Virginia: Gentle Heights Court

Big shout-out to the one they call "Kinky Sherwood."

Paige is in Ashburn, Virgina, home to the Washington Redskins football team and also, apparently, a land of full of those hokey twisty subdivision streets. Paige is holding a football which she uses to point in the air as she speaks; Paige does not have anything else pointing emphatically today, thank God. "Our homeowners are huge fans of football!" she chirps, "but can they tackle our designer's redecorating playbooks, or will they be on the defensive end when these two days are over?!" Paige tosses the ball. She throws like a girl who was born a girl but then got two rounds of gender-reassignment treatment to become a girly-man and back again just so she could throw even more like a girl than biologically possible.

The design team clowns around on the Redskins practice field. Paige voice-overs: "Designer Kia Steve-Dickerson gets the play call from carpenter quarterback Ty Pennington, while designer Hildi Santo-Tomas lines up on defense to show them how the game is played!" I quote this so I don't have to describe to you what they're doing and how stupid they look. I suppose I must report that Kia waggles her butt disturbingly while she waits to snap the ball behind her to Ty. And I'm thinking it's a little late for Ty to start wearing a helmet now.

Paige pokes the football at us threateningly: "With only a thousand-dollar budget, I don't want to see any unnecessary roughness! And for that matter, with only two days, I don't want to see any overtime!" She begins to walk off but stops and giggles. "Are we playing football or Trading Spaces?" Giggle! Well, Paige, in football, the Super Bowl is a game, whereas on Trading Spaces, it's that thing Ty lets you smoke from sometimes. And you just did, didn't you?

We meet the homeowners: "Brad and Rachel have such busy careers that they're hoping for a bedroom that offers a little peace!" Which is a nice way of saying, "They need a booty lair. Bad." The room has white walls, beige carpet, and is decorated in typical Overwhelmed By Grandiose New Suburban House style -- the torchiere lamp shyly stuck in one corner, the tiny plant stand cowering in another, the sad little underscaled outposts of dcor amidst this huge bleak tundra of a room. Brad and Rachel do have a nice sleigh bed, though. Let's hope, for future's sake, that they sometimes like to pretend it's Santa's sleigh, flying through the air. Rachel says, "I would like a place that's serene and relaxing, with very few distractions." Uh, they've got the "no distractions" part down so far. She goes on: "I like to read in here...we like to, uh, have fun and hang out in our bedroom, alone!" Brad laughs like, "Heh. We have sex. Heh." Brad says he doesn't like "pink, peaches, pastels, anything like that...flowers, frou-frou-y colors, anything like that." Nope; no gender subversion for Brad, here, no siree. Rachel thinks wallpaper would be "a travesty." "I'm a little worried about getting a theme room," she says. "Because we're not theme people," adds Brad. "We're not theme people!" repeats Rachel, shuddering. Okay, we get it: they are not theme people! Whatever that means. Disney World is their kryptonite. Don't hum "I'll Be There For You" around them.

"Located just one house away, Charisse and Mike are eager to give their active son Mikey a bedroom to match his vivid imagination!" Which would include...what, a big bathtub with a drain that sucks down six-year-olds? The room -- except for the crazy cathedral ceiling -- is a pretty typical kid's room: Mikey has a lot of books and toys, and a TV, and a computer, and I had none of those things when I was a child, but that's, you know, totally okay, like I'm sure Mikey is perfectly nice, and not a booger-nose diaper doodyhead with his new stuff that he thinks is so cool. Anyway.

Charisse says (again) that Mikey "has a vivid imagination," so she wants the room "to incorporate his imagination." You know that when she says "imagination,"she's thinking of the "hey! let me pretend I'm an astronaut!" sort of imagination, and not the "green army men scream when they get on fire!!!" kind. Mike tries to suggest some imaginative themes: "A 'circus' theme would be nice, an 'aquarium' theme would be nice..." Right, Mike: now show me a kid who turned out all right after having a circus-themed room. You're not gonna find one. Then Charisse suggests "outdoorsy" as a theme, and Mike tells Mikey they might paint the ceiling like a sky. "Oh yeah! And I want rainclouds!" says Mikey. "Rainclouds?" says Mike, laughing. Oh, Mikey, you probably won't get rainclouds, but you can pretend with Mommy's watering can. Daddy suggests a dark night sky with stars and the moon, which Mikey likes: "I want a Batman show in a Batman room! All dark! With stars! Stars that glow!" he shouts. Jeez, they're getting younger and younger with the graphic-novel noir sensibility. Little Mikey goes on: "I want to have a mountain right there so I can climb up and touch the ceiling when the lizard's up there so I can go get it and throw it in the garbage!" Mikey and Charisse laugh, a little nervously: uh, yeah, it turns out they weren't kidding about the imagination thing. Even though Hildi usually shouldn't be let anywhere near children, I think she may have met her match here: Orthogonal Wall Design, meet Imaginary Trash Lizards On Batman Mountain.

Time for the key swap: the homeowners meet outside with Paige, who still won't let the stupid football theme drop. She has a dry-erase board with colored markers where she draws a "game plan" à la football play strategy. The people in the green house will go to the orange house and the people in the orange house will go to the green house! Scribble, scribble, Paige! Incorporate "fumble" and "defensive play" into your schtick! Scream "Hike!" Kill me.

Brad and Rachel run over to meet Hildi, who is sorting out fist-sized stones and putting them into what appears to be a fake-fur-covered backpack, or maybe she's just making stuffed animals filled with rocks, which, scarily enough, actually makes more sense with Hildi. Hildi greets Rachel and Brad, and right away Brad says that Mikey wants a theme: "He's into Batman, Spider-Man..." "Who are they?" thinks Hildi. Rachel reaches over and strokes the furry backpack. "He likes animals..." she suggests. "Animals? What are those?" thinks Hildi. Hildi nods politely and says that, well, it sounds like this Little Mikey person wants a theme, does he? She gestures diabolically with her hands: "We're going to give him an experience. An outdoor experience -- he's going to be sleeping under the stars, and he's going to be able to soar to new heights." To hear Hildi say it, it sounds like she's plotting to leave the kid out in the woods with a bag of sugar cubes. Rachel -- who, clearly, can smell the Hildi kookiness, sees a brand-new sleeping bag nearby and wants to make sure Little Mikey will have a bed. "He's going to have a bed," assures Hildi. "Other than a sleeping bag?"asks Rachel. Hildi says, yes, Mikey will have a bed. A bed that's not made of sheet metal and bubble wrap? A bed that's not shaped like an origami swan? Ask more questions, Rachel! Hildi informs them that the rocks are for a rock-climbing wall. "Including some...gear?" asks Rachel, skeptically. "Including a rope," says Hildi, "and some padding on the floor." And one of those nice sharp chisels that real rock-climbers use sometimes. "Safety first!" says Hildi. They clear the room.

Over at Team Green, Paige voice-overs that Kia is "far away in thought" as she looks over a globe and "prepares for an adventure of her own!" Kia locates India on the globe, with just enough difficulty to worry me. Mike and Charisse run in and hug Kia, who tells them, "We are going on a journey." She asks them what they think Brad and Rachel want. Charisse volunteers that Rachel likes "blues and grays." Kia's like, "Whatever." Charisse goes on to say that Brad wants romance, so they need some romance in there, too. "Romance," says Kia, like, "Now there's something non-specific and subject to my goofy-ass interpretation!" "So how about...sensuality meets meditative?" suggests Kia. No, Kia, how about getting your adjectives to agree? And "sensual meets meditative" sounds like a really creepy personal ad. Oh, there's more: "We are going to hang the bed!" says Kia. Emphasis hers. For Christ's sake. "How about THAT for romance?" she adds. Mike's and Charisse's eyes widen. They're like, "Uh..." Kia goes on to say that she also wants to "create a meditative space." "That's what I want for her," mumbles Charisse, who sounds as if she'd like to add, "and not freaky couples-resort swinging monkey sex that I'm forced to imagine now, thanks a lot." The room gets cleared. Mike's and Charisse's minds do not.

Hildi shows Brad and Rachel the paint they're going to use for the ceiling: a deep blue. She shows them the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars and the moon-shaped light fixture they're going to put up. I keep waiting for her to say they're going also paint a huge flying clown riding a broom on the ceiling, too, but she does not. It actually sounds nice.

Elsewhere, Mike and Charisse start painting the other room and hope that Little Mikey's room will be blue, which he wants, but not black, which he also apparently wants. Don't worry, folks; your nutty little goth child is in good hands.

Kia walks in. "How do you like my new outfit?" she asks. She's wearing a sari-inspired skirt. Yeah, I read that the designer aren't supposed to change clothes, so I'm sure the continuity editors are going to love trying to keep her sari ass in sequence. Mike and Charisse really don't give a damn what she's wearing, but Kia says, "I'm dressing in theme! Try to stay with me, here!" I really don't want to see what she puts on when she gets to the "sensual" part of the theme. She uncovers the paint. It's a sort a of dark, spicy orange. Ah, I get it: it's an Indian theme. Or maybe an Indian food theme. Mike pretends to hate the paint color and Kia almost hits him, but in a meditative way. Kia is holding a roll of something that looks ominously like...border. Hold on to your chakras, people.

This episode of Trading Spaces is brought to you by Swiffer WetJet! And Lowe's Home Improvement! And India! And the people who make rocks!

Brad and Rachel are painting the walls of Little Mikey's room deep blue while Hildi tells Paige that she's bought a couple of air mattresses. "For his friends to come over and have a sleepover, like a slumber party," she explains. "So they'll just go into the tent?" says Paige. The room falls silent. Hildi glares at Paige and puts her finger to her lips. "A tent?" asks Brad. Paige is all, "Oooh! I told a secret! I told a secret!" Well, I don't see it would be such a secret, though it's true that most boys don't get to pitch a tent in their rooms until they're at least fifteen. (Oh, you knew I had to say that at some point.)

Kia, with much ceremony, reveals the paint color for the wall: a yellow-ish orange. Mike and Charisse "ooh" and "ahh." "This is her calming color," says Kia, smearing orange-y saffron on the wall. Well, it's only a few shades away from "emergency color," but whatever.

Brad asks Hildi where the tent is going to go. "Smack dab in the middle of the room," says Hildi. Mikey's bed, she explains, will be in the tent, along with sleeping bags and inflatable mattresses "for his little friends to come camping with him, under his night sky." Which they won't see from inside the tent. Maybe Hildi's going to put up functional rainclouds after all.