Arlington: First Road

Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night. MPDP appears in a relatively demure sleeveless red blouse and jeans and announces that they're in Arlington, Virginia, across the river from Washington, D.C. Doug and Hildi drive a big-ass truck up to a yard sale with Ty sitting on the tail gate. Guess who got a hair cut? Doug, George Clooney called and he wants his hair back. It's a lot less grey now. I don't know if he coloured it or if he just naturally had darker roots and now that it's shorter it all looks darker. Doug, Hildi, and Ty goof around with stuff at the yard sale, showing off their mad decorating skillz by winding Ty up in a blue skipping rope, and placing a bright red umbrella in his hands. Doug grabs a phone and pretends it's for Ty. Ty's now holding the umbrella and the phone, and pretends to talk into it as Doug holds a gun to Ty's stomach. I hope it's a play gun, but they're in the USA, so all bets are off. Ty's trying to play along, but when Hildi comes along with a spoonful of something and tries to shove it in his mouth, Ty pushes them both away, asking, "God, what is going on with you people?" I'm afraid they're acting out some kinky little fantasy, myself. Then my mind completely shuts down and I have to be medicated for hours in order to complete this recap.

MPDP reappears in front of a statue with a flag sticking out of it, and admonishes us, "With only a $1000 budget and two days, ask not what your neighbours can do for you, but what you can do for your neighbours." Actually, I'm beginning to think the best thing anybody can do for their neighbours on this show is refuse to participate when they come bopping over with the Trading Spaces application in their sweaty little fists and a scary gleam in their eyes.

We see Cheryl and Tory and Sean and Elaine on their lawns across from each other. The women sit in lawn chairs while the men mow the lawns. They all wave merrily to each other. Cheryl (who reminds me of no one so much as Pia Zadora) and Tory want the master bedroom in their colonial-style house redone. It's pretty basic now: kind of dusty yellow walls; white woodwork with a chair rail; small windows with white shades; a very traditional-style four-poster bed in dark wood; orangey-toned strip hardwood flooring; a ceiling fan. The bed linens are taupe, yellow, and white, in sort of an abstract patchwork pattern. Opposite the bed is a side chair in taupe fabric with dark wood legs, and a low chest of drawers with a mirror, in dark wood. The room is rather on the small side compared to the show's requirements; I find it hard to believe that it's 14' x 14'. It sure doesn't seem fourteen feet wide. And the bed really overpowers the room. They say that the room is pretty bare bones now, and that they just want a change of pace. Tory knows he's losing the fan. Cheryl wants light, airy colours; she mentions pastel blue. Tory: "Or green, like a deep forest green." I don't think Tory wants pastel anything, myself. They both say, "No neon."

MPDP says that Elaine and Sean are too busy babyproofing their house -- which is virtually identical to their neighbours' house -- to do much decorating in the bedroom. Elaine is fairly pregnant. The bedroom is light, soft blue, with white woodwork and the same orangey-toned strip hardwood floor as in their neighbours' room. They have a bed with no headboard and blue, white, and pale mint green linens, flanked by dark wood side tables and simple lamps. In the area of the room that is not taken up by the bed are a small TV on a small table and a chest of drawers with a mirror above it, both in dark wood. There's another, taller chest of drawers in a somewhat lighter wood tone. There's a window opposite the bed with simple white curtains. There's a neutral area rug in the open area. Elaine says that they just threw the room together, and that they would like some earth tones to tone it down a bit. Sean says that they love the hardwood floor, and they want it left alone: don't paint it, don't touch it, don't do anything. Sean's willing to consider an area rug or similar floor covering. That might be okay. Go crazy, Sean! He adds that it's a small room, and that there's not a lot to work with, so some massive floor-to-ceiling headboard might not be advisable. I get the impression that they already knew they were getting either Doug or Hildi when they did these interviews, given the specific things he's warning against. Elaine wants to leave the headboard up to the designer. Sean: "Go easy, go easy!" Elaine laughs. Sean is clearly not one of those male HOs who's been roped into doing the show never having seen an episode.

Key swap. I'm getting tired of the key swaps. They should be as brief as possible. Really, why do we have to see it at all? I know, it gives Mindy something to do. Frink points out that the two female HOs are dressed identically, as are the two male HOs.

