“ Hildi's wearing a jean jacket over a bikini and a sarong, and saying she would love a drink right about now. At the sight of Kia and Hildi, I'm sure even the teetotallers in the audience feel the same way. ”
Shout-out to Vel.
MPDP appears on a gorgeous stretch of beach wearing a navel-grazing hot pink t-shirt with a black strip around the bottom and her jeans rolled up. She's carrying her shoes. There are clam- and beach-related remarks I won't be recapping. The homeowners are Eric and Kim, and Nancy and Rich. We're informed that they live to spend time at the lake behind their houses. Shots of homeowners cooking out and paddling their canoes. Back to MPDP, who's forming the letters "TS" out of shells in the sand. She pretends to yell at the designers, calling them "beach bums." Cut to Kia and Hildi, relaxing on loungers in the sand. Hildi's wearing a jean jacket over a bikini and a sarong, and saying she would love a drink right about now. At the sight of Kia and Hildi, I'm sure even the teetotallers in the audience feel the same way. MPDP introduces them as "our hyphenated heroines, Kia Steave-Dickerson and Hildi Santo-Tomas." Ty ("our cabana boy") arrives carrying a tray of fruity-looking cocktails, and spills a red one all over the yellow cushion on Kia's lounger. I think he mostly missed her, but she's wearing a red shirt anyway so it probably wouldn't show.
Rich (wearing a yellow, red, and green floral shirt I think Frank would particularly like) and Nancy (wearing a pink and red patterned shirt that gives me a headache) want their bedroom redecorated. I mention their taste in clothes in an unsubtle attempt at foreshadowing. Nancy says that the room is too dark. Rich wants something very romantic. He says that they've been married for nearly seventeen years and that this is the one room they always start and never finish. The room has sunny yellow walls, dark blue carpet, and dark blue tab curtains. The furniture suite is all dark brown wood, and there's quite a lot of it: headboard and footboard, nightstands, a small cabinet, chest of drawers and mirror, and dresser. The bed covering features a leopard-skin pattern. The TV, though, is on a red metal five-drawer tool chest. Attractive. Rich says it's 100% off-limits. Dude. Are you serious? He says it's not to leave the room. Nancy says it is. He says it's not to be painted. They bicker about whether or not it's going to end up in the garage or the bedroom. As it turns out, the way Kia decorates this room, he can bring it back in and it won't matter one bit. Rich ends up by telling Nancy, "If it's in the garage, you're going in the garage." Nancy says that's fine. And Rich wants a more romantic room. I don't think that's going to do it for you, bud.
Kim and Eric think their living room lacks a focal point. The room has mostly beige walls with one olive green wall, and beige carpet. Beige curtains. The large olive green wall has a small, ineffectual arrangement of 4" x 6" photographs on it. The room has a bunch of either rattan or bamboo furniture with nasty-looking cushions. There seems to be a cabinet or armoire opposite the sofa, but we don't get a clear shot of it, and I can't tell if there's a TV in it or what. Kim says they don't look out toward the yard -- which is very pretty -- because they just have these boring beige curtains. There's a child's plastic desk and chair and a child's drum set in front of the window. In the far corners of the room are a mostly empty curio cabinet and a large palm tree. There are two entrances to the room, each of which has a couple of steps down into the room. Kim says she doesn't want any orange colours. Eric says he doesn't want any primary colours; he'd prefer something warm. Kim: "Colour, but not a crazy colour." Eric says that when they moved into the house, he begged Kim to get rid of the "wicker" furniture, but lost the battle: "As I normally do." Kim says the room is nice and just needs new cushions. She wouldn't care if it were painted. Eric: "Or gone. Painted, gone, whatever." Kim makes dismissive facial gestures.
Miami: Ten Court
“ Kim wants the room to be romantic and 'uninviting to the children.' Gee, if they wanted 'uninviting to children,' I would think they'd have assigned Hildi to this room. ”
Key swap. The homeowners are in their respective canoes on the lake and MPDP's perched on the dock. I'm waiting for her to drop the keys in the drink, but it doesn't happen. As they row off, MPDP voice-overs that "Hildi and Kia are ladies in waiting." More like loonies in waiting, but whatever.
