mine, which is that at least Eggs had a choice. Sookie tells Lafayette to get her out of there, and they take off.

Eric paces the dungeon with Pam by his side -- wearing a short robe and flip-flops and track pants, which is always a good look for him, given the attention it calls to what we call the Fight Club muscle group, just atop the hip bone -- yelling at a Mr. Rubin about some shit on his regrettable bluetooth. Essentially, he wanted Bill brought to Fangtasia! (specifically acting as Sherriff, note, so not really kidnapped per se) but instead he was gone when they got the French place. Eric melts down way more than we've ever seen him melt down, to the point where Pam utters his name warningly several times, and finally he wraps up by telling this Rubin to find a day person to get it done, or he'll be killed.

"You're losing it," Pam offers, and he gets snippy with her. He really is out of control, even for a normal person but absolutely for His Iciness. My theory is that this is because Sookie is flipping out and he can feel it, although the V-selling is another compelling reason for him to be scared of fucking this up. Pam suggests he call the Queen immediately, since Bill is her special person and also knows about the V scheme she's running, and furthermore points out that it's not just Eric's ass. He refuses to call Sophie-Anne, and Pam's like, "Fuck it, I'm going to ground." No! We just got you back and as a regular! We have all the time in the world for lesbian weirdness, Pam! Don't go!

Hoyt's processing his momma breakup with Jason, but Jason thinks that "Big Maxine" might have been right to lie all these years about Hoyt's suicidal daddy. Hoyt is none too impressed with this, and points out that until the lie was revealed he was her personal property -- well, hers and Jason's -- and had no personhood to speak of. But Jason's not so sure: "That sounds like the same religious dogmuck Steve Newlin was trying to sell me on. I'm starting to think the truth, it's poison... People are always trying to fuck up other people's lives by telling lies about them. You want to really fuck somebody's life up? Tell the truth about them. They ain't never gonna be the same." I suppose being the only person in Bon Temps capable of grasping ambiguity -- or if not "grasping" exactly, still and always "holding dimly and softly" -- does have its downside.

Hoyt segues from this to discussion of how his life is ruined and the final indignity of his homelessness. Jason is carelessly sympathetic but not really listening, so Hoyt has to mention this last several times before finally impatiently yelling, "Jason. Can I crash at your place for a little while or not?" Jason is of course happy to have him, although a bit put off by his tone.

Stupid Lettie Mae comes to Lafayette's to see her daughter, and he tells her to keep quiet while Tara's sleeping. "This ain't about you and me building a bridge into our future together, all right? You shot a gun at me." Good points, all. Basically, he already missed his road crew job and needs to hit Merlotte's to earn his money, so he doesn't have time to discuss it beyond telling Lettie Mae that the only reason he called her is because Tara was asking for her.

Which I wouldn't have told her, personally, because it makes this all about her once again, but it's nice to see her face light up. I mean, Lettie Mae can go fuck herself generally, but in the specific I feel pretty sympathetic toward her. She's got a darkness specific to their family, and she's also trying her damnedest to get around the fact that she's mostly broken. Just like everybody else. She loves her daughter, she doesn't beat her anymore, and Lafayette's got his own issues with moms: Three things that make both of them pretty okay in my book, and for both kids' sake, at least, Lettie Mae can go fuck herself.

She's all, "In times of trouble a mama's the only person her baby can turn to," which Lafayette knows is not true in any way, especially in their family, and "Thank you God for this opportunity to heal my baby," which offends him on a whole over level: "None of that. Do everybody a solid and instead of looking up you need to keep your eyes on your fucking daughter." Because, note, "She ain't right to be alone." If Lafayette tells you somebody's on the brink, you fucking pay attention, because even if he's not a Guide anymore, the brink is still where he lives. He says he'll be home by midnight, and she apologizes for shooting at him that time, and he tells her once more to suck it as he's driving off.

By Jacob Clifton

Lettie Mae's got Reverend Daniels up in Tara's drugged-out ass before Lafayette is even at work, this whole spiel about how social workers from hell introduce you to boyfriends from hell and the pits of hell and how all of this hell business was just about, apparently, God's plan to lead Tara back to Lettie Mae. "Ain't nobody ever gonna get to you again, baby girl. It's just you and me now." Tara's like, "As soon as I sober up, I'm going to commit suicide. It absolutely cannot be Tara Mae and Lettie Mae, ever again, because that means the last two seasons of this show didn't happen, Miss Jeanette and Maryann and Eggs, and I will once again have lost all that ground I gained, and all the pain was worth nothing. Whatever is more dead than stasis and sadder than getting fired every week, that is what you are talking about, and the one person who could have saved me is gone, and the one girl who calls me family, I strangled her last night."

