Miami: Miami Place

Shout-outs to Vel and Siege Perilous; props to avocato.

MPDP sashays slowly toward the camera wearing jeans and a sleeveless brown t-shirt. They're in Miami. Heat-related clichs, and then we cut to the HOs playing pinball. There's a younger couple, John and Veronica, and a somewhat older couple, Gerald and Ann. Gerald obviously borrowed one of Frank's shirts for this scene. It's orange and yellow and white with a busy black line image all over it. John and Veronica want their living room redone. Gerald and Ann want their very big family room redecorated. (All the homeowners are African-American. I mention it only because it's still relatively unusual on this show.)

Ty comes skateboarding down a sidewalk, past Hildi and Laurie at an outdoor caf, and manages to stop and turn around without completely wiping out. Well, I should talk. I'm sure he's better at it than I am. We see John and Veronica's living room, which is one of those awkward rooms designed to suit the needs of the builder more than the needs of the inhabitants. It's a long narrow room, which makes an L-shape with the kitchen to it. The tile of the hallway veers to the right and cuts into the room as it separates the living room from the kitchen, making it even harder to arrange furniture because of the wonky flooring. There's a small, round, bright yellow hunk of countertop that is jutting out of the kitchen. Geez, that's not too hard to work with. It's really great the way it just sticks out into the living room like...like...like a big slab of bright yellow countertop. Yeah, I got no simile here at all. The walls (painted panelling) and carpet are beige. There's a smooshy-looking shell pink leather sofa at the back of the room. A few feet in front of that -- and I do mean "in front" -- is a somewhat less smooshy-looking black leather chair. On the left-hand side of the room as you face in from the hallway, there's a black futon on a black tubular frame, in front of the window. At the far end of the room is an entertainment unit containing a fairly big TV. The unit is to a doorway where the hall continues. They've got the usual ceiling fan. Is it just me, or is this yet another example of really poor design? The traffic pattern goes right through the room in a way that makes it even more difficult than it already is to arrange furniture. You can't put anything along the wall to the right, either, since there are two other doors there. It's just a terrible layout.

John and Veronica say they need a lot of help. They know it's a very mismatched, haphazard room and they want it to look nice and more coherent. There are shots of eagle and angel pictures and gewgaws; Veronica says that they already have an eagle theme (an eagle theme?), but that they don't have a colour scheme. Veronica says they would be very upset if they came back to dark walls. John agrees: dark walls are the #1 no-no. Veronica also doesn't want "pastel bright colours." John cites pink and mint green as yucky colours. Veronica says it has to blend well with the kitchen. So...yellow and white? Orange, maybe? I think I have just the designer for you, guys. It's a long shot, but I think we can convince her to work with those colours. Veronica wants something comfortable and not too stuffy, but nice.

Gerald and Ann have a very big family room which doubles as a classroom for their homeschooled kids. It's a rectangular room with white walls and ceiling and a grey rug that covers about two-thirds of what I think is a concrete floor. It's filled with all kinds of bookshelves, storage units, little tables, various types of chairs, a sofa, a desk with computer, an easel with a small chalkboard on it, a pinball machine, an arcade game, and an exercise machine. That's what I can make out of the clutter. There's still more. There are French doors at one end of the room. One wall of windows is covered with vertical blinds; the windows on the other side have white lace curtains. There's also a sort of window (with crossbars, not just a passthrough) between this room and the kitchen, which has a shallow ledge on it on the family room side that is maybe supposed to be some kind of little breakfast bar? I don't know. Ann says that the room is not very conducive to adults relaxing in it anymore because the kids have taken it over. She would like to see lots of storage and wall units to try to control the clutter. Gerald wants to have to wear sunglasses when he comes back into the room. Be careful what you wish for. Ann says Hildi was not her first choice; in fact, she was her last choice. "I think she already understands that we don't want anything on the walls except paint." Ann, you had me at "Hello." I wonder how, exactly, she got that across to Hildi.

Key swap. The guys bust out cans of Silly String.

John and Veronica run into their neighbours' house, which is white brick with pink shutters, doors, mailbox, and porch. I'm sure that's quite mundane for Florida, but where I come from, that'd get your kids beat up. Regularly. Veronica and John find Hildi watching Ty taking some kind of laminate off the wall beneath the long stretch of windows. Behind the laminate (which is not a wall surface, people...please stop doing that. I can't believe the crappy excuses for repairs and interior decorating Frink and I are seeing on our househunting trips), the wall is severely water-damaged. While Ty rips off the laminate and investigates the extent of water damage, Hildi hugs her HOs and asks them what they want to do in the room. Veronica says they need window treatments, storage, and better organization. John wants bright colours. Hildi says she really wants to organize the room and divide it in a functional way. She says Gerald and Ann are getting a new floor and some kind of "fun, circular treatment" on the walls. Okay. She makes it clear that they all have two very long days ahead of them. They start clearing the room. My God, it'll take the better part of two days just to unload this room.

