MPDP appears in jeans and a tight cantaloupe orange "peasant" t-shirt, saying they're in Voorhees, New Jersey. We see Hildi and Gen in the back yard of one of the homeowners, along with Amy Wynn, who's barbecuing wieners and sausages of various descriptions. There are also two other objects on the grill which at first look like rocks with faces on them...but maybe they're potatoes? Who knows? We then see the homeowners (twin sisters) and their husbands, who are dressed identically in black t-shirts and white shorts and might as well be brothers. Kim and Vince want the enormous master bedroom in their McMansion redone. Val and Steve want to liven up their dining room.
Steve, sitting at the dining-room table, says that it's nice, and thinks that some people are probably wondering why they want to change it. He says, gesturing with his head, "We need a little more 'unh,' right? A little more [head gesture] of that. You know what I'm saying?" Not particularly, though the English language features a wide variety of adjectives you may find helpful. The room has narrow woodwork in a dark brown colour. There's a chair rail and crown molding. The walls above the chair rail are painted a kind of parchment yellow; below the chair rail there's coordinating striped wallpaper. There's an oval table -- surrounded by six chairs with beige upholstered seats -- and a large china cabinet, all in dark wood. The fixture is one of those ones with curvy metal arms and ruffled glass shades. It looks like it should have a ceiling fan attached to it, though it doesn't. There's a floral-patterned area rug on the floor in shades of cream, dark green, navy, and burgundy. The floor underneath is hardwood. At the opposite end of the room is a window with beige lace curtains. Val says, "We don't like our chandelier and we don't like the colours." Steve: "'We'?" Val: "We." Frink bursts out laughing at that. She goes on to say they don't like the area rug. Steve says that when they got the area rug, Val pronounced it "really not that bad." He goes on to say that when you go to buy a rug, normally you don't ask the sales clerk for something that's "really not that bad -- do [they] have any of those?" He says the style they're looking for is when you go to a restaurant that's not fancy but it's "warm." Val adds, "Romantic." Steve agrees, and tells Val that even though he loves her, he doesn't know if he wants to kiss her right now in this room, but maybe if the room were different he might feel more amorous. I might feel more queasy. She laughs. Val says her sister is busy with three little girls, and hasn't had time to do anything with her bedroom; Val wants to do something special for her. Steve says he's welling up.
We see a shot of Kim and Vince's McMansion. Frink & I both shudder involuntarily. MPDP voice-overs that they feel dwarfed in their 350-square foot bedroom. I would imagine. ["Holy shit, that's big." -- Wing Chun] The room is cavernous, with white walls and woodwork, dusty "Precious Moments" pink carpet, and a tray ceiling. The bed is an ornate metal affair, with a subdued pink floral comforter. The wood furniture -- including a dresser, armoire, and vanity table -- is all in very light-coloured pine. There are small windows on either side of the bed with puffy pink valances and miniblinds, and another window in the corner of the far wall. There's a treadmill placed in front of the two windows in the corner. They've got a ceiling fan, too, with really brassy, ornate metal fittings. Kim says they're not happy with the room. Vince says he's basically happy with it except for how plain it is. She says they haven't done anything with it in seven years. She likes a cottagey feel, something "comfy," and prefers more muted colours. She doesn't like bold colours. Hoo boy. She says, "He basically goes along with whatever I like. That's why we have pink carpet!" She laughs. Kim would like to see the carpet gone. That's a tall order for a ginormous room like this. She doesn't want to see a theme that revolves around orange or grey, and nothing ultra-modern. Vince thinks maybe they could do something with the ceiling, though he doesn't know what. Kim says she and her sister talk on the phone up to five times a day, so the biggest part of the challenge will be not talking to her sister for two days.
New Jersey: Catania Court
“ Gen is drawing some fantastical creature on a sheet of paper when Kim and Vince come in. There's a large white branch on the table, too. Already I'm nervous. ”
It's raining during the key swap and everyone's got umbrellas. MPDP's umbrella has an all-over photographic print of doggies. Aw. She says that everyone there is a comedian, and that she wonders who's going to keep her entertained the most over the two days. Vince says Steve thinks he can be the funniest. (Which probably means Vince thinks he himself is actually funnier.) He adds that he and Kim will be the sleepers in the end. MPDP goes on about working for two whole days. She makes it sound like nobody ever worked hard for two whole days. I don't see what the big deal is, frankly.