Time to wake up! Bill crawls out of his makeshift grave, while Jessica wakes up to her dead man, who is stinking up the place and never had a chance of being reborn. The phone rings, but it's not Bill: It's Hoyt! Who is tremble-voiced and so romantic that she pauses, blood smeared across her face, to admit that she misses him too. He starts babbling about his new, shorter haircut -- "I actually think I look kind of badass" -- so cutely and falling-over-himself that he doesn't even hear her apologize or hang up: Just the line going dead. Jessica holds his flowers close, and stares down at her body, and tries to be wise. Oh, Hoyt. Oh, Jessica. Oh, love.

Eric's on his throne, paying the bills, when quests arrive. Magister! In the company of Queen Sophie-Anne, making a call at Fangtasia! and seeing Eric for the first time since the Compton trial for killing Longshadow. Eric shows them proper deference, and when they tell him to shut down the place for the night, he offers to take them to his office. Sophie-Anne grins and admits that the office is bugged, by herself, but puts a shine on it: "It's how I know I can trust you!" Like she bugged his office as a fun experiment in proving his strength of character. Like Pam before her, the Queen takes a shine to Yvetta (WHY?), saying she can stay even after throwing everybody else out. The Magister says even Yvetta has to go.

From Eric's throne: "Trouble abounds in your fair state," the Magister explains. "It would seem your idyllic little home is competing to become the V capital of the world." The Queen acts like she's totally about to like barf about that, and they play a funny little game of acting/not-acting as they discuss the horror of draining. "Our blood is sacred. Wasting it on anything other than procreation is blasphemy," says the Magister, and Sophie-Anne waves one delicate hand perfectly: "Madness." Eric gets in on it: "Desecration." So they all agree it's bad. I like the idea of them having fun with this, but also I think it makes sense: Old-school vamps like the Magister actually do act this ridiculous, they think it's normal, so of course acting like a pompous ass is exactly what they should do. Still, it's weird to watch.

By Jacob Clifton

The kid at the tire shop, who is clearly Sam's brother Tommy Mickens, lies and says he is actually a Tommy Harmon, and that all he knows is that Tommy Mickens is an asshole and has been gone for six or seven months. Sam knows this is a lie thanks to Audrey, but doesn't push it. "A real piece of shit if you ask me," Tommy says, presaging emotional issues and self-esteem drama to come, and Sam's like, "Um, sounds like the Mickenses are overall really shitty people." When even a lady who cleaned out the entire house and left town on her fifteen-year-old adopted son is like, "Do not go find those shitheads," maybe you should pay attention. But Sam is not convinced this beehive should go unpoked.

By Jacob Clifton

Eric hasn't noticed the V rate rising, either in his Area or his club, which the Magister finds weird because the other Sherriffs definitely have, and in fact only a vampire could be supplying this amount, or else vampires would be missing left and right. And since Eric can proudly say that no new vamps have gone missing in his Area -- since when, probably since Malcolm's nest -- he must accede. God, I love the Magister. This actor, he just kills me. How can you be that hot when you are one hundred and eighty-five actual years old? Anyway, the Queen is just incensed and hilarious and Eric's sort of gulpy and funny the whole time, and finally the Magister is at least satisfied enough to pretend to be satisfied.

I'm still curious as to what this whole scheme is about, although if it's the Queen herself, I wonder if it means she's trying to raise and bond with an army of human addicts? Because we do know that her particular Thing is mental communication with her vampire children, right? So maybe her blood-bond would be more active as well? I realize that's taking a lot on faith and basically assembling the idea from not too much info, but there's a lot we still don't know about how this shit works, and it seems like the kind of thing that would get her off. I'm not talking a Maryann-level possession, just a way of being in contact with the richest and most desperate people in the Queendom -- Remember Pussylover, in Texas? -- and being able to affect their moods and maybe decisions. That sounds useful, right?

"Is it just me, or is he really dull? I mean, isn't moral anarchy kind of the point? I can't think of anything more depressing than living by the law, forever." Eric can't get a word in edgewise, but she knows damn well she's talking over him until she feels like stopping: "Your Highness. Forgive me, but I don't feel the same sense of relief you do." Because obviously he didn't believe them for a hot minute, because they were acting like the commedia dell'arte and practically pulling out marionettes for his benefit.