Ann and Gerald find Laurie puzzling over the "plethora" of eagles. You just know those birds are Kentucky Fried Tchotchkes under Laurie's management. Laurie looks great, by the way -- very fit in slim black pants and an off-the-shoulder black top. Mind you, she looks more like she's going on a date than renovating, but you know...practicality, shmacticality. She doesn't paint if she can help it, anyway. Ann says the room needs some colour. Laurie agrees. Gerald says Veronica and John are a young couple, and very conservative. He waves a finger at Laurie, saying they don't want a lot of pastel colours. Dude, that's not Frank you're talking to. Unless they hate orange and yellow, you have no worries. Laurie says one of the most pressing problems in the room is the lack of any seating arrangement. They're going to fix that. I can't wait to see how. I'm having trouble imagining any kind of workable arrangement for this room with this furniture. She says they're going to conceal the "mammoth-size" TV -- which is big, but it's just average for this show. There have been several TVs much larger than that. Gerald's all, "Not the TV...not the TV." They're changing the window treatments, the walls, the ceiling, the floor, and the lighting. They clear the room.

Ty calls Hildi over to the damaged wall, telling her it's a serious situation. He's ripped out a large chunk of it, which was falling apart anyway, and wants her to see what's going on. Hildi comes over, as does MPDP -- looking genuinely alarmed. MPDP asks Ty, "Did you do this? This is water!" Ty: "Yeah, yeah, I did, I've been secretly injecting water into the..." MPDP explains she thought he was only removing the laminate. Yes, but that's uncovered this horrible mess that was never properly repaired. What are they supposed to do, tack the laminate back up? Gotta fix it. Ty explains he's got to put some new strips of wood in behind there so that he's got something to nail stuff to, and then put new drywall up there. Ty thinks that's their best bet. He says he can't just put luaun up there and try to hide it. Wait, isn't this Trading Spaces? He's going to try to repair it. And suddenly I'm recapping This Old House. Actually, I think he's doing the right thing. No, it shouldn't have been their responsibility, but what option do they have? MPDP's face is all furrowed up in her best imitation of 24's Kate: you can tell her brain is going "Time! Money! Disaster! Aaauugh! Who can I trust?" If only Kiefer would kick the door in and save them all from the horrors of half-assed home repairs. Mmm, Kiefer...

Oh, all right. Laurie's going to reveal her colour scheme. You'd really rather hear about this than Kiefer Sutherland? No, me neither, but I have a job to do. And it's not Gustave's. Laurie performs a "magic trick" and, having balled up a piece of fabric in her palms, tosses it in the air where it lands in front of her team with a resounding "whatever." They say they like it. Gerald doesn't think John will. Ann assures Laurie that John will like it. It's a square of soft yellow fabric with a pattern of randomly placed squarish shapes of a brownish orange and sagey green. It's got that retro vibe going on that Laurie loves. I've never seen anyone ferret out so many different fabrics incorporating yellow/orange/green/brown in my life. I would have thought she's used every last one ever woven by now. She must have a time machine. Honestly, I like Laurie's work, for the most part, I like Laurie, and I generally like those colours -- especially the greens (my living room furniture, one bathroom, one hallway, and Frink's office are all various shades of light olive-y or grey-greens) but give it a rest, already. The people who don't like that colour range are going insane and those of us who do are getting pretty tired of it. Laurie says she knows that John and Veronica love earth tones, but that she's trying to bring some colour into the room. She claims they're going to make it really tone-on-tone so it will appear neutral. Hmm. We'll see about that.

The bumper to the commercial is Ty wiping out on the skateboard.

Laurie reveals her paint: if you don't know that it's yellow, you must be new. Welcome to Trading Spaces! So in the can, it's a soft, slightly warm-looking buttery yellow. She describes it as a "happy, soft yellow," and mentions that the adjacent room has yellows and golds in it. Ann says it sounds like Laurie's really trying to sell them on the colour. Ann is one of those no-nonsense women who sees right through BS, you can tell. The thing is, as much as almost everyone is tired of Laurie's colour palette, with the living room open to the kitchen, and that happy-face-yellow counter sticking into the room (which I just want to take a circular saw to) Laurie doesn't have as many options here as she would otherwise. So technically, she should get a pass on this one. But I'm going to bitch about it anyway. Welcome to Television Without Pity! Seriously, Laurie could have done a yellow and blue scheme. Or yellow, blue and green. Or yellow and red. Or any of a number of things that would have been a slight variation on the usual. Laurie says she's trying to make it flow, and that she doesn't think their neighbours are the type to want their rooms to go from one colour to another, to another. Gerald: "Like us." Ann cracks up. Laurie says that's fine, but that John and Veronica want something neutral and subtle. Ann: "But did you also hear them say that they hate pastel?" Hee. But I don't think that colour is really pastel. It's not quite pale and sweet enough for that, and I think it will go on darker. I don't think it's going to look right with the countertop colour, though.