Kim and Eric find Kia chuckling over the tool chest/TV stand. Like it's one of the more outlandish things she's ever seen. Apparently she's never really looked at one of her rooms. There's a Post-It note on the thing that reads "Put me in the garage." Somebody stick that on Kia. There seems to be another one that reads "Make me a new thigh hazard." (And there's one on the ceiling fan that says "don't touch.") Kim wants the room to be romantic and "uninviting to the children." Gee, if they wanted "uninviting to children," I would think they'd have assigned Hildi to this room. Eric thinks they should use the tool box as inspiration. Kia hesitates for a moment and then says, "Okay, we're not listening to you." Kia tells Kim she'll listen to her. She says they're going to paint the walls and brighten up the room. The floor needs lots of help, but she doesn't know if it's in the budget to get rid of it. Oh come on -- replacing any floor with just about any other normal option (except painting it) is a big-ticket item, and either you've planned for it and allocated a large part of the budget to it, or you haven't. It's not like on the morning of Day Two you suddenly walk in and go, "Hey! We have $789 left. How did that happen? Let's go get some Pergo!" Why not just say, "Unfortunately, with only $1000 to work with, I don't think we can replace this carpet, but we're going to come up with a design that works with it and makes it look a lot better?" Right. I forgot. That takes talent and taste. Kia's rambling on about the bed "aris[ing] from the sea." To no one in particular she says, "Stay tuned." Then she's on about some "three-dimensional effect on the walls," window treatments, and "a border, of course." Of course! Because nothing says "I have no clue about decorating and design" like sticking up a fugly wallpaper border. Of the border, Kim says, "How did I guess?" Kia just agrees. I think she's actually proud that this is, like, her trademark, or something. They unload the room, during which MPDP inspects and then wings around a pair of Nancy's lacy red panties. (Well, maybe I shouldn't assume they're Nancy's.) Anyway, wasn't she all over Doug when he was pawing through a homeowner's undie drawer in Texas? Let the Carnival of Cluelessness commence!
Rich and Nancy find Hildi sitting at the little drum kit, playing with a motorized Pluto doll. Rich says he thinks the room looks great just the way it is. Hildi says that the room needs a lot of help, and that it's going to end up looking like a simple gallery. Nothing that's in the room is coming back. Neither, as it turns out, is much of anything else. They're getting rid of the carpet, too. Hildi reiterates that everything in the room is going, except, maybe, for Pluto. She says they have one really big project to do. The room is unloaded, during which I can finally see that the shelving unit opposite the sofa seems to contain books and stereo equipment -- no TV.
Miami: Ten Court
Kia reveals a paint colour called "Serendipity." It's a very pale seafoam green. Meh. Kim says she's seen that in a nursery before. Kia: "I wonder why." She paints some on the wall. "We've all been brought together for a reason." Huh? She seems to have lapsed into some quasi-mystical daze. She's wearing a black t-shirt with lots of white lettering on it in something like a Quenya- or Sindarin-esque alphabet, a message which no doubt contains her instructions from her unearthly masters to cheapen, fuglify, and crapulate everything she touches. Kia shows them the other colour: it's a very strong seafoam. Yuck. Kim: "Pastel-y." Kia doesn't think so. She wonders if Kim thinks that's good or bad, and tells her it's "Aegean." Mmm, I dunno about that. Kim says it will brighten up the room for sure.
Hildi frantically says that they're running late already, and that they've got to pull up the rug first. Rich: "All of it?" At first, I thought this was an idiotic question, but then I considered that given some of the things he's probably seen on this show, maybe it's not so dumb. Hildi seems taken aback, and points out that the room is only 12' x 14'. Rich says they only have two days. Hildi knows that. She says they're going to give them "the most incredible floor. When we're finished with it, everyone's going to want this floor. Trust me."