Therefore, Eric needs to sell "everything [he has] as soon as possible." (Which confused some of us, but it soon becomes clear she's talking about drugs, not assets.) He needs to get rid of the blood as quickly as possible, to clear the decks but also to solve her problem, which it turns out is "the pigs at the IRS" are "breathing down [her] neck." I still wonder if that's the whole point, although I would kind of love it if it were: "Damn, I need some money fast! If only I produced out of my own body a powerfully addictive drug that would earn me tons of profit and is also a renewable resource... Wait, I just got the best idea. Genius. You guys, oh my God! Listen to this you guys!" Sophie-Anne tells him to sell it half-price if he has to -- which lends credence to my theory as well -- but whatever, just finish up and cover their tracks. Eric offers that she has not considered all the angles, and that's when the boners start flying.

She shrieks, huge fangs out, and shoves his ass against a pillar, one tiny hand on his neck like a vise and the other heading for his nuts. For a second she's a wild beast, it's actually authentically super scary. (I'm still not convinced this isn't one of those Mira Sorvino performances that's so brilliant it sucks -- because even speaking as a huge long-time fan I can admit ERW is into those this decade -- but this part ruled.) "All due respect, Mr. Northman, I'm due a lot more respect than that. And I'm sorry to compromise your manhood like this, but hell hath no fury like a vampire queen broke." (Dumb line, helped not one bit by the Queen's fangs and general preoccupation with her own acting, but she's a character, this one.) "Move the blood," she says, and finally lets go of his junk, dropping to the floor with another high gasp.

He hisses at her, but eventually puts 'em away, and finally tells her about Bill's vanishment, even though you can tell he really doesn't feel like it. Surprisingly, the Queen could give a shit about that, even after he reminds her that Bill knows about the scheme, and she finally just takes off, bored: "Let him rot." About this, I have no idea. And until this episode, I would have said the same, but he's just so fucking awesome this entire episode that I can't anymore.

I mean, the deal you make with this show is that it's mostly awesome fun people -- or Tara -- and then there's Bill & Sookie constantly running around in nightgowns and taking baths together with cello music and acting super queer. It's lovable because of how dorky they both are and how into each other they are and how it makes them act completely stupid at all times. But with them being separate, yes, they're still only thinking about each other, but it also means Sookie has just had it and wants to yell at everybody and call them racist, which is awesome, and Bill's running around with his shirt off taking werewolves the fuck out and having dream sex with Sam Merlotte and all. They're still them, but their weaknesses are sort of strengths, speaking as a viewer, when they're apart. Watching Bill be a considerate southern gentleman is a lot more fun when he's doing it to somebody else. Watching Sookie be irrepressible and headstrong is a lot less horrible when it's not with Bill, because you don't get the feeling she's just doing it so he'll spank her: You get the feeling she's doing it because she's sort of a bitch, which is awesome. You know what I mean at all?

Sookie's on the phone with Isabel, who is the second person I would call after Eric, when Pam shows up looking a million in a cute red twinset. Invited in for the first time, she offers a unique perspective: "Now, why'd you have to go and kill that maenad? She's a terrific decorator." I couldn't agree more, because I love the ivy-covered dinginess of the house which is why I forgot to mention it until now: She just died like two nights ago and Sookie's been running around the entire state and thus has not cleaned it out yet. Pam hands her a check for a good deal more than the agreed-upon ten grand -- "for going above and beyond" -- but Sookie is still in no mood for vampire weirdness. All of a sudden, a big hit of vampire weirdness as Pam goes all rigor-mortisy for a second: Eric's calling her to him, with a shiver and a shake. And if Eric can do that, then Bill probably called his daughter -- and she might not even know it.

Terry finds Arlene flipping out in Sam's office, and asks if she wants to go out after work, as discussed. She wriggles weirdly for a second and then shoots past him into the restaurant: "I don't know Terry I have to focus on my kids!" she screams hysterically, and Terry just shakes his head. "Peculiar."

on Pam's rounds: Telling Lafayette about the half-off sale, and dropping off a prodigious amount of vials. Lafayette's not convinced, because of the high-priced cache, that this will work. "Hooker, look: I can't sell all this shit by tomorrow. I got a cousin in trouble..." Pam zooms across the room, shoving him over a cart. "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember, I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long time, long time ago." Terrified, he shivers. "Yeah? You picking up what I'm putting dooooown?" Oh, he is. And Pam, she'll be back tomorrow night for the cash.

As Bill sexily makes his shirtless way over a ridge toward a quiet country house, Jessica's once again indicating that Sookie might do the courtesy of calling before she shows up in her house, but you know Sookie doesn't roll like that. "Has Bill called you?" Again, no, but she doesn't mean it that way. Sookie shares her story of Pam's wiggling a minute ago, and Jessica's like, Shivering? Yes. I had that thing. "It came over me like a wave, and it made me feel sick too, just like that time I drank kahlúa." Sookie tells her this is not about her underaged drinking but in fact about Bill Bill Bill Bill. Upon reflection, Jessica realizes there was a location involved in the call, and Sookie adorably drags her out to the car to go find it, after noting the smell of Jessica's dead fella, with whom once again Jessica isn't going to have time to deal tonight.