Sean and Elaine find Hildi GoFrightly painting the outline of a big Tiffany blue bow on the wall on top of a note left by the HOs, I presume, which is the word "Neon" with the "no" ideogram drawn over it. Hildi announces that it's going to be "Hildi meets Tiffany." Sean, confused, asks of the paint, "Is that neon?" Hildi indicates that it's "Tiffany blue," and that it will be her version of "Tiffany's goes modern." I wonder if she knows that Tiffany Blue is actually a registered trademark? I'm guessing she didn't get permission to use it. She says they're going to keep the furniture as is, and that they're going to give them some new pieces. They're going to do a decorative finish on the walls, ("decorative finish" being what all the pretentious graffiti artists are calling their tagging these days), and give them some art and a new floor covering. She asks what they think about that. Elaine's on board; Sean likes the floor covering but wants to know if the walls are going to be "that colour." No, buddy, she just bought that for the hell of it, since there's so much money to waste. Were you not listening to her when she mentioned Tiffany's about three times? Tiffany blue. Tiffany boxes. That is the theme we are going with here. Try to keep up. Hildi says that yes, that's the colour, and wonders if he's not familiar with the famous Tiffany's packaging. Sean says he is, but he's just scratching his head about how it's all going to come together. Hildi says it's only the beginning of Day One, and suggests that they unload the room. She doesn't add that if he starts scratching his head now, he's going to be bleeding by Day Two. MPDP appears and fulfills her contractual obligation to do as much posing and twirling around as possible during the room clearing.

MPDP voice-overs that "Cheryl and Tory are ready for anything Doug has planned for them." That MPDP, what a cut-up! Doug comes in and says, "You guys are gonna be trouble, aren't you? Big, big trouble." Pia Zadora Lite says "Absolutely not. No way." Doug asks Tory if she's trouble. Tory: "I live with trouble." Doug asks what they want to do. I guess he thinks the audience might be interested, since he never is. Cheryl and Tory both say they want to use warm colours. Doug: "We'll warm it up in the Doug way." Which means, not at all. Doug says Sean and Elaine need a headboard, so he's going to reorient the bed and do a huge headboard, framing the window. Framing the window? Hmm. Cheryl insists that they're not going to cover the window. Doug assures her that they're not. They're also going to do the same treatment to the other window, and make an armoire that coordinates with that motif. He says they're going to change the ceiling fan into a light fixture, over Cheryl's objections. He adds that they're going to put "a little protective detail on the floor." He tries to segue quickly into "let's get the room unloaded" and walks out with his "Damn I'm Good" coffee mug in plain view, over his team's immediate and numerous objections to the issue of touching the floor. As he wanders out, he tells them to let him know when the room's empty. Cheryl: "Aren't you going to help us?" MDPD does not appear, having already exceeded the day's twirling quota at the other house.

Sean removes the ceiling fan. Hildi pries the chair rail off the wall. The team seems to be behind getting rid of it. Why not? It's practically the only detail in the room, and if there's one thing Hildi GoBiteMe hates, it's architectural detail.

Tory wipes the ceiling fan blades as Doug tells him that there's no point dusting something when they're just going to take it down. Tory tries to convince Doug to leave the ceiling fan. Doug ignores him. He's ready to reveal the paint, which is a very greyish blue, or bluish grey, depending on which you see more of. Knowing that his team is going to see it as grey, he whips up a lot of preamble about how the HOs like blue so he decided to give them blue. Cheryl's too sharp for him though: "That's not blue, that's grey!" They all argue about whether it's blue or grey. Tory: "That's grey. You're colour-blind, dude!" In the can, the paint is almost identical to the colour a large majority of Victorian house owners in Ontario (including me) paint or stain their wooden porch floors, I'll tell you that much, which is called Light Blue Grey. Doug insists it's got a lot of blue in it. Cheryl wonders whether it's really going to change the look of the room: "It's so similar!" Doug, replacing the lid on the paint can: "Okay, remember that." The bumper to the commercial is Doug pretending to nap on a lawn chair, clutching the blue Season Three pillow, holding his "Damn I'm Good" coffee mug so it can be clearly read. Where's the Swiffer box in this little vignette?

This Bolla Wines commercial? The most annoying, pretentious and incomprehensible thing I've seen in a while. But hey, it's still early in the show. And you, Mr. Full Metal Jackass? Had enough of you, too. They had to get Henry Rollins for that show? There wasn't some other washed-up brain-damaged musclehead available?

The bumper back into the show is Ty pretending to get tangled up in the skipping rope that Hildi and Doug are holding. Doug shares his carpentry projects with Ty. He says there's a huge picture frame going around the window, and that the name of the room is "Framed." Ty agrees that it's pretty huge. Doug says that it goes all the way to the ceiling, and that it's great. He rambles on about bevelling the sides.

Hildi and her team continue ripping off the chair rail.