Back to Operation Karmic Debt. Ty is still ripping the damaged drywall away. Hildi wonders, "We don't have asbestos here, do we?" Well, if they did, it would be way too late to worry about it, with the way Ty's breaking up the wall and the chunks and particles of everything all over. That's the sort of thing best ascertained before demolition takes place. There's a shot of various ants and bugs running around like crazy in and out of the wall, having been disturbed by Ty's efforts. (Any other Latinophiles out there deriving amusement from the idea of ants emerging from behind the Formica? Just me? Okay.) Hildi adds, "Just these little friends of yours from underground?" Ty: "My little subterranean friends?" He assures her that's all they're running into.

Laurie's got another can of paint. If it's not orange, green, brown, or cream, I will eat my stapler. (It's a big ergonomic sucker, too.) Laurie reveals a can of pumpkin-y paint that she says matches the sofa fabric. My stapler exhales a sigh of relief. Ann gasps. She loves it. Laurie says she's calling it -- "just to have fun with paint colour names" -- a kind of "acorn colour." She says that along with cream, those are their two colours. Blah blah, tone on tone. I really should just see if I can lift whole paragraphs out of recaps. Laurie claims that, "at the end of the day, it's going to come back and look neutral." You know, I'm sure it'll be very nice and all, but I don't think it's going to be all that neutral. Ain't nobody buying that.

Hildi's scraping at the floor in front of the excavated wall, and commenting that this repair job is almost beyond the call of duty. I'm really glad she said "almost." Nobody has wreaked more architectural havoc on this show than Hildi. She tells her team that it's really going to set them back: "But don't tell Paige yet." Yeah, I'm pretty sure MPDP has no idea. She's just that dumb. John agrees not to say anything. Ty agrees with Hildi that he doesn't need MPDP on his back all day long.

Ann and Gerald paint the walls. The yellow paint's looking more cool-toned on the wall than it did in the can. MPDP wanders in and asks if there's any paint on the tarp where Ann is standing, gesturing gently to get Ann to move aside. Ann says there isn't. MPDP drops dramatically to the ground and lolls there with her hands on her face. She says, "Oh my God, Gerald and Ann. It is a really good thing that you guys are really nice people." Ann tells Gerald she told him. MPDP wails and moans on the floor as Ann says, "Don't tell us, don't tell us!" To Gerald: "See, this is not even funny anymore." MPDP gets up. Ann says to no one in particular that it's all good and that MPDP must just be joking. MPDP: "Have you seen the wall by the window?" Ann hollers and points: "Gerald did that!" Isn't this sort of violating the rule about telling the HOs what's going on at their place?

Ty's ripped out all the damaged drywall and is explaining to Hildi how he plans to repair it. She asks him to get her another day while he's out buying drywall. She and her team ask for more time and more cash. Hildi says she's actually okay on the budget front, but that she needs more time to do all this work. Ty says he'll look in those sections at Lowe's. Hey, if you just mention Lowe's enough, I bet they'll give you all the cash you want.

Gerald makes excuses for his shoddy repair job. He says the wall was falling down when they bought the house. MPDP and Ann shriek with laughter as he explains that he put up more drywall and some Formica. MPDP puts her hands on Gerald's shoulders and says, "And that would be the wrong way!" Gerald: "Okay!" Aw. He's obviously a really nice guy with a good sense of humour.

Laurie talks to Ty about her plans. She has two and a half projects. She's bought some sliding hollow-core doors made of luaun that she wants to form the front of a closet-type area to house the TV.

Hildi and Veronica are outside with numerous pieces of furniture that have to be painted. Some are being reused from the room; others are pieces Hildi's bought from a local thrift shop. There are two bar stools, a drop-leaf table, a coffee table or two, a tubular sofa frame, four side chairs...and that's just what I can see in this shot. Man, I have no idea how they would get this room done even if they didn't have to repair the wall. Hildi's got a box of Swiffers, and hands Veronica one, saying that everything needs to be cleaned first, especially the sofa frame, and then she'll walk Veronica through the painting plan. Hildi gives Veronica painting instructions and says she's going to make apron-like slipcovers for the side chairs.

Laurie explains to Ty she wanted to paint the ceiling, but because the floor plan is so open, there's no logical place to stop painting the ceiling. Somewhere, a couple of TS designers mutter, "Just stick a piece of molding on the ceiling across the doorway and call it a day." Fortunately, however tired we may be of Laurie's colour scheme(s), she's at least got more taste and training than that. She has some idea for putting molding on the ceiling involving a rectangular shape on the ceiling edged with molding. Inside that, the ceiling will be painted.