Bill shows up at a strange house badly in need of assistance, but instead of half-naked perfect-looking Sam, it's some old lady he's begging. She thinks he's her son Stanley, and offers to make him a sandwich because -- as he agrees -- he must be starving. He's had a hell of a couple days, I'll give him that. He asks to use the phone, and she's barely explained that she chose her crochet-covered O2 tank over a phone line before he's on her.

Lettie Mae tries to hump poor Reverend Daniels on his way out of Lafayette's house, but luckily he gets away and heads for the door. Crazy awkward, that little moment. The second Tara's thanked him for coming over and droning on, she's asking to take a shower while Momma's distracted. Needless to say, she should not be alone, but Lettie Mae's convinced Jesus has once again done the trick: "Of course, baby. Wash it all away." Finally alone, Tara turns on the shower and sits down to think long and hard about killing herself rather than going back out there to her untenable life. It doesn't seem particularly untenable or unrealistic, if you think about it. There is not a lot of good shit going on for her right now, which is a lot to say by comparison to how shitty her life just naturally is.

Sam follows Tommy home that night, checking the mailbox once he's safely in the house and confirming they are, in fact, the Mickens family. Get on out of there, Sam. Nothing good ever happens in Arkansas.

Jason is having a very unsatisfying blowjob from one of the girls, but can't really concentrate because of the giant bullet hole he keeps hallucinating in her forehead. He takes off his shirt and tries to rally. "Let's just power through this." He offers to start on her, but after a second her friend shows up. "Hoyt's so hung up on his ex he won't even watch me play with myself." The girls giggle -- "I can't believe I'm doing this again!" -- but once again there is a blowjob problem. The two of them discuss it, hilariously, like roommates trying to figure out what's wrong with the dishwasher -- "This is what I've been dealing with for the last half-hour" -- and Jason offers to just watch them do each other. Because they have no respect for themselves, they give it a try, and finally he just comes clean: "It's not you, it's just... Every time I look at you, I keep seeing these big old bullet holes in your heads." Worst. Threesome. Ever.

By Jacob Clifton

Needless to say, they bounce with a quickness, and you can hear sweet Hoyt in the living room -- "Y'all leaving? It was real nice meeting y'all!" -- while Jason looks down at his dick and once more suffers existentially.

While the howling wolves come closer in the night, Bill glamours the old lady, Olivia, and tells her to forget all of this biting business. Where is he? "In my house." Another question and he realizes he's in Mississippi: Across state lines, which is to say, in another Kingdom entirely. Bill produces a wad of cash, telling glamoured Olivia that it's from Stanley, who came to visit. It's incredibly sweet, and he caresses her cheek softly with a smile before leaving. Like I'm so sure he would have just killed her, but I love this little premiere-episode reminder of what Bill is actually about.

Meanwhile in Bon Temps, Lafayette comes home looking for Tara. Lettie Mae, reading Men's Health, is none too interested -- thanks to Reverend Daniels solving all the problems with homilies -- and just sort of waves vaguely toward the bathroom. Needless to say, Tara's in there gulping pills, so he gets to pounding on the door.

By Jacob Clifton

Jessica feels the spot and pulls over: I guess the wolves were driving Bill's car? So does that mean everybody's in Mississippi right now? "I am a freak of fucking nature," Jessica mutters, but then Sookie is getting super hilarious and hardcore at the accident. There's this certain madness tinge her voice gets sometimes where it's like she's six feet tall: "There's a body in here, but it's not Bill!" Something about the way she says it is so funny, like she's lifting the car up over her head as she says it.

She calls Jessica over to pull the body out with her vampire strength, and they start checking the body for, as Sookie says intensely, "Anything that might tell us who this fucker is!" Nothing of the sort, but there is a rune burnt into his neck, sort of a Z with a slash through it. Jessica pulls up a listing of, um, neck runes -- There's an app for that! -- and finds a reference to, sic, "Operation Werwolf." Sookie shivers as elsewhere, the wolves surround Bill. "I should warn you," he grunts manfully. "I've fed." And that's when the boners start flying.

week: The King of Mississippi, more Coot, the horrible Mickenses, crazy moms of everybody, Jessica's situation worsens while Bill's weirdens, and Sookie yells at some people, probably.

Check out this interview with Joe Manganiello, a.k.a. Alcide on True Blood.

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