Ty apprehends that Doug wants his project today so that it can be stained. Doug offhandedly mentions his armoire and Ty's all, "Whoa!" Doug just keeps yapping, pretending not to notice Ty's concerns about the workload. Ty applauds Doug briefly. Doug tells Ty he's gotta get going because he was late, and that all the measurements are on the paper; he takes off, as Ty stares at the notes, nodding his head sarcastically. Doug: "Love ya!" Doug's such an assclown in this episode, and Ty so well-behaved, that Ty completely fails to annoy me.

MPDP asks Sean, "What if this Tiffany blue went up in your house?" Sean: "I wouldn't like it." Hildi laughs to MPDP, "The truth comes out." MPDP assures him that it's not what's happening in his house. Isn't that kind of a violation of the rules? Knowing what's not going on is kind of knowing about the room, too. And it wouldn't be the first time two designers used almost identical colours on the same shoot, I don't think. MPDP: "I don't think Doug would like the Tiffany blue either, so I think you're safe." Doug pretty fond of all kinds of blues. I wouldn't be so sure.

Doug and his team are painting. In this light, the paint looks very, very grey, but I think once it's dried, and with more normal levels of light on it, it will look more blue. Doug announces that all the trim is "going to go mahogany...brown." Cheryl gripes about making it sound better by calling it "mahogany" when it's really brown. However annoying she gets to be in this episode, I have to agree with her here: painting stuff brown doesn't make it look like wood. No, it really doesn't. No, no matter how many times you do it or what colour you use, brown paint is not wood and won't fool anyone who's not legally blind. And faux wood treatments like the one in Gen's cigar box bedroom are even sillier. It's a ridiculous idea that's been perpetuated by this show for a long time, and it's just absurd. I wish they'd stop it. Doug launches into a lecture about all the different kinds of browns there are: "There's [sic] red browns, there's black browns, there's grey browns..." All true, and none of them, translated into paint, actually look like wood. Cheryl snipes, "Thanks for the definition of your colour palette. It's appreciated." Doug gets up, saying, "It's going to be a long two days. I need a break already." Tory: "Now you see what I live with." Cheryl laughs.

Sean pours Tiffany blue into a tray. He's all "oh boy, oh man" about it. Elaine thinks Cheryl will like it. Sean doesn't think Tory will.

Tory wonders if they're painting the ceiling the same colour. There's some more "you got your peanut butter in my chocolate"-type argument about whether it's blue or grey, and Doug magnanimously agrees to call it blue-grey. Doug reaches up and starts painting the ceiling with a roller as Tory says he doesn't think Sean wants the ceiling painted. Pia Chihuahua keeps yipping in the background about the colour, but she's already begun to irritate me so much that I'm tuning her out. Meanwhile, Doug's losing patience and states very firmly, "Okay. This isn't about what Sean wants. Let me reiterate the game of the show: it's about what you guys want with my spin on..." Yeah, Doug, you're all about what the neighbours want. Cheryl: "I don't recall having input on the grey colour, but okay." Doug tells her to talk to MPDP about that. Huh? Cheryl says, "Okay. Let's proceed." I wish they'd stop trotting out this hoary old chestnut about it being what the neighbours want to do to their friends' house, with some help from the designer. While both sets of neighbours are indeed interviewed about what they want to do to their neighbours' place as well as what they'd like for their own, and the designers receive that information, the simple and obvious fact is that the designer is responsible for coming up with a complete design and allocating a budget to pay for it before they ever get into town and meet their teams. There's obviously a real limit to how much input the team can have, no matter how open the designer may be to the team's input. The colour of the room, generally speaking, isn't going to be one of the more trivial or last-minute decisions, and since the supplies and paint and everything have already been bought at the time the paint is revealed, I can't imagine why anyone thinks the paint colours are going to change on their say-so. The most they can hope for is to tone down some of the more insane flourishes the designers try to add. So get with the program or stay off the show. Please. And the designers, especially Doug, need to stop acting like they're interested in input from their teams when they're not. The homeowners are just little worker bees in Queen Bee Doug's vast design empire.

Ty's cutting pieces of acrylic for some nightstands for Hildi. She comes out, and he asks, "Don't you love that smell in the morning -- the smell of burnt plastic?" They're making nightstands of acrylic underneath which Hildi explains she's going to place a can light, gesturing with her hand to illustrate the uplighting effect. But the first time I watched it, I thought she said "hand light," and I visualized a hand-shaped light. And didn't flinch or blink, because frankly it would be so mild in the grand Trading Spaces scheme of things as to barely register as odd.