Kia's still slapping samples of the seafoam up on the wall, telling them, "It's called Aegean Sea." Kim doesn't think that sounds good. I gather she's never heard of the Aegean Sea. Kia explains it's a beautiful sea in Greece. I'd be willing to bet that it's not that colour, though. But if anyone wants to pay for me to go on a trip to verify, I'd be willing to take time out of my busy schedule. Kim skeptically goes along with her. Kia says, "You gotta follow the thing here...out of the sea comes the bed." Yeah, I'm liking the direction this is going.
Hildi says she got a great deal on the brick floor they're doing. Nancy thinks that's awesome. Rich: "A fireplace?" I don't know if he's just not a good listener, or what. Hildi and Nancy reiterate the floorness of the project. Nancy spells out "B-R-I-C-K" for him. Hildi: "F-L-O-O-R." Me to Frink: "Q-T-I-P."
Kim thinks they should paint half of one of the walls the Aegean green. Yeah, like Kia can't crap this room up enough on her own. You want to paint half the wall now? Don't help out. Eric wants to know how you can paint half the wall. Kim: "How can you do half the things they do?" Point well taken, but still, that's no reason to make things worse.
The bumper back into the show is Hildi, Ty, and Kia walking along the beach. Ty is wringing his shirt out, which provides an excellent opportunity to show off most of the muscles in his upper body. If you're into that sort of thing. It's not my cup of tea, particularly. The guy is seriously built, though.
Miami: Ten Court
“ Hildi paints a footprint on the wall, 'cause that's the sort of light-hearted, cheery person she's become ever since she got married. ”
Hildi's team rolls up the carpet as she tells them that there are several steps to putting the brick down.
Paige Cam. MPDP asks Kim about painting half a wall. There's footage of the Aegean green on the sunny yellow. It's making me queasy. Kim claims she thinks her neighbours would like it. MPDP clearly thinks that's idiotic, and asks for an explanation. Kim says it would be almost like hurricane colours: "Miami hurricanes." I truly had no idea what the hell she was talking about until I figured out she meant "Miami Hurricanes" -- some sports team which must have one of the most hideous combinations of team colours in existence. (No, please don't write me to defend the colour combination, or to educate me about the team. I don't care.)
Hildi and her team scrape up the underpadding. I found a lot of the sound in this episode really bad, especially on Hildi's microphone, and the scraping on concrete isn't helping. Thank God for the closed captioning. She keeps hustling them along.
Kia complains to her team that she wants Ty to get started on the bed frame, but he's too busy with the other house. Kim and Eric think that is cool and awesome.
Hildi's ready to reveal her paint. Ty's there helping them remove baseboards. Hildi mentions that she's heard something about team colours. Nancy shows her some green and orange colour chips, saying, "Hurricane colours." Apparently those are Nancy and Rich's "colours." Hildi asks what their neighbours' colours are: they're crimson and gold. I don't know or care which team those are for. Once again: no need to write me about it. I'm about as impressed with people who decorate their homes around the colours of their favourite sports team as I am with Kia's design sense. Hildi reveals her paint, saying it's her colour: "Carolina blue!" It's a soft, pretty sky blue. She paints a footprint on the wall, 'cause that's the sort of light-hearted, cheery person she's become ever since she got married.
Sewing World. Kia tells Eric he's working on the duvet cover. It's an orangey-gold fabric with a floral pattern on it. The backing is some light brown fabric. She explains to him how a duvet cover works.
Hildi explains that three of the walls will be Carolina blue, and the fourth wall -- the one that's olive green now -- will be a canvas colour. Ty bumps into the back of her as he's working, and she jumps like he grabbed her ass. Rich: "Wasn't me!"
Kia wraps the homeowners' existing pillows in batting to fluff them up. She's also got some pillow cases made of fabric in Fast Food Restaurant Orange. I'm feeling vaguely ill as I start visualizing all these colours together. And as usual, I don't know the half of it yet.