Genevieve, all in black and working that white leather belt again, is drawing some fantastical creature on a sheet of paper when Kim and Vince come in. There's a large white branch on the table, too. Already I'm nervous. She says, "I'm drawing! Don't let it scare you. It looks like I'm five, but..." She holds up her drawing and asks, "Any thoughts?" Kim says it's beautiful. Vince suggests they'll act like they do with their five-year-old. Gen gets it: "'It's whatever you want it to be, sweetie!'" She tries to pull a ring off her left hand but can't remove it. Anyway, she shows them her ring, which is silver with a large dark orangey-red stone in it. She points out that there are some animal images carved into the silver base of the ring, which will become art pieces for the room. (I guess that's what the drawing was about.) She says she can't remember the name of the stone, but that it's from Afghanistan and it's beautiful, and that it will become the colour of the walls. I think it's probably carnelian. Gen: "Filigree, silver, blacks, whites, this rich, rich colour...we need to get rid of the blah, 'cause this room's blah." Vince agrees. Gen says she heard he likes painting, so she assigns him that duty. She says that she and Kim will do the fun stuff and Vince will be their slave. Vince seems to be on board with that. Gen won't divulge the purpose of the branch, but says it's just something to anticipate. She indicates that the china cabinet is staying, and that the most they'll do to it is change the hardware. They empty the room. Gen spins around on the bare tabletop. I doubt her belt buckle and honkin' metal grommets did the finish any favours. Val's probably been wondering how those scratches got there, and will only just figure it out by watching this.
Steve and Val find Hildi on the treadmill in her three- or four-inch heels. Steve: "I'm so happy you were working out in the new Nike cross-trainers." We get a close-up of her feet. She says, "They really set the pace and...ground me." She's always giving that jazz about high heels "grounding her" -- I'd love an explanation of that. I've worn plenty of heels in my time and I can't see any way in which they "ground" a person in any sense that one can understand that expression. If anything, I'd argue they do the opposite. Whatever. She asks their thoughts. Val says she definitely wants to get that rug out of there. Hildi: "Ooooooh." Val: "Hopefully." Steve wants to do something with the furniture -- jazz it up or something. Hildi says they're definitely going to do stuff with the furniture, and move the sleeping area over to where they're standing now by the treadmill, and make a cozy sitting area over on the other side. She says the furniture is going to get a "treatment," and that they'll be painting the walls from "head to toe." She says they're going to give the room an "Indian romantic feel" -- at which Val and Steve exchange smirks. She says all their fabrics are from India, beautiful sari fabrics. This I'm looking forward to; I adore Indian fabrics. She adds they're going to change the light: "Because you know the fan's going," and indicates that unless they want to dye the rug, there's not enough money in the budget to do away with it, so it has to stay. Hell, with 350 square feet, there's barely enough money to do the whole room in Astroturf. Not that anyone in her right mind would ever do a bedroom floor in Astroturf. Hildi assures them that everything's been designed around the carpet, and that it will all look put together. She asks them to unload the room. Steve invites her to grab a lamp and jump into his arms. Hildi declines. They unload the room, leaving the furniture in since they're going to paint it in there. Hell, bring the car in and paint it in there, too. There's lots of room. During the unloading, MPDP "helps" by running in the treadmill and dancing and twirling around in what I think is supposed to be some quasi-Indian manner.
Gen reveals her colour and asks Kim and Vince what they think. Kim thinks it's pretty, and says her sister would wear that colour. Gen wonders what to call it -- pomegranate? Kim reiterates that it's pretty. I think it's more red than the stone in Gen's ring; it doesn't have quite as much orangey tone to it. I actually wish it was more like the ring.
Steve comes into the bedroom and says, "I just wanted to share with you that I now have the approved footwear. The Hildi-approved footwear to work in." He's wearing low-heeled black mules. They appear to fit him very well, which my husband finds interesting. He also thinks it looks like Steve shaved his legs. Hildi: "Cute. Cute...here, let me help you out." She opens her paint -- which is a pretty electrifying colour, if by "electrifying" you mean "scary" -- and uses a big brush to paint some of the paint on his toes. He says he always wanted his toes painted: "Yellow's really not my favourite colour." Hildi: "Yellow?" Steve: "This is great." Val laughs nervously. Steve: "I have two small boys; they're gonna be scarred for life now." I'll say. The bumper to the commercial features Gen and Hildi doing rather graceless cheerleader moves, or something. Hildi concludes by doing one of her hip wiggles.
When we get back, Hildi's still painting Steve's toes and asking, "So what do you think about the colour?" Val's "Uh..." says a lot. Steve, still laughing about his venture into cross-dressing, "I guess the joke's on me, isn't it?" Val, about the colour: "I think it would go good on a pretzel." Hildi picks up a sari in an acid green with a narrow gold border. I like it a lot, but I like unusual greens, and they are definitely an acquired taste. Given that Kim was very clear that she didn't want bold colours, and probably said as much in her interviews, I can't see that this is going anywhere good. Also, I think this colour will look absolutely wretched in concert with the pink football field passing for their floor. Val says the fabric is really pretty. Hildi explains that it's the inspiration for the room, and will be used for the curtains. Steve: "It's a curtain, it's an evening gown..." Hildi ignores the running comedy routine as best she can while she tries to explain her plan, saying that the walls and ceiling will be the "same thing," which at this point, could mean paint colour or could mean she's covering the walls with this fabric. It's not at all clear to me yet that the acid greenish yellow paint is the wall colour, and will be drying to a shade closer to the sari. Hildi tells Steve he'll fit in just fine. She pours some paint and suggests that they get started. Steve starts to remove his shoes, but Hildi insists he keep them on: "You don't see me walking around barefoot, do you?" No, that's Doug's and Gen's